”I love my mess” & SEEKING A LINE BETWEEN ART & MOTHERHOOD

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But so rarely, I feel like we're being acknowledged for what we are deeply thirsty to be acknowledged for specifically.

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And truly, I think that the only way we could get that is to give it to.

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Ourselves.

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Just let yourself have it.

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Just give it to yourself.

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Help Me See is a podcast dedicated to the art of seeing.

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It's a space for the restless visionary with an insatiable desire to create the life and work you're meant for.

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My name is Bianca Lea Mora, and I'm a photographic artist, a mother, and a coach who's transformed my fear of loss into power, art, and philosophy.

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One of the scariest quotes I never want to say is, I wish I knew at the time, but I truly believe that we have the innate ability to bring our wise 2020 hindsight to our now.

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You can deeply experience your nostalgia now, while it's actually happening, with no regrets.

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All you have to do is see.

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In this show, we laugh, we cry, we get inspired, we overshare, we have life changing conversations around making meaning, self discovery, and shedding all the BS layers in order to reconnect to our own sacred vision.

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Seeing yourself is an essential key to living powerfully.

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You are the vessel, the lens that filters absolutely everything in your life.

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What are you filtering for? Whether it be conversations with fellow artists and visionaries, or my solo audio journal style introspective ramblings, each episode is meant to feel like an exhale, an unraveling of truth, a moment for you to be able to put your finger on something that you haven't been able to for far too long.

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Come exactly as you are.

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It's perfect.

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Honor your instincts.

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Let's uncover some of the most important things in our lives which all too often can slip out from our view.

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Let's commit to seeing and consciously creating what only you can in your one and only life.

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Let's dive in.

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Hello.

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Hello and welcome to another episode of help me see.

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I am coming to you with an intro to.

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A podcast episode that I recorded the other night.

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Every time, I think.

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Is it even possible for me to get more vulnerable? Yep.

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It is.

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And here it goes.

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So.

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I'm prefacing and recording an intro to set up the.

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Original episode.

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Because.

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I really felt it was important to come to you.

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And let you know that I seriously.

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Considered not posting.

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Or not uploading.

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The one I originally had intended.

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See I had had this.

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Crazy.

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Emotionally turbulent chaotic night.

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Where it took me like two and a half hours to put my son to bed.

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And I went through this like emotional rollercoaster, like love, frustration, rage, guilt.

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Uh, anxiety overwhelmed.

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The whole thing.

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And then I came downstairs and all the other shit hit the fan.

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It was just one thing after another, like it was a comedy of errors.

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I just kept saying, it's this real life.

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Like what's happening.

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And, you know, so as I was dealing with.

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In the middle of it.

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I just felt like this.

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I need to this.

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This.

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This needs to be shared.

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This needs to be talked about this needs to just exist.

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And then.

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After I did that.

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It really helped.

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Calm me.

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And like, bring me back down to, um, You know, a level.

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Of.

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Acceptance with everything that's happening.

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And then the next day woke up and.

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You know, what's happening to sweet morning with the kids and you know, how you like.

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I have like a vulnerability hangover sometimes where like, eh, you know, you say something and you're like, Hmm, should I have said that? I was thinking about the episode and I'm like, Was I being dramatic, like an M no, I don't know.

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Is it really, even helpful for me to be sharing? Like I know the podcast is like, You know, basically my audio journal.

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But.

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Um, like, I don't know.

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I don't know.

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And then.

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I realized this is the problem.

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Like this is the fucking problem.

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Y.

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Do I feel like in order to share something.

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It needs to be useful.

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Why do I feel like.

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In order for me.

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And I say, I feel like because subliminally, I understand, I feel like, I mean, subconsciously, this is what is active, not cognitively.

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But it feels like I need to be providing something of worth something that is.

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I don't even mean like good.

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I mean, Unless what I'm sharing is deeply.

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Helpful to someone.

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I'm like, why am I doing it? But how, who am I to gauge that? The best.

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Most all that I can do.

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Is to.

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Be as honest.

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As I can.

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As honest as my subconscious.

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Self.

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We'll allow me to be.

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Uh, I say that because there have been times where I've been in like an NLP session.

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Um, as a client and said something and then I'm like, well, apparently the NLP programming determined that was a lie.

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If you, if you've gone through an NLP session with me, Um, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

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And if you have not.

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Uh, I encourage it for everyone and anyone that has.

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Even a little bit interested.

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It's so interesting.

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I have, um, NLP session offerings.

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You could find it in my Lincoln bio, but that's not what this is about.

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Sidetrack.

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Shameless random plug.

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Um, anyway.

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So.

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Yeah.

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I was just thinking like, This is why.

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As a.

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I mean society and more specifically as a gender.

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Um, You've just been so conditioned to like, make ourselves.

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Small and to whoa.

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Oh my gosh.

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Pathologize.

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Uh, whenever anyone apologizes for getting emotional.

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Oh my gosh.

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It's just like, Can we all just.

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Make it normal that.

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Being honest and real and feeling things is real life.

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Feeling better about.

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Everything the next day and feeling like my cup was like, I don't, wouldn't say full, but like, Back.

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At a manageable.

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Height.

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Aye.

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And I started feeling like, okay, well, you know what, now I can see that.

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I just wasn't giving myself space to be in that experience.

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I wish it would just kept getting constricting and constricting constricting.

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It just kept feeling like.

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There wasn't enough time.

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There was enough space and I was panicking and I wasn't.

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Letting myself just be with it, which ultimately feels like.

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The answer to 99.9%

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of everything.

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Just allowing yourself to be with it, allowing yourself to embrace the experience.

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And trust it.

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This is why I have the most.

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Beautiful relationship with my photography.

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I.

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1000000000000% trust and allow myself to be in and with anything that's happening when I'm photographing anyone in any anywhere, whatever it is.

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However with my life.

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It's different.

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It's different.

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So.

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I was thinking to myself, like, what would it mean? Like, what does that, what would that feel like? What would it mean? If I didn't share.

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Like the rawness of that moment when I decided to record.

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And just.

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You know, try to make something more coherent or something more.

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Um, Helpful or something.

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Eh, whatever.

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Out of that and let that be the, the podcast episode.

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Like who is that really serving.

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And what more importantly, like what is that telling myself about my right and my ability to like express myself.

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In in it.

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You know, I shared a episode a while back now.

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Um, about sharing from the wound.

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Oh, it makes my blood boil.

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When someone says, share from the scar, not from the wound.

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It's like, fuck.

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Y.

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Do you know how hard it is to connect to.

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W anyone actively going to some through something when you're coming from it, from this really beautiful healed place, like.

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Like, I, it just, I.

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It makes it feel so far away.

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It makes it feel like I don't, I don't think I will ever be able to get there because I can't even identify with the composure in your voice.

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Like.

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And it is.

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Important to share from the wound it's important.

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Like of course not everyone wants it to be through a microphone.

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Of course, of course we don't need to be blasting all our shit if we don't want to be.

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But like, if someone feels compelled to do so, if someone feels like this is important, I don't know why I don't have a solid reason or a business plan or any.

