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Aug. 14, 2024
Press & Release: Confessions of Insecurity
I went on a creative work retreat & was able to finally name the ambiguous monster under my bed. An insecurity that makes me cringe to even say it out loud but alas- I do.
I bring it here in the spirit of love, honesty, & in the shameless hope that speaking it out will encourage it to dissipate.
BREAKING NEWS:
Each podcast episode will now also be published on substack. A new labor of love in pairing words and imagery.
NOTES from Bianca:
1:1 BREAKTHROUGH VISION SESSION
Sacred Seeing Membership for Creatives
https://www.instagram.com/biancaleamorra/
Check out my newest offer- REMOTE PHOTO SESSIONS for emerging artists.
Transcript
1
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Let go.
2
00:00:01,950 --> 00:00:03,119.9999999999
Of this way.
3
00:00:03,119.9999999999 --> 00:00:06,669.9999999996
Of saying what I want to say, but then backing off backing off.
4
00:00:06,699.9999999996 --> 00:00:09,789.9999999997
It's like this dance, it's the same thing as taking a picture.
5
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It's like this uncomfortable.
6
00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:14,260
Feeling like I can't bear the intimacy.
7
00:00:14,530 --> 00:00:16,780
Of what is in front of me and what I want to do.
8
00:00:17,619.999999999 --> 00:00:18,819.999999999
That's my press, the button.
9
00:00:19,240 --> 00:00:19,809.999999999
Take the picture.
10
00:00:19,869.999999999 --> 00:00:20,349.999999999
There it is.
11
00:00:20,559.999999999 --> 00:00:21,129.999999999
There it is.
12
00:00:21,369.999999999 --> 00:00:21,879.999999999
There it is.
13
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Take the picture.
14
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I see it and gone.
15
00:00:25,270 --> 00:00:26,290
I see it and gone.
16
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And only in like the dark hole of my basement where I'm editing.
17
00:00:30,190 --> 00:00:33,69.999999999
Can I be with it? For just long enough.
18
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To edit it in a way that feels like, and I'm massaging it.
19
00:00:37,030 --> 00:00:38,829.999999999
And I'm like in it, in it.
20
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And that's right and gone.
21
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And I don't sit with it.
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I'm not sitting with myself long enough.
23
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To let myself right.
24
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And get it out.
25
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What would you do? What would you make? What would you create? What would you feel if you let yourself sit with yourself long enough? If you tolerated.
26
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Being still and sitting with yourself.
27
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Hello, and welcome to another episode of help me see.
28
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Today, I'm coming to you from.
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The last morning of this delicious.
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Creative self-lead retreat.
31
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Uh, weekend that I've done with two of my dear friends, uh, we decided to come.
32
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A few hours away from home and have some.
33
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Relaxation time, some creative work time, some connection time.
34
00:03:42,143.33333333 --> 00:03:48,213.33333333
And, um, I'm reminded again of the importance of space.
35
00:03:48,903.33333333 --> 00:04:02,733.33333333
And how, like leading up to coming here, I was feeling really guilty and a lot of, uh, Like wavering of, I mean, it was always coming, but I was like, is this the right thing? Like my kids were going to school.
36
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Uh, in the next.
37
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Week or so.
38
00:04:06,873.33333333 --> 00:04:09,3.33333333
And then I decided that.
39
00:04:10,293.33333333 --> 00:04:13,233.33333333
there's no quoting being half here and half there, which has been.
40
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Uh, normal.
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Default.
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Mode I don't like being in the middle, but then I ended up.
43
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Being in the middle.
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Where I feel the need to.
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Be in both worlds at once.
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I came here with my natural inclination to.
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I get so much done.
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We do so much.
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This is time and space to create, create, create, but what do I create? What do you create in this precious time by yourself? Time to yourself, undisturbed with grownups.
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What do you do? What do you do with that? So I spend a lot of time.
51
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Panicking.
52
00:05:07,43.33333333 --> 00:05:15,13.33333333
Well, I'd like to, I do, what do I focus on? There's so much I want to do, but what do I do? What do I do? It's funny because.
53
00:05:18,163.33333333 --> 00:05:21,73.33333333
When I finally just let myself do what I want to do.
54
00:05:22,993.33333333 --> 00:05:24,763.33333333
All it was, was editing photos.
55
00:05:27,553.33333333 --> 00:05:29,443.33333333
I just wanted to edit some photos.
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The photos I edited in particular were, um, pictures.
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I took of my family on our beach trip that we took a few months ago.
58
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And.
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I think the reason why my favorite.
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Place to be in ever is like with my photos and editing and.
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Being in that world.
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And locked in is because.
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In that world.
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There is no.
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Questioning.
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There's no questioning my S like myself and like doubt and ego and.
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Oh, Am I.
68
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Like no insecurities.
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It's just me.
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And the work.
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Me and the world's me and the pictures.
72
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Literally like no one's opinion matters.
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I don't even think of my opinion of what it is.
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I just move.
75
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And.
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Then the intense.
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Contrast of the feeling in my body.
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And my heart.
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And my mind when I'm.
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In that space versus.
81
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So much of the rest of my life.
82
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Is.
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It's significant.
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It's.
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Definitely a mirror for.
86
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Clarity.
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I'd actually like to share my biggest.
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Insecurity.
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My biggest.
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Um, Thing that I find that I get like squirreled up on.
91
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When it comes to sharing what I want to share and like my creations in the world in terms of like, What do I want to do with all this, creating containers and talking about philosophical? Practice and all of that.
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I have.
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This.
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Really.
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Frustrating.
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Fear and insecurity around the fact that I'm redundant.
97
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It feels like.
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Redundant for me to say a lot of the things that I say and.
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But I have this compulsion to talk about it.
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I have this compulsion to want to.
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Say the things I'm saying, which is that.
102
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And I do.
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And this is the thing that.
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I feel like it has enabled me to move on for years and years and not resolve this because it doesn't stop me.
105
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From acting per se.
106
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Don't stop me from actually creating something.
107
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But it Def it's like anchor and I'm like kicking and kicking to like suck some air and it just holding me down.
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Keeps it, it makes it so much harder than it needs to be.
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A friend of mine.
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Looked up the definition of philosopher.
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And.
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It highlighted.
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The fact that philosophers aren't really concerned with having answers.
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They're concerned with.
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Asking really good questions.
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And this.
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Constant seeking of understanding.
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And I was like, oh, I could get down with that.
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I could, I could agree with that.
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That takes the pressure off.
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What pressure of what pressure.
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To say something that no one's ever heard before.
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Y what, what.
124
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Why would you task yourself with something? So.
125
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Egoic something.
126
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So.
127
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futile That's like saying.
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Don't bother making art because Everything's been made.
129
00:09:25,393.33333333 --> 00:09:29,653.33333333
So why bother? It's not the point.
130
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The thing that's made, isn't really the point.
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Although it's.
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Incredible.
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It's what happens.
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Like in that exchange, in that energy, in that creation.
135
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And.
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Why am I so worried about.
137
00:09:49,993.33333333 --> 00:09:55,843.33333333
Saying something that's like not helpful or not useful or redundant.
138
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Um, annoying.
139
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Or.
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00:10:00,703.33333333 --> 00:10:01,633.33333333
I want to say it.
141
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Say something that's too obvious.
142
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I'm like, oh, there's just so obvious.
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I don't care.
144
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Some of the most life-changing.
145
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Helpful.
146
00:10:15,463.33333333 --> 00:10:18,823.33333333
Realizations I've had in my life were so obvious.
147
00:10:20,23.33333333 --> 00:10:21,733.33333333
But I just didn't.
148
00:10:25,453.33333333 --> 00:10:26,173.33333333
Grabbed them.
149
00:10:26,203.33333333 --> 00:10:27,583.33333333
I didn't, it didn't.
150
00:10:28,873.33333333 --> 00:10:33,943.33333333
Register in my mind until, you know, my 34th year of life or whatever.
151
00:10:34,183.33333333 --> 00:10:36,43.33333333
Oh, now I realize that.
152
00:10:36,673.33333333 --> 00:10:38,653.33333333
In my world, fear equals love.
153
00:10:39,223.33333333 --> 00:10:42,553.33333333
Like in my hole in my life, up until this point, fear means love.
154
00:10:43,723.33333333 --> 00:10:45,73.33333333
It's so obvious.
155
00:10:45,763.33333333 --> 00:10:46,273.33333333
But I didn't.
156
00:10:46,663.33333333 --> 00:10:47,383.33333333
Fucking.
157
00:10:48,283.33333333 --> 00:10:49,33.33333333
Internalize.
158
00:10:49,33.33333333 --> 00:10:49,723.33333333
I didn't.
159
00:10:52,483.33333333 --> 00:10:53,653.33333333
Swallow it and.
160
00:10:53,773.33333333 --> 00:10:55,33.33333333
Let it digest.
161
00:10:55,33.33333333 --> 00:10:55,903.33333333
I didn't chew it.
162
00:10:55,993.33333333 --> 00:10:57,433.33333333
The saliva didn't like.
163
00:10:57,943.33333333 --> 00:11:04,303.33333333
Grab the understanding and the nutrients and my body didn't expel the poison of it.
164
00:11:05,893.33333333 --> 00:11:09,493.33333333
Because it just didn't land until it landed.
165
00:11:12,973.33333333 --> 00:11:20,543.33333333
I'm so fucking tired of this filter of like, In order to take up space and to say what I want to say.
166
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I better make sure.
167
00:11:22,903.33333333 --> 00:11:23,773.33333333
It's good.
