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Nov. 20, 2024
homesick for me: 2 Weeks Away From Home
2 weeks away from home.
this episode is not yet about my trip, but about the idea of leaving my kids for 2 weeks, re-evaluating home, work, and a life loosened from being constrained by roles.
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https://biancaleamorra.substack.com/
show notes- more conversation on full time artistry and part time work:
Transcript
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this.
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It may sound.
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Shitty, but.
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Although it's hard and painful.
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I think it's really easy.
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To use.
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Our children as an excuse as to why.
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We didn't.
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Or couldn't or wouldn't.
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Do life, the way we really wanted to do it.
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We can build our lives around these.
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Blanket statements of.
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I could never leave them for that long, or I could never this, or they could never that.
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And.
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We won't ever know.
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Until we try it.
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Yes, there were.
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Definitely points in which I felt homesick.
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And guilty but not really guilty.
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I think that that sentence comes out of my mouth, because.
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It's the common sentence.
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It's the common sentiment.
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When a mother's away from home, but.
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Our children are not ours.
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They don't belong to us.
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We are here to guide them.
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They're their own beings.
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They're their own entities and.
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Our job is to support.
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Them love them.
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Keep them safe.
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It's not.
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That we own them and it's our responsibility to make them into something.
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And.
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I think that amount of time away.
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Forced me to acknowledge that.
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I too am a, something that is not.
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Owned.
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By them.
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I am not owned by.
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My family by my life.
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I am.
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First and foremost, a human being.
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Help Me See is a podcast dedicated to the art of seeing.
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It's a space for the restless visionary with an insatiable desire to create the life and work you're meant for.
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My name is Bianca Lea Mora, and I'm a photographic artist, a mother, and a coach who's transformed my fear of loss into power, art, and philosophy.
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One of the scariest quotes I never want to say is, I wish I knew at the time, but I truly believe that we have the innate ability to bring our wise 2020 hindsight to our now.
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You can deeply experience your nostalgia now, while it's actually happening, with no regrets.
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All you have to do is see.
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In this show, we laugh, we cry, we get inspired, we overshare, we have life changing conversations around making meaning, self discovery, and shedding all the BS layers in order to reconnect to our own sacred vision.
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Seeing yourself is an essential key to living powerfully.
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You are the vessel, the lens that filters absolutely everything in your life.
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What are you filtering for? Whether it be conversations with fellow artists and visionaries, or my solo audio journal style introspective ramblings, each episode is meant to feel like an exhale, an unraveling of truth, a moment for you to be able to put your finger on something that you haven't been able to for far too long.
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Come exactly as you are.
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It's perfect.
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Honor your instincts.
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Let's uncover some of the most important things in our lives which all too often can slip out from our view.
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Let's commit to seeing and consciously creating what only you can in your one and only life.
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Let's dive in.
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Hello.
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Hello and welcome to another episode of help me see.
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It almost feels weird to say that.
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It's been two weeks.
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It is 6:00 AM.
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And I am.
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Back in my basement after two weeks away from home.
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I went to Europe.
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I was selected to be part of a photo exhibition, Paris.
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And.
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I decided I was going and going to use the opportunity to take my mom.
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Who is, you know, 71 never been none of the country and her dream, her lifelong dream was to go to Tuscany.
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If you've ever seen Diane Lane's movie under the Tuscan sun, that is why.
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Yeah.
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It was a whirlwind.
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I.
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I flew to and from Florida on the front and backend.
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So that I can see my dad and my niece and accompany my mom, like on the plane and.
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I'm not quite ready to talk about.
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I just don't feel like I've had the time to.
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Process it.
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But what I do want to talk about.
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Is the feeling of.
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Home.
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And being away from home.
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And I want to talk about this mug.
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I got this mug in Tuscany, in a village called particularly on all.
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And it was, there was a.
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Uh, phew.
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Uh, Artists.
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And if you see this, if you're looking at the video on sub stack, then you'll see.
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Um, Artist shops that were making the most unique.
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Original stuff I've seen in so long.
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And it's no coincidence that this.
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Village is from thousands of years ago.
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And.
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Feels like you've stepped back thousands of years ago.
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Um, But this mug.
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It's like ergonomic it's it looks completely squished.
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And.
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It is the most comfortable mug I've ever held in my life.
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I gasped when I came across.
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It.
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He had like a whole store full of them.
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Each one, obviously completely different.
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Cause it was one by one made by hand.
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And you better believe I picked up every single motherfucker.
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And this is the one that felt like it was made just for my hand.
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And I think it's so funny how.
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Absolutely unnatural.
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It looks.
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And yet it is the most natural.
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Feeling I've ever had holding a mug.
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I think about how glad I am that this.
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Artist.
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I didn't go to make this and think, Hmm.
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It's just too weird.
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People won't want this.
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Just that sentence sounds so fucking dumb.
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I think about how.
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Susceptible we are to.
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Those thoughts when we think of something so brilliant and something, so outside the box, That we dismiss it.
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It's like our brain can't acknowledge.
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The possibility.
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But.
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Going to the possibility, I think is the part where we start to screw ourselves over.
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We can get so wrapped up in a means to an end, figuring out a means to an end.
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How to configure a life to get to a certain.
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Point.
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At the focus shifts away from the means for means sake.
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Being away from home for two weeks is a really long time, especially when you have kids.
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And.
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One time before I'd been away for two weeks and it was way too long.
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But it was for work specifically.
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It felt like.
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There isn't the real, chance to really process it because you're working from like nine to five.
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Every single day so there's too many distractions but.
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For this? Yes, it was to see my work in an exhibition first and foremost, but well, Not really for me in my head, but that was the prompt to get us there.
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Was to see the work.
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But other than that, it was exploring and, um, Yes, there were.
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Definitely points in which I felt homesick.
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And guilty for missing the boys, but not really guilty.
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I think that that sentence comes out of my mouth, because.
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It's the common sentence.
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It's the common sentiment.
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When a mother's away from home, but.
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I think what that time with this time with this trip has taught me in terms of.
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The home dynamic is that.
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You know, due to.
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Swimming around the conscious parenting content online and.
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The things you'll read here and there, something that has struck me in a stayed with me.
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Because it's very uncomfortable.
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Is the idea that our children are not are ours.
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They don't belong to us.
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We are here to guide them.
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They're their own beings.
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They're their own entities and.
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Our job is merely to support.
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Them love them.
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Keep them safe.
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It's not.
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That we own them and it's our responsibility to make them into something.
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Uh, and.
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I think that amount of time away.
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Forced me to acknowledge that.
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I too am a, something that is not.
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Owned.
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By them.
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Which is weird.
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I am not owned by.
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My family by my.
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House by my life.
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You know, it's like, I am.
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First and foremost, a human being.
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And outside of all of the tasks and duties and responsibilities and.
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Um, even the preferences and.
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You know, hobbies and habits that I have.
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Being taken away from all that.
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And put it into a different environment.
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It really highlighted how.
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Important it is to.
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Find center to be tethered to center.
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And to make that center me.
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Instead of.
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Trying to orbit around whatever center I'm trying to create at home.
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Does that make sense? No.
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It makes sense to my head.
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I think there were a lot of things that I would have done differently on this trip.
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Um, I wanted to really make sure that.
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We experienced some of the more noteworthy things.
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I don't know if my mom will come back here or not.
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And I really wanted her to see.
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As much as possible.
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And if it were just me, if I were there alone, I wouldn't have planned anything.
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I don't really like traveling.
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I don't.
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It, although I'm so grateful for the trip and I'm so happy to have experienced Europe.
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I don't like going somewhere for a week or so at a time.
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Like if I'm going to go somewhere, I honestly I'd rather move.
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I'd rather just move there.
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But I think any form of traveling that I would like to do would be going somewhere for.
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A couple of months.
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And just being there and deciding what I want to do while I'm there.
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Like where my energy takes me.
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I don't like planning and having to find a time slot and to feel this pressure, to hit all these things that make the most of your time.
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Don't like that.
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Um, but.
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But it was good too.
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It was good for me to experience like that reinforcement of like, yeah, I don't regret doing it this way.
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I'm so happy that we saw what we saw.
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And we went to the lube and we went to the palace of Versailles and like, my mom got to see these amazing things.
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So did I.
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But I.
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And you hear all over and over again.
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Oh, what, what are you going to do? Do you have plans? Did you do this ahead of time? You know, really should you really? Blah, blah, blah.
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Like all of these blanket.
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Well-meaning well-intentioned.
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Words that make you feel like, oh, I should, I should I, should I, should.
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I must, I must, I must have missed.
219
00:13:39,413.33333333 --> 00:13:39,923.33333333
And.
220
00:13:40,943.33333333 --> 00:13:46,33.33333333
You know, being there and being honest with myself, Yes, that's a version of this.
221
00:13:46,393.33333333 --> 00:13:47,413.33333333
And it's not my version.
222
00:13:51,793.33333333 --> 00:13:54,703.33333333
And in that same vein.
223
00:13:58,363.33333333 --> 00:14:09,603.33333333
The reminder of oh, Life is still my own just as my children's lives are their own.
224
00:14:10,743.33333333 --> 00:14:15,513.33333333
And there is a way that we can live in really beautiful, connected.
225
00:14:16,293.33333333 --> 00:14:17,253.33333333
Harmony.
226
00:14:18,543.33333333 --> 00:14:20,13.33333333
That doesn't involve.
227
00:14:20,13.33333333 --> 00:14:21,513.33333333
Uh, sacrifice.
228
00:14:25,533.33333333 --> 00:14:27,873.33333333
And then of course, there's the mundane.
229
00:14:28,893.33333333 --> 00:14:30,813.33333333
Sacrifices and.
230
00:14:31,803.33333333 --> 00:14:36,183.33333333
You know, compromises that are inherent with being a parent and, and.
231
00:14:36,503.33333333 --> 00:14:38,33.33333333
Artist and a.
232
00:14:38,33.33333333 --> 00:14:38,603.33333333
Human.
233
00:14:41,663.33333333 --> 00:14:43,793.33333333
But I'm talking about like the deep seated.
234
00:14:45,83.33333333 --> 00:14:46,73.33333333
Sacrifices.
235
00:14:49,823.33333333 --> 00:14:50,843.33333333
The ones.
236
00:14:52,313.33333333 --> 00:14:53,813.33333333
That if you make them.
237
00:14:56,783.33333333 --> 00:14:59,153.33333333
You know, in your gut, as you're making them.
238
00:15:01,493.33333333 --> 00:15:02,933.33333333
The regret that will come.
239
00:15:03,983.33333333 --> 00:15:04,343.33333333
Like.
240
00:15:07,943.33333333 --> 00:15:09,233.33333333
At the end of your days.
241
00:15:19,763.33333333 --> 00:15:20,723.33333333
I think it's really.
242
00:15:22,163.33333333 --> 00:15:23,363.33333333
Sounds this.
243
00:15:23,543.33333333 --> 00:15:24,143.33333333
It may sound.
244
00:15:24,983.33333333 --> 00:15:25,823.33333333
Shitty, but.
245
00:15:28,953.33333333 --> 00:15:31,263.33333333
Although it's hard and painful.
246
00:15:31,353.33333333 --> 00:15:33,63.33333333
I think it's really easy.
247
00:15:34,563.33333333 --> 00:15:35,493.33333333
To use.
248
00:15:36,363.33333333 --> 00:15:40,293.33333333
Our children as an excuse as to why.
249
00:15:41,553.33333333 --> 00:15:42,393.33333333
We didn't.
250
00:15:42,663.33333333 --> 00:15:44,313.33333333
Or couldn't or wouldn't.