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Uh, actual thing.

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I can show you as to why I feel so compelled to put this out there, but I just know in my gut it's important.

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That is enough.

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That is enough.

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That is enough.

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You are enough as you sit there and breathe, listening to this.

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You are enough.

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However you're doing it.

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If you're multitasking, if you're sitting there staring at a fucking wall, the more and more.

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I find myself in this loop, this.

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Loop de loop.

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Sick.

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Gorgeous carnival ride.

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It feels like the bolts are coming out of it.

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Uh, the more, I am convinced that.

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The forgetting and the remembering is the point.

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It is the point.

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No, I take a Jillian.

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Good Jillian pictures.

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And then, especially with my personal work, uh, for my family.

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I'll put them on my hard drive and I forget about them.

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I do not process them immediately sometimes it's years before I go back and look.

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And I love forgetting about those pictures.

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I took, I love rediscovering them.

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I love finding, like I just went in a time machine to the past.

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In my present.

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I love seeing what I saw then.

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And connecting back to what I felt.

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I love all of that.

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And what would it, what would that experience be? If I, every picture I took, I immediately cold and edited and sorted an X and exported.

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00:12:57,725.69387755 --> 00:12:58,745.69387755
And that was it.

200
00:12:58,745.69387755 --> 00:12:59,465.69387755
And now the ex.

201
00:12:59,675.69387755 --> 00:13:00,395.69387755
It's just, I.

202
00:13:01,265.69387755 --> 00:13:08,495.69387755
That is so part of my process is to be tangled up in it, be in my mess.

203
00:13:09,755.69387755 --> 00:13:11,195.69387755
I love my mess.

204
00:13:12,965.69387755 --> 00:13:14,555.69387755
And it sucks sometimes.

205
00:13:15,305.69387755 --> 00:13:15,725.69387755
Okay.

206
00:13:21,215.69387755 --> 00:13:24,5.69387755
Oh, why is that? She just made me cry.

207
00:13:24,905.69387755 --> 00:13:25,865.69387755
But it did.

208
00:13:28,995.69387755 --> 00:13:30,105.69387755
Oh, it's okay.

209
00:13:30,105.69387755 --> 00:13:31,935.69387755
To not feel like.

210
00:13:34,485.69387755 --> 00:13:35,805.69387755
You have it all together.

211
00:13:35,895.69387755 --> 00:13:39,105.69387755
And this year, my word was centered.

212
00:13:39,525.69387755 --> 00:13:40,995.69387755
I just want to feel centered.

213
00:13:40,995.69387755 --> 00:13:42,555.69387755
I just I've always wanted that.

214
00:13:42,555.69387755 --> 00:13:51,675.69387755
Like, if from like being a little girl, I mean preteen teenager, I've just always wanted a sense of peace.

215
00:13:51,765.69387755 --> 00:13:53,505.69387755
I've just always wanted to feel peace.

216
00:13:53,775.69387755 --> 00:13:55,905.69387755
I was 12 years old writing in a journal.

217
00:13:56,745.69387755 --> 00:13:57,675.69387755
That I just wanted.

218
00:13:58,365.69387755 --> 00:13:59,175.69387755
Inner peace.

219
00:14:03,275.69387755 --> 00:14:05,195.69387755
And I feel like I'm just now.

220
00:14:07,25.69387755 --> 00:14:08,405.69387755
Realizing that.

221
00:14:09,815.69387755 --> 00:14:11,525.69387755
That piece is not.

222
00:14:13,985.69387755 --> 00:14:16,895.69387755
Attainable through shoving out like.

223
00:14:17,465.69387755 --> 00:14:19,145.69387755
Whatever's already there.

224
00:14:20,675.69387755 --> 00:14:22,745.69387755
It's making space for all of it.

225
00:14:24,285.69387755 --> 00:14:27,435.69387755
And I'm making space for myself through.

226
00:14:28,95.69387755 --> 00:14:29,265.69387755
You know, sharing.

227
00:14:30,515.69387755 --> 00:14:32,105.69387755
Some of the stuff that I'm like.

228
00:14:32,135.69387755 --> 00:14:32,555.69387755
Hmm.

229
00:14:34,505.69387755 --> 00:14:35,915.69387755
Maybe a little squirmy about.

230
00:14:37,235.69387755 --> 00:14:42,275.69387755
Because I think that the more of us that do that as a collective.

231
00:14:43,335.69387755 --> 00:14:50,505.69387755
I just feel like it brings all, it helps us link arms with each other and brings us to this sense of freedom.

232
00:14:52,455.69387755 --> 00:14:56,415.69387755
We are all permission for everyone else witnessing us.

233
00:14:57,495.69387755 --> 00:14:59,415.69387755
W we're permission where.

234
00:15:00,255.69387755 --> 00:15:03,705.69387755
Walking possibility for someone to.

235
00:15:04,665.69387755 --> 00:15:11,115.69387755
Even realize that maybe this is something that they're called to, or this is something that, um, they're not wrong for.

236
00:15:13,185.69387755 --> 00:15:14,895.69387755
No, it's so easy to.

237
00:15:16,185.69387755 --> 00:15:18,75.69387755
Look at others with so much love.

238
00:15:19,515.69387755 --> 00:15:20,475.69387755
And compassion.

239
00:15:22,395.69387755 --> 00:15:23,445.69387755
And I'm always.

240
00:15:25,305.69387755 --> 00:15:29,685.69387755
So curious about why it's so hard to give that to myself.

241
00:15:30,345.69387755 --> 00:15:31,305.69387755
Um, and.

242
00:15:32,295.69387755 --> 00:15:33,735.69387755
Really the thing that's opened.

243
00:15:35,445.69387755 --> 00:15:37,155.69387755
That possibility for me is.

244
00:15:38,505.69387755 --> 00:15:40,65.69387755
Photographic medium.

245
00:15:42,75.69387755 --> 00:15:43,845.69387755
And being able to see myself.

246
00:15:45,285.69387755 --> 00:15:46,905.69387755
Outside of myself in that way.

247
00:15:50,735.69387755 --> 00:15:52,745.69387755
We have to give ourselves permission.

248
00:15:53,165.69387755 --> 00:15:55,745.69387755
To want what we want and be okay.

249
00:15:56,655.69387755 --> 00:15:57,105.69387755
I.

250
00:15:58,185.69387755 --> 00:16:00,915.69387755
Made a real, the other day on Instagram.

251
00:16:02,205.69387755 --> 00:16:03,15.69387755
About.

252
00:16:04,35.69387755 --> 00:16:04,935.69387755
This.

253
00:16:05,535.69387755 --> 00:16:08,655.69387755
Publication that I was published in and there was a show.

254
00:16:09,315.69387755 --> 00:16:11,715.69387755
Um, an exhibit for it, this whole thing.

255
00:16:11,715.69387755 --> 00:16:13,125.69387755
And it was in Rotterdam.

256
00:16:13,155.69387755 --> 00:16:13,635.69387755
It was.

