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Welcome to Pause To Go, the podcast that's all about making the most of life's transitions from middle school through menopause. I'm your host, Bree Luck joining you as we embark on a journey of self discovery and questionable decisions. Get ready for heartfelt conversations, expert insights, and personal stories that will have you laughing, crying and saying, thank goodness I'm not alone. If you've lost your midlife crisis survival kit, we've got you covered. So join me, won't you?

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And together we can pause to go.

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I am recording today's episode on Cape Cod, where I've had the incredible luxury of having a sort of working vacation, which is to say that I've been able to take a walk on the beach every morning before my work day begins. Most of the time I listen to podcasts on my walk because that's what I do. But this week I've used the walks as more of a chance to dream and brainstorm and think about how quickly and slowly our lives change. The girls have been up here for the last week with friends, and a couple of days ago, my 17 year old admitted to me that she didn't want to leave because she didn't know when we might all be together like this normal together, not once in a blue moon together, not the together. That happens when everyone moves off on their own direction, finds their own entanglements, and creates references that are no longer common to us all as a family.

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A lot of changes. On the other hand, my brother came to visit us for a few days with his girlfriend. He's 24 years younger than I am, so we never really had those common references because we grew up in different generations. They're distant family members, gathering only for high holidays and the occasional theatrical event, because we have a lot of performers in my family. And I'll be honest, I was feeling a little sorry for myself because I was caught in that place.

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That was like feeling like I'm losing so much with the kids, heading off to their new lives as grown ups. Then I saw my brother and his girlfriend, and they were exchanging these sweet glances they bring each other like little gifts a beer, a perfectly grilled sandwich, an ice cream. I guess we did a lot of eating, but they didn't even ask each other right. They just knew what the other one wanted. They knew what would make them happy.

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And I thought about how beautiful it is to see someone you love find a partner in love, and how we can only find that deep, new, original connection when we're brave enough to venture away from all that we know. And I thought of how my girls will cultivate their chosen families and have new references for all of their connections, and that Jeff and I will do the same. Because as ridiculous as this may sound, I needed a reminder that my life will not end when my children leave home. And like them, I also get to create a rich new life where they will always, always have my heart, but they may not get all the little inside jokes. Okay, so today we are diving into a reader question that I think most of us can relate to our listener.

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Let's call her Sarah. I guess it's not a reader question. I guess it's a listener question. Well, let's call her Sarah. She wants to remain anonymous.

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She writes, Dear Brie, should I let my hair grow gray? I'm a 45 year old woman, and I've been dyeing my hair since I was 17. Frankly, I'm sick of it. It's expensive, and it takes up so much time. On the other hand, I'm afraid that I'll look old if I go natural.

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Why am I afraid of looking old? What the heck is that about? What should I do? Well, Sarah, thank you for sharing this question. It is one that I've asked myself many, many times, because when it comes to being a woman of a certain age, we start to run into issues of bias, because that's what we're dealing with here, Sarah.

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And today we're going to talk about the intersection of the age bias and the sex bias and how they play out in the realm of beauty. So let's talk a little bit about the concept of intersectionality. Intersectionality was coined by the legal scholar Kimberly Crinshaw, and it acknowledges that individuals experience overlapping forms of discrimination or disadvantage based on intersecting social identities, like age, race, gender, size, ability. All of those shape our experiences and the biases we face. So, Sarah, your fear of looking old is one that many of us grapple with, and it highlights the complex interplay that happens with age bias and sexism.

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So society often places a premium on youth, especially Western society, and particularly for women. We can see it in the language men become sexy silver foxes, while women become cranky blue hairs. That's not fair. The media, of course, perpetuates these harmful stereotypes about aging and beauty, and it's a constant reinforcement of that, right? I mean, we are constantly bombarded with messages that equate youth with desirability vitality and success.

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And these messages can seep into our subconscious, influencing our perception of ourselves and creating a fear of aging. So these biases aren't always obvious. They come out in a multitude of ways. Maybe it's the birthday card when you turn 40 that says over the hill, or the comment from your neighbor that's like, oh, you look good for your age, suggesting that you only look good when you factor in the disadvantage of being over, say, 25. Or maybe it's like self directed ageism.

