This transcript was auto-generated by AI technology and has not been edited for accuracy.

Annika Ahlström 

[00:00:00] Bree: Hello and happy 2023 to you. I hope that you ended the year reflecting on fullness of your experiences from 2022, and maybe you're beginning this month feeling connected to your intentions. I often feel a little stressed out on January 1st. I don't know. It feels like a lot of. Not just because of resolutions, cuz I don't do resolutions, but , just the whole arbitrariness of a new year starting on January 1st feels to me like it should start with the Solstice or maybe even the spring equinox, but that could be my Northern hemisphere bias at play

[00:00:47] Anyway, I hope that your year is off to a good. I know that I'm excited about the rehearsal room kicking into gear this Friday, January 6th. And if you're interested in joining this drop-in online coaching group, it's geared to help you work on a project that could use a little extra support. Maybe it's an elevator pitch or a keynote speech, or maybe you just wanna practice having a hard conversation with your neighbor.

[00:01:17] You can join the rehearsal room on Fridays and get live coaching from me and feedback from an intimate and supportive group of folks, really great people. You can check out the rehearsal room@thelovelyunbecoming.com for more info on this monthly membership, and I'd love to see you there.

[00:01:36] I started a practice a few years ago of selecting a word that would be my focus for the coming year. So some of my words over the last years have been connection, ease, love, and mindfulness. But this year I have two words. I guess I wanted to break my own rule, wouldn't be the first time. , anyone else like that?

[00:02:03] And my two words this year are strategy and movement, and I think they really go hand in hand. 

[00:02:14] Strategy, because I know how much I value having some kind of scaffolding or roadmap when we're taking action. . We can diverge from that map, but we know why we are taking a different route, or we know why we're doing what we're doing, that there's a reasoning behind it that makes sense and movement.

[00:02:42] Well, movement is physical because I simply feel better when I move every day. But also movement is important as in taking action. Because we can strategize all day long, but if we don't take action, we're not gonna get very far. And so today I'm really excited to begin the year with my dear friend Annika Ostrom, who is offering some strategies for time management for families with.

[00:03:17] And I will just say I think that these tips are useful for all humans, and you'll hear why in just a minute. Ann and I met in graduate school where we studied drama therapy at New York University and she's racked up an additional masters in teaching in special education from Fordham University and, uh, numerous certifications.

[00:03:40] She served in a variety of capacities as a drama therapist, a special education teacher at private and public schools. She's a learning specialist, a learning disabilities teacher consultant, a mindfulness instructor, and an executive function coach. And now she's starting online coaching courses for families who need some extra support with building executive functioning skills.

[00:04:07] You're gonna wanna take notes on this one, so grab your notebook and get ready. Here are six time management tips for families with A D H D from Annika Alstrom.

[00:04:21] I'm just so glad that you're here, Anika, and I'm really excited to share this space because I know how much you have to offer families in so many ways, , but today we are gonna be talking about, time management for families who have members with A D H D, 

[00:04:45] Annika: ,I work with, really all people. , well ages, the youngest is 11 because there's this element of self-awareness that mm-hmm. , you know, you don't need a ton, but you need at least a little bit.

[00:04:56] And if they're younger children, in the family, then I recommend that the parents take the course because the spillover will, happen in the family. and it really, what I say is I work with people all along the lifespan from 11 on, to help them with these executive functions.

[00:05:14] and , I would say most, of these families or these people, a diagnosis of A D H D. Not all. You can have executive function challenges and not have the diagnosis of adhd, but most, often if you have that diagnosis, you're gonna have executive function challenges. that's just part.

[00:05:31] Annika: Yeah. In fact, what becomes important is the learning about the brain and the learning of the brain development for a child who has been diagnosed with A D H D, because they're typically three years behind their peers. So rubber usually hits the road in middle school when kids are being asked to manage more materials, move from class to class, many different teachers and subjects.

[00:05:55] And, that's sort of when things. begin to unravel. And so if you're entering sixth grade with peers who you know are typically sixth grade development, you're now third grade. Mm-hmm. , we wouldn't ask a third grader to manage those materials and has absolutely nothing to do with intelligence. It just has to do with the wiring of the brain.