257
00:16:14,775.69387755 --> 00:16:15,555.69387755
Something.

258
00:16:16,245.69387755 --> 00:16:16,725.69387755
That.

259
00:16:17,835.69387755 --> 00:16:20,475.69387755
Really meant a lot to me because.

260
00:16:21,645.69387755 --> 00:16:22,485.69387755
I got all choked up.

261
00:16:22,485.69387755 --> 00:16:26,895.69387755
When I read the first little mission, part of the book, when it came.

262
00:16:29,415.69387755 --> 00:16:30,105.69387755
Because.

263
00:16:32,55.69387755 --> 00:16:34,215.69387755
I've felt like for the first time.

264
00:16:36,765.69387755 --> 00:16:38,865.69387755
So specifically.

265
00:16:39,645.69387755 --> 00:16:45,75.6938776
I quote, unquote, accomplished something like I, something happened where I was acknowledged and.

266
00:16:46,95.6938776 --> 00:16:53,985.6938776
But what I was being acknowledged for something so viscerally important to me and it's everything to me.

267
00:16:54,675.6938776 --> 00:16:56,445.6938776
And it was like written on the page.

268
00:16:59,325.6938776 --> 00:17:01,245.6938776
So many times that I've who's.

269
00:17:02,145.6938776 --> 00:17:04,545.6938776
So many times when I've been accepted, it was.

270
00:17:05,85.6938776 --> 00:17:06,45.6938776
Um, so shitty.

271
00:17:07,245.6938776 --> 00:17:12,945.6938776
So many times though, when you know, there's no ward or an acknowledgement or getting into something, it just.

272
00:17:13,425.6938776 --> 00:17:14,25.6938776
Like, okay.

273
00:17:14,505.6938776 --> 00:17:14,775.6938776
Yeah.

274
00:17:14,865.6938776 --> 00:17:15,645.6938776
Um, okay.

275
00:17:15,705.6938776 --> 00:17:16,215.6938776
Oh, wow.

276
00:17:16,245.6938776 --> 00:17:16,635.6938776
Finally.

277
00:17:16,695.6938776 --> 00:17:17,175.6938776
Okay.

278
00:17:17,535.6938776 --> 00:17:21,225.6938776
And of course, like, I love, love discovering other artists.

279
00:17:21,225.6938776 --> 00:17:22,365.6938776
That's my favorite part of it.

280
00:17:22,875.6938776 --> 00:17:34,35.6938776
And, um, But so rarely, I feel like we're being acknowledged for what we are deeply thirsty to be acknowledged for specifically.

281
00:17:34,725.6938776 --> 00:17:38,475.6938776
And truly, I think that the only way we could get that is to give it to.

282
00:17:38,475.6938776 --> 00:17:39,435.6938776
Ourselves.

283
00:17:41,805.6938776 --> 00:17:43,515.6938776
Just let yourself have it.

284
00:17:43,845.6938776 --> 00:17:45,585.6938776
Just give it to yourself.

285
00:17:47,565.6938776 --> 00:17:55,65.6938776
Like, why do I need this publication to give this to me? Like when I started crying, when I read this, I'm just like, Okay.

286
00:17:56,115.6938776 --> 00:17:58,665.6938776
Embrace it, let yourself embrace it.

287
00:18:00,975.6938776 --> 00:18:03,495.6938776
It was, um, DUP magazines.

288
00:18:04,65.6938776 --> 00:18:07,395.6938776
Uh, Fresh eyes, 2024.

289
00:18:09,525.6938776 --> 00:18:15,195.6938776
And it was, um, a selection of a hundred photographers from all around the world.

290
00:18:17,25.6938776 --> 00:18:21,405.6938776
Oh for you in unique photography and the quote is a.

291
00:18:22,575.6938776 --> 00:18:33,45.6938776
We take it as our mission to present you with the latest photography talents, their unique visions, open the doors to new perspectives and understandings of the world and primarily ourselves.

292
00:18:34,935.6938776 --> 00:18:41,505.6938776
They're unique visions, open the doors to new perspectives and understandings of the world.

293
00:18:42,195.6938776 --> 00:18:44,175.6938776
And primarily ourselves.

294
00:18:48,285.6938776 --> 00:18:49,35.6938776
That is it.

295
00:18:51,255.6938776 --> 00:18:52,935.6938776
And on top of it.

296
00:18:54,155.6938776 --> 00:18:57,215.6938776
One of my favorite photographs have ever taken.

297
00:18:57,275.6938776 --> 00:18:59,105.6938776
Like, there's something about it that I just.

298
00:19:00,455.6938776 --> 00:19:02,255.6938776
I love it so much.

299
00:19:02,555.6938776 --> 00:19:07,115.6938776
And I've submitted it so many times to so many things and it's never gotten.

300
00:19:07,865.6938776 --> 00:19:08,705.6938776
Got an accepted.

301
00:19:08,705.6938776 --> 00:19:10,895.6938776
No one else Has really remarked on it or whatever, but.

302
00:19:11,675.6938776 --> 00:19:16,325.6938776
This one got in and it was full page and oh my heart.

303
00:19:18,975.6938776 --> 00:19:19,605.6938776
My heart.

304
00:19:21,165.6938776 --> 00:19:22,275.6938776
And of course.

305
00:19:23,345.6938776 --> 00:19:25,385.6938776
All of the synchronicities involved in this.

306
00:19:26,75.6938776 --> 00:19:33,35.6938776
It was a photo shoot of someone that I identify with as like a soul friend, like just like one of those people.

307
00:19:33,65.6938776 --> 00:19:37,385.6938776
And I'm kind of a tough cookie in this way.

308
00:19:37,415.6938776 --> 00:19:38,105.6938776
Like, I, I.

309
00:19:38,375.6938776 --> 00:19:47,405.6938776
I have, I never have had an overt craving to like make new friends, like ever since I was 12, I found my friend and I was like, all right, I don't need any more friends.

310
00:19:49,415.6938776 --> 00:19:51,305.6938776
So I'm very slowly.

311
00:19:52,85.6938776 --> 00:19:53,855.6938776
The acquired them later in life.

312
00:19:54,275.6938776 --> 00:19:58,445.6938776
But she's just one of those people that I met and it just, she just.

313
00:19:59,105.6938776 --> 00:20:00,95.6938776
Everything about her.

314
00:20:00,155.6938776 --> 00:20:01,325.6938776
I just love so much.

315
00:20:01,415.6938776 --> 00:20:03,395.6938776
And also I'm going to go, oh my God.

316
00:20:03,395.6938776 --> 00:20:07,115.6938776
This is ridiculous, but I wanna apologize for being emotional right now, but.

317
00:20:07,925.6938776 --> 00:20:12,335.6938776
I just got choked up because I realized of course, Um, She's probably listening.

318
00:20:13,295.6938776 --> 00:20:14,795.6938776
This, I love you.

319
00:20:16,715.6938776 --> 00:20:18,245.6938776
Um, Anyway.

320
00:20:19,385.6938776 --> 00:20:25,265.6938776
But like, of course, when you let yourself be with the utmost sincerity and.