251
00:15:47,883.33333333 --> 00:15:50,193.33333333
Do life, the way we really wanted to do it.
252
00:15:57,523.33333333 --> 00:16:01,843.33333333
I've gotten comments like, oh, I could never leave my babies for that long or.
253
00:16:02,743.33333333 --> 00:16:05,833.33333333
You know, They just wouldn't.
254
00:16:06,523.33333333 --> 00:16:08,293.33333333
They couldn't, they couldn't.
255
00:16:10,93.33333333 --> 00:16:11,953.33333333
You know, deal with me being away for that long.
256
00:16:12,823.33333333 --> 00:16:13,423.33333333
And.
257
00:16:14,743.33333333 --> 00:16:21,763.33333333
You know, not out of not saying that in an offensive way for me at all, but just matter of fact, and.
258
00:16:23,443.33333333 --> 00:16:23,923.33333333
And wait.
259
00:16:24,673.33333333 --> 00:16:26,413.33333333
Kids are obsessed with me.
260
00:16:27,413.33333333 --> 00:16:28,233.33333333
obsessed.
261
00:16:29,143.33333333 --> 00:16:29,683.33333333
And.
262
00:16:32,823.33333333 --> 00:16:37,833.33333333
I think it's really beautiful that they had the opportunity to, you know, deepen their.
263
00:16:39,543.33333333 --> 00:16:41,73.3333333
Experiences with just their dad.
264
00:16:45,933.3333333 --> 00:16:49,23.3333333
And I gave them the opportunity to.
265
00:16:49,23.3333333 --> 00:16:49,983.3333333
Find a different.
266
00:16:49,983.3333333 --> 00:16:55,83.3333333
Version of their days and resiliency and all of that without me too.
267
00:16:55,623.3333333 --> 00:16:56,373.3333333
And now I'm back.
268
00:16:56,373.3333333 --> 00:16:58,953.3333333
And of course, like I, that's not the norm.
269
00:17:00,483.3333333 --> 00:17:00,933.3333333
But.
270
00:17:05,833.3333333 --> 00:17:07,923.3333333
We can Build our lives around these.
271
00:17:08,523.3333333 --> 00:17:09,963.3333333
Blanket statements of.
272
00:17:10,743.3333333 --> 00:17:14,823.3333333
I could never leave them for that long, or I could never this, or they could never that.
273
00:17:14,913.3333333 --> 00:17:15,183.3333333
And.
274
00:17:16,653.3333333 --> 00:17:17,823.3333333
We won't ever know.
275
00:17:18,993.3333333 --> 00:17:20,193.3333333
Until we try it.
276
00:17:20,403.3333333 --> 00:17:22,143.3333333
Like we can, you can always.
277
00:17:22,923.3333333 --> 00:17:23,703.3333333
Always course.
278
00:17:23,703.3333333 --> 00:17:24,213.3333333
Correct.
279
00:17:24,393.3333333 --> 00:17:24,933.3333333
Always.
280
00:17:25,23.3333333 --> 00:17:26,103.3333333
You could feel it in your gut.
281
00:17:26,133.3333333 --> 00:17:33,93.3333333
Like if you start doing a lifestyle change, And it's, you know, not right or whatever.
282
00:17:33,873.3333333 --> 00:17:35,463.3333333
You can always undo something.
283
00:17:38,553.3333333 --> 00:17:39,363.3333333
For the most part.
284
00:17:42,353.3333333 --> 00:17:46,133.3333333
You know, an example that I have, that's really current for me is that.
285
00:17:47,453.3333333 --> 00:17:51,533.3333333
I so for the past year, two years, I think two years now.
286
00:17:52,73.3333333 --> 00:17:53,63.3333333
A year and a half, two years.
287
00:17:53,723.3333333 --> 00:17:56,963.3333333
I've been traveling a lot for work.
288
00:17:57,383.3333333 --> 00:17:59,363.3333333
Uh, so since I became.
289
00:18:00,23.3333333 --> 00:18:04,753.3333333
Um, open my own business and it has not been as.
290
00:18:06,283.3333333 --> 00:18:07,693.3333333
Smooth as.
291
00:18:08,413.3333333 --> 00:18:09,853.3333333
It would have been helpful to be.
292
00:18:10,423.3333333 --> 00:18:12,73.3333333
From a monetary perspective.
293
00:18:12,763.3333333 --> 00:18:18,223.3333333
Um, you know, I decided I wasn't willing to get a full-time job and I wanted to.
294
00:18:18,763.3333333 --> 00:18:20,353.3333333
still do my own thing.
295
00:18:20,353.3333333 --> 00:18:21,943.3333333
I decided to start freelancing.
296
00:18:21,973.3333333 --> 00:18:30,163.3333333
So for most months, I've been traveling to California or Atlanta or whatever for a week out of the month.
297
00:18:30,583.3333333 --> 00:18:31,273.3333333
Give or take.
298
00:18:32,263.3333333 --> 00:18:32,833.3333333
And.
299
00:18:35,473.3333333 --> 00:18:36,703.3333333
It was really helpful.
300
00:18:36,763.3333333 --> 00:18:36,913.3333333
It.
301
00:18:37,123.3333333 --> 00:18:41,443.3333333
It made sense, like the, the rates I would get in a week.
302
00:18:42,13.3333333 --> 00:18:42,673.3333333
Wood.
303
00:18:43,423.3333333 --> 00:18:47,113.3333333
Be more than if I had a part-time job for a month here.
304
00:18:48,733.3333333 --> 00:18:50,223.3333333
And, It was a great.
305
00:18:51,213.3333333 --> 00:18:52,233.3333333
Growth experience.
306
00:18:52,233.3333333 --> 00:18:53,883.3333333
It was a great experience in general.
307
00:18:54,273.3333333 --> 00:18:54,783.3333333
But.
308
00:18:55,593.3333333 --> 00:18:56,493.3333333
All right now.
309
00:18:57,543.3333333 --> 00:18:57,873.3333333
I.
310
00:18:58,893.3333333 --> 00:19:01,983.3333333
Had come to the point where I decided I can't.
311
00:19:02,823.3333333 --> 00:19:04,953.3333333
And I don't want to do this anymore.
312
00:19:07,263.3333333 --> 00:19:08,793.3333333
I'm really grateful for it.
313
00:19:08,823.3333333 --> 00:19:14,343.3333333
And I don't, it's not that I'll never do it again, but like this amount of regularity is not something that.
314
00:19:15,693.3333333 --> 00:19:17,133.3333333
I want to be doing right now.
315
00:19:18,153.3333333 --> 00:19:27,93.3333333
And so I, for the first time in my life, well, no, In in high school, I had a part-time job in high school, but.
316
00:19:28,383.3333333 --> 00:19:29,133.3333333
Outside of that.
317
00:19:29,253.3333333 --> 00:19:34,443.3333333
I've never had a job that's part-time um, or outside of my industry.
318
00:19:34,983.3333333 --> 00:19:41,283.3333333
Outside of, you know, being a photo editor or photographer operations specialist or art director.
319
00:19:42,63.3333333 --> 00:19:43,443.3333333
This, I, I.
320
00:19:43,923.3333333 --> 00:19:45,453.3333333
Just said yes.
321
00:19:45,543.3333333 --> 00:19:47,943.3333333
To in office assistant job.
322
00:19:48,393.3333333 --> 00:19:49,293.3333333
Part-time job.
323
00:19:49,773.3333333 --> 00:19:52,803.3333333
Um, That is local to my house.
324
00:19:53,343.3333333 --> 00:19:55,383.3333333
And I'm going to stop traveling.
325
00:19:56,163.3333333 --> 00:19:56,823.3333333
And.
326
00:19:59,313.3333333 --> 00:20:04,953.3333333
You know, parts of me are really like, wow, this feels so strange.
327
00:20:06,483.3333333 --> 00:20:06,753.3333333
Yeah.
328
00:20:07,113.3333333 --> 00:20:08,793.3333333
Just adjusting to.
329
00:20:08,793.3333333 --> 00:20:11,283.3333333
Looking at, you know, this rate versus.
330
00:20:12,183.3333333 --> 00:20:20,403.3333333
The rate and I'm accustomed to, and this and that and also like work outside of, you know, the creative realm.
331
00:20:20,763.3333333 --> 00:20:22,233.3333333
In the traditional sense.
332
00:20:24,633.3333333 --> 00:20:25,143.3333333
But.
333
00:20:29,163.3333333 --> 00:20:31,683.3333333
I have a hunch that this might be.
334
00:20:32,253.3333333 --> 00:20:33,543.3333333
Exactly what I need.
335
00:20:33,573.3333333 --> 00:20:35,43.3333333
And if it's not all on, do it.
336
00:20:36,693.3333333 --> 00:20:38,523.3333333
But I have a hunch that.
337
00:20:42,573.3333333 --> 00:20:43,173.3333333
This mug.
338
00:20:44,163.3333333 --> 00:20:45,3.3333333
It's like this mug.
339
00:20:46,623.3333333 --> 00:20:51,63.3333333
It might look really strange and the way I'm describing it might sound really strange.
340
00:20:51,93.3333333 --> 00:20:53,463.3333333
How has got a huge dent and it looks like it was smushed.
341
00:20:54,153.3333333 --> 00:20:55,683.3333333
Uh, and it was an accident.
342
00:20:58,353.3333333 --> 00:21:02,373.3333333
But the experience of it and the sentiment of it.
343
00:21:03,303.3333333 --> 00:21:04,623.3333333
And the feeling.
344
00:21:06,33.3333333 --> 00:21:06,783.3333333
It's very right.
345
00:21:06,933.3333333 --> 00:21:08,103.3333333
And so when I thought about.
346
00:21:08,823.3333333 --> 00:21:11,343.3333333
Taking part time job.
347
00:21:12,123.3333333 --> 00:21:21,243.3333333
It's really important from, as I was looking for jobs in general, I would look at these jobs that sounded fun and were relevant to me and like our director creative direction.
348
00:21:21,663.3333333 --> 00:21:23,163.3333333
Uh, photography, but.
349
00:21:24,33.3333333 --> 00:21:24,603.3333333
Not only.
350
00:21:24,873.3333333 --> 00:21:25,893.3333333
Full time.
351
00:21:27,333.3333333 --> 00:21:31,653.3333333
Too much of a time commitment because I am going to uphold my own work.
352
00:21:32,133.3333333 --> 00:21:32,553.3333333
But.
353
00:21:33,663.3333333 --> 00:21:37,143.3333333
Energy management wise, mental capacity wise.
354
00:21:37,143.3333333 --> 00:21:38,313.3333333
Like I know myself.
355
00:21:39,303.3333333 --> 00:21:46,503.3333333
And I don't do things half, like I know I would be consumed by their mission.
356
00:21:46,923.3333333 --> 00:21:49,413.3333333
Their job responsibilities, that role.
357
00:21:49,413.3333333 --> 00:21:54,243.3333333
And at this point in my life, I'm not interested in furthering someone else's.
358
00:21:55,533.3333333 --> 00:21:57,303.3333333
Dreams someone else's goal.
359
00:21:57,693.3333333 --> 00:21:59,883.3333333
I want to prioritize me.
360
00:22:00,303.3333333 --> 00:22:02,103.3333333
And prioritizing.
361
00:22:03,933.3333333 --> 00:22:05,73.3333333
My work.
362
00:22:06,603.3333333 --> 00:22:12,993.3333333
In my mental and energetic capacity for my family and myself.
363
00:22:13,483.3333333 --> 00:22:18,283.3333333
requires me to not have a job that turns on that.
364
00:22:19,963.3333333 --> 00:22:21,793.3333333
Intense creative.
