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July 3, 2024
Growing Pains & Comforts
"First I painted the whole structure of his face. Then I wiped out the face. And when the face was gone, it was more Frank than when the face was there." -Elaine de Kooning
Have you arrived yet?
Not "there".
Not at a goal.
here.
Have you arrived here, in this moment- in this body?
Do you need to "wipe it out" first? (all of the distractions, thoughts and ideas)
or do you just need to stop trying to figure it out before you're in it?
(psst- you're always in it.)
((yeah, i'm annoyed by that too lol))
NOTES from Bianca:
1:1 BREAKTHROUGH VISION SESSION
Sacred Seeing Membership for Creatives
https://www.instagram.com/biancaleamorra/
Check out my newest offer- REMOTE PHOTO SESSIONS for emerging artists.
Transcript
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And the quote says.
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Frank was standing there, says Elaine de Kooning.
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First I painted the whole structure of his face.
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Then I wiped out the face.
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And when the face was gone.
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It was more Frank than when the face was there.
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Hm.
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I painted the whole thing.
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Right.
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I.
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Putting all that effort.
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I studied it.
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I translated it.
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And then when I wiped it away, It was more true than when it was there.
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That's kind of how I feel like in life right now.
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I've worked so hard.
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I've done so much.
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And wiping it away.
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Feels like.
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The most honest thing I can do.
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Help Me See is a podcast dedicated to the art of seeing.
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It's a space for the restless visionary with an insatiable desire to create the life and work you're meant for.
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My name is Bianca Lea Mora, and I'm a photographic artist, a mother, and a coach who's transformed my fear of loss into power, art, and philosophy.
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One of the scariest quotes I never want to say is, I wish I knew at the time, but I truly believe that we have the innate ability to bring our wise 2020 hindsight to our now.
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You can deeply experience your nostalgia now, while it's actually happening, with no regrets.
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All you have to do is see.
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In this show, we laugh, we cry, we get inspired, we overshare, we have life changing conversations around making meaning, self discovery, and shedding all the BS layers in order to reconnect to our own sacred vision.
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Seeing yourself is an essential key to living powerfully.
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You are the vessel, the lens that filters absolutely everything in your life.
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What are you filtering for? Whether it be conversations with fellow artists and visionaries, or my solo audio journal style introspective ramblings, each episode is meant to feel like an exhale, an unraveling of truth, a moment for you to be able to put your finger on something that you haven't been able to for far too long.
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Come exactly as you are.
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It's perfect.
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Honor your instincts.
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Let's uncover some of the most important things in our lives which all too often can slip out from our view.
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Let's commit to seeing and consciously creating what only you can in your one and only life.
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Let's dive in.
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Hello.
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Hello, and welcome to another episode of helping me see.
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Today.
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Aye.
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I am coming to you.
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To talk through.
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Me trying to figure out what the fuck my problem is.
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With.
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This obsession.
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I feel like I'm having.
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Indeed in remembering.
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What I'm leaving doing right now.
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You're like I'm wasn't this episode last week.
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No.
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Different crisis.
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Um, no, I was a.
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I was submitting.
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Um, some pictures to an open call and.
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I found myself going to, um, see past entrance and like the work of, uh, you know, some of the jurors.
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And then I was like, But what am I doing that for? Like what? Like, yeah, I guess it's smart ish perhaps, maybe.
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But also, why am I doing that? You know, it's like that.
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And if you're.
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Wanting your work too.
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You know, get you.
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Uh, certain work assimilating to what already exists.
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Doesn't make sense.
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It's like trying to be more like what's already abundantly available.
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It just makes you.
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You know, a smaller fish in that pond.
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Like the only thing that's going to set you apart is.
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Really deepening into you specifically putting those horse blinders on and being like, but what is it that I truly give a fuck about? Not what is interesting visually not.
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Um, You know what some, you know, Trending.
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Theme of sorts, but.
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What do I really, really care about? And how do I.
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First of all, how do I be in that before you worry about creating, how do I be in that? And I don't mean like, how do I diagnose that or figure it out because so often, I mean, I'm sure you know, that you create, you take pictures, you write.
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To find out what you think to be in it.
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Um, to honor it, to acknowledge it, to process it.
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So many ways, but.
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As I was looking at the pictures, I found myself thinking.
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Hmm.
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If this one even got selected.
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What would I.
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Feel about that? What are the ones that would really.
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Make me feel if this one got selected.
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Versus that one.
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And the greater conversation we're having right now, of course, is that about how we're living our lives? And it's just so hard.
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To untangle from.
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All of the established.
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Guidelines and examples.
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That we are engulfed and surrounded by.
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Models of how people tend to live their lives models of how to work like this, how to be like that, how to.
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Parent your kids, how to, I don't know.
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Just all of it.
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Let me read you this.
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Um, so I have started another book on.
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Embodiment.
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I have started yet another book.
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Um, Hold on.
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Let me see what it's called.
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I haven't finished this book that I'm obsessed with a primer for forgetting it.
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I've um, hold on.
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Where's the book.
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What is it called? Um, I don't know.
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Oh, oh, awake where you are by Martin.
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Al word.
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Aylward the art of embodied awareness.
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And it says all that we should, this was like a quote from Tara Brock.
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All that we cherish love, creativity, wisdom, and the liveliness becomes available when we are fully grounded in our bodies.
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Martin offers timeless practices that lead us home.
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Okay.
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So.
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I'm reading that book.
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And as I'm reading that book, I'm thinking.
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That's already oxymoronic.
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I'm thinking it's all about getting out of your head, but, um, Wow.
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I've attached so much.
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Meaning.
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And so much, I have so much dependence on my photographic practice.
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To reveal to me how I.
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And what I think and feel.
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That.
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I feel.
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Not only lost without it, but.
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Hm.
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Uh, it's like, uh, a gap of identity.
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And.
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I'm also not someone that forces myself to photograph when I don't feel like it at all.
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I'll go a long time without picking up the camera.
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Um, I mean, not my cell phone camera.
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I take pictures all the time with that too, but I'm not in any sort of.
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In a very like sketchbook way in a very, um, like journal writing morning pages way.
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Um, which I find to be extraordinarily helpful.
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Um, But I think that working in that way, although a lot of it has.
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Core ties to honoring in instinctual.
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Impulse that I feel within me.
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I still quickly.
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Bring it up and out.
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Like up into my head and out into what's in front of me.
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And yes, like as I'm actually in the work of pressing that fucking button, like looking through the whole, taking the picture.
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Um, It's a very visceral, like I'm feeling, I'm not planning, I'm not overly strategizing or anything like that.
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I'm just being with it in presence, in flow and whatever.
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But.
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I don't know.
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That.
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I spend enough time.
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Like in embodiment.
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In life in general, like all across the board.
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And I'm curious.
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If.
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You as a maker of whatever sort.
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Whatever that is.
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Whether it's a photography painting, writing.
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Uh, homemaking, like literally.
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Anything is an art.
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When you treat it.
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So when you feel it, so.
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So, whatever that is for you, whatever comes to mind.
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Are you.
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Leaning on that in the way of like you're, depending on that.
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Too.
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Give you answers.
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And I don't know I'm saying this, I really kind of mean this neutrally.
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I'm not saying that this is bad.
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But it's information, right? It's.
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And it's also if we're, if, if we can bring ourselves to admit that like, Hmm.
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Yeah, I'm putting, I'm putting this responsibility of sorts on my craft, on my art, on my.
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Whatever you're inherently welcoming in.
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Um, Insidiously the dependency of, uh, or the responsibility of the, the, the, sorry, you're welcoming in so many external factors because your craft is something that is like put out into the world, whether or not you're like literally putting it out to be.
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Jury or whatever, um, you know, submitting it or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
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Even if it's a private thing.
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Once it's outside of you and it's in the world.
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There's so many other factors.
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That come into play.
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And.
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I'm just wanting to note that.
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Like as personal as I feel like my practice is, I also.
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I'm finding myself.
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Very Spacey and scattered and like feeling.
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Differently in.
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I don't know, like the other day.
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I was editing pictures.
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I took on vacation and I felt like sick to my stomach.
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Not in a like, oh, I don't want to be doing this way, but in a.
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Like that aching.
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Nostalgic way.
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And.
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I don't know that I'm supposed to do anything with that information, but I just thought, huh? Like this is some serious feelings that I'm feeling about this.
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And.
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Yeah, it was, and it was one of those days where nothing I was doing felt.
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Like right in terms of editing.
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And I love editing for this reason.
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Cause it.
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Forces this.
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Um, Coming to meet the work in a space that like.
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I already feel in my body and in my eyes.
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That it is, and I can't rest until it's like, I've made it look the way it feels inside of me.
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And it's been really hard for me.
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And.
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Um, you know, I'm in this position where I feel like I'm my style.
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Is changing a little bit, but I'm not quite sure how or why or what, but, um, so it's kind of like growing pains in that area, but anyway, So I'm sharing all this because.
197
00:13:19,395.75640803 --> 00:13:26,115.75640803
I want you to know that if you are in a similar space, It is not a bad thing.
198
00:13:26,115.75640803 --> 00:13:28,365.75640803
It can be very unsettling and uncomfortable.
199
00:13:29,25.75640803 --> 00:13:32,235.75640803
I mean, no matter how many years into a practice you are.
200
00:13:33,375.75640803 --> 00:13:38,325.75640803
I feel like we know rationally that this beginner's mind and this being opened and.
201
00:13:39,555.75640803 --> 00:13:42,675.75640803
Curious and available for growth and change.
202
00:13:42,675.75640803 --> 00:13:47,835.75640803
And transformation is like the best thing we can do for ourselves and for the work.
203
00:13:48,165.75640803 --> 00:13:51,705.75640803
And also when you're this deep in and you're coming to.
204
00:13:52,365.75640803 --> 00:13:53,445.75640803
Into that spot.
205
00:13:53,445.75640803 --> 00:14:00,825.75640803
It's like, what the fuck? What am I even doing? Who am I? What am I.
206
00:14:01,395.75640803 --> 00:14:02,505.75640803
Um, Anyway.
207
00:14:02,505.75640803 --> 00:14:04,755.75640803
So I opened to a page before I started recording.
208
00:14:05,625.75640803 --> 00:14:11,955.75640803
And I, um, from this book that I haven't read in a little bit now, And it is a.
209
00:14:12,465.75640803 --> 00:14:13,5.75640803
Painting.
210
00:14:13,695.75640803 --> 00:14:15,15.75640803
By Elena cocooning.
211
00:14:15,795.75640803 --> 00:14:18,765.75640803
Uh, Franco Hora or O'Hara.
212
00:14:18,885.75640803 --> 00:14:19,605.75640803
I forget, I don't know.
213
00:14:20,805.75640803 --> 00:14:23,415.75640803
And it's from the museum of forgetting gallery of erasers.
214
00:14:23,955.75640803 --> 00:14:25,95.75640803
And the quote says.
215
00:14:25,965.75640803 --> 00:14:28,575.75640803
Frank was standing there, says Elaine de Kooning.
216
00:14:29,265.75640803 --> 00:14:31,875.75640803
First I painted the whole structure of his face.
217
00:14:32,505.75640803 --> 00:14:34,185.75640803
Then I wiped out the face.
218
00:14:34,665.75640803 --> 00:14:36,135.75640803
And when the face was gone.
219
00:14:36,585.75640803 --> 00:14:39,45.75640803
It was more Frank than when the face was there.
220
00:14:41,445.75640803 --> 00:14:42,225.75640803
Hm.
221
00:14:46,815.75640803 --> 00:14:48,825.75640803
I painted the whole thing.
222
00:14:49,95.75640803 --> 00:14:49,425.75640803
Right.
223
00:14:49,755.75640803 --> 00:14:50,85.75640803
I.
224
00:14:50,925.75640803 --> 00:14:52,635.75640803
Putting all that effort.
225
00:14:52,965.75640803 --> 00:14:54,105.75640803
I studied it.
226
00:14:54,465.75640803 --> 00:14:56,205.75640803
I translated it.
227
00:14:57,225.75640803 --> 00:15:02,265.75640803
And then when I wiped it away, It was more true than when it was there.
