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April 10, 2024
”What I Wanted Doesn’t Feel How I Thought It Would”
"I desperately want space...but can I even tolerate it?"What is underneath our desires?What is blocking our ability to experience what we really want?In this episode I impromptu coach myself and in real time & discover the real thing going on und...
"I desperately want space...but can I even tolerate it?"
What is underneath our desires?
What is blocking our ability to experience what we really want?
In this episode I impromptu coach myself and in real time & discover the real thing going on underneath the surface.
SHOW NOTES:
1:1 NLP BREAKTHROUGH COACHING
Sacred Seeing Membership for Creatives
https://www.instagram.com/biancaleamorra/
Awkward Sage Media
Transcript
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what happens when you finally get the thing that you've been So desperately feeling like you're in need of and it doesn't feel like how you thought it would feel Till as old as time What the fuck oh my gosh, Help Me See is a podcast dedicated to the art of seeing.
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It's a space for the restless visionary with an insatiable desire to create the life and work you're meant for.
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My name is Bianca Lea Mora, and I'm a photographic artist, a mother, and a coach who's transformed my fear of loss into power, art, and philosophy.
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One of the scariest quotes I never want to say is, I wish I knew at the time, but I truly believe that we have the innate ability to bring our wise 2020 hindsight to our now.
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You can deeply experience your nostalgia now, while it's actually happening, with no regrets.
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All you have to do is see.
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In this show, we laugh, we cry, we get inspired, we overshare, we have life changing conversations around making meaning, self discovery, and shedding all the BS layers in order to reconnect to our own sacred vision.
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Seeing yourself is an essential key to living powerfully.
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You are the vessel, the lens that filters absolutely everything in your life.
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What are you filtering for? Whether it be conversations with fellow artists and visionaries, or my solo audio journal style introspective ramblings, each episode is meant to feel like an exhale, an unraveling of truth, a moment for you to be able to put your finger on something that you haven't been able to for far too long.
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Come exactly as you are.
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It's perfect.
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Honor your instincts.
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Let's uncover some of the most important things in our lives which all too often can slip out from our view.
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Let's commit to seeing and consciously creating what only you can in your one and only life.
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Let's dive in.
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hello, and welcome to another episode of help me see I'm coming to you.
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With the conundrum of what happens when you finally get the thing that you've been So desperately feeling like you're in need of and it doesn't feel like how you thought it would feel Till as old as time What the fuck oh my gosh, um, i'm in san francisco on work and uh I had, uh, a spacious weekend where there wasn't a shoot there.
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So I was like, Oh my goodness, how much am I going to get done? And then my hard drive failed, which has never happened to me before.
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And I have to wait until I get back home to take it to, uh, get, get the data recovered and the whole thing.
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It sucks because I have so much work that I wanted to work on.
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So many photos to edit and it's like, okay, it's okay.
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There's so much else that I could be working on.
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There's so much else that I could do.
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So trying to maintain my Zen, trying to say, okay, universe, this must be for a reason.
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All right.
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I will simply work on.
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Some of the laundry list of things that I grow, have grown accustomed to saying, if I only had the time and space I would X, Y, Z.
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Well, here I am with the time and most certainly the space because I'm on the other side of the country from, um, all of my other responsibilities and family and life and, and I've become painfully aware of how much of an intolerance I have for space.
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Ironically, I just want space.
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I just want space like, do yeah, maybe perhaps some of the work that I'm so desperate to get to has been being used as a numbing agent for other areas in my life, this conversation of what happens when you get what you want, what happens when you finally.
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Get what you've been longing for or putting on a pedestal.
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It feels like nine times out of 10, it's this deflating feeling, this empty feeling of like, Oh, the thing that you're saying you want is usually not.
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It's like, whatever is a couple layers below the underbelly of that.
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I want to feel spacious.
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I want to feel freedom and, a nervous system that feels calm and, you know, blah, blah, blah.
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I don't actually want space because what do I do when I get the space? I start feeling anxious about what's What I want to do and making the most of the space and what should I get done? And oh my gosh, I can't focus and, uh, I don't want to, I can't work on the work that I actually want to work on because now my hard drive is broken and oh my gosh.
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I'm just like sick of myself.
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Oh my goodness.
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I have, I've walked around for days.
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I've done a shit ton of walking and I've found myself just like putting on a podcast episode and then taking it off, putting on an audio book and then taking it off, putting on music, really enjoying that.
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But then taking it off.
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I think my brain needs a break.
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Can you relate to this? Can you, like what happens when you're go to.
