Feb. 26, 2025
Unconditional love & acceptance of what is…unless what is, is me.
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When I can’t be with myself or what is, I turn to repetition.
Why do I listen to the same song over and over and over and over again?
Is it because they are saying something I wish I could?
Is it because it makes me feel something I can’t muster up for myself?
Is it because I’m looking for permission to feel something I haven’t even let myself acknowledge?
Why do I watch the same shows over and over and over again?
Is it because I want to feel comforted and familiar without having to actually participate?
Is it because I feel braced for what I know occurs and I don’t have to feel it fresh and hard?
Is it because I won’t allow space for something I don’t already know?
Why do I prefer to read or write about things instead of doing the thing itself?
If I read about writing instead of actually writing, I can feel like I’m in that world without actually having to be in the work of it.
If I read about others thoughts on philosophy and life, I can breathe the sigh of relief that I’m not as alien as I thought and lessen the compulsion to have to articulate myself.
As cozy as it is, this repetitive overconsumption of repetition leads to repetitive undercreation.
The temporary relief sedates us.
It paralyzes our ability to actively engage/create/and experience life from our unique version of creative life force.
It becomes an autopilot choice to be a passive bystander rather than an active participant. Why am I the only exception to my deepest belief?
An unconditional love and acceptance of what is…unless what is, is me.
This episode is an invitation to renovate the well grooved neuropathways of our mind to a home that feels good instead of just familiar.
Get a free visual version of this podcast delivered to your inbox via subscribing to my substack :)
Transcript
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Hello.
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Hello and welcome to another episode of help me see.
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2025.
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has not let up.
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It's February 25th.
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And.
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Yeah.
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My year just gives getting crazier and crazier.
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How about you? Trying to catch your breath lately.
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I have had.
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Illness and ENT appointments and hearing loss appointments from a virus that traveled to my ear and decided to.
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Stay forever.
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And.
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Um, I've had a brain MRIs.
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To further investigate said hearing loss and.
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Oh, my goodness.
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Just so much stuff.
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Just so much stuff.
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And, you know, I keep waiting to catch my breath.
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And be able to get back to creation mode.
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My favorite place to be.
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And.
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In that waiting to catch my breath and also just complete lack of.
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Physical and emotional energy.
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There is.
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This default mode that I can slip into.
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And that is what I wrote about today.
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If you want to read the whole thing.
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I wrote this.
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Episode.
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I'm still trying to figure out like the flow of that.
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It's like sometimes I voice record first and then create a post-doctor and sometimes I just write.
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And then I'll talk about it and summarize it.
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So, if you're interested in this head to my sub stack and you could subscribe the visual podcast episodes are always free.
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And if you're a paid subscriber, you automatically get the monthly nostalgia now.
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templates, the photographic journaling templates that guide you in self inquiry, paired with looking at the last month's worth of photos you've taken of your life.
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To help.
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Excavate.
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And live intentionally.
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So.
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You can find the link in the show notes there.
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So today, today I'm talking about.
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When I can't be with myself.
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Or what is I turned to repetition.
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And what.
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I mean by that is.
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I listened to.
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The same music.
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All of the time.
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I watched the same shoes over and over and over again.
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I habitually default to reading instead of.
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Uh, writing or doing something more active.
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And when I was thinking about, well, many people do this, and of course I'm not, I'm not trying to shame myself.
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It is And relaxation.
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What is that honking? Literally never heard a train go by in my life.
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But of course, when I hit record after a month of not recording, that's when the train goes by.
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Um, So I started questioning.
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Like, why do I listen to the same song over and over again? Is it because they're saying something I wish I could.
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Is it because it's making me feel something I can't muster up for myself.
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Is it because I'm looking for permission to feel something that I even haven't haven't even let myself acknowledge.
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Do I watch similar shows over and over again because I want to feel comforted by the familiar without actually having to participate.
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Oh, you know, that feeling of like, if you're out to dinner and you're hearing someone's awkward conversation and you're like, oh my God, Thank God.
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I don't have to participate in this.
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You feel your life force being sucked out of your body? Just being next to it.
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Um, Also with the shows like watching the same shows over and over again, is it.
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'cause I feel braced for what I know occurs and I don't have to feel it fresh.
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Because I want to allow space for something I don't already know.
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And even preferring to read overwrite.
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If I read instead of actually writing.
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I can feel like I'm in that world without actually having to do the work of it.
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Right.
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If I read about other people's thoughts on life and philosophy that I resonate with, that I can.
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Be relieved.
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That I'm.
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Not alone.
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And.