321
00:20:26,945.6938776 --> 00:20:30,935.6938776
Lead with your intuition and your intention and your gut.

322
00:20:31,535.6938776 --> 00:20:33,275.6938776
All of these things happen.

323
00:20:33,635.6938776 --> 00:20:34,235.6938776
Like all of it.

324
00:20:34,805.6938776 --> 00:20:36,155.6938776
Of course, I ended up.

325
00:20:37,385.6938776 --> 00:20:40,25.6938776
In California there in order to do this.

326
00:20:40,25.6938776 --> 00:20:45,275.6938776
And of course I this, and of course I that, and of course this is the one that finally.

327
00:20:45,785.6938776 --> 00:20:49,325.6938776
You know, selected this image and this is what their mission statement was.

328
00:20:52,205.6938776 --> 00:20:55,685.6938776
But I didn't have to wait for this to like, let myself embrace that.

329
00:20:57,215.6938776 --> 00:21:03,755.6938776
And when I made that real and I said, you know, one part like finally, let yourself be PRI proud for a minute.

330
00:21:04,835.6938776 --> 00:21:06,695.6938776
It was excruciating to write.

331
00:21:06,695.6938776 --> 00:21:08,615.6938776
It felt embarrassing to write that.

332
00:21:09,275.6938776 --> 00:21:10,715.6938776
So stupid.

333
00:21:11,855.6938776 --> 00:21:14,915.6938776
Like, what are we too cool to be? Proud of ourselves.

334
00:21:16,85.6938776 --> 00:21:16,445.6938776
I don't know.

335
00:21:20,45.6938776 --> 00:21:20,255.6938776
Okay.

336
00:21:20,255.6938776 --> 00:21:24,425.6938776
Before I, um, This is a really big lead up to a.

337
00:21:26,555.6938776 --> 00:21:31,325.6938776
To my ramblings, but, uh, it's the ramblings before the ramblings.

338
00:21:32,345.6938776 --> 00:21:35,675.6938776
Um, I want to highlight something.

339
00:21:35,855.6938776 --> 00:21:36,665.6938776
I.

340
00:21:37,205.6938776 --> 00:21:38,375.6938776
Before.

341
00:21:40,145.6938776 --> 00:21:42,245.6938776
It started getting stressful when I was putting my son to bed.

342
00:21:45,185.6938776 --> 00:21:50,945.6938776
Oftentimes I'll record voice memos of just our little conversations before they're falling asleep.

343
00:21:51,5.6938776 --> 00:21:52,985.6938776
And it's so funny.

344
00:21:53,675.6938776 --> 00:21:54,515.6938776
When.

345
00:21:56,465.6938776 --> 00:21:58,685.6938776
I know I'm being recorded.

346
00:22:00,395.6938776 --> 00:22:02,825.6938776
It's a very specific awareness.

347
00:22:03,875.6938776 --> 00:22:08,375.6938776
Not only in like my response and like, Like, Hmm.

348
00:22:08,375.6938776 --> 00:22:10,745.6938776
Maybe I shouldn't be so snippy.

349
00:22:10,985.6938776 --> 00:22:12,125.6938776
And this is on the record.

350
00:22:13,955.6938776 --> 00:22:14,915.6938776
But also.

351
00:22:16,475.6938776 --> 00:22:17,315.6938776
In that.

352
00:22:22,385.6938776 --> 00:22:23,405.6938776
I hear them.

353
00:22:23,705.6938776 --> 00:22:24,245.6938776
Deeper.

354
00:22:26,855.6938776 --> 00:22:31,175.6938776
When I know they're being recorded and I know whatever they're saying is being saved.

355
00:22:32,465.6938776 --> 00:22:33,605.6938776
It's like, I hear it.

356
00:22:34,565.6938776 --> 00:22:36,155.6938776
Through ears that are.

357
00:22:37,175.6938776 --> 00:22:38,345.6938776
20 years older.

358
00:22:40,205.6938776 --> 00:22:42,335.6938776
Like achy in that moment.

359
00:22:45,245.6938776 --> 00:22:48,515.6938776
You know, one of my good friends told me.

360
00:22:49,535.6938776 --> 00:22:54,425.6938776
Uh, after whatever conversations about, you know, just my thoughts around.

361
00:22:55,25.6938776 --> 00:22:59,285.6938776
Home videos and photographing and how it's a portal to presence and blah, blah, blah.

362
00:23:00,905.6938776 --> 00:23:04,145.6938776
Her son was throwing a tantrum and she was getting really frustrated.

363
00:23:04,175.6938776 --> 00:23:05,825.6938776
She just wanted to go inside and then.

364
00:23:06,575.6938776 --> 00:23:08,825.6938776
She pulled out her phone and started.

365
00:23:09,455.6938776 --> 00:23:10,835.6938776
Taking a home video.

366
00:23:11,705.6938776 --> 00:23:12,575.6938776
On her phone of him.

367
00:23:12,575.6938776 --> 00:23:14,495.6938776
And she said, all of a sudden, it just felt like.

368
00:23:15,305.6938776 --> 00:23:21,965.6938776
Oh, Like you just relaxed her and thought like, oh, he's not always going to.

369
00:23:22,985.6938776 --> 00:23:26,255.6938776
So ferociously want to stay outside and play with the stick.

370
00:23:29,885.6938776 --> 00:23:33,845.6938776
It's not always going to be like this, not in a shaming way, not in a.

371
00:23:34,835.6938776 --> 00:23:36,545.6938776
You know, scarcity.

372
00:23:36,725.6938776 --> 00:23:38,765.6938776
Oh, my God tide is flowing by it, but like in a.

373
00:23:39,275.6938776 --> 00:23:40,835.6938776
Just dropping deeper.

374
00:23:41,225.6938776 --> 00:23:42,725.6938776
Into that moment.

375
00:23:44,465.6938776 --> 00:23:51,815.6938776
Whether it's your camera, whether it's your phone, whether it's a cam quarter, these things are all vehicles to ground us.

376
00:23:52,565.6938776 --> 00:24:00,185.6938776
And bring us into full awareness because when I'm freaking out and feeling like, oh my God, I just want to have some space to myself.

377
00:24:00,185.6938776 --> 00:24:02,465.6938776
I just want to I'm in construction mode.

378
00:24:02,465.6938776 --> 00:24:03,5.6938776
I'm in.

379
00:24:03,605.6938776 --> 00:24:07,685.6938776
Once liver of awareness of like, This does not feel good.

380
00:24:07,685.6938776 --> 00:24:08,645.6938776
I am frustrated.

381
00:24:08,705.6938776 --> 00:24:09,185.6938776
Oh my gosh.

382
00:24:09,215.6938776 --> 00:24:12,455.6938776
And it just like sharpening, sharpening, sharpening, but like when.

383
00:24:13,235.6938776 --> 00:24:16,325.6938776
Like, I don't know what would have happened if I would've pressed record.

384
00:24:17,345.6938776 --> 00:24:24,35.6938776
What I opened, what I would have like opened my awareness and be like, yes, this is so frustrating.