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Activity or, um, you know, your work or your creativity, or, you know, the things that you usually go to that feel good, aren't feeling good.
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What happens then? Asking for a friend.
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What happens then? It definitely feels like there's a reason for the discomfort, but it really hits that trigger button.
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That is underneath most of what my life revolves around.
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And that's making the most of my time, making the most of my life.
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And what does that mean? What does making the most of my time mean to me? What does making the most of your time mean to you and how can we honor What feels good to us while remaining open and curious.
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About what might be even better, better than we could ever imagine, better than we expect, better than what we've experienced before.
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I think that feels really tricky.
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I think holding your convictions loosely.
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It feels counterintuitive, like so much of what I believe in and what I teach and what I live is around tapping into your instincts, your innate wisdom, your impulses, and honoring you.
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What feels true to you, but the caveat there is so much of what we're responding to and, you know, consciously thinking about is only drawing from our own experiences and it doesn't account for all of the possibilities that are actually available to us.
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So remaining open and holding it loosely is an essential part of living life and experiencing life.
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So what does it mean to be so emotionally attached to a concept, an idea, a goal, a vision, and yet remain open to responding to what is.
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To be present, to be present.
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Life that's actually happening and not only the type of life that you've planned or expected or anticipated in any way.
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And like everything else, I can relate this back to a photo session.
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If you're walking into someone's home.
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Looking to fit them into a template of what you've seen before and what was really precious and sentimental and powerful in another session, it's not going to work.
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And even if it does work, you're doing a incredible disservice to the client for the truth of who they really are.
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And to yourself in, in honoring your abilities and honoring yourself and trusting that.
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You will be able to respond to whatever is new and different, uh, about these people, because you trust yourself and your ability to see and create in that way.
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The question then becomes, is it a question of, maybe it's not, it's not that I don't trust myself.
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in space or with space without something to do.
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It's maybe it's around, do I feel worthy of space? Do I feel like.
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Oh no.
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Oh, plot twist.
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This NLP ing myself, coaching myself mid episode.
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Hold on.
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Maybe this is about only feeling worthy or only feeling okay or good about myself when I'm producing something.
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You know, maybe it's less about wasting time and wanting to create and not being able to, because that's like that romantic tortured artist narrative, isn't it? Maybe it's more about who am I, if I'm not.
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Making something and what I'm making is for other people.
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Right.
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So, and I get to deliver that and I get to, you know, see them and feel them love their photos and be so excited and be, you know, so grateful that those pictures are captured.
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And I get to, you know, do that and feel that and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
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But what if I'm just a person that's going for a walk on a beautiful day in a city that I love and I didn't do anything.
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I didn't make anything for someone.
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Why does that feel so hard? Why do I feel like I want to cry? Why does that make me feel so uncomfortable? Do you relate to this? Now I think about when I'm at home and I desperately need a break and from, you know, just if I'm, you know, with the kids for a really long time and my partner done working, I want to go upstairs and have a moment of space and silence, but again, I really always have this inclination to do something, get something done, create something like, what if, what if you had like a bajillion dollars and everything you ever needed and desired and everyone was happy and healthy and safe, what then? Now, how can we bring our deepest desires, our, Aspirations, our dreams into now, I feel in a multitude of ways, but I guess specifically you can either pretend that you have everything you want now, and then think if that was so, What then what happens then, and just put yourself in that, or let's go ahead and do the deeper work, the bonus gold star work and say, think about what you want, what you're desiring, what you're craving.
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And when you look at that on the page, force yourself to go five levels deeper.
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Like that's some of the work that, um, I do with my coaching clients.
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If you're, if you're interested in, uh, uh, coaching session, sacred vision session, uh, head to the show notes and you can reach out and DM and ask questions.
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I'm happy to talk to you about it.
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Um, But let's just do it here right now.
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Look at what you say you want, feel like you want, look five levels deeper.
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Why, why, why, why, why, but why, but why, but why, until you can't anymore.
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And oftentimes you will reach a state, a state of being, uh, uh, a feeling.
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Um, and then think about how you do.
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Already have it.
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Where can you see that in your life right now? Where can you access that now? How can you access that now? So that eliminates the, the striving and the, you know, grass is greener looking out, and then when you get there.
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What happens, how do you move in your life? Like, how does that change the energy of what you're creating, what you're doing? How does that change the urgency? How does that change how you feel in your skin? It, I, I sound like a broken record.
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I'm sure, but that it is why I compare everything, anything I'm struggling with in life, I always compare to my craft.
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And I'm not saying like, Oh, because I'm perfect at my craft.
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I'm saying because my.