[00:06:14] And so when I present this information and this learning happens, it. It's really pretty amazing to see parents start to develop a compassion and a patience and understanding for their child and what they're going through, because this is not a, I'm lazy or I'm willfully not doing what I'm supposed to do.

[00:06:34] It's just, you're not there yet and it's that powerful word yet, you know that,you're gonna get there. You're just not there yet. And that brings a lot of hope and relief for young people because they've often really been feeling very badly about themselves. There's something flawed, something wrong with them.

[00:06:51] And there's, that's what the program also infuses is this, there's nothing wrong with you. You're perfect. We're gonna develop a system. . And I think that's where it starts to really gain, momentum and buy-in from the child who has felt badly about themselves. You know, and you know, from our work in drama therapy, it's all about totally building a person up, right?

[00:07:14] So yeah, I draw up from my background in drama therapy as well. . 

[00:07:18] Bree: Yeah. If we're speaking specifically about the challenges of people with A D H D and executive functioning issues, we're talking about, a delay in development in that way. 

[00:07:32] Annika: Yes. And what I love about the program is that a parent

[00:07:37] always participates. Mm-hmm. . So at least one parent will be at every session. I invite both because I think the more, family members you have joining the better and that's really where I see most success. And, yeah, it, it just, it becomes this. infusion of learning and everybody is then focusing on their brain.

[00:07:55] Mm-hmm. , , which also then takes away this, oh, we're all looking at the child. the specific, this brain we're looking at, everybody's looking at everybody's brain and we start with these self-assessments and. the child very quickly and the parent starts to realize, oh, I have some challenges too, , It levels the playing field. And these are not just. Skills in school. These are life skills. And so parents often will think,I'm taking this course for my child, and they'll end up being so excited that they themselves took some things away that they can apply to their family life and their jobs and so forth.

[00:08:33] And the child sees that. And that's really empowering because it really emphasizes we are lifelong learners, right? We are never done, we're never baked . Mm-hmm. , which. you to improve and try to get better. and I share a lot of personal stories because I have my self challenges in these areas.

[00:08:48] . So we can all get better in this fast-paced world, with these strategies. 

[00:08:52] Bree: I think about every time we've made a family shift for one of our kids to help them along in some way. It's always had an impact on me. I've always felt like it's done something better. Just recently we took, it wasn't really for the kids, it was just a happenstance thing that then I justified , but we took the television out of our.

[00:09:16] Completely. We have a studio that's detached and we put it in the studio and we did that just because we had a lot of visitors coming for the holidays. But also we have an open living room, dining room, kitchen area. It's a very open floor plan.

[00:09:35] And I'm tired of having the television dominate everything. So we'll put it out in the studio. If they wanna watch tv, they can go out there to watch it. we've all benefited from this. We've been having more conversations. We are reading more.it's just been really extraordinary. And I think it's similar 

[00:09:53] when you make any kind of change that , helps us to focus or to really use our brains in a different way than we all benefit from it. So I love that. I love that, that you're recognizing that as a whole system, . 

[00:10:08] Annika: We have the same thing.

[00:10:08] We, we don't. A very big, family dining area, but when we moved into this house, the girls and I, so my daughters are now 19 and 20, but they were, this is quite a few years ago, and it was so funny because before I moved all our things in, I had some friends over and all the men would say, wow, the TV's gonna look perfect above the finals.

[00:10:29] And I'm thinking, you don't know me like. . I have a TV in it. and that room has, is just like you said, we play games, we talk, everybody has their screens and we can always take out a laptop or whatever if we all wanna watch a movie. But that room is for talking and just being , Yes. and you lose that when you constantly have this droning tv on, you do the bachelorette. Definitely impedes meaningful conversation in the family, . I mean it does have some, I won't say that it's all bad either. We've had some fun times watching some shows too. Oh, absolutely.

[00:11:03] Absolutely. 

[00:11:04] Bree: But can we take a little step back, Anika and can you explain what executive functioning is, cuz we've mentioned it a couple of times, but what is it and why is it important? . 

[00:11:16] Annika: So executive functions, they're, these are located in a part of the brain, most of them, I should say, right behind the forehead and the prefrontal cortex.