168
00:11:23,893.33333333 --> 00:11:25,693.33333333
I better make sure it's actually helpful.
169
00:11:25,693.33333333 --> 00:11:28,513.33333333
I better make sure that it's actually interesting.
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I don't give a fuck.
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If you think my pictures of my family.
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Are good or bad.
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00:11:39,463.33333333 --> 00:11:39,973.33333333
Are.
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00:11:40,663.33333333 --> 00:11:44,173.33333333
Boring are too dark are over.
175
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Edited are at it.
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Does not.
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Matter.
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Why is my voice? Different than that.
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00:11:56,593.33333333 --> 00:11:58,573.33333333
Like, this is just another version of my voice.
180
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Why is.
181
00:12:02,803.33333333 --> 00:12:06,993.33333333
My impulse and my compulsion to write.
182
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Tainted by.
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This feeling of.
184
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Inadequacy.
185
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Where in your life is.
186
00:12:29,553.33333333 --> 00:12:30,783.33333333
Being adequate.
187
00:12:30,783.33333333 --> 00:12:34,213.33333333
So far from the realm of relevance.
188
00:12:34,843.33333333 --> 00:12:36,73.33333333
That it doesn't fucking matter.
189
00:12:36,103.33333333 --> 00:12:38,913.33333333
Like for me, in my art, making my.
190
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Photographs.
191
00:12:41,373.33333333 --> 00:12:42,813.33333333
Being adequate.
192
00:12:43,443.33333333 --> 00:12:44,583.33333333
Is not even in my.
193
00:12:45,853.33333333 --> 00:12:46,573.33333333
sphere.
194
00:12:47,223.33333333 --> 00:12:49,293.33333333
But when I think about wanting to write.
195
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Wanting to, Create, Spaces and programs and experiences.
196
00:12:54,563.33333333 --> 00:13:03,13.33333333
And that's when I start being feeling like this need to be adequate, be really deeply serving and really blah, blah, blah.
197
00:13:05,833.33333333 --> 00:13:06,703.33333333
I'm over it.
198
00:13:06,763.33333333 --> 00:13:07,153.33333333
Oh my God.
199
00:13:07,153.33333333 --> 00:13:07,843.33333333
I'm so over it.
200
00:13:07,933.33333333 --> 00:13:08,323.33333333
Anyway.
201
00:13:08,953.33333333 --> 00:13:09,673.33333333
Where.
202
00:13:10,423.33333333 --> 00:13:13,993.33333333
Where does that dissipate? Where in your life are you feeling like.
203
00:13:14,563.33333333 --> 00:13:22,663.33333333
You're really working to want to be adequate, to be enough, to be worth it, to be whatever.
204
00:13:25,183.33333333 --> 00:13:34,783.33333333
And how were those two things? The same? Like arguably it's the same fucking shit like me wanting to talk.
205
00:13:35,323.33333333 --> 00:13:38,863.33333333
About photographic practice and you wanting to talk about.
206
00:13:38,863.33333333 --> 00:13:46,383.33333333
Self-expression and the medium of photography for this healing and this blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
207
00:13:48,333.33333333 --> 00:13:51,963.33333333
Is just a different iteration of what I do in my work.
208
00:13:51,993.33333333 --> 00:13:56,433.33333333
It's, it's like the explaining of what I do in my work, but it's not cool to explain.
209
00:13:57,213.33333333 --> 00:14:05,313.33333333
Why you're doing your, or how you do your work or whatever, you know, it's like, Let the work speak for itself.
210
00:14:06,3.33333333 --> 00:14:12,303.33333333
But what if I want to speak? What if I.
211
00:14:14,343.33333333 --> 00:14:15,363.33333333
Once to let.
212
00:14:16,683.33333333 --> 00:14:18,813.33333333
The picture's emboldened me.
213
00:14:19,683.33333333 --> 00:14:20,313.33333333
To speak.
214
00:14:20,793.33333333 --> 00:14:21,903.33333333
My whole life.
215
00:14:22,353.33333333 --> 00:14:25,533.33333333
I've made pictures because I can't say.
216
00:14:28,443.33333333 --> 00:14:29,343.33333333
I don't have the words.
217
00:14:29,343.33333333 --> 00:14:30,333.33333333
I don't know.
218
00:14:31,383.33333333 --> 00:14:32,943.33333333
I don't know where I can't.
219
00:14:33,363.33333333 --> 00:14:34,263.33333333
Say.
220
00:14:34,803.33333333 --> 00:14:35,703.33333333
What I feel.
221
00:14:36,33.33333333 --> 00:14:36,543.33333333
About.
222
00:14:37,803.33333333 --> 00:14:41,43.33333333
People I'm photographing and what I'm photographing.
223
00:14:44,313.33333333 --> 00:14:52,923.33333333
Oh, what if the pictures are trying to help me? And whatever comes to me when I'm looking at the pictures is what I want to say.
224
00:14:55,323.33333333 --> 00:14:58,23.33333333
No matter how redundant or.
225
00:14:59,913.33333333 --> 00:15:01,473.33333333
Obvious or.
226
00:15:07,443.33333333 --> 00:15:10,663.33333333
Unhelpful or as low hanging fruit.
227
00:15:10,683.33333333 --> 00:15:14,293.33333333
Or whatever what the fuck does that matter? It doesn't matter.
228
00:15:15,193.33333333 --> 00:15:16,543.33333333
Doesn't matter.
229
00:15:33,973.33333333 --> 00:15:38,323.33333333
Like it's like, I'm not letting it move through me freely.
230
00:15:39,433.33333333 --> 00:15:40,543.33333333
He like stopped.
231
00:15:40,573.33333333 --> 00:15:41,473.33333333
I think it goes a Manatee.
232
00:15:41,743.33333333 --> 00:15:46,3.33333333
I get like clogged and overthink about.
233
00:15:46,873.33333333 --> 00:15:53,323.33333333
What should be the container and what should be the way that I see this and then doubt myself in what I'm writing and.
234
00:15:54,133.33333333 --> 00:15:54,763.33333333
No.
235
00:15:54,763.33333333 --> 00:15:58,453.33333333
I wanted to write a book for years and I just don't because.
236
00:16:00,193.33333333 --> 00:16:02,263.33333333
But I want to say is just so obvious.
237
00:16:05,723.33333333 --> 00:16:07,333.33333333
I need it to exist.
238
00:16:10,203.33333333 --> 00:16:11,623.33333333
I want to talk about.
239
00:16:13,893.33333333 --> 00:16:15,243.33333333
Autobiographical.
240
00:16:15,813.33333333 --> 00:16:17,193.33333333
Photographic practice.
241
00:16:17,313.33333333 --> 00:16:18,723.33333333
I want to talk about.
242
00:16:18,723.33333333 --> 00:16:20,133.33333333
Psychological.
243
00:16:20,133.33333333 --> 00:16:21,153.33333333
Emotional.
244
00:16:21,153.33333333 --> 00:16:25,713.33333333
Metaphorical experiences that I have in this medium.
245
00:16:28,443.33333333 --> 00:16:29,673.33333333
And help and power.
246
00:16:30,933.33333333 --> 00:16:33,633.33333333
Other people to connect with it wherever they see fit.
247
00:16:34,893.33333333 --> 00:16:38,583.33333333
I think I just need to let go of this.
248
00:16:42,993.3333333 --> 00:16:43,773.3333333
Ironically.
249
00:16:44,223.3333333 --> 00:16:44,943.3333333
Let go.
250
00:16:46,173.3333333 --> 00:16:47,343.3333333
Of this way.
251
00:16:47,343.3333333 --> 00:16:51,483.3333333
Of saying what I'm saying, what I want to say, but then backing off backing off.
252
00:16:51,513.3333333 --> 00:16:54,603.3333333
It's like this dance, it's the same thing as taking a picture.
253
00:16:54,873.3333333 --> 00:16:56,973.3333333
It's like this uncomfortable.
254
00:16:58,593.3333333 --> 00:17:00,693.3333333
Feeling like I can't bear the intimacy.
255
00:17:00,963.3333333 --> 00:17:03,213.3333333
Of what is in front of me and what I want to do.
256
00:17:04,53.3333333 --> 00:17:05,253.3333333
That's my press, the button.
257
00:17:05,673.3333333 --> 00:17:06,243.3333333
Take the picture.
258
00:17:06,303.3333333 --> 00:17:06,783.3333333
There it is.
259
00:17:06,993.3333333 --> 00:17:07,563.3333333
There it is.
260
00:17:07,803.3333333 --> 00:17:08,313.3333333
There it is.
261
00:17:08,673.3333333 --> 00:17:09,273.3333333
Take the picture.
262
00:17:10,263.3333333 --> 00:17:11,613.3333333
I see it and gone.
263
00:17:11,703.3333333 --> 00:17:12,723.3333333
I see it and gone.
264
00:17:12,753.3333333 --> 00:17:16,623.3333333
And only in like the dark hole of my basement where I'm editing.
265
00:17:16,623.3333333 --> 00:17:19,503.3333333
Can I be with it? For just long enough.
266
00:17:19,893.3333333 --> 00:17:23,463.3333333
To edit it in a way that feels like, and I'm massaging it.
267
00:17:23,463.3333333 --> 00:17:25,263.3333333
And I'm like in it, in it.
268
00:17:25,623.3333333 --> 00:17:27,183.3333333
And that's right and gone.
269
00:17:28,923.3333333 --> 00:17:30,363.3333333
And I don't sit with it.