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I'm so calibrated and integrated with that process and with that committed and dedicated and in a flow with it, that it just feels so second nature instinctual to relate everything to that.
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I think.
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When I'm photographing someone or something, I'm not trying to be a great photographer.
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I'm not trying to make powerful work.
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Of course I want to make powerful work, but when I'm in the act of doing it, there isn't room for a striving or a desire for achievement.
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It's just.
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The most pure flow.
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It's the most open I'm, I'm open.
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I'm seeing, I'm not seeing, Oh, this is the shot with the mom and the baby.
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And now I need to get the mom and the, the husband, but I'm seeing, look at what's happening here between their faces.
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And I'm seeing the baby when she is an adult looking at that picture and understanding Relationship with her mom in a different way.
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And, you know, it's just like you have this crazy x ray vision that is so much like back and forth, it's so broad and high level, but it's also so specific.
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You could see a hair being lit up by the sun.
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That's hitting it just incredible when you're in that level of flow.
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And when you're in that level of connection.
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And the narrative is just so elevated up and out of whatever weeds, whatever clouds, it's like you're in a plane and you go above the clouds and everything feels clear.
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Okay.
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So I'll do it on me.
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I'll guinea pig.
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So okay.
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If what, okay, let's say not a big goal, but what do I want? What, what did I want for this weekend for this time and space I had? That wasn't me working on set, you know, for this gig, but in the time and space that I wanted, I wanted to create, uh, wanted to finish something.
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Okay.
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Let's say that I wanted to finish, uh, a gallery.
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Why did I want to finish the gallery? Uh, I wanted something off my plate so I can move on to the next gallery.
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Uh, I also wanted to.
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To be in the creation of that and feel that flow.
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And I also wanted to get those photos to the client because I'm so excited to get them to the client, even though there's no time pressure, because I have plenty of time, um, to do that.
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Okay.
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Why do I want to get them to the client? Why do I want to be in flow? Because I want to feel good.
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I want to feel productive.
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I want to feel expressed.
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Why? Because when I do that, I feel like I've been of service.
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Why do I want to be of service? Because it feels like I'm able to give love that way.
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Why do I want to give love that way? Because I want to feel love.
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When you start getting closer to like the actual source, it starts, I feel like you start to get emotional.
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Like I'm starting to get emotional.
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Feel uncomfortable or sad or joyous, or I don't know.
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I'm just starting to feel emotional.
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Um, and now I'm back where I I've discovered before of.
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My worth, my self worth, my feeling, like, I feel the best when I feel like I'm in deep service to others.
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The most loving, greatest thing I feel that I can do for a person is to give them photographs.
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And selfishly, that makes me feel good.
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Really good to be able to do that for someone.
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So how can I feel really good without needing to do something for someone? I'm not saying it's bad to do something for someone, but I'm saying that can't be the only channel.
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How can I feel good and worthy of.
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Whatever worthy period, just me being in my life and not doing something.
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Another, something that that came up, obviously before I had this little self audio journal coaching session is, um, I'm listening to this book, uh, Deepak Chopra book called, uh, total meditation.
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And I'm not too, too far in yet, but from what I grasp of it, He's talking about The state of not thinking it's, you can't, you know, think your way into meditation and a meditation practice is all well and good, but there's, it's, it's.
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It's bigger than that, and there's only so far that that can take you.
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And I started thinking about it today when I was laying on the, on the sand, um, by the golden gate bridge.
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And I just kept thinking to myself, Oh, perhaps I should put on a meditation and meditate.
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And I'm like, okay, but I am like, I don't need to put on a meditation to meditate.
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Like just be here, just be here.
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It's like when I realized presence.
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You felt like you couldn't be present enough because you were putting this really weird expectation on what it is to be present.
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And I think the most important part of the whole thing is to like, let go, let go, let go, let go, let go, let go, let go.
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But we're white knuckling our ways through life in so many ways.
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What does it feel like to just let go, put it all down, let go, take it off your chest, take it off your back, take it off your heart, take it off your brain, let go.
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How can we tolerate being in our life and not needing to be anything or do anything? I find it really strange that I, well, I guess it's not that strange that I didn't.
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It's, this has now been my third day of spaciousness that didn't go as planned.
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And now I have to, now I start my work week and, um, obviously I'm with myself all day.
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I'm in my brain, but I didn't arrive to this clarity until I sat down and I started talking out loud to you.
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I remember, uh, a couple of years ago, I went to Sedona on a girl's trip and I was on this, like, I don't know.
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Yoga retreat session and I was lying on the floor of the stranger's beautiful strangers.
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She was leading the retreat.
