The player is loading ...
Aug. 7, 2024
Mother the Mother
do you feel like you can never let your guard down in life?
sometimes I just want to be taken care of, the way I take care.
today I share a very recent & personal experience trying to find some clarity around a medical issue.
as I sift through the layers of why I feel like I can't let it go, I wonder where advocating for myself morphs into anxiety & paranoia, where intuition get's lost in a fog of fear, the exhaustion/necessity of hypervigilance, & how to empower ourselves in increasing our capacity to live & be with all of it.
NOTES from Bianca:
1:1 BREAKTHROUGH VISION SESSION
Sacred Seeing Membership for Creatives
https://www.instagram.com/biancaleamorra/
Check out my newest offer- REMOTE PHOTO SESSIONS for emerging artists.
Transcript
1
00:00:00,050 --> 00:00:06,79.9999999999
And I realized that a core component of the fear that I have, that something's wrong.
2
00:00:07,660.0009999999 --> 00:00:24,480.001
Is the fear of it being my fault, the fear of if something were to be wrong and I did not advocate for myself, I was not quote unquote strong enough to Pursue it or yada, yada, yada.
3
00:00:24,780.001 --> 00:00:26,80.001
Then if something happened.
4
00:00:27,845.001 --> 00:00:28,715.001
It's my fault.
5
00:00:30,615.001 --> 00:00:32,255.001
Feels like a lot of pressure.
6
00:00:33,155.001 --> 00:00:51,645.001
Mother the mother is what we need, mother, the mother, I don't typically talk about like medical stuff but I am in the business of normalizing whatever the hell is crippling me in my life.
7
00:00:51,645.001 --> 00:00:53,465
And this has been crippling me.
8
00:00:53,465 --> 00:00:55,584.999
It's really been making me so anxious.
9
00:00:55,585.099 --> 00:01:01,934.899
I just wanted to shed light on the very real push and pull that comes with.
10
00:01:01,934.899 --> 00:01:08,744.8985
Making sure you're not dismissed and trying to track down and make sense of like your symptoms or what's going on in your body.
11
00:01:08,744.8985 --> 00:01:18,614.899
That's making you nervous and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, while also just wanting someone to put their hand on your shoulder and tell you it's okay, you're okay.
12
00:01:19,4.898 --> 00:01:22,394.899
And you can believe them because they put the same amount of care.
13
00:01:23,144.899 --> 00:01:27,354.899
And attention and effort into you as you do for everyone else.
14
00:01:27,704.899 --> 00:01:31,684.899
Help Me See is a podcast dedicated to the art of seeing.
15
00:01:32,324.899 --> 00:01:39,14.899
It's a space for the restless visionary with an insatiable desire to create the life and work you're meant for.
16
00:01:39,989.899 --> 00:01:49,109.899
My name is Bianca Lea Mora, and I'm a photographic artist, a mother, and a coach who's transformed my fear of loss into power, art, and philosophy.
17
00:01:49,379.899 --> 00:02:02,539.899
One of the scariest quotes I never want to say is, I wish I knew at the time, but I truly believe that we have the innate ability to bring our wise 2020 hindsight to our now.
18
00:02:03,439.899 --> 00:02:10,679.898
You can deeply experience your nostalgia now, while it's actually happening, with no regrets.
19
00:02:11,779.899 --> 00:02:13,109.899
All you have to do is see.
20
00:02:14,209.899 --> 00:02:30,59.899
In this show, we laugh, we cry, we get inspired, we overshare, we have life changing conversations around making meaning, self discovery, and shedding all the BS layers in order to reconnect to our own sacred vision.
21
00:02:30,869.899 --> 00:02:34,529.899
Seeing yourself is an essential key to living powerfully.
22
00:02:34,939.899 --> 00:02:39,749.899
You are the vessel, the lens that filters absolutely everything in your life.
23
00:02:40,709.898 --> 00:03:02,264.899
What are you filtering for? Whether it be conversations with fellow artists and visionaries, or my solo audio journal style introspective ramblings, each episode is meant to feel like an exhale, an unraveling of truth, a moment for you to be able to put your finger on something that you haven't been able to for far too long.
24
00:03:03,824.898 --> 00:03:05,894.898
Come exactly as you are.
25
00:03:06,184.898 --> 00:03:07,44.898
It's perfect.
26
00:03:07,754.898 --> 00:03:09,274.898
Honor your instincts.
27
00:03:09,334.898 --> 00:03:14,954.898
Let's uncover some of the most important things in our lives which all too often can slip out from our view.
28
00:03:16,279.899 --> 00:03:23,159.899
Let's commit to seeing and consciously creating what only you can in your one and only life.
29
00:03:24,299.899 --> 00:03:24,969.899
Let's dive in.
30
00:03:31,88.23233333 --> 00:03:36,568.23233333
Hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of health BC today.
31
00:03:36,688.23233333 --> 00:03:41,758.23233333
I am coming to you from the car, so it might sound a bit different.
32
00:03:43,598.23133333 --> 00:03:49,188.23233333
I am on my way going to a doctor's appointment.
33
00:03:49,188.33233333 --> 00:03:57,208.23133333
This episode is different in general, but it just feels like something important that I wanted to just talk about openly.
34
00:03:57,838.23233333 --> 00:04:11,918.23233333
So I have had this weird, um, like breast pain, boob pain, whatever you want to call it, but not even like pain, just like a weird sensation that I had.
35
00:04:12,538.23133333 --> 00:04:29,253.13233333
I feel like I've been feeling this since like Christmas and you go through the process of thinking like, okay, am I overreacting or okay, am I? Um, fixating too much on this.
36
00:04:29,253.23233333 --> 00:04:33,113.23233333
Um, and then I went to the doctor and the the mammogram came out fine.
37
00:04:33,123.23233333 --> 00:04:37,653.23233333
Saw nothing in the side that I was having a problem and then on the other side found something to keep an eye on.
38
00:04:37,653.23233333 --> 00:04:50,573.23233333
Um, but there's this, there's this paranoia that I know cannot be just me about being told you're okay.
39
00:04:54,563.23233333 --> 00:05:05,893.23183333
I feel like oftentimes we hear these stories about how, you know, this person advocated for themselves and didn't take no for an answer and blah, blah, blah.
40
00:05:05,893.23183333 --> 00:05:06,843.23233333
And it turns out.
41
00:05:07,513.23233333 --> 00:05:23,293.23233333
They were right, but what, what about that middle ground where you don't know if you're right and you don't know if you should or should not keep advocating for yourself.
42
00:05:29,133.23333333 --> 00:05:36,253.23233333
I've been in my body 34 years and I know that this new sensation I've been feeling is new.
43
00:05:37,733.23233333 --> 00:05:41,63.23233333
However, I don't know what it means.
44
00:05:43,818.23233333 --> 00:05:55,88.23133333
I was having a conversation with a friend the other day about how she went to her doctor and was dismissed, um, and said, Oh, you're fine about something.
45
00:05:55,488.23233333 --> 00:06:03,898.23233333
And then she had been having this sidebar conversation with, um, with a friend of hers who's in the medical field.
46
00:06:04,8.23233333 --> 00:06:12,58.13233333
And they were like, Oh no, you, you need to be seen by blah, blah, blah, like that not to freak you out, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
47
00:06:12,58.23233333 --> 00:06:12,568.23233333
The end.
48
00:06:13,538.23233333 --> 00:06:43,288.23233333
I just feel like In a world where the maternal instinct is so vital and we do the job of so many and we take care of so many, it's really sad.
49
00:06:43,338.23233333 --> 00:06:51,408.23233333
And honestly, in my experience, traumatizing to feel like I can't let my guard down to be taken seriously.
50
00:06:52,288.23233333 --> 00:06:57,228.23233333
I can't trust that I'm going to be taken care of.
51
00:07:00,28.23233333 --> 00:07:10,508.23233333
And I'm not taking, putting the responsibility on, off of myself and saying like, this is why I can't relax.
52
00:07:11,548.23233333 --> 00:07:25,968.13233333
Actually, wait, no, I am saying that, no, I am saying, I am saying that, but I'm, I'm speaking out loud the reasons why this is happening.
53
00:07:25,978.23233333 --> 00:07:48,818.23233333
This behavior has come to be, um, I was thinking about it the other day and leading up to this appointment and I'm like, okay, if everything goes well after this appointment, I'm just going to let it go and let it go on with my life.
54
00:07:49,298.23233333 --> 00:07:50,378.23233333
Like that's all I can do.
55
00:07:50,408.23233333 --> 00:07:56,633.26566667
I've like pressed this, you know, I've pursued, I've asked, yada, yada, yada.
56
00:07:56,633.26566667 --> 00:07:57,583.13233333
I've had.
57
00:07:57,873.23233333 --> 00:08:00,193.23233333
Annoying problems with insurance company.
58
00:08:00,243.23233333 --> 00:08:01,583.23233333
Don't even get me started.
59
00:08:02,233.23233333 --> 00:08:09,553.23233333
Um, but then even as I said that to myself, like, okay, after this, just trust it.
60
00:08:09,553.23233333 --> 00:08:13,383.23133333
Like at this point it's probably medical anxiety.
61
00:08:13,453.23133333 --> 00:08:18,783.23133333
Like there needs to be a point where I trust the results of what's happening.
62
00:08:19,973.23133333 --> 00:08:32,163.23133333
And I realized that a core component of the fear that I have, that something's wrong.
63
00:08:33,743.23233333 --> 00:08:55,983.23233333
Is the fear of it being my fault, the fear of if something were to be wrong and I did not advocate for myself, I was not quote unquote strong enough to advocate for myself or I didn't pursue it or yada, yada, yada.
64
00:08:56,283.23233333 --> 00:08:57,583.23233333
Then if something happened.
65
00:08:59,348.23233333 --> 00:09:00,218.23233333
It's my fault.
66
00:09:07,768.23233333 --> 00:09:09,408.23233333
Feels like a lot of pressure.
67
00:09:13,518.23233333 --> 00:09:20,678.23233333
Mothers are raising Generations upon generations of of human beings.
68
00:09:23,838.23233333 --> 00:09:48,283.23233333
And now with this like elevated state of consciousness and gentle parenting and You know focusing on Healing and growth so that we can be the mothers that we want to be but how much weight can a person carry? Not Ken, how much we.
69
00:09:49,288.23233333 --> 00:10:01,678.23233333
Should a person carry? Should not? I don't know.
70
00:10:01,678.23233333 --> 00:10:16,368.23233333
I just, I'm so frustrated with how it feels to go through this and to feel like any way I slice it, I'm doing something wrong.
71
00:10:17,318.23233333 --> 00:10:19,768.23233333
Like advocating for myself.
