To be 35 at 4am.

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Hello, and welcome to another episode of help me see.

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Today I am coming to you at 5 58 in the morning.

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On my birthday.

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I am.

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Going to read you what I woke up to.

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Right.

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Not planned, obviously.

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Just woke up.

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It's 4:00 AM on my 35th birthday, and I am kept awake.

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Wondering who I am.

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a, frantic need.

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Uh, frantic need.

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Just go to sleep.

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He'll be fucked.

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The rest of this busy day.

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If you wake up now.

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But I can't.

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Life is happening now.

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My restlessness is awake again.

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I cannot help the preoccupation.

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I think.

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Once I can figure out.

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What the fuck.

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I am trying to figure out about myself.

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About life.

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I can be more present.

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In myself.

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In life.

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Knowing full well.

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That is bullshit.

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Every month I go to the photos.

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And make sense of it all.

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And then it's gone.

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Remember, forget, remember, forget.

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What good does it really do me to force myself back to sleep? So I can be more awake for everyone else during the day.

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I want to be awake.

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For me.

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Now.

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Eyes open to what swallows me by day.

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In the blackness of the early morning hours, it lets me get a glimpse.

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But I'm scared to glimpse.

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A pit in my stomach.

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The unique pain.

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Of being awake and in the natural hour.

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As if you're not allowed to be here.

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As if it's cheating.

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You can no more here.

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I'm drawn and it makes me uncomfortable, scared even.

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It feels close to death.

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When there are no distractions a week.

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What is awake.

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Pontificating what I am seeing.

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So few tile in this non light.

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Just be.

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It's enough.

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It's essential.

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You're nothing without it.

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But what if I find my being.

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In the pontificating.

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Is that wrong? Sometimes it feels right.

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I have an unquenchable thirst for living in most of that living is still.

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Racing mind, pounding heart, still bones.

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Reading thinking, creating a, still that feels anything, but.

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I feel alone.

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I feel alone.

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I feel alone, but I think I want it that way.

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I have a beautiful, loving family and I feel alone.

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I have beautiful loving friends.

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And they feel alone.

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I have made a life of sharing my inner most thoughts, and I feel alone.

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Years of speaking and writing and sharing.

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And I feel like I have said nothing.

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It feels like I've done nothing.

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It feels like I figured out nothing.

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And yet.

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I wouldn't do much different.

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What the fuck does that even mean? I think I'm trying to find.

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The grand meaning the sum of all my efforts and the truth is in the efforts itself.

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The unavoidable being.

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The inevitable being.

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The unquestionable being.

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My fieriness action, even if it looks completely still.

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Is my version of being.

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You cannot read a label from inside the bottle and you also cannot stop me from trying.

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All of the stretching and pushing and pulling.

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The lines of proof.

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For my constant.

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Furrowed brow.

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Never in vain when an instant of understanding devours me.

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An instant of peace and knowing in the kind of being that vibrates.

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There it is.

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This.

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It's all I'm ever looking for.

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This.

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At five 15 on October 26th, 2024.

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I am sitting in the dark with my laptop on a rocking chair, drinking coffee with the brisk air coming in through the window.

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I am writing what seems like shitty poems at best stream of consciousness, at least.

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My family peacefully asleep.

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My dog at my feet.

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And I am happy.

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To be alone with my thoughts.

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Is some of the happiest I ever am.

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Even if I'm not satisfied with the thoughts themselves.

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I am happy.

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I gave up on sleep.

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I'd rather sleep walk through the day than sleep through the life that chose to visit me at 3:45 AM on my birthday.

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I gave birth to my son at five 15.

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And that was far too early to bring life into the world, but somehow.

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Today.

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By 15 feels like the perfect time.