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She was amazing, um, her living room and it was supposed to be out on the red rocks, but the weather was not working to our advantage that day and, um, Or maybe it was, and we were supposed to be in our living room.
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Um, and I sat there and she was guiding something and I had this like huge breakthrough and I just thought to myself, did I need to get on a plane and come to Sedona, Arizona and lie on the floor of this person's house to just open myself up to this thought or this realization, it's actually quite scary how much of our lives can go by.
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And with us glazing over some very important, decisions or ways of being or habits.
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And that's okay.
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Like we're always doing the best we can with what we have in every single moment.
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And the, the point of, you know, living consciously is not to live perfectly.
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It's not to, Oh, Oh my gosh, what am I, Oh, what am I not thinking about? Although sometimes I can feel like that, like, Oh my gosh, what am I missing? What huge blind spot do I have right now? Um, and that can feel maddening when.
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I think that the point of this is handling ourselves with the gentleness that we would a dear friend, not even a dear friend, we handle just like anyone gently, like in a loving way, right? Um, handle yourself as you would someone else coming to you earnestly, um, in a tough time or with a realization of something, you know, I could sit here and be like, what the F after all of this time and all of this money and all of this work, how do I still find myself in another version of the same predicament? And it's like, well.
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Isn't that how it's designed, like life, we forget, and then we remember, and we forget, and then we remember, and we go up, what do they call it? Like the spiral, we're always re encountering what we're meant to encounter, but in different ways.
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So we're deepening our experience.
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We're deepening our wisdom and knowing really doesn't serve Me to get frustrated with myself, although it inherently is frustrating, but it doesn't have to come with like a lashing, you know, I could sit here and be like, Oh my gosh, I spent three days putzing around, waffling around, not being able to be with myself because I was so hung up on wanting to get something done, or I can think, yeah, it took three days of that feeling this time.
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To bring myself back to center and to realize, Oh, this is still here.
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And that's okay.
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Maybe I was meant to experience that and then realize it and then share it here.
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Maybe you need to hear it.
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I don't know.
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I don't know, I'm going to do something miraculous and not be mad at myself.
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So I'm going to end this episode by claiming that I do not need to do anything, do any particular thing in order to be deserving of space and rest.
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Yes, it's great.
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Wonderful that those things feel so good to me, and also developing tolerance and capacity for the absence of them is really important.
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Honestly, really important, especially in my motherhood as well.
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Like it's important for me to experience this when I have all the space in the world and no one to blame, right? And so this experience will sit inside of me and come back to me when I'm feeling pent up, when I just want to get something done, when I'm with my kids and I can remember, oh, okay, yes, I want to do that.
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And yes, I can't wait to do that.
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And that's going to feel really good and exciting.
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And I really want to get it done.
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And also I could just be here right now.
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And that can be enough.
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If this type of inquiry is, um, intriguing to you and it feels really good.
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this is some of the work, uh, that I do one on one with clients.
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we utilize some specific neurolinguistic programming processes.
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and that's all about going into the subconscious, figuring out what is running the show.
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Like for me.
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My underlying belief that I am worthy and valuable when I'm of service to others in a very specific way.
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So when you discover that.
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What's underneath of all of the symptoms of what's going on, you can look at it and make a more intentional, uh, resourceful choice, decision, acknowledgment, so that when you put it back, you can live from that place.
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And then when you.
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It doesn't have the weight, the heat, the sting that it used to, it's just like that old, Oh yeah, I remember you.
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Okay.
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It becomes something that you can navigate with more ease.
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Anywho.
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so if that's of interest to you, feel free to DM me on Instagram and we could chat about what that might look like or, um, just click the link in the show notes and learn more there.
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Okay.
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Well, I am.
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Off to get ready for bed for my week.
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And then, um, I will come back to you next week after, Ooh, I'm, I'm going to Nashville for, the podcasting moms conference, and I'm going to be Photographing and speaking, uh, with, with podcasters that are also mamas from all around.
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I'm so excited for it.
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And I cannot wait to, chat about what that experience was like until next time.
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I hope that between now and then.
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Now, the next time you tune into the podcast, that there's a moment that comes up where you have that feeling of like, Oh, I have, I have a second.
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Like, what can I do? What should I do? Should I do the dishwasher? Should I do this work? Should I follow that? And I hope that you take a deep, deep breath and also give yourself the option to just sit down.
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Maybe go for a walk, just do whatever your version of juicy nothingness, and just know that that is just as valid and just as worthy and just as important as anything you could be doing for anyone else.