365
00:22:22,483.3333333 --> 00:22:22,993.3333333
Juice.
366
00:22:23,233.3333333 --> 00:22:27,523.3333333
You know, Um, And it feels.
367
00:22:27,823.3333333 --> 00:22:31,693.3333333
Really good to think about a job that is like super straightforward.
368
00:22:32,83.3333333 --> 00:22:33,13.3333333
Super.
369
00:22:33,403.3333333 --> 00:22:37,273.3333333
Um, You know, mundane in the tasks.
370
00:22:37,813.3333333 --> 00:22:38,863.3333333
It sounds refreshing.
371
00:22:40,873.3333333 --> 00:22:45,193.3333333
Like, do you have something that separates my days? Like.
372
00:22:45,973.3333333 --> 00:22:46,903.3333333
Gives me.
373
00:22:48,103.3333333 --> 00:22:49,153.3333333
Something to work around.
374
00:22:49,153.3333333 --> 00:22:54,433.3333333
That gives me a sense of, uh, Stability.
375
00:22:55,663.3333333 --> 00:23:01,153.3333333
Instead of this feast and famine dynamic that I've been working with for the last couple of years.
376
00:23:04,953.3333333 --> 00:23:07,923.3333333
So, yeah, I I've ha I have a lot of.
377
00:23:07,923.3333333 --> 00:23:09,483.3333333
Changes a foot.
378
00:23:10,173.3333333 --> 00:23:14,313.3333333
But it feels like settling into bed for the night.
379
00:23:14,343.3333333 --> 00:23:15,513.3333333
It feels like.
380
00:23:16,593.3333333 --> 00:23:17,253.3333333
When you like.
381
00:23:18,753.3333333 --> 00:23:22,443.3333333
Burrow yourself into just the right spot in your bed.
382
00:23:23,43.3333333 --> 00:23:24,423.3333333
Put the pillow between your legs.
383
00:23:24,423.3333333 --> 00:23:26,663.3333333
So you don't feel pain in your hip.
384
00:23:27,323.3333333 --> 00:23:28,163.3333333
I'm getting old.
385
00:23:28,463.3333333 --> 00:23:34,113.3333333
Um, I always stuff like a blanket or a sweater hoodie, under my neck.
386
00:23:35,343.3333333 --> 00:23:37,683.3333333
And then when you get to the spot where.
387
00:23:39,483.3333333 --> 00:23:41,43.3333333
You don't feel.
388
00:23:43,263.3333333 --> 00:23:44,973.3333333
Strain or discomfort.
389
00:23:46,413.3333333 --> 00:23:47,43.3333333
And you feel this.
390
00:23:47,643.3333333 --> 00:23:49,533.3333333
Comfortable neutrality.
391
00:23:50,403.3333333 --> 00:23:53,643.3333333
It's like, then you're able to settle in.
392
00:23:55,803.3333333 --> 00:23:59,43.3333333
And sleep and dream and rest.
393
00:24:00,33.3333333 --> 00:24:02,643.3333333
And it feels like what I'm doing in my life is.
394
00:24:04,113.3333333 --> 00:24:06,63.3333333
Finding a new way to settle in.
395
00:24:07,953.3333333 --> 00:24:09,573.3333333
So that I have this.
396
00:24:11,553.3333333 --> 00:24:12,813.3333333
Availability.
397
00:24:13,173.3333333 --> 00:24:18,723.3333333
To create from a different flavor of space that I have.
398
00:24:21,823.3333333 --> 00:24:27,533.3333333
If you're interested in this sentiment of, part-time work, I have an actual, podcast episode.
399
00:24:28,103.3333333 --> 00:24:35,153.3333333
That I did a little bit back with, uh, my dear friend Morgan, who she's such an inspiration to me.
400
00:24:35,203.3333333 --> 00:24:40,633.3333333
She's only ever had part-time work and made that work around her art.
401
00:24:41,3.3333333 --> 00:24:45,893.3333333
So hearing her talk about it was certainly super inspiring and certainly a nudge.
402
00:24:46,643.3333333 --> 00:24:49,193.3333333
In, in that direction for me.
403
00:24:49,223.3333333 --> 00:24:52,583.3333333
So if you, I will link that in the show notes.
404
00:24:54,83.3333333 --> 00:24:57,263.3333333
So, if you want to check that out and hear more about this conversation.
405
00:24:57,633.3333333 --> 00:25:01,743.3333333
head to that and in her information will be in those show notes and all of that.
406
00:25:03,103.3333333 --> 00:25:03,463.3333333
Yeah.
407
00:25:04,123.3333333 --> 00:25:04,573.3333333
So.
408
00:25:06,43.3333333 --> 00:25:08,53.3333333
I think that's it for this, this.
409
00:25:08,563.3333333 --> 00:25:10,93.3333333
Moment I'm.
410
00:25:12,163.3333333 --> 00:25:14,263.3333333
I'm feeling really antsy to talk about.
411
00:25:15,413.3333333 --> 00:25:19,553.3333333
Some of the breakthroughs I've had some of the experiences.
412
00:25:20,33.3333333 --> 00:25:22,13.3333333
I had in Europe and all of this, but.
413
00:25:22,733.3333333 --> 00:25:25,883.3333333
It feels really important to ground into the sense of.
414
00:25:26,633.3333333 --> 00:25:28,973.3333333
You know, being back home after two weeks away.
415
00:25:28,973.3333333 --> 00:25:33,113.3333333
And speaking to that first and foremost, because I think that that's a big hump that.
416
00:25:34,43.3333333 --> 00:25:34,793.3333333
Many of us.
417
00:25:34,883.3333333 --> 00:25:39,83.3333333
Can't get past to begin with this idea of leaving for so long.
418
00:25:39,83.3333333 --> 00:25:41,803.3333333
I just want to highlight the, importance.
419
00:25:42,553.3333333 --> 00:25:43,183.3333333
Of it.
420
00:25:44,323.3333333 --> 00:25:45,733.3333333
The importance of.
421
00:25:47,263.3333333 --> 00:25:49,273.3333333
If that's something that.
422
00:25:51,73.3333333 --> 00:25:54,823.3333333
You know, is important for you to do as an experience.
423
00:25:55,153.3333333 --> 00:25:56,323.3333333
It doesn't mean that.
424
00:25:57,493.3333333 --> 00:25:58,963.3333333
You know, I was.
425
00:25:58,963.3333333 --> 00:26:01,543.3333333
Not without reservation or I wasn't.
426
00:26:02,33.3333333 --> 00:26:03,203.3333333
Sad about it.
427
00:26:05,663.3333333 --> 00:26:07,493.3333333
It also doesn't mean I had to be sad about it.
428
00:26:08,303.3333333 --> 00:26:09,83.3333333
No judgment.
429
00:26:10,73.3333333 --> 00:26:10,583.3333333
But.
430
00:26:16,313.3333333 --> 00:26:19,283.3333333
That amount of physical space.
431
00:26:20,423.3333333 --> 00:26:21,533.3333333
And mental space.
432
00:26:23,543.3333333 --> 00:26:26,63.3333333
Opens up the possibility to.
433
00:26:29,153.3333333 --> 00:26:30,803.3333333
Nuzzle into your home.
434
00:26:32,463.3333333 --> 00:26:41,133.3333333
Your home life in a way that feels more you, once you're able to recognize like, oh, That's not.
435
00:26:41,973.3333333 --> 00:26:43,743.3333333
Actually working for me.
436
00:26:45,63.3333333 --> 00:26:48,333.3333333
Me as a human, not just me as a mother or a spouse.
437
00:26:49,53.3333333 --> 00:26:51,123.3333333
Like I, me as a person.
438
00:26:53,973.3333333 --> 00:26:56,43.3333333
Has just as much stake.
439
00:26:56,523.3333333 --> 00:26:59,313.3333333
In my everyday life, then.
440
00:26:59,913.3333333 --> 00:27:05,673.3333333
My maternal duties or my relationship duties or my job duties, or what have you.
441
00:27:08,943.3333333 --> 00:27:12,723.3333333
And everyone can and will survive without me.
442
00:27:14,343.3333333 --> 00:27:16,23.3333333
I think that's hard to digest.
443
00:27:21,993.3333333 --> 00:27:24,723.3333333
And I don't say this in a way of like, oh, you.
444
00:27:25,143.3333333 --> 00:27:29,673.3333333
In order to have these revelations, you have to go a million miles from home.
445
00:27:29,703.3333333 --> 00:27:31,323.3333333
That's not what I mean at all.
446
00:27:32,73.3333333 --> 00:27:34,293.3333333
I just want to breathe a little bit more air.
447
00:27:34,803.3333333 --> 00:27:36,273.3333333
Into the conversation just.
448
00:27:38,583.3333333 --> 00:27:41,523.3333333
Open a window of like, if.
449
00:27:43,233.3333333 --> 00:27:45,333.3333333
Your gut like pulls you.
450
00:27:46,923.3333333 --> 00:27:50,613.3333333
But then your heart and your mind are like, no, no, no, no, no, I can't.
451
00:27:50,613.3333333 --> 00:27:51,483.3333333
It's not the time.
452
00:27:51,873.3333333 --> 00:27:53,613.3333333
When the kids are older, when the kids are older.
453
00:27:56,583.3333333 --> 00:27:58,83.3333333
Give yourself some space.
454
00:27:58,533.3333333 --> 00:28:05,493.3333333
To reconsider, um, You know, What if you looked at yourself and your parenthood.
455
00:28:06,693.3333333 --> 00:28:09,903.3333333
In the same way that you're looking at.
456
00:28:10,623.3333333 --> 00:28:11,853.3333333
Your children.
457
00:28:12,393.3333333 --> 00:28:12,873.3333333
And.
458
00:28:14,703.3333333 --> 00:28:16,203.3333333
You know, they're not yours.
459
00:28:17,13.3333333 --> 00:28:19,143.3333333
They are these beautiful spirits.
460
00:28:19,863.3333333 --> 00:28:20,493.3333333
That.
461
00:28:21,603.3333333 --> 00:28:24,843.3333333
Have their own free will and desires and path.
462
00:28:25,143.3333333 --> 00:28:28,533.3333333
And we're just here to be with them and connect and love them.
463
00:28:28,533.3333333 --> 00:28:28,713.3333333
And.
464
00:28:29,553.3333333 --> 00:28:30,543.3333333
Support them.
465
00:28:31,503.3333333 --> 00:28:37,203.3333333
What if that same sentiment was echoed for you? And not just.
466
00:28:37,863.3333333 --> 00:28:39,183.3333333
Someone that is.
467
00:28:41,343.3333333 --> 00:28:42,393.3333333
Completely.
468
00:28:43,263.3333333 --> 00:28:48,633.3333333
Unavoidably attached to this role.
469
00:28:51,393.3333333 --> 00:28:53,733.3333333
The more that you can.
470
00:28:55,683.3333333 --> 00:28:58,803.3333333
Really revel in your humanness.
471
00:28:59,523.3333333 --> 00:29:03,543.3333333
And stay connected to yourself outside of your roles in life.
472
00:29:04,443.3333333 --> 00:29:13,323.3333333
I think the better, more intimate, more fulfilling, any other relationship? Uh, will be.
473
00:29:17,763.3333333 --> 00:29:20,313.3333333
I really think that I really, really do.
474
00:29:21,963.3333333 --> 00:29:28,293.3333333
I come back here and I'm like, okay, I want to take down the mural in my office now.
475
00:29:28,803.3333333 --> 00:29:32,943.3333333
That was up for my, when my son, it was his nursery.
476
00:29:33,423.3333333 --> 00:29:34,653.3333333
It's like a mural of clouds.
