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Jan. 17, 2025
Unresolved
Just because art can clarify and illuminate and help you feel through things, doesn't mean that those things resolve or feel complete.
The subconscious expectation and unfulfillment of that expectation can do some damage.
If this episode feels incomplete it's because I feel incomplete right now and I'm going to let it be incomplete because as you know, I am working on not demanding everything I create to resolve something inside of me.
(And ironically, maybe that will resolve everything. lol. )
Get this episode as a free substack post. I call them my visual podcasts :) click here.
Transcript
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Hello.
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Hello and welcome.
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to another episode.
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of help me see.
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That's it.
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And exhale.
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2025 has.
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Been absolutely unhinged.
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Um, I've been sick.
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I got really sick and I don't remember if I mentioned this on the last episode, but.
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I had the flu and it was took so long.
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It was horrific.
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And I've had a clogged ear for weeks.
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It's still clogged and ringing.
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Driving me.
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Absolutely fucking insane.
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And, uh, I started a new job.
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A part-time job.
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So I've been.
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Trying to find.
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A new flow and, um, Version of normal.
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But still not fully recovered.
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From the whole house sickness and also still.
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Hearing an incessant ringing inside of my head, which seems actually wildly appropriate.
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I've also been absolutely.
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So distracted and.
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Consumed with the horrifying reality that.
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California is facing right now with the fires in Los Angeles.
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It.
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Ways so heavy on my heart.
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Just unfathomable.
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Damage and.
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I can't even.
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Speak to it.
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And it's also so bizarre.
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Like life is so bizarre.
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As I'm sitting here glued to screens, like watching the devastation and.
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I look out my window and I'm in a place covered with snow, but it's just.
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So.
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Disorienting to be.
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Made.
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Aware in such an intense way of how different.
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Our realities are.
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Going about like a life as normal here feels.
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Like.
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Wrong.
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And inappropriate.
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And.
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Cold.
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Thinking about what's going on in other places.
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And then.
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You know, but also as we know.
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More suffering.
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Doesn't.
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Help suffering.
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You know, I always felt growing up.
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Really.
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Guilty and privately ashamed of.
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Like even as a young girl, like.
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Of how.
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Deeply.
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I felt.
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The pain of something else happening.
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Someone else's.
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Experience.
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I would carry it with me.
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I would hear something on the news about.
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Someone, some family from another state, whatever it was.
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And.
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Feel sick to my stomach for.
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For days.
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And like, there are some stories that I still stick with me.
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I could still remember them and remember how sick I felt and.
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Some details about the new story or whatever it was.
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And now we call that empathy and we.
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Acknowledge it as like this.
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I don't know, like a noble.
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Kind compassionate trait or whatever.
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But.
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Yeah.
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I don't know.
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I don't even know what I'm trying to say.
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I just feel.
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Like somehow.
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Being that affected.
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by the suffering of others.
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And yet not.
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Being able to.
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Help in any meaningful way, feels like selfish and.
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I don't know.
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I guess selfish is what it feels, but it's so funny how.
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I would never think that of someone else.
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I was in a poetry class, the other.
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day and.
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The.
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The facilitator.
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Said something that really resonated with me Her name's Trivarna Hariharan and.
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Her community is.
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Wild flowers as prayers and, um, So I was in class and.
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She had commented on.
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How.
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The poem.
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Or a poem in general, doesn't need to resolve.
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Whatever it is you're addressing, it doesn't need to be resolved.
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And.
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Hit me like a ton of bricks.
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Um, Because immediately, I recognize that.
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I am.
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Not only asking.
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My art.
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Too.
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Heal me.
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I'm expecting my art to resolve.
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So many things inside of me.
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Just because the art.
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Can.
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Clarify and aluminate and.
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Help you feel through.
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things.
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doesn't mean.
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That those things feel resolved.
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Or complete.
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So.
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Right now.
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I am feeling through.
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And working on.
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A new level of unconditional.
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With my art and what that means.
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I'll read a.
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Journal entry for this morning.
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Because it.
