Oct. 30, 2024
To be 35 at 4am.
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i’d rather sleepwalk through the day than sleep through the life that chose to visit me at 3:45am on my birthday.
read & subscribe here: https://biancaleamorra.substack.com/
Transcript
1
00:00:00,370 --> 00:00:02,830
Hello, and welcome to another episode of help me see.
2
00:00:04,210 --> 00:00:09,370
Today I am coming to you at 5 58 in the morning.
3
00:00:10,510 --> 00:00:11,770
On my birthday.
4
00:00:15,670 --> 00:00:17,380
I am.
5
00:00:19,090 --> 00:00:21,070
Going to read you what I woke up to.
6
00:00:21,070 --> 00:00:21,640
Right.
7
00:00:25,240 --> 00:00:27,580
Not planned, obviously.
8
00:00:29,610 --> 00:00:30,870
Just woke up.
9
00:00:34,710 --> 00:00:39,060
It's 4:00 AM on my 35th birthday, and I am kept awake.
10
00:00:39,060 --> 00:00:40,590
Wondering who I am.
11
00:00:41,910 --> 00:00:43,260
a, frantic need.
12
00:00:45,610 --> 00:00:46,900
Uh, frantic need.
13
00:00:49,090 --> 00:00:50,320
Just go to sleep.
14
00:00:50,980 --> 00:00:51,940
He'll be fucked.
15
00:00:51,970 --> 00:00:53,590
The rest of this busy day.
16
00:00:53,620 --> 00:00:54,760
If you wake up now.
17
00:00:56,260 --> 00:00:57,160
But I can't.
18
00:00:58,750 --> 00:01:00,220
Life is happening now.
19
00:01:02,530 --> 00:01:04,780
My restlessness is awake again.
20
00:01:06,610 --> 00:01:08,680
I cannot help the preoccupation.
21
00:01:10,900 --> 00:01:11,680
I think.
22
00:01:12,250 --> 00:01:13,660
Once I can figure out.
23
00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:15,520
What the fuck.
24
00:01:15,550 --> 00:01:18,610
I am trying to figure out about myself.
25
00:01:19,450 --> 00:01:20,410
About life.
26
00:01:22,180 --> 00:01:23,590
I can be more present.
27
00:01:24,010 --> 00:01:25,090
In myself.
28
00:01:26,260 --> 00:01:27,010
In life.
29
00:01:29,110 --> 00:01:30,340
Knowing full well.
30
00:01:31,660 --> 00:01:32,650
That is bullshit.
31
00:01:35,410 --> 00:01:37,570
Every month I go to the photos.
32
00:01:38,530 --> 00:01:40,000
And make sense of it all.
33
00:01:40,330 --> 00:01:41,290
And then it's gone.
34
00:01:42,670 --> 00:01:45,370
Remember, forget, remember, forget.
35
00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:55,100
What good does it really do me to force myself back to sleep? So I can be more awake for everyone else during the day.
36
00:01:57,110 --> 00:01:58,310
I want to be awake.
37
00:01:58,940 --> 00:01:59,750
For me.
38
00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:01,250
Now.
39
00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:05,390
Eyes open to what swallows me by day.
40
00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:10,910
In the blackness of the early morning hours, it lets me get a glimpse.
41
00:02:12,650 --> 00:02:14,240
But I'm scared to glimpse.
42
00:02:15,110 --> 00:02:16,310
A pit in my stomach.
43
00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:19,100
The unique pain.
44
00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:22,580
Of being awake and in the natural hour.
45
00:02:24,050 --> 00:02:26,030
As if you're not allowed to be here.
46
00:02:27,260 --> 00:02:28,580
As if it's cheating.
47
00:02:30,980 --> 00:02:32,540
You can no more here.
48
00:02:34,460 --> 00:02:37,700
I'm drawn and it makes me uncomfortable, scared even.
49
00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:40,640
It feels close to death.
50
00:02:42,410 --> 00:02:44,390
When there are no distractions a week.
51
00:02:45,260 --> 00:02:46,310
What is awake.
52
00:02:52,610 --> 00:02:54,680
Pontificating what I am seeing.
53
00:02:54,710 --> 00:02:57,230
So few tile in this non light.
54
00:03:00,650 --> 00:03:01,760
Just be.
55
00:03:03,350 --> 00:03:04,070
It's enough.
56
00:03:04,070 --> 00:03:05,180
It's essential.