477
00:29:34,683.3333333 --> 00:29:36,483.3333333
I don't want to rip it down and paint the wall black.
478
00:29:38,583.3333333 --> 00:29:41,643.3333333
And I think before it felt a little sad to me, but I'm like, wait, what's.
479
00:29:41,643.3333333 --> 00:29:42,903.3333333
What's his nursery.
480
00:29:43,203.3333333 --> 00:29:46,383.3333333
And now I come back and I'm like, This is my studio.
481
00:29:46,383.3333333 --> 00:29:47,433.3333333
It's my office now.
482
00:29:47,973.3333333 --> 00:29:48,573.3333333
It gets mine.
483
00:29:48,843.3333333 --> 00:29:50,13.3333333
I spend time in there now.
484
00:29:50,73.3333333 --> 00:29:50,523.3333333
And.
485
00:29:52,293.3333333 --> 00:29:54,873.3333333
I will be inspired and happy every day.
486
00:29:54,873.3333333 --> 00:29:57,43.3333333
If I walk in there and one whole wall is black.
487
00:29:59,103.3333333 --> 00:30:00,213.3333333
Oh, I look at the.
488
00:30:00,933.3333333 --> 00:30:02,133.3333333
Uh, curtain rod.
489
00:30:02,403.3333333 --> 00:30:05,643.3333333
I'm like, oh, I don't want that silver.
490
00:30:05,643.3333333 --> 00:30:06,603.3333333
I want it brass.
491
00:30:06,603.3333333 --> 00:30:07,443.3333333
And I have breasts.
492
00:30:07,833.3333333 --> 00:30:08,613.3333333
Colored paint.
493
00:30:09,423.3333333 --> 00:30:12,333.3333333
Uh, that's actually a pretty cool, I used to it on some frames.
494
00:30:13,203.3333333 --> 00:30:14,673.3333333
I'm going to paint that brass.
495
00:30:17,253.3333333 --> 00:30:20,613.3333333
It's like I'm coming back and making my home more of my own.
496
00:30:26,433.3333333 --> 00:30:34,53.3333333
How can you make your life more of your own? And maybe you have to look at it.
497
00:30:35,493.3333333 --> 00:30:38,403.3333333
I think this mug, maybe it's going to, whatever changes you make.
498
00:30:38,883.3333333 --> 00:30:47,823.3333333
Are going to look really strange to others and even to yourself, But when you feel them you'll know what's right.
499
00:30:56,843.3333333 --> 00:30:57,203.3333333
Okay.
500
00:30:57,503.3333333 --> 00:30:58,613.3333333
That's what I have for you today.
501
00:30:58,883.3333333 --> 00:31:02,753.3333333
I am going to refill my coffee.
502
00:31:03,353.3333333 --> 00:31:05,603.3333333
Uh, if you are.
503
00:31:06,503.3333333 --> 00:31:08,3.3333333
Looking to join.
504
00:31:08,243.3333333 --> 00:31:12,173.3333333
The sub stack sacred, seeing community where you get your monthly.
505
00:31:13,223.3333333 --> 00:31:14,663.3333333
Introspective.
506
00:31:15,533.3333333 --> 00:31:17,393.3333333
Photo prompted journal.
507
00:31:18,563.3333333 --> 00:31:19,193.3333333
Templates.
508
00:31:19,613.3333333 --> 00:31:20,543.3333333
Such a mouthful.
509
00:31:20,813.3333333 --> 00:31:24,113.3333333
I really got to figure out like a succinct way to say that.
510
00:31:24,473.3333333 --> 00:31:26,603.3333333
I mean, it's nostalgia now is the.
511
00:31:27,833.3333333 --> 00:31:28,703.3333333
Is the.
512
00:31:29,633.3333333 --> 00:31:30,233.3333333
Ritual.
513
00:31:33,663.3333333 --> 00:31:38,343.3333333
But yeah, this photo room, I guess just photographic, journaling prompted photographic journaling.
514
00:31:38,463.3333333 --> 00:31:38,973.3333333
Yes.
515
00:31:39,123.3333333 --> 00:31:39,543.3333333
That's it.
516
00:31:40,323.3333333 --> 00:31:42,993.3333333
Um, Definitely been doing it for fucking.
517
00:31:46,353.3333333 --> 00:31:47,43.3333333
For years.
518
00:31:47,373.3333333 --> 00:31:48,123.3333333
Whatever it's been.
519
00:31:48,993.3333333 --> 00:31:52,533.3333333
Um, If you want to.
520
00:31:53,643.3333333 --> 00:31:54,663.3333333
Receive that.
521
00:31:54,693.3333333 --> 00:32:02,193.3333333
And, uh, the perks of being part of the sacred, seeing collective then head to my sub stack and.
522
00:32:03,153.3333333 --> 00:32:04,923.3333333
And, uh, check it out.
523
00:32:08,173.3333333 --> 00:32:09,793.3333333
I will see you next week.
524
00:32:13,295 --> 00:32:16,515
This has been an Awkward Sage Production.
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,29.999999999973
this.
2
00:00:00,209.99999999992 --> 00:00:00,809.99999999995
It may sound.
3
00:00:01,650 --> 00:00:02,489.9999999999
Shitty, but.
4
00:00:02,489.9999999999 --> 00:00:04,800
Although it's hard and painful.
5
00:00:04,889.9999999999 --> 00:00:06,599.9999999999
I think it's really easy.
6
00:00:08,99.9999999999 --> 00:00:09,030
To use.
7
00:00:09,899.9999999999 --> 00:00:13,830
Our children as an excuse as to why.
8
00:00:15,090 --> 00:00:15,930
We didn't.
9
00:00:16,200 --> 00:00:17,850
Or couldn't or wouldn't.
10
00:00:17,850 --> 00:00:20,160
Do life, the way we really wanted to do it.
11
00:00:20,660 --> 00:00:22,750
We can build our lives around these.
12
00:00:23,350 --> 00:00:24,790
Blanket statements of.
13
00:00:25,570 --> 00:00:29,650
I could never leave them for that long, or I could never this, or they could never that.
14
00:00:29,740 --> 00:00:30,010
And.
15
00:00:30,010 --> 00:00:31,180
We won't ever know.
16
00:00:31,180 --> 00:00:32,380
Until we try it.
17
00:00:32,540 --> 00:00:33,680
Yes, there were.
18
00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:36,380
Definitely points in which I felt homesick.
19
00:00:36,380 --> 00:00:38,340
And guilty but not really guilty.
20
00:00:38,340 --> 00:00:41,880
I think that that sentence comes out of my mouth, because.
21
00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:43,650
It's the common sentence.
22
00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:45,240
It's the common sentiment.
23
00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:48,390
When a mother's away from home, but.
24
00:00:48,390 --> 00:00:50,420
Our children are not ours.
25
00:00:50,480 --> 00:00:51,920
They don't belong to us.
26
00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:53,570
We are here to guide them.
27
00:00:53,570 --> 00:00:55,400
They're their own beings.
28
00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:58,460
They're their own entities and.
29
00:00:58,460 --> 00:01:00,150
Our job is to support.
30
00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:01,620
Them love them.
31
00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:02,580
Keep them safe.
32
00:01:02,730 --> 00:01:03,510
It's not.
33
00:01:04,080 --> 00:01:08,790
That we own them and it's our responsibility to make them into something.
34
00:01:08,840 --> 00:01:09,650
And.
35
00:01:09,650 --> 00:01:11,710
I think that amount of time away.
36
00:01:11,710 --> 00:01:14,710
Forced me to acknowledge that.
37
00:01:15,110 --> 00:01:17,360
I too am a, something that is not.
38
00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:18,020
Owned.
39
00:01:18,020 --> 00:01:18,770
By them.
40
00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:23,199.999999999
I am not owned by.
41
00:01:24,010 --> 00:01:26,659.999999999
My family by my life.
42
00:01:27,749.999999999 --> 00:01:28,379.999999999
I am.
43
00:01:28,379.999999999 --> 00:01:31,499.999999999
First and foremost, a human being.
44
00:01:35,949.999999999 --> 00:01:39,929.999999999
Help Me See is a podcast dedicated to the art of seeing.
45
00:01:40,570 --> 00:01:47,260
It's a space for the restless visionary with an insatiable desire to create the life and work you're meant for.
46
00:01:48,235 --> 00:01:57,355
My name is Bianca Lea Mora, and I'm a photographic artist, a mother, and a coach who's transformed my fear of loss into power, art, and philosophy.
47
00:01:57,625 --> 00:02:10,785
One of the scariest quotes I never want to say is, I wish I knew at the time, but I truly believe that we have the innate ability to bring our wise 2020 hindsight to our now.
48
00:02:11,685 --> 00:02:18,924.999
You can deeply experience your nostalgia now, while it's actually happening, with no regrets.
49
00:02:20,025 --> 00:02:21,355
All you have to do is see.
50
00:02:22,455 --> 00:02:38,305
In this show, we laugh, we cry, we get inspired, we overshare, we have life changing conversations around making meaning, self discovery, and shedding all the BS layers in order to reconnect to our own sacred vision.
51
00:02:39,115 --> 00:02:42,775
Seeing yourself is an essential key to living powerfully.
52
00:02:43,185 --> 00:02:47,995
You are the vessel, the lens that filters absolutely everything in your life.
53
00:02:48,954.999 --> 00:03:10,510
What are you filtering for? Whether it be conversations with fellow artists and visionaries, or my solo audio journal style introspective ramblings, each episode is meant to feel like an exhale, an unraveling of truth, a moment for you to be able to put your finger on something that you haven't been able to for far too long.
54
00:03:12,69.999 --> 00:03:14,139.999
Come exactly as you are.
55
00:03:14,429.999 --> 00:03:15,289.999
It's perfect.
56
00:03:15,999.999 --> 00:03:17,519.999
Honor your instincts.
57
00:03:17,579.999 --> 00:03:23,199.999
Let's uncover some of the most important things in our lives which all too often can slip out from our view.
58
00:03:24,525 --> 00:03:31,405
Let's commit to seeing and consciously creating what only you can in your one and only life.
59
00:03:32,545 --> 00:03:33,215
Let's dive in.
60
00:03:36,73.33333333 --> 00:03:36,493.33333333
Hello.
61
00:03:36,523.33333333 --> 00:03:39,103.33333333
Hello and welcome to another episode of help me see.
62
00:03:39,823.33333333 --> 00:03:41,773.33333333
It almost feels weird to say that.
63
00:03:43,633.33333333 --> 00:03:45,583.33333333
It's been two weeks.
64
00:03:46,533.33333333 --> 00:03:48,213.33333333
It is 6:00 AM.
65
00:03:48,633.33333333 --> 00:03:49,503.33333333
And I am.
66
00:03:50,193.33333333 --> 00:03:53,573.33333333
Back in my basement after two weeks away from home.
67
00:03:55,133.33333333 --> 00:03:57,473.33333333
I went to Europe.
68
00:03:57,683.33333333 --> 00:04:02,493.33333333
I was selected to be part of a photo exhibition, Paris.
69
00:04:02,553.33333333 --> 00:04:03,153.33333333
And.
70
00:04:04,383.33333333 --> 00:04:10,143.33333333
I decided I was going and going to use the opportunity to take my mom.
71
00:04:10,443.33333333 --> 00:04:17,913.33333333
Who is, you know, 71 never been none of the country and her dream, her lifelong dream was to go to Tuscany.
72
00:04:18,633.33333333 --> 00:04:23,523.33333333
If you've ever seen Diane Lane's movie under the Tuscan sun, that is why.
73
00:04:26,603.33333333 --> 00:04:27,53.33333333
Yeah.