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I feel very much in this world.
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Okay.
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I feel guilty for the pictures.
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I don't take.
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I know better than to dismiss.
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It as being lazy or incapable.
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I don't know, it all just feels like too much.
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As if I want to, but I can't.
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And also I can.
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But I don't want to.
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I see photographers photographing their families.
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So exquisitely.
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So often.
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And I feel.
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The paying of a gross mix of guilt and apathy.
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At the core.
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I'm concerned with this and what it means.
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I can't tell whether it's concern.
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From my life.
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Or my work.
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I can't and won't force it.
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And so I sit.
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I want to be compelled.
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Irresistibly drawn, obsessed, nearly possessed.
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By my art.
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But what if that's killing it? What if I was right, all along to feel uncomfortable with my photographer title.
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Because it was never about the photographs.
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There was just no other way.
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There was just no other way.
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so why feel this pull?.
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This responsibility and.
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Demand of yourself to.
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Create.
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Art of your life.
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It's not exactly the creation part, it's.
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More the.
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Not doing it.
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That bothers me not feeling compelled to do it.
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That bothers me.
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And.
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I don't know, part of me feels like.
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Maybe I'm just not inspired right now.
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And it's a winter and I'm tired and the holidays and all of the obvious, like, duh.
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We can't always be in a season of creation.
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And then another part of me.
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It feels like.
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Maybe I'm just really wanting.
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Another way.
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Maybe I'm just really craving.
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To experience.
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Uh, life through a different.
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Modality.
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And the guilt for not wanting and being genuinely inspired to be taking.
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These pictures.
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Is wasted energy and also important information.
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I don't think guilt has to mean.
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The.
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It's like, oh, I know I should be doing it.
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I think guilt is.
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Shining a light on.
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Shame.
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And how do we unshaven? How do we get more curious about.
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Why you feel like you need to do whatever you feel guilty about.
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And making it.
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Okay.
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What happens then when you come from a place of like, Clean.
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Slate when you come from a.
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Place of.
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Neutrality.
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I'll read one more.
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One more piece of writing.
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Sorry, mate.
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This one I made for my ear.
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fucking.
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Ear.
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It's been three weeks since the virus traveled to my left ear and decided to confidently make a home for itself as if answering a prayer.
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a constant ringing a muffled clog.
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Everything too loud and too quiet all at once.
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The most familiar experience.
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It's my metaphorical life, but this time in physical, tangible form.
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I've always desperately wanted to put my finger on the exact point of the sensation.
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And now that I can.
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I plead for it to go away.
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I push and I pull I squeeze and try to blow it away.
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With fear of the searing pain that always threatens to come with getting what I want.
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Each morning, I opened my eyes and for a brief moment, unsure if it's still here.
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Uh, possible freedom from the very thing have always wanted.
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Before the virus I would put in earbuds and listen to brown noise.
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an attempt to quiet my mind in life in order to hear myself.
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7,000 ways to listen to not one of them allowing me to hear whatever it is that I want.
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A taste of my own medicine and I cower like a child finally getting what they want and not being prepared.
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To withstand what it means.
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This virus too small to be seen, but able to multiply within the living cells of a host.
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Maybe it will leave once I kill the part of me that invites it with conditions.
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Maybe if I welcome it unconditionally, it will die of the contentment of having nothing else to prove.
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And with that.
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I finished that.
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I was like, oh, How scary.
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Contentment feels to me.
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I don't know.
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That's another episode.
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I'm not ready to.
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Unpack that, but.
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It is midway through January and.
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I have not.
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Done any sort of.
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New years visioning this, that the other, whatever.
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I'm not there yet.
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That's okay.
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I want to give permission.
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to you.
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If you feel like you need it.
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To let your personal new year start whenever the fuck you want.
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Maybe the prompt for today.
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Can be whatever it is.
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You're struggling with.
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Whatever it is, you're struggling with whatever it is that you were wrestling with.
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Bring it to the forefront.
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of.
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Your mind.
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We're going about to do a magic trick.
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Okay.
