Hey there, Pause To Go fam! Let's talk about a subject we're often told to avoid—getting older, specifically, navigating the perimenopausal phase of life. This post is a supplement to this week's podcast episode (S4, E11), which explores the major identity shifts that often occur in midlife and how to make the most of them!
The Perimenopausal Rollercoaster
Let’s get back to basics – what's perimenopause? I like to think of it as puberty's sarcastic older sibling. Hormones go haywire, moods swing faster than a pendulum, and you start to question who you are. Technically speaking, perimenopause is the time of hormonal shifts leading up to menopause. And menopause is defined as the cessation of menses (usually - but not always - identified by 12 months of being period-free. For many people, it is also a time when their roles - cultural, sexual, personal, and even professional, are shifting -- and this week, we're exploring ways to make that less of a threat and more of an opportunity!
The Developmental Dance: Evolving Identities and Internal Role Systems
Alright, let’s get a bit nerdy but keep it real. Evolving identities aren't just about midlife crises or buying a sports car you can't afford; it's rooted in the developmental stages we go through as humans. Remember Erik Erikson’s psychosocial stages? Yeah, that was just the beginning – our developmental phases continue throughout a whole life time – and that includes our shifting identity in midlife.
Internal Role Systems: The Personal Theater
Y'all know I can't stay away from a theater reference, so I'm going to invite you to think of your identity as a theater production where you're both the director and a really phenomenal actor (I'm thinking Meryl Streep or Charlize Theron) who can play a wide range of parts. Over time, you audition different "roles" for your life play. Sometimes, you land a role that resonates deeply; other times, you find out that playing the 'perpetual party animal' or 'unflappable careerist' has lost its luster.
As you go through different life phases—whether it’s parenthood, perimenopause, or even a pandemic—your internal role system undergoes a shuffle. Roles you previously cast aside may suddenly seem relevant, while others get an unceremonious boot offstage.
The Navigational Toolkit
So, how do you navigate this internal reshuffling? Well, first you might engage in a little self-inquiry. Yeah, that sounds heavy, but it’s basically about asking yourself hard questions and being okay with complicated answers. You can use tools like The Lovely Unbecoming Inner Role Exploration or even simpler ones like journaling to make sense of your internal dynamics.
One more thing: while you’re the star of your personal theater, you’re not acting alone. Surrounding yourself with a supportive community can offer valuable feedback.
Case in Point: Mary's Tale
I'm going to tell you about one of my clients – whom we’ll call Mary. As a small business owner and mother of two, Mary’s life was often stressful, but when she came to me, she’d also been struggling with symptoms like unusually heavy and sporadic periods, mood swings, and fatigue. The real kicker? She felt like she didn’t know who she was anymore and she was fed up with trying to “fit in” to a mold that wasn’t working for her.
Imagine heading home for Thanksgiving and feeling like you can’t dress in a way that feels authentic for you. Now imagine doing that with a stomach ache, a week of no sleep, and on the heels of a breakup. It was like that for Mary all the time.
To help Mary out, I introduced her to an exercise called an "inner role exploration." It’s a method rooted in drama therapy where you sort 70 - 80 archetypal roles (like Queen and Worker) into categories:
1. Who you are
2. Who you're not
3. Who you might be
4. Who you want to be.
In this exercise, Mary realized that she had a lot of resistance to some roles – and also found other roles that were absolutely magnetic for her. Over the next month, we transformed her perception of the inner roles she'd been resistant to, like the "Crone," into empowering or illuminating aspects of herself. She realized the Crone could be magical, self-sufficient, and yes, even sexy. And while we were at it, we helped her reframe some of the aspirational roles that she was drawn to, so that she could see how she already had access to some of those parts too.
Strategies for Navigating Identity Shifts
Okay, enough storytelling. Let’s get down to the nitty-gritty: strategies you can employ to handle your shifting identity.
- Be Self-aware: Notice your evolving self. Take a journal and jot down your emotional state—irritable, lustful, cheerful, you name it.
- Seek Support: This isn’t a solo expedition; find communities or professionals who can help you navigate this transition.
- Cultivate Role Models, in your day to day life – or in the media: And, hey, If the media's not doing a good job portraying people your age, find or even invent characters who represent what you aspire to be.
- Dance it Out: Or just engage with yourself creatively, just like I did when I let my "inner fool" take over on the dance floor a few weeks ago.
So, what's your perimenopausal journey like?
Too intimate for a podcast shoutout? No worries. Head over to the tab on the right side of this page, and click on the tab that says "Leave me a voicemail!" Your stories matter, and I'd love to feature them (anonymously if you prefer.)
That’s it for this blog post. If you’re intrigued, there's a whole podcast episode waiting for you. But if reading's your jam, stay tuned for more here. Either way, let’s keep evolving together. Cheers!