74
00:04:27,593.33333333 --> 00:04:28,823.33333333
It was a whirlwind.
75
00:04:28,883.33333333 --> 00:04:29,243.33333333
I.
76
00:04:30,113.33333333 --> 00:04:34,253.33333333
I flew to and from Florida on the front and backend.
77
00:04:34,643.33333333 --> 00:04:40,793.33333333
So that I can see my dad and my niece and accompany my mom, like on the plane and.
78
00:04:43,353.33333333 --> 00:04:45,363.33333333
I'm not quite ready to talk about.
79
00:04:45,993.33333333 --> 00:04:48,873.33333333
I just don't feel like I've had the time to.
80
00:04:49,263.33333333 --> 00:04:50,163.33333333
Process it.
81
00:04:52,593.33333333 --> 00:04:54,363.33333333
But what I do want to talk about.
82
00:04:55,413.33333333 --> 00:04:57,423.33333333
Is the feeling of.
83
00:04:58,293.33333333 --> 00:04:59,13.33333333
Home.
84
00:05:00,423.33333333 --> 00:05:02,493.33333333
And being away from home.
85
00:05:04,433.33333333 --> 00:05:06,203.33333333
And I want to talk about this mug.
86
00:05:08,393.33333333 --> 00:05:12,953.33333333
I got this mug in Tuscany, in a village called particularly on all.
87
00:05:13,643.33333333 --> 00:05:15,353.33333333
And it was, there was a.
88
00:05:16,433.33333333 --> 00:05:17,603.33333333
Uh, phew.
89
00:05:17,693.33333333 --> 00:05:19,763.33333333
Uh, Artists.
90
00:05:19,883.33333333 --> 00:05:24,593.33333333
And if you see this, if you're looking at the video on sub stack, then you'll see.
91
00:05:25,403.33333333 --> 00:05:31,163.33333333
Um, Artist shops that were making the most unique.
92
00:05:32,303.33333333 --> 00:05:35,603.33333333
Original stuff I've seen in so long.
93
00:05:35,633.33333333 --> 00:05:37,373.33333333
And it's no coincidence that this.
94
00:05:38,183.33333333 --> 00:05:40,973.33333333
Village is from thousands of years ago.
95
00:05:41,33.33333333 --> 00:05:41,573.33333333
And.
96
00:05:41,573.33333333 --> 00:05:44,123.33333333
Feels like you've stepped back thousands of years ago.
97
00:05:45,143.33333333 --> 00:05:48,623.33333333
Um, But this mug.
98
00:05:49,43.33333333 --> 00:05:53,63.33333333
It's like ergonomic it's it looks completely squished.
99
00:05:53,843.33333333 --> 00:05:54,533.33333333
And.
100
00:05:55,103.33333333 --> 00:05:59,183.33333333
It is the most comfortable mug I've ever held in my life.
101
00:05:59,213.33333333 --> 00:06:01,643.33333333
I gasped when I came across.
102
00:06:01,973.33333333 --> 00:06:02,183.33333333
It.
103
00:06:02,993.33333333 --> 00:06:05,213.33333333
He had like a whole store full of them.
104
00:06:05,243.33333333 --> 00:06:07,253.33333333
Each one, obviously completely different.
105
00:06:07,283.33333333 --> 00:06:08,813.33333333
Cause it was one by one made by hand.
106
00:06:09,263.33333333 --> 00:06:11,993.33333333
And you better believe I picked up every single motherfucker.
107
00:06:14,123.33333333 --> 00:06:18,413.33333333
And this is the one that felt like it was made just for my hand.
108
00:06:18,893.33333333 --> 00:06:20,693.33333333
And I think it's so funny how.
109
00:06:21,643.33333333 --> 00:06:23,473.33333333
Absolutely unnatural.
110
00:06:23,563.33333333 --> 00:06:24,343.33333333
It looks.
111
00:06:25,453.33333333 --> 00:06:28,483.33333333
And yet it is the most natural.
112
00:06:30,43.33333333 --> 00:06:31,993.33333333
Feeling I've ever had holding a mug.
113
00:06:39,643.33333333 --> 00:06:41,623.33333333
I think about how glad I am that this.
114
00:06:42,283.33333333 --> 00:06:42,913.33333333
Artist.
115
00:06:42,943.33333333 --> 00:06:44,863.33333333
I didn't go to make this and think, Hmm.
116
00:06:47,23.33333333 --> 00:06:48,163.33333333
It's just too weird.
117
00:06:49,153.33333333 --> 00:06:50,443.33333333
People won't want this.
118
00:06:52,933.33333333 --> 00:06:54,943.33333333
Just that sentence sounds so fucking dumb.
119
00:06:57,433.33333333 --> 00:06:58,693.33333333
I think about how.
120
00:07:00,103.33333333 --> 00:07:01,993.33333333
Susceptible we are to.
121
00:07:02,413.33333333 --> 00:07:08,463.33333333
Those thoughts when we think of something so brilliant and something, so outside the box, That we dismiss it.
122
00:07:09,363.33333333 --> 00:07:12,303.33333333
It's like our brain can't acknowledge.
123
00:07:13,743.33333333 --> 00:07:14,823.33333333
The possibility.
124
00:07:17,13.33333333 --> 00:07:17,403.33333333
But.
125
00:07:17,403.33333333 --> 00:07:21,993.33333333
Going to the possibility, I think is the part where we start to screw ourselves over.
126
00:07:24,943.33333333 --> 00:07:30,553.33333333
We can get so wrapped up in a means to an end, figuring out a means to an end.
127
00:07:31,93.33333333 --> 00:07:33,643.33333333
How to configure a life to get to a certain.
128
00:07:35,413.33333333 --> 00:07:36,103.33333333
Point.
129
00:07:37,663.33333333 --> 00:07:42,43.33333333
At the focus shifts away from the means for means sake.
130
00:07:45,873.33333333 --> 00:07:50,133.33333333
Being away from home for two weeks is a really long time, especially when you have kids.
131
00:07:50,853.33333333 --> 00:07:51,483.33333333
And.
132
00:07:53,783.33333333 --> 00:07:57,293.33333333
One time before I'd been away for two weeks and it was way too long.
133
00:07:57,953.33333333 --> 00:08:00,473.33333333
But it was for work specifically.
134
00:08:00,523.33333333 --> 00:08:01,723.33333333
It felt like.
135
00:08:02,623.33333333 --> 00:08:08,833.33333333
There isn't the real, chance to really process it because you're working from like nine to five.
136
00:08:09,433.33333333 --> 00:08:13,383.33333333
Every single day so there's too many distractions but.
137
00:08:14,223.33333333 --> 00:08:25,143.33333333
For this? Yes, it was to see my work in an exhibition first and foremost, but well, Not really for me in my head, but that was the prompt to get us there.
138
00:08:25,473.33333333 --> 00:08:26,463.33333333
Was to see the work.
139
00:08:26,893.33333333 --> 00:08:34,853.33333333
But other than that, it was exploring and, um, Yes, there were.
140
00:08:36,353.33333333 --> 00:08:39,53.33333333
Definitely points in which I felt homesick.
141
00:08:43,133.33333333 --> 00:08:46,403.33333333
And guilty for missing the boys, but not really guilty.
142
00:08:46,403.33333333 --> 00:08:49,943.33333333
I think that that sentence comes out of my mouth, because.
143
00:08:51,773.33333333 --> 00:08:53,543.33333333
It's the common sentence.
144
00:08:53,573.33333333 --> 00:08:55,133.33333333
It's the common sentiment.
145
00:08:57,203.33333333 --> 00:09:00,353.33333333
When a mother's away from home, but.
146
00:09:02,573.33333333 --> 00:09:07,283.33333333
I think what that time with this time with this trip has taught me in terms of.
147
00:09:08,663.33333333 --> 00:09:11,783.33333333
The home dynamic is that.
148
00:09:15,503.33333333 --> 00:09:17,33.33333333
You know, due to.
149
00:09:18,533.33333333 --> 00:09:22,913.33333333
Swimming around the conscious parenting content online and.
150
00:09:23,453.33333333 --> 00:09:27,533.33333333
The things you'll read here and there, something that has struck me in a stayed with me.
151
00:09:28,553.33333333 --> 00:09:30,323.33333333
Because it's very uncomfortable.
152
00:09:30,323.33333333 --> 00:09:33,863.33333333
Is the idea that our children are not are ours.
153
00:09:33,923.33333333 --> 00:09:35,363.33333333
They don't belong to us.
154
00:09:36,563.33333333 --> 00:09:38,213.33333333
We are here to guide them.
155
00:09:38,213.33333333 --> 00:09:40,43.33333333
They're their own beings.
156
00:09:40,643.33333333 --> 00:09:43,103.33333333
They're their own entities and.
157
00:09:44,423.33333333 --> 00:09:46,913.33333333
Our job is merely to support.
158
00:09:47,243.33333333 --> 00:09:48,383.33333333
Them love them.
159
00:09:48,443.33333333 --> 00:09:49,343.33333333
Keep them safe.
160
00:09:49,493.33333333 --> 00:09:50,273.33333333
It's not.
161
00:09:50,843.33333333 --> 00:09:55,553.33333333
That we own them and it's our responsibility to make them into something.
162
00:09:56,483.33333333 --> 00:09:58,193.33333333
Uh, and.
163
00:10:02,273.33333333 --> 00:10:04,333.33333333
I think that amount of time away.
164
00:10:05,653.33333333 --> 00:10:08,653.33333333
Forced me to acknowledge that.
165
00:10:11,753.33333333 --> 00:10:14,3.33333333
I too am a, something that is not.
166
00:10:15,83.33333333 --> 00:10:15,743.33333333
Owned.
167
00:10:17,753.33333333 --> 00:10:18,503.33333333
By them.
168
00:10:19,103.33333333 --> 00:10:20,123.33333333
Which is weird.
169
00:10:26,543.33333333 --> 00:10:28,103.33333333
I am not owned by.
170
00:10:28,913.33333333 --> 00:10:31,193.33333333
My family by my.
171
00:10:31,793.33333333 --> 00:10:33,833.33333333
House by my life.
172
00:10:34,973.33333333 --> 00:10:41,603.33333333
You know, it's like, I am.
173
00:10:45,413.33333333 --> 00:10:48,533.33333333
First and foremost, a human being.
174
00:10:54,153.33333333 --> 00:10:59,463.33333333
And outside of all of the tasks and duties and responsibilities and.
175
00:11:00,93.33333333 --> 00:11:03,453.33333333
Um, even the preferences and.
176
00:11:06,303.33333333 --> 00:11:08,613.33333333
You know, hobbies and habits that I have.
177
00:11:11,553.33333333 --> 00:11:14,403.33333333
Being taken away from all that.
178
00:11:14,493.33333333 --> 00:11:16,803.33333333
And put it into a different environment.
179
00:11:18,633.33333333 --> 00:11:20,703.33333333
It really highlighted how.
180
00:11:20,703.33333333 --> 00:11:22,923.33333333
Important it is to.
181
00:11:22,923.33333333 --> 00:11:26,553.33333333
Find center to be tethered to center.
182
00:11:26,553.33333333 --> 00:11:28,623.33333333
And to make that center me.
183
00:11:29,253.33333333 --> 00:11:30,93.33333333
Instead of.
184
00:11:30,93.33333333 --> 00:11:34,263.33333333
Trying to orbit around whatever center I'm trying to create at home.
185
00:11:34,713.33333333 --> 00:11:36,783.33333333
Does that make sense? No.
186
00:11:37,473.33333333 --> 00:11:38,373.33333333
It makes sense to my head.