72
00:10:20,468.23233333 --> 00:10:33,248.23233333
But if I'm not, if it, if it truly is nothing and I'm just getting paranoid now, then I'm wasting everyone's time.
73
00:10:33,278.23233333 --> 00:10:37,438.23233333
Like I'm wasting the disappointments time.
74
00:10:37,478.23133333 --> 00:10:47,288.23133333
I'm, um, adding unnecessary, unnecessary amounts of, you know, radiation or whatever inside of me earlier than needs to happen.
75
00:10:48,368.23233333 --> 00:11:00,23.23233333
I'm, you know, wasting my life worrying about this, but if I didn't, And it was some, it's just, it's just exhausting.
76
00:11:00,283.23233333 --> 00:11:09,203.23233333
Just like talking out loud, my, the thoughts that go on, it's exhausting and it feels so ridiculous, but it's also not.
77
00:11:09,213.23233333 --> 00:11:11,573.23233333
It makes perfect sense with the way the world is set up.
78
00:11:21,993.23133333 --> 00:12:04,628.23233333
Mother the mother is what we need, mother, the mother, I'm nervous and I don't typically talk about like medical stuff or whatever, but I am in the business of normalizing whatever the hell is crippling me in my life.
79
00:12:06,188.23233333 --> 00:12:08,8.23133333
And this has been crippling me.
80
00:12:09,58.23333333 --> 00:12:12,518.23233333
It's really been making me so anxious.
81
00:12:12,518.33233333 --> 00:12:23,248.23233333
I just wanted to shed light on the very real push and pull that comes with.
82
00:12:30,628.23233333 --> 00:12:44,438.23233333
Making sure you're not dismissed and researching to the point where you're damn near getting your own degree, trying to track down and make sense of like your symptoms or what's going on in your body.
83
00:12:44,438.23233333 --> 00:12:54,308.23283333
That's making you nervous and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, while also just wanting someone to put their hand on your shoulder and tell you it's okay, you're okay.
84
00:12:54,698.23183333 --> 00:12:58,88.23283333
And you can believe them because they put the same amount of care.
85
00:12:58,838.23283333 --> 00:13:03,48.23283333
And attention and effort into you as you do for everyone else.
86
00:13:09,808.23283333 --> 00:13:30,158.23283333
So if this is hitting home for you, I just want to say, I see you, I'm putting my hand on your shoulder and I really have nothing.
87
00:13:31,888.23183333 --> 00:13:34,808.23283333
At the light, turn right onto East 105th Street.
88
00:13:40,923.23283333 --> 00:13:54,83.23283333
Nothing earth shattering to tell you other than let's take care of ourselves as well as we're taking care of others.
89
00:13:55,83.23283333 --> 00:13:56,163.23283333
Whatever that means.
90
00:13:56,303.23283333 --> 00:13:58,523.23183333
I don't know what it means for me.
91
00:13:59,693.23183333 --> 00:14:08,313.23283333
It means after this appointment, I'm finding some beautiful coffee shop and I'm going to sit down and I'm going to read.
92
00:14:13,633.23183333 --> 00:14:16,523.23183333
In three quarters of a mile, turn right into the parking lot.
93
00:14:17,613.23283333 --> 00:14:29,344.91575
Well, first I'll probably, um, follow up here, come back, record what happened in the appointment, and then go to the coffee shop.
94
00:14:29,344.91575 --> 00:14:30,33.23233333
Okay.
95
00:14:30,33.23233333 --> 00:14:32,98.18208333
Be right back.
96
00:14:32,98.18208333 --> 00:14:38,793.23183333
I'm getting ready to pull in the garage.
97
00:17:02,524.2328333 --> 00:17:03,944.2328333
Okay, I'm back.
98
00:17:05,624.2328333 --> 00:17:07,994.2328333
I am at my desk.
99
00:17:08,634.2328333 --> 00:17:16,184.2318333
My kiddos just fell asleep, uh, while I was doing the dishwasher and, like, kind of cleaning up.
100
00:17:16,224.2328333 --> 00:17:18,549.1328333
And I did not at all expect them to be awake.
101
00:17:18,839.2328333 --> 00:17:28,379.2328333
Asleep by the time I got back up there and they were Which is super super rare to for them both to be sleeping by nine o'clock in this house.
102
00:17:30,199.2328333 --> 00:17:31,89.2328333
I Have some night out.
103
00:17:31,99.2328333 --> 00:17:42,679.2328333
No, I have one night owl, but the other one My older one stays up until around like nine and then he tells me he's ready to go to bed And we go to bed together.
104
00:17:42,869.2328333 --> 00:17:48,239.2328333
I lay down with him until he falls asleep, but my younger one He likes to party.
105
00:17:48,239.3328333 --> 00:18:00,519.2328333
Um, I just didn't feel closure around the conversation.
106
00:18:00,519.2328333 --> 00:18:05,719.2328333
So I wanted to come back before setting this episode to post.
107
00:18:05,909.2328333 --> 00:18:09,529.2328333
Of course, there's no, like, official way to end an episode here.
108
00:18:09,529.2328333 --> 00:18:14,139.2328333
But I I'm Mile.
109
00:18:16,579.2328333 --> 00:18:18,9.2328333
My dog just came down the stairs.
110
00:18:18,769.2328333 --> 00:18:27,389.2328333
I just had a lot of, um, things popping up since I got home.
111
00:18:27,509.2328333 --> 00:18:32,649.2318333
I just, I've had a headache and just kind of feeling a little bit blank.
112
00:18:37,49.2318333 --> 00:18:54,739.2318333
And I've been reflecting on how I told myself that after this appointment, I'm just going to let myself live my life and how cognitively I understand that it makes no sense that I am living under the influence of like withholding that from myself until doctor's appointments.
113
00:18:54,799.2318333 --> 00:19:12,484.2318333
And, and how now I have a, um, another appointment to go to, um, but You cannot keep moving the goalpost.
114
00:19:12,484.3318333 --> 00:19:22,264.2318333
I think that's something that a lot of us tend to do, is that we say, okay, when this happens, then blah, blah, blah.
115
00:19:22,714.2308333 --> 00:19:25,254.2308333
When this happens, then I can blah, blah, blah.
116
00:19:25,384.2318333 --> 00:19:32,54.2318333
When this happens, and then that thing happens, but you already see something else down the horizon.
117
00:19:32,64.2318333 --> 00:19:33,774.2318333
So you're like, oh, okay, it's actually that.
118
00:19:33,864.2318333 --> 00:19:36,604.2318333
And it's just so exhausting.
119
00:19:37,424.2318333 --> 00:19:39,784.2318333
It's such an exhausting way to exist.
120
00:19:40,434.2318333 --> 00:19:44,914.2318333
Uh, and I feel like it's really muting of joy.
121
00:19:44,924.2318333 --> 00:19:46,604.2308333
Like it mutes your joy.
122
00:19:46,614.2318333 --> 00:19:53,894.2318333
You feel like you can't ever actually celebrate something fully or soak it in because you already know the next thing that has to get done.
123
00:19:55,964.2308333 --> 00:19:58,464.2318333
That's something I feel like I've experienced a lot in my life.
124
00:19:58,474.2318333 --> 00:20:03,434.2318333
It's like, I feel like my mom is always waiting for the other shoe to drop type of thing.
125
00:20:04,204.2318333 --> 00:20:07,669.2318333
And, um, It frustrates me so much.
126
00:20:07,689.2318333 --> 00:20:10,459.2318333
And now I see that I do it myself too.
127
00:20:10,459.3318333 --> 00:20:27,419.2318333
And I'm just interested by this notion of like holding all of it loosely, not holding all of it in the way of like, I can hold the world on my shoulders.
128
00:20:28,679.2318333 --> 00:20:30,989.2318333
But in this way of.
129
00:20:34,489.2318333 --> 00:20:40,819.2318333
Inner groundedness again, related to my craft, my photo.
130
00:20:41,299.2318333 --> 00:20:42,619.2318333
Photo sessions, my art.
131
00:20:44,329.2318333 --> 00:20:47,359.2318333
There's just never going to be a time where.
132
00:20:49,69.2318333 --> 00:20:50,389.2318333
I don't trust.
133
00:20:50,869.2318333 --> 00:20:51,829.2318333
That I'm okay.
134
00:20:53,839.2318333 --> 00:20:55,849.2318333
Like there is this.
135
00:20:56,809.2318333 --> 00:20:58,999.2318333
Like no matter what, and I don't mean.
136
00:21:00,919.2318333 --> 00:21:03,799.2318333
It's like a cockiness or like a.
137
00:21:04,489.2318333 --> 00:21:07,459.2318333
Um, I don't know how to describe.
138
00:21:07,519.2318333 --> 00:21:13,999.2318333
It's just this deep inner knowing of like, I know that if I am.
139
00:21:14,539.2318333 --> 00:21:17,89.2318333
Breathing and here and present.
140
00:21:17,809.2318333 --> 00:21:18,109.2318333
And.
141
00:21:18,889.2318333 --> 00:21:20,119.2318333
Prioritizing like.
142
00:21:20,989.2318333 --> 00:21:23,539.2318333
Truth and connecting with the people in front of me.
143
00:21:24,139.2318333 --> 00:21:25,99.2318333
All will be well.
144
00:21:26,449.2318333 --> 00:21:28,69.2318333
All as well with my soul.
145
00:21:30,409.2318333 --> 00:21:31,159.2318333
And.
146
00:21:36,49.2318333 --> 00:21:37,939.2318333
It can be so much harder.
147
00:21:40,249.2318333 --> 00:21:41,449.2318333
To do that.
148
00:21:43,759.2318333 --> 00:21:46,249.2318333
With an inside of ourselves.
149
00:21:48,709.2318333 --> 00:21:51,139.2318333
Not in service to someone else.
150
00:21:51,259.2318333 --> 00:21:51,889.2318333
Not.
151
00:21:53,509.2318333 --> 00:21:54,889.2318333
Doing a task.
152
00:21:56,329.2318333 --> 00:21:57,529.2318333
Not in creating.
153
00:21:58,429.2318333 --> 00:22:02,59.2318333
Well, maybe all of the above, but like in reference to ourself only.
154
00:22:03,429.2318333 --> 00:22:03,909.2318333
Like Ken.
155
00:22:03,909.2318333 --> 00:22:04,839.2318333
I know.
156
00:22:06,549.2318333 --> 00:22:09,249.2318333
Can I trust that it will all be okay.
157
00:22:10,719.2318333 --> 00:22:13,269.2318333
Even if it's not all okay.
158
00:22:22,509.2318333 --> 00:22:26,499.2318333
I just finished reading this book called the surrender experiment by Michael singer.