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And now.
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Before you start thinking about or feeling into.
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An answer or an impulse or an exploration around.
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Where to move with it.
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what if you insert right before.
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That.
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There's nothing wrong with me.
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There's nothing wrong with me.
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For feeling.
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Other people's experiences deeply.
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There's nothing wrong with me.
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For not.
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Feeling like taking pictures.
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There's nothing wrong with me.
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For any emotion? I feel.
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The jumping off point.
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Is.
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There's nothing innately wrong with me or broken in me.
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And I'm probably going to be able to make quantum leaps.
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Non-linear.
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Quantum leaps.
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Okay.
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If this episode feels incomplete it's because I feel incomplete right now and I'm going to.
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Let it be incomplete because I am working on not demanding everything.
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I create resolve something inside of me.
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And ironically, maybe that will be resolved.
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Um, Once again, I want to end by sending.
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All of my love and heart and light and.
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Just everything inside of me too.
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Everyone's struggling in the fires of California and, um, if you've lost irreplaceable.
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Family, put her AFS.
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Um, I would love to offer.
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To create.
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New ones for you.
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Or.
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We create photographs from.
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Old home videos.
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If you have those.
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I don't know.
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00:19:22,250 --> 00:19:24,410
I don't even know what to offer.
294
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Um, All I know is.
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I would love to.
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Contribute something.
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if that something that you would like.
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Okay.
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I am.
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Going to go peel the kids out of bed, get them dressed and get to work.
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Drive to work.
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Until next time.
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Let's just keep on.
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Moving slowly and gently.
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With ourselves into.
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Maybe I'll start the new year soon.
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I don't know.
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00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:21,200
I'll let you know.
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00:20:24,723.7188209 --> 00:20:27,943.7188209
This has been an Awkward Sage Production.
00:00:02,370 --> 00:00:02,640
Hello.
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Hello and welcome.
3
00:00:03,510 --> 00:00:04,310
to another episode.
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of help me see.
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That's it.
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And exhale.
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2025 has.
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Been absolutely unhinged.
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Um, I've been sick.
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I got really sick and I don't remember if I mentioned this on the last episode, but.
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I had the flu and it was took so long.
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It was horrific.
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And I've had a clogged ear for weeks.
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It's still clogged and ringing.
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Driving me.
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Absolutely fucking insane.
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And, uh, I started a new job.
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A part-time job.
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So I've been.
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Trying to find.
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A new flow and, um, Version of normal.
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But still not fully recovered.
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From the whole house sickness and also still.
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Hearing an incessant ringing inside of my head, which seems actually wildly appropriate.
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I've also been absolutely.
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So distracted and.
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Consumed with the horrifying reality that.
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California is facing right now with the fires in Los Angeles.
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It.
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Ways so heavy on my heart.
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Just unfathomable.
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Damage and.
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I can't even.
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Speak to it.
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And it's also so bizarre.
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Like life is so bizarre.
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As I'm sitting here glued to screens, like watching the devastation and.
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I look out my window and I'm in a place covered with snow, but it's just.
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So.
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Disorienting to be.
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Made.
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Aware in such an intense way of how different.
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Our realities are.
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Going about like a life as normal here feels.
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Like.
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Wrong.
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And inappropriate.
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And.
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Cold.
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Thinking about what's going on in other places.
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And then.
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You know, but also as we know.
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More suffering.
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Doesn't.
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Help suffering.
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You know, I always felt growing up.
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Really.
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Guilty and privately ashamed of.
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Like even as a young girl, like.
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Of how.
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Deeply.
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I felt.
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The pain of something else happening.
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Someone else's.
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Experience.
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I would carry it with me.
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I would hear something on the news about.
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Someone, some family from another state, whatever it was.
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And.
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Feel sick to my stomach for.
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For days.
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And like, there are some stories that I still stick with me.
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I could still remember them and remember how sick I felt and.
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Some details about the new story or whatever it was.
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And now we call that empathy and we.
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Acknowledge it as like this.
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I don't know, like a noble.