270
00:17:34,863.3333333 --> 00:17:36,843.3333333
I'm not sitting with myself long enough.
271
00:17:37,263.3333333 --> 00:17:38,853.3333333
To let myself right.
272
00:17:39,963.3333333 --> 00:17:41,403.3333333
And write and get it out.
273
00:17:46,713.3333333 --> 00:17:57,963.3333333
What would you do? What would you make? What would you create? What would you feel if you let yourself sit with yourself long enough? If you tolerated.
274
00:17:58,293.3333333 --> 00:18:00,963.3333333
Being still and sitting with yourself.
275
00:18:04,743.3333333 --> 00:18:06,363.3333333
A couple of podcast episodes ago.
276
00:18:06,933.3333333 --> 00:18:12,333.3333333
I shared, um, From the last workshop I went on.
277
00:18:15,693.3333333 --> 00:18:18,813.3333333
One of my one-on-ones with a fellow artist.
278
00:18:19,953.3333333 --> 00:18:20,643.3333333
And writer.
279
00:18:21,123.3333333 --> 00:18:21,603.3333333
Was.
280
00:18:22,683.3333333 --> 00:18:25,863.3333333
Telling me to sit with a picture for an uncomfortable amount of time.
281
00:18:25,893.3333333 --> 00:18:27,693.3333333
Just sit with one picture.
282
00:18:28,113.3333333 --> 00:18:31,503.3333333
Until you hear it until you start to listen to it.
283
00:18:34,373.3333333 --> 00:18:35,573.3333333
I did that before.
284
00:18:36,233.3333333 --> 00:18:37,553.3333333
Hitting record just now.
285
00:18:37,643.3333333 --> 00:18:39,263.3333333
And I was in tears.
286
00:18:39,443.3333333 --> 00:18:39,803.3333333
Like.
287
00:18:41,663.3333333 --> 00:18:43,133.3333333
I sat with this picture.
288
00:18:43,553.3333333 --> 00:18:44,693.3333333
I'm looking at it right now.
289
00:18:47,753.3333333 --> 00:18:49,763.3333333
And every part of it.
290
00:18:50,123.3333333 --> 00:18:52,883.3333333
Zoomed into every quadrant of it.
291
00:18:53,183.3333333 --> 00:18:53,813.3333333
I made.
292
00:18:54,773.3333333 --> 00:19:00,683.3333333
Seven different pictures of this picture through zooming in a different props in the screen.
293
00:19:03,503.3333333 --> 00:19:04,763.3333333
And I just kept thinking.
294
00:19:06,443.3333333 --> 00:19:07,613.3333333
All right here.
295
00:19:08,3.3333333 --> 00:19:08,753.3333333
There it is.
296
00:19:09,413.3333333 --> 00:19:10,133.3333333
There it is.
297
00:19:10,823.3333333 --> 00:19:11,573.3333333
There it is.
298
00:19:12,143.3333333 --> 00:19:15,173.3333333
There it is like, All of it.
299
00:19:24,663.3333333 --> 00:19:27,813.3333333
When you let yourself sit with a picture long enough.
300
00:19:32,673.3333333 --> 00:19:42,63.3333333
You have to end up, I think, I think inevitably if you're with it long enough, You are heart swells.
301
00:19:45,993.3333333 --> 00:19:48,483.3333333
With this knowing of love.
302
00:19:51,693.3333333 --> 00:19:52,353.3333333
Love.
303
00:19:56,313.3333333 --> 00:19:58,833.3333333
Uh, for your subject matter love for what.
304
00:19:59,223.3333333 --> 00:20:01,173.3333333
Your intentions love for your.
305
00:20:03,33.3333333 --> 00:20:05,493.3333333
Creation love for yourself.
306
00:20:10,633.3333333 --> 00:20:12,133.3333333
And what a disservice.
307
00:20:13,333.3333333 --> 00:20:18,853.3333333
To the art, to the creation, to these things that we create that feels so sacred.
308
00:20:21,73.3333333 --> 00:20:22,153.3333333
Then stop.
309
00:20:24,673.3333333 --> 00:20:24,943.3333333
Right.
310
00:20:24,943.3333333 --> 00:20:25,753.3333333
I think about.
311
00:20:26,713.3333333 --> 00:20:30,853.3333333
What these go to graphs in this medium as given to me.
312
00:20:31,153.3333333 --> 00:20:31,993.3333333
And then I think.
313
00:20:33,283.3333333 --> 00:20:36,643.3333333
I'm so worried about looking like I'm not like the most.
314
00:20:38,173.3333333 --> 00:20:39,463.3333333
Original.
315
00:20:40,63.3333333 --> 00:20:45,733.3333333
Um, Articulate, whatever in the world.
316
00:20:45,733.3333333 --> 00:20:47,113.3333333
So I feel like I can't.
317
00:20:47,683.3333333 --> 00:20:50,563.3333333
Express what I want to express.
318
00:20:51,943.3333333 --> 00:20:57,763.3333333
What is that? Well, I'm committing to.
319
00:21:00,793.3333333 --> 00:21:02,123.3333333
Starting a substack.
320
00:21:02,143.3333333 --> 00:21:04,333.3333333
Or I'm forced to sit with the words.
321
00:21:05,953.3333333 --> 00:21:06,643.3333333
Longer.
322
00:21:06,763.3333333 --> 00:21:11,683.3333333
So every podcast episode, We'll end up going on the sub stack.
323
00:21:11,743.3333333 --> 00:21:13,243.3333333
I guess this will be the first one.
324
00:21:14,83.3333333 --> 00:21:15,433.3333333
That will go on the sub stack.
325
00:21:18,363.3333333 --> 00:21:20,313.3333333
Because I'm ready for a new medium.
326
00:21:20,313.3333333 --> 00:21:21,483.3333333
I'm ready for.
327
00:21:23,193.3333333 --> 00:21:25,563.3333333
To meet myself.
328
00:21:26,703.3333333 --> 00:21:27,993.3333333
And take a Baton.
329
00:21:29,493.3333333 --> 00:21:30,573.3333333
And then keep going.
330
00:21:30,903.3333333 --> 00:21:39,273.3333333
Because not that I'm leaving photography by any means, but like, This whole press the button and release, press release, press and release.
331
00:21:44,193.3333333 --> 00:21:46,593.3333333
I'm feeling the call to.
332
00:21:47,373.3333333 --> 00:21:48,273.3333333
Really.
333
00:21:48,273.3333333 --> 00:21:51,453.3333333
I dig my heels into this.
334
00:21:52,53.3333333 --> 00:21:52,833.3333333
Like okay.
335
00:21:54,663.3333333 --> 00:21:59,363.3333333
Um, got the picture and now I'm going to let myself go with it wherever the fuck I want.
336
00:22:02,633.3333333 --> 00:22:05,303.3333333
And not be afraid of what it looks like or.
337
00:22:07,523.3333333 --> 00:22:09,713.3333333
Just let stupid shit get in the way.
338
00:22:15,773.3333333 --> 00:22:17,63.3333333
It's way too important.
339
00:22:22,373.3333333 --> 00:22:23,63.3333333
There you have it.
340
00:22:23,63.3333333 --> 00:22:30,293.3333333
You have my biggest, um, Gosh, I wonder what it's gonna feel like to post.
341
00:22:33,83.3333333 --> 00:22:33,863.3333333
I don't know if I've even.
342
00:22:33,893.3333333 --> 00:22:35,183.3333333
I never said that before.
343
00:22:36,653.3333333 --> 00:22:46,463.3333333
Because once again, because I, I still let myself say what I want to say, like in bursts, in no on Instagram or Anna caption or whatever.
344
00:22:46,793.3333333 --> 00:22:47,933.3333333
But I always feel like.
345
00:22:48,743.3333333 --> 00:22:49,163.3333333
Afterwards.
346
00:22:49,583.3333333 --> 00:22:52,343.3333333
It's not like, well, duh or like, yeah.
347
00:22:52,883.3333333 --> 00:22:54,353.3333333
No shit Sherlock.
348
00:22:55,543.3333333 --> 00:22:56,653.3333333
cause I know.
349
00:22:57,373.3333333 --> 00:23:01,183.3333333
It's so many of the people I know and love and fellow artists already know all of this.
350
00:23:01,213.3333333 --> 00:23:02,113.3333333
I'm not trying.
351
00:23:02,413.3333333 --> 00:23:05,263.3333333
I think that's the thing it's like, I'm not trying to.
352
00:23:06,783.3333333 --> 00:23:09,573.3333333
Teach someone something new.
353
00:23:11,403.3333333 --> 00:23:12,933.3333333
Just reminding.
354
00:23:14,283.3333333 --> 00:23:18,603.3333333
I need to be reminded of the most important things like ever all the time.
355
00:23:20,793.3333333 --> 00:23:23,523.3333333
All the time I need to be reminded.
356
00:23:27,823.3333333 --> 00:23:28,633.3333333
Like saying.
357
00:23:31,493.3333333 --> 00:23:34,913.3333333
Someone's walking down a step and I'm like, well, they know how to walk down a step.
358
00:23:36,173.3333333 --> 00:23:37,703.3333333
But they might not see that stuff.
359
00:23:38,423.3333333 --> 00:23:39,293.3333333
Oh, watch your step.
360
00:23:40,13.3333333 --> 00:23:40,283.3333333
Like.
361
00:23:41,63.3333333 --> 00:23:42,563.3333333
What's wrong with that? What.
362
00:23:46,73.3333333 --> 00:23:47,663.3333333
Um, processing in real time.