159
00:22:27,129.2318333 --> 00:22:31,719.2318333
And, um, his, the first book, I, one of the, I think.
160
00:22:32,19.2318333 --> 00:22:33,999.2318333
The first book I read on.
161
00:22:34,899.2318333 --> 00:22:37,209.2318333
Like consciousness, speaking of it the way.
162
00:22:37,839.2318333 --> 00:22:41,499.2318333
That he does was, um, the untethered soul.
163
00:22:43,689.2318333 --> 00:22:56,439.2318333
And it really changed, like everything for me, it's one of those books where, um, You just can't unseat, uh, or, you know, uh, no unlearn what.
164
00:22:57,819.2318333 --> 00:23:00,9.2318333
That book brought to you, brought to me.
165
00:23:00,909.2318333 --> 00:23:03,969.2318333
Um, And.
166
00:23:05,829.2318333 --> 00:23:09,99.2318333
He talks about like that voice in your head and how.
167
00:23:10,209.2318333 --> 00:23:11,709.2318333
You know, you are not your thoughts.
168
00:23:11,709.2318333 --> 00:23:15,189.2318333
You are not your, um, preferences.
169
00:23:15,189.2318333 --> 00:23:16,419.2318333
You're not your opinions.
170
00:23:16,419.2318333 --> 00:23:16,899.2318333
You're not.
171
00:23:17,829.2318333 --> 00:23:20,199.2318333
You you're the one witnessing that.
172
00:23:20,739.2318333 --> 00:23:26,619.2318333
And this whole idea of your seat of consciousness and the witnessing.
173
00:23:27,759.2318333 --> 00:23:37,689.2318333
You ever, you know, those moments where you're talking, but then you're also in your head being like, This is so interesting that I'm actually saying words because I'm freaking out.
174
00:23:37,749.2318333 --> 00:23:39,969.2318333
Like this happens to me sometimes.
175
00:23:40,449.2318333 --> 00:23:44,259.2318333
Well, I mean, it's been a long time since I've had a job interview, but like a job interview.
176
00:23:45,609.2318333 --> 00:23:51,129.2318333
Oh, be talking after being asked a question and I'm like, I have no idea what I'm saying right now.
177
00:23:51,159.2318333 --> 00:23:57,819.2318333
Like, Because I'm so nervous that I'm inside of my mind, but also I'm speaking coherently.
178
00:23:58,749.2318333 --> 00:24:02,289.2318333
It's just so odd, but, um, Anyway.
179
00:24:03,309.2318333 --> 00:24:04,119.2318333
Blah, blah, blah.
180
00:24:04,179.2318333 --> 00:24:04,779.2318333
I'm getting.
181
00:24:05,709.2318333 --> 00:24:12,39.2318333
On a tangent, but the surrender experiment is about how he decided to surrender.
182
00:24:12,579.2318333 --> 00:24:13,389.2318333
Two.
183
00:24:14,829.2318333 --> 00:24:18,249.2318333
Kind of the will of the universe in whatever that is.
184
00:24:18,609.2318333 --> 00:24:21,519.2318333
So, although all he wanted to do.
185
00:24:21,969.2318333 --> 00:24:31,539.2318333
Was focused on his meditation and focus on his work and spend as much time meditating as possible because he had this profound experience where he was meditating and.
186
00:24:32,49.2318333 --> 00:24:38,259.2318333
He just reached this feeling of like, Pure love and peace and enlightenment.
187
00:24:38,289.2318333 --> 00:24:41,169.2318333
And like, he was completely hooked after that.
188
00:24:41,589.2318333 --> 00:24:45,519.2318333
Um, And he was very much not in that world before that.
189
00:24:45,909.2318333 --> 00:24:46,329.2318333
Incident.
190
00:24:47,529.2318333 --> 00:24:54,219.2318333
And, um, Along the way.
191
00:24:54,969.2318333 --> 00:24:55,959.2318333
He.
192
00:24:57,309.2318333 --> 00:24:58,809.2318333
In saying yes.
193
00:24:58,869.2318333 --> 00:25:01,839.2318333
And in surrendering to the will of.
194
00:25:02,739.2318333 --> 00:25:06,669.2318333
Uh, life and experience instead of resisting it.
195
00:25:07,149.2318333 --> 00:25:15,729.2318333
Um, and fighting it and working harder and, you know, Willing your way here, there in the other place.
196
00:25:16,269.2318333 --> 00:25:25,959.2318333
Um, He shares all of this crazy serendipitous, like synchronistic weird things that have happened.
197
00:25:25,989.2318333 --> 00:25:31,839.2318333
Um, And.
198
00:25:32,589.2318333 --> 00:25:34,899.2318333
I think it's so interesting.
199
00:25:35,49.2318333 --> 00:25:37,389.2318333
I'm very intrigued by it.
200
00:25:38,379.2318333 --> 00:25:41,739.2318333
Also, I very much don't want to do that.
201
00:25:44,739.2318333 --> 00:25:45,159.2318333
But.
202
00:25:47,259.2318333 --> 00:25:48,759.2318333
If so beautiful because.
203
00:25:49,749.2318333 --> 00:25:51,69.2318333
In the surrender.
204
00:25:54,609.2318333 --> 00:25:55,359.2318333
He.
205
00:25:56,319.2318333 --> 00:26:01,599.2318333
Was brought so many incredible, magical experiences that would not.
206
00:26:02,259.2318333 --> 00:26:08,19.2318333
Well, who knows if it would have or not, but seemingly would not have come to him.
207
00:26:08,709.2318333 --> 00:26:11,499.2318333
Had he done what he wanted to do.
208
00:26:12,9.2318333 --> 00:26:13,119.2318333
And the part of me.
209
00:26:13,869.2318333 --> 00:26:15,939.2318333
Like I, and I'm like, yeah, but we have freewill.
210
00:26:15,939.2318333 --> 00:26:16,119.2318333
And since.
211
00:26:16,179.2318333 --> 00:26:23,469.2318333
That's the beauty of like choice and autonomy and, um, you know, making decisions that are in alignment with us.
212
00:26:24,249.2318333 --> 00:26:27,849.2318333
But also white knuckle when you're holding on too tight.
213
00:26:31,359.2318333 --> 00:26:35,799.2318333
You can't allow for something more beautiful than you had ever imagined.
214
00:26:36,9.2318333 --> 00:26:41,439.2318333
Right? When you're holding on too tight.
215
00:26:42,429.2318333 --> 00:26:47,559.2318333
You're really, really limiting yourself to what you can and do experience.
216
00:26:52,749.2318333 --> 00:26:54,789.2318333
So it's again.
217
00:26:55,989.2318333 --> 00:26:58,569.2318333
Just really interesting to me to think about.
218
00:27:00,399.2318333 --> 00:27:01,89.2318333
Okay.
219
00:27:04,209.2318333 --> 00:27:05,769.2318333
I have my own back.
220
00:27:06,549.2318333 --> 00:27:07,179.2318333
And I'm.
221
00:27:07,689.2318333 --> 00:27:10,929.2318333
Trusting my full self and I advocate for myself.
222
00:27:12,609.2318333 --> 00:27:13,389.2318333
And.
223
00:27:18,699.2318333 --> 00:27:21,129.2318333
There's a time where it will feel.
224
00:27:21,879.2318333 --> 00:27:24,159.2318333
Okay to put it down.
225
00:27:24,699.2318333 --> 00:27:25,719.2318333
To surrender.
226
00:27:31,539.2318333 --> 00:27:45,609.2318333
And what happens then? Like there are all these injustices in the world.
227
00:27:45,639.2318333 --> 00:27:45,909.2318333
And.
228
00:27:47,889.2318333 --> 00:27:48,909.2318333
Oh, my gosh.
229
00:27:51,429.2318333 --> 00:27:54,9.2318333
I acknowledge my privilege.
230
00:27:56,109.2318333 --> 00:27:58,779.2318333
My insane privilege in.
231
00:27:59,829.2318333 --> 00:28:04,29.2318333
In the experience that I am deeming injustice.
232
00:28:04,419.2318333 --> 00:28:04,749.2318333
Right.
233
00:28:04,899.2318333 --> 00:28:05,439.2318333
I mean.
234
00:28:07,269.2318333 --> 00:28:08,919.2318333
It is one crazy world.
235
00:28:10,839.2318333 --> 00:28:13,959.2318333
I mean, every experience is valid and also.
236
00:28:16,239.2318333 --> 00:28:19,749.2318333
Deep acknowledgement and holding space for.
237
00:28:22,149.2318333 --> 00:28:22,929.2318333
All of it.
238
00:28:25,389.2318333 --> 00:28:26,49.2318333
And.
239
00:28:32,649.2318333 --> 00:28:39,309.2318333
Can we make steps to strengthen ourselves and link arms with each other.
240
00:28:40,959.2318333 --> 00:28:46,869.2318333
And share and prop and hold each other up and support each other in these ways.
241
00:28:51,189.2318333 --> 00:28:52,119.2318333
Where we can.
242
00:28:52,479.2318333 --> 00:28:53,349.2318333
Exist.
243
00:28:53,439.2318333 --> 00:28:57,669.2318333
Co-exist in a world where that's more supportive and inclusive for everyone.
244
00:28:58,899.2318333 --> 00:29:01,569.2318333
And also not.
245
00:29:02,529.2318333 --> 00:29:03,879.2318333
Be beholden.
246
00:29:04,809.2318333 --> 00:29:05,739.2318333
To the fight.
247
00:29:06,999.2318333 --> 00:29:07,929.2318333
You know, like.
248
00:29:09,909.2318333 --> 00:29:12,939.2318333
Yes, there are so many stories that I've heard of.
249
00:29:14,139.2318333 --> 00:29:22,59.2318333
Um, being dismissed in a medical setting or, you know, not this not happening or whatever.
250
00:29:25,569.2318333 --> 00:29:28,179.2318333
And I can pursue, pursue, pursue.
251
00:29:29,379.2318333 --> 00:29:30,249.2318333
But can I.
252
00:29:30,939.2318333 --> 00:29:33,339.2318333
Listen to that quiet voice and pursue.
253
00:29:34,809.2318333 --> 00:29:35,889.2318333
Without.
254
00:29:36,759.2318333 --> 00:29:38,709.2318333
The inks and the.
255
00:29:39,429.2318333 --> 00:29:40,899.2318333
Crippling fear.
256
00:29:43,389.2318333 --> 00:29:44,619.2318333
And the emptiness.
257
00:29:54,339.2318333 --> 00:29:57,729.2318333
Can I hold on to a feeling of inner peace.
258
00:30:01,449.2318333 --> 00:30:03,69.2318333
Because I know that I am not.
259
00:30:04,839.2318333 --> 00:30:06,9.2318333
Withholding.