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And if you need an excuse to blame that on, how about think about if you have a kid or your best friend, what you might want for them.
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I know sometimes it's hard to apply that same.
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Unconditional love to ourselves.
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Okay.
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That is it for now.
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Thank you for joining me, uh, on the floor of my friend's closet.
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Cause the city is really loud, so I can't just sit out in the main room.
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I will talk to you next time.
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I love you much.
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what happens when you finally get the thing that you've been So desperately feeling like you're in need of and it doesn't feel like how you thought it would feel Till as old as time What the fuck oh my gosh, Help Me See is a podcast dedicated to the art of seeing.
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It's a space for the restless visionary with an insatiable desire to create the life and work you're meant for.
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My name is Bianca Lea Mora, and I'm a photographic artist, a mother, and a coach who's transformed my fear of loss into power, art, and philosophy.
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One of the scariest quotes I never want to say is, I wish I knew at the time, but I truly believe that we have the innate ability to bring our wise 2020 hindsight to our now.
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You can deeply experience your nostalgia now, while it's actually happening, with no regrets.
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All you have to do is see.
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In this show, we laugh, we cry, we get inspired, we overshare, we have life changing conversations around making meaning, self discovery, and shedding all the BS layers in order to reconnect to our own sacred vision.
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Seeing yourself is an essential key to living powerfully.
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You are the vessel, the lens that filters absolutely everything in your life.
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What are you filtering for? Whether it be conversations with fellow artists and visionaries, or my solo audio journal style introspective ramblings, each episode is meant to feel like an exhale, an unraveling of truth, a moment for you to be able to put your finger on something that you haven't been able to for far too long.
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Come exactly as you are.
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It's perfect.
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Honor your instincts.
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Let's uncover some of the most important things in our lives which all too often can slip out from our view.
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Let's commit to seeing and consciously creating what only you can in your one and only life.
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Let's dive in.
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hello, and welcome to another episode of help me see I'm coming to you.
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With the conundrum of what happens when you finally get the thing that you've been So desperately feeling like you're in need of and it doesn't feel like how you thought it would feel Till as old as time What the fuck oh my gosh, um, i'm in san francisco on work and uh I had, uh, a spacious weekend where there wasn't a shoot there.
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So I was like, Oh my goodness, how much am I going to get done? And then my hard drive failed, which has never happened to me before.
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And I have to wait until I get back home to take it to, uh, get, get the data recovered and the whole thing.
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It sucks because I have so much work that I wanted to work on.
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So many photos to edit and it's like, okay, it's okay.
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There's so much else that I could be working on.
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There's so much else that I could do.
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So trying to maintain my Zen, trying to say, okay, universe, this must be for a reason.
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All right.
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I will simply work on.
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Some of the laundry list of things that I grow, have grown accustomed to saying, if I only had the time and space I would X, Y, Z.
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Well, here I am with the time and most certainly the space because I'm on the other side of the country from, um, all of my other responsibilities and family and life and, and I've become painfully aware of how much of an intolerance I have for space.
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Ironically, I just want space.
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I just want space like, do yeah, maybe perhaps some of the work that I'm so desperate to get to has been being used as a numbing agent for other areas in my life, this conversation of what happens when you get what you want, what happens when you finally.
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Get what you've been longing for or putting on a pedestal.
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It feels like nine times out of 10, it's this deflating feeling, this empty feeling of like, Oh, the thing that you're saying you want is usually not.
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It's like, whatever is a couple layers below the underbelly of that.
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I want to feel spacious.
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I want to feel freedom and, a nervous system that feels calm and, you know, blah, blah, blah.
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I don't actually want space because what do I do when I get the space? I start feeling anxious about what's What I want to do and making the most of the space and what should I get done? And oh my gosh, I can't focus and, uh, I don't want to, I can't work on the work that I actually want to work on because now my hard drive is broken and oh my gosh.
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I'm just like sick of myself.
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Oh my goodness.
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I have, I've walked around for days.
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I've done a shit ton of walking and I've found myself just like putting on a podcast episode and then taking it off, putting on an audio book and then taking it off, putting on music, really enjoying that.
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But then taking it off.
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I think my brain needs a break.
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Can you relate to this? Can you, like what happens when you're go to.
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Activity or, um, you know, your work or your creativity, or, you know, the things that you usually go to that feel good, aren't feeling good.
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What happens then? Asking for a friend.
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What happens then? It definitely feels like there's a reason for the discomfort, but it really hits that trigger button.
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That is underneath most of what my life revolves around.
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And that's making the most of my time, making the most of my life.