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Lessen my compulsion to have to articulate it myself.
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So it's kind of like, It's a comfort that.
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Dulls the sharpness.
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When life can feel like too much.
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And there's always a time and place for that.
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But.
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I think it got to the point where I wanted to write about it because.
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The repetitive over-consumption.
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Led to.
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Repetitive under creation.
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And I just got so used to not.
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Creating, but that builds like you can't bullshit yourself in that way.
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Like there's only so long that.
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The numbing and the.
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Autopilot mode helps before it starts.
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Making it feel worse.
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And because I more recently have.
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Opened up this can of worms around my photography practice and how.
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I feel like the camera in hand has become.
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a, way that I bullshit myself sometimes.
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You know, what's my greatest, most sophisticated.
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Enabler.
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Becomes a way or I can.
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C instead of look right.
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Look Versie.
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I always think about.
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Looking as very surface level.
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Cursory, but seeing something feels like I'm penetrating in a way, like I'm, I'm like a see through what is happening.
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And it feels.
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More visceral and deeper, but.
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Then it feels like.
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At some point I'm confusing seeing for feeling.
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And it's Something that can't be easily recognized.
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But something that is utterly life altering.
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The difference between the two.
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And all of this, even this conversation just feels like so much.
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And I want a dog here at right.
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I'm like, okay.
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Highlight it or fold the corner of the page over close the book, table it for now.
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Take a break.
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Whew.
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Copy and paste that.
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Experience about a million times.
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It feels like I'm more obsessed with deconstructing picture taking than I am actually taking pictures.
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And.
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I think it's because there's.
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And effortless.
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And this with the picture taking.
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And the deconstructing of the picture, it's like a compulsion and obsession, something that.
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I don't want to overthink or something that I feel like.
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Is unnecessary.
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But it feels anything but unnecessary.
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It feels like the most necessary thing it could be doing.
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Um, So I've been going back and forth with that for the last few months.
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I've gotten so good at bookmarking my emotions with photographs that I've built up an emotional to do list.
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Too long to ever check off.
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That's what it feels like.
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Not so long ago, I wrote a note.
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On sub stack asking if anyone else feels led by the most intense restlessness.
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That you cannot name no matter how many words or pictures you use.
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And.
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One beautiful stranger.
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Replied in agreement.
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And it felt like an exhale.
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That I had been holding in my lungs for years.
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And I don't.
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Like.
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Feeling so relieved.
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When somebody else.
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Can agree.
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Right.
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Like, it's like, Why do I need to connect? To the world in this way.
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Why can I just be what I am without searching? For some form of relationship.
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For some sort of relation.
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In my personal emotional experience.
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I mean, I'm.
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Yes, human nature.
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I feel like is the answer, but.
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Um, Of course, I want to exclude myself from human nature and say, But I, but I still don't want to need it.
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But can I see it better if someone else feels it too? Or maybe.
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It can be more okay for me.
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If someone feels it too.
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For how about the worst one? Perhaps, it's not a defect.
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If it belongs to someone else, it's only a defect.
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If it's mine and mine alone.
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This got me thinking about like, why.
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Am I the only exception to my deepest belief.
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In unconditional love and acceptance of what is, unless what is, is me? Me being uninspired or distracted or unproductive or inarticulate.
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Or me not being helpful.
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What happens then? Well, I think more often than not.
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I can't be with that.
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I choose not to be with that.
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So I turned to repetition.
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Zach Brian Lana Del Ray Keenan.
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O'Meara.
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He listened to those songs again and again, and again.
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The office, Seinfeld Gilmore girls again and again, and again.
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Another Marc Nepo book, another Rilke book.
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Some Julia Cameron some Anais.
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Nin.
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Again, and again, and again.
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Repetition.
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Is beautiful.
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It is needed.
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It can comfort us.
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It can embolden us and empower us.
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And it can also numb us.
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Yeah, there's a well-groomed neuropathways.
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Are there for a reason it's because we do that.
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Emotional spiritual, physical habit.
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Day in and day out.
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So it's a very easy.
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Slip and slide.
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I almost always feel this undertone of melancholy.
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I almost always feel a restless discontent.
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I always not almost, I always sit dreadfully, ergonomically incorrect.
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In fact, my neck is already tight from this.
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These patterns are home, but not the home I want to live in anymore.
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But all my shit is there.
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All the furniture, all the comforts, everything I know.
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And it takes too much energy.
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To move out.
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But I don't think the point is about moving out either.
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I think it's.
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Plugging the energy leaks.
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In our world to be able to restore ourselves to the point where we have the energy to renovate.
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What's going on internally.