363
00:23:47,663.3333333 --> 00:23:48,773.3333333
I really hope it's helpful.
364
00:23:49,253.3333333 --> 00:23:51,203.3333333
Um, Well, see, there you go again.
365
00:23:58,103.3333333 --> 00:23:58,373.3333333
Fuck.
366
00:23:58,373.3333333 --> 00:23:58,883.3333333
I want.
367
00:23:59,273.3333333 --> 00:24:02,633.3333333
It's like, um, There's a meme.
368
00:24:06,713.3333333 --> 00:24:08,633.3333333
Like people pleasing or whatever you call 9 1 1.
369
00:24:08,633.3333333 --> 00:24:13,463.3333333
And you're like, I, how are you doing today? In your own emergency.
370
00:24:13,463.3333333 --> 00:24:18,173.3333333
Hi, how are you? Um, Sorry to bother you, but.
371
00:24:19,823.3333333 --> 00:24:21,23.3333333
I'm having an emergency.
372
00:24:28,973.3333333 --> 00:24:33,953.3333333
There's a lot more to unpack here, but I literally have to start packing to leave and to go home.
373
00:24:34,703.3333333 --> 00:24:37,793.3333333
Um, my kids are starting school.
374
00:24:38,693.3333333 --> 00:24:40,853.3333333
I don't even know what the hell that is going to.
375
00:24:41,363.3333333 --> 00:24:42,173.3333333
Oh, my gosh.
376
00:24:43,463.3333333 --> 00:24:45,23.3333333
I don't even know what I think about this.
377
00:24:45,263.3333333 --> 00:24:47,33.3333333
Um, devastated and also.
378
00:24:47,873.3333333 --> 00:24:48,323.3333333
I don't know.
379
00:24:50,243.3333333 --> 00:24:52,373.3333333
I know it's important and I know.
380
00:24:52,883.3333333 --> 00:24:57,803.3333333
It's just going to be a whole new chapter and, um, I'm ready to move into it.
381
00:24:59,513.3333333 --> 00:25:00,413.3333333
With less.
382
00:25:01,103.3333333 --> 00:25:02,903.3333333
Of my heaviness.
383
00:25:03,53.3333333 --> 00:25:07,793.3333333
We're ready to move into lightness and dare I say playfulness.
384
00:25:09,413.3333333 --> 00:25:13,13.3333333
Trying to step away from the identity that I don't know what the word play or fund means.
385
00:25:13,793.3333333 --> 00:25:18,863.3333333
Um, So please, whatever.
386
00:25:21,113.3333333 --> 00:25:23,543.3333333
Whatever you take from this.
387
00:25:26,23.3333333 --> 00:25:27,223.3333333
Take it with my love.
388
00:25:30,523.3333333 --> 00:25:31,573.3333333
Whatever it is.
389
00:25:32,773.3333333 --> 00:25:33,973.3333333
Like you're struggling with.
390
00:25:35,113.3333333 --> 00:25:36,133.3333333
And so enough.
391
00:25:37,843.3333333 --> 00:25:38,623.3333333
That's enough.
392
00:25:40,573.3333333 --> 00:25:41,173.3333333
Okay.
393
00:25:41,983.3333333 --> 00:25:42,793.3333333
That's enough of that.
394
00:25:42,883.3333333 --> 00:25:43,333.3333333
Okay.
395
00:25:44,683.3333333 --> 00:25:45,133.3333333
All right.
396
00:25:49,123.3333333 --> 00:25:51,43.3333333
I've just shared something the other day.
397
00:25:51,73.3333333 --> 00:25:52,483.3333333
I'll close with this because.
398
00:25:52,483.3333333 --> 00:25:53,323.3333333
It's hilarious.
399
00:25:56,503.3333333 --> 00:25:58,423.3333333
So the anxiety is so fucking embarrassing.
400
00:25:58,963.3333333 --> 00:25:59,443.3333333
Oh, no.
401
00:25:59,443.3333333 --> 00:26:02,473.3333333
What if something happens? It's crazy.
402
00:26:03,613.3333333 --> 00:26:04,543.3333333
Oh, no.
403
00:26:04,573.3333333 --> 00:26:07,813.3333333
What if this is wrong? Oh, no.
404
00:26:07,873.3333333 --> 00:26:08,713.3333333
What if this is.
405
00:26:09,433.3333333 --> 00:26:10,123.3333333
Embarrassing.
406
00:26:10,153.3333333 --> 00:26:10,573.3333333
Oh, no.
407
00:26:10,603.3333333 --> 00:26:15,253.3333333
What if this is redundant? What does someone like already.
408
00:26:15,673.3333333 --> 00:26:19,363.3333333
Totally knows this, and I'm just saying it so obvious.
409
00:26:21,103.3333333 --> 00:26:22,3.3333333
Fucking stupid.
410
00:26:22,543.3333333 --> 00:26:22,843.3333333
Okay.
411
00:26:22,843.3333333 --> 00:26:23,773.3333333
I can't keep talking.
412
00:26:23,773.3333333 --> 00:26:27,313.3333333
I'm just going to get more and more annoyed at myself, but this is helpful, right? This is helpful.
413
00:26:27,493.3333333 --> 00:26:34,903.3333333
So you don't loud say the thing that you're so, so worried about out loud, speak it, deflate it, put it in the air and let it dissipate.
414
00:26:36,163.3333333 --> 00:26:36,523.3333333
All right.
415
00:26:37,483.3333333 --> 00:26:38,383.3333333
I got to run.
416
00:26:39,373.3333333 --> 00:26:39,583.3333333
Okay.
417
00:26:39,613.3333333 --> 00:26:40,423.3333333
Catch you next week.
418
00:26:41,415.1333333 --> 00:26:44,635.1333333
This has been an Awkward Sage Production.
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,720.00000000003
Let go.
2
00:00:01,950 --> 00:00:03,119.9999999999
Of this way.
3
00:00:03,119.9999999999 --> 00:00:06,669.9999999996
Of saying what I want to say, but then backing off backing off.
4
00:00:06,699.9999999996 --> 00:00:09,789.9999999997
It's like this dance, it's the same thing as taking a picture.
5
00:00:10,060 --> 00:00:12,160
It's like this uncomfortable.
6
00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:14,260
Feeling like I can't bear the intimacy.
7
00:00:14,530 --> 00:00:16,780
Of what is in front of me and what I want to do.
8
00:00:17,619.999999999 --> 00:00:18,819.999999999
That's my press, the button.
9
00:00:19,240 --> 00:00:19,809.999999999
Take the picture.
10
00:00:19,869.999999999 --> 00:00:20,349.999999999
There it is.
11
00:00:20,559.999999999 --> 00:00:21,129.999999999
There it is.
12
00:00:21,369.999999999 --> 00:00:21,879.999999999
There it is.
13
00:00:22,240 --> 00:00:22,839.999999999
Take the picture.
14
00:00:23,829.999999999 --> 00:00:25,180
I see it and gone.
15
00:00:25,270 --> 00:00:26,290
I see it and gone.
16
00:00:26,319.999999999 --> 00:00:30,190
And only in like the dark hole of my basement where I'm editing.
17
00:00:30,190 --> 00:00:33,69.999999999
Can I be with it? For just long enough.
18
00:00:33,460 --> 00:00:37,030
To edit it in a way that feels like, and I'm massaging it.
19
00:00:37,030 --> 00:00:38,829.999999999
And I'm like in it, in it.
20
00:00:39,190 --> 00:00:40,750
And that's right and gone.
21
00:00:42,490 --> 00:00:43,930
And I don't sit with it.
22
00:00:48,430 --> 00:00:50,410
I'm not sitting with myself long enough.
23
00:00:50,829.999999999 --> 00:00:52,420
To let myself right.
24
00:00:52,420 --> 00:00:53,260
And get it out.
25
00:00:55,360 --> 00:01:06,610
What would you do? What would you make? What would you create? What would you feel if you let yourself sit with yourself long enough? If you tolerated.
26
00:01:06,940 --> 00:01:09,610
Being still and sitting with yourself.
27
00:03:15,83.33333333 --> 00:03:17,333.33333333
Hello, and welcome to another episode of help me see.
28
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Today, I'm coming to you from.
29
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The last morning of this delicious.
30
00:03:24,383.33333333 --> 00:03:26,633.33333333
Creative self-lead retreat.
31
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Uh, weekend that I've done with two of my dear friends, uh, we decided to come.
32
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A few hours away from home and have some.
33
00:03:38,33.33333333 --> 00:03:41,843.33333333
Relaxation time, some creative work time, some connection time.
34
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And, um, I'm reminded again of the importance of space.
35
00:03:48,903.33333333 --> 00:04:02,733.33333333
And how, like leading up to coming here, I was feeling really guilty and a lot of, uh, Like wavering of, I mean, it was always coming, but I was like, is this the right thing? Like my kids were going to school.
36
00:04:03,273.33333333 --> 00:04:04,623.33333333
Uh, in the next.
37
00:04:05,253.33333333 --> 00:04:06,363.33333333
Week or so.
38
00:04:06,873.33333333 --> 00:04:09,3.33333333
And then I decided that.
39
00:04:10,293.33333333 --> 00:04:13,233.33333333
there's no quoting being half here and half there, which has been.
40
00:04:14,133.33333333 --> 00:04:14,883.33333333
Uh, normal.
41
00:04:16,113.33333333 --> 00:04:16,983.33333333
Default.
42
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Mode I don't like being in the middle, but then I ended up.
43
00:04:24,223.33333333 --> 00:04:25,453.33333333
Being in the middle.