[00:11:25] So the brain develops from the back to the front. So it's the last part of the brain to develop, which is why young people have, challenges they're, they haven't had enough time for this part of the brain to develop. and so these executive functions, important because they help us to get things done, right?

[00:11:43] So they're that part of the brain where we plan and we organize and we manage our time. And so young people tend to have more challenges with that because they don't have the experience. And the brain, as I said, is still developing there. And part of I think the journey when I work with families is really understanding for that child, but the whole family that.

[00:12:07] these things are going to get better over time and, there's some tools and strategies that we put in place so that you can reach your potential, right? You don't have to stay down here. you can use these tools and strategies, very visual tools, to reach your potential until you get there now.

[00:12:25] Annika: To is just to say also that there is no perfect brain. So we do these self-assessments where you rate yourself, right? And I, all I say is I just want you to be honest, right? There's a reason why we're here. there's a reason why your parents called, or why you called me. And so you're not gonna be all pluses in these there's gonna be sinuses. nobody has the perfect brain and but there are things that we can do to help you feel better, to help you. , enough, hours to study for that test. So you feel good. You feel like you can show your knowledge so that you can turn in that work on time.

[00:12:57] and so that you can organize your materials so you can feel good about yourself. yeah, those are the executive functions and we go through and really pick out. The separate ones to focus on, like flexibility. We're not talking about yoga here. We're talking about mental flexibility, right? So are you a person that pretty much goes with the flow or are you a person that's pretty rigid?

[00:13:19] Annika: You like things to go the way you want them to go? That's one of them. another one of course is just organization. Are you someone who organizes your things or are they kind of all over the place? You lose things. It's not a judgment. And I keep saying that we're not here to judge anybody.

[00:13:34] We're just here to say, yeah, this is what's hard for me and this is something that I'm better at. . And then a big part of what we do from there is we build on the challenges. we start to look for strategies, to support those challenges. And what I tell parents is I'm gonna introduce a lot of things.

[00:13:52] I'm not expecting everything to stick, but what I say is, if you have two things that you're committed and consistent with, things will change over time. , I'd rather you commit to two. and do it consistently. Then pick 15 and do it like here and there, cuz that doesn't work. 

[00:14:12] Bree: So why is two the magic number?

[00:14:16] Annika: I wouldn't say two is the magic number , but that's what I, that's what I say. Yeah. If you can do three great. , but you also don't wanna set yourself up to feel, oh wow, I, I didn't do well there. We, you know,I talk a lot about inner voice. Mm-hmm. to think is not talked about enough with our young people.

[00:14:34] um, I talk about my own inner voice and. little inner voice. I've of course drawn a picture of her. I have a name for her. Her name is Spiky . She yells all the time, and I show them my picture and we concretize it and they draw a picture of their spiky and name them, and then you can speak to that voice and say, spiky, you know what?

[00:14:53] Annika: You're not really helping right now. . So it's not like I'm ignoring her. , she happens to be female. but I'm saying like, you are not, this is not helpful. and just even labeling that inner voice is really important for young people, but for everyone. Mm-hmm. , we all have that inner critic that tells us we're not good enough, or, gosh, why didn't I do better on that?

[00:15:13] and so it becomes important to recognize that.And we have fun with it. we role play , you know, that's where the drama therapy comes in is, you know, we put voices for these, inner voices and, there , has to be some comedy.

[00:15:24] I say that because a big part of this program builds on metacognition, which is thinking about my thinking. So a lot of people who have executive function challenges and are, and have a diagnosis of A D H D, have difficulty with pausing, right? . So they do something and they go, why did I do that?

[00:15:44] Annika: Or they don't do something and. , why didn't I do that? and it's that lack of metacognition. So a big part of the program is building in those pause points, and that's where I weave in mindfulness exercises. , very short ones because I'm not expecting people to do a an hour sit, as a family, but building in little pause points so that they can kind of stop and think and make a choice instead of life just happening to them.

[00:16:11] Bree: I love that you use humor too in those pause points, right? That like having a little lightness there, moves it from the place of shame to the place of play fullness. And,and maybe that's part. Of, flexibility too. I'm not sure. I don't know.

