16. Navigating Career Transitions: How to take action when you’re scared

Julie [00:00:02]: Welcome to her leading story, a podcast that will inspire you with stories from amazing female leaders and give you some ideas to help you design a life and a career. Perfect for you. It's totally doable. And the good news is that you'll have me and our community of leading women by your side every single step of away. Let's get started. I'm your host, Julie artist, and this is her leading story. Hello, hello and welcome back to another episode of her leading story. This is Julie, and I'm here again with a solo episode on a topic that keeps coming up for me as I talk to women about their careers, about what they want, about the changes they're looking for. Julie [00:01:03]: And we're going to talk all about fear and taking risks, and especially doing that at mid career and midlife. I've said before on various podcasts and posts on social media that when you're thinking about doing something like changing your career or taking on a different role and you're in your, it's a little bit scary. And the first thing I want to do is normalize that. Right. We have a lot going on that we are responsible for at that stage in life. The stakes are high. Our family might be depending on us to bring in a certain amount of money, might be dependent on us for benefits, might be dependent on us for putting away money for college or retirement. There's a lot of contingencies at this point where you've made some assumptions about what was going to happen, and the idea of shaking things up can be scary. Julie [00:02:12]: So that's one piece of something that I talk to clients and potential clients a ton, and I wanted to address it directly on a podcast episode just so that anybody listening could hear a little bit about how I think about this and the kinds of things that I work on with my clients. So the first thing that I try to do with somebody who's really freaking out about, like, who knows they need to change something, who knows they need to ask for a raise, but they're too scared to do it. Who knows? They need to switch jobs or go for a lateral move, ask for the promotion. First off, there's fear that might not, at first, present as fear. I know that's coach speak. Let me explain a little bit about what I mean by that. Fear can manifest in a lot of different ways, right? And so in our bodies, it just feels uncomfortable. And so because it's uncomfortable, when we think about making a change in our career or making a change in our job of some sort, it feels unsafe and our bodies can react with fear, and our brains then usually try to come up with ways to keep us safe, aka, don't change anything. Julie [00:03:49]: Now, unfortunately, when you're going through this, a lot of times the brain says things like, oh, you're never going to get a better position. Oh, your skills, they're just not worth anything. So just to give you a specific example, I was talking to a client the other day, and they were interested in these other jobs. They're happy, but occasionally not really happy at their current job. They've been approached by other companies within their industry. And I was like, well, have you pursued those people who reached out to you and said, maybe you should come work with us? And she said, no, not really. I haven't really followed up. I mean, those companies are just the same as mine. Julie [00:04:41]: And I was like, really? Now? In the session, I was kind of like, really? Like, you really think those other companies have the same exact kind of toxic culture that you don't like about the current place that you're working or the gossip culture? I forget what the details were. And she says, yeah, why would I go on the market, uproot where I am, leave my team, blah, blah, blah, if it's just going to be the same somewhere else? And what I pointed out to her were two things. This is an assumption she's making. Her brain is making an assumption about other companies and their culture without any evidence, zero evidence. So I asked her if she had any evidence. Had she talked to other people who work for those companies? No. She's just assuming that what her current lived reality was at work in her company was the lived reality that she would experience at any other company in this industry. And I just challenged that assumption for her and made her see how she was actually making an assumption. Julie [00:05:54]: And that may or may not be true, right? And if she assumes that it's true, she's not going to do anything, right? If she is open to the idea that other companies may be a better fit for her or a better working environment, then suddenly she has to explore it. What was tricky about this is that this particular client really values safety. And I pointed out to her that exploring even the idea of exploring other options was tapping into her need for safety. And what I want to say to everyone listening is that this is a form of fear, right? This is your brain protecting you, because underneath the layers of stories you're telling yourself, the assumptions that you're making, there's usually a core feeling underneath there. And in this case, it was fear. It was fear for safety. Not her physical safety, but safety, that she would be able to be in a good environment, that she would be able to match or better her income, et cetera. Right. Julie [00:07:20]: So we talked very specifically about how to move forward with that. Understand that when I'm talking about those changes, it's often fear that's underneath everything. So I just wanted to address this head on and talk a little bit about a couple of ways that I work with clients who have fear. So the first thing is that I'm usually listening very carefully for what the underlying emotion is or what the underlying motivator is. Why is this person making assumptions? Like, why is this person resisting