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And what does that mean? What does making the most of my time mean to me? What does making the most of your time mean to you and how can we honor What feels good to us while remaining open and curious.
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About what might be even better, better than we could ever imagine, better than we expect, better than what we've experienced before.
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I think that feels really tricky.
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I think holding your convictions loosely.
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It feels counterintuitive, like so much of what I believe in and what I teach and what I live is around tapping into your instincts, your innate wisdom, your impulses, and honoring you.
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What feels true to you, but the caveat there is so much of what we're responding to and, you know, consciously thinking about is only drawing from our own experiences and it doesn't account for all of the possibilities that are actually available to us.
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So remaining open and holding it loosely is an essential part of living life and experiencing life.
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So what does it mean to be so emotionally attached to a concept, an idea, a goal, a vision, and yet remain open to responding to what is.
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To be present, to be present.
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Life that's actually happening and not only the type of life that you've planned or expected or anticipated in any way.
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And like everything else, I can relate this back to a photo session.
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If you're walking into someone's home.
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Looking to fit them into a template of what you've seen before and what was really precious and sentimental and powerful in another session, it's not going to work.
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And even if it does work, you're doing a incredible disservice to the client for the truth of who they really are.
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And to yourself in, in honoring your abilities and honoring yourself and trusting that.
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You will be able to respond to whatever is new and different, uh, about these people, because you trust yourself and your ability to see and create in that way.
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The question then becomes, is it a question of, maybe it's not, it's not that I don't trust myself.
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in space or with space without something to do.
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It's maybe it's around, do I feel worthy of space? Do I feel like.
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Oh no.
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Oh, plot twist.
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This NLP ing myself, coaching myself mid episode.
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Hold on.
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Maybe this is about only feeling worthy or only feeling okay or good about myself when I'm producing something.
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You know, maybe it's less about wasting time and wanting to create and not being able to, because that's like that romantic tortured artist narrative, isn't it? Maybe it's more about who am I, if I'm not.
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Making something and what I'm making is for other people.
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Right.
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So, and I get to deliver that and I get to, you know, see them and feel them love their photos and be so excited and be, you know, so grateful that those pictures are captured.
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And I get to, you know, do that and feel that and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
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But what if I'm just a person that's going for a walk on a beautiful day in a city that I love and I didn't do anything.
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I didn't make anything for someone.
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Why does that feel so hard? Why do I feel like I want to cry? Why does that make me feel so uncomfortable? Do you relate to this? Now I think about when I'm at home and I desperately need a break and from, you know, just if I'm, you know, with the kids for a really long time and my partner done working, I want to go upstairs and have a moment of space and silence, but again, I really always have this inclination to do something, get something done, create something like, what if, what if you had like a bajillion dollars and everything you ever needed and desired and everyone was happy and healthy and safe, what then? Now, how can we bring our deepest desires, our, Aspirations, our dreams into now, I feel in a multitude of ways, but I guess specifically you can either pretend that you have everything you want now, and then think if that was so, What then what happens then, and just put yourself in that, or let's go ahead and do the deeper work, the bonus gold star work and say, think about what you want, what you're desiring, what you're craving.
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And when you look at that on the page, force yourself to go five levels deeper.
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Like that's some of the work that, um, I do with my coaching clients.
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If you're, if you're interested in, uh, uh, coaching session, sacred vision session, uh, head to the show notes and you can reach out and DM and ask questions.
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I'm happy to talk to you about it.
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Um, But let's just do it here right now.
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Look at what you say you want, feel like you want, look five levels deeper.
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Why, why, why, why, why, but why, but why, but why, until you can't anymore.
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And oftentimes you will reach a state, a state of being, uh, uh, a feeling.
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Um, and then think about how you do.
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Already have it.
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Where can you see that in your life right now? Where can you access that now? How can you access that now? So that eliminates the, the striving and the, you know, grass is greener looking out, and then when you get there.
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What happens, how do you move in your life? Like, how does that change the energy of what you're creating, what you're doing? How does that change the urgency? How does that change how you feel in your skin? It, I, I sound like a broken record.
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I'm sure, but that it is why I compare everything, anything I'm struggling with in life, I always compare to my craft.
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And I'm not saying like, Oh, because I'm perfect at my craft.
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I'm saying because my.
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I'm so calibrated and integrated with that process and with that committed and dedicated and in a flow with it, that it just feels so second nature instinctual to relate everything to that.
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I think.
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When I'm photographing someone or something, I'm not trying to be a great photographer.
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I'm not trying to make powerful work.
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Of course I want to make powerful work, but when I'm in the act of doing it, there isn't room for a striving or a desire for achievement.