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Kind compassionate trait or whatever.
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But.
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Yeah.
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I don't know.
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I don't even know what I'm trying to say.
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I just feel.
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Like somehow.
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Being that affected.
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by the suffering of others.
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And yet not.
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Being able to.
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Help in any meaningful way, feels like selfish and.
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I don't know.
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I guess selfish is what it feels, but it's so funny how.
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I would never think that of someone else.
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I was in a poetry class, the other.
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day and.
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The.
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The facilitator.
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Said something that really resonated with me Her name's Trivarna Hariharan and.
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Her community is.
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Wild flowers as prayers and, um, So I was in class and.
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She had commented on.
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How.
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The poem.
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Or a poem in general, doesn't need to resolve.
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Whatever it is you're addressing, it doesn't need to be resolved.
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And.
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Hit me like a ton of bricks.
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Um, Because immediately, I recognize that.
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I am.
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Not only asking.
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My art.
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Too.
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Heal me.
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I'm expecting my art to resolve.
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So many things inside of me.
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Just because the art.
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Can.
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Clarify and aluminate and.
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Help you feel through.
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things.
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doesn't mean.
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That those things feel resolved.
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Or complete.
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So.
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Right now.
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I am feeling through.
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And working on.
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A new level of unconditional.
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With my art and what that means.
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I'll read a.
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Journal entry for this morning.
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Because it.
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I feel very much in this world.
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Okay.
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I feel guilty for the pictures.
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I don't take.
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I know better than to dismiss.
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It as being lazy or incapable.
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I don't know, it all just feels like too much.
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As if I want to, but I can't.
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And also I can.
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But I don't want to.
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I see photographers photographing their families.
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So exquisitely.
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So often.
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And I feel.
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The paying of a gross mix of guilt and apathy.
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At the core.
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I'm concerned with this and what it means.
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I can't tell whether it's concern.
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From my life.
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Or my work.
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I can't and won't force it.
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And so I sit.
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I want to be compelled.
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Irresistibly drawn, obsessed, nearly possessed.
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By my art.
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But what if that's killing it? What if I was right, all along to feel uncomfortable with my photographer title.
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Because it was never about the photographs.
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There was just no other way.
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There was just no other way.
161
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so why feel this pull?.
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This responsibility and.
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Demand of yourself to.
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Create.
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Art of your life.
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It's not exactly the creation part, it's.
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More the.
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Not doing it.
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That bothers me not feeling compelled to do it.
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That bothers me.
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And.
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I don't know, part of me feels like.
173
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Maybe I'm just not inspired right now.
174
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And it's a winter and I'm tired and the holidays and all of the obvious, like, duh.
175
00:10:12,610 --> 00:10:15,280
We can't always be in a season of creation.
176
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And then another part of me.
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It feels like.
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Maybe I'm just really wanting.
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Another way.
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Maybe I'm just really craving.
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To experience.
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Uh, life through a different.
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Modality.
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And the guilt for not wanting and being genuinely inspired to be taking.
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These pictures.
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Is wasted energy and also important information.
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I don't think guilt has to mean.
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The.
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It's like, oh, I know I should be doing it.
190
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I think guilt is.
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Shining a light on.
192
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Shame.
193
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:45,020
And how do we unshaven? How do we get more curious about.
194
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Why you feel like you need to do whatever you feel guilty about.
195
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And making it.
196
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Okay.
197
00:12:06,680 --> 00:12:11,660
What happens then when you come from a place of like, Clean.
198
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Slate when you come from a.
199
00:12:14,390 --> 00:12:15,140
Place of.
200
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Neutrality.
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00:12:24,870 --> 00:12:25,920
I'll read one more.
202
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:29,070
One more piece of writing.
203
00:12:29,610 --> 00:12:31,830
Sorry, mate.
204
00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:34,470
This one I made for my ear.
205
00:12:35,490 --> 00:12:36,390
fucking.
206
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:37,620
Ear.
207
00:12:41,790 --> 00:12:49,890
It's been three weeks since the virus traveled to my left ear and decided to confidently make a home for itself as if answering a prayer.