[00:16:32] Annika: Absolutely. It's all linked. You know, we, Youwe siphon out these executive functions, but then when we come together and look at the full picture, I always say, listen, nothing is in isolation, right? Everything affects everything else. I talk a lot about dopamine and the neurotransmitter that, is so important for our brain.

[00:16:49] We get these dopamine hits and I say, when you're. Stuck and you're feeling frustrated and you're in that emotion and you're in that hiin part of your brain. The amygdala. that's actually an execut. Function, controlling emotions, and that's in the back part of the brain.

[00:17:03] And that can take over all the other executive functions. Hmm. For really angry or really frustrated. You can't be flexible. You can't organize or plan. Everything falls apart. We talk a lot about how you can shift when you're stuck, right? And you're stuck in that. , you know that controlling emotions part of your brain and you're flooded with anxiety or fear or anger. these strong emotions that just take over, call it the bully in the brain, literally.

[00:17:32] hijack all the other executive functions. And so some things that help with that, in releasing this dopamine humor. exercise. I say a change of thought, right? , get out, take a walk in the neighborhood, things shift. call a friend. Listen to music. draw. , these are all things that you think, oh really? Can it be that simple? It is. And so I always say, can play your own brain. And this gives such, and it's so empowering for young people to realize that they're in control. I wish I had known this when I was young, because I felt like things were happening to me.

[00:18:07] , instead of stopping, like I said, pausing and thinking, I can shift this. I have a power over. and a responsibility, right? to, take charge of this, but it means you have to build in those pause points, right? And that's where the mindfulness comes in. Yeah. And so when I work with families, I recommend, having a family meeting once a week.

[00:18:27] and really sitting down everyone with their planners, and going around and giving everybody a turn to talk about what's coming up. Yeah. Recommend on Saturday or Sunday because now you're looking at time and you're teaching your kids, you're modeling for them looking ahead. Mm-hmm. so Each person is speaking about what's coming up, which is refreshing their memory.

[00:18:47] Annika: Oh yeah. I have a science test on Thursday. And my mom or dad can say, oh, okay, sweetie. Do you need any help with that? No, I'm good. Okay. let's think about how we can, set aside time so that you do well on that test. Instead of Wednesday night at 10. Oh my gosh. I have a science test tomorrow.

[00:19:04] The whole house freaks out, , it's teaching and modeling for your kids. This is how we do things. , and I think in this day and age, when everything is about technology or so much is about technology. And I love technology, but I don't want it to control me.

[00:19:19] , I want to be in control of it. , so that means really mindfully slowing down and working with these certain steps so that we're in control so that we're in. 

[00:19:30] Bree: That's a great tip. having a family meeting is such a great tool to use and I think it's one that we can forget to do, right?

[00:19:38] Annika: Absolutely. and it's funny that you say that because I say to families the one thing, cause I do a course review at the end so that I can learn and get better at what I do and get feedback from the families and consistently the one that everybody says. is the family meeting has changed our communication.

[00:19:56] Because much like you, you touched upon before, we're losing the sense of sitting down together. always rushing to, to get to somewhere, go someplace. And so this is a time that the family lands together. without food. Cuz if I've said this before, if you're anything like our family would be all about what we're eating.

[00:20:14] Annika: Yeah. Feed the family and then sit down and everybody gets a chance to share. And it's funny because even some parents, some partners have said, moms and dads. have said, this has really improved our marriage because I'm now sharing out that I have a meeting on Thursday night and so now it's not, well, you didn't tell me about that.

[00:20:37] and an argument, everybody sees the benefit of this. . 

[00:20:42] Bree: Yes. I love that. I know you have a bunch of tips up your sleeve, but I think people can really, I'm like, that's one that people can immediately implement and yeah. What are some other tips that you have for time management for families with A D H 

[00:20:58] Annika: D?

[00:21:00] So this isn't just for families with a D H D, but for all families, what I suggest is having a whiteboard calendar in your kitchen or a highly, trafficked area of your home. we have one. We've always had one in our kitchen and, on that family calendar is the big stuff.

[00:21:17] So it's this weekend we're going to the city to see this play. this weekend you have a basketball tournament, this weekend grandma's coming, right.So that the whole family. is seeing what's coming every day. You put a slash through the day so that your eye automatically goes to the day you're on.