385
00:24:24,935.6938776 --> 00:24:25,895.6938776
And also.

386
00:24:28,85.6938776 --> 00:24:32,105.6938776
Whatever, I don't know, blink and also just create space around that.

387
00:24:35,375.6938776 --> 00:24:39,455.6938776
It's like one of those things, though, when you're truly panicking, it's hard to remember to breathe.

388
00:24:39,485.6938776 --> 00:24:39,935.6938776
Right.

389
00:24:41,405.6938776 --> 00:24:43,625.6938776
But I don't know I'm going to experiment next time.

390
00:24:43,625.6938776 --> 00:24:46,115.6938776
I'm next time, because there will be a next time.

391
00:24:46,505.6938776 --> 00:24:47,525.6938776
I will.

392
00:24:48,905.6938776 --> 00:24:50,165.6938776
See if I pull out my.

393
00:24:50,945.6938776 --> 00:24:53,405.6938776
Voice memo and see if that.

394
00:24:54,605.6938776 --> 00:24:55,535.6938776
Let's see if that helps.

395
00:24:56,195.6938776 --> 00:25:00,995.6938776
I feel like it will because just in my body, as I talk about it, it feels really right.

396
00:25:05,165.6938776 --> 00:25:05,555.6938776
Okay.

397
00:25:07,235.6938776 --> 00:25:08,375.6938776
If.

398
00:25:10,175.6938776 --> 00:25:12,65.6938776
This hit home for you.

399
00:25:12,155.6938776 --> 00:25:13,475.6938776
If this was helpful.

400
00:25:13,895.6938776 --> 00:25:15,5.6938776
I would love to know.

401
00:25:15,5.6938776 --> 00:25:16,235.6938776
I would love to hear.

402
00:25:16,715.6938776 --> 00:25:22,325.6938776
Um, If you feel compelled to leave a review on apple podcasts.

403
00:25:23,105.6938776 --> 00:25:27,905.6938776
Uh, apparently that helps other people find the show and in doing so we could help.

404
00:25:28,355.6938776 --> 00:25:29,735.6938776
More people feel.

405
00:25:30,365.6938776 --> 00:25:31,655.6938776
Less alone.

406
00:25:33,135.6938776 --> 00:25:33,465.6938776
Okay.

407
00:25:33,465.6938776 --> 00:25:34,875.6938776
I am now going to drop.

408
00:25:35,475.6938776 --> 00:25:39,285.6938776
Uh, That clip of my.

409
00:25:41,685.6938776 --> 00:25:42,465.6938776
My moment.

410
00:25:42,915.6938776 --> 00:25:46,125.6938776
And, um, You know what, before that.

411
00:25:46,695.6938776 --> 00:25:53,355.6938776
I will drop a tiny little snippet of the sweet recording that I had of my son.

412
00:25:53,955.6938776 --> 00:25:57,375.6938776
Before he went to sleep before all of this happened.

413
00:25:57,705.6938776 --> 00:26:00,945.6938776
So you could really be in that contrast with me.

414
00:26:01,65.6938776 --> 00:26:02,955.6938776
See, You could really feel.

415
00:26:06,795.6938776 --> 00:26:09,105.6938776
Uh, really feel.

416
00:26:10,5.6938776 --> 00:26:11,775.6938776
The the juxtaposition there.

417
00:26:11,895.6938776 --> 00:26:12,285.6938776
Okay.

418
00:26:13,535.6938776 --> 00:26:13,955.6938776
Enjoy.

419
00:26:14,245.6938776 --> 00:26:15,595.6938776
They gotta talk.

420
00:26:15,755.6938776 --> 00:26:17,65.6938776
Yeah, we gotta talk.

421
00:26:18,765.6938776 --> 00:26:20,745.6938776
Okay, cuddle.

422
00:26:20,745.7938776 --> 00:26:21,819.7538776
No.

423
00:26:21,819.7538776 --> 00:26:26,115.5938776
I have to talk.

424
00:26:32,55.6938776 --> 00:26:32,405.6938776
Okay.

425
00:26:35,445.6928776 --> 00:26:36,685.6928776
We're laying down.

426
00:26:36,935.6938776 --> 00:26:38,605.6938776
We're laying down.

427
00:26:38,615.6928776 --> 00:26:41,655.5928776
Did you have a good day today? Yeah.

428
00:26:41,655.6928776 --> 00:26:44,743.7132776
What was your favorite part? Daddy's sleeping.

429
00:26:44,743.7132776 --> 00:26:48,255.6938776
Your daddy's sleeping, yeah.

430
00:26:49,965.6938776 --> 00:26:53,355.6938776
I'm about I'm about I'm about to do this.

431
00:26:54,815.6938776 --> 00:26:56,915.6938776
I want, even just downstairs.

432
00:26:57,65.6938776 --> 00:26:58,685.6938776
No, it's time for bedtime.

433
00:26:58,685.6938776 --> 00:26:59,15.6938776
Okay.

434
00:26:59,15.6938776 --> 00:26:59,765.6938776
We're talking.

435
00:27:00,785.6938776 --> 00:27:06,605.6938776
What was your favorite thing you did today? What was the most fun? Mmm.

436
00:27:07,830.6938776 --> 00:27:13,445.6938776
What do you think? Uh, being on the couch.

437
00:27:13,955.6938776 --> 00:27:14,915.6938776
Being on the couch.

438
00:27:14,915.6938776 --> 00:27:16,595.6938776
That was your favorite thing you did today.

439
00:27:17,270.6938776 --> 00:27:17,750.6938776
Yeah.

440
00:27:18,955.6938776 --> 00:27:24,530.6938776
Why took it on myself.

441
00:27:24,535.6938776 --> 00:27:27,290.6938776
Because you what? It's on myself.

442
00:27:27,350.6938776 --> 00:27:29,300.6938776
Because you were by yourself on the couch.

443
00:27:29,330.6938776 --> 00:27:29,390.6938776
Yeah.

444
00:27:29,960.6938776 --> 00:27:32,415.6938776
Do you like to be by yourself on the couch? Yeah.

445
00:27:32,925.6938776 --> 00:27:33,215.6938776
Yeah.

446
00:27:35,120.6938776 --> 00:27:37,70.6938776
Is that when you were napping? Yeah.

447
00:27:37,70.6938776 --> 00:27:38,210.6938776
I am napping.

448
00:27:38,750.6938776 --> 00:27:39,530.6938776
You.

449
00:27:39,590.6938776 --> 00:27:48,650.6938776
Did you like napping on the couch? I love you.

450
00:27:48,650.7938776 --> 00:27:52,855.7438776
I love you.

451
00:27:52,905.7438776 --> 00:27:57,65.7438776
I love you bigger than the whole world.

452
00:27:57,65.8438776 --> 00:28:04,195.8438776
Do you have any questions for me? Uh, Uh, Fox.

453
00:28:05,405.8438776 --> 00:28:07,125.8438776
What? The fox.

454
00:28:08,115.8428776 --> 00:28:10,525.8438776
What about the fox? Fox happy.