228
00:15:08,115.75640803 --> 00:15:10,65.75640803
That's kind of how I feel like in life right now.
229
00:15:11,385.75640803 --> 00:15:12,705.75640803
I've worked so hard.
230
00:15:12,885.75640803 --> 00:15:15,435.75640803
I've done so much.
231
00:15:17,325.75640803 --> 00:15:18,495.75640803
And wiping it away.
232
00:15:18,495.75640803 --> 00:15:19,215.75640803
Feels like.
233
00:15:20,955.75640803 --> 00:15:22,155.75640803
The most honest thing I can do.
234
00:15:24,45.75640803 --> 00:15:25,155.75640803
Hi, you're good.
235
00:15:25,155.75640803 --> 00:15:25,665.75640803
What's up.
236
00:15:28,335.75640803 --> 00:15:28,935.75640803
What's that.
237
00:15:32,655.75640803 --> 00:15:33,465.75640803
It's okay, buddy.
238
00:15:35,635.75640803 --> 00:15:36,25.75640803
Okay.
239
00:15:36,85.75640803 --> 00:15:37,315.75640803
So I just.
240
00:15:39,175.75640803 --> 00:15:40,645.75640803
Had my kids call me for a second.
241
00:15:40,645.75640803 --> 00:15:46,45.75640803
I have for the first time ever today's day two, um, again, neighbor.
242
00:15:46,315.75640803 --> 00:15:49,555.75640803
Um, that's kind of helping kind of babysit and play with them.
243
00:15:50,515.75640803 --> 00:15:51,805.75640803
Both of us are still here.
244
00:15:52,225.75640803 --> 00:15:54,205.75640803
Um, their dad and I are still here.
245
00:15:54,295.75640803 --> 00:15:58,225.75640803
Um, it's from like 10 to two, uh, three days a week.
246
00:15:58,795.75640803 --> 00:16:01,405.75640803
And, um, so it's really, really nice.
247
00:16:01,405.75640803 --> 00:16:02,95.75640803
And I'm still.
248
00:16:02,995.75640803 --> 00:16:07,15.75640803
This is only day two and I've been up and down a million times, but it's still a massive help.
249
00:16:08,215.75640803 --> 00:16:10,945.75640803
But also really hard, cause I was like, so in the zone just now.
250
00:16:11,65.75640803 --> 00:16:12,535.75640803
Talking in my basement.
251
00:16:12,925.75640803 --> 00:16:17,815.75640803
And then I had to go upstairs and like help and like in the sun, outside with all the toys and I'm like, wow.
252
00:16:17,845.75640803 --> 00:16:19,825.75640803
I feel like I live in like two different universes.
253
00:16:22,435.75640803 --> 00:16:22,855.75640803
Anyway.
254
00:16:24,565.75640803 --> 00:16:28,345.75640803
So, what are we saying about wiping.
255
00:16:28,825.75640803 --> 00:16:36,565.75640803
Wiping it clean is like, I feel like so much of.
256
00:16:37,285.75640803 --> 00:16:41,515.756408
Life after a layoff, like there's so many chapter points.
257
00:16:42,85.756408 --> 00:16:47,245.756408
It's like, um, I would say going to school.
258
00:16:47,245.756408 --> 00:16:51,535.756408
He has a few chapters, I would say then graduating college.
259
00:16:52,555.756408 --> 00:16:53,635.756408
First job.
260
00:16:54,655.756408 --> 00:16:56,185.756408
Um, having a baby.
261
00:16:56,395.756408 --> 00:16:57,295.756408
Definitely.
262
00:16:57,925.756408 --> 00:17:03,565.756408
Um, Actually having a dog verse, that changed me a lot.
263
00:17:03,685.756408 --> 00:17:05,605.756408
Um, and then having a baby.
264
00:17:06,865.756408 --> 00:17:07,495.756408
And then.
265
00:17:08,725.756408 --> 00:17:10,645.756408
Leaving full-time employment.
266
00:17:11,5.756408 --> 00:17:14,935.756408
Specifically has been like the hardest, I would say.
267
00:17:15,475.756408 --> 00:17:16,615.756408
Um, It.
268
00:17:17,155.756408 --> 00:17:18,415.756408
Well, actually, that's not true.
269
00:17:18,565.756408 --> 00:17:22,885.756408
Nah, not harder than my postpartum depression, anxiety.
270
00:17:24,445.756408 --> 00:17:27,685.756408
Um, I'd say it is.
271
00:17:28,15.756408 --> 00:17:30,745.756408
Definitely been the most.
272
00:17:31,465.756408 --> 00:17:33,145.756408
Earth shattering to.
273
00:17:33,895.756408 --> 00:17:36,115.756408
The greater scope of.
274
00:17:36,595.756408 --> 00:17:39,205.756408
Like foundational living as I knew it.
275
00:17:39,235.756408 --> 00:17:44,935.756408
And as I metabolized it and like really understanding the depths in which I was.
276
00:17:45,595.756408 --> 00:17:48,895.756408
Basing my value and my life experiences off of.
277
00:17:49,855.756408 --> 00:17:50,995.756408
And my time.
278
00:17:51,325.756408 --> 00:17:56,365.756408
My time on this planet and my finances and my expectations and my whatever.
279
00:17:56,755.756408 --> 00:17:57,805.756408
Based off of.
280
00:17:59,65.756408 --> 00:18:00,505.756408
All of these constructs.
281
00:18:00,985.756408 --> 00:18:06,355.756408
Uh, And witnessing and feeling how it has spelled to have to.
282
00:18:07,15.756408 --> 00:18:10,705.756408
Decide something different and not having an example.
283
00:18:11,125.756408 --> 00:18:17,245.756408
Um, Has been hard because inherently we're searching for other examples, we're searching for.
284
00:18:17,755.756408 --> 00:18:20,65.756408
Uh, things that we resonate with.
285
00:18:20,95.756408 --> 00:18:26,605.756408
And I think that it in with my best intentions and the best intentions of others.
286
00:18:27,865.756408 --> 00:18:30,625.756408
I feel like I've seen too much now.
287
00:18:31,405.756408 --> 00:18:35,665.756408
And it's just all too much and I need to I've like drink it in like drinking the.
288
00:18:36,265.756408 --> 00:18:38,215.756408
Information and I love it.
289
00:18:38,245.756408 --> 00:18:41,395.756408
And you know, I would go to school my whole life.
290
00:18:41,455.756408 --> 00:18:42,475.756408
If I could.
291
00:18:42,475.756408 --> 00:18:42,655.756408
And.
292
00:18:43,675.756408 --> 00:18:50,905.756408
All of that, but it very much feels like a time of like shutting down, like closing out the outside influences and going.
293
00:18:51,385.756408 --> 00:18:58,405.756408
Inside and really sensing and feeling what feels good because I've, I've hit a wall cognitively.
294
00:18:58,705.756408 --> 00:19:03,565.756408
I'm like, I can't figure this out ahead of experiencing it.
295
00:19:04,45.756408 --> 00:19:05,485.756408
Um, and it makes perfect sense.
296
00:19:05,515.756408 --> 00:19:06,235.756408
It's the same way.
297
00:19:06,235.756408 --> 00:19:10,375.756408
If I'm going into a, um, photo session, I cannot plan.
298
00:19:10,405.756408 --> 00:19:12,175.756408
I can not figure out.
299
00:19:12,655.756408 --> 00:19:16,225.756408
The pictures I'm going to take before being there and feeling there.
300
00:19:16,615.756408 --> 00:19:17,995.756408
And being in that.
301
00:19:18,325.756408 --> 00:19:22,255.756408
And, um, The most important part of any.
302
00:19:22,855.756408 --> 00:19:26,725.756408
Any work, any art, any, anything is.
303
00:19:30,85.756408 --> 00:19:36,925.756408
I don't know if succumbing is the word, it feels like a weird word to use, but like, To the moment, like just surrendering.
304
00:19:37,405.756408 --> 00:19:42,175.756408
Any preconceived notions, any thoughts? Any plans, any.
305
00:19:43,435.756408 --> 00:19:49,285.756408
Whatever, just like putting it all down and just being there and moving from that place of honesty and truth.
306
00:19:49,345.756408 --> 00:19:51,925.756408
And so that's what I'm doing right now with putting everything down.
307
00:19:52,975.756408 --> 00:19:59,95.756408
Um, But in, in regards to how that's manifesting in my work.
308
00:20:00,235.756408 --> 00:20:01,495.756408
My artwork.
309
00:20:03,85.756408 --> 00:20:07,285.756408
Um, It's it's uncomfortable.
310
00:20:07,315.756408 --> 00:20:16,795.756408
And I'm brought back to that familiar question of like, but what's the point? But what's the point, but why.
311
00:20:17,65.756408 --> 00:20:17,335.756408
Like.
312
00:20:18,25.756408 --> 00:20:20,995.756408
Even if I figure this out, but why.
313
00:20:22,195.756408 --> 00:20:31,46.7541405
What is the point? I think so much of it.
314
00:20:31,466.7541405 --> 00:20:32,576.7541405
Has to do with.
315
00:20:34,586.7541405 --> 00:20:38,606.7541405
Honestly feeling like I've arrived fully.
316
00:20:40,556.7541405 --> 00:20:43,196.7541405
In all aspects of my life and my work.
317
00:20:46,916.7541405 --> 00:20:49,196.7541405
Have I arrived fully.
318
00:20:50,216.7541405 --> 00:20:51,296.7541405
To my life.
319
00:20:51,536.7541405 --> 00:20:53,486.7541405
To myself, to this moment.
320
00:20:53,966.7541405 --> 00:21:02,96.7541405
Um, and not depending on my brain to construct a story that makes me feel okay about it.
321
00:21:02,486.7541405 --> 00:21:05,96.7541405
But like, Feeling in.
322
00:21:07,556.7541405 --> 00:21:09,56.7541405
Into my body in that way.
323
00:21:09,176.7541405 --> 00:21:11,246.7541405
And I don't really know what that means.
324
00:21:13,106.7541405 --> 00:21:15,146.7541405
I don't know what that means, but I know.
325
00:21:15,836.7541405 --> 00:21:16,736.7541405
I know.
326
00:21:18,866.7541405 --> 00:21:19,766.7541405
What I mean.
327
00:21:23,36.7541405 --> 00:21:30,836.7541405
Do you know what I mean? Oh, my gosh.
328
00:21:31,706.7541405 --> 00:21:32,126.7541405
No.
329
00:21:32,186.7541405 --> 00:21:32,876.7541405
It's like.
330
00:21:34,166.7541405 --> 00:21:35,336.7541405
You know, I think.
331
00:21:35,726.7541405 --> 00:21:36,956.7541405
This makes me okay.
332
00:21:37,16.7541405 --> 00:21:42,686.7541405
So this idea of like arriving fully, this is making me think of like those pictures that I took of my parents.
333
00:21:43,166.7541405 --> 00:21:49,526.7541405
I'm on vacation and some of them were like, So beautiful to me, but it's still, I was feeling like sick.
334
00:21:49,556.7541405 --> 00:21:50,396.7541405
Like, it just felt like.
335
00:21:51,626.7541405 --> 00:21:52,496.7541405
Sick about it.
336
00:21:52,496.7541405 --> 00:22:00,986.7541405
And it's like, I think I was like confronting myself with the images of like, was I fully there? Like I remember how I felt in that moment.
337
00:22:00,986.7541405 --> 00:22:01,736.7541405
And I remember.
338
00:22:02,246.7541405 --> 00:22:04,526.7541405
You know, obviously subconsciously I was.
339
00:22:05,456.7541405 --> 00:22:11,396.7541405
Stealing and like taking pictures and making the work as I always do, but it was also a really tough trip for me.
340
00:22:11,396.7541405 --> 00:22:12,956.7541405
There's a bunch of stuff that happened that.
341
00:22:13,526.7541405 --> 00:22:17,486.7541405
Really stressed me out and freed me in intense ways.
342
00:22:17,996.7541405 --> 00:22:21,596.7541405
And, um, I don't know.
343
00:22:21,596.7541405 --> 00:22:23,876.7541405
I look at those pictures I took and I see my whole life.
344
00:22:24,86.7541405 --> 00:22:25,946.7541405
I see my whole history.