[00:21:35] Until we concretize. this, that's what this program that I teach you so much about, it's visual tools. Time just slips through your hands. Because you can't see it unless you concretize it. And so analog clocks are huge. 

[00:21:49] Bree: Can you tell us a little more about analog clocks and why they're so 

[00:21:52] Annika: important? So I have my handy Dan one right here, the analog clock, and it shows the 12 hour cycle, right? And so what happens is you and I don't wanna say older, but more seasoned people grew up with this, right?

[00:22:08] And so we. over and over again in our brains, right? . So when we went to digital, this was already in our brains, so we could see that it's 1130. And if even if it's said digital, 1130, this is in our mind. , right? , is really important because it shows the time now, but I'm also able to see the past in the future within that 12 hour cycle, and so I can see how much longer until I get to have lunch, how much longer I have to work or whatever.

[00:22:40] Our young people are at such a disadvantage because they may have learned this analog clock in first or second grade. Then it was quickly put on the. And everything was digital pretty much. it never made it into becoming a part of their brain. So when they see 1130 digitally, it's in relation to nothing.

[00:23:01] , and many of them do not wear analog clocks as I do . they rely on a phone, and so this is a great tool. , but it's not a great watch because guess what, I may have every good intention of picking this up to look at the time. 

[00:23:17] Annika: Meaning the phone and then you, I pick it up and they say, oh, my friend Brie just texted me. now I'm texting you for 10. now a shoe sale pops up, now I'm buying shoes. So a great tool, but not a great, way to tell time. and certainly most importantly, it's because it doesn't provide that 12 hour cycle.

[00:23:35] Mm-hmm. . . So unless we really give that to our kids, they are going to be time challenged. And when I tell that to people, cause I never thought about time like. I never thought that time like that until I was traded in this about nine years ago, and I was like, that's amazing. In fact, the guy who invented the digital clock said, this will be the downfall of civilization.

[00:23:57] Annika: I forget his name. Interesting. Yeah. Really interesting. And someone asked him, what do you mean? He's like, because everyone will just live in the, for the time they're in. It's instant gratification, right? instead. , you only get so much time. , and that's something that I always impress.

[00:24:13] people that I work with, we can't get it back. It's a one thing we can't get back. So take charge of it,take charge of it. So back to what you were asking me about Tools. This family calendar becomes a place where everyone orients too. Everyone's on the same page. You have, things like doctor's appointments on there, but you also have like the good things coming up, like grandma's visiting or, so you have both.

[00:24:36] Annika: And it becomes a place where people connect with time. another thing I think I mentioned,is this, building is in these pause points. And I even, with these family meetings though, I always say, start the family meeting with a one. just breathing, just closing your eyes and breathing because now you're showing you're modeling for your kids that you value it.

[00:24:58] as much as you and I have kids that are similar ages , and certainly they went through ages, at least mine did, where, they did. I didn't think they were listening to anything I was saying. They listen and watch everything we do. they do, even if they act like they don't or say, we don't know anything.

[00:25:13] Annika: But they're listening, they're watching. And when we build these things in will become a part of what they do. . And so these pause points throughout the day are huge, but we have to practice them. 

[00:25:27] Bree: And , are pause points always breathing or do you have other ways of pausing too?

[00:25:33] Absolutely. 

[00:25:33] Annika: We . Many families that I work with are not, people who like to sit still, even though I say, you know, it's gonna be one minute instead of timer for one minute. It's not that long. try that some people need to get up and move and do, 20 jumping jacks? so it's just finding something that brings you into the present moment.

[00:25:52] which is really, building on your sense senses, right? So some people do, they do the drawing up and down of the fingers with one finger on one hand, because that sensory, is really important for a lot of people. you can do a walk it. walk around the house, but just paying attention to, you know,don't walk around the house, talking on the phone, walk around the house, paying attention to how your feet are hitting the ground, what that feels like.

[00:26:15] , right? Cause now you're rooting in the here and now. some of the other things that I think are huge, sleep . is such a big part affecting all of the executive functions, do you consider 

[00:26:24] Bree: that to be a pause or is that another?

[00:26:28] Annika: it's another tip. . Yeah, it's another tip. certainly a long pause. . It's a long 

[00:26:32] Bree: pause. Hopefully at least eight hours. 