44
00:04:25,903.33333333 --> 00:04:28,423.33333333
Where I feel the need to.
45
00:04:29,873.33333333 --> 00:04:32,33.33333333
Be in both worlds at once.
46
00:04:34,373.33333333 --> 00:04:38,963.33333333
I came here with my natural inclination to.
47
00:04:39,263.33333333 --> 00:04:41,423.33333333
I get so much done.
48
00:04:42,953.33333333 --> 00:04:44,123.33333333
We do so much.
49
00:04:44,153.33333333 --> 00:04:57,233.33333333
This is time and space to create, create, create, but what do I create? What do you create in this precious time by yourself? Time to yourself, undisturbed with grownups.
50
00:04:57,233.33333333 --> 00:05:04,373.33333333
What do you do? What do you do with that? So I spend a lot of time.
51
00:05:05,153.33333333 --> 00:05:05,933.33333333
Panicking.
52
00:05:07,43.33333333 --> 00:05:15,13.33333333
Well, I'd like to, I do, what do I focus on? There's so much I want to do, but what do I do? What do I do? It's funny because.
53
00:05:18,163.33333333 --> 00:05:21,73.33333333
When I finally just let myself do what I want to do.
54
00:05:22,993.33333333 --> 00:05:24,763.33333333
All it was, was editing photos.
55
00:05:27,553.33333333 --> 00:05:29,443.33333333
I just wanted to edit some photos.
56
00:05:30,523.33333333 --> 00:05:33,523.33333333
The photos I edited in particular were, um, pictures.
57
00:05:33,523.33333333 --> 00:05:37,123.33333333
I took of my family on our beach trip that we took a few months ago.
58
00:05:37,123.33333333 --> 00:05:37,723.33333333
And.
59
00:05:38,633.33333333 --> 00:05:40,643.33333333
I think the reason why my favorite.
60
00:05:40,643.33333333 --> 00:05:45,413.33333333
Place to be in ever is like with my photos and editing and.
61
00:05:46,193.33333333 --> 00:05:47,573.33333333
Being in that world.
62
00:05:48,233.33333333 --> 00:05:49,793.33333333
And locked in is because.
63
00:05:50,693.33333333 --> 00:05:52,73.33333333
In that world.
64
00:05:53,543.33333333 --> 00:05:54,953.33333333
There is no.
65
00:05:54,953.33333333 --> 00:05:56,273.33333333
Questioning.
66
00:05:57,713.33333333 --> 00:06:02,783.33333333
There's no questioning my S like myself and like doubt and ego and.
67
00:06:03,383.33333333 --> 00:06:05,273.33333333
Oh, Am I.
68
00:06:05,393.33333333 --> 00:06:06,803.33333333
Like no insecurities.
69
00:06:06,803.33333333 --> 00:06:08,573.33333333
It's just me.
70
00:06:09,443.33333333 --> 00:06:10,163.33333333
And the work.
71
00:06:10,403.33333333 --> 00:06:12,863.33333333
Me and the world's me and the pictures.
72
00:06:13,793.33333333 --> 00:06:17,3.33333333
Literally like no one's opinion matters.
73
00:06:17,263.33333333 --> 00:06:19,513.33333333
I don't even think of my opinion of what it is.
74
00:06:19,573.33333333 --> 00:06:20,443.33333333
I just move.
75
00:06:21,463.33333333 --> 00:06:22,33.33333333
And.
76
00:06:24,883.33333333 --> 00:06:26,443.33333333
Then the intense.
77
00:06:26,953.33333333 --> 00:06:30,613.33333333
Contrast of the feeling in my body.
78
00:06:31,333.33333333 --> 00:06:32,293.33333333
And my heart.
79
00:06:32,833.33333333 --> 00:06:34,123.33333333
And my mind when I'm.
80
00:06:35,893.33333333 --> 00:06:38,83.33333333
In that space versus.
81
00:06:39,373.33333333 --> 00:06:41,353.33333333
So much of the rest of my life.
82
00:06:42,193.33333333 --> 00:06:42,973.33333333
Is.
83
00:06:42,973.33333333 --> 00:06:43,963.33333333
It's significant.
84
00:06:44,193.33333333 --> 00:06:44,793.33333333
It's.
85
00:06:44,793.33333333 --> 00:06:46,533.33333333
Definitely a mirror for.
86
00:06:47,633.33333333 --> 00:06:48,413.33333333
Clarity.
87
00:06:50,803.33333333 --> 00:06:53,683.33333333
I'd actually like to share my biggest.
88
00:06:55,423.33333333 --> 00:06:56,473.33333333
Insecurity.
89
00:06:56,893.33333333 --> 00:06:58,123.33333333
My biggest.
90
00:06:59,533.33333333 --> 00:07:06,613.33333333
Um, Thing that I find that I get like squirreled up on.
91
00:07:07,633.33333333 --> 00:07:24,573.33333333
When it comes to sharing what I want to share and like my creations in the world in terms of like, What do I want to do with all this, creating containers and talking about philosophical? Practice and all of that.
92
00:07:25,503.33333333 --> 00:07:25,923.33333333
I have.
93
00:07:26,403.33333333 --> 00:07:26,943.33333333
This.
94
00:07:27,453.33333333 --> 00:07:28,443.33333333
Really.
95
00:07:28,833.33333333 --> 00:07:30,33.33333333
Frustrating.
96
00:07:31,383.33333333 --> 00:07:34,833.33333333
Fear and insecurity around the fact that I'm redundant.
97
00:07:36,333.33333333 --> 00:07:37,233.33333333
It feels like.
98
00:07:38,253.33333333 --> 00:07:41,643.33333333
Redundant for me to say a lot of the things that I say and.
99
00:07:43,713.33333333 --> 00:07:46,293.33333333
But I have this compulsion to talk about it.
100
00:07:46,353.33333333 --> 00:07:48,393.33333333
I have this compulsion to want to.
101
00:07:49,83.33333333 --> 00:07:50,643.33333333
Say the things I'm saying, which is that.
102
00:07:51,63.33333333 --> 00:07:52,233.33333333
And I do.
103
00:07:52,743.33333333 --> 00:07:54,123.33333333
And this is the thing that.
104
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I feel like it has enabled me to move on for years and years and not resolve this because it doesn't stop me.
105
00:08:02,103.33333333 --> 00:08:03,993.33333333
From acting per se.
106
00:08:04,233.33333333 --> 00:08:06,783.33333333
Don't stop me from actually creating something.
107
00:08:07,623.33333333 --> 00:08:15,903.33333333
But it Def it's like anchor and I'm like kicking and kicking to like suck some air and it just holding me down.
108
00:08:16,113.33333333 --> 00:08:19,23.33333333
Keeps it, it makes it so much harder than it needs to be.
109
00:08:21,883.33333333 --> 00:08:23,83.33333333
A friend of mine.
110
00:08:23,83.33333333 --> 00:08:26,673.33333333
Looked up the definition of philosopher.
111
00:08:27,963.33333333 --> 00:08:28,593.33333333
And.
112
00:08:30,63.33333333 --> 00:08:31,233.33333333
It highlighted.
113
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The fact that philosophers aren't really concerned with having answers.
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They're concerned with.
115
00:08:39,3.33333333 --> 00:08:40,833.33333333
Asking really good questions.
116
00:08:40,833.33333333 --> 00:08:42,63.33333333
And this.
117
00:08:43,53.33333333 --> 00:08:45,303.33333333
Constant seeking of understanding.
118
00:08:47,223.33333333 --> 00:08:51,903.33333333
And I was like, oh, I could get down with that.
119
00:08:51,993.33333333 --> 00:08:53,733.33333333
I could, I could agree with that.
120
00:08:54,183.33333333 --> 00:08:55,503.33333333
That takes the pressure off.
121
00:08:57,603.33333333 --> 00:08:59,853.33333333
What pressure of what pressure.
122
00:09:00,393.33333333 --> 00:09:02,643.33333333
To say something that no one's ever heard before.
123
00:09:05,253.33333333 --> 00:09:06,723.33333333
Y what, what.
124
00:09:08,673.33333333 --> 00:09:11,373.33333333
Why would you task yourself with something? So.
125
00:09:13,263.33333333 --> 00:09:14,433.33333333
Egoic something.
126
00:09:14,433.33333333 --> 00:09:15,93.33333333
So.
127
00:09:16,843.33333333 --> 00:09:22,63.33333333
futile That's like saying.
128
00:09:22,933.33333333 --> 00:09:25,393.33333333
Don't bother making art because Everything's been made.
129
00:09:25,393.33333333 --> 00:09:29,653.33333333
So why bother? It's not the point.
130
00:09:30,43.33333333 --> 00:09:32,293.33333333
The thing that's made, isn't really the point.
131
00:09:33,13.33333333 --> 00:09:33,733.33333333
Although it's.
132
00:09:34,513.33333333 --> 00:09:35,233.33333333
Incredible.
133
00:09:36,613.33333333 --> 00:09:37,843.33333333
It's what happens.
134
00:09:38,83.33333333 --> 00:09:42,283.33333333
Like in that exchange, in that energy, in that creation.
135
00:09:43,153.33333333 --> 00:09:43,753.33333333
And.
136
00:09:46,753.33333333 --> 00:09:48,823.33333333
Why am I so worried about.
137
00:09:49,993.33333333 --> 00:09:55,843.33333333
Saying something that's like not helpful or not useful or redundant.
138
00:09:56,233.33333333 --> 00:09:57,373.33333333
Um, annoying.