208
00:12:51,380 --> 00:12:54,450
a constant ringing a muffled clog.
209
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:58,080
Everything too loud and too quiet all at once.
210
00:12:59,610 --> 00:13:01,980
The most familiar experience.
211
00:13:03,570 --> 00:13:08,370
It's my metaphorical life, but this time in physical, tangible form.
212
00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:15,400
I've always desperately wanted to put my finger on the exact point of the sensation.
213
00:13:15,910 --> 00:13:17,080
And now that I can.
214
00:13:17,860 --> 00:13:19,480
I plead for it to go away.
215
00:13:21,100 --> 00:13:24,700
I push and I pull I squeeze and try to blow it away.
216
00:13:25,210 --> 00:13:29,800
With fear of the searing pain that always threatens to come with getting what I want.
217
00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:36,970
Each morning, I opened my eyes and for a brief moment, unsure if it's still here.
218
00:13:38,770 --> 00:13:41,620
Uh, possible freedom from the very thing have always wanted.
219
00:13:44,470 --> 00:13:47,890
Before the virus I would put in earbuds and listen to brown noise.
220
00:13:49,220 --> 00:13:53,390
an attempt to quiet my mind in life in order to hear myself.
221
00:13:55,310 --> 00:14:00,380
7,000 ways to listen to not one of them allowing me to hear whatever it is that I want.
222
00:14:03,230 --> 00:14:08,690
A taste of my own medicine and I cower like a child finally getting what they want and not being prepared.
223
00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:11,270
To withstand what it means.
224
00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:19,140
This virus too small to be seen, but able to multiply within the living cells of a host.
225
00:14:20,610 --> 00:14:24,570
Maybe it will leave once I kill the part of me that invites it with conditions.
226
00:14:25,980 --> 00:14:31,740
Maybe if I welcome it unconditionally, it will die of the contentment of having nothing else to prove.
227
00:14:36,030 --> 00:14:38,250
And with that.
228
00:14:40,660 --> 00:14:41,500
I finished that.
229
00:14:41,710 --> 00:14:51,600
I was like, oh, How scary.
230
00:14:52,620 --> 00:14:54,870
Contentment feels to me.
231
00:14:57,990 --> 00:14:58,410
I don't know.
232
00:14:59,220 --> 00:15:00,300
That's another episode.
233
00:15:00,420 --> 00:15:01,140
I'm not ready to.
234
00:15:01,890 --> 00:15:02,970
Unpack that, but.
235
00:15:06,670 --> 00:15:09,460
It is midway through January and.
236
00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:13,120
I have not.
237
00:15:13,870 --> 00:15:15,160
Done any sort of.
238
00:15:16,300 --> 00:15:20,980
New years visioning this, that the other, whatever.
239
00:15:24,700 --> 00:15:25,720
I'm not there yet.
240
00:15:28,210 --> 00:15:29,080
That's okay.
241
00:15:33,250 --> 00:15:34,630
I want to give permission.
242
00:15:34,630 --> 00:15:35,350
to you.
243
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:38,530
If you feel like you need it.
244
00:15:42,370 --> 00:15:46,210
To let your personal new year start whenever the fuck you want.
245
00:15:49,970 --> 00:15:52,220
Maybe the prompt for today.
246
00:15:52,220 --> 00:15:54,350
Can be whatever it is.
247
00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:57,620
You're struggling with.
248
00:16:01,010 --> 00:16:06,170
Whatever it is, you're struggling with whatever it is that you were wrestling with.
249
00:16:08,180 --> 00:16:09,680
Bring it to the forefront.
250
00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:09,740
of.
251
00:16:11,030 --> 00:16:11,720
Your mind.
252
00:16:11,900 --> 00:16:13,520
We're going about to do a magic trick.
253
00:16:13,580 --> 00:16:14,000
Okay.
254
00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:19,940
And now.
255
00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:25,640
Before you start thinking about or feeling into.