[00:26:34] Annika: Yes. . for the developing brain it's nine. , and for the rest of us, recommendation is eight, but for the developing brain, it's nine. And if you talk to young people, they're not getting nine.

[00:26:43] , they're not getting nine. And so what I tell parents, young kids say, if you do one thing for your. Make those bedrooms technology free. , that's the sacred place again. They're watching you. , if they're technology free, have yours be sacred and technology free. Do not take that cell phone to bed with you.

[00:27:04] Annika: They're watching. this becomes really important. I did with my girls, , they weren't technology free. It wasn't that savvy. But, they had to plug in the living room at, I think we said up through to 10 o'clock. on school nights. then it got, you know,here's where you kind of, and I'm sure you've been through this, but you have teenagers and they're only a couple years from going away and flying, so you don't wanna.

[00:27:28] Lay out these stringent things you want a little by little let go of that baton, right as they're running the relay race. And so I would say by sophomore year, My daughter made a really good case, my older one, she said, this is ridiculous, , I'm gonna college soon, which was, two years away.

[00:27:45] But still, I said, you have a good point. I said, I think you know, you're gonna be able to manage this on your own now. But what I tell parents is make the bedroom technology free. Show them what it's like to go to sleep with a book or listening to some light music, or winding down, they should be technology free at least an hour before sleep. 

[00:28:06] Bree: Or, it's tricky too, because music is often coming through the iPhone now. Yeah. Too. that's been a real thing for my younger daughter is that she really likes to listen to a lot of music. So she's had the iPhone in there, but there are other ways to do it.

[00:28:23] I'm not saying that I've done them , but. , but there are, yeah, there are other ways to get 

[00:28:29] Annika: that. hard too, because I think when you and I had kids, there weren't a lot of controls out yet, so we were like flying by the seat of our pants as parents. Like, oh my gosh, I barely know how to use this thing and now I have to parent you, using this.

[00:28:43] It was really hard. I thought, like, now I'm so envious of parents who have this, 360, I think it's called. . Where they can set boundaries and things like that. so I think, , but I think it's still a challenge. I really do. And I think Covid, and this is something else that was really challenging with Covid, I think we all just tried to survive and so parents were working from home, kids were going to school from home, and I think parents just went, okay, go play your video games.

[00:29:10] Like I'm exhausted. I feel compassion for parents who had young kids during this time because. We were just all trying to survive and figure it out. But now we're really feeling, I think, the repercussions of that because kids are spending way too much time on devices and Sure. It's affecting brains for sure.

[00:29:29] Bree: And they were before the Yeah. Pandemic as well. But I do think it exacerbated it. I'm looking at these five tips. Having a family meeting, having a big calendar in a public place, that's a constant reminder of the big picture. analog clock, which is. , a constant reminder of the passage of time.

[00:29:52] pause points, moments to reflect, to regroup, to redirect and sleep moments, to restore time to restore your body. And also get that good human growth hormone going in the brain that we need, which I believe I listened to Andrew Huberman. I highly recommend Andrew Huberman. but I believe. We get the most human growth hormone, in the first hour to two hours of sleep.

[00:30:22] Bree: But we have less human growth hormone if we go to sleep at a different time. So it's really important to have the same bedtime every night too. That's for kids and adults, and I think adults really struggle with that and teens really struggle with that because we may go to bed earlier on a weeknight.

[00:30:40] but then on the weekend we may stay up later or something and it can be, it can really throw us off and, yeah, it's not always just the hours. 

[00:30:48] . Yeah. And it really can. And it's also about teaching these,these concepts of, I, I work with a lot of teenagers who say, well, I catch up on the weekends.

[00:30:56] Annika: And I said, the brain doesn't work like that. , brain functions best optimally when you are in a routine, that you can follow. Because what happens, you know, if you study sleep is it goes through these cycles, very important cycles where you're taking the short term memories and learning of the day.

[00:31:12] That's then, Consolidated during those cycles to long term memory. And so if you're not getting into those cycles, you're not really, optimally taking charge of your brain. and in terms of the tips you were mentioning, I, I mentor Mary Decla. She calls these the bolds of life and they're sleep.