260
00:30:06,699.2318333 --> 00:30:08,559.2318333
Life for myself until.
261
00:30:13,209.2318333 --> 00:30:15,219.2318333
I can submit to being okay.
262
00:30:17,589.2318333 --> 00:30:18,489.2318333
I mean just tonight.
263
00:30:18,939.2318333 --> 00:30:21,249.2318333
We were in the basement because we had a tornado warning.
264
00:30:22,59.2318333 --> 00:30:28,989.2318333
And, um, A couple of things like got really screwed up, like really close to us and.
265
00:30:33,309.2318333 --> 00:30:33,429.2318333
Yeah.
266
00:30:33,429.2318333 --> 00:30:35,49.2318333
You just think about these things.
267
00:30:35,49.2318333 --> 00:30:37,869.2318333
It's like, oh my gosh, this doctor's appointment was the biggest thing today.
268
00:30:37,869.2318333 --> 00:30:39,489.2318333
And then all of a sudden I'm in my basement.
269
00:30:40,659.2318333 --> 00:30:43,659.2318333
Um, You know, with the kids and the dog and.
270
00:30:44,439.2318333 --> 00:30:45,129.2318333
My partner.
271
00:30:50,319.2318333 --> 00:30:51,399.2318333
We're so.
272
00:30:52,479.2318333 --> 00:30:53,529.2318333
Intelligent.
273
00:30:55,929.2318333 --> 00:30:57,189.2318333
And also.
274
00:31:01,749.2318333 --> 00:31:03,189.2318333
We are so.
275
00:31:07,299.2318333 --> 00:31:08,409.2318333
Overly.
276
00:31:15,399.2318333 --> 00:31:17,889.2318333
Clinging to this notion that.
277
00:31:23,949.2318333 --> 00:31:25,599.2318333
We can control.
278
00:31:35,979.2318333 --> 00:31:44,119.2318333
What does it look like? To not look away from.
279
00:31:47,969.2318333 --> 00:31:50,339.2318333
Pain and suffering and.
280
00:31:52,649.2318333 --> 00:31:54,809.2318333
Injustice and.
281
00:31:57,329.2318333 --> 00:31:58,229.2318333
Fear.
282
00:32:01,559.2318333 --> 00:32:03,419.2318333
But makes base.
283
00:32:04,259.2318333 --> 00:32:07,199.2318333
To also allow yourself to live.
284
00:32:09,179.2318333 --> 00:32:12,119.2318333
With joy and with light and with love.
285
00:32:15,839.2318333 --> 00:32:16,949.2318333
A friend and a.
286
00:32:18,629.2318333 --> 00:32:20,909.2318333
Coach and a practitioner that I've had on the show.
287
00:32:20,909.2318333 --> 00:32:24,479.2318333
Um, Meleah rose Xi.
288
00:32:25,559.2318333 --> 00:32:29,429.2318333
Really change the way I think about anxiety.
289
00:32:30,689.2318333 --> 00:32:31,829.2318333
And helping myself.
290
00:32:31,829.2318333 --> 00:32:35,249.2318333
And she had said that it's not about.
291
00:32:36,689.2318333 --> 00:32:39,479.2318333
Getting rid of the anxiety or.
292
00:32:40,109.2318333 --> 00:32:42,509.2318333
Um, regulating yourself.
293
00:32:43,859.2318333 --> 00:32:45,239.2318333
Specifically it's about.
294
00:32:45,659.2318333 --> 00:32:47,909.2318333
Making space.
295
00:32:48,959.2318333 --> 00:32:51,479.2318333
Spaciousness around the anxiety.
296
00:32:52,439.2318333 --> 00:32:55,919.2318333
Being able to hold more than just the anxiety.
297
00:32:57,119.2318333 --> 00:32:58,979.2318333
Increasing your capacity.
298
00:32:59,459.2318333 --> 00:33:01,949.2318333
To be with that anxiety.
299
00:33:04,799.2318333 --> 00:33:05,909.2318333
And other things too.
300
00:33:11,899.2318333 --> 00:33:13,429.2318333
So as I wrap this.
301
00:33:14,869.2318333 --> 00:33:19,129.2318333
Super personal episode about my boob and.
302
00:33:20,299.2318333 --> 00:33:21,889.2318333
My fear am I.
303
00:33:22,579.2318333 --> 00:33:25,69.2318333
Paranoia and medical anxiety.
304
00:33:25,579.2318333 --> 00:33:26,329.2318333
And.
305
00:33:26,929.2318333 --> 00:33:28,279.2318333
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
306
00:33:31,699.2318333 --> 00:33:35,569.2318333
I'm leaving, thinking about how.
307
00:33:36,799.2318333 --> 00:33:37,699.2318333
I can.
308
00:33:38,179.2318333 --> 00:33:41,839.2318333
Allow myself to feel happy and carefree.
309
00:33:42,739.2318333 --> 00:33:43,489.2318333
Uh, carefree.
310
00:33:43,519.2318333 --> 00:33:44,899.2318333
It's even hard for me to say that word.
311
00:33:45,319.2318333 --> 00:33:47,479.2318333
Happy and at peace and.
312
00:33:49,279.2318333 --> 00:33:49,849.2318333
Okay.
313
00:33:49,849.2318333 --> 00:33:52,99.2318333
And not feel like I'm jinxing myself.
314
00:33:53,599.2318333 --> 00:33:54,499.2318333
But fucked up.
315
00:33:55,279.2318333 --> 00:33:59,239.2318333
It's not jinxing myself, that something bad's going to happen.
316
00:33:59,719.2318333 --> 00:34:09,199.2318333
If I feel okay if I allow myself to feel safe and not like I have to hold my breath until the next appointment or until the next thing happens.
317
00:34:10,39.2318333 --> 00:34:11,629.2318333
I'm going to create space.
318
00:34:11,989.2318333 --> 00:34:13,699.2318333
To know that.
319
00:34:15,289.2318333 --> 00:34:15,769.2318333
I am.
320
00:34:16,129.2318333 --> 00:34:17,599.2318333
Taking all of the.
321
00:34:18,439.2318333 --> 00:34:25,429.2318333
Steps necessary to do what I'm want to do to look into an issue.
322
00:34:25,879.2318333 --> 00:34:27,589.2318333
And also living my life.
323
00:34:28,819.2318333 --> 00:34:30,439.2318333
Making space for both.
324
00:34:30,979.2318333 --> 00:34:34,879.2318333
What in your life? Is happening.
325
00:34:35,449.2318333 --> 00:34:42,589.2318333
That you can think of it, or you can look at it and think instead of trying to push it away or resolve it or fix it.
326
00:34:44,689.2318333 --> 00:34:46,9.2318333
Like, what if you just.
327
00:34:46,909.2318333 --> 00:34:50,149.2318333
Try to create more space around it.
328
00:34:51,199.2318333 --> 00:34:53,929.2318333
Breathe around it.
329
00:34:53,929.2318333 --> 00:34:55,909.2318333
I acknowledge it.
330
00:34:58,609.2318333 --> 00:34:59,479.2318333
Be with it.
331
00:35:01,189.2318333 --> 00:35:02,389.2318333
Empathize with it.
332
00:35:02,659.2318333 --> 00:35:03,469.2318333
Thank it.
333
00:35:07,279.2318333 --> 00:35:10,909.2318333
And increase your capacity to experience.
334
00:35:13,249.2318333 --> 00:35:15,379.2318333
More outside of that as well.
335
00:35:17,659.2318333 --> 00:35:18,889.2318333
It's not that where.
336
00:35:19,759.2318333 --> 00:35:22,669.2318333
Trying to make the thing disappear.
337
00:35:23,89.2318333 --> 00:35:24,739.2318333
It's that we're increasing our.
338
00:35:25,519.2318333 --> 00:35:26,929.2318333
Internal state or.
339
00:35:27,589.2318333 --> 00:35:30,499.2318333
Capacity our space to hold.
340
00:35:31,219.2318333 --> 00:35:33,379.2318333
A lot more things, which naturally.
341
00:35:33,649.2318333 --> 00:35:37,129.2318333
Can make that one thing that feels really hard.
342
00:35:38,509.2318333 --> 00:35:39,439.2318333
Feel a little bit more.
343
00:35:39,439.2318333 --> 00:35:40,369.2318333
Right-sized.
344
00:35:41,179.2318333 --> 00:35:42,979.2318333
A little bit smaller.
345
00:35:43,669.2318333 --> 00:35:45,379.2318333
Just as a natural byproduct.
346
00:35:49,309.2318333 --> 00:35:50,749.2318333
Oh, get Oki.
347
00:35:51,259.2318333 --> 00:35:53,89.2318333
So that was what I have for you today.
348
00:35:53,539.2318333 --> 00:35:57,679.2318333
Um, for the record, this is not a formal turn of the podcast.
349
00:35:57,679.2318333 --> 00:36:00,529.2318333
I will probably not make it a habit talking.
350
00:36:02,239.2318333 --> 00:36:03,49.2318333
Body bards.
351
00:36:03,709.2318333 --> 00:36:12,709.2318333
And medical issues, but to, um, It's just been so consuming for me for like, since the end of last year.
352
00:36:12,859.2318333 --> 00:36:19,909.2318333
And, um, I, I wanted to speak it out and you know what, honestly, maybe just.
353
00:36:21,259.2318333 --> 00:36:24,829.2318333
Letting it out here, we'll take a lot of the air out of it as well.
354
00:36:24,919.2318333 --> 00:36:25,849.2318333
You know, that works.
355
00:36:27,319.2318333 --> 00:36:28,189.2318333
Okey-dokey.
356
00:36:28,699.2318333 --> 00:36:30,799.2318333
That is what I have for you today.
357
00:36:30,919.2318333 --> 00:36:32,239.2318333
Uh, if you.
358
00:36:33,169.2318333 --> 00:36:38,599.2318333
Um, Feel inspired to leave a review on the podcast.
359
00:36:38,629.2318333 --> 00:36:40,249.2318333
It would be greatly appreciated.
360
00:36:40,249.2318333 --> 00:36:48,109.2318333
Apparently that's how other people, um, finally find the podcast is through reviews and sharing and stuff like that.
361
00:36:48,109.2318333 --> 00:36:53,549.2318333
So, I thank you so much for being here and spending your precious minutes.
362
00:36:53,549.2318333 --> 00:36:55,289.2318333
Listening to my inner most.
363
00:36:56,699.2318333 --> 00:36:58,859.2318333
Ramblings and I hope.
364
00:36:59,399.2318333 --> 00:37:00,899.2318333
They have been of some.
365
00:37:01,919.2318333 --> 00:37:02,819.2318333
Service to you.