455
00:28:11,585.8448776 --> 00:28:14,165.8448776
The fox is happy? Yeah.

456
00:28:14,945.8448776 --> 00:28:15,575.8448776
That's nice.

457
00:28:22,75.8448776 --> 00:28:24,145.8448776
That's my mama.

458
00:28:24,145.9448776 --> 00:28:26,415.8438776
That's my Sily.

459
00:28:26,945.8448776 --> 00:28:28,725.8448776
Ahhhh.

460
00:28:33,755.8448776 --> 00:28:35,705.8448776
I love you mommy.

461
00:28:36,255.8448776 --> 00:28:37,365.8448776
I love you Sily.

462
00:28:37,365.9448776 --> 00:28:41,579.2782109
I Okay, this is not real life.

463
00:28:42,829.2782109 --> 00:28:44,979.2782109
I mean, this is also the realest life.

464
00:28:45,809.2782109 --> 00:28:53,399.2782109
I am coming to you because if I don't, I might freak out.

465
00:28:56,719.2782109 --> 00:29:01,549.2782109
I don't know how healthy a podcasting coping mechanism is.

466
00:29:02,599.2782109 --> 00:29:08,949.1782109
I am currently on the floor of my kitchen at 11.

467
00:29:08,949.2782109 --> 00:29:22,579.2782109
15 at night, picking up blueberries, a large container of blueberries, not the small one, that just fell out of the fridge and splattered everywhere.

468
00:29:24,719.2782109 --> 00:29:26,59.2772109
Let's rewind the tape a little bit.

469
00:29:28,729.2782109 --> 00:29:43,204.2782109
Right before this, I came down from the main event of what I was having a breakdown about, which was a two and a half hour bedtime.

470
00:29:44,914.2782109 --> 00:29:51,444.2782109
And my dog, I'm pretty sure sharted on my couch.

471
00:29:51,564.2782109 --> 00:29:52,144.2782109
Yeah.

472
00:29:54,544.2772109 --> 00:30:04,524.2782109
And that was extra devastating because I was so hungry, coming down from a two and a half hour bedtime and I didn't eat dinner.

473
00:30:06,839.2782109 --> 00:30:15,819.2782109
And all I want to do is sit on the couch and eat something, and then my dog, like, leaks out of his ass.

474
00:30:15,839.2772109 --> 00:30:16,449.2782109
I'm sorry.

475
00:30:16,479.2782109 --> 00:30:17,249.2772109
Excuse me.

476
00:30:17,249.2782109 --> 00:30:26,79.1782109
I'm sorry if you were tuning in whilst preparing dinner or eating breakfast.

477
00:30:26,79.2782109 --> 00:30:35,949.2782109
I don't know, but I mean I know this is the universe talking to me in some way.

478
00:30:36,699.2782109 --> 00:30:41,159.2782109
Oh, and that sound that just came on? That's the sound of my brand new fridge.

479
00:30:41,359.2782109 --> 00:30:42,39.2782109
Not brand new.

480
00:30:42,319.2782109 --> 00:30:44,899.2782109
I mean, it's a year and a half, two years old.

481
00:30:45,9.2782109 --> 00:30:45,609.2782109
Two years old.

482
00:30:46,549.2772109 --> 00:30:47,609.2772109
And it's making that noise.

483
00:30:48,569.2782109 --> 00:31:03,689.2782109
What the fuck? What? Like, what? And, this past weekend, I had What I thought was food poisoning could have been a stomach bug.

484
00:31:04,399.2782109 --> 00:31:10,979.2772109
Who knows? All I know is it was not good and laid me out for two days.

485
00:31:11,19.2782109 --> 00:31:12,439.2782109
It felt awful.

486
00:31:13,219.2782109 --> 00:31:34,924.2782109
So, um, I have this thing where I commit, I'm committed to going to bed with the kids every night because they want that and I damn well know they will not always want their mommy to go with them to sleep.

487
00:31:34,924.3782109 --> 00:31:44,94.2782109
And most nights it's beautiful and even when it's not, I'm still so committed to doing that.

488
00:31:44,704.2782109 --> 00:31:53,714.2782109
Like I don't feel the need to teach them to go to sleep on their own or, you know, I just, I know that this is what I'm choosing.

489
00:31:54,284.2782109 --> 00:32:03,754.2782109
However, there are some nights where that is so fucking hard.

490
00:32:06,74.2782109 --> 00:32:10,714.2782109
It's mostly with my younger one now who really puts up a fight with sleeping.

491
00:32:11,884.2782109 --> 00:32:20,214.2782109
And I know, it's so temporary and I know it's so sweet and it always starts out so sweet and cuddly.

492
00:32:20,824.2772109 --> 00:32:37,294.2782109
And then the longer time passes that I'm laying there and he's making weird noises or like kicking the wall or talking at regular volume in a dark room or I, my nervous system just starts.

493
00:32:38,894.2782109 --> 00:32:48,474.2782109
Boiling like, and I just, I'm like pleading with him.

494
00:32:48,474.2782109 --> 00:32:50,374.2782109
I just, please close your eyes.

495
00:32:51,24.2782109 --> 00:32:52,444.2782109
Please lay still.

496
00:32:52,454.2782109 --> 00:32:53,634.2782109
Let's take deep breaths.

497
00:32:53,664.2782109 --> 00:32:57,174.2772109
And I'm like, there's this trajectory that happens.

498
00:32:57,174.3772109 --> 00:33:05,204.2782109
And oh my gosh, it's so wild.

499
00:33:05,254.2782109 --> 00:33:07,734.2782109
I get so mad at myself.

500
00:33:08,224.2782109 --> 00:33:11,674.2782109
I get so frustrated and you know what it is too.

501
00:33:11,674.2782109 --> 00:33:12,704.2782109
It's feeling.

502
00:33:13,269.2782109 --> 00:33:30,999.2782109
The heaviness of sleepiness enter my body and knowing that like, I might fall asleep here or everything I wanted to do for the night or even if it's nothing to do, just time to myself at the end of this night is not going to happen.

503
00:33:31,129.2772109 --> 00:33:40,79.2782109
And like, with each chunk of like five, 10 minutes, it just makes me want to scream, cry.

504
00:33:42,944.2782109 --> 00:33:58,434.2782109
You know, I, earlier tonight, or earlier today, I saw on Instagram, someone posted, posted a beautiful, um, reel about blurring the lines between art and motherhood.

505
00:33:59,664.2782109 --> 00:34:02,664.2782109
It was beautiful and inspiring.

506
00:34:03,414.2782109 --> 00:34:05,304.2782109
And I was so fucking triggered.

507
00:34:05,694.2782109 --> 00:34:10,514.2782109
I was like, I have not.

508
00:34:11,429.2782109 --> 00:34:13,759.2782109
figured that shit out.

509
00:34:19,159.2782109 --> 00:34:26,219.2772109
And I don't know if there is a figuring it out.

510
00:34:28,839.2772109 --> 00:34:37,349.2782109
When I read that, first of all, I was thinking, oh my gosh, it's, it's so, so beautiful.