57
00:03:05,930 --> 00:03:07,160
You're nothing without it.
58
00:03:08,450 --> 00:03:10,580
But what if I find my being.
59
00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:12,320
In the pontificating.
60
00:03:13,310 --> 00:03:17,420
Is that wrong? Sometimes it feels right.
61
00:03:19,610 --> 00:03:23,480
I have an unquenchable thirst for living in most of that living is still.
62
00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:27,920
Racing mind, pounding heart, still bones.
63
00:03:29,990 --> 00:03:33,920
Reading thinking, creating a, still that feels anything, but.
64
00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:36,860
I feel alone.
65
00:03:38,710 --> 00:03:39,880
I feel alone.
66
00:03:41,620 --> 00:03:44,230
I feel alone, but I think I want it that way.
67
00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:48,790
I have a beautiful, loving family and I feel alone.
68
00:03:50,530 --> 00:03:52,330
I have beautiful loving friends.
69
00:03:53,020 --> 00:03:54,190
And they feel alone.
70
00:03:56,290 --> 00:04:00,940
I have made a life of sharing my inner most thoughts, and I feel alone.
71
00:04:03,700 --> 00:04:06,160
Years of speaking and writing and sharing.
72
00:04:06,460 --> 00:04:08,110
And I feel like I have said nothing.
73
00:04:09,580 --> 00:04:11,320
It feels like I've done nothing.
74
00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:15,280
It feels like I figured out nothing.
75
00:04:17,410 --> 00:04:18,400
And yet.
76
00:04:20,620 --> 00:04:22,360
I wouldn't do much different.
77
00:04:25,450 --> 00:04:32,800
What the fuck does that even mean? I think I'm trying to find.
78
00:04:33,490 --> 00:04:40,600
The grand meaning the sum of all my efforts and the truth is in the efforts itself.
79
00:04:42,310 --> 00:04:43,900
The unavoidable being.
80
00:04:45,070 --> 00:04:46,390
The inevitable being.
81
00:04:47,710 --> 00:04:50,020
The unquestionable being.
82
00:04:53,290 --> 00:04:57,130
My fieriness action, even if it looks completely still.
83
00:04:57,640 --> 00:04:59,830
Is my version of being.
84
00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:08,180
You cannot read a label from inside the bottle and you also cannot stop me from trying.
85
00:05:09,890 --> 00:05:11,990
All of the stretching and pushing and pulling.
86
00:05:13,490 --> 00:05:14,960
The lines of proof.
87
00:05:16,070 --> 00:05:17,150
For my constant.
88
00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:18,590
Furrowed brow.
89
00:05:20,060 --> 00:05:23,660
Never in vain when an instant of understanding devours me.
90
00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:28,430
An instant of peace and knowing in the kind of being that vibrates.
91
00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:30,500
There it is.
92
00:05:32,510 --> 00:05:33,110
This.
93
00:05:35,300 --> 00:05:37,520
It's all I'm ever looking for.
94
00:05:39,020 --> 00:05:39,500
This.
95
00:05:42,890 --> 00:05:46,460
At five 15 on October 26th, 2024.
96
00:05:46,460 --> 00:05:52,910
I am sitting in the dark with my laptop on a rocking chair, drinking coffee with the brisk air coming in through the window.
97
00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:59,240
I am writing what seems like shitty poems at best stream of consciousness, at least.
98
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:01,820
My family peacefully asleep.
99
00:06:02,930 --> 00:06:04,160
My dog at my feet.
100
00:06:04,610 --> 00:06:05,600
And I am happy.
101
00:06:06,860 --> 00:06:08,750
To be alone with my thoughts.
102
00:06:09,410 --> 00:06:11,300
Is some of the happiest I ever am.
103
00:06:13,220 --> 00:06:16,040
Even if I'm not satisfied with the thoughts themselves.
104
00:06:18,170 --> 00:06:18,830
I am happy.
105
00:06:18,830 --> 00:06:20,090
I gave up on sleep.
106
00:06:21,020 --> 00:06:27,560
I'd rather sleep walk through the day than sleep through the life that chose to visit me at 3:45 AM on my birthday.
107
00:06:30,170 --> 00:06:32,750
I gave birth to my son at five 15.
108
00:06:33,230 --> 00:06:37,610
And that was far too early to bring life into the world, but somehow.