366
00:37:03,269.2318333 --> 00:37:03,509.2318333
So.
367
00:37:04,709.2318333 --> 00:37:06,89.2318333
Until next week.
368
00:37:06,119.2318333 --> 00:37:07,739.2318333
I love you.
369
00:37:09,157.2363685 --> 00:37:12,377.2363685
This has been an Awkward Sage Production.
00:00:00,050 --> 00:00:06,79.9999999999
And I realized that a core component of the fear that I have, that something's wrong.
2
00:00:07,660.0009999999 --> 00:00:24,480.001
Is the fear of it being my fault, the fear of if something were to be wrong and I did not advocate for myself, I was not quote unquote strong enough to Pursue it or yada, yada, yada.
3
00:00:24,780.001 --> 00:00:26,80.001
Then if something happened.
4
00:00:27,845.001 --> 00:00:28,715.001
It's my fault.
5
00:00:30,615.001 --> 00:00:32,255.001
Feels like a lot of pressure.
6
00:00:33,155.001 --> 00:00:51,645.001
Mother the mother is what we need, mother, the mother, I don't typically talk about like medical stuff but I am in the business of normalizing whatever the hell is crippling me in my life.
7
00:00:51,645.001 --> 00:00:53,465
And this has been crippling me.
8
00:00:53,465 --> 00:00:55,584.999
It's really been making me so anxious.
9
00:00:55,585.099 --> 00:01:01,934.899
I just wanted to shed light on the very real push and pull that comes with.
10
00:01:01,934.899 --> 00:01:08,744.8985
Making sure you're not dismissed and trying to track down and make sense of like your symptoms or what's going on in your body.
11
00:01:08,744.8985 --> 00:01:18,614.899
That's making you nervous and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, while also just wanting someone to put their hand on your shoulder and tell you it's okay, you're okay.
12
00:01:19,4.898 --> 00:01:22,394.899
And you can believe them because they put the same amount of care.
13
00:01:23,144.899 --> 00:01:27,354.899
And attention and effort into you as you do for everyone else.
14
00:01:27,704.899 --> 00:01:31,684.899
Help Me See is a podcast dedicated to the art of seeing.
15
00:01:32,324.899 --> 00:01:39,14.899
It's a space for the restless visionary with an insatiable desire to create the life and work you're meant for.
16
00:01:39,989.899 --> 00:01:49,109.899
My name is Bianca Lea Mora, and I'm a photographic artist, a mother, and a coach who's transformed my fear of loss into power, art, and philosophy.
17
00:01:49,379.899 --> 00:02:02,539.899
One of the scariest quotes I never want to say is, I wish I knew at the time, but I truly believe that we have the innate ability to bring our wise 2020 hindsight to our now.
18
00:02:03,439.899 --> 00:02:10,679.898
You can deeply experience your nostalgia now, while it's actually happening, with no regrets.
19
00:02:11,779.899 --> 00:02:13,109.899
All you have to do is see.
20
00:02:14,209.899 --> 00:02:30,59.899
In this show, we laugh, we cry, we get inspired, we overshare, we have life changing conversations around making meaning, self discovery, and shedding all the BS layers in order to reconnect to our own sacred vision.
21
00:02:30,869.899 --> 00:02:34,529.899
Seeing yourself is an essential key to living powerfully.
22
00:02:34,939.899 --> 00:02:39,749.899
You are the vessel, the lens that filters absolutely everything in your life.
23
00:02:40,709.898 --> 00:03:02,264.899
What are you filtering for? Whether it be conversations with fellow artists and visionaries, or my solo audio journal style introspective ramblings, each episode is meant to feel like an exhale, an unraveling of truth, a moment for you to be able to put your finger on something that you haven't been able to for far too long.
24
00:03:03,824.898 --> 00:03:05,894.898
Come exactly as you are.
25
00:03:06,184.898 --> 00:03:07,44.898
It's perfect.
26
00:03:07,754.898 --> 00:03:09,274.898
Honor your instincts.
27
00:03:09,334.898 --> 00:03:14,954.898
Let's uncover some of the most important things in our lives which all too often can slip out from our view.
28
00:03:16,279.899 --> 00:03:23,159.899
Let's commit to seeing and consciously creating what only you can in your one and only life.
29
00:03:24,299.899 --> 00:03:24,969.899
Let's dive in.
30
00:03:31,88.23233333 --> 00:03:36,568.23233333
Hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of health BC today.
31
00:03:36,688.23233333 --> 00:03:41,758.23233333
I am coming to you from the car, so it might sound a bit different.
32
00:03:43,598.23133333 --> 00:03:49,188.23233333
I am on my way going to a doctor's appointment.
33
00:03:49,188.33233333 --> 00:03:57,208.23133333
This episode is different in general, but it just feels like something important that I wanted to just talk about openly.
34
00:03:57,838.23233333 --> 00:04:11,918.23233333
So I have had this weird, um, like breast pain, boob pain, whatever you want to call it, but not even like pain, just like a weird sensation that I had.
35
00:04:12,538.23133333 --> 00:04:29,253.13233333
I feel like I've been feeling this since like Christmas and you go through the process of thinking like, okay, am I overreacting or okay, am I? Um, fixating too much on this.
36
00:04:29,253.23233333 --> 00:04:33,113.23233333
Um, and then I went to the doctor and the the mammogram came out fine.
37
00:04:33,123.23233333 --> 00:04:37,653.23233333
Saw nothing in the side that I was having a problem and then on the other side found something to keep an eye on.
38
00:04:37,653.23233333 --> 00:04:50,573.23233333
Um, but there's this, there's this paranoia that I know cannot be just me about being told you're okay.
39
00:04:54,563.23233333 --> 00:05:05,893.23183333
I feel like oftentimes we hear these stories about how, you know, this person advocated for themselves and didn't take no for an answer and blah, blah, blah.
40
00:05:05,893.23183333 --> 00:05:06,843.23233333
And it turns out.
41
00:05:07,513.23233333 --> 00:05:23,293.23233333
They were right, but what, what about that middle ground where you don't know if you're right and you don't know if you should or should not keep advocating for yourself.
42
00:05:29,133.23333333 --> 00:05:36,253.23233333
I've been in my body 34 years and I know that this new sensation I've been feeling is new.
43
00:05:37,733.23233333 --> 00:05:41,63.23233333
However, I don't know what it means.
44
00:05:43,818.23233333 --> 00:05:55,88.23133333
I was having a conversation with a friend the other day about how she went to her doctor and was dismissed, um, and said, Oh, you're fine about something.
45
00:05:55,488.23233333 --> 00:06:03,898.23233333
And then she had been having this sidebar conversation with, um, with a friend of hers who's in the medical field.
46
00:06:04,8.23233333 --> 00:06:12,58.13233333
And they were like, Oh no, you, you need to be seen by blah, blah, blah, like that not to freak you out, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
47
00:06:12,58.23233333 --> 00:06:12,568.23233333
The end.
48
00:06:13,538.23233333 --> 00:06:43,288.23233333
I just feel like In a world where the maternal instinct is so vital and we do the job of so many and we take care of so many, it's really sad.
49
00:06:43,338.23233333 --> 00:06:51,408.23233333
And honestly, in my experience, traumatizing to feel like I can't let my guard down to be taken seriously.
50
00:06:52,288.23233333 --> 00:06:57,228.23233333
I can't trust that I'm going to be taken care of.
51
00:07:00,28.23233333 --> 00:07:10,508.23233333
And I'm not taking, putting the responsibility on, off of myself and saying like, this is why I can't relax.
52
00:07:11,548.23233333 --> 00:07:25,968.13233333
Actually, wait, no, I am saying that, no, I am saying, I am saying that, but I'm, I'm speaking out loud the reasons why this is happening.
53
00:07:25,978.23233333 --> 00:07:48,818.23233333
This behavior has come to be, um, I was thinking about it the other day and leading up to this appointment and I'm like, okay, if everything goes well after this appointment, I'm just going to let it go and let it go on with my life.
54
00:07:49,298.23233333 --> 00:07:50,378.23233333
Like that's all I can do.
55
00:07:50,408.23233333 --> 00:07:56,633.26566667
I've like pressed this, you know, I've pursued, I've asked, yada, yada, yada.
56
00:07:56,633.26566667 --> 00:07:57,583.13233333
I've had.
57
00:07:57,873.23233333 --> 00:08:00,193.23233333
Annoying problems with insurance company.
58
00:08:00,243.23233333 --> 00:08:01,583.23233333
Don't even get me started.
59
00:08:02,233.23233333 --> 00:08:09,553.23233333
Um, but then even as I said that to myself, like, okay, after this, just trust it.
60
00:08:09,553.23233333 --> 00:08:13,383.23133333
Like at this point it's probably medical anxiety.
61
00:08:13,453.23133333 --> 00:08:18,783.23133333
Like there needs to be a point where I trust the results of what's happening.
62
00:08:19,973.23133333 --> 00:08:32,163.23133333
And I realized that a core component of the fear that I have, that something's wrong.
63
00:08:33,743.23233333 --> 00:08:55,983.23233333
Is the fear of it being my fault, the fear of if something were to be wrong and I did not advocate for myself, I was not quote unquote strong enough to advocate for myself or I didn't pursue it or yada, yada, yada.
64
00:08:56,283.23233333 --> 00:08:57,583.23233333
Then if something happened.
65
00:08:59,348.23233333 --> 00:09:00,218.23233333
It's my fault.
66
00:09:07,768.23233333 --> 00:09:09,408.23233333
Feels like a lot of pressure.
67
00:09:13,518.23233333 --> 00:09:20,678.23233333
Mothers are raising Generations upon generations of of human beings.
68
00:09:23,838.23233333 --> 00:09:48,283.23233333
And now with this like elevated state of consciousness and gentle parenting and You know focusing on Healing and growth so that we can be the mothers that we want to be but how much weight can a person carry? Not Ken, how much we.
69
00:09:49,288.23233333 --> 00:10:01,678.23233333
Should a person carry? Should not? I don't know.
70
00:10:01,678.23233333 --> 00:10:16,368.23233333
I just, I'm so frustrated with how it feels to go through this and to feel like any way I slice it, I'm doing something wrong.
71
00:10:17,318.23233333 --> 00:10:19,768.23233333
Like advocating for myself.
72
00:10:20,468.23233333 --> 00:10:33,248.23233333
But if I'm not, if it, if it truly is nothing and I'm just getting paranoid now, then I'm wasting everyone's time.
73
00:10:33,278.23233333 --> 00:10:37,438.23233333
Like I'm wasting the disappointments time.
74
00:10:37,478.23133333 --> 00:10:47,288.23133333
I'm, um, adding unnecessary, unnecessary amounts of, you know, radiation or whatever inside of me earlier than needs to happen.