345
00:22:26,906.7541405 --> 00:22:32,966.7541405
Uh, with them and like how they are a metaphor, the two of them in their opposites for like what's inside of me.
346
00:22:33,476.7541405 --> 00:22:35,36.7541405
And the pictures.
347
00:22:35,186.7541405 --> 00:22:38,66.7541405
Give me a second chance to arrive in that moment.
348
00:22:38,546.7541405 --> 00:22:40,766.7541405
And I think in that arrival, I fell.
349
00:22:41,756.7541405 --> 00:22:42,446.7541405
Like sick.
350
00:22:42,896.7541405 --> 00:22:45,896.7541405
In that arrival, I felt like overwhelmed.
351
00:22:46,496.7541405 --> 00:22:49,166.7541405
Um, And that's okay.
352
00:22:50,336.7541405 --> 00:22:51,536.7541405
And that's okay.
353
00:22:55,436.7541405 --> 00:23:00,446.7541405
You know, whether it's yoga or, um, a breathwork class or whatever it is.
354
00:23:00,956.7541405 --> 00:23:04,166.7541405
I'm always so grateful for the reminder that the teacher.
355
00:23:04,586.7541405 --> 00:23:11,936.7541405
Has to say, when they talk about noticing like something that hurts or a sore or is tight or.
356
00:23:13,106.7541405 --> 00:23:15,236.7541405
You know, something in your body, that's not feeling like.
357
00:23:17,306.7541405 --> 00:23:19,286.7541405
You know, pleasant.
358
00:23:20,36.7541405 --> 00:23:23,96.7541405
And how just notice it and stop.
359
00:23:23,276.7541405 --> 00:23:24,746.7541405
You don't have to fix it.
360
00:23:25,106.7541405 --> 00:23:25,886.7541405
Just notice it.
361
00:23:25,946.7541405 --> 00:23:28,46.7541405
And it's those moments where I'm like, wait, what.
362
00:23:29,126.7541405 --> 00:23:31,256.7541405
I don't have to do something about it.
363
00:23:31,256.7541405 --> 00:23:32,486.7541405
What? Just let it.
364
00:23:33,446.7541405 --> 00:23:35,936.7541405
Just see it in like, not action on it.
365
00:23:36,146.7541405 --> 00:23:36,596.7541405
What.
366
00:23:46,346.7541405 --> 00:23:47,366.7541405
And I think that.
367
00:23:48,986.7541405 --> 00:23:50,156.7541405
That is so huge.
368
00:23:50,186.7541405 --> 00:23:54,446.7541405
Not only in the moment, but like going forward in life because when we think about.
369
00:23:54,866.7541405 --> 00:24:07,436.7541405
How everything we see and uncover if we take everything as our personal responsibility as, uh, like our burden or our thing to figure out or whatever, and we pick up all of these things along the way.
370
00:24:07,436.7541405 --> 00:24:07,796.7541405
Okay.
371
00:24:08,6.7541405 --> 00:24:11,246.7541405
I can't address it now because I'm doing this, but I know it and I feel it.
372
00:24:11,246.7541405 --> 00:24:11,966.7541405
I'm going to remember this.
373
00:24:12,26.7541405 --> 00:24:13,886.7541405
And then, uh, I'm dog hearing it.
374
00:24:13,916.7541405 --> 00:24:14,576.7541405
I'll fix it up.
375
00:24:14,606.7541405 --> 00:24:15,86.7541405
Pick that up.
376
00:24:15,116.7541405 --> 00:24:15,716.7541405
I'll pick this up.
377
00:24:15,746.7541405 --> 00:24:16,376.7541405
I'll pick that up.
378
00:24:17,876.7541405 --> 00:24:19,106.7541405
Every single moment.
379
00:24:19,106.7541405 --> 00:24:25,406.7541405
Every step you take, you're carrying so much, so much more than it's even possible.
380
00:24:25,406.7541405 --> 00:24:26,486.7541405
So much more than.
381
00:24:29,126.7541405 --> 00:24:30,536.7541405
Then it's possible to even help.
382
00:24:30,866.7541405 --> 00:24:34,646.7541405
You be in the moment for the thing that's unrelated or the thing that's.
383
00:24:37,436.7541405 --> 00:24:41,876.7541405
It might otherwise be extremely helpful, but you're not able to really be with it.
384
00:24:46,16.7541405 --> 00:24:47,126.7541405
And again, this is.
385
00:24:48,716.7541405 --> 00:24:50,636.7541405
Really hard to.
386
00:24:52,316.7541405 --> 00:24:54,446.7541405
Acknowledge and be aware of.
387
00:24:56,96.7541405 --> 00:24:58,406.7541405
Unless we have either a mirror.
388
00:24:58,826.7541405 --> 00:25:02,636.7541405
Like, uh, a really amazing friend or coach.
389
00:25:03,356.7541405 --> 00:25:06,596.7541405
That is, you know, I had never reflecting back.
390
00:25:07,346.7541405 --> 00:25:13,496.7541405
Um, What we're saying? Or we utilize ourself.
391
00:25:14,96.7541405 --> 00:25:17,396.7541405
As that with our photographs or our practice or whatever were.
392
00:25:17,816.7541405 --> 00:25:21,176.7541405
We're making in our life to be able to.
393
00:25:22,286.7541405 --> 00:25:24,956.7541405
Kind of obstruct and bring yourself back and be like, Hmm.
394
00:25:27,146.7541405 --> 00:25:33,566.7541405
Let me look at this as if it wasn't me, let me take away all of those filters and those judgments and lenses that I use.
395
00:25:33,956.7541405 --> 00:25:36,446.7541405
When I know something has anything to do with me.
396
00:25:36,926.7541405 --> 00:25:38,186.7541405
And let me look at it now.
397
00:25:39,206.7541405 --> 00:25:39,776.7541405
In this way.
398
00:25:42,66.7541405 --> 00:25:43,776.7541405
And then there's the element of fun.
399
00:25:43,836.7541405 --> 00:25:45,96.7541405
You're like, no, I know it.
400
00:25:45,396.7541405 --> 00:25:46,416.7541405
I'm aware of it.
401
00:25:47,796.7541405 --> 00:25:48,696.7541405
I see it.
402
00:25:49,626.7541405 --> 00:25:51,276.7541405
And yet I'm not changing it.
403
00:25:51,996.7541405 --> 00:25:52,566.7541405
And that.
404
00:25:53,526.7541405 --> 00:25:54,846.7541405
That's the fucking worst.
405
00:26:00,516.7541405 --> 00:26:02,886.7541405
Because then you're mad at yourself in a deeper level.
406
00:26:02,916.7541405 --> 00:26:04,56.7541405
You're like, I know better.
407
00:26:04,926.7541405 --> 00:26:05,676.7541405
And I know better.
408
00:26:06,156.7541405 --> 00:26:06,876.7541405
And yet.
409
00:26:07,656.7541405 --> 00:26:08,766.7541405
I'm repeating this pattern.
410
00:26:09,486.7541405 --> 00:26:09,936.7541405
And.
411
00:26:11,766.7541405 --> 00:26:16,596.7541405
I think that magnifying glass just in the same way as a magnifying glass outside in the sun.
412
00:26:17,106.7541405 --> 00:26:17,766.7541405
The heat.
413
00:26:18,876.7541405 --> 00:26:24,306.7541405
We'll go into that thing and like burn that blade of grass or whatever it, that intensity.
414
00:26:25,746.7541405 --> 00:26:26,196.7541405
Of.
415
00:26:27,186.7541405 --> 00:26:32,496.7541405
Quote-unquote knowing better, but not being able to stop a habitual habit.
416
00:26:32,856.7541405 --> 00:26:35,946.7541405
Like that point of contention is so.
417
00:26:37,206.7541405 --> 00:26:38,166.7541405
Intense.
418
00:26:38,466.7541405 --> 00:26:41,466.7541405
And so taxing energetically that.
419
00:26:42,456.7541405 --> 00:26:43,716.7541405
Energetically physically.
420
00:26:44,286.7541405 --> 00:26:48,696.7541405
Um, That it really hinders our ability to actually do make a different choice.
421
00:26:48,936.7541405 --> 00:26:50,316.7541405
Because we don't have the energy.
422
00:26:50,616.7541405 --> 00:26:53,616.7541405
It takes a lot of energy to change a habit.
423
00:26:54,246.7541405 --> 00:26:58,416.7541405
Um, and it's not that it doesn't matter what the new habit is.
424
00:26:58,446.7541405 --> 00:26:58,626.7541405
Like.
425
00:26:58,626.7541405 --> 00:27:09,936.7541405
It could be something like the habit of, I want to, instead of working out relax, but you're so used to working out that like it's easier to work out than it is to relax and, or vice versa, whatever.
426
00:27:10,776.7541405 --> 00:27:14,466.7541405
Um, I just like being gentle and okay.
427
00:27:14,466.7541405 --> 00:27:15,66.7541405
With yourself with.
428
00:27:15,306.7541405 --> 00:27:19,206.7541405
Acknowledging like, as I've just been doing it like this for so long.
429
00:27:19,446.7541405 --> 00:27:24,366.7541405
And the absolute biggest thing I could ever possibly do for myself is just be aware of notice it.
430
00:27:25,806.7541405 --> 00:27:28,86.7541405
And when you're okay with that, when you let that be.
431
00:27:32,256.7541405 --> 00:27:36,666.7541405
I think in time, it becomes easier to shift out of that.
432
00:27:37,176.7541405 --> 00:27:38,706.7541405
'cause, you're not like white knuckling.
433
00:27:38,706.7541405 --> 00:27:40,56.7541405
You're not grinding your teeth.
434
00:27:41,196.7541405 --> 00:27:43,836.7541405
You're just inviting yourself in those micro moments.
435
00:27:44,376.7541405 --> 00:27:45,366.7541405
To like soften.
436
00:27:45,576.7541405 --> 00:27:45,966.7541405
Okay.
437
00:27:45,996.7541405 --> 00:27:46,326.7541405
See it.
438
00:27:47,406.7541405 --> 00:27:47,946.7541405
I see it.
439
00:27:48,126.7541405 --> 00:27:48,636.7541405
I see it.
440
00:27:48,846.7541405 --> 00:27:49,266.7541405
Okay.
441
00:27:53,586.7541405 --> 00:27:54,186.7541405
Okay.
442
00:27:54,726.7541405 --> 00:28:00,96.7541405
I have floundered through this conversation and gone on tangents and.
443
00:28:00,816.7541405 --> 00:28:03,516.7541405
Uh, I'll end with this, I'll end with this.
444
00:28:03,696.7541405 --> 00:28:05,466.7541405
So I have.
445
00:28:06,546.7541405 --> 00:28:07,416.7541405
Been.
446
00:28:08,46.7541405 --> 00:28:13,176.7541405
Really feeling very Spacey and frenetic and like, oh my gosh.
447
00:28:15,186.7541405 --> 00:28:16,86.7541405
And.
448
00:28:16,86.7541405 --> 00:28:20,406.7541405
I don't know if it's summer having both kids at home, having a lot of travel.
449
00:28:20,706.7541405 --> 00:28:21,366.7541405
This or that.
450
00:28:21,816.7541405 --> 00:28:27,66.7541405
Um, But it has been harder than normal to.
451
00:28:27,96.7541405 --> 00:28:29,856.7541405
I have the drive to engage in work.
452
00:28:29,856.7541405 --> 00:28:35,376.7541405
And I believe it's because I'm like uprooting in like searching for a new home for.
453
00:28:36,246.7541405 --> 00:28:39,276.7541405
My like foundational thoughts around what I'm doing.
454
00:28:41,526.7541405 --> 00:28:43,446.7541405
We're coming back to a remembrance of it, whatever.
455
00:28:43,536.7541405 --> 00:28:43,956.7541405
Anyway.
456
00:28:44,676.7541405 --> 00:28:45,486.7541405
Oh, my gosh.
457
00:28:45,516.7541405 --> 00:28:47,46.7541405
I'm so sick of my own brains.
458
00:28:50,436.7541405 --> 00:28:50,916.7541405
Are you using.
459
00:28:51,156.7541405 --> 00:28:51,516.7541405
It's like.