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You know, a grew up in Florida.
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And I never knew anything different.
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I was miserable.
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Like.
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I'm really pale freckly person.
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And that Florida sun was not my friend.
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When I moved to San Francisco, I finally felt.
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In my bones, like, oh, Good to be in California.
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It felt good to be in California.
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But.
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Even traveling to the other side of the country.
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I still felt this restlessness.
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And it's because it's not.
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The place I'm in or.
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The people I'm around.
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It's me.
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This weird perpetual feeling of homesickness and restlessness and discontent.
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Is me.
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In me, it isn't me.
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But it's inside of me, it is inside.
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Those well, grooved neuropathways.
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Recently, I read a post by Xavier Dagba.
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He is on sub stack use.
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Incredible.
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I love reading his work.
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And it felt like.
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Uh, warm and knowing hug in this life's long.
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Unsettling feeling.
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He said.
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People are rarely stuck because they don't know what to do.
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They very often are because they are too energetically, scattered.
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Fragmented.
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And emotionally under resource to act on what they already know.
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Energetically scattered.
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Fragmented and emotionally under resourced.
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Check check, check.
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I am always.
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Looking for a tangible sense of home.
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And it feels like it's everywhere and nowhere at the same time.
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And that is because.
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When I am everywhere.
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I am nowhere.
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I don't think it's a coincidence that the only time that feeling has ever gone away is when I'm creating.
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Because what's happening when I'm creating.
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Photographing writing, making.
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Visceral presence.
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What happens in presence? Energetically focused.
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Feel whole.
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You feel emotional freedom and flow.
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I love those old songs and those shows and those books.
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But I want to sing.
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And live.
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And write.
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This afternoon, I have my first ever singing lesson.
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In an hour actually.
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And, um, I'm a little nervous, but it feels really good.
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To actually do something that has no plan or reason.
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Other than I've just always wanted to use my voice in this way.
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And I can't understand why I've never pursued it.
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00:16:45,388.5714286 --> 00:16:47,638.5714286
And I wonder what happens.
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What if this becomes a new pattern? Opting for energetic and personal freedom.
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Without a plan or a vision.
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Without logic or reason.
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Maybe I'm knocking down a wall in the living room.
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Of the paradigm I've been living in my whole life.
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00:17:18,978.5714286 --> 00:17:20,658.5714286
And it already feels more spacious.
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So my invitation to you.
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Where does your energy feel? Boundless and almost always available.
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What are you doing? What are you feeling where are you? When do you feel inexplicably hole? Complete.
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Full.
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And when is your heart and soul full and free and light and love.
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Use that as your vision board, your GPS, your renovation plans.
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I would love to hear.
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What you find.
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See ya next time.
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This has been an Awkward Sage Production.
00:00:01,530 --> 00:00:01,830
Hello.
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Hello and welcome to another episode of help me see.
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2025.
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has not let up.
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It's February 25th.
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And.
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Yeah.
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My year just gives getting crazier and crazier.
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How about you? Trying to catch your breath lately.
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I have had.
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Illness and ENT appointments and hearing loss appointments from a virus that traveled to my ear and decided to.
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Stay forever.
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And.
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Um, I've had a brain MRIs.
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To further investigate said hearing loss and.
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Oh, my goodness.
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Just so much stuff.
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Just so much stuff.
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And, you know, I keep waiting to catch my breath.
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And be able to get back to creation mode.
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My favorite place to be.
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And.
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In that waiting to catch my breath and also just complete lack of.
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Physical and emotional energy.
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There is.
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This default mode that I can slip into.
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And that is what I wrote about today.
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If you want to read the whole thing.
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I wrote this.
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Episode.
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I'm still trying to figure out like the flow of that.
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It's like sometimes I voice record first and then create a post-doctor and sometimes I just write.
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And then I'll talk about it and summarize it.
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So, if you're interested in this head to my sub stack and you could subscribe the visual podcast episodes are always free.
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And if you're a paid subscriber, you automatically get the monthly nostalgia now.
36
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templates, the photographic journaling templates that guide you in self inquiry, paired with looking at the last month's worth of photos you've taken of your life.
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To help.
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Excavate.
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And live intentionally.
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So.
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You can find the link in the show notes there.
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So today, today I'm talking about.
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When I can't be with myself.
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Or what is I turned to repetition.
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And what.
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I mean by that is.
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I listened to.
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The same music.
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All of the time.
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I watched the same shoes over and over and over again.
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I habitually default to reading instead of.
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Uh, writing or doing something more active.
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And when I was thinking about, well, many people do this, and of course I'm not, I'm not trying to shame myself.