256
00:16:27,830 --> 00:16:33,050
An answer or an impulse or an exploration around.
257
00:16:34,350 --> 00:16:35,310
Where to move with it.
258
00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:40,410
what if you insert right before.
259
00:16:41,010 --> 00:16:41,550
That.
260
00:16:42,810 --> 00:16:44,430
There's nothing wrong with me.
261
00:16:50,010 --> 00:16:51,720
There's nothing wrong with me.
262
00:16:56,790 --> 00:16:57,840
For feeling.
263
00:17:00,630 --> 00:17:03,030
Other people's experiences deeply.
264
00:17:03,810 --> 00:17:05,340
There's nothing wrong with me.
265
00:17:09,150 --> 00:17:10,230
For not.
266
00:17:11,340 --> 00:17:13,710
Feeling like taking pictures.
267
00:17:16,140 --> 00:17:17,700
There's nothing wrong with me.
268
00:17:26,430 --> 00:17:28,200
For any emotion? I feel.
269
00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:34,190
The jumping off point.
270
00:17:36,110 --> 00:17:36,500
Is.
271
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:42,170
There's nothing innately wrong with me or broken in me.
272
00:17:47,270 --> 00:17:50,060
And I'm probably going to be able to make quantum leaps.
273
00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:54,080
Non-linear.
274
00:17:54,950 --> 00:17:56,960
Quantum leaps.
275
00:18:07,190 --> 00:18:07,610
Okay.
276
00:18:10,370 --> 00:18:16,010
If this episode feels incomplete it's because I feel incomplete right now and I'm going to.
277
00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:22,100
Let it be incomplete because I am working on not demanding everything.
278
00:18:22,100 --> 00:18:25,370
I create resolve something inside of me.
279
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:28,970
And ironically, maybe that will be resolved.
280
00:18:30,830 --> 00:18:34,910
Um, Once again, I want to end by sending.
281
00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:40,580
All of my love and heart and light and.
282
00:18:42,350 --> 00:18:45,200
Just everything inside of me too.
283
00:18:47,450 --> 00:18:57,080
Everyone's struggling in the fires of California and, um, if you've lost irreplaceable.
284
00:18:57,650 --> 00:18:59,090
Family, put her AFS.
285
00:19:02,630 --> 00:19:08,480
Um, I would love to offer.
286
00:19:10,910 --> 00:19:11,990
To create.
287
00:19:11,990 --> 00:19:13,340
New ones for you.
288
00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:14,330
Or.
289
00:19:14,330 --> 00:19:16,670
We create photographs from.
290
00:19:17,810 --> 00:19:19,070
Old home videos.
291
00:19:19,340 --> 00:19:20,390
If you have those.
292
00:19:21,530 --> 00:19:22,130
I don't know.
293
00:19:22,250 --> 00:19:24,410
I don't even know what to offer.
294
00:19:24,620 --> 00:19:26,930
Um, All I know is.
295
00:19:29,750 --> 00:19:30,830
I would love to.
296
00:19:30,830 --> 00:19:32,120
Contribute something.
297
00:19:37,380 --> 00:19:39,200
if that something that you would like.
298
00:19:42,290 --> 00:19:42,680
Okay.
299
00:19:44,090 --> 00:19:45,200
I am.
300
00:19:45,530 --> 00:19:49,280
Going to go peel the kids out of bed, get them dressed and get to work.
301
00:19:50,510 --> 00:19:51,380
Drive to work.
302
00:19:59,630 --> 00:20:00,710
Until next time.
303
00:20:07,190 --> 00:20:08,570
Let's just keep on.
304
00:20:10,430 --> 00:20:12,620
Moving slowly and gently.
305
00:20:13,430 --> 00:20:15,230
With ourselves into.
306
00:20:18,350 --> 00:20:19,910
Maybe I'll start the new year soon.
307
00:20:20,210 --> 00:20:20,570
I don't know.
308
00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:21,200
I'll let you know.
309
00:20:24,723.7188209 --> 00:20:27,943.7188209
This has been an Awkward Sage Production.
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