[00:31:28] Mm-hmm. and their sleep exercise. . Eating. and I'm not saying eat, you don't have to be vegan, you don't have to eat perfectly. But eating, eating well and drinking a lot of water. . And so those are what she calls the boulders of life. Yeah. If you don't have most everything else suffers in terms of your executive functioning and And really focusing on those saying to yourself, and I say, listen, when we rate ourselves, when we do those self-assessments, people will say, oh man, I sleep for five hours a night.

[00:31:57] And I say, listen, it's little by little. I don't expect you to go from five hours to nine. Maybe tonight go from five to five and a half. , then maybe five and a half to six. Like, because if we set ourselves up so high, we're gonna get frustrated and we're gonna quit . 

[00:32:12] You go on a diet, it's diets don't work because you know you wanna have balance. and you want a little by little shift things. and these tips, I think if you take them on and you apply them with consistency and commitment, you will see change. Really positive change. but for families, I do really recommend that modeling what you're doing is gonna be what your kid does.

[00:32:34] Bree: And also we need this good time hygiene, right? Yeah. That's what this is, this good time hygiene. Because it also helps us to be more present in the moment, to have more patience, a longer fuse, more ability to respond instead of react.

[00:32:51] They're tools that help us to. to parent better and just to live better , just to have better lives. 

[00:32:58] Annika: Yeah. And just to feel calmer. I think anxiety's such a big part, of our world today. And, one thing that I wanted to add to the family meeting that is another tip, is I really recommend, developing a family word.

[00:33:12] during those family meetings. And that word becomes something that, you agree on. So say the word is spaghetti. and say, I'm very frustrated and my child is, coming at me and asking for something. And I say spaghetti, basically I'm buying a break. from my child. The child certainly uses it with the parent as well.

[00:33:33] But then you have an agreed upon time limit of an hour where if I call spaghetti within an hour, I have to come back, knock on the door and say, okay, I'm ready to talk now. , because otherwise people would just be running around the house screaming spaghetti at each other, right? , there has to be some accountability, but this has also been an incredible.

[00:33:52] Tip for families because it also shows respect. When you are in that heightened emotion, you can't be expected to access your executive functions and your rational brain. You're literally out of your mind. You know that expression out of your, you're outta your mind, you're outta your mind, and you need to get back to your mind so you can have rational conversations.

[00:34:13] So by saying that family word, you're. , I need a break so that I can get back to my rational brain so that I can access my executive functions. And so that I give as a big tip as well. During your first family meeting, figure out a family word. and I just wanna be clear. So the rule with it is you have the word which you can employ at any time, but then you have to return to that topic or whatever.

[00:34:44] Bree: The impetus was for using the word, within an hour,

[00:34:47] Annika: I recommend an hour. you can certainly. , feel that out depending on the age of the child or the children. but I think an hour is well within it. and what I tell the person that uses the word right, say I'm in that heightened state of anger, say, and I can't, I'm not in my rational mind and I say spaghetti, then I would tell also the people I'm working with.

[00:35:10] That's when you go and you do some of those dopamine enhancers. That's when you do some deep breathing. You take a walk, you go throw the tennis ball to your dog. You,you listen to some music, you give yourself something to feed yourself, to get back to your rational brain and to that right.

[00:35:29] because that's, and. really models respect, right? , because it's not just kids that get frustrated with their parents get frustrated with their kids. And . now we're showing each other, you know what? I respect you. You're telling me you can't have this conversation right now, and I respect you.

[00:35:45] , but it has to be an understanding that you're gonna come back to me within an hour. So some families even set a timer, but that becomes a really, a big accountability piece. And it improves communication because now there's this level of respect.

[00:35:59] Annika: I'm like yelling at you, when you can't hear me , , you're not capable of taking this in right now. 

[00:36:03] Bree: Anika, just you saying that makes me think about how useful that. in any family system or in any relationship? Honestly, I think about how I personally have, sometimes when something has been difficult, I have no problem saying I can't talk about this right now, but I don't often.

[00:36:23] I don't always. , I won't say often. I don't always return to it. And so over the years, that can become a blind spot or it can become a way to avoid dealing with something that really needs to be addressed. Yep. And more fear builds up around it. Yeah. . 