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It's just.
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The most pure flow.
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It's the most open I'm, I'm open.
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I'm seeing, I'm not seeing, Oh, this is the shot with the mom and the baby.
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And now I need to get the mom and the, the husband, but I'm seeing, look at what's happening here between their faces.
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And I'm seeing the baby when she is an adult looking at that picture and understanding Relationship with her mom in a different way.
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And, you know, it's just like you have this crazy x ray vision that is so much like back and forth, it's so broad and high level, but it's also so specific.
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You could see a hair being lit up by the sun.
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That's hitting it just incredible when you're in that level of flow.
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And when you're in that level of connection.
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And the narrative is just so elevated up and out of whatever weeds, whatever clouds, it's like you're in a plane and you go above the clouds and everything feels clear.
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Okay.
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So I'll do it on me.
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I'll guinea pig.
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So okay.
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If what, okay, let's say not a big goal, but what do I want? What, what did I want for this weekend for this time and space I had? That wasn't me working on set, you know, for this gig, but in the time and space that I wanted, I wanted to create, uh, wanted to finish something.
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Okay.
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Let's say that I wanted to finish, uh, a gallery.
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Why did I want to finish the gallery? Uh, I wanted something off my plate so I can move on to the next gallery.
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Uh, I also wanted to.
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To be in the creation of that and feel that flow.
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And I also wanted to get those photos to the client because I'm so excited to get them to the client, even though there's no time pressure, because I have plenty of time, um, to do that.
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Okay.
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Why do I want to get them to the client? Why do I want to be in flow? Because I want to feel good.
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I want to feel productive.
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I want to feel expressed.
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Why? Because when I do that, I feel like I've been of service.
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Why do I want to be of service? Because it feels like I'm able to give love that way.
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Why do I want to give love that way? Because I want to feel love.
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When you start getting closer to like the actual source, it starts, I feel like you start to get emotional.
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Like I'm starting to get emotional.
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Feel uncomfortable or sad or joyous, or I don't know.
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I'm just starting to feel emotional.
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Um, and now I'm back where I I've discovered before of.
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My worth, my self worth, my feeling, like, I feel the best when I feel like I'm in deep service to others.
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The most loving, greatest thing I feel that I can do for a person is to give them photographs.
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And selfishly, that makes me feel good.
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Really good to be able to do that for someone.
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So how can I feel really good without needing to do something for someone? I'm not saying it's bad to do something for someone, but I'm saying that can't be the only channel.
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How can I feel good and worthy of.
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Whatever worthy period, just me being in my life and not doing something.
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Another, something that that came up, obviously before I had this little self audio journal coaching session is, um, I'm listening to this book, uh, Deepak Chopra book called, uh, total meditation.
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And I'm not too, too far in yet, but from what I grasp of it, He's talking about The state of not thinking it's, you can't, you know, think your way into meditation and a meditation practice is all well and good, but there's, it's, it's.
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It's bigger than that, and there's only so far that that can take you.
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And I started thinking about it today when I was laying on the, on the sand, um, by the golden gate bridge.
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And I just kept thinking to myself, Oh, perhaps I should put on a meditation and meditate.
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And I'm like, okay, but I am like, I don't need to put on a meditation to meditate.
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Like just be here, just be here.
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It's like when I realized presence.
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You felt like you couldn't be present enough because you were putting this really weird expectation on what it is to be present.
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And I think the most important part of the whole thing is to like, let go, let go, let go, let go, let go, let go, let go.
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But we're white knuckling our ways through life in so many ways.
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What does it feel like to just let go, put it all down, let go, take it off your chest, take it off your back, take it off your heart, take it off your brain, let go.
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How can we tolerate being in our life and not needing to be anything or do anything? I find it really strange that I, well, I guess it's not that strange that I didn't.
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It's, this has now been my third day of spaciousness that didn't go as planned.
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And now I have to, now I start my work week and, um, obviously I'm with myself all day.
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I'm in my brain, but I didn't arrive to this clarity until I sat down and I started talking out loud to you.
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I remember, uh, a couple of years ago, I went to Sedona on a girl's trip and I was on this, like, I don't know.
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Yoga retreat session and I was lying on the floor of the stranger's beautiful strangers.
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She was leading the retreat.
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She was amazing, um, her living room and it was supposed to be out on the red rocks, but the weather was not working to our advantage that day and, um, Or maybe it was, and we were supposed to be in our living room.
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Um, and I sat there and she was guiding something and I had this like huge breakthrough and I just thought to myself, did I need to get on a plane and come to Sedona, Arizona and lie on the floor of this person's house to just open myself up to this thought or this realization, it's actually quite scary how much of our lives can go by.