139
00:09:57,823.33333333 --> 00:09:58,333.33333333
Or.
140
00:10:00,703.33333333 --> 00:10:01,633.33333333
I want to say it.
141
00:10:03,403.33333333 --> 00:10:05,173.33333333
Say something that's too obvious.
142
00:10:05,203.33333333 --> 00:10:06,703.33333333
I'm like, oh, there's just so obvious.
143
00:10:07,93.33333333 --> 00:10:07,693.33333333
I don't care.
144
00:10:08,473.33333333 --> 00:10:10,843.33333333
Some of the most life-changing.
145
00:10:12,973.33333333 --> 00:10:13,963.33333333
Helpful.
146
00:10:15,463.33333333 --> 00:10:18,823.33333333
Realizations I've had in my life were so obvious.
147
00:10:20,23.33333333 --> 00:10:21,733.33333333
But I just didn't.
148
00:10:25,453.33333333 --> 00:10:26,173.33333333
Grabbed them.
149
00:10:26,203.33333333 --> 00:10:27,583.33333333
I didn't, it didn't.
150
00:10:28,873.33333333 --> 00:10:33,943.33333333
Register in my mind until, you know, my 34th year of life or whatever.
151
00:10:34,183.33333333 --> 00:10:36,43.33333333
Oh, now I realize that.
152
00:10:36,673.33333333 --> 00:10:38,653.33333333
In my world, fear equals love.
153
00:10:39,223.33333333 --> 00:10:42,553.33333333
Like in my hole in my life, up until this point, fear means love.
154
00:10:43,723.33333333 --> 00:10:45,73.33333333
It's so obvious.
155
00:10:45,763.33333333 --> 00:10:46,273.33333333
But I didn't.
156
00:10:46,663.33333333 --> 00:10:47,383.33333333
Fucking.
157
00:10:48,283.33333333 --> 00:10:49,33.33333333
Internalize.
158
00:10:49,33.33333333 --> 00:10:49,723.33333333
I didn't.
159
00:10:52,483.33333333 --> 00:10:53,653.33333333
Swallow it and.
160
00:10:53,773.33333333 --> 00:10:55,33.33333333
Let it digest.
161
00:10:55,33.33333333 --> 00:10:55,903.33333333
I didn't chew it.
162
00:10:55,993.33333333 --> 00:10:57,433.33333333
The saliva didn't like.
163
00:10:57,943.33333333 --> 00:11:04,303.33333333
Grab the understanding and the nutrients and my body didn't expel the poison of it.
164
00:11:05,893.33333333 --> 00:11:09,493.33333333
Because it just didn't land until it landed.
165
00:11:12,973.33333333 --> 00:11:20,543.33333333
I'm so fucking tired of this filter of like, In order to take up space and to say what I want to say.
166
00:11:20,593.33333333 --> 00:11:21,823.33333333
I better make sure.
167
00:11:22,903.33333333 --> 00:11:23,773.33333333
It's good.
168
00:11:23,893.33333333 --> 00:11:25,693.33333333
I better make sure it's actually helpful.
169
00:11:25,693.33333333 --> 00:11:28,513.33333333
I better make sure that it's actually interesting.
170
00:11:31,183.33333333 --> 00:11:32,893.33333333
I don't give a fuck.
171
00:11:33,463.33333333 --> 00:11:36,13.33333333
If you think my pictures of my family.
172
00:11:37,3.33333333 --> 00:11:39,13.33333333
Are good or bad.
173
00:11:39,463.33333333 --> 00:11:39,973.33333333
Are.
174
00:11:40,663.33333333 --> 00:11:44,173.33333333
Boring are too dark are over.
175
00:11:44,173.33333333 --> 00:11:46,933.33333333
Edited are at it.
176
00:11:47,743.33333333 --> 00:11:49,123.33333333
Does not.
177
00:11:49,813.33333333 --> 00:11:50,383.33333333
Matter.
178
00:11:53,563.33333333 --> 00:11:56,473.33333333
Why is my voice? Different than that.
179
00:11:56,593.33333333 --> 00:11:58,573.33333333
Like, this is just another version of my voice.
180
00:11:58,573.33333333 --> 00:11:59,503.33333333
Why is.
181
00:12:02,803.33333333 --> 00:12:06,993.33333333
My impulse and my compulsion to write.
182
00:12:08,483.33333333 --> 00:12:09,863.33333333
Tainted by.
183
00:12:11,813.33333333 --> 00:12:12,893.33333333
This feeling of.
184
00:12:16,283.33333333 --> 00:12:17,363.33333333
Inadequacy.
185
00:12:25,953.33333333 --> 00:12:27,873.33333333
Where in your life is.
186
00:12:29,553.33333333 --> 00:12:30,783.33333333
Being adequate.
187
00:12:30,783.33333333 --> 00:12:34,213.33333333
So far from the realm of relevance.
188
00:12:34,843.33333333 --> 00:12:36,73.33333333
That it doesn't fucking matter.
189
00:12:36,103.33333333 --> 00:12:38,913.33333333
Like for me, in my art, making my.
190
00:12:39,723.33333333 --> 00:12:40,413.33333333
Photographs.
191
00:12:41,373.33333333 --> 00:12:42,813.33333333
Being adequate.
192
00:12:43,443.33333333 --> 00:12:44,583.33333333
Is not even in my.
193
00:12:45,853.33333333 --> 00:12:46,573.33333333
sphere.
194
00:12:47,223.33333333 --> 00:12:49,293.33333333
But when I think about wanting to write.
195
00:12:49,563.33333333 --> 00:12:54,563.33333333
Wanting to, Create, Spaces and programs and experiences.
196
00:12:54,563.33333333 --> 00:13:03,13.33333333
And that's when I start being feeling like this need to be adequate, be really deeply serving and really blah, blah, blah.
197
00:13:05,833.33333333 --> 00:13:06,703.33333333
I'm over it.
198
00:13:06,763.33333333 --> 00:13:07,153.33333333
Oh my God.
199
00:13:07,153.33333333 --> 00:13:07,843.33333333
I'm so over it.
200
00:13:07,933.33333333 --> 00:13:08,323.33333333
Anyway.
201
00:13:08,953.33333333 --> 00:13:09,673.33333333
Where.
202
00:13:10,423.33333333 --> 00:13:13,993.33333333
Where does that dissipate? Where in your life are you feeling like.
203
00:13:14,563.33333333 --> 00:13:22,663.33333333
You're really working to want to be adequate, to be enough, to be worth it, to be whatever.
204
00:13:25,183.33333333 --> 00:13:34,783.33333333
And how were those two things? The same? Like arguably it's the same fucking shit like me wanting to talk.
205
00:13:35,323.33333333 --> 00:13:38,863.33333333
About photographic practice and you wanting to talk about.
206
00:13:38,863.33333333 --> 00:13:46,383.33333333
Self-expression and the medium of photography for this healing and this blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
207
00:13:48,333.33333333 --> 00:13:51,963.33333333
Is just a different iteration of what I do in my work.
208
00:13:51,993.33333333 --> 00:13:56,433.33333333
It's, it's like the explaining of what I do in my work, but it's not cool to explain.
209
00:13:57,213.33333333 --> 00:14:05,313.33333333
Why you're doing your, or how you do your work or whatever, you know, it's like, Let the work speak for itself.
210
00:14:06,3.33333333 --> 00:14:12,303.33333333
But what if I want to speak? What if I.
211
00:14:14,343.33333333 --> 00:14:15,363.33333333
Once to let.
212
00:14:16,683.33333333 --> 00:14:18,813.33333333
The picture's emboldened me.
213
00:14:19,683.33333333 --> 00:14:20,313.33333333
To speak.
214
00:14:20,793.33333333 --> 00:14:21,903.33333333
My whole life.
215
00:14:22,353.33333333 --> 00:14:25,533.33333333
I've made pictures because I can't say.
216
00:14:28,443.33333333 --> 00:14:29,343.33333333
I don't have the words.
217
00:14:29,343.33333333 --> 00:14:30,333.33333333
I don't know.
218
00:14:31,383.33333333 --> 00:14:32,943.33333333
I don't know where I can't.
219
00:14:33,363.33333333 --> 00:14:34,263.33333333
Say.
220
00:14:34,803.33333333 --> 00:14:35,703.33333333
What I feel.
221
00:14:36,33.33333333 --> 00:14:36,543.33333333
About.
222
00:14:37,803.33333333 --> 00:14:41,43.33333333
People I'm photographing and what I'm photographing.
223
00:14:44,313.33333333 --> 00:14:52,923.33333333
Oh, what if the pictures are trying to help me? And whatever comes to me when I'm looking at the pictures is what I want to say.
224
00:14:55,323.33333333 --> 00:14:58,23.33333333
No matter how redundant or.
225
00:14:59,913.33333333 --> 00:15:01,473.33333333
Obvious or.
226
00:15:07,443.33333333 --> 00:15:10,663.33333333
Unhelpful or as low hanging fruit.
227
00:15:10,683.33333333 --> 00:15:14,293.33333333
Or whatever what the fuck does that matter? It doesn't matter.
228
00:15:15,193.33333333 --> 00:15:16,543.33333333
Doesn't matter.
229
00:15:33,973.33333333 --> 00:15:38,323.33333333
Like it's like, I'm not letting it move through me freely.
230
00:15:39,433.33333333 --> 00:15:40,543.33333333
He like stopped.
231
00:15:40,573.33333333 --> 00:15:41,473.33333333
I think it goes a Manatee.