[00:36:41] Annika: Yeah. And that's so true of what you said, and I think it comes from our family of origin, right?

[00:36:45] So I grew up in a Swedish home where you got upset and you walked away and you never returned. , It was very stoic and it was very dysfunctional. , quite frankly. Now, my parents did the best they could, as we all do. But now with this knowledge that I have, I was like, you, I would say, I can't talk about this now, and I would never return to it cuz that's what was modeled for me.

[00:37:06] . But now with this learning, it's, you know what? I have a responsibility to return to that person and say, you know what, I'm ready to talk. and that, I find when I've done that with my daughters, especially, our relationship has gotten so much closer. because they see that I'm human right.

[00:37:22] Annika: And I make mistakes, and I can come back and say, I'm really sorry, I'm ready to talk now. and I think that's really important in. . I love that. Yeah. Limitations. And what I also say is, you know when you don't have enough sleep, it's like waking up with a half tank of gas with your car, you've gotta run that whole day on half a tank of gas.

[00:37:45] by the nighttime you're running on fumes. That's why a lot of families erupt and blow at each other at night, cuz everyone's exhausted. Work together as a team so that you can take care of each other and you can work things out in a calm way.

[00:38:02] Bree: What I love about this and all of these tips is that they are certainly useful. I can see immediately how they're useful in terms of time management for things that are our social and societal expect. , getting your homework done, going to school, getting places on time, taking care of things that need to be taken care of, but they also really feel like they reach an even deeper issue with time management, or I will say a relationship to time, which is to have a better quality.

[00:38:45] Of time that our time just takes on a more fulfilling, engaged presence that I think we, I don't know anyone who doesn't crave that. Recently, I posted on Facebook a question, which was, if you had more time, what would you do with it? And the answers. were wonderful and I'll be addressing them in future episodes.

[00:39:12] But one of the common factors that kept coming up was just a greater quality of time to feel like to, for people to feel like they were inhabiting their time more. And I think that all of these tips can really help us do that. How can people work with you? How can we find you? How can they get to take advantage of all that you have to offer Annika?

[00:39:38] just to attach what, to what you just said. I just have to say that's the reason I love what I do and I'm so passionate about it, is because yes, I can give you time, tools, I can make you more effective and do better in your job and your school. But the number one thing that I love about this work and what I just burn to do, is to help people have deeper, more fulfilling relationships .

[00:40:03] Annika: And I think, these tips really lead to that. They lead to a depth and connection, which is what we all seek, and that's my favorite part. So how can you, get ahold of me? I have a website, which is, www dot time wise. T I M e w I s e.life and I have lots of information on there.

[00:40:24] And, I work one-on-one with families all over the country now, which is hated everything about covid. But the one thing it's done, it's made me connect with families all over the country, which is wonderful. I'm offering two, group courses, which is maybe a little bit more financially. attractive for some for some families. and they're starting in January, so they'll be a Wednesday evening class and a Saturday class. and you're 

[00:40:48] Bree: on the East Coast by the way, so I just want people. . 

[00:40:52] Annika: Yeah. So East Coast time would be seven on a Wednesday night and Saturdays it would be at three. Eastern time.

[00:41:00] . And, so those are two things that are coming up. and other than that, can reach out to me, free phone consultation. I'll talk to you about, what's going on and to see if this is possibly something that might work for you and your family. . But I love what I do and I'm here to support anyone who's interested in getting better, use of their time.

[00:41:20] Bree: I love it. I love it. And I can say anyone who has a chance to work with Annika is very lucky indeed. 

[00:41:27] Annika: Thank for having me and I'm so happy with what you do and all the great learning that you. Thank you.

[00:41:34] Bree: Here are my key takeaways from this conversation with Annika Ostrom. Number one, set up a weekly family meeting to talk about what is coming up in the coming week. Number two, keep a big family calendar for important events in a well traffic spot in your home so everyone can see.

[00:41:52] Number three, tell time using an analog clock and try getting one for your home and having a watch with hands on it so you and your children can see the passage of time. Number four, take moments to pause and regroup throughout your days. number five, make sure you are getting enough sleep. And also, number six, try setting up a family word so you can attend to discussions with the attention and respect that you and your family deserve.