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And with us glazing over some very important, decisions or ways of being or habits.
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And that's okay.
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Like we're always doing the best we can with what we have in every single moment.
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And the, the point of, you know, living consciously is not to live perfectly.
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It's not to, Oh, Oh my gosh, what am I, Oh, what am I not thinking about? Although sometimes I can feel like that, like, Oh my gosh, what am I missing? What huge blind spot do I have right now? Um, and that can feel maddening when.
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I think that the point of this is handling ourselves with the gentleness that we would a dear friend, not even a dear friend, we handle just like anyone gently, like in a loving way, right? Um, handle yourself as you would someone else coming to you earnestly, um, in a tough time or with a realization of something, you know, I could sit here and be like, what the F after all of this time and all of this money and all of this work, how do I still find myself in another version of the same predicament? And it's like, well.
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Isn't that how it's designed, like life, we forget, and then we remember, and we forget, and then we remember, and we go up, what do they call it? Like the spiral, we're always re encountering what we're meant to encounter, but in different ways.
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So we're deepening our experience.
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We're deepening our wisdom and knowing really doesn't serve Me to get frustrated with myself, although it inherently is frustrating, but it doesn't have to come with like a lashing, you know, I could sit here and be like, Oh my gosh, I spent three days putzing around, waffling around, not being able to be with myself because I was so hung up on wanting to get something done, or I can think, yeah, it took three days of that feeling this time.
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To bring myself back to center and to realize, Oh, this is still here.
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And that's okay.
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Maybe I was meant to experience that and then realize it and then share it here.
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Maybe you need to hear it.
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I don't know.
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I don't know, I'm going to do something miraculous and not be mad at myself.
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So I'm going to end this episode by claiming that I do not need to do anything, do any particular thing in order to be deserving of space and rest.
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Yes, it's great.
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Wonderful that those things feel so good to me, and also developing tolerance and capacity for the absence of them is really important.
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Honestly, really important, especially in my motherhood as well.
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Like it's important for me to experience this when I have all the space in the world and no one to blame, right? And so this experience will sit inside of me and come back to me when I'm feeling pent up, when I just want to get something done, when I'm with my kids and I can remember, oh, okay, yes, I want to do that.
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And yes, I can't wait to do that.
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And that's going to feel really good and exciting.
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And I really want to get it done.
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And also I could just be here right now.
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And that can be enough.
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If this type of inquiry is, um, intriguing to you and it feels really good.
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this is some of the work, uh, that I do one on one with clients.
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we utilize some specific neurolinguistic programming processes.
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and that's all about going into the subconscious, figuring out what is running the show.
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Like for me.
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My underlying belief that I am worthy and valuable when I'm of service to others in a very specific way.
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So when you discover that.
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What's underneath of all of the symptoms of what's going on, you can look at it and make a more intentional, uh, resourceful choice, decision, acknowledgment, so that when you put it back, you can live from that place.
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And then when you.
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It doesn't have the weight, the heat, the sting that it used to, it's just like that old, Oh yeah, I remember you.
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Okay.
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It becomes something that you can navigate with more ease.
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Anywho.
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so if that's of interest to you, feel free to DM me on Instagram and we could chat about what that might look like or, um, just click the link in the show notes and learn more there.
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Okay.
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Well, I am.
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Off to get ready for bed for my week.
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And then, um, I will come back to you next week after, Ooh, I'm, I'm going to Nashville for, the podcasting moms conference, and I'm going to be Photographing and speaking, uh, with, with podcasters that are also mamas from all around.
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I'm so excited for it.
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And I cannot wait to, chat about what that experience was like until next time.
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I hope that between now and then.
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Now, the next time you tune into the podcast, that there's a moment that comes up where you have that feeling of like, Oh, I have, I have a second.
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Like, what can I do? What should I do? Should I do the dishwasher? Should I do this work? Should I follow that? And I hope that you take a deep, deep breath and also give yourself the option to just sit down.
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Maybe go for a walk, just do whatever your version of juicy nothingness, and just know that that is just as valid and just as worthy and just as important as anything you could be doing for anyone else.
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And if you need an excuse to blame that on, how about think about if you have a kid or your best friend, what you might want for them.
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I know sometimes it's hard to apply that same.
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Unconditional love to ourselves.
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Okay.
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That is it for now.
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Thank you for joining me, uh, on the floor of my friend's closet.
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Cause the city is really loud, so I can't just sit out in the main room.
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I will talk to you next time.
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I love you much.
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