the change? Right now, we all know change is hard. The stakes are higher. But it's also true that in this particular case, this client didn't even want to have a conversation about this. You can have lots of conversations with lots of people and not change your life at all. Julie [00:08:24]: Right? But she felt like, even the conversation felt scary to her. Like, felt a little risky. And once she realized that she was doing that, she was like, oh, so the first layer is, like, kind of working with me to figure out what is underneath that assumption that you're making. Right. And then there's a couple of ways to go from there. There's one thing that I explained to a lot of my clients that I feel like was really a major aha. Moment for me. And this is a concept from Tara Moore, who wrote the book playing big. Julie [00:09:18]: And she's amazing. And she has a whole chapter on fear. And what she talks about in that chapter is that the way our body experiences the butterflies in the stomach or the muscles tensing up, those kinds of bodily reactions to the feeling of fear are the same exact bodily reactions that we have when we're doing something that's a little beyond our comfort zone, but super exciting. Right? So sometimes as we age, we can start to equate fear with excitement or fear with being a little bit nervous. But knowing that we're pushing our edge and for me, knowing that the way our body experiences fear and this sort of pushing our edge is basically the same has been really transformative for me because it makes me step back when I'm starting to get super anxious or fearful about something that isn't life threatening. Right. But that is something I'm doing at work or socially or whatever. And I'm like, am I actually afraid for my physical well being, my mental well being, my social well being? Am I actually afraid, or am I just feeling these sensations in my body because I'm doing something that's just a little bit out of my comfort zone. Julie [00:11:00]: And I know it's going to be good for me. It's sort of like a little bit of an edge of excitement, a little bit of like, wow, I'm going to do this. And so for me, speaking, I mean, I teach, so that doesn't make me nervous anymore. But speaking to a larger audience, maybe of my colleagues can get me there where I'm a little bit on edge and I feel those sensations in my body. But I'm like, once I'm up there and speaking, and then after, I'm like, I did it right. So I encourage you to reflect on whether or not if you have feelings of fear come up when you're thinking about doing something that's outside of your comfort zone, really question whether or not you're feeling afraid because you're in some sort of harm or whether you're just pushing up against your edge. I also think in terms of pushing up against your edge and getting a little bit out of your comfort zone. Know, for most people, just pushing a little bit out of your comfort zone a little bit at a time is probably the way to go. Julie [00:12:09]: Right? Baby steps. This goes back to what Elizabeth du Vivier talked about when she know, no drama, no trauma. If you're interested in changing something or doing something, just do a little bit at a time, right? So that is one thing I often share with clients for them to kind of reflect on or a question that I will ask them in the middle of a session so that they're really reflecting on, oh, maybe this isn't like, catastrophic, this thing that I'm thinking about doing. Maybe it's just pushing me out of my comfort zone and related to that. When we're talking about changing jobs or looking for a different job or making some sort of pivot, a lot of times we think about the pivot as, it's like the pivot. I talk about it as a pivot. And when you think about like, oh, my God, I'm going to take what I do now and I'm going to change companies, I'm going to move to a completely different career, I'm going to go for this promotion and have all this pressure on me. The reality is that rarely are we making a huge leap. Julie [00:13:21]: Right? Instead, there's usually tons of little steps on the way to making that happen that you can push carefully past your comfort zone. You might start networking, you might start having conversations, you might revisit your resume. All of those are parts of the step to any of those kinds of change. And I think sometimes we forget that those big changes can be broken down into very small steps. And that's something I do all the time in kickoff calls with new clients, where we're basically setting goals and kind of coming up with a plan and sort of breaking it down so that it's not overwhelming in any one given week and that it's in bite sized steps. And also so that you're not really pushing up against that panic that something like today you're going to be a professor, and tomorrow you're going to be, I don't know, working in a corporation and a nine to five job, that's not usually the way things work. Right. It usually takes a little bit more time, and you get a little bit more comfortable with each step of the way. Julie [00:14:38]: The final thing that I wanted to discuss as sort of tools that I have appreciated using in my own life and that I share with clients is the set of tools that I learned as part of my coach training that have to do with neuroscience and cutting edge neuroscience and the way this works. And I do have a previous episode, I'll link it in the show notes that talks all about neuroscience tools and how they can be used and what they can be used for. But the way that I was trained on this was that there are sort of three different levels that you can work at. The top level is that you have a neural association between having a conversation about a raise with your boss that is connected to some experience or socialization that makes you nervous, that if you think about having that kind of conversation with your boss, you