109
00:06:38,420 --> 00:06:39,140
Today.
110
00:06:40,070 --> 00:06:42,410
By 15 feels like the perfect time.
00:00:00,370 --> 00:00:02,830
Hello, and welcome to another episode of help me see.
2
00:00:04,210 --> 00:00:09,370
Today I am coming to you at 5 58 in the morning.
3
00:00:10,510 --> 00:00:11,770
On my birthday.
4
00:00:15,670 --> 00:00:17,380
I am.
5
00:00:19,090 --> 00:00:21,070
Going to read you what I woke up to.
6
00:00:21,070 --> 00:00:21,640
Right.
7
00:00:25,240 --> 00:00:27,580
Not planned, obviously.
8
00:00:29,610 --> 00:00:30,870
Just woke up.
9
00:00:34,710 --> 00:00:39,060
It's 4:00 AM on my 35th birthday, and I am kept awake.
10
00:00:39,060 --> 00:00:40,590
Wondering who I am.
11
00:00:41,910 --> 00:00:43,260
a, frantic need.
12
00:00:45,610 --> 00:00:46,900
Uh, frantic need.
13
00:00:49,090 --> 00:00:50,320
Just go to sleep.
14
00:00:50,980 --> 00:00:51,940
He'll be fucked.
15
00:00:51,970 --> 00:00:53,590
The rest of this busy day.
16
00:00:53,620 --> 00:00:54,760
If you wake up now.
17
00:00:56,260 --> 00:00:57,160
But I can't.
18
00:00:58,750 --> 00:01:00,220
Life is happening now.
19
00:01:02,530 --> 00:01:04,780
My restlessness is awake again.
20
00:01:06,610 --> 00:01:08,680
I cannot help the preoccupation.
21
00:01:10,900 --> 00:01:11,680
I think.
22
00:01:12,250 --> 00:01:13,660
Once I can figure out.
23
00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:15,520
What the fuck.
24
00:01:15,550 --> 00:01:18,610
I am trying to figure out about myself.
25
00:01:19,450 --> 00:01:20,410
About life.
26
00:01:22,180 --> 00:01:23,590
I can be more present.
27
00:01:24,010 --> 00:01:25,090
In myself.
28
00:01:26,260 --> 00:01:27,010
In life.
29
00:01:29,110 --> 00:01:30,340
Knowing full well.
30
00:01:31,660 --> 00:01:32,650
That is bullshit.
31
00:01:35,410 --> 00:01:37,570
Every month I go to the photos.
32
00:01:38,530 --> 00:01:40,000
And make sense of it all.
33
00:01:40,330 --> 00:01:41,290
And then it's gone.
34
00:01:42,670 --> 00:01:45,370
Remember, forget, remember, forget.
35
00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:55,100
What good does it really do me to force myself back to sleep? So I can be more awake for everyone else during the day.
36
00:01:57,110 --> 00:01:58,310
I want to be awake.
37
00:01:58,940 --> 00:01:59,750
For me.
38
00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:01,250
Now.
39
00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:05,390
Eyes open to what swallows me by day.
40
00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:10,910
In the blackness of the early morning hours, it lets me get a glimpse.
41
00:02:12,650 --> 00:02:14,240
But I'm scared to glimpse.
42
00:02:15,110 --> 00:02:16,310
A pit in my stomach.
43
00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:19,100
The unique pain.
44
00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:22,580
Of being awake and in the natural hour.
45
00:02:24,050 --> 00:02:26,030
As if you're not allowed to be here.
46
00:02:27,260 --> 00:02:28,580
As if it's cheating.
47
00:02:30,980 --> 00:02:32,540
You can no more here.
48
00:02:34,460 --> 00:02:37,700
I'm drawn and it makes me uncomfortable, scared even.
49
00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:40,640
It feels close to death.
50
00:02:42,410 --> 00:02:44,390
When there are no distractions a week.
51
00:02:45,260 --> 00:02:46,310
What is awake.
52
00:02:52,610 --> 00:02:54,680
Pontificating what I am seeing.
53
00:02:54,710 --> 00:02:57,230
So few tile in this non light.
54
00:03:00,650 --> 00:03:01,760
Just be.
55
00:03:03,350 --> 00:03:04,070
It's enough.
56
00:03:04,070 --> 00:03:05,180
It's essential.
57
00:03:05,930 --> 00:03:07,160
You're nothing without it.