75
00:10:48,368.23233333 --> 00:11:00,23.23233333
I'm, you know, wasting my life worrying about this, but if I didn't, And it was some, it's just, it's just exhausting.
76
00:11:00,283.23233333 --> 00:11:09,203.23233333
Just like talking out loud, my, the thoughts that go on, it's exhausting and it feels so ridiculous, but it's also not.
77
00:11:09,213.23233333 --> 00:11:11,573.23233333
It makes perfect sense with the way the world is set up.
78
00:11:21,993.23133333 --> 00:12:04,628.23233333
Mother the mother is what we need, mother, the mother, I'm nervous and I don't typically talk about like medical stuff or whatever, but I am in the business of normalizing whatever the hell is crippling me in my life.
79
00:12:06,188.23233333 --> 00:12:08,8.23133333
And this has been crippling me.
80
00:12:09,58.23333333 --> 00:12:12,518.23233333
It's really been making me so anxious.
81
00:12:12,518.33233333 --> 00:12:23,248.23233333
I just wanted to shed light on the very real push and pull that comes with.
82
00:12:30,628.23233333 --> 00:12:44,438.23233333
Making sure you're not dismissed and researching to the point where you're damn near getting your own degree, trying to track down and make sense of like your symptoms or what's going on in your body.
83
00:12:44,438.23233333 --> 00:12:54,308.23283333
That's making you nervous and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, while also just wanting someone to put their hand on your shoulder and tell you it's okay, you're okay.
84
00:12:54,698.23183333 --> 00:12:58,88.23283333
And you can believe them because they put the same amount of care.
85
00:12:58,838.23283333 --> 00:13:03,48.23283333
And attention and effort into you as you do for everyone else.
86
00:13:09,808.23283333 --> 00:13:30,158.23283333
So if this is hitting home for you, I just want to say, I see you, I'm putting my hand on your shoulder and I really have nothing.
87
00:13:31,888.23183333 --> 00:13:34,808.23283333
At the light, turn right onto East 105th Street.
88
00:13:40,923.23283333 --> 00:13:54,83.23283333
Nothing earth shattering to tell you other than let's take care of ourselves as well as we're taking care of others.
89
00:13:55,83.23283333 --> 00:13:56,163.23283333
Whatever that means.
90
00:13:56,303.23283333 --> 00:13:58,523.23183333
I don't know what it means for me.
91
00:13:59,693.23183333 --> 00:14:08,313.23283333
It means after this appointment, I'm finding some beautiful coffee shop and I'm going to sit down and I'm going to read.
92
00:14:13,633.23183333 --> 00:14:16,523.23183333
In three quarters of a mile, turn right into the parking lot.
93
00:14:17,613.23283333 --> 00:14:29,344.91575
Well, first I'll probably, um, follow up here, come back, record what happened in the appointment, and then go to the coffee shop.
94
00:14:29,344.91575 --> 00:14:30,33.23233333
Okay.
95
00:14:30,33.23233333 --> 00:14:32,98.18208333
Be right back.
96
00:14:32,98.18208333 --> 00:14:38,793.23183333
I'm getting ready to pull in the garage.
97
00:17:02,524.2328333 --> 00:17:03,944.2328333
Okay, I'm back.
98
00:17:05,624.2328333 --> 00:17:07,994.2328333
I am at my desk.
99
00:17:08,634.2328333 --> 00:17:16,184.2318333
My kiddos just fell asleep, uh, while I was doing the dishwasher and, like, kind of cleaning up.
100
00:17:16,224.2328333 --> 00:17:18,549.1328333
And I did not at all expect them to be awake.
101
00:17:18,839.2328333 --> 00:17:28,379.2328333
Asleep by the time I got back up there and they were Which is super super rare to for them both to be sleeping by nine o'clock in this house.
102
00:17:30,199.2328333 --> 00:17:31,89.2328333
I Have some night out.
103
00:17:31,99.2328333 --> 00:17:42,679.2328333
No, I have one night owl, but the other one My older one stays up until around like nine and then he tells me he's ready to go to bed And we go to bed together.
104
00:17:42,869.2328333 --> 00:17:48,239.2328333
I lay down with him until he falls asleep, but my younger one He likes to party.
105
00:17:48,239.3328333 --> 00:18:00,519.2328333
Um, I just didn't feel closure around the conversation.
106
00:18:00,519.2328333 --> 00:18:05,719.2328333
So I wanted to come back before setting this episode to post.
107
00:18:05,909.2328333 --> 00:18:09,529.2328333
Of course, there's no, like, official way to end an episode here.
108
00:18:09,529.2328333 --> 00:18:14,139.2328333
But I I'm Mile.
109
00:18:16,579.2328333 --> 00:18:18,9.2328333
My dog just came down the stairs.
110
00:18:18,769.2328333 --> 00:18:27,389.2328333
I just had a lot of, um, things popping up since I got home.
111
00:18:27,509.2328333 --> 00:18:32,649.2318333
I just, I've had a headache and just kind of feeling a little bit blank.
112
00:18:37,49.2318333 --> 00:18:54,739.2318333
And I've been reflecting on how I told myself that after this appointment, I'm just going to let myself live my life and how cognitively I understand that it makes no sense that I am living under the influence of like withholding that from myself until doctor's appointments.
113
00:18:54,799.2318333 --> 00:19:12,484.2318333
And, and how now I have a, um, another appointment to go to, um, but You cannot keep moving the goalpost.
114
00:19:12,484.3318333 --> 00:19:22,264.2318333
I think that's something that a lot of us tend to do, is that we say, okay, when this happens, then blah, blah, blah.
115
00:19:22,714.2308333 --> 00:19:25,254.2308333
When this happens, then I can blah, blah, blah.
116
00:19:25,384.2318333 --> 00:19:32,54.2318333
When this happens, and then that thing happens, but you already see something else down the horizon.
117
00:19:32,64.2318333 --> 00:19:33,774.2318333
So you're like, oh, okay, it's actually that.
118
00:19:33,864.2318333 --> 00:19:36,604.2318333
And it's just so exhausting.
119
00:19:37,424.2318333 --> 00:19:39,784.2318333
It's such an exhausting way to exist.
120
00:19:40,434.2318333 --> 00:19:44,914.2318333
Uh, and I feel like it's really muting of joy.
121
00:19:44,924.2318333 --> 00:19:46,604.2308333
Like it mutes your joy.
122
00:19:46,614.2318333 --> 00:19:53,894.2318333
You feel like you can't ever actually celebrate something fully or soak it in because you already know the next thing that has to get done.
123
00:19:55,964.2308333 --> 00:19:58,464.2318333
That's something I feel like I've experienced a lot in my life.
124
00:19:58,474.2318333 --> 00:20:03,434.2318333
It's like, I feel like my mom is always waiting for the other shoe to drop type of thing.
125
00:20:04,204.2318333 --> 00:20:07,669.2318333
And, um, It frustrates me so much.
126
00:20:07,689.2318333 --> 00:20:10,459.2318333
And now I see that I do it myself too.
127
00:20:10,459.3318333 --> 00:20:27,419.2318333
And I'm just interested by this notion of like holding all of it loosely, not holding all of it in the way of like, I can hold the world on my shoulders.
128
00:20:28,679.2318333 --> 00:20:30,989.2318333
But in this way of.
129
00:20:34,489.2318333 --> 00:20:40,819.2318333
Inner groundedness again, related to my craft, my photo.
130
00:20:41,299.2318333 --> 00:20:42,619.2318333
Photo sessions, my art.
131
00:20:44,329.2318333 --> 00:20:47,359.2318333
There's just never going to be a time where.
132
00:20:49,69.2318333 --> 00:20:50,389.2318333
I don't trust.
133
00:20:50,869.2318333 --> 00:20:51,829.2318333
That I'm okay.
134
00:20:53,839.2318333 --> 00:20:55,849.2318333
Like there is this.
135
00:20:56,809.2318333 --> 00:20:58,999.2318333
Like no matter what, and I don't mean.
136
00:21:00,919.2318333 --> 00:21:03,799.2318333
It's like a cockiness or like a.
137
00:21:04,489.2318333 --> 00:21:07,459.2318333
Um, I don't know how to describe.
138
00:21:07,519.2318333 --> 00:21:13,999.2318333
It's just this deep inner knowing of like, I know that if I am.
139
00:21:14,539.2318333 --> 00:21:17,89.2318333
Breathing and here and present.
140
00:21:17,809.2318333 --> 00:21:18,109.2318333
And.
141
00:21:18,889.2318333 --> 00:21:20,119.2318333
Prioritizing like.
142
00:21:20,989.2318333 --> 00:21:23,539.2318333
Truth and connecting with the people in front of me.
143
00:21:24,139.2318333 --> 00:21:25,99.2318333
All will be well.
144
00:21:26,449.2318333 --> 00:21:28,69.2318333
All as well with my soul.
145
00:21:30,409.2318333 --> 00:21:31,159.2318333
And.
146
00:21:36,49.2318333 --> 00:21:37,939.2318333
It can be so much harder.
147
00:21:40,249.2318333 --> 00:21:41,449.2318333
To do that.
148
00:21:43,759.2318333 --> 00:21:46,249.2318333
With an inside of ourselves.
149
00:21:48,709.2318333 --> 00:21:51,139.2318333
Not in service to someone else.
150
00:21:51,259.2318333 --> 00:21:51,889.2318333
Not.
151
00:21:53,509.2318333 --> 00:21:54,889.2318333
Doing a task.
152
00:21:56,329.2318333 --> 00:21:57,529.2318333
Not in creating.
153
00:21:58,429.2318333 --> 00:22:02,59.2318333
Well, maybe all of the above, but like in reference to ourself only.
154
00:22:03,429.2318333 --> 00:22:03,909.2318333
Like Ken.
155
00:22:03,909.2318333 --> 00:22:04,839.2318333
I know.
156
00:22:06,549.2318333 --> 00:22:09,249.2318333
Can I trust that it will all be okay.
157
00:22:10,719.2318333 --> 00:22:13,269.2318333
Even if it's not all okay.
158
00:22:22,509.2318333 --> 00:22:26,499.2318333
I just finished reading this book called the surrender experiment by Michael singer.
159
00:22:27,129.2318333 --> 00:22:31,719.2318333
And, um, his, the first book, I, one of the, I think.
160
00:22:32,19.2318333 --> 00:22:33,999.2318333
The first book I read on.
161
00:22:34,899.2318333 --> 00:22:37,209.2318333
Like consciousness, speaking of it the way.
162
00:22:37,839.2318333 --> 00:22:41,499.2318333
That he does was, um, the untethered soul.