460
00:28:52,266.7541405 --> 00:28:55,56.7541405
Are you still there? I'm so sorry if you are.
461
00:28:58,296.7541405 --> 00:29:00,36.7541405
Um, But.
462
00:29:01,896.7541405 --> 00:29:04,266.7541405
I said I was listening to a Vox.
463
00:29:04,656.7541405 --> 00:29:10,146.7541405
From my friend and she, her and I are collaborating on an Oracle card deck.
464
00:29:10,296.7541405 --> 00:29:11,826.7541405
I love Oracle card decks.
465
00:29:11,856.7541405 --> 00:29:13,296.7541405
They're just so fun.
466
00:29:13,356.7541405 --> 00:29:15,606.7541405
And they just breathe this.
467
00:29:17,136.7541405 --> 00:29:19,716.7541405
Intentionality and resonance into your day.
468
00:29:19,716.7541405 --> 00:29:26,796.7541405
And, um, I have for a long time been, um, planning to make my own card deck around.
469
00:29:27,156.7541405 --> 00:29:28,206.7541405
My topic of choice.
470
00:29:28,206.7541405 --> 00:29:31,596.7541405
And, um, she has been wanting to do that as well.
471
00:29:31,596.7541405 --> 00:29:37,806.7541405
And I was like, oh, let's, you know, plan to have some sort of like creative day where we work together.
472
00:29:38,196.7541405 --> 00:29:39,996.7541405
Um, even though they're separate projects.
473
00:29:40,656.7541405 --> 00:29:44,256.7541405
Um, but then it came up that I was going to provide the visuals for her.
474
00:29:45,336.7541405 --> 00:29:48,36.7541405
And like once she starts.
475
00:29:49,956.7541405 --> 00:29:52,806.7541405
Writing down what the messages are and what the.
476
00:29:53,586.7541405 --> 00:30:05,346.7541405
The car titles are, then I can take that and feel into that and see, you know, what photographs I want to take and what, what would be my way of metabolizing that.
477
00:30:05,466.7541405 --> 00:30:05,796.7541405
And.
478
00:30:06,306.7541405 --> 00:30:09,936.7541405
She had left me a box saying, yeah, I thought that would be really cool.
479
00:30:09,936.7541405 --> 00:30:16,656.7541405
If all the I'll send you a few examples of what you're thinking, I'm thinking, and then you can send me a few examples of like your interpretation of it.
480
00:30:16,656.7541405 --> 00:30:18,276.7541405
And we can go back and forth a few times, but.
481
00:30:18,726.7541405 --> 00:30:22,536.7541405
She was like, I understand if you have too much going on right now and we don't have to do this.
482
00:30:22,626.7541405 --> 00:30:25,566.7541405
Um, You know, for a while or blah, blah, blah.
483
00:30:26,16.7541405 --> 00:30:27,966.7541405
But it was so clear in my body that I'm.
484
00:30:27,996.7541405 --> 00:30:29,166.7541405
I'm like, no.
485
00:30:29,466.7541405 --> 00:30:32,436.7541405
No, this is the, the, uh, clear guests.
486
00:30:32,646.7541405 --> 00:30:33,576.7541405
It's like, oh my gosh.
487
00:30:34,206.7541405 --> 00:30:34,986.7541405
There's just nothing.
488
00:30:35,16.7541405 --> 00:30:36,396.7541405
There's nothing to overthink.
489
00:30:36,426.7541405 --> 00:30:36,846.7541405
There's nothing.
490
00:30:36,876.7541405 --> 00:30:38,286.7541405
It's just feel just.
491
00:30:38,826.7541405 --> 00:30:40,746.7541405
Oh, she's going to bring me a message.
492
00:30:40,776.7541405 --> 00:30:41,466.7541405
I'm going to read it.
493
00:30:41,466.7541405 --> 00:30:43,656.7541405
And I'm going to just go from there.
494
00:30:44,166.7541405 --> 00:30:45,66.7541405
And I'm like, oh no.
495
00:30:45,66.7541405 --> 00:30:45,276.7541405
Yeah.
496
00:30:45,306.7541405 --> 00:30:48,336.7541405
All the things going on in life, I'm like, this is a clear, yes.
497
00:30:48,516.7541405 --> 00:30:51,576.7541405
I'm happy to work on it and make time for it and blah, blah, blah.
498
00:30:52,326.7541405 --> 00:30:54,216.7541405
And then I thought to myself, why.
499
00:30:55,356.7541405 --> 00:30:57,696.7541405
Can I just treat my whole fucking life.
500
00:30:57,696.7541405 --> 00:30:58,866.7541405
Like Oracle deck then.
501
00:30:59,256.7541405 --> 00:31:00,216.7541405
Then this assignment.
502
00:31:00,636.7541405 --> 00:31:09,606.7541405
Then this like, Exactly what is making me excited and like very clear about yes.
503
00:31:11,526.7541405 --> 00:31:13,296.7541405
Can we not treat our whole lives like that.
504
00:31:15,426.7541405 --> 00:31:15,816.7541405
Just.
505
00:31:16,746.7541405 --> 00:31:21,576.7541405
Meet what is presented to you? Feel into it and move from there.
506
00:31:24,306.7541405 --> 00:31:26,856.7541405
Easier said than done, easier said than lived.
507
00:31:27,726.7541405 --> 00:31:28,596.7541405
And also.
508
00:31:30,336.7541405 --> 00:31:30,996.7541405
Is it.
509
00:31:31,536.7541405 --> 00:31:32,796.7541405
Must it be.
510
00:31:44,796.7541405 --> 00:31:47,496.7541405
What in your life right now is a clear.
511
00:31:47,856.7541405 --> 00:31:48,516.7541405
Yes.
512
00:31:49,206.7541405 --> 00:31:52,416.7541405
Not burdened with responsibility and.
513
00:31:54,96.7541405 --> 00:31:58,296.7541405
And expectation and performance and.
514
00:31:58,776.7541405 --> 00:32:03,156.7541405
Um, concern for judgments and thoughts and insecurity.
515
00:32:03,156.7541405 --> 00:32:06,636.7541405
What in your life just jumps out at you as yes.
516
00:32:06,696.7541405 --> 00:32:08,286.7541405
Just clean fun.
517
00:32:08,286.7541405 --> 00:32:08,946.7541405
Yes.
518
00:32:08,946.7541405 --> 00:32:09,666.7541405
Like, Ugh.
519
00:32:10,746.7541405 --> 00:32:12,36.7541405
Yes, this is life.
520
00:32:12,66.7541405 --> 00:32:13,236.7541405
This is what life's about.
521
00:32:13,326.7541405 --> 00:32:19,956.7541405
This is where I feel energized and embodied and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, whatever it is, whatever comes to your mind.
522
00:32:22,836.7541405 --> 00:32:29,466.7541405
How can that be your whole life? And it doesn't have to be like, how can you turn that into a business or a.
523
00:32:30,96.7541405 --> 00:32:32,466.7541405
But like really sit with that.
524
00:32:32,526.7541405 --> 00:32:38,736.7541405
And it's like, if there's something so true and so clear and so honest and so inspiring, and so right for you.
525
00:32:39,216.7541405 --> 00:32:48,636.7541405
What business do you have not making that your whole life? Like that sentiment or that approach or that, however you come into contact with that, however you arrive in that.
526
00:32:52,86.7541405 --> 00:33:16,176.7541405
How can that reverberate, how can that expand to your whole life? Sometimes it feels like we all need to go into like a silent retreat blindfolded for like, Seven days and then come out into the world, a new, like, free from all of.
527
00:33:16,956.7541405 --> 00:33:18,36.7541405
The stuff.
528
00:33:18,456.7541405 --> 00:33:19,536.7541405
All of the noise.
529
00:33:20,16.7541405 --> 00:33:23,736.7541405
Have you ever seen those videos flows like blind, silent retreats.
530
00:33:24,156.7541405 --> 00:33:26,466.7541405
And they take the blind pulled off and like they're squinting.
531
00:33:26,526.7541405 --> 00:33:30,516.7541405
Because their eyes are so sensitive and then just crying, looking at nature and.
532
00:33:31,866.7541405 --> 00:33:32,736.7541405
Oh, my gosh.
533
00:33:33,546.7541405 --> 00:33:35,916.7541405
It scares me, but it seems really important.
534
00:33:36,396.7541405 --> 00:33:37,86.7541405
Maybe one day.
535
00:33:38,796.7541405 --> 00:33:39,186.7541405
Anyway.
536
00:33:43,386.7541405 --> 00:33:44,676.7541405
Yeah, that also reminds me.
537
00:33:45,276.7541405 --> 00:33:48,66.7541405
Of how, like my enthusiasm for this card deck.
538
00:33:48,336.7541405 --> 00:33:50,856.7541405
I've always had a really strong desire to.
539
00:33:51,336.7541405 --> 00:34:02,226.7541405
Um, create like book covers or album covers, um, like listen to songs or read stories and then like, feel into what does that look like and create from that space.
540
00:34:02,256.7541405 --> 00:34:03,816.7541405
Like, you're really like that responding.
541
00:34:04,386.7541405 --> 00:34:07,146.7541405
Um, So.
542
00:34:08,706.7541405 --> 00:34:10,446.7541405
Yeah, maybe I'll lean into more of that.
543
00:34:13,746.7541405 --> 00:34:13,956.7541405
Hmm.
544
00:34:16,56.7541405 --> 00:34:17,196.7541405
You heard it here first.
545
00:34:19,626.7541405 --> 00:34:19,956.7541405
Okay.
546
00:34:19,986.7541405 --> 00:34:20,316.7541405
Okay.
547
00:34:20,706.7541405 --> 00:34:21,36.7541405
I'm done.
548
00:34:21,36.7541405 --> 00:34:21,876.7541405
I'm done with my rambling.
549
00:34:21,876.7541405 --> 00:34:23,286.7541405
I hear a stampede upstairs.
550
00:34:23,286.7541405 --> 00:34:24,336.7541405
I don't know if you hear that or not.
551
00:34:24,336.7541405 --> 00:34:25,536.7541405
I apologize if you do.
552
00:34:26,46.7541405 --> 00:34:28,656.7541405
Um, they seem to be playing above my head.
553
00:34:29,286.7541405 --> 00:34:31,506.7541405
Um, Okay.
554
00:34:31,626.7541405 --> 00:34:34,746.7541405
I hope that you have a glorious rest of your day.
555
00:34:35,886.7541405 --> 00:34:37,896.7541405
I hope that whatever came to mind.
556
00:34:38,916.7541405 --> 00:34:43,596.7541405
It's something that you can channel that energy and spread it to other parts of your life.
557
00:34:43,626.7541405 --> 00:34:45,546.7541405
I hope, you know, if, and if.
558
00:34:46,176.7541405 --> 00:34:50,166.7541405
Nothing came to mind if you're really struggling and you're like, shit.
559
00:34:50,796.7541405 --> 00:34:52,596.7541405
I don't even know.
560
00:34:55,26.7541405 --> 00:34:55,896.7541405
That's okay.
561
00:34:57,96.7541405 --> 00:34:58,446.7541405
Like that's information too.
562
00:34:59,196.7541405 --> 00:35:01,206.7541405
It can neutralize that and you can think.
563
00:35:02,166.7541405 --> 00:35:02,586.7541405
Huh.
564
00:35:04,416.7541405 --> 00:35:06,336.7541405
How does it make me feel that I couldn't think of something.
565
00:35:06,876.7541405 --> 00:35:09,366.7541405
Oh, that makes me sad or pissed off or whatever.
566
00:35:09,726.7541405 --> 00:35:16,476.7541405
And just arrive at that and be with and be like, okay, and now your census will be heightened to recognize the next time you do feel like that.
567
00:35:16,806.7541405 --> 00:35:19,776.7541405
The next time you do feel that like, Very clear.
568
00:35:19,776.7541405 --> 00:35:20,436.7541405
Yes.
569
00:35:20,976.7541405 --> 00:35:26,46.7541405
And he gave me like, oh yeah, that question that was asked of me yesterday or last week, like.
570
00:35:27,186.7541405 --> 00:35:29,256.7541405
This is that okay, here it is.