511
00:34:38,539.2782109 --> 00:34:44,374.2782109
And I wish, that I could relate to that, but I don't.

512
00:34:44,994.2782109 --> 00:35:06,964.2782109
I get, I had such like a stabbing pain of like, what if I want lines between my art and my motherhood? What if I want lines? Which is impossible, right? In so many ways, motherhood is art in and of itself.

513
00:35:08,944.2782109 --> 00:35:10,894.2782109
But Oh my gosh.

514
00:35:14,234.2782109 --> 00:35:17,554.2782109
You know, I know my kids are the priority.

515
00:35:17,624.2782109 --> 00:35:44,554.2782109
I know that at the end of the day, no matter how much I love my art, like my relationship and my time with them is the most precious thing, what makes it so difficult is truly like the, the wear and the sometimes assault on the nervous system in that choice.

516
00:35:47,934.2782109 --> 00:35:59,744.2782109
I felt it tonight, even when I was laying in bed with him and he finally, after like over two hours, Started to like, just relax and stay still.

517
00:35:59,784.2782109 --> 00:36:06,624.2782109
Which, um, odds are, my frickin energy of desperateness.

518
00:36:06,634.2782109 --> 00:36:10,14.2782109
Like, oh my god, please go to sleep, please go to sleep.

519
00:36:10,604.2782109 --> 00:36:21,674.2782109
It was probably not helping soothe him, but, I could just feel, like, my muscles start to unclench slightly and slowly.

520
00:36:21,684.2782109 --> 00:36:25,609.2782109
Like the more I was like, okay, I think he's actually going to sleep.

521
00:36:29,489.2782109 --> 00:36:54,924.2772109
You know, part of me really wants to find this romantic gorgeous way to intertwine my art and my work and the things that fill my cup up in, in my own self way, my own selfish way, if you will, whilst being with my kids, like that is an absolute dream.

522
00:36:54,944.2772109 --> 00:37:08,724.2772109
And then there's another part of me that's like, do I really want to force those two things together? Like when right now, it feels so inherently separate.

523
00:37:10,634.2772109 --> 00:37:36,374.2772109
And maybe when I release and loosen the grip of this whole situation in general, will I finally find a way that feels good sometimes? You know, even in the mornings, even in the mornings, I try to wake up earlier so I could spend some time reading just for me.

524
00:37:38,419.2772109 --> 00:38:21,734.2772109
Of course, when I wake up, the kids have like Energetic radar on me and they wake up too and it is so sweet And I really love cuddling with them in the mornings And then I'll put on like a show or something for them and then I'll lay down and be like, okay I'm gonna read and you guys and I'll set them up with a snack or you know breakfast whatever and And it's like every two seconds something else and something else and want something else and they need something else and I can't read more than a sentence at a time and I'm like, I, what, I can't, I just can't, like, just attempting to do this right now is not healthy for me because it's making me so frustrated that I can't.

525
00:38:22,564.2772109 --> 00:38:27,104.2772109
It's like, again, I took my son to Barnes and Noble and I'm like, Oh, it's so sweet.

526
00:38:27,104.2772109 --> 00:38:27,884.2772109
I love being here.

527
00:38:27,884.2772109 --> 00:38:28,924.2772109
And then I'm like, wait a minute.

528
00:38:29,274.2772109 --> 00:38:38,624.2772109
This is a place where I actually really want to like peruse and look and turn book covers over and like, just explore.

529
00:38:38,644.2762109 --> 00:38:41,594.2762109
And I can't because I'm with my son.

530
00:38:41,594.3762109 --> 00:38:48,734.2762109
And of course, of course, like, of course, what is he going to do? Just sit there like a robot? Like of course he doesn't want to do that.

531
00:38:48,744.2772109 --> 00:38:48,764.2772109
Yeah.

532
00:38:48,944.2772109 --> 00:38:48,964.2772109
Yeah.

533
00:38:48,964.3772109 --> 00:38:49,584.1772109
Yeah.

534
00:38:50,14.2772109 --> 00:39:16,164.2772109
So why am I putting myself in a place where I'm so tempted and it's so close yet so far? You know, and it's so funny as soon as I give myself a moment to take a breath, I think, oh my gosh, I feel like I sound so ungrateful and I'm not complaining, but I am, but I'm not, but I, it's like, oh God, whatever.

535
00:39:16,174.2772109 --> 00:39:17,74.2772109
I released that.

536
00:39:17,449.2772109 --> 00:39:19,429.2772109
This is my fucking show.

537
00:39:21,629.2772109 --> 00:39:40,899.2772109
Bless your soul if you're here, if this is helpful to you, and if you feel judgmental about whatever is shared here, then I'm sure you've tuned out a long time ago, so.

538
00:39:47,369.2762109 --> 00:39:48,129.2772109
Oh my gosh.

539
00:39:55,814.2772109 --> 00:40:27,784.2772109
And then you would think when I travel for work and I'm away for a week and a half at a time that I'm like Breathing in the West Coast air and Thriving in all these different ways, but I'm not It's so hard to be away It's so hard and Sometimes I can barely focus on my work.

540
00:40:30,84.2772109 --> 00:40:31,124.2772109
It's sick.

541
00:40:31,624.2772109 --> 00:40:32,574.2772109
It is sick.

542
00:40:32,704.2772109 --> 00:40:33,834.2772109
Oh my God.

543
00:40:33,974.2772109 --> 00:40:35,814.2772109
It's so fucked up.

544
00:40:39,244.2772109 --> 00:40:51,769.2772109
I share all of this with so much love in my heart for First and foremost, my children.

545
00:40:52,849.2772109 --> 00:40:56,239.2772109
I, this wouldn't even be, it would be nothing.

546
00:40:56,249.2772109 --> 00:41:00,949.2772109
It wouldn't even be an issue if I didn't love them with every ounce of my being.

547
00:41:03,649.2772109 --> 00:41:11,549.2772109
I have love for myself in sharing this because I have a right to be feeling these feelings.

548
00:41:11,549.3772109 --> 00:41:21,679.2772109
And the reason I even come on here to share.

549
00:41:24,19.2772109 --> 00:41:41,769.2762109
Mostly is for you listening, hearing any shred that lets you exhale and think, Oh my God, it's not just me.

550
00:41:42,129.2762109 --> 00:41:42,749.2762109
Okay.

551
00:41:43,669.2762109 --> 00:41:44,389.2762109
Okay.

552
00:41:45,969.2762109 --> 00:41:46,619.2762109
All right.

553
00:41:51,519.2772109 --> 00:41:55,714.1772109
You know, some of the most dramatic things that I've done.

554
00:41:56,104.2772109 --> 00:42:11,544.2772109
I've come up against in my life are the things that I felt so alone and felt like I had such whiplash and didn't know, never heard of anyone speak of it like that.

555
00:42:11,954.2772109 --> 00:42:16,754.2772109
And of course, it's not that hearing someone else's experience is going to.