232
00:15:41,743.33333333 --> 00:15:46,3.33333333
I get like clogged and overthink about.
233
00:15:46,873.33333333 --> 00:15:53,323.33333333
What should be the container and what should be the way that I see this and then doubt myself in what I'm writing and.
234
00:15:54,133.33333333 --> 00:15:54,763.33333333
No.
235
00:15:54,763.33333333 --> 00:15:58,453.33333333
I wanted to write a book for years and I just don't because.
236
00:16:00,193.33333333 --> 00:16:02,263.33333333
But I want to say is just so obvious.
237
00:16:05,723.33333333 --> 00:16:07,333.33333333
I need it to exist.
238
00:16:10,203.33333333 --> 00:16:11,623.33333333
I want to talk about.
239
00:16:13,893.33333333 --> 00:16:15,243.33333333
Autobiographical.
240
00:16:15,813.33333333 --> 00:16:17,193.33333333
Photographic practice.
241
00:16:17,313.33333333 --> 00:16:18,723.33333333
I want to talk about.
242
00:16:18,723.33333333 --> 00:16:20,133.33333333
Psychological.
243
00:16:20,133.33333333 --> 00:16:21,153.33333333
Emotional.
244
00:16:21,153.33333333 --> 00:16:25,713.33333333
Metaphorical experiences that I have in this medium.
245
00:16:28,443.33333333 --> 00:16:29,673.33333333
And help and power.
246
00:16:30,933.33333333 --> 00:16:33,633.33333333
Other people to connect with it wherever they see fit.
247
00:16:34,893.33333333 --> 00:16:38,583.33333333
I think I just need to let go of this.
248
00:16:42,993.3333333 --> 00:16:43,773.3333333
Ironically.
249
00:16:44,223.3333333 --> 00:16:44,943.3333333
Let go.
250
00:16:46,173.3333333 --> 00:16:47,343.3333333
Of this way.
251
00:16:47,343.3333333 --> 00:16:51,483.3333333
Of saying what I'm saying, what I want to say, but then backing off backing off.
252
00:16:51,513.3333333 --> 00:16:54,603.3333333
It's like this dance, it's the same thing as taking a picture.
253
00:16:54,873.3333333 --> 00:16:56,973.3333333
It's like this uncomfortable.
254
00:16:58,593.3333333 --> 00:17:00,693.3333333
Feeling like I can't bear the intimacy.
255
00:17:00,963.3333333 --> 00:17:03,213.3333333
Of what is in front of me and what I want to do.
256
00:17:04,53.3333333 --> 00:17:05,253.3333333
That's my press, the button.
257
00:17:05,673.3333333 --> 00:17:06,243.3333333
Take the picture.
258
00:17:06,303.3333333 --> 00:17:06,783.3333333
There it is.
259
00:17:06,993.3333333 --> 00:17:07,563.3333333
There it is.
260
00:17:07,803.3333333 --> 00:17:08,313.3333333
There it is.
261
00:17:08,673.3333333 --> 00:17:09,273.3333333
Take the picture.
262
00:17:10,263.3333333 --> 00:17:11,613.3333333
I see it and gone.
263
00:17:11,703.3333333 --> 00:17:12,723.3333333
I see it and gone.
264
00:17:12,753.3333333 --> 00:17:16,623.3333333
And only in like the dark hole of my basement where I'm editing.
265
00:17:16,623.3333333 --> 00:17:19,503.3333333
Can I be with it? For just long enough.
266
00:17:19,893.3333333 --> 00:17:23,463.3333333
To edit it in a way that feels like, and I'm massaging it.
267
00:17:23,463.3333333 --> 00:17:25,263.3333333
And I'm like in it, in it.
268
00:17:25,623.3333333 --> 00:17:27,183.3333333
And that's right and gone.
269
00:17:28,923.3333333 --> 00:17:30,363.3333333
And I don't sit with it.
270
00:17:34,863.3333333 --> 00:17:36,843.3333333
I'm not sitting with myself long enough.
271
00:17:37,263.3333333 --> 00:17:38,853.3333333
To let myself right.
272
00:17:39,963.3333333 --> 00:17:41,403.3333333
And write and get it out.
273
00:17:46,713.3333333 --> 00:17:57,963.3333333
What would you do? What would you make? What would you create? What would you feel if you let yourself sit with yourself long enough? If you tolerated.
274
00:17:58,293.3333333 --> 00:18:00,963.3333333
Being still and sitting with yourself.
275
00:18:04,743.3333333 --> 00:18:06,363.3333333
A couple of podcast episodes ago.
276
00:18:06,933.3333333 --> 00:18:12,333.3333333
I shared, um, From the last workshop I went on.
277
00:18:15,693.3333333 --> 00:18:18,813.3333333
One of my one-on-ones with a fellow artist.
278
00:18:19,953.3333333 --> 00:18:20,643.3333333
And writer.
279
00:18:21,123.3333333 --> 00:18:21,603.3333333
Was.
280
00:18:22,683.3333333 --> 00:18:25,863.3333333
Telling me to sit with a picture for an uncomfortable amount of time.
281
00:18:25,893.3333333 --> 00:18:27,693.3333333
Just sit with one picture.
282
00:18:28,113.3333333 --> 00:18:31,503.3333333
Until you hear it until you start to listen to it.
283
00:18:34,373.3333333 --> 00:18:35,573.3333333
I did that before.
284
00:18:36,233.3333333 --> 00:18:37,553.3333333
Hitting record just now.
285
00:18:37,643.3333333 --> 00:18:39,263.3333333
And I was in tears.
286
00:18:39,443.3333333 --> 00:18:39,803.3333333
Like.
287
00:18:41,663.3333333 --> 00:18:43,133.3333333
I sat with this picture.
288
00:18:43,553.3333333 --> 00:18:44,693.3333333
I'm looking at it right now.
289
00:18:47,753.3333333 --> 00:18:49,763.3333333
And every part of it.
290
00:18:50,123.3333333 --> 00:18:52,883.3333333
Zoomed into every quadrant of it.
291
00:18:53,183.3333333 --> 00:18:53,813.3333333
I made.
292
00:18:54,773.3333333 --> 00:19:00,683.3333333
Seven different pictures of this picture through zooming in a different props in the screen.
293
00:19:03,503.3333333 --> 00:19:04,763.3333333
And I just kept thinking.
294
00:19:06,443.3333333 --> 00:19:07,613.3333333
All right here.
295
00:19:08,3.3333333 --> 00:19:08,753.3333333
There it is.
296
00:19:09,413.3333333 --> 00:19:10,133.3333333
There it is.
297
00:19:10,823.3333333 --> 00:19:11,573.3333333
There it is.
298
00:19:12,143.3333333 --> 00:19:15,173.3333333
There it is like, All of it.
299
00:19:24,663.3333333 --> 00:19:27,813.3333333
When you let yourself sit with a picture long enough.
300
00:19:32,673.3333333 --> 00:19:42,63.3333333
You have to end up, I think, I think inevitably if you're with it long enough, You are heart swells.
301
00:19:45,993.3333333 --> 00:19:48,483.3333333
With this knowing of love.
302
00:19:51,693.3333333 --> 00:19:52,353.3333333
Love.
303
00:19:56,313.3333333 --> 00:19:58,833.3333333
Uh, for your subject matter love for what.
304
00:19:59,223.3333333 --> 00:20:01,173.3333333
Your intentions love for your.
305
00:20:03,33.3333333 --> 00:20:05,493.3333333
Creation love for yourself.
306
00:20:10,633.3333333 --> 00:20:12,133.3333333
And what a disservice.
307
00:20:13,333.3333333 --> 00:20:18,853.3333333
To the art, to the creation, to these things that we create that feels so sacred.
308
00:20:21,73.3333333 --> 00:20:22,153.3333333
Then stop.
309
00:20:24,673.3333333 --> 00:20:24,943.3333333
Right.
310
00:20:24,943.3333333 --> 00:20:25,753.3333333
I think about.
311
00:20:26,713.3333333 --> 00:20:30,853.3333333
What these go to graphs in this medium as given to me.
312
00:20:31,153.3333333 --> 00:20:31,993.3333333
And then I think.
313
00:20:33,283.3333333 --> 00:20:36,643.3333333
I'm so worried about looking like I'm not like the most.
314
00:20:38,173.3333333 --> 00:20:39,463.3333333
Original.
315
00:20:40,63.3333333 --> 00:20:45,733.3333333
Um, Articulate, whatever in the world.
316
00:20:45,733.3333333 --> 00:20:47,113.3333333
So I feel like I can't.
317
00:20:47,683.3333333 --> 00:20:50,563.3333333
Express what I want to express.
318
00:20:51,943.3333333 --> 00:20:57,763.3333333
What is that? Well, I'm committing to.
319
00:21:00,793.3333333 --> 00:21:02,123.3333333
Starting a substack.
320
00:21:02,143.3333333 --> 00:21:04,333.3333333
Or I'm forced to sit with the words.
321
00:21:05,953.3333333 --> 00:21:06,643.3333333
Longer.
322
00:21:06,763.3333333 --> 00:21:11,683.3333333
So every podcast episode, We'll end up going on the sub stack.
323
00:21:11,743.3333333 --> 00:21:13,243.3333333
I guess this will be the first one.
324
00:21:14,83.3333333 --> 00:21:15,433.3333333
That will go on the sub stack.
325
00:21:18,363.3333333 --> 00:21:20,313.3333333
Because I'm ready for a new medium.
326
00:21:20,313.3333333 --> 00:21:21,483.3333333
I'm ready for.