571
00:35:30,66.7541405 --> 00:35:36,516.7541405
Instead of furrowing your brow and being like, what is it? Okay.
572
00:35:36,516.7541405 --> 00:35:36,846.7541405
Okay.
573
00:35:36,846.7541405 --> 00:35:38,946.7541405
Sending so much love and I will catch you next time.
574
00:35:39,336.7541405 --> 00:35:39,486.7541405
Okay.
575
00:35:40,805.756408 --> 00:35:44,25.756408
This has been an Awkward Sage Production.
00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:06,140
And the quote says.
2
00:00:07,010 --> 00:00:09,619.9999999999
Frank was standing there, says Elaine de Kooning.
3
00:00:10,310 --> 00:00:12,920
First I painted the whole structure of his face.
4
00:00:13,550 --> 00:00:15,230
Then I wiped out the face.
5
00:00:15,710 --> 00:00:17,180
And when the face was gone.
6
00:00:17,630 --> 00:00:20,090
It was more Frank than when the face was there.
7
00:00:22,490 --> 00:00:23,270
Hm.
8
00:00:25,660 --> 00:00:27,670
I painted the whole thing.
9
00:00:27,940 --> 00:00:28,270
Right.
10
00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:28,930
I.
11
00:00:29,770 --> 00:00:31,480
Putting all that effort.
12
00:00:31,810 --> 00:00:32,950
I studied it.
13
00:00:33,310 --> 00:00:35,050
I translated it.
14
00:00:36,070 --> 00:00:41,110
And then when I wiped it away, It was more true than when it was there.
15
00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:46,710
That's kind of how I feel like in life right now.
16
00:00:48,030 --> 00:00:49,350
I've worked so hard.
17
00:00:49,530 --> 00:00:52,080
I've done so much.
18
00:00:53,970 --> 00:00:55,140
And wiping it away.
19
00:00:55,140 --> 00:00:55,860
Feels like.
20
00:00:57,600 --> 00:00:58,800
The most honest thing I can do.
21
00:01:02,352.423074701 --> 00:01:06,332.423074701
Help Me See is a podcast dedicated to the art of seeing.
22
00:01:06,972.423074701 --> 00:01:13,662.423074701
It's a space for the restless visionary with an insatiable desire to create the life and work you're meant for.
23
00:01:14,637.423074701 --> 00:01:23,757.423074701
My name is Bianca Lea Mora, and I'm a photographic artist, a mother, and a coach who's transformed my fear of loss into power, art, and philosophy.
24
00:01:24,27.423074701 --> 00:01:37,187.423074701
One of the scariest quotes I never want to say is, I wish I knew at the time, but I truly believe that we have the innate ability to bring our wise 2020 hindsight to our now.
25
00:01:38,87.423074701 --> 00:01:45,327.4220747
You can deeply experience your nostalgia now, while it's actually happening, with no regrets.
26
00:01:46,427.4230747 --> 00:01:47,757.4230747
All you have to do is see.
27
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In this show, we laugh, we cry, we get inspired, we overshare, we have life changing conversations around making meaning, self discovery, and shedding all the BS layers in order to reconnect to our own sacred vision.
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Seeing yourself is an essential key to living powerfully.
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You are the vessel, the lens that filters absolutely everything in your life.
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What are you filtering for? Whether it be conversations with fellow artists and visionaries, or my solo audio journal style introspective ramblings, each episode is meant to feel like an exhale, an unraveling of truth, a moment for you to be able to put your finger on something that you haven't been able to for far too long.
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Come exactly as you are.
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It's perfect.
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Honor your instincts.
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Let's uncover some of the most important things in our lives which all too often can slip out from our view.
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Let's commit to seeing and consciously creating what only you can in your one and only life.
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Let's dive in.
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Hello.
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Hello, and welcome to another episode of helping me see.
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Today.
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Aye.
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I am coming to you.
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To talk through.
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Me trying to figure out what the fuck my problem is.
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With.
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This obsession.
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I feel like I'm having.
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Indeed in remembering.
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What I'm leaving doing right now.
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You're like I'm wasn't this episode last week.
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No.
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Different crisis.
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Um, no, I was a.
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I was submitting.
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Um, some pictures to an open call and.
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I found myself going to, um, see past entrance and like the work of, uh, you know, some of the jurors.
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And then I was like, But what am I doing that for? Like what? Like, yeah, I guess it's smart ish perhaps, maybe.
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But also, why am I doing that? You know, it's like that.
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And if you're.
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Wanting your work too.
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You know, get you.
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Uh, certain work assimilating to what already exists.
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Doesn't make sense.
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It's like trying to be more like what's already abundantly available.
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It just makes you.
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You know, a smaller fish in that pond.
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Like the only thing that's going to set you apart is.
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Really deepening into you specifically putting those horse blinders on and being like, but what is it that I truly give a fuck about? Not what is interesting visually not.
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Um, You know what some, you know, Trending.
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Theme of sorts, but.
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What do I really, really care about? And how do I.
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First of all, how do I be in that before you worry about creating, how do I be in that? And I don't mean like, how do I diagnose that or figure it out because so often, I mean, I'm sure you know, that you create, you take pictures, you write.
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To find out what you think to be in it.
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Um, to honor it, to acknowledge it, to process it.
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So many ways, but.
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As I was looking at the pictures, I found myself thinking.
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Hmm.
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If this one even got selected.
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What would I.
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Feel about that? What are the ones that would really.
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Make me feel if this one got selected.
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Versus that one.
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And the greater conversation we're having right now, of course, is that about how we're living our lives? And it's just so hard.
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To untangle from.
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All of the established.
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Guidelines and examples.
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That we are engulfed and surrounded by.
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Models of how people tend to live their lives models of how to work like this, how to be like that, how to.
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Parent your kids, how to, I don't know.
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Just all of it.
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Let me read you this.
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Um, so I have started another book on.
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Embodiment.
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I have started yet another book.
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Um, Hold on.
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Let me see what it's called.
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I haven't finished this book that I'm obsessed with a primer for forgetting it.
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I've um, hold on.
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Where's the book.
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What is it called? Um, I don't know.
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Oh, oh, awake where you are by Martin.
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Al word.
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Aylward the art of embodied awareness.
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And it says all that we should, this was like a quote from Tara Brock.
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All that we cherish love, creativity, wisdom, and the liveliness becomes available when we are fully grounded in our bodies.
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Martin offers timeless practices that lead us home.
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Okay.
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So.
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I'm reading that book.
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And as I'm reading that book, I'm thinking.
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That's already oxymoronic.
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I'm thinking it's all about getting out of your head, but, um, Wow.
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I've attached so much.
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Meaning.
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And so much, I have so much dependence on my photographic practice.
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To reveal to me how I.
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And what I think and feel.
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That.
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I feel.
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Not only lost without it, but.
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Hm.
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Uh, it's like, uh, a gap of identity.
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And.
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I'm also not someone that forces myself to photograph when I don't feel like it at all.
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I'll go a long time without picking up the camera.
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Um, I mean, not my cell phone camera.
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I take pictures all the time with that too, but I'm not in any sort of.
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In a very like sketchbook way in a very, um, like journal writing morning pages way.
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Um, which I find to be extraordinarily helpful.
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Um, But I think that working in that way, although a lot of it has.
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Core ties to honoring in instinctual.
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Impulse that I feel within me.
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I still quickly.
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Bring it up and out.
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Like up into my head and out into what's in front of me.
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And yes, like as I'm actually in the work of pressing that fucking button, like looking through the whole, taking the picture.
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Um, It's a very visceral, like I'm feeling, I'm not planning, I'm not overly strategizing or anything like that.
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I'm just being with it in presence, in flow and whatever.
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But.
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I don't know.
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That.
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I spend enough time.
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Like in embodiment.
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In life in general, like all across the board.
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And I'm curious.
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If.
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You as a maker of whatever sort.
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Whatever that is.
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Whether it's a photography painting, writing.
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Uh, homemaking, like literally.
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Anything is an art.
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When you treat it.
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So when you feel it, so.
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So, whatever that is for you, whatever comes to mind.
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Are you.
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Leaning on that in the way of like you're, depending on that.
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Too.
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Give you answers.
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And I don't know I'm saying this, I really kind of mean this neutrally.
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I'm not saying that this is bad.
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But it's information, right? It's.
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And it's also if we're, if, if we can bring ourselves to admit that like, Hmm.
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Yeah, I'm putting, I'm putting this responsibility of sorts on my craft, on my art, on my.
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Whatever you're inherently welcoming in.
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Um, Insidiously the dependency of, uh, or the responsibility of the, the, the, sorry, you're welcoming in so many external factors because your craft is something that is like put out into the world, whether or not you're like literally putting it out to be.
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Jury or whatever, um, you know, submitting it or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
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Even if it's a private thing.
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Once it's outside of you and it's in the world.
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There's so many other factors.
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That come into play.
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And.
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I'm just wanting to note that.
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Like as personal as I feel like my practice is, I also.
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I'm finding myself.
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Very Spacey and scattered and like feeling.
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Differently in.
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I don't know, like the other day.
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I was editing pictures.
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I took on vacation and I felt like sick to my stomach.
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Not in a like, oh, I don't want to be doing this way, but in a.
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Like that aching.
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Nostalgic way.
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And.
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I don't know that I'm supposed to do anything with that information, but I just thought, huh? Like this is some serious feelings that I'm feeling about this.
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And.
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Yeah, it was, and it was one of those days where nothing I was doing felt.
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Like right in terms of editing.
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And I love editing for this reason.
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Cause it.
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Forces this.
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Um, Coming to meet the work in a space that like.
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I already feel in my body and in my eyes.
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That it is, and I can't rest until it's like, I've made it look the way it feels inside of me.
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And it's been really hard for me.
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And.
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Um, you know, I'm in this position where I feel like I'm my style.
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Is changing a little bit, but I'm not quite sure how or why or what, but, um, so it's kind of like growing pains in that area, but anyway, So I'm sharing all this because.
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I want you to know that if you are in a similar space, It is not a bad thing.
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It can be very unsettling and uncomfortable.
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I mean, no matter how many years into a practice you are.
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I feel like we know rationally that this beginner's mind and this being opened and.
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Curious and available for growth and change.
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And transformation is like the best thing we can do for ourselves and for the work.
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And also when you're this deep in and you're coming to.
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Into that spot.
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It's like, what the fuck? What am I even doing? Who am I? What am I.
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Um, Anyway.
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00:14:02,505.75640803 --> 00:14:04,755.75640803
So I opened to a page before I started recording.
208
00:14:05,625.75640803 --> 00:14:11,955.75640803
And I, um, from this book that I haven't read in a little bit now, And it is a.
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00:14:12,465.75640803 --> 00:14:13,5.75640803
Painting.
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00:14:13,695.75640803 --> 00:14:15,15.75640803
By Elena cocooning.
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Uh, Franco Hora or O'Hara.
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I forget, I don't know.
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00:14:20,805.75640803 --> 00:14:23,415.75640803
And it's from the museum of forgetting gallery of erasers.
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And the quote says.
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Frank was standing there, says Elaine de Kooning.
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First I painted the whole structure of his face.
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Then I wiped out the face.
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And when the face was gone.
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It was more Frank than when the face was there.
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Hm.
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I painted the whole thing.
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Right.
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00:14:49,755.75640803 --> 00:14:50,85.75640803
I.
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Putting all that effort.
225
00:14:52,965.75640803 --> 00:14:54,105.75640803
I studied it.
226
00:14:54,465.75640803 --> 00:14:56,205.75640803
I translated it.
227
00:14:57,225.75640803 --> 00:15:02,265.75640803
And then when I wiped it away, It was more true than when it was there.
228
00:15:08,115.75640803 --> 00:15:10,65.75640803
That's kind of how I feel like in life right now.
229
00:15:11,385.75640803 --> 00:15:12,705.75640803
I've worked so hard.
230
00:15:12,885.75640803 --> 00:15:15,435.75640803
I've done so much.
231
00:15:17,325.75640803 --> 00:15:18,495.75640803
And wiping it away.
232
00:15:18,495.75640803 --> 00:15:19,215.75640803
Feels like.
233
00:15:20,955.75640803 --> 00:15:22,155.75640803
The most honest thing I can do.