163
00:22:43,689.2318333 --> 00:22:56,439.2318333
And it really changed, like everything for me, it's one of those books where, um, You just can't unseat, uh, or, you know, uh, no unlearn what.
164
00:22:57,819.2318333 --> 00:23:00,9.2318333
That book brought to you, brought to me.
165
00:23:00,909.2318333 --> 00:23:03,969.2318333
Um, And.
166
00:23:05,829.2318333 --> 00:23:09,99.2318333
He talks about like that voice in your head and how.
167
00:23:10,209.2318333 --> 00:23:11,709.2318333
You know, you are not your thoughts.
168
00:23:11,709.2318333 --> 00:23:15,189.2318333
You are not your, um, preferences.
169
00:23:15,189.2318333 --> 00:23:16,419.2318333
You're not your opinions.
170
00:23:16,419.2318333 --> 00:23:16,899.2318333
You're not.
171
00:23:17,829.2318333 --> 00:23:20,199.2318333
You you're the one witnessing that.
172
00:23:20,739.2318333 --> 00:23:26,619.2318333
And this whole idea of your seat of consciousness and the witnessing.
173
00:23:27,759.2318333 --> 00:23:37,689.2318333
You ever, you know, those moments where you're talking, but then you're also in your head being like, This is so interesting that I'm actually saying words because I'm freaking out.
174
00:23:37,749.2318333 --> 00:23:39,969.2318333
Like this happens to me sometimes.
175
00:23:40,449.2318333 --> 00:23:44,259.2318333
Well, I mean, it's been a long time since I've had a job interview, but like a job interview.
176
00:23:45,609.2318333 --> 00:23:51,129.2318333
Oh, be talking after being asked a question and I'm like, I have no idea what I'm saying right now.
177
00:23:51,159.2318333 --> 00:23:57,819.2318333
Like, Because I'm so nervous that I'm inside of my mind, but also I'm speaking coherently.
178
00:23:58,749.2318333 --> 00:24:02,289.2318333
It's just so odd, but, um, Anyway.
179
00:24:03,309.2318333 --> 00:24:04,119.2318333
Blah, blah, blah.
180
00:24:04,179.2318333 --> 00:24:04,779.2318333
I'm getting.
181
00:24:05,709.2318333 --> 00:24:12,39.2318333
On a tangent, but the surrender experiment is about how he decided to surrender.
182
00:24:12,579.2318333 --> 00:24:13,389.2318333
Two.
183
00:24:14,829.2318333 --> 00:24:18,249.2318333
Kind of the will of the universe in whatever that is.
184
00:24:18,609.2318333 --> 00:24:21,519.2318333
So, although all he wanted to do.
185
00:24:21,969.2318333 --> 00:24:31,539.2318333
Was focused on his meditation and focus on his work and spend as much time meditating as possible because he had this profound experience where he was meditating and.
186
00:24:32,49.2318333 --> 00:24:38,259.2318333
He just reached this feeling of like, Pure love and peace and enlightenment.
187
00:24:38,289.2318333 --> 00:24:41,169.2318333
And like, he was completely hooked after that.
188
00:24:41,589.2318333 --> 00:24:45,519.2318333
Um, And he was very much not in that world before that.
189
00:24:45,909.2318333 --> 00:24:46,329.2318333
Incident.
190
00:24:47,529.2318333 --> 00:24:54,219.2318333
And, um, Along the way.
191
00:24:54,969.2318333 --> 00:24:55,959.2318333
He.
192
00:24:57,309.2318333 --> 00:24:58,809.2318333
In saying yes.
193
00:24:58,869.2318333 --> 00:25:01,839.2318333
And in surrendering to the will of.
194
00:25:02,739.2318333 --> 00:25:06,669.2318333
Uh, life and experience instead of resisting it.
195
00:25:07,149.2318333 --> 00:25:15,729.2318333
Um, and fighting it and working harder and, you know, Willing your way here, there in the other place.
196
00:25:16,269.2318333 --> 00:25:25,959.2318333
Um, He shares all of this crazy serendipitous, like synchronistic weird things that have happened.
197
00:25:25,989.2318333 --> 00:25:31,839.2318333
Um, And.
198
00:25:32,589.2318333 --> 00:25:34,899.2318333
I think it's so interesting.
199
00:25:35,49.2318333 --> 00:25:37,389.2318333
I'm very intrigued by it.
200
00:25:38,379.2318333 --> 00:25:41,739.2318333
Also, I very much don't want to do that.
201
00:25:44,739.2318333 --> 00:25:45,159.2318333
But.
202
00:25:47,259.2318333 --> 00:25:48,759.2318333
If so beautiful because.
203
00:25:49,749.2318333 --> 00:25:51,69.2318333
In the surrender.
204
00:25:54,609.2318333 --> 00:25:55,359.2318333
He.
205
00:25:56,319.2318333 --> 00:26:01,599.2318333
Was brought so many incredible, magical experiences that would not.
206
00:26:02,259.2318333 --> 00:26:08,19.2318333
Well, who knows if it would have or not, but seemingly would not have come to him.
207
00:26:08,709.2318333 --> 00:26:11,499.2318333
Had he done what he wanted to do.
208
00:26:12,9.2318333 --> 00:26:13,119.2318333
And the part of me.
209
00:26:13,869.2318333 --> 00:26:15,939.2318333
Like I, and I'm like, yeah, but we have freewill.
210
00:26:15,939.2318333 --> 00:26:16,119.2318333
And since.
211
00:26:16,179.2318333 --> 00:26:23,469.2318333
That's the beauty of like choice and autonomy and, um, you know, making decisions that are in alignment with us.
212
00:26:24,249.2318333 --> 00:26:27,849.2318333
But also white knuckle when you're holding on too tight.
213
00:26:31,359.2318333 --> 00:26:35,799.2318333
You can't allow for something more beautiful than you had ever imagined.
214
00:26:36,9.2318333 --> 00:26:41,439.2318333
Right? When you're holding on too tight.
215
00:26:42,429.2318333 --> 00:26:47,559.2318333
You're really, really limiting yourself to what you can and do experience.
216
00:26:52,749.2318333 --> 00:26:54,789.2318333
So it's again.
217
00:26:55,989.2318333 --> 00:26:58,569.2318333
Just really interesting to me to think about.
218
00:27:00,399.2318333 --> 00:27:01,89.2318333
Okay.
219
00:27:04,209.2318333 --> 00:27:05,769.2318333
I have my own back.
220
00:27:06,549.2318333 --> 00:27:07,179.2318333
And I'm.
221
00:27:07,689.2318333 --> 00:27:10,929.2318333
Trusting my full self and I advocate for myself.
222
00:27:12,609.2318333 --> 00:27:13,389.2318333
And.
223
00:27:18,699.2318333 --> 00:27:21,129.2318333
There's a time where it will feel.
224
00:27:21,879.2318333 --> 00:27:24,159.2318333
Okay to put it down.
225
00:27:24,699.2318333 --> 00:27:25,719.2318333
To surrender.
226
00:27:31,539.2318333 --> 00:27:45,609.2318333
And what happens then? Like there are all these injustices in the world.
227
00:27:45,639.2318333 --> 00:27:45,909.2318333
And.
228
00:27:47,889.2318333 --> 00:27:48,909.2318333
Oh, my gosh.
229
00:27:51,429.2318333 --> 00:27:54,9.2318333
I acknowledge my privilege.
230
00:27:56,109.2318333 --> 00:27:58,779.2318333
My insane privilege in.
231
00:27:59,829.2318333 --> 00:28:04,29.2318333
In the experience that I am deeming injustice.
232
00:28:04,419.2318333 --> 00:28:04,749.2318333
Right.
233
00:28:04,899.2318333 --> 00:28:05,439.2318333
I mean.
234
00:28:07,269.2318333 --> 00:28:08,919.2318333
It is one crazy world.
235
00:28:10,839.2318333 --> 00:28:13,959.2318333
I mean, every experience is valid and also.
236
00:28:16,239.2318333 --> 00:28:19,749.2318333
Deep acknowledgement and holding space for.
237
00:28:22,149.2318333 --> 00:28:22,929.2318333
All of it.
238
00:28:25,389.2318333 --> 00:28:26,49.2318333
And.
239
00:28:32,649.2318333 --> 00:28:39,309.2318333
Can we make steps to strengthen ourselves and link arms with each other.
240
00:28:40,959.2318333 --> 00:28:46,869.2318333
And share and prop and hold each other up and support each other in these ways.
241
00:28:51,189.2318333 --> 00:28:52,119.2318333
Where we can.
242
00:28:52,479.2318333 --> 00:28:53,349.2318333
Exist.
243
00:28:53,439.2318333 --> 00:28:57,669.2318333
Co-exist in a world where that's more supportive and inclusive for everyone.
244
00:28:58,899.2318333 --> 00:29:01,569.2318333
And also not.
245
00:29:02,529.2318333 --> 00:29:03,879.2318333
Be beholden.
246
00:29:04,809.2318333 --> 00:29:05,739.2318333
To the fight.
247
00:29:06,999.2318333 --> 00:29:07,929.2318333
You know, like.
248
00:29:09,909.2318333 --> 00:29:12,939.2318333
Yes, there are so many stories that I've heard of.
249
00:29:14,139.2318333 --> 00:29:22,59.2318333
Um, being dismissed in a medical setting or, you know, not this not happening or whatever.
250
00:29:25,569.2318333 --> 00:29:28,179.2318333
And I can pursue, pursue, pursue.
251
00:29:29,379.2318333 --> 00:29:30,249.2318333
But can I.
252
00:29:30,939.2318333 --> 00:29:33,339.2318333
Listen to that quiet voice and pursue.
253
00:29:34,809.2318333 --> 00:29:35,889.2318333
Without.
254
00:29:36,759.2318333 --> 00:29:38,709.2318333
The inks and the.
255
00:29:39,429.2318333 --> 00:29:40,899.2318333
Crippling fear.
256
00:29:43,389.2318333 --> 00:29:44,619.2318333
And the emptiness.
257
00:29:54,339.2318333 --> 00:29:57,729.2318333
Can I hold on to a feeling of inner peace.
258
00:30:01,449.2318333 --> 00:30:03,69.2318333
Because I know that I am not.
259
00:30:04,839.2318333 --> 00:30:06,9.2318333
Withholding.
260
00:30:06,699.2318333 --> 00:30:08,559.2318333
Life for myself until.
261
00:30:13,209.2318333 --> 00:30:15,219.2318333
I can submit to being okay.
262
00:30:17,589.2318333 --> 00:30:18,489.2318333
I mean just tonight.
263
00:30:18,939.2318333 --> 00:30:21,249.2318333
We were in the basement because we had a tornado warning.