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It is And relaxation.
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What is that honking? Literally never heard a train go by in my life.
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But of course, when I hit record after a month of not recording, that's when the train goes by.
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Um, So I started questioning.
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Like, why do I listen to the same song over and over again? Is it because they're saying something I wish I could.
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Is it because it's making me feel something I can't muster up for myself.
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Is it because I'm looking for permission to feel something that I even haven't haven't even let myself acknowledge.
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Do I watch similar shows over and over again because I want to feel comforted by the familiar without actually having to participate.
62
00:03:52,338.57142857 --> 00:04:00,288.57142857
Oh, you know, that feeling of like, if you're out to dinner and you're hearing someone's awkward conversation and you're like, oh my God, Thank God.
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I don't have to participate in this.
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You feel your life force being sucked out of your body? Just being next to it.
65
00:04:07,98.57142857 --> 00:04:13,938.57142857
Um, Also with the shows like watching the same shows over and over again, is it.
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'cause I feel braced for what I know occurs and I don't have to feel it fresh.
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Because I want to allow space for something I don't already know.
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And even preferring to read overwrite.
69
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If I read instead of actually writing.
70
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I can feel like I'm in that world without actually having to do the work of it.
71
00:04:37,818.57142857 --> 00:04:38,178.57142857
Right.
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If I read about other people's thoughts on life and philosophy that I resonate with, that I can.
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Be relieved.
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That I'm.
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Not alone.
76
00:04:50,208.57142857 --> 00:04:50,568.57142857
And.
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Lessen my compulsion to have to articulate it myself.
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So it's kind of like, It's a comfort that.
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Dulls the sharpness.
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When life can feel like too much.
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And there's always a time and place for that.
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But.
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I think it got to the point where I wanted to write about it because.
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The repetitive over-consumption.
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Led to.
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Repetitive under creation.
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And I just got so used to not.
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Creating, but that builds like you can't bullshit yourself in that way.
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Like there's only so long that.
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The numbing and the.
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Autopilot mode helps before it starts.
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Making it feel worse.
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And because I more recently have.
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Opened up this can of worms around my photography practice and how.
95
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I feel like the camera in hand has become.
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a, way that I bullshit myself sometimes.
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You know, what's my greatest, most sophisticated.
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Enabler.
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Becomes a way or I can.
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C instead of look right.
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Look Versie.
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I always think about.
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Looking as very surface level.
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Cursory, but seeing something feels like I'm penetrating in a way, like I'm, I'm like a see through what is happening.
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And it feels.
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More visceral and deeper, but.
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Then it feels like.
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At some point I'm confusing seeing for feeling.
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And it's Something that can't be easily recognized.
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But something that is utterly life altering.
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The difference between the two.
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And all of this, even this conversation just feels like so much.
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And I want a dog here at right.
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I'm like, okay.
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Highlight it or fold the corner of the page over close the book, table it for now.
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Take a break.
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Whew.
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Copy and paste that.
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Experience about a million times.
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It feels like I'm more obsessed with deconstructing picture taking than I am actually taking pictures.
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And.
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I think it's because there's.
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And effortless.
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And this with the picture taking.
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And the deconstructing of the picture, it's like a compulsion and obsession, something that.
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I don't want to overthink or something that I feel like.
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Is unnecessary.
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But it feels anything but unnecessary.
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It feels like the most necessary thing it could be doing.
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Um, So I've been going back and forth with that for the last few months.
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I've gotten so good at bookmarking my emotions with photographs that I've built up an emotional to do list.
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Too long to ever check off.
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That's what it feels like.
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Not so long ago, I wrote a note.
135
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On sub stack asking if anyone else feels led by the most intense restlessness.
136
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That you cannot name no matter how many words or pictures you use.
137
00:08:37,928.57142857 --> 00:08:38,528.57142857
And.
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One beautiful stranger.
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Replied in agreement.
140
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And it felt like an exhale.
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That I had been holding in my lungs for years.
142
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And I don't.
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Like.
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Feeling so relieved.
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When somebody else.
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Can agree.
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Right.
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Like, it's like, Why do I need to connect? To the world in this way.
149
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Why can I just be what I am without searching? For some form of relationship.
150
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For some sort of relation.
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In my personal emotional experience.
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I mean, I'm.
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Yes, human nature.
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I feel like is the answer, but.
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Um, Of course, I want to exclude myself from human nature and say, But I, but I still don't want to need it.
156
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But can I see it better if someone else feels it too? Or maybe.
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It can be more okay for me.
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If someone feels it too.