234
00:15:24,45.75640803 --> 00:15:25,155.75640803
Hi, you're good.
235
00:15:25,155.75640803 --> 00:15:25,665.75640803
What's up.
236
00:15:28,335.75640803 --> 00:15:28,935.75640803
What's that.
237
00:15:32,655.75640803 --> 00:15:33,465.75640803
It's okay, buddy.
238
00:15:35,635.75640803 --> 00:15:36,25.75640803
Okay.
239
00:15:36,85.75640803 --> 00:15:37,315.75640803
So I just.
240
00:15:39,175.75640803 --> 00:15:40,645.75640803
Had my kids call me for a second.
241
00:15:40,645.75640803 --> 00:15:46,45.75640803
I have for the first time ever today's day two, um, again, neighbor.
242
00:15:46,315.75640803 --> 00:15:49,555.75640803
Um, that's kind of helping kind of babysit and play with them.
243
00:15:50,515.75640803 --> 00:15:51,805.75640803
Both of us are still here.
244
00:15:52,225.75640803 --> 00:15:54,205.75640803
Um, their dad and I are still here.
245
00:15:54,295.75640803 --> 00:15:58,225.75640803
Um, it's from like 10 to two, uh, three days a week.
246
00:15:58,795.75640803 --> 00:16:01,405.75640803
And, um, so it's really, really nice.
247
00:16:01,405.75640803 --> 00:16:02,95.75640803
And I'm still.
248
00:16:02,995.75640803 --> 00:16:07,15.75640803
This is only day two and I've been up and down a million times, but it's still a massive help.
249
00:16:08,215.75640803 --> 00:16:10,945.75640803
But also really hard, cause I was like, so in the zone just now.
250
00:16:11,65.75640803 --> 00:16:12,535.75640803
Talking in my basement.
251
00:16:12,925.75640803 --> 00:16:17,815.75640803
And then I had to go upstairs and like help and like in the sun, outside with all the toys and I'm like, wow.
252
00:16:17,845.75640803 --> 00:16:19,825.75640803
I feel like I live in like two different universes.
253
00:16:22,435.75640803 --> 00:16:22,855.75640803
Anyway.
254
00:16:24,565.75640803 --> 00:16:28,345.75640803
So, what are we saying about wiping.
255
00:16:28,825.75640803 --> 00:16:36,565.75640803
Wiping it clean is like, I feel like so much of.
256
00:16:37,285.75640803 --> 00:16:41,515.756408
Life after a layoff, like there's so many chapter points.
257
00:16:42,85.756408 --> 00:16:47,245.756408
It's like, um, I would say going to school.
258
00:16:47,245.756408 --> 00:16:51,535.756408
He has a few chapters, I would say then graduating college.
259
00:16:52,555.756408 --> 00:16:53,635.756408
First job.
260
00:16:54,655.756408 --> 00:16:56,185.756408
Um, having a baby.
261
00:16:56,395.756408 --> 00:16:57,295.756408
Definitely.
262
00:16:57,925.756408 --> 00:17:03,565.756408
Um, Actually having a dog verse, that changed me a lot.
263
00:17:03,685.756408 --> 00:17:05,605.756408
Um, and then having a baby.
264
00:17:06,865.756408 --> 00:17:07,495.756408
And then.
265
00:17:08,725.756408 --> 00:17:10,645.756408
Leaving full-time employment.
266
00:17:11,5.756408 --> 00:17:14,935.756408
Specifically has been like the hardest, I would say.
267
00:17:15,475.756408 --> 00:17:16,615.756408
Um, It.
268
00:17:17,155.756408 --> 00:17:18,415.756408
Well, actually, that's not true.
269
00:17:18,565.756408 --> 00:17:22,885.756408
Nah, not harder than my postpartum depression, anxiety.
270
00:17:24,445.756408 --> 00:17:27,685.756408
Um, I'd say it is.
271
00:17:28,15.756408 --> 00:17:30,745.756408
Definitely been the most.
272
00:17:31,465.756408 --> 00:17:33,145.756408
Earth shattering to.
273
00:17:33,895.756408 --> 00:17:36,115.756408
The greater scope of.
274
00:17:36,595.756408 --> 00:17:39,205.756408
Like foundational living as I knew it.
275
00:17:39,235.756408 --> 00:17:44,935.756408
And as I metabolized it and like really understanding the depths in which I was.
276
00:17:45,595.756408 --> 00:17:48,895.756408
Basing my value and my life experiences off of.
277
00:17:49,855.756408 --> 00:17:50,995.756408
And my time.
278
00:17:51,325.756408 --> 00:17:56,365.756408
My time on this planet and my finances and my expectations and my whatever.
279
00:17:56,755.756408 --> 00:17:57,805.756408
Based off of.
280
00:17:59,65.756408 --> 00:18:00,505.756408
All of these constructs.
281
00:18:00,985.756408 --> 00:18:06,355.756408
Uh, And witnessing and feeling how it has spelled to have to.
282
00:18:07,15.756408 --> 00:18:10,705.756408
Decide something different and not having an example.
283
00:18:11,125.756408 --> 00:18:17,245.756408
Um, Has been hard because inherently we're searching for other examples, we're searching for.
284
00:18:17,755.756408 --> 00:18:20,65.756408
Uh, things that we resonate with.
285
00:18:20,95.756408 --> 00:18:26,605.756408
And I think that it in with my best intentions and the best intentions of others.
286
00:18:27,865.756408 --> 00:18:30,625.756408
I feel like I've seen too much now.
287
00:18:31,405.756408 --> 00:18:35,665.756408
And it's just all too much and I need to I've like drink it in like drinking the.
288
00:18:36,265.756408 --> 00:18:38,215.756408
Information and I love it.
289
00:18:38,245.756408 --> 00:18:41,395.756408
And you know, I would go to school my whole life.
290
00:18:41,455.756408 --> 00:18:42,475.756408
If I could.
291
00:18:42,475.756408 --> 00:18:42,655.756408
And.
292
00:18:43,675.756408 --> 00:18:50,905.756408
All of that, but it very much feels like a time of like shutting down, like closing out the outside influences and going.
293
00:18:51,385.756408 --> 00:18:58,405.756408
Inside and really sensing and feeling what feels good because I've, I've hit a wall cognitively.
294
00:18:58,705.756408 --> 00:19:03,565.756408
I'm like, I can't figure this out ahead of experiencing it.
295
00:19:04,45.756408 --> 00:19:05,485.756408
Um, and it makes perfect sense.
296
00:19:05,515.756408 --> 00:19:06,235.756408
It's the same way.
297
00:19:06,235.756408 --> 00:19:10,375.756408
If I'm going into a, um, photo session, I cannot plan.
298
00:19:10,405.756408 --> 00:19:12,175.756408
I can not figure out.
299
00:19:12,655.756408 --> 00:19:16,225.756408
The pictures I'm going to take before being there and feeling there.
300
00:19:16,615.756408 --> 00:19:17,995.756408
And being in that.
301
00:19:18,325.756408 --> 00:19:22,255.756408
And, um, The most important part of any.
302
00:19:22,855.756408 --> 00:19:26,725.756408
Any work, any art, any, anything is.
303
00:19:30,85.756408 --> 00:19:36,925.756408
I don't know if succumbing is the word, it feels like a weird word to use, but like, To the moment, like just surrendering.
304
00:19:37,405.756408 --> 00:19:42,175.756408
Any preconceived notions, any thoughts? Any plans, any.
305
00:19:43,435.756408 --> 00:19:49,285.756408
Whatever, just like putting it all down and just being there and moving from that place of honesty and truth.
306
00:19:49,345.756408 --> 00:19:51,925.756408
And so that's what I'm doing right now with putting everything down.
307
00:19:52,975.756408 --> 00:19:59,95.756408
Um, But in, in regards to how that's manifesting in my work.
308
00:20:00,235.756408 --> 00:20:01,495.756408
My artwork.
309
00:20:03,85.756408 --> 00:20:07,285.756408
Um, It's it's uncomfortable.
310
00:20:07,315.756408 --> 00:20:16,795.756408
And I'm brought back to that familiar question of like, but what's the point? But what's the point, but why.
311
00:20:17,65.756408 --> 00:20:17,335.756408
Like.
312
00:20:18,25.756408 --> 00:20:20,995.756408
Even if I figure this out, but why.
313
00:20:22,195.756408 --> 00:20:31,46.7541405
What is the point? I think so much of it.
314
00:20:31,466.7541405 --> 00:20:32,576.7541405
Has to do with.
315
00:20:34,586.7541405 --> 00:20:38,606.7541405
Honestly feeling like I've arrived fully.
316
00:20:40,556.7541405 --> 00:20:43,196.7541405
In all aspects of my life and my work.
317
00:20:46,916.7541405 --> 00:20:49,196.7541405
Have I arrived fully.
318
00:20:50,216.7541405 --> 00:20:51,296.7541405
To my life.
319
00:20:51,536.7541405 --> 00:20:53,486.7541405
To myself, to this moment.
320
00:20:53,966.7541405 --> 00:21:02,96.7541405
Um, and not depending on my brain to construct a story that makes me feel okay about it.
321
00:21:02,486.7541405 --> 00:21:05,96.7541405
But like, Feeling in.
322
00:21:07,556.7541405 --> 00:21:09,56.7541405
Into my body in that way.
323
00:21:09,176.7541405 --> 00:21:11,246.7541405
And I don't really know what that means.
324
00:21:13,106.7541405 --> 00:21:15,146.7541405
I don't know what that means, but I know.
325
00:21:15,836.7541405 --> 00:21:16,736.7541405
I know.
326
00:21:18,866.7541405 --> 00:21:19,766.7541405
What I mean.
327
00:21:23,36.7541405 --> 00:21:30,836.7541405
Do you know what I mean? Oh, my gosh.
328
00:21:31,706.7541405 --> 00:21:32,126.7541405
No.
329
00:21:32,186.7541405 --> 00:21:32,876.7541405
It's like.
330
00:21:34,166.7541405 --> 00:21:35,336.7541405
You know, I think.
331
00:21:35,726.7541405 --> 00:21:36,956.7541405
This makes me okay.
332
00:21:37,16.7541405 --> 00:21:42,686.7541405
So this idea of like arriving fully, this is making me think of like those pictures that I took of my parents.
333
00:21:43,166.7541405 --> 00:21:49,526.7541405
I'm on vacation and some of them were like, So beautiful to me, but it's still, I was feeling like sick.
334
00:21:49,556.7541405 --> 00:21:50,396.7541405
Like, it just felt like.
335
00:21:51,626.7541405 --> 00:21:52,496.7541405
Sick about it.
336
00:21:52,496.7541405 --> 00:22:00,986.7541405
And it's like, I think I was like confronting myself with the images of like, was I fully there? Like I remember how I felt in that moment.
337
00:22:00,986.7541405 --> 00:22:01,736.7541405
And I remember.
338
00:22:02,246.7541405 --> 00:22:04,526.7541405
You know, obviously subconsciously I was.
339
00:22:05,456.7541405 --> 00:22:11,396.7541405
Stealing and like taking pictures and making the work as I always do, but it was also a really tough trip for me.
340
00:22:11,396.7541405 --> 00:22:12,956.7541405
There's a bunch of stuff that happened that.
341
00:22:13,526.7541405 --> 00:22:17,486.7541405
Really stressed me out and freed me in intense ways.
342
00:22:17,996.7541405 --> 00:22:21,596.7541405
And, um, I don't know.
343
00:22:21,596.7541405 --> 00:22:23,876.7541405
I look at those pictures I took and I see my whole life.
344
00:22:24,86.7541405 --> 00:22:25,946.7541405
I see my whole history.
345
00:22:26,906.7541405 --> 00:22:32,966.7541405
Uh, with them and like how they are a metaphor, the two of them in their opposites for like what's inside of me.
346
00:22:33,476.7541405 --> 00:22:35,36.7541405
And the pictures.
347
00:22:35,186.7541405 --> 00:22:38,66.7541405
Give me a second chance to arrive in that moment.
348
00:22:38,546.7541405 --> 00:22:40,766.7541405
And I think in that arrival, I fell.