264
00:30:22,59.2318333 --> 00:30:28,989.2318333
And, um, A couple of things like got really screwed up, like really close to us and.
265
00:30:33,309.2318333 --> 00:30:33,429.2318333
Yeah.
266
00:30:33,429.2318333 --> 00:30:35,49.2318333
You just think about these things.
267
00:30:35,49.2318333 --> 00:30:37,869.2318333
It's like, oh my gosh, this doctor's appointment was the biggest thing today.
268
00:30:37,869.2318333 --> 00:30:39,489.2318333
And then all of a sudden I'm in my basement.
269
00:30:40,659.2318333 --> 00:30:43,659.2318333
Um, You know, with the kids and the dog and.
270
00:30:44,439.2318333 --> 00:30:45,129.2318333
My partner.
271
00:30:50,319.2318333 --> 00:30:51,399.2318333
We're so.
272
00:30:52,479.2318333 --> 00:30:53,529.2318333
Intelligent.
273
00:30:55,929.2318333 --> 00:30:57,189.2318333
And also.
274
00:31:01,749.2318333 --> 00:31:03,189.2318333
We are so.
275
00:31:07,299.2318333 --> 00:31:08,409.2318333
Overly.
276
00:31:15,399.2318333 --> 00:31:17,889.2318333
Clinging to this notion that.
277
00:31:23,949.2318333 --> 00:31:25,599.2318333
We can control.
278
00:31:35,979.2318333 --> 00:31:44,119.2318333
What does it look like? To not look away from.
279
00:31:47,969.2318333 --> 00:31:50,339.2318333
Pain and suffering and.
280
00:31:52,649.2318333 --> 00:31:54,809.2318333
Injustice and.
281
00:31:57,329.2318333 --> 00:31:58,229.2318333
Fear.
282
00:32:01,559.2318333 --> 00:32:03,419.2318333
But makes base.
283
00:32:04,259.2318333 --> 00:32:07,199.2318333
To also allow yourself to live.
284
00:32:09,179.2318333 --> 00:32:12,119.2318333
With joy and with light and with love.
285
00:32:15,839.2318333 --> 00:32:16,949.2318333
A friend and a.
286
00:32:18,629.2318333 --> 00:32:20,909.2318333
Coach and a practitioner that I've had on the show.
287
00:32:20,909.2318333 --> 00:32:24,479.2318333
Um, Meleah rose Xi.
288
00:32:25,559.2318333 --> 00:32:29,429.2318333
Really change the way I think about anxiety.
289
00:32:30,689.2318333 --> 00:32:31,829.2318333
And helping myself.
290
00:32:31,829.2318333 --> 00:32:35,249.2318333
And she had said that it's not about.
291
00:32:36,689.2318333 --> 00:32:39,479.2318333
Getting rid of the anxiety or.
292
00:32:40,109.2318333 --> 00:32:42,509.2318333
Um, regulating yourself.
293
00:32:43,859.2318333 --> 00:32:45,239.2318333
Specifically it's about.
294
00:32:45,659.2318333 --> 00:32:47,909.2318333
Making space.
295
00:32:48,959.2318333 --> 00:32:51,479.2318333
Spaciousness around the anxiety.
296
00:32:52,439.2318333 --> 00:32:55,919.2318333
Being able to hold more than just the anxiety.
297
00:32:57,119.2318333 --> 00:32:58,979.2318333
Increasing your capacity.
298
00:32:59,459.2318333 --> 00:33:01,949.2318333
To be with that anxiety.
299
00:33:04,799.2318333 --> 00:33:05,909.2318333
And other things too.
300
00:33:11,899.2318333 --> 00:33:13,429.2318333
So as I wrap this.
301
00:33:14,869.2318333 --> 00:33:19,129.2318333
Super personal episode about my boob and.
302
00:33:20,299.2318333 --> 00:33:21,889.2318333
My fear am I.
303
00:33:22,579.2318333 --> 00:33:25,69.2318333
Paranoia and medical anxiety.
304
00:33:25,579.2318333 --> 00:33:26,329.2318333
And.
305
00:33:26,929.2318333 --> 00:33:28,279.2318333
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
306
00:33:31,699.2318333 --> 00:33:35,569.2318333
I'm leaving, thinking about how.
307
00:33:36,799.2318333 --> 00:33:37,699.2318333
I can.
308
00:33:38,179.2318333 --> 00:33:41,839.2318333
Allow myself to feel happy and carefree.
309
00:33:42,739.2318333 --> 00:33:43,489.2318333
Uh, carefree.
310
00:33:43,519.2318333 --> 00:33:44,899.2318333
It's even hard for me to say that word.
311
00:33:45,319.2318333 --> 00:33:47,479.2318333
Happy and at peace and.
312
00:33:49,279.2318333 --> 00:33:49,849.2318333
Okay.
313
00:33:49,849.2318333 --> 00:33:52,99.2318333
And not feel like I'm jinxing myself.
314
00:33:53,599.2318333 --> 00:33:54,499.2318333
But fucked up.
315
00:33:55,279.2318333 --> 00:33:59,239.2318333
It's not jinxing myself, that something bad's going to happen.
316
00:33:59,719.2318333 --> 00:34:09,199.2318333
If I feel okay if I allow myself to feel safe and not like I have to hold my breath until the next appointment or until the next thing happens.
317
00:34:10,39.2318333 --> 00:34:11,629.2318333
I'm going to create space.
318
00:34:11,989.2318333 --> 00:34:13,699.2318333
To know that.
319
00:34:15,289.2318333 --> 00:34:15,769.2318333
I am.
320
00:34:16,129.2318333 --> 00:34:17,599.2318333
Taking all of the.
321
00:34:18,439.2318333 --> 00:34:25,429.2318333
Steps necessary to do what I'm want to do to look into an issue.
322
00:34:25,879.2318333 --> 00:34:27,589.2318333
And also living my life.
323
00:34:28,819.2318333 --> 00:34:30,439.2318333
Making space for both.
324
00:34:30,979.2318333 --> 00:34:34,879.2318333
What in your life? Is happening.
325
00:34:35,449.2318333 --> 00:34:42,589.2318333
That you can think of it, or you can look at it and think instead of trying to push it away or resolve it or fix it.
326
00:34:44,689.2318333 --> 00:34:46,9.2318333
Like, what if you just.
327
00:34:46,909.2318333 --> 00:34:50,149.2318333
Try to create more space around it.
328
00:34:51,199.2318333 --> 00:34:53,929.2318333
Breathe around it.
329
00:34:53,929.2318333 --> 00:34:55,909.2318333
I acknowledge it.
330
00:34:58,609.2318333 --> 00:34:59,479.2318333
Be with it.
331
00:35:01,189.2318333 --> 00:35:02,389.2318333
Empathize with it.
332
00:35:02,659.2318333 --> 00:35:03,469.2318333
Thank it.
333
00:35:07,279.2318333 --> 00:35:10,909.2318333
And increase your capacity to experience.
334
00:35:13,249.2318333 --> 00:35:15,379.2318333
More outside of that as well.
335
00:35:17,659.2318333 --> 00:35:18,889.2318333
It's not that where.
336
00:35:19,759.2318333 --> 00:35:22,669.2318333
Trying to make the thing disappear.
337
00:35:23,89.2318333 --> 00:35:24,739.2318333
It's that we're increasing our.
338
00:35:25,519.2318333 --> 00:35:26,929.2318333
Internal state or.
339
00:35:27,589.2318333 --> 00:35:30,499.2318333
Capacity our space to hold.
340
00:35:31,219.2318333 --> 00:35:33,379.2318333
A lot more things, which naturally.
341
00:35:33,649.2318333 --> 00:35:37,129.2318333
Can make that one thing that feels really hard.
342
00:35:38,509.2318333 --> 00:35:39,439.2318333
Feel a little bit more.
343
00:35:39,439.2318333 --> 00:35:40,369.2318333
Right-sized.
344
00:35:41,179.2318333 --> 00:35:42,979.2318333
A little bit smaller.
345
00:35:43,669.2318333 --> 00:35:45,379.2318333
Just as a natural byproduct.
346
00:35:49,309.2318333 --> 00:35:50,749.2318333
Oh, get Oki.
347
00:35:51,259.2318333 --> 00:35:53,89.2318333
So that was what I have for you today.
348
00:35:53,539.2318333 --> 00:35:57,679.2318333
Um, for the record, this is not a formal turn of the podcast.
349
00:35:57,679.2318333 --> 00:36:00,529.2318333
I will probably not make it a habit talking.
350
00:36:02,239.2318333 --> 00:36:03,49.2318333
Body bards.
351
00:36:03,709.2318333 --> 00:36:12,709.2318333
And medical issues, but to, um, It's just been so consuming for me for like, since the end of last year.
352
00:36:12,859.2318333 --> 00:36:19,909.2318333
And, um, I, I wanted to speak it out and you know what, honestly, maybe just.
353
00:36:21,259.2318333 --> 00:36:24,829.2318333
Letting it out here, we'll take a lot of the air out of it as well.
354
00:36:24,919.2318333 --> 00:36:25,849.2318333
You know, that works.
355
00:36:27,319.2318333 --> 00:36:28,189.2318333
Okey-dokey.
356
00:36:28,699.2318333 --> 00:36:30,799.2318333
That is what I have for you today.
357
00:36:30,919.2318333 --> 00:36:32,239.2318333
Uh, if you.
358
00:36:33,169.2318333 --> 00:36:38,599.2318333
Um, Feel inspired to leave a review on the podcast.
359
00:36:38,629.2318333 --> 00:36:40,249.2318333
It would be greatly appreciated.
360
00:36:40,249.2318333 --> 00:36:48,109.2318333
Apparently that's how other people, um, finally find the podcast is through reviews and sharing and stuff like that.
361
00:36:48,109.2318333 --> 00:36:53,549.2318333
So, I thank you so much for being here and spending your precious minutes.
362
00:36:53,549.2318333 --> 00:36:55,289.2318333
Listening to my inner most.
363
00:36:56,699.2318333 --> 00:36:58,859.2318333
Ramblings and I hope.
364
00:36:59,399.2318333 --> 00:37:00,899.2318333
They have been of some.
365
00:37:01,919.2318333 --> 00:37:02,819.2318333
Service to you.
366
00:37:03,269.2318333 --> 00:37:03,509.2318333
So.
367
00:37:04,709.2318333 --> 00:37:06,89.2318333
Until next week.
368
00:37:06,119.2318333 --> 00:37:07,739.2318333
I love you.
369
00:37:09,157.2363685 --> 00:37:12,377.2363685
This has been an Awkward Sage Production.
Join the Email List
Listen On