187
00:11:41,883.33333333 --> 00:11:45,153.33333333
I think there were a lot of things that I would have done differently on this trip.
188
00:11:45,243.33333333 --> 00:11:50,343.33333333
Um, I wanted to really make sure that.
189
00:11:50,343.33333333 --> 00:11:54,523.33333333
We experienced some of the more noteworthy things.
190
00:11:54,523.33333333 --> 00:11:57,553.33333333
I don't know if my mom will come back here or not.
191
00:11:57,553.33333333 --> 00:11:59,263.33333333
And I really wanted her to see.
192
00:11:59,743.33333333 --> 00:12:00,673.33333333
As much as possible.
193
00:12:00,673.33333333 --> 00:12:05,233.33333333
And if it were just me, if I were there alone, I wouldn't have planned anything.
194
00:12:07,103.33333333 --> 00:12:08,753.33333333
I don't really like traveling.
195
00:12:08,843.33333333 --> 00:12:09,593.33333333
I don't.
196
00:12:12,773.33333333 --> 00:12:19,123.33333333
It, although I'm so grateful for the trip and I'm so happy to have experienced Europe.
197
00:12:20,143.33333333 --> 00:12:23,143.33333333
I don't like going somewhere for a week or so at a time.
198
00:12:23,143.33333333 --> 00:12:26,713.33333333
Like if I'm going to go somewhere, I honestly I'd rather move.
199
00:12:26,773.33333333 --> 00:12:27,853.33333333
I'd rather just move there.
200
00:12:28,723.33333333 --> 00:12:34,843.33333333
But I think any form of traveling that I would like to do would be going somewhere for.
201
00:12:36,373.33333333 --> 00:12:37,303.33333333
A couple of months.
202
00:12:37,993.33333333 --> 00:12:41,323.33333333
And just being there and deciding what I want to do while I'm there.
203
00:12:41,533.33333333 --> 00:12:43,633.33333333
Like where my energy takes me.
204
00:12:43,663.33333333 --> 00:12:51,943.33333333
I don't like planning and having to find a time slot and to feel this pressure, to hit all these things that make the most of your time.
205
00:12:52,423.33333333 --> 00:12:53,443.33333333
Don't like that.
206
00:12:54,523.33333333 --> 00:12:55,453.33333333
Um, but.
207
00:12:59,593.33333333 --> 00:13:00,643.33333333
But it was good too.
208
00:13:00,673.33333333 --> 00:13:06,853.33333333
It was good for me to experience like that reinforcement of like, yeah, I don't regret doing it this way.
209
00:13:06,853.33333333 --> 00:13:08,803.33333333
I'm so happy that we saw what we saw.
210
00:13:08,803.33333333 --> 00:13:13,603.33333333
And we went to the lube and we went to the palace of Versailles and like, my mom got to see these amazing things.
211
00:13:14,23.33333333 --> 00:13:14,653.33333333
So did I.
212
00:13:15,223.33333333 --> 00:13:15,943.33333333
But I.
213
00:13:19,393.33333333 --> 00:13:21,643.33333333
And you hear all over and over again.
214
00:13:23,33.33333333 --> 00:13:28,913.33333333
Oh, what, what are you going to do? Do you have plans? Did you do this ahead of time? You know, really should you really? Blah, blah, blah.
215
00:13:29,333.33333333 --> 00:13:30,953.33333333
Like all of these blanket.
216
00:13:30,953.33333333 --> 00:13:32,603.33333333
Well-meaning well-intentioned.
217
00:13:33,773.33333333 --> 00:13:37,103.33333333
Words that make you feel like, oh, I should, I should I, should I, should.
218
00:13:37,163.33333333 --> 00:13:38,483.33333333
I must, I must, I must have missed.
219
00:13:39,413.33333333 --> 00:13:39,923.33333333
And.
220
00:13:40,943.33333333 --> 00:13:46,33.33333333
You know, being there and being honest with myself, Yes, that's a version of this.
221
00:13:46,393.33333333 --> 00:13:47,413.33333333
And it's not my version.
222
00:13:51,793.33333333 --> 00:13:54,703.33333333
And in that same vein.
223
00:13:58,363.33333333 --> 00:14:09,603.33333333
The reminder of oh, Life is still my own just as my children's lives are their own.
224
00:14:10,743.33333333 --> 00:14:15,513.33333333
And there is a way that we can live in really beautiful, connected.
225
00:14:16,293.33333333 --> 00:14:17,253.33333333
Harmony.
226
00:14:18,543.33333333 --> 00:14:20,13.33333333
That doesn't involve.
227
00:14:20,13.33333333 --> 00:14:21,513.33333333
Uh, sacrifice.
228
00:14:25,533.33333333 --> 00:14:27,873.33333333
And then of course, there's the mundane.
229
00:14:28,893.33333333 --> 00:14:30,813.33333333
Sacrifices and.
230
00:14:31,803.33333333 --> 00:14:36,183.33333333
You know, compromises that are inherent with being a parent and, and.
231
00:14:36,503.33333333 --> 00:14:38,33.33333333
Artist and a.
232
00:14:38,33.33333333 --> 00:14:38,603.33333333
Human.
233
00:14:41,663.33333333 --> 00:14:43,793.33333333
But I'm talking about like the deep seated.
234
00:14:45,83.33333333 --> 00:14:46,73.33333333
Sacrifices.
235
00:14:49,823.33333333 --> 00:14:50,843.33333333
The ones.
236
00:14:52,313.33333333 --> 00:14:53,813.33333333
That if you make them.
237
00:14:56,783.33333333 --> 00:14:59,153.33333333
You know, in your gut, as you're making them.
238
00:15:01,493.33333333 --> 00:15:02,933.33333333
The regret that will come.
239
00:15:03,983.33333333 --> 00:15:04,343.33333333
Like.
240
00:15:07,943.33333333 --> 00:15:09,233.33333333
At the end of your days.
241
00:15:19,763.33333333 --> 00:15:20,723.33333333
I think it's really.
242
00:15:22,163.33333333 --> 00:15:23,363.33333333
Sounds this.
243
00:15:23,543.33333333 --> 00:15:24,143.33333333
It may sound.
244
00:15:24,983.33333333 --> 00:15:25,823.33333333
Shitty, but.
245
00:15:28,953.33333333 --> 00:15:31,263.33333333
Although it's hard and painful.
246
00:15:31,353.33333333 --> 00:15:33,63.33333333
I think it's really easy.
247
00:15:34,563.33333333 --> 00:15:35,493.33333333
To use.
248
00:15:36,363.33333333 --> 00:15:40,293.33333333
Our children as an excuse as to why.
249
00:15:41,553.33333333 --> 00:15:42,393.33333333
We didn't.
250
00:15:42,663.33333333 --> 00:15:44,313.33333333
Or couldn't or wouldn't.
251
00:15:47,883.33333333 --> 00:15:50,193.33333333
Do life, the way we really wanted to do it.
252
00:15:57,523.33333333 --> 00:16:01,843.33333333
I've gotten comments like, oh, I could never leave my babies for that long or.
253
00:16:02,743.33333333 --> 00:16:05,833.33333333
You know, They just wouldn't.
254
00:16:06,523.33333333 --> 00:16:08,293.33333333
They couldn't, they couldn't.
255
00:16:10,93.33333333 --> 00:16:11,953.33333333
You know, deal with me being away for that long.
256
00:16:12,823.33333333 --> 00:16:13,423.33333333
And.
257
00:16:14,743.33333333 --> 00:16:21,763.33333333
You know, not out of not saying that in an offensive way for me at all, but just matter of fact, and.
258
00:16:23,443.33333333 --> 00:16:23,923.33333333
And wait.
259
00:16:24,673.33333333 --> 00:16:26,413.33333333
Kids are obsessed with me.
260
00:16:27,413.33333333 --> 00:16:28,233.33333333
obsessed.
261
00:16:29,143.33333333 --> 00:16:29,683.33333333
And.
262
00:16:32,823.33333333 --> 00:16:37,833.33333333
I think it's really beautiful that they had the opportunity to, you know, deepen their.
263
00:16:39,543.33333333 --> 00:16:41,73.3333333
Experiences with just their dad.
264
00:16:45,933.3333333 --> 00:16:49,23.3333333
And I gave them the opportunity to.
265
00:16:49,23.3333333 --> 00:16:49,983.3333333
Find a different.
266
00:16:49,983.3333333 --> 00:16:55,83.3333333
Version of their days and resiliency and all of that without me too.
267
00:16:55,623.3333333 --> 00:16:56,373.3333333
And now I'm back.
268
00:16:56,373.3333333 --> 00:16:58,953.3333333
And of course, like I, that's not the norm.
269
00:17:00,483.3333333 --> 00:17:00,933.3333333
But.
270
00:17:05,833.3333333 --> 00:17:07,923.3333333
We can Build our lives around these.
271
00:17:08,523.3333333 --> 00:17:09,963.3333333
Blanket statements of.
272
00:17:10,743.3333333 --> 00:17:14,823.3333333
I could never leave them for that long, or I could never this, or they could never that.
273
00:17:14,913.3333333 --> 00:17:15,183.3333333
And.
274
00:17:16,653.3333333 --> 00:17:17,823.3333333
We won't ever know.
275
00:17:18,993.3333333 --> 00:17:20,193.3333333
Until we try it.
276
00:17:20,403.3333333 --> 00:17:22,143.3333333
Like we can, you can always.
277
00:17:22,923.3333333 --> 00:17:23,703.3333333
Always course.
278
00:17:23,703.3333333 --> 00:17:24,213.3333333
Correct.
279
00:17:24,393.3333333 --> 00:17:24,933.3333333
Always.
280
00:17:25,23.3333333 --> 00:17:26,103.3333333
You could feel it in your gut.
281
00:17:26,133.3333333 --> 00:17:33,93.3333333
Like if you start doing a lifestyle change, And it's, you know, not right or whatever.
282
00:17:33,873.3333333 --> 00:17:35,463.3333333
You can always undo something.
283
00:17:38,553.3333333 --> 00:17:39,363.3333333
For the most part.
284
00:17:42,353.3333333 --> 00:17:46,133.3333333
You know, an example that I have, that's really current for me is that.
285
00:17:47,453.3333333 --> 00:17:51,533.3333333
I so for the past year, two years, I think two years now.
286
00:17:52,73.3333333 --> 00:17:53,63.3333333
A year and a half, two years.
287
00:17:53,723.3333333 --> 00:17:56,963.3333333
I've been traveling a lot for work.
288
00:17:57,383.3333333 --> 00:17:59,363.3333333
Uh, so since I became.
289
00:18:00,23.3333333 --> 00:18:04,753.3333333
Um, open my own business and it has not been as.
290
00:18:06,283.3333333 --> 00:18:07,693.3333333
Smooth as.
291
00:18:08,413.3333333 --> 00:18:09,853.3333333
It would have been helpful to be.
292
00:18:10,423.3333333 --> 00:18:12,73.3333333
From a monetary perspective.
293
00:18:12,763.3333333 --> 00:18:18,223.3333333
Um, you know, I decided I wasn't willing to get a full-time job and I wanted to.
294
00:18:18,763.3333333 --> 00:18:20,353.3333333
still do my own thing.
295
00:18:20,353.3333333 --> 00:18:21,943.3333333
I decided to start freelancing.
296
00:18:21,973.3333333 --> 00:18:30,163.3333333
So for most months, I've been traveling to California or Atlanta or whatever for a week out of the month.
297
00:18:30,583.3333333 --> 00:18:31,273.3333333
Give or take.
298
00:18:32,263.3333333 --> 00:18:32,833.3333333
And.
299
00:18:35,473.3333333 --> 00:18:36,703.3333333
It was really helpful.