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And this is when we internalize society's negative views so much that we can't really see any other truth. So then we perpetuate the lie by the internal dialogue that we have around what we're doing and what we're going through. So we misplace our keys. We blame it on age. We feel like staying in for the night.

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We're an old coot. It's a mind game, right? Where you become your own worst enemy. And let's not forget the medical world. We know that older adults are often left out of research and clinical trials.

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Women speak of feeling invisible. In fact, a recent study showed that nearly 70% of women feel like they lose visibility and desirability after they've reached the age of 52. And is it any wonder that we feel that way? Look at the messages. Look at the messages that we're getting from workplace shenanigans to our own inner battles and sneaky institutional hurdles.

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But here is the beauty, I mean, the real beauty of the situation. We can challenge the assumptions, we can rewrite the narrative around age and gender, and we can prove that age can be an asset rather than a mere limitation. And choosing whether or not you color your hair can be a part of that. Because as long as you know that you have a choice, no matter what you choose, you are that much more empowered. Going gray is a personal choice that can be liberating.

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For me, it's been a statement of self acceptance, embracing the natural aging process and defying societal expectations. Instead of viewing gray hair as a sign of decline, what if we reframe it as a symbol of strength and wisdom and badassery and life experience? Our hair just like the lines on our faces. The lines on our faces. That all the beauty industry wants us to pay a lot of money to get rid of.

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Those lines on our faces tell a story of the journeys we've embarked upon and the knowledge we've gained. They are a testament to the vibrant and rich lives we've lived. At least, that's how I'm choosing to see it. When I decided to let my hair go gray, I felt a real mix of emotions. Shame was one of them, but so was excitement and curiosity and delight.

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And as I embraced my natural hair colors, I discovered a newfound sense of freedom. My silvering locks have become a source of pride for me. I told a friend recently that going gray was a little bit like getting a face tattoo. People are going to judge you for it, but if you like it, girl, that's your choice. It is a deeply individual act of rebellion.

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So, Sarah, as you contemplate whether to let your hair go gray or to keep coloring it, I encourage you to consider that your worth is not defined by the color of your hair or by societal beauty standards. It's about living in alignment with your values and making choices that reflect who you are and how you want to show up in the world. And only you know that. So my advice to you is to do what feels right for you. If you're tired of the time of the expense and the effort that goes into dyeing your hair, it might be the perfect opportunity to embrace your natural color, experiment with new styles, consult a professional hairstylist, or seek support from online communities.

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Let me tell you, for me, Instagram has been a great place to begin. On the other hand, if you feel like you're not quite ready to take on all of ageism right now, Sarah, I totally respect that. And if you're still on the fence, you can talk to your hairdresser about moving to less permanent options to ease your way into embracing your inner silver siren. So, Sarah, I hope this episode has provided you with insights and empowered you to make a decision that aligns with yourself. Remember, your worth and your beauty are not determined by societal expectations, but by the person you are.

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Thank you, Sarah, for sharing your question and for allowing us to explore personal choices and societal expectations. Remember, you have the power to define what beautiful is for you. Hey, this has been a listener question episode. Thank you for joining me. Here's my call to action for this episode.

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That's what they call it when I'm trying to get you to do something, I want you to do something, and that is to share your story. So if you would like to share an experience of your midlife delights, agony, or just plain humor, you can leave me a voice memo on my new website. Posdagopodcast.com. There's a tab on the right side of the website that says something like, leave me a voice memo. And you can you can just record a voice memo for me right there, and I'll get it.

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And if you feel comfortable having me share your voice on the pod, then I can share that with everyone. It's so nice to hear other people's voices, but if you don't feel comfortable having me share your voice, I can just anonymously share your story. It'll be great to have your stories on the Pause to Go podcast. All right, stay curious, y'all. Thank you for listening to the Pause to Go podcast.

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Special thanks to Codebase Coworking and WTJU Radio for their support. This has been an awkward Sage production.