58
00:03:08,450 --> 00:03:10,580
But what if I find my being.
59
00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:12,320
In the pontificating.
60
00:03:13,310 --> 00:03:17,420
Is that wrong? Sometimes it feels right.
61
00:03:19,610 --> 00:03:23,480
I have an unquenchable thirst for living in most of that living is still.
62
00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:27,920
Racing mind, pounding heart, still bones.
63
00:03:29,990 --> 00:03:33,920
Reading thinking, creating a, still that feels anything, but.
64
00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:36,860
I feel alone.
65
00:03:38,710 --> 00:03:39,880
I feel alone.
66
00:03:41,620 --> 00:03:44,230
I feel alone, but I think I want it that way.
67
00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:48,790
I have a beautiful, loving family and I feel alone.
68
00:03:50,530 --> 00:03:52,330
I have beautiful loving friends.
69
00:03:53,020 --> 00:03:54,190
And they feel alone.
70
00:03:56,290 --> 00:04:00,940
I have made a life of sharing my inner most thoughts, and I feel alone.
71
00:04:03,700 --> 00:04:06,160
Years of speaking and writing and sharing.
72
00:04:06,460 --> 00:04:08,110
And I feel like I have said nothing.
73
00:04:09,580 --> 00:04:11,320
It feels like I've done nothing.
74
00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:15,280
It feels like I figured out nothing.
75
00:04:17,410 --> 00:04:18,400
And yet.
76
00:04:20,620 --> 00:04:22,360
I wouldn't do much different.
77
00:04:25,450 --> 00:04:32,800
What the fuck does that even mean? I think I'm trying to find.
78
00:04:33,490 --> 00:04:40,600
The grand meaning the sum of all my efforts and the truth is in the efforts itself.
79
00:04:42,310 --> 00:04:43,900
The unavoidable being.
80
00:04:45,070 --> 00:04:46,390
The inevitable being.
81
00:04:47,710 --> 00:04:50,020
The unquestionable being.
82
00:04:53,290 --> 00:04:57,130
My fieriness action, even if it looks completely still.
83
00:04:57,640 --> 00:04:59,830
Is my version of being.
84
00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:08,180
You cannot read a label from inside the bottle and you also cannot stop me from trying.
85
00:05:09,890 --> 00:05:11,990
All of the stretching and pushing and pulling.
86
00:05:13,490 --> 00:05:14,960
The lines of proof.
87
00:05:16,070 --> 00:05:17,150
For my constant.
88
00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:18,590
Furrowed brow.
89
00:05:20,060 --> 00:05:23,660
Never in vain when an instant of understanding devours me.
90
00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:28,430
An instant of peace and knowing in the kind of being that vibrates.
91
00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:30,500
There it is.
92
00:05:32,510 --> 00:05:33,110
This.
93
00:05:35,300 --> 00:05:37,520
It's all I'm ever looking for.
94
00:05:39,020 --> 00:05:39,500
This.
95
00:05:42,890 --> 00:05:46,460
At five 15 on October 26th, 2024.
96
00:05:46,460 --> 00:05:52,910
I am sitting in the dark with my laptop on a rocking chair, drinking coffee with the brisk air coming in through the window.
97
00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:59,240
I am writing what seems like shitty poems at best stream of consciousness, at least.
98
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:01,820
My family peacefully asleep.
99
00:06:02,930 --> 00:06:04,160
My dog at my feet.
100
00:06:04,610 --> 00:06:05,600
And I am happy.
101
00:06:06,860 --> 00:06:08,750
To be alone with my thoughts.
102
00:06:09,410 --> 00:06:11,300
Is some of the happiest I ever am.
103
00:06:13,220 --> 00:06:16,040
Even if I'm not satisfied with the thoughts themselves.
104
00:06:18,170 --> 00:06:18,830
I am happy.
105
00:06:18,830 --> 00:06:20,090
I gave up on sleep.
106
00:06:21,020 --> 00:06:27,560
I'd rather sleep walk through the day than sleep through the life that chose to visit me at 3:45 AM on my birthday.
107
00:06:30,170 --> 00:06:32,750
I gave birth to my son at five 15.
108
00:06:33,230 --> 00:06:37,610
And that was far too early to bring life into the world, but somehow.
109
00:06:38,420 --> 00:06:39,140
Today.
110
00:06:40,070 --> 00:06:42,410
By 15 feels like the perfect time.