349
00:22:41,756.7541405 --> 00:22:42,446.7541405
Like sick.
350
00:22:42,896.7541405 --> 00:22:45,896.7541405
In that arrival, I felt like overwhelmed.
351
00:22:46,496.7541405 --> 00:22:49,166.7541405
Um, And that's okay.
352
00:22:50,336.7541405 --> 00:22:51,536.7541405
And that's okay.
353
00:22:55,436.7541405 --> 00:23:00,446.7541405
You know, whether it's yoga or, um, a breathwork class or whatever it is.
354
00:23:00,956.7541405 --> 00:23:04,166.7541405
I'm always so grateful for the reminder that the teacher.
355
00:23:04,586.7541405 --> 00:23:11,936.7541405
Has to say, when they talk about noticing like something that hurts or a sore or is tight or.
356
00:23:13,106.7541405 --> 00:23:15,236.7541405
You know, something in your body, that's not feeling like.
357
00:23:17,306.7541405 --> 00:23:19,286.7541405
You know, pleasant.
358
00:23:20,36.7541405 --> 00:23:23,96.7541405
And how just notice it and stop.
359
00:23:23,276.7541405 --> 00:23:24,746.7541405
You don't have to fix it.
360
00:23:25,106.7541405 --> 00:23:25,886.7541405
Just notice it.
361
00:23:25,946.7541405 --> 00:23:28,46.7541405
And it's those moments where I'm like, wait, what.
362
00:23:29,126.7541405 --> 00:23:31,256.7541405
I don't have to do something about it.
363
00:23:31,256.7541405 --> 00:23:32,486.7541405
What? Just let it.
364
00:23:33,446.7541405 --> 00:23:35,936.7541405
Just see it in like, not action on it.
365
00:23:36,146.7541405 --> 00:23:36,596.7541405
What.
366
00:23:46,346.7541405 --> 00:23:47,366.7541405
And I think that.
367
00:23:48,986.7541405 --> 00:23:50,156.7541405
That is so huge.
368
00:23:50,186.7541405 --> 00:23:54,446.7541405
Not only in the moment, but like going forward in life because when we think about.
369
00:23:54,866.7541405 --> 00:24:07,436.7541405
How everything we see and uncover if we take everything as our personal responsibility as, uh, like our burden or our thing to figure out or whatever, and we pick up all of these things along the way.
370
00:24:07,436.7541405 --> 00:24:07,796.7541405
Okay.
371
00:24:08,6.7541405 --> 00:24:11,246.7541405
I can't address it now because I'm doing this, but I know it and I feel it.
372
00:24:11,246.7541405 --> 00:24:11,966.7541405
I'm going to remember this.
373
00:24:12,26.7541405 --> 00:24:13,886.7541405
And then, uh, I'm dog hearing it.
374
00:24:13,916.7541405 --> 00:24:14,576.7541405
I'll fix it up.
375
00:24:14,606.7541405 --> 00:24:15,86.7541405
Pick that up.
376
00:24:15,116.7541405 --> 00:24:15,716.7541405
I'll pick this up.
377
00:24:15,746.7541405 --> 00:24:16,376.7541405
I'll pick that up.
378
00:24:17,876.7541405 --> 00:24:19,106.7541405
Every single moment.
379
00:24:19,106.7541405 --> 00:24:25,406.7541405
Every step you take, you're carrying so much, so much more than it's even possible.
380
00:24:25,406.7541405 --> 00:24:26,486.7541405
So much more than.
381
00:24:29,126.7541405 --> 00:24:30,536.7541405
Then it's possible to even help.
382
00:24:30,866.7541405 --> 00:24:34,646.7541405
You be in the moment for the thing that's unrelated or the thing that's.
383
00:24:37,436.7541405 --> 00:24:41,876.7541405
It might otherwise be extremely helpful, but you're not able to really be with it.
384
00:24:46,16.7541405 --> 00:24:47,126.7541405
And again, this is.
385
00:24:48,716.7541405 --> 00:24:50,636.7541405
Really hard to.
386
00:24:52,316.7541405 --> 00:24:54,446.7541405
Acknowledge and be aware of.
387
00:24:56,96.7541405 --> 00:24:58,406.7541405
Unless we have either a mirror.
388
00:24:58,826.7541405 --> 00:25:02,636.7541405
Like, uh, a really amazing friend or coach.
389
00:25:03,356.7541405 --> 00:25:06,596.7541405
That is, you know, I had never reflecting back.
390
00:25:07,346.7541405 --> 00:25:13,496.7541405
Um, What we're saying? Or we utilize ourself.
391
00:25:14,96.7541405 --> 00:25:17,396.7541405
As that with our photographs or our practice or whatever were.
392
00:25:17,816.7541405 --> 00:25:21,176.7541405
We're making in our life to be able to.
393
00:25:22,286.7541405 --> 00:25:24,956.7541405
Kind of obstruct and bring yourself back and be like, Hmm.
394
00:25:27,146.7541405 --> 00:25:33,566.7541405
Let me look at this as if it wasn't me, let me take away all of those filters and those judgments and lenses that I use.
395
00:25:33,956.7541405 --> 00:25:36,446.7541405
When I know something has anything to do with me.
396
00:25:36,926.7541405 --> 00:25:38,186.7541405
And let me look at it now.
397
00:25:39,206.7541405 --> 00:25:39,776.7541405
In this way.
398
00:25:42,66.7541405 --> 00:25:43,776.7541405
And then there's the element of fun.
399
00:25:43,836.7541405 --> 00:25:45,96.7541405
You're like, no, I know it.
400
00:25:45,396.7541405 --> 00:25:46,416.7541405
I'm aware of it.
401
00:25:47,796.7541405 --> 00:25:48,696.7541405
I see it.
402
00:25:49,626.7541405 --> 00:25:51,276.7541405
And yet I'm not changing it.
403
00:25:51,996.7541405 --> 00:25:52,566.7541405
And that.
404
00:25:53,526.7541405 --> 00:25:54,846.7541405
That's the fucking worst.
405
00:26:00,516.7541405 --> 00:26:02,886.7541405
Because then you're mad at yourself in a deeper level.
406
00:26:02,916.7541405 --> 00:26:04,56.7541405
You're like, I know better.
407
00:26:04,926.7541405 --> 00:26:05,676.7541405
And I know better.
408
00:26:06,156.7541405 --> 00:26:06,876.7541405
And yet.
409
00:26:07,656.7541405 --> 00:26:08,766.7541405
I'm repeating this pattern.
410
00:26:09,486.7541405 --> 00:26:09,936.7541405
And.
411
00:26:11,766.7541405 --> 00:26:16,596.7541405
I think that magnifying glass just in the same way as a magnifying glass outside in the sun.
412
00:26:17,106.7541405 --> 00:26:17,766.7541405
The heat.
413
00:26:18,876.7541405 --> 00:26:24,306.7541405
We'll go into that thing and like burn that blade of grass or whatever it, that intensity.
414
00:26:25,746.7541405 --> 00:26:26,196.7541405
Of.
415
00:26:27,186.7541405 --> 00:26:32,496.7541405
Quote-unquote knowing better, but not being able to stop a habitual habit.
416
00:26:32,856.7541405 --> 00:26:35,946.7541405
Like that point of contention is so.
417
00:26:37,206.7541405 --> 00:26:38,166.7541405
Intense.
418
00:26:38,466.7541405 --> 00:26:41,466.7541405
And so taxing energetically that.
419
00:26:42,456.7541405 --> 00:26:43,716.7541405
Energetically physically.
420
00:26:44,286.7541405 --> 00:26:48,696.7541405
Um, That it really hinders our ability to actually do make a different choice.
421
00:26:48,936.7541405 --> 00:26:50,316.7541405
Because we don't have the energy.
422
00:26:50,616.7541405 --> 00:26:53,616.7541405
It takes a lot of energy to change a habit.
423
00:26:54,246.7541405 --> 00:26:58,416.7541405
Um, and it's not that it doesn't matter what the new habit is.
424
00:26:58,446.7541405 --> 00:26:58,626.7541405
Like.
425
00:26:58,626.7541405 --> 00:27:09,936.7541405
It could be something like the habit of, I want to, instead of working out relax, but you're so used to working out that like it's easier to work out than it is to relax and, or vice versa, whatever.
426
00:27:10,776.7541405 --> 00:27:14,466.7541405
Um, I just like being gentle and okay.
427
00:27:14,466.7541405 --> 00:27:15,66.7541405
With yourself with.
428
00:27:15,306.7541405 --> 00:27:19,206.7541405
Acknowledging like, as I've just been doing it like this for so long.
429
00:27:19,446.7541405 --> 00:27:24,366.7541405
And the absolute biggest thing I could ever possibly do for myself is just be aware of notice it.
430
00:27:25,806.7541405 --> 00:27:28,86.7541405
And when you're okay with that, when you let that be.
431
00:27:32,256.7541405 --> 00:27:36,666.7541405
I think in time, it becomes easier to shift out of that.
432
00:27:37,176.7541405 --> 00:27:38,706.7541405
'cause, you're not like white knuckling.
433
00:27:38,706.7541405 --> 00:27:40,56.7541405
You're not grinding your teeth.
434
00:27:41,196.7541405 --> 00:27:43,836.7541405
You're just inviting yourself in those micro moments.
435
00:27:44,376.7541405 --> 00:27:45,366.7541405
To like soften.
436
00:27:45,576.7541405 --> 00:27:45,966.7541405
Okay.
437
00:27:45,996.7541405 --> 00:27:46,326.7541405
See it.
438
00:27:47,406.7541405 --> 00:27:47,946.7541405
I see it.
439
00:27:48,126.7541405 --> 00:27:48,636.7541405
I see it.
440
00:27:48,846.7541405 --> 00:27:49,266.7541405
Okay.
441
00:27:53,586.7541405 --> 00:27:54,186.7541405
Okay.
442
00:27:54,726.7541405 --> 00:28:00,96.7541405
I have floundered through this conversation and gone on tangents and.
443
00:28:00,816.7541405 --> 00:28:03,516.7541405
Uh, I'll end with this, I'll end with this.
444
00:28:03,696.7541405 --> 00:28:05,466.7541405
So I have.
445
00:28:06,546.7541405 --> 00:28:07,416.7541405
Been.
446
00:28:08,46.7541405 --> 00:28:13,176.7541405
Really feeling very Spacey and frenetic and like, oh my gosh.
447
00:28:15,186.7541405 --> 00:28:16,86.7541405
And.
448
00:28:16,86.7541405 --> 00:28:20,406.7541405
I don't know if it's summer having both kids at home, having a lot of travel.
449
00:28:20,706.7541405 --> 00:28:21,366.7541405
This or that.
450
00:28:21,816.7541405 --> 00:28:27,66.7541405
Um, But it has been harder than normal to.
451
00:28:27,96.7541405 --> 00:28:29,856.7541405
I have the drive to engage in work.
452
00:28:29,856.7541405 --> 00:28:35,376.7541405
And I believe it's because I'm like uprooting in like searching for a new home for.
453
00:28:36,246.7541405 --> 00:28:39,276.7541405
My like foundational thoughts around what I'm doing.
454
00:28:41,526.7541405 --> 00:28:43,446.7541405
We're coming back to a remembrance of it, whatever.
455
00:28:43,536.7541405 --> 00:28:43,956.7541405
Anyway.
456
00:28:44,676.7541405 --> 00:28:45,486.7541405
Oh, my gosh.
457
00:28:45,516.7541405 --> 00:28:47,46.7541405
I'm so sick of my own brains.
458
00:28:50,436.7541405 --> 00:28:50,916.7541405
Are you using.
459
00:28:51,156.7541405 --> 00:28:51,516.7541405
It's like.
460
00:28:52,266.7541405 --> 00:28:55,56.7541405
Are you still there? I'm so sorry if you are.
461
00:28:58,296.7541405 --> 00:29:00,36.7541405
Um, But.
462
00:29:01,896.7541405 --> 00:29:04,266.7541405
I said I was listening to a Vox.
463
00:29:04,656.7541405 --> 00:29:10,146.7541405
From my friend and she, her and I are collaborating on an Oracle card deck.