300
00:18:36,763.3333333 --> 00:18:36,913.3333333
It.
301
00:18:37,123.3333333 --> 00:18:41,443.3333333
It made sense, like the, the rates I would get in a week.
302
00:18:42,13.3333333 --> 00:18:42,673.3333333
Wood.
303
00:18:43,423.3333333 --> 00:18:47,113.3333333
Be more than if I had a part-time job for a month here.
304
00:18:48,733.3333333 --> 00:18:50,223.3333333
And, It was a great.
305
00:18:51,213.3333333 --> 00:18:52,233.3333333
Growth experience.
306
00:18:52,233.3333333 --> 00:18:53,883.3333333
It was a great experience in general.
307
00:18:54,273.3333333 --> 00:18:54,783.3333333
But.
308
00:18:55,593.3333333 --> 00:18:56,493.3333333
All right now.
309
00:18:57,543.3333333 --> 00:18:57,873.3333333
I.
310
00:18:58,893.3333333 --> 00:19:01,983.3333333
Had come to the point where I decided I can't.
311
00:19:02,823.3333333 --> 00:19:04,953.3333333
And I don't want to do this anymore.
312
00:19:07,263.3333333 --> 00:19:08,793.3333333
I'm really grateful for it.
313
00:19:08,823.3333333 --> 00:19:14,343.3333333
And I don't, it's not that I'll never do it again, but like this amount of regularity is not something that.
314
00:19:15,693.3333333 --> 00:19:17,133.3333333
I want to be doing right now.
315
00:19:18,153.3333333 --> 00:19:27,93.3333333
And so I, for the first time in my life, well, no, In in high school, I had a part-time job in high school, but.
316
00:19:28,383.3333333 --> 00:19:29,133.3333333
Outside of that.
317
00:19:29,253.3333333 --> 00:19:34,443.3333333
I've never had a job that's part-time um, or outside of my industry.
318
00:19:34,983.3333333 --> 00:19:41,283.3333333
Outside of, you know, being a photo editor or photographer operations specialist or art director.
319
00:19:42,63.3333333 --> 00:19:43,443.3333333
This, I, I.
320
00:19:43,923.3333333 --> 00:19:45,453.3333333
Just said yes.
321
00:19:45,543.3333333 --> 00:19:47,943.3333333
To in office assistant job.
322
00:19:48,393.3333333 --> 00:19:49,293.3333333
Part-time job.
323
00:19:49,773.3333333 --> 00:19:52,803.3333333
Um, That is local to my house.
324
00:19:53,343.3333333 --> 00:19:55,383.3333333
And I'm going to stop traveling.
325
00:19:56,163.3333333 --> 00:19:56,823.3333333
And.
326
00:19:59,313.3333333 --> 00:20:04,953.3333333
You know, parts of me are really like, wow, this feels so strange.
327
00:20:06,483.3333333 --> 00:20:06,753.3333333
Yeah.
328
00:20:07,113.3333333 --> 00:20:08,793.3333333
Just adjusting to.
329
00:20:08,793.3333333 --> 00:20:11,283.3333333
Looking at, you know, this rate versus.
330
00:20:12,183.3333333 --> 00:20:20,403.3333333
The rate and I'm accustomed to, and this and that and also like work outside of, you know, the creative realm.
331
00:20:20,763.3333333 --> 00:20:22,233.3333333
In the traditional sense.
332
00:20:24,633.3333333 --> 00:20:25,143.3333333
But.
333
00:20:29,163.3333333 --> 00:20:31,683.3333333
I have a hunch that this might be.
334
00:20:32,253.3333333 --> 00:20:33,543.3333333
Exactly what I need.
335
00:20:33,573.3333333 --> 00:20:35,43.3333333
And if it's not all on, do it.
336
00:20:36,693.3333333 --> 00:20:38,523.3333333
But I have a hunch that.
337
00:20:42,573.3333333 --> 00:20:43,173.3333333
This mug.
338
00:20:44,163.3333333 --> 00:20:45,3.3333333
It's like this mug.
339
00:20:46,623.3333333 --> 00:20:51,63.3333333
It might look really strange and the way I'm describing it might sound really strange.
340
00:20:51,93.3333333 --> 00:20:53,463.3333333
How has got a huge dent and it looks like it was smushed.
341
00:20:54,153.3333333 --> 00:20:55,683.3333333
Uh, and it was an accident.
342
00:20:58,353.3333333 --> 00:21:02,373.3333333
But the experience of it and the sentiment of it.
343
00:21:03,303.3333333 --> 00:21:04,623.3333333
And the feeling.
344
00:21:06,33.3333333 --> 00:21:06,783.3333333
It's very right.
345
00:21:06,933.3333333 --> 00:21:08,103.3333333
And so when I thought about.
346
00:21:08,823.3333333 --> 00:21:11,343.3333333
Taking part time job.
347
00:21:12,123.3333333 --> 00:21:21,243.3333333
It's really important from, as I was looking for jobs in general, I would look at these jobs that sounded fun and were relevant to me and like our director creative direction.
348
00:21:21,663.3333333 --> 00:21:23,163.3333333
Uh, photography, but.
349
00:21:24,33.3333333 --> 00:21:24,603.3333333
Not only.
350
00:21:24,873.3333333 --> 00:21:25,893.3333333
Full time.
351
00:21:27,333.3333333 --> 00:21:31,653.3333333
Too much of a time commitment because I am going to uphold my own work.
352
00:21:32,133.3333333 --> 00:21:32,553.3333333
But.
353
00:21:33,663.3333333 --> 00:21:37,143.3333333
Energy management wise, mental capacity wise.
354
00:21:37,143.3333333 --> 00:21:38,313.3333333
Like I know myself.
355
00:21:39,303.3333333 --> 00:21:46,503.3333333
And I don't do things half, like I know I would be consumed by their mission.
356
00:21:46,923.3333333 --> 00:21:49,413.3333333
Their job responsibilities, that role.
357
00:21:49,413.3333333 --> 00:21:54,243.3333333
And at this point in my life, I'm not interested in furthering someone else's.
358
00:21:55,533.3333333 --> 00:21:57,303.3333333
Dreams someone else's goal.
359
00:21:57,693.3333333 --> 00:21:59,883.3333333
I want to prioritize me.
360
00:22:00,303.3333333 --> 00:22:02,103.3333333
And prioritizing.
361
00:22:03,933.3333333 --> 00:22:05,73.3333333
My work.
362
00:22:06,603.3333333 --> 00:22:12,993.3333333
In my mental and energetic capacity for my family and myself.
363
00:22:13,483.3333333 --> 00:22:18,283.3333333
requires me to not have a job that turns on that.
364
00:22:19,963.3333333 --> 00:22:21,793.3333333
Intense creative.
365
00:22:22,483.3333333 --> 00:22:22,993.3333333
Juice.
366
00:22:23,233.3333333 --> 00:22:27,523.3333333
You know, Um, And it feels.
367
00:22:27,823.3333333 --> 00:22:31,693.3333333
Really good to think about a job that is like super straightforward.
368
00:22:32,83.3333333 --> 00:22:33,13.3333333
Super.
369
00:22:33,403.3333333 --> 00:22:37,273.3333333
Um, You know, mundane in the tasks.
370
00:22:37,813.3333333 --> 00:22:38,863.3333333
It sounds refreshing.
371
00:22:40,873.3333333 --> 00:22:45,193.3333333
Like, do you have something that separates my days? Like.
372
00:22:45,973.3333333 --> 00:22:46,903.3333333
Gives me.
373
00:22:48,103.3333333 --> 00:22:49,153.3333333
Something to work around.
374
00:22:49,153.3333333 --> 00:22:54,433.3333333
That gives me a sense of, uh, Stability.
375
00:22:55,663.3333333 --> 00:23:01,153.3333333
Instead of this feast and famine dynamic that I've been working with for the last couple of years.
376
00:23:04,953.3333333 --> 00:23:07,923.3333333
So, yeah, I I've ha I have a lot of.
377
00:23:07,923.3333333 --> 00:23:09,483.3333333
Changes a foot.
378
00:23:10,173.3333333 --> 00:23:14,313.3333333
But it feels like settling into bed for the night.
379
00:23:14,343.3333333 --> 00:23:15,513.3333333
It feels like.
380
00:23:16,593.3333333 --> 00:23:17,253.3333333
When you like.
381
00:23:18,753.3333333 --> 00:23:22,443.3333333
Burrow yourself into just the right spot in your bed.
382
00:23:23,43.3333333 --> 00:23:24,423.3333333
Put the pillow between your legs.
383
00:23:24,423.3333333 --> 00:23:26,663.3333333
So you don't feel pain in your hip.
384
00:23:27,323.3333333 --> 00:23:28,163.3333333
I'm getting old.
385
00:23:28,463.3333333 --> 00:23:34,113.3333333
Um, I always stuff like a blanket or a sweater hoodie, under my neck.
386
00:23:35,343.3333333 --> 00:23:37,683.3333333
And then when you get to the spot where.
387
00:23:39,483.3333333 --> 00:23:41,43.3333333
You don't feel.
388
00:23:43,263.3333333 --> 00:23:44,973.3333333
Strain or discomfort.
389
00:23:46,413.3333333 --> 00:23:47,43.3333333
And you feel this.
390
00:23:47,643.3333333 --> 00:23:49,533.3333333
Comfortable neutrality.
391
00:23:50,403.3333333 --> 00:23:53,643.3333333
It's like, then you're able to settle in.
392
00:23:55,803.3333333 --> 00:23:59,43.3333333
And sleep and dream and rest.
393
00:24:00,33.3333333 --> 00:24:02,643.3333333
And it feels like what I'm doing in my life is.
394
00:24:04,113.3333333 --> 00:24:06,63.3333333
Finding a new way to settle in.
395
00:24:07,953.3333333 --> 00:24:09,573.3333333
So that I have this.
396
00:24:11,553.3333333 --> 00:24:12,813.3333333
Availability.
397
00:24:13,173.3333333 --> 00:24:18,723.3333333
To create from a different flavor of space that I have.
398
00:24:21,823.3333333 --> 00:24:27,533.3333333
If you're interested in this sentiment of, part-time work, I have an actual, podcast episode.
399
00:24:28,103.3333333 --> 00:24:35,153.3333333
That I did a little bit back with, uh, my dear friend Morgan, who she's such an inspiration to me.
400
00:24:35,203.3333333 --> 00:24:40,633.3333333
She's only ever had part-time work and made that work around her art.
401
00:24:41,3.3333333 --> 00:24:45,893.3333333
So hearing her talk about it was certainly super inspiring and certainly a nudge.
402
00:24:46,643.3333333 --> 00:24:49,193.3333333
In, in that direction for me.
403
00:24:49,223.3333333 --> 00:24:52,583.3333333
So if you, I will link that in the show notes.
404
00:24:54,83.3333333 --> 00:24:57,263.3333333
So, if you want to check that out and hear more about this conversation.
405
00:24:57,633.3333333 --> 00:25:01,743.3333333
head to that and in her information will be in those show notes and all of that.
406
00:25:03,103.3333333 --> 00:25:03,463.3333333
Yeah.
407
00:25:04,123.3333333 --> 00:25:04,573.3333333
So.
408
00:25:06,43.3333333 --> 00:25:08,53.3333333
I think that's it for this, this.
409
00:25:08,563.3333333 --> 00:25:10,93.3333333
Moment I'm.
410
00:25:12,163.3333333 --> 00:25:14,263.3333333
I'm feeling really antsy to talk about.
411
00:25:15,413.3333333 --> 00:25:19,553.3333333
Some of the breakthroughs I've had some of the experiences.