556
00:42:18,469.2772109 --> 00:42:49,739.2762109
Break your fall and when, you know, deeply comfort you when you're going through it, maybe, maybe to some degree, but when you don't even understand that something is in a realm of possibility or present for someone else, that alienation makes everything so much more.

557
00:42:52,539.2772109 --> 00:42:53,139.2772109
Painful.

558
00:42:54,759.2772109 --> 00:42:55,559.2772109
And scary.

559
00:43:05,609.2772109 --> 00:43:07,389.2772109
So Artist Mother.

560
00:43:12,9.2772109 --> 00:43:13,269.2772109
Artist Mother.

561
00:43:13,359.2772109 --> 00:43:15,579.2772109
The ultimate creator.

562
00:43:19,99.2762109 --> 00:43:20,639.2762109
I see you.

563
00:43:23,839.2772109 --> 00:43:24,989.2772109
I am you.

564
00:43:25,239.2772109 --> 00:43:26,469.2772109
And I support you.

565
00:43:31,399.2772109 --> 00:43:57,249.3772109
There are moments where I take a pause and I think how could I be, like, of service? How could I offer anything that would be helpful in this? And it's so hard to do that right now because I am literally in it.

566
00:43:57,769.3772109 --> 00:43:59,139.3772109
Like, it just happened.

567
00:44:00,54.3772109 --> 00:44:05,14.3772109
Like I am dreading going back upstairs to clean poop off of my couch.

568
00:44:05,224.3772109 --> 00:44:09,24.3772109
Like, could I be any more in it? Oh gosh.

569
00:44:09,304.3772109 --> 00:44:10,794.3772109
It sounded like Chandler Bing.

570
00:44:11,764.3772109 --> 00:44:12,934.3772109
Oh Chandler.

571
00:44:12,934.4772109 --> 00:44:15,164.3772109
Oh my gosh.

572
00:44:16,624.3762109 --> 00:44:18,94.3772109
This is a chaotic episode.

573
00:44:18,494.3772109 --> 00:44:26,654.3772109
Um, if this is your first time tuning in, hi, my name is Bianca.

574
00:44:31,194.3772109 --> 00:44:45,614.3772109
You know, I rarely ever think, I rarely ever think about new people tuning in, but, oh, there are some episodes where, wow, it would be a real doozy to do so.

575
00:44:49,694.3762109 --> 00:45:31,879.3772109
I don't know, I, I really, I think when we're in the deepest, pits of it and the rage and the frustration and the impossibilities and the possibilities and all of it that happen in our quest to live our lives fully and deeply and love and be with our children and be with our art and our most powerful work and the stuff that we're feeling this invisible compulsion to create and bring into this world.

576
00:45:35,629.3772109 --> 00:45:40,559.3772109
I think that's when you have no energy and you don't feel like speaking to a soul.

577
00:45:40,619.3772109 --> 00:46:07,349.2772109
You just want to crawl under your covers and yet having someone to share honestly and vulnerably and truly Like even, I mean, I'm so much more relaxed now after just coming and sharing with you.

578
00:46:09,109.3772109 --> 00:46:11,769.3772109
And um, you, I mean, it's not even live.

579
00:46:11,779.3772109 --> 00:46:19,399.3772109
So right now you are, is me sitting on this couch talking to my phone.

580
00:46:22,79.3772109 --> 00:46:26,899.3772109
I think we all just need someone else to say, yeah, me too.

581
00:46:30,284.3772109 --> 00:46:32,734.3772109
Just that nod of solidarity.

582
00:46:34,714.3772109 --> 00:46:46,404.3772109
That feeling of, No, you're not a monster.

583
00:46:48,854.3772109 --> 00:46:52,234.3772109
No, you're actually a brilliant mother.

584
00:46:53,984.3772109 --> 00:46:54,984.3772109
No.

585
00:46:58,664.3772109 --> 00:47:01,504.3772109
I know you know that I won't always be like this.

586
00:47:05,264.3772109 --> 00:47:19,44.3772109
But that doesn't mean that you need to Stop living half of your life until then.

587
00:47:24,264.3772109 --> 00:47:38,19.2772109
I think it is a very worthwhile quest to find what feels good for you and find a world and a life where you can.

588
00:47:40,549.3772109 --> 00:47:41,709.3772109
You can do both.

589
00:47:41,769.3772109 --> 00:47:43,99.3772109
You can have both.

590
00:47:43,379.3772109 --> 00:47:45,39.3772109
You can be with both.

591
00:47:45,79.3772109 --> 00:47:46,439.3772109
Maybe not at the same time.

592
00:47:46,479.3772109 --> 00:47:47,739.3762109
Maybe at the same time.

593
00:47:48,859.3772109 --> 00:48:02,909.3772109
Whatever it is, I'm forever looking for ways to live my life so that I can feel whole.

594
00:48:08,869.3772109 --> 00:48:13,429.2772109
There are a million moments throughout my day where I feel whole.

595
00:48:13,429.4772109 --> 00:48:23,989.3772109
This wholeness, the glowing gratefulness, and they happen in instance.

596
00:48:27,839.3762109 --> 00:48:54,829.3772109
And then there are times where it just feels like gaping, like, what's the quote? Each breath is a chance to begin again.

597
00:48:55,89.3772109 --> 00:48:57,209.3772109
Is that it? Who said it? I don't know.

598
00:48:57,209.4772109 --> 00:48:57,499.2772109
I don't know.

599
00:48:58,209.3772109 --> 00:48:58,979.3772109
But it's true.

600
00:48:59,49.3772109 --> 00:49:08,959.3772109
Each breath, each breath is a chance to begin again.

601
00:49:10,979.3772109 --> 00:49:12,689.3762109
So I'm going to take another breath.

602
00:49:14,239.3762109 --> 00:49:15,319.3762109
I'm going to go upstairs.

603
00:49:15,359.3762109 --> 00:49:18,979.3772109
I'm going to clean poop off of my couch.

604
00:49:21,359.3772109 --> 00:49:25,939.3772109
I don't know if I will be able to eat a snack after that.

605
00:49:28,79.3772109 --> 00:49:31,359.3762109
And, and I will probably put on Seinfeld.

606
00:49:33,184.3772109 --> 00:49:34,954.3772109
Or curb your enthusiasm.

607
00:49:37,64.3772109 --> 00:49:50,94.3762109
I'm grateful to have this space to be honest and to vent.

608
00:49:52,594.3762109 --> 00:50:09,979.3772109
And I believe that it's so important that In and of itself that I refuse to put bells and whistles on it if it's not there.

609
00:50:10,739.3772109 --> 00:50:18,619.3762109
I don't have any tips and tricks for you.

610
00:50:23,429.3762109 --> 00:50:29,769.3772109
But I do know that this is the most worthwhile endeavor.

611
00:50:32,759.3772109 --> 00:50:33,499.3772109
Okay.

612
00:50:35,584.3772109 --> 00:50:36,944.3772109
Signing off.

613
00:50:39,284.3772109 --> 00:50:39,874.3772109
I love you.

614
00:50:39,874.3772109 --> 00:50:40,264.3772109
Good night.