464
00:29:10,296.7541405 --> 00:29:11,826.7541405
I love Oracle card decks.
465
00:29:11,856.7541405 --> 00:29:13,296.7541405
They're just so fun.
466
00:29:13,356.7541405 --> 00:29:15,606.7541405
And they just breathe this.
467
00:29:17,136.7541405 --> 00:29:19,716.7541405
Intentionality and resonance into your day.
468
00:29:19,716.7541405 --> 00:29:26,796.7541405
And, um, I have for a long time been, um, planning to make my own card deck around.
469
00:29:27,156.7541405 --> 00:29:28,206.7541405
My topic of choice.
470
00:29:28,206.7541405 --> 00:29:31,596.7541405
And, um, she has been wanting to do that as well.
471
00:29:31,596.7541405 --> 00:29:37,806.7541405
And I was like, oh, let's, you know, plan to have some sort of like creative day where we work together.
472
00:29:38,196.7541405 --> 00:29:39,996.7541405
Um, even though they're separate projects.
473
00:29:40,656.7541405 --> 00:29:44,256.7541405
Um, but then it came up that I was going to provide the visuals for her.
474
00:29:45,336.7541405 --> 00:29:48,36.7541405
And like once she starts.
475
00:29:49,956.7541405 --> 00:29:52,806.7541405
Writing down what the messages are and what the.
476
00:29:53,586.7541405 --> 00:30:05,346.7541405
The car titles are, then I can take that and feel into that and see, you know, what photographs I want to take and what, what would be my way of metabolizing that.
477
00:30:05,466.7541405 --> 00:30:05,796.7541405
And.
478
00:30:06,306.7541405 --> 00:30:09,936.7541405
She had left me a box saying, yeah, I thought that would be really cool.
479
00:30:09,936.7541405 --> 00:30:16,656.7541405
If all the I'll send you a few examples of what you're thinking, I'm thinking, and then you can send me a few examples of like your interpretation of it.
480
00:30:16,656.7541405 --> 00:30:18,276.7541405
And we can go back and forth a few times, but.
481
00:30:18,726.7541405 --> 00:30:22,536.7541405
She was like, I understand if you have too much going on right now and we don't have to do this.
482
00:30:22,626.7541405 --> 00:30:25,566.7541405
Um, You know, for a while or blah, blah, blah.
483
00:30:26,16.7541405 --> 00:30:27,966.7541405
But it was so clear in my body that I'm.
484
00:30:27,996.7541405 --> 00:30:29,166.7541405
I'm like, no.
485
00:30:29,466.7541405 --> 00:30:32,436.7541405
No, this is the, the, uh, clear guests.
486
00:30:32,646.7541405 --> 00:30:33,576.7541405
It's like, oh my gosh.
487
00:30:34,206.7541405 --> 00:30:34,986.7541405
There's just nothing.
488
00:30:35,16.7541405 --> 00:30:36,396.7541405
There's nothing to overthink.
489
00:30:36,426.7541405 --> 00:30:36,846.7541405
There's nothing.
490
00:30:36,876.7541405 --> 00:30:38,286.7541405
It's just feel just.
491
00:30:38,826.7541405 --> 00:30:40,746.7541405
Oh, she's going to bring me a message.
492
00:30:40,776.7541405 --> 00:30:41,466.7541405
I'm going to read it.
493
00:30:41,466.7541405 --> 00:30:43,656.7541405
And I'm going to just go from there.
494
00:30:44,166.7541405 --> 00:30:45,66.7541405
And I'm like, oh no.
495
00:30:45,66.7541405 --> 00:30:45,276.7541405
Yeah.
496
00:30:45,306.7541405 --> 00:30:48,336.7541405
All the things going on in life, I'm like, this is a clear, yes.
497
00:30:48,516.7541405 --> 00:30:51,576.7541405
I'm happy to work on it and make time for it and blah, blah, blah.
498
00:30:52,326.7541405 --> 00:30:54,216.7541405
And then I thought to myself, why.
499
00:30:55,356.7541405 --> 00:30:57,696.7541405
Can I just treat my whole fucking life.
500
00:30:57,696.7541405 --> 00:30:58,866.7541405
Like Oracle deck then.
501
00:30:59,256.7541405 --> 00:31:00,216.7541405
Then this assignment.
502
00:31:00,636.7541405 --> 00:31:09,606.7541405
Then this like, Exactly what is making me excited and like very clear about yes.
503
00:31:11,526.7541405 --> 00:31:13,296.7541405
Can we not treat our whole lives like that.
504
00:31:15,426.7541405 --> 00:31:15,816.7541405
Just.
505
00:31:16,746.7541405 --> 00:31:21,576.7541405
Meet what is presented to you? Feel into it and move from there.
506
00:31:24,306.7541405 --> 00:31:26,856.7541405
Easier said than done, easier said than lived.
507
00:31:27,726.7541405 --> 00:31:28,596.7541405
And also.
508
00:31:30,336.7541405 --> 00:31:30,996.7541405
Is it.
509
00:31:31,536.7541405 --> 00:31:32,796.7541405
Must it be.
510
00:31:44,796.7541405 --> 00:31:47,496.7541405
What in your life right now is a clear.
511
00:31:47,856.7541405 --> 00:31:48,516.7541405
Yes.
512
00:31:49,206.7541405 --> 00:31:52,416.7541405
Not burdened with responsibility and.
513
00:31:54,96.7541405 --> 00:31:58,296.7541405
And expectation and performance and.
514
00:31:58,776.7541405 --> 00:32:03,156.7541405
Um, concern for judgments and thoughts and insecurity.
515
00:32:03,156.7541405 --> 00:32:06,636.7541405
What in your life just jumps out at you as yes.
516
00:32:06,696.7541405 --> 00:32:08,286.7541405
Just clean fun.
517
00:32:08,286.7541405 --> 00:32:08,946.7541405
Yes.
518
00:32:08,946.7541405 --> 00:32:09,666.7541405
Like, Ugh.
519
00:32:10,746.7541405 --> 00:32:12,36.7541405
Yes, this is life.
520
00:32:12,66.7541405 --> 00:32:13,236.7541405
This is what life's about.
521
00:32:13,326.7541405 --> 00:32:19,956.7541405
This is where I feel energized and embodied and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, whatever it is, whatever comes to your mind.
522
00:32:22,836.7541405 --> 00:32:29,466.7541405
How can that be your whole life? And it doesn't have to be like, how can you turn that into a business or a.
523
00:32:30,96.7541405 --> 00:32:32,466.7541405
But like really sit with that.
524
00:32:32,526.7541405 --> 00:32:38,736.7541405
And it's like, if there's something so true and so clear and so honest and so inspiring, and so right for you.
525
00:32:39,216.7541405 --> 00:32:48,636.7541405
What business do you have not making that your whole life? Like that sentiment or that approach or that, however you come into contact with that, however you arrive in that.
526
00:32:52,86.7541405 --> 00:33:16,176.7541405
How can that reverberate, how can that expand to your whole life? Sometimes it feels like we all need to go into like a silent retreat blindfolded for like, Seven days and then come out into the world, a new, like, free from all of.
527
00:33:16,956.7541405 --> 00:33:18,36.7541405
The stuff.
528
00:33:18,456.7541405 --> 00:33:19,536.7541405
All of the noise.
529
00:33:20,16.7541405 --> 00:33:23,736.7541405
Have you ever seen those videos flows like blind, silent retreats.
530
00:33:24,156.7541405 --> 00:33:26,466.7541405
And they take the blind pulled off and like they're squinting.
531
00:33:26,526.7541405 --> 00:33:30,516.7541405
Because their eyes are so sensitive and then just crying, looking at nature and.
532
00:33:31,866.7541405 --> 00:33:32,736.7541405
Oh, my gosh.
533
00:33:33,546.7541405 --> 00:33:35,916.7541405
It scares me, but it seems really important.
534
00:33:36,396.7541405 --> 00:33:37,86.7541405
Maybe one day.
535
00:33:38,796.7541405 --> 00:33:39,186.7541405
Anyway.
536
00:33:43,386.7541405 --> 00:33:44,676.7541405
Yeah, that also reminds me.
537
00:33:45,276.7541405 --> 00:33:48,66.7541405
Of how, like my enthusiasm for this card deck.
538
00:33:48,336.7541405 --> 00:33:50,856.7541405
I've always had a really strong desire to.
539
00:33:51,336.7541405 --> 00:34:02,226.7541405
Um, create like book covers or album covers, um, like listen to songs or read stories and then like, feel into what does that look like and create from that space.
540
00:34:02,256.7541405 --> 00:34:03,816.7541405
Like, you're really like that responding.
541
00:34:04,386.7541405 --> 00:34:07,146.7541405
Um, So.
542
00:34:08,706.7541405 --> 00:34:10,446.7541405
Yeah, maybe I'll lean into more of that.
543
00:34:13,746.7541405 --> 00:34:13,956.7541405
Hmm.
544
00:34:16,56.7541405 --> 00:34:17,196.7541405
You heard it here first.
545
00:34:19,626.7541405 --> 00:34:19,956.7541405
Okay.
546
00:34:19,986.7541405 --> 00:34:20,316.7541405
Okay.
547
00:34:20,706.7541405 --> 00:34:21,36.7541405
I'm done.
548
00:34:21,36.7541405 --> 00:34:21,876.7541405
I'm done with my rambling.
549
00:34:21,876.7541405 --> 00:34:23,286.7541405
I hear a stampede upstairs.
550
00:34:23,286.7541405 --> 00:34:24,336.7541405
I don't know if you hear that or not.
551
00:34:24,336.7541405 --> 00:34:25,536.7541405
I apologize if you do.
552
00:34:26,46.7541405 --> 00:34:28,656.7541405
Um, they seem to be playing above my head.
553
00:34:29,286.7541405 --> 00:34:31,506.7541405
Um, Okay.
554
00:34:31,626.7541405 --> 00:34:34,746.7541405
I hope that you have a glorious rest of your day.
555
00:34:35,886.7541405 --> 00:34:37,896.7541405
I hope that whatever came to mind.
556
00:34:38,916.7541405 --> 00:34:43,596.7541405
It's something that you can channel that energy and spread it to other parts of your life.
557
00:34:43,626.7541405 --> 00:34:45,546.7541405
I hope, you know, if, and if.
558
00:34:46,176.7541405 --> 00:34:50,166.7541405
Nothing came to mind if you're really struggling and you're like, shit.
559
00:34:50,796.7541405 --> 00:34:52,596.7541405
I don't even know.
560
00:34:55,26.7541405 --> 00:34:55,896.7541405
That's okay.
561
00:34:57,96.7541405 --> 00:34:58,446.7541405
Like that's information too.
562
00:34:59,196.7541405 --> 00:35:01,206.7541405
It can neutralize that and you can think.
563
00:35:02,166.7541405 --> 00:35:02,586.7541405
Huh.
564
00:35:04,416.7541405 --> 00:35:06,336.7541405
How does it make me feel that I couldn't think of something.
565
00:35:06,876.7541405 --> 00:35:09,366.7541405
Oh, that makes me sad or pissed off or whatever.
566
00:35:09,726.7541405 --> 00:35:16,476.7541405
And just arrive at that and be with and be like, okay, and now your census will be heightened to recognize the next time you do feel like that.
567
00:35:16,806.7541405 --> 00:35:19,776.7541405
The next time you do feel that like, Very clear.
568
00:35:19,776.7541405 --> 00:35:20,436.7541405
Yes.
569
00:35:20,976.7541405 --> 00:35:26,46.7541405
And he gave me like, oh yeah, that question that was asked of me yesterday or last week, like.
570
00:35:27,186.7541405 --> 00:35:29,256.7541405
This is that okay, here it is.
571
00:35:30,66.7541405 --> 00:35:36,516.7541405
Instead of furrowing your brow and being like, what is it? Okay.
572
00:35:36,516.7541405 --> 00:35:36,846.7541405
Okay.
573
00:35:36,846.7541405 --> 00:35:38,946.7541405
Sending so much love and I will catch you next time.
574
00:35:39,336.7541405 --> 00:35:39,486.7541405
Okay.
575
00:35:40,805.756408 --> 00:35:44,25.756408
This has been an Awkward Sage Production.
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