327
00:21:23,193.3333333 --> 00:21:25,563.3333333
To meet myself.
328
00:21:26,703.3333333 --> 00:21:27,993.3333333
And take a Baton.
329
00:21:29,493.3333333 --> 00:21:30,573.3333333
And then keep going.
330
00:21:30,903.3333333 --> 00:21:39,273.3333333
Because not that I'm leaving photography by any means, but like, This whole press the button and release, press release, press and release.
331
00:21:44,193.3333333 --> 00:21:46,593.3333333
I'm feeling the call to.
332
00:21:47,373.3333333 --> 00:21:48,273.3333333
Really.
333
00:21:48,273.3333333 --> 00:21:51,453.3333333
I dig my heels into this.
334
00:21:52,53.3333333 --> 00:21:52,833.3333333
Like okay.
335
00:21:54,663.3333333 --> 00:21:59,363.3333333
Um, got the picture and now I'm going to let myself go with it wherever the fuck I want.
336
00:22:02,633.3333333 --> 00:22:05,303.3333333
And not be afraid of what it looks like or.
337
00:22:07,523.3333333 --> 00:22:09,713.3333333
Just let stupid shit get in the way.
338
00:22:15,773.3333333 --> 00:22:17,63.3333333
It's way too important.
339
00:22:22,373.3333333 --> 00:22:23,63.3333333
There you have it.
340
00:22:23,63.3333333 --> 00:22:30,293.3333333
You have my biggest, um, Gosh, I wonder what it's gonna feel like to post.
341
00:22:33,83.3333333 --> 00:22:33,863.3333333
I don't know if I've even.
342
00:22:33,893.3333333 --> 00:22:35,183.3333333
I never said that before.
343
00:22:36,653.3333333 --> 00:22:46,463.3333333
Because once again, because I, I still let myself say what I want to say, like in bursts, in no on Instagram or Anna caption or whatever.
344
00:22:46,793.3333333 --> 00:22:47,933.3333333
But I always feel like.
345
00:22:48,743.3333333 --> 00:22:49,163.3333333
Afterwards.
346
00:22:49,583.3333333 --> 00:22:52,343.3333333
It's not like, well, duh or like, yeah.
347
00:22:52,883.3333333 --> 00:22:54,353.3333333
No shit Sherlock.
348
00:22:55,543.3333333 --> 00:22:56,653.3333333
cause I know.
349
00:22:57,373.3333333 --> 00:23:01,183.3333333
It's so many of the people I know and love and fellow artists already know all of this.
350
00:23:01,213.3333333 --> 00:23:02,113.3333333
I'm not trying.
351
00:23:02,413.3333333 --> 00:23:05,263.3333333
I think that's the thing it's like, I'm not trying to.
352
00:23:06,783.3333333 --> 00:23:09,573.3333333
Teach someone something new.
353
00:23:11,403.3333333 --> 00:23:12,933.3333333
Just reminding.
354
00:23:14,283.3333333 --> 00:23:18,603.3333333
I need to be reminded of the most important things like ever all the time.
355
00:23:20,793.3333333 --> 00:23:23,523.3333333
All the time I need to be reminded.
356
00:23:27,823.3333333 --> 00:23:28,633.3333333
Like saying.
357
00:23:31,493.3333333 --> 00:23:34,913.3333333
Someone's walking down a step and I'm like, well, they know how to walk down a step.
358
00:23:36,173.3333333 --> 00:23:37,703.3333333
But they might not see that stuff.
359
00:23:38,423.3333333 --> 00:23:39,293.3333333
Oh, watch your step.
360
00:23:40,13.3333333 --> 00:23:40,283.3333333
Like.
361
00:23:41,63.3333333 --> 00:23:42,563.3333333
What's wrong with that? What.
362
00:23:46,73.3333333 --> 00:23:47,663.3333333
Um, processing in real time.
363
00:23:47,663.3333333 --> 00:23:48,773.3333333
I really hope it's helpful.
364
00:23:49,253.3333333 --> 00:23:51,203.3333333
Um, Well, see, there you go again.
365
00:23:58,103.3333333 --> 00:23:58,373.3333333
Fuck.
366
00:23:58,373.3333333 --> 00:23:58,883.3333333
I want.
367
00:23:59,273.3333333 --> 00:24:02,633.3333333
It's like, um, There's a meme.
368
00:24:06,713.3333333 --> 00:24:08,633.3333333
Like people pleasing or whatever you call 9 1 1.
369
00:24:08,633.3333333 --> 00:24:13,463.3333333
And you're like, I, how are you doing today? In your own emergency.
370
00:24:13,463.3333333 --> 00:24:18,173.3333333
Hi, how are you? Um, Sorry to bother you, but.
371
00:24:19,823.3333333 --> 00:24:21,23.3333333
I'm having an emergency.
372
00:24:28,973.3333333 --> 00:24:33,953.3333333
There's a lot more to unpack here, but I literally have to start packing to leave and to go home.
373
00:24:34,703.3333333 --> 00:24:37,793.3333333
Um, my kids are starting school.
374
00:24:38,693.3333333 --> 00:24:40,853.3333333
I don't even know what the hell that is going to.
375
00:24:41,363.3333333 --> 00:24:42,173.3333333
Oh, my gosh.
376
00:24:43,463.3333333 --> 00:24:45,23.3333333
I don't even know what I think about this.
377
00:24:45,263.3333333 --> 00:24:47,33.3333333
Um, devastated and also.
378
00:24:47,873.3333333 --> 00:24:48,323.3333333
I don't know.
379
00:24:50,243.3333333 --> 00:24:52,373.3333333
I know it's important and I know.
380
00:24:52,883.3333333 --> 00:24:57,803.3333333
It's just going to be a whole new chapter and, um, I'm ready to move into it.
381
00:24:59,513.3333333 --> 00:25:00,413.3333333
With less.
382
00:25:01,103.3333333 --> 00:25:02,903.3333333
Of my heaviness.
383
00:25:03,53.3333333 --> 00:25:07,793.3333333
We're ready to move into lightness and dare I say playfulness.
384
00:25:09,413.3333333 --> 00:25:13,13.3333333
Trying to step away from the identity that I don't know what the word play or fund means.
385
00:25:13,793.3333333 --> 00:25:18,863.3333333
Um, So please, whatever.
386
00:25:21,113.3333333 --> 00:25:23,543.3333333
Whatever you take from this.
387
00:25:26,23.3333333 --> 00:25:27,223.3333333
Take it with my love.
388
00:25:30,523.3333333 --> 00:25:31,573.3333333
Whatever it is.
389
00:25:32,773.3333333 --> 00:25:33,973.3333333
Like you're struggling with.
390
00:25:35,113.3333333 --> 00:25:36,133.3333333
And so enough.
391
00:25:37,843.3333333 --> 00:25:38,623.3333333
That's enough.
392
00:25:40,573.3333333 --> 00:25:41,173.3333333
Okay.
393
00:25:41,983.3333333 --> 00:25:42,793.3333333
That's enough of that.
394
00:25:42,883.3333333 --> 00:25:43,333.3333333
Okay.
395
00:25:44,683.3333333 --> 00:25:45,133.3333333
All right.
396
00:25:49,123.3333333 --> 00:25:51,43.3333333
I've just shared something the other day.
397
00:25:51,73.3333333 --> 00:25:52,483.3333333
I'll close with this because.
398
00:25:52,483.3333333 --> 00:25:53,323.3333333
It's hilarious.
399
00:25:56,503.3333333 --> 00:25:58,423.3333333
So the anxiety is so fucking embarrassing.
400
00:25:58,963.3333333 --> 00:25:59,443.3333333
Oh, no.
401
00:25:59,443.3333333 --> 00:26:02,473.3333333
What if something happens? It's crazy.
402
00:26:03,613.3333333 --> 00:26:04,543.3333333
Oh, no.
403
00:26:04,573.3333333 --> 00:26:07,813.3333333
What if this is wrong? Oh, no.
404
00:26:07,873.3333333 --> 00:26:08,713.3333333
What if this is.
405
00:26:09,433.3333333 --> 00:26:10,123.3333333
Embarrassing.
406
00:26:10,153.3333333 --> 00:26:10,573.3333333
Oh, no.
407
00:26:10,603.3333333 --> 00:26:15,253.3333333
What if this is redundant? What does someone like already.
408
00:26:15,673.3333333 --> 00:26:19,363.3333333
Totally knows this, and I'm just saying it so obvious.
409
00:26:21,103.3333333 --> 00:26:22,3.3333333
Fucking stupid.
410
00:26:22,543.3333333 --> 00:26:22,843.3333333
Okay.
411
00:26:22,843.3333333 --> 00:26:23,773.3333333
I can't keep talking.
412
00:26:23,773.3333333 --> 00:26:27,313.3333333
I'm just going to get more and more annoyed at myself, but this is helpful, right? This is helpful.
413
00:26:27,493.3333333 --> 00:26:34,903.3333333
So you don't loud say the thing that you're so, so worried about out loud, speak it, deflate it, put it in the air and let it dissipate.
414
00:26:36,163.3333333 --> 00:26:36,523.3333333
All right.
415
00:26:37,483.3333333 --> 00:26:38,383.3333333
I got to run.
416
00:26:39,373.3333333 --> 00:26:39,583.3333333
Okay.
417
00:26:39,613.3333333 --> 00:26:40,423.3333333
Catch you next week.
418
00:26:41,415.1333333 --> 00:26:44,635.1333333
This has been an Awkward Sage Production.
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