automatically associate it with a bad conversation you've had with somebody in the past. Right. And that can bring up fear. So there may, in fact, if we explore these issues, be some sort of associations, neural associations between the kind of change that you're trying to make, the kind of risk you're trying to take, and some sort of thing that happened in the past, whether it's related to the workplace or not. Right. Julie [00:16:12]: It could be that you got reprimanded as a child by doing something wrong and you are, like, looping back to that feeling. The brain is kind of an amazing thing. And one of the ways that I work with clients is to teach them and give them the tools on how to interrupt those thought patterns by using somatic or body based tools. And I've talked about this. I talked about this on the previous podcast when I've been interviewed on other podcasts and these include things like tapping, if you're familiar, eft tapping. It could be something as simple as instead of having a focus, broadening your gaze to the world around you, it's like a pattern interrupt when you're going down a neural pathway and you have these fearful bodily sensations that are associated with the thing that you're doing that feels risky. Right? So having a conversation about a raise and how that's associated with makes you feel yucky. We can interrupt that, and then we can also work to change that neural association through, I was taught through sort of variations of neuro linguistic programming, which basically means that you're really working with the client to change those neural pathways through a conversational approach. Julie [00:17:43]: Right, interrupting it when it's happening and then trying to sort of redraw the road between asking your boss for a raise and another time when you felt empowered. So I know that sounds vague, so maybe this is one of those ones where I'll need to do a coaching episode where I'm actually using one of these tools so that you can see how it works in action. So those are levels one and two, like interrupting the pattern in the brain and then substituting the association with one that's more empowering. And then there's also parts of ways that I've been trained to really do deep meditation and meaning making. Why is it that you want to make a change? What's driving it? What does your sort of wise inner self say? And this is something I've taken clients through as well, where you really get into sort of a meditative state, a relaxed state, and look inside for answers about what's the best thing for you, as opposed to looking for those outside of yourself. And the reason that's important, that layer of meaning, is that it gives you a little bit more motivation to make the change, right? To feel the discomfort, even if it feels risky or scary, even if you're pushing on your edge, you have that why you have your mission or directive from what we'll call your wise inner self, or however you want to frame it. And that can be really. I mean, that's what helped me, for example, believe it or not, when I was thinking about starting this business, and I know my why for this business, and I've shared it, right? Which is that I want more women to be in more positions of leadership, change making and impact. Julie [00:19:58]: And I want them to get over their fears and their concerns about anything. Right? Like, about anything. And to really realize what their gifts are and to share those gifts with the world and I want to help facilitate that, and I think the world will be a better place because of it. And this was something that came to me during the pandemic. But to build a business, doing this requires that I be visible online. It requires that I tell people what I'm doing. It requires that I make sure that I feel good about it. And it took me probably a good three years to really feel like I could inch up to be as visible on social media and on this podcast as I am now to come as my whole self and be able to share with you in all of those different formats. Julie [00:20:55]: Visibility I'm kind of an introvert, and even though I teach, I don't like to really be on stage. And so the visibility, being visible was really hard for me. And I was telling myself all these kinds of stories. People are going to judge me. Everybody has been so supportive. I mean, so supportive. So I was making up my own story, right? And I was feeling afraid to put myself out there. And I had to do it incrementally. Julie [00:21:25]: I had to do it little time by little, time by little, bit by step by step by step. And the driving force behind it, my reason for doing it, that mission that I just shared, is what gave me the push, right, to really lean in to that difficult feeling, that feeling of being exposed, of people knowing what I'm doing, people being in my business, which is what we would have called it when I was growing up. In some ways, I'm an example of conquering something that I was truly, truly afraid of doing. So I hope this has given you a little bit of framework for how I approach taking risks, feeling the fear, and doing it anyway. As my mom would say, getting out of your comfort zone and leaning into your purpose. If you have any questions, let me know. I would love to support you. If this is something that you've been thinking about, you can always schedule a voiceyourvalue call with me@voiceyourvaluecall.com. Julie [00:22:42]: I would love to talk to you about any questions you have, especially if you're interested in getting this kind of support as you're leaning into your own change and risk in your own life. Have a great week, everyone. I'll see you soon. And that's a wrap on this episode of her leading story. If you love this episode, please help me reach more women by leaving a review wherever you're listening. Thank you so much for being here, and I'll see you next week. This has been an awkward sage production.