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For how about the worst one? Perhaps, it's not a defect.
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If it belongs to someone else, it's only a defect.
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If it's mine and mine alone.
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This got me thinking about like, why.
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Am I the only exception to my deepest belief.
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In unconditional love and acceptance of what is, unless what is, is me? Me being uninspired or distracted or unproductive or inarticulate.
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Or me not being helpful.
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What happens then? Well, I think more often than not.
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I can't be with that.
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I choose not to be with that.
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So I turned to repetition.
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Zach Brian Lana Del Ray Keenan.
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O'Meara.
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He listened to those songs again and again, and again.
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The office, Seinfeld Gilmore girls again and again, and again.
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Another Marc Nepo book, another Rilke book.
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Some Julia Cameron some Anais.
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Nin.
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Again, and again, and again.
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Repetition.
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Is beautiful.
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It is needed.
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It can comfort us.
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It can embolden us and empower us.
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And it can also numb us.
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Yeah, there's a well-groomed neuropathways.
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Are there for a reason it's because we do that.
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Emotional spiritual, physical habit.
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Day in and day out.
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So it's a very easy.
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Slip and slide.
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I almost always feel this undertone of melancholy.
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I almost always feel a restless discontent.
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I always not almost, I always sit dreadfully, ergonomically incorrect.
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In fact, my neck is already tight from this.
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These patterns are home, but not the home I want to live in anymore.
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But all my shit is there.
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All the furniture, all the comforts, everything I know.
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And it takes too much energy.
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To move out.
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But I don't think the point is about moving out either.
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I think it's.
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Plugging the energy leaks.
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In our world to be able to restore ourselves to the point where we have the energy to renovate.
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What's going on internally.
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You know, a grew up in Florida.
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And I never knew anything different.
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I was miserable.
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Like.
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I'm really pale freckly person.
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And that Florida sun was not my friend.
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When I moved to San Francisco, I finally felt.
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In my bones, like, oh, Good to be in California.
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It felt good to be in California.
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But.
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Even traveling to the other side of the country.
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I still felt this restlessness.
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And it's because it's not.
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The place I'm in or.
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The people I'm around.
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It's me.
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This weird perpetual feeling of homesickness and restlessness and discontent.
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Is me.
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In me, it isn't me.
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But it's inside of me, it is inside.
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Those well, grooved neuropathways.
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Recently, I read a post by Xavier Dagba.
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He is on sub stack use.
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Incredible.
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I love reading his work.
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And it felt like.
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Uh, warm and knowing hug in this life's long.
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Unsettling feeling.
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He said.
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People are rarely stuck because they don't know what to do.
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They very often are because they are too energetically, scattered.
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Fragmented.
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And emotionally under resource to act on what they already know.
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Energetically scattered.
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Fragmented and emotionally under resourced.
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Check check, check.
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I am always.
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Looking for a tangible sense of home.
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And it feels like it's everywhere and nowhere at the same time.
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And that is because.
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When I am everywhere.
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I am nowhere.
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I don't think it's a coincidence that the only time that feeling has ever gone away is when I'm creating.
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Because what's happening when I'm creating.
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Photographing writing, making.
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Visceral presence.
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What happens in presence? Energetically focused.
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Feel whole.
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You feel emotional freedom and flow.
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I love those old songs and those shows and those books.
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But I want to sing.
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And live.
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And write.
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This afternoon, I have my first ever singing lesson.
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In an hour actually.
259
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And, um, I'm a little nervous, but it feels really good.
260
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To actually do something that has no plan or reason.
261
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Other than I've just always wanted to use my voice in this way.
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And I can't understand why I've never pursued it.
263
00:16:45,388.5714286 --> 00:16:47,638.5714286
And I wonder what happens.
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00:16:50,428.5714286 --> 00:16:57,688.5714286
What if this becomes a new pattern? Opting for energetic and personal freedom.
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00:16:59,908.5714286 --> 00:17:02,518.5714286
Without a plan or a vision.
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Without logic or reason.
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00:17:12,238.5714286 --> 00:17:14,638.5714286
Maybe I'm knocking down a wall in the living room.
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Of the paradigm I've been living in my whole life.
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And it already feels more spacious.
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So my invitation to you.
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Where does your energy feel? Boundless and almost always available.
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What are you doing? What are you feeling where are you? When do you feel inexplicably hole? Complete.
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Full.
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And when is your heart and soul full and free and light and love.
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Use that as your vision board, your GPS, your renovation plans.
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I would love to hear.
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What you find.
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See ya next time.
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This has been an Awkward Sage Production.