412
00:25:20,33.3333333 --> 00:25:22,13.3333333
I had in Europe and all of this, but.
413
00:25:22,733.3333333 --> 00:25:25,883.3333333
It feels really important to ground into the sense of.
414
00:25:26,633.3333333 --> 00:25:28,973.3333333
You know, being back home after two weeks away.
415
00:25:28,973.3333333 --> 00:25:33,113.3333333
And speaking to that first and foremost, because I think that that's a big hump that.
416
00:25:34,43.3333333 --> 00:25:34,793.3333333
Many of us.
417
00:25:34,883.3333333 --> 00:25:39,83.3333333
Can't get past to begin with this idea of leaving for so long.
418
00:25:39,83.3333333 --> 00:25:41,803.3333333
I just want to highlight the, importance.
419
00:25:42,553.3333333 --> 00:25:43,183.3333333
Of it.
420
00:25:44,323.3333333 --> 00:25:45,733.3333333
The importance of.
421
00:25:47,263.3333333 --> 00:25:49,273.3333333
If that's something that.
422
00:25:51,73.3333333 --> 00:25:54,823.3333333
You know, is important for you to do as an experience.
423
00:25:55,153.3333333 --> 00:25:56,323.3333333
It doesn't mean that.
424
00:25:57,493.3333333 --> 00:25:58,963.3333333
You know, I was.
425
00:25:58,963.3333333 --> 00:26:01,543.3333333
Not without reservation or I wasn't.
426
00:26:02,33.3333333 --> 00:26:03,203.3333333
Sad about it.
427
00:26:05,663.3333333 --> 00:26:07,493.3333333
It also doesn't mean I had to be sad about it.
428
00:26:08,303.3333333 --> 00:26:09,83.3333333
No judgment.
429
00:26:10,73.3333333 --> 00:26:10,583.3333333
But.
430
00:26:16,313.3333333 --> 00:26:19,283.3333333
That amount of physical space.
431
00:26:20,423.3333333 --> 00:26:21,533.3333333
And mental space.
432
00:26:23,543.3333333 --> 00:26:26,63.3333333
Opens up the possibility to.
433
00:26:29,153.3333333 --> 00:26:30,803.3333333
Nuzzle into your home.
434
00:26:32,463.3333333 --> 00:26:41,133.3333333
Your home life in a way that feels more you, once you're able to recognize like, oh, That's not.
435
00:26:41,973.3333333 --> 00:26:43,743.3333333
Actually working for me.
436
00:26:45,63.3333333 --> 00:26:48,333.3333333
Me as a human, not just me as a mother or a spouse.
437
00:26:49,53.3333333 --> 00:26:51,123.3333333
Like I, me as a person.
438
00:26:53,973.3333333 --> 00:26:56,43.3333333
Has just as much stake.
439
00:26:56,523.3333333 --> 00:26:59,313.3333333
In my everyday life, then.
440
00:26:59,913.3333333 --> 00:27:05,673.3333333
My maternal duties or my relationship duties or my job duties, or what have you.
441
00:27:08,943.3333333 --> 00:27:12,723.3333333
And everyone can and will survive without me.
442
00:27:14,343.3333333 --> 00:27:16,23.3333333
I think that's hard to digest.
443
00:27:21,993.3333333 --> 00:27:24,723.3333333
And I don't say this in a way of like, oh, you.
444
00:27:25,143.3333333 --> 00:27:29,673.3333333
In order to have these revelations, you have to go a million miles from home.
445
00:27:29,703.3333333 --> 00:27:31,323.3333333
That's not what I mean at all.
446
00:27:32,73.3333333 --> 00:27:34,293.3333333
I just want to breathe a little bit more air.
447
00:27:34,803.3333333 --> 00:27:36,273.3333333
Into the conversation just.
448
00:27:38,583.3333333 --> 00:27:41,523.3333333
Open a window of like, if.
449
00:27:43,233.3333333 --> 00:27:45,333.3333333
Your gut like pulls you.
450
00:27:46,923.3333333 --> 00:27:50,613.3333333
But then your heart and your mind are like, no, no, no, no, no, I can't.
451
00:27:50,613.3333333 --> 00:27:51,483.3333333
It's not the time.
452
00:27:51,873.3333333 --> 00:27:53,613.3333333
When the kids are older, when the kids are older.
453
00:27:56,583.3333333 --> 00:27:58,83.3333333
Give yourself some space.
454
00:27:58,533.3333333 --> 00:28:05,493.3333333
To reconsider, um, You know, What if you looked at yourself and your parenthood.
455
00:28:06,693.3333333 --> 00:28:09,903.3333333
In the same way that you're looking at.
456
00:28:10,623.3333333 --> 00:28:11,853.3333333
Your children.
457
00:28:12,393.3333333 --> 00:28:12,873.3333333
And.
458
00:28:14,703.3333333 --> 00:28:16,203.3333333
You know, they're not yours.
459
00:28:17,13.3333333 --> 00:28:19,143.3333333
They are these beautiful spirits.
460
00:28:19,863.3333333 --> 00:28:20,493.3333333
That.
461
00:28:21,603.3333333 --> 00:28:24,843.3333333
Have their own free will and desires and path.
462
00:28:25,143.3333333 --> 00:28:28,533.3333333
And we're just here to be with them and connect and love them.
463
00:28:28,533.3333333 --> 00:28:28,713.3333333
And.
464
00:28:29,553.3333333 --> 00:28:30,543.3333333
Support them.
465
00:28:31,503.3333333 --> 00:28:37,203.3333333
What if that same sentiment was echoed for you? And not just.
466
00:28:37,863.3333333 --> 00:28:39,183.3333333
Someone that is.
467
00:28:41,343.3333333 --> 00:28:42,393.3333333
Completely.
468
00:28:43,263.3333333 --> 00:28:48,633.3333333
Unavoidably attached to this role.
469
00:28:51,393.3333333 --> 00:28:53,733.3333333
The more that you can.
470
00:28:55,683.3333333 --> 00:28:58,803.3333333
Really revel in your humanness.
471
00:28:59,523.3333333 --> 00:29:03,543.3333333
And stay connected to yourself outside of your roles in life.
472
00:29:04,443.3333333 --> 00:29:13,323.3333333
I think the better, more intimate, more fulfilling, any other relationship? Uh, will be.
473
00:29:17,763.3333333 --> 00:29:20,313.3333333
I really think that I really, really do.
474
00:29:21,963.3333333 --> 00:29:28,293.3333333
I come back here and I'm like, okay, I want to take down the mural in my office now.
475
00:29:28,803.3333333 --> 00:29:32,943.3333333
That was up for my, when my son, it was his nursery.
476
00:29:33,423.3333333 --> 00:29:34,653.3333333
It's like a mural of clouds.
477
00:29:34,683.3333333 --> 00:29:36,483.3333333
I don't want to rip it down and paint the wall black.
478
00:29:38,583.3333333 --> 00:29:41,643.3333333
And I think before it felt a little sad to me, but I'm like, wait, what's.
479
00:29:41,643.3333333 --> 00:29:42,903.3333333
What's his nursery.
480
00:29:43,203.3333333 --> 00:29:46,383.3333333
And now I come back and I'm like, This is my studio.
481
00:29:46,383.3333333 --> 00:29:47,433.3333333
It's my office now.
482
00:29:47,973.3333333 --> 00:29:48,573.3333333
It gets mine.
483
00:29:48,843.3333333 --> 00:29:50,13.3333333
I spend time in there now.
484
00:29:50,73.3333333 --> 00:29:50,523.3333333
And.
485
00:29:52,293.3333333 --> 00:29:54,873.3333333
I will be inspired and happy every day.
486
00:29:54,873.3333333 --> 00:29:57,43.3333333
If I walk in there and one whole wall is black.
487
00:29:59,103.3333333 --> 00:30:00,213.3333333
Oh, I look at the.
488
00:30:00,933.3333333 --> 00:30:02,133.3333333
Uh, curtain rod.
489
00:30:02,403.3333333 --> 00:30:05,643.3333333
I'm like, oh, I don't want that silver.
490
00:30:05,643.3333333 --> 00:30:06,603.3333333
I want it brass.
491
00:30:06,603.3333333 --> 00:30:07,443.3333333
And I have breasts.
492
00:30:07,833.3333333 --> 00:30:08,613.3333333
Colored paint.
493
00:30:09,423.3333333 --> 00:30:12,333.3333333
Uh, that's actually a pretty cool, I used to it on some frames.
494
00:30:13,203.3333333 --> 00:30:14,673.3333333
I'm going to paint that brass.
495
00:30:17,253.3333333 --> 00:30:20,613.3333333
It's like I'm coming back and making my home more of my own.
496
00:30:26,433.3333333 --> 00:30:34,53.3333333
How can you make your life more of your own? And maybe you have to look at it.
497
00:30:35,493.3333333 --> 00:30:38,403.3333333
I think this mug, maybe it's going to, whatever changes you make.
498
00:30:38,883.3333333 --> 00:30:47,823.3333333
Are going to look really strange to others and even to yourself, But when you feel them you'll know what's right.
499
00:30:56,843.3333333 --> 00:30:57,203.3333333
Okay.
500
00:30:57,503.3333333 --> 00:30:58,613.3333333
That's what I have for you today.
501
00:30:58,883.3333333 --> 00:31:02,753.3333333
I am going to refill my coffee.
502
00:31:03,353.3333333 --> 00:31:05,603.3333333
Uh, if you are.
503
00:31:06,503.3333333 --> 00:31:08,3.3333333
Looking to join.
504
00:31:08,243.3333333 --> 00:31:12,173.3333333
The sub stack sacred, seeing community where you get your monthly.
505
00:31:13,223.3333333 --> 00:31:14,663.3333333
Introspective.
506
00:31:15,533.3333333 --> 00:31:17,393.3333333
Photo prompted journal.
507
00:31:18,563.3333333 --> 00:31:19,193.3333333
Templates.
508
00:31:19,613.3333333 --> 00:31:20,543.3333333
Such a mouthful.
509
00:31:20,813.3333333 --> 00:31:24,113.3333333
I really got to figure out like a succinct way to say that.
510
00:31:24,473.3333333 --> 00:31:26,603.3333333
I mean, it's nostalgia now is the.
511
00:31:27,833.3333333 --> 00:31:28,703.3333333
Is the.
512
00:31:29,633.3333333 --> 00:31:30,233.3333333
Ritual.
513
00:31:33,663.3333333 --> 00:31:38,343.3333333
But yeah, this photo room, I guess just photographic, journaling prompted photographic journaling.
514
00:31:38,463.3333333 --> 00:31:38,973.3333333
Yes.
515
00:31:39,123.3333333 --> 00:31:39,543.3333333
That's it.
516
00:31:40,323.3333333 --> 00:31:42,993.3333333
Um, Definitely been doing it for fucking.
517
00:31:46,353.3333333 --> 00:31:47,43.3333333
For years.
518
00:31:47,373.3333333 --> 00:31:48,123.3333333
Whatever it's been.
519
00:31:48,993.3333333 --> 00:31:52,533.3333333
Um, If you want to.
520
00:31:53,643.3333333 --> 00:31:54,663.3333333
Receive that.
521
00:31:54,693.3333333 --> 00:32:02,193.3333333
And, uh, the perks of being part of the sacred, seeing collective then head to my sub stack and.
522
00:32:03,153.3333333 --> 00:32:04,923.3333333
And, uh, check it out.
523
00:32:08,173.3333333 --> 00:32:09,793.3333333
I will see you next week.
524
00:32:13,295 --> 00:32:16,515
This has been an Awkward Sage Production.
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