Exploring Choice Even When Nothing is Wrong w/Sarah Marie Bilger

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I didn't know what to do and I froze my water broke first That was the first sign of labor and in my class that I took they said oh It's not gonna happen that way your water will break way later into pregnancy And so my like Type A personality and my perfectionism and, and all of these things that it was like, very rigid.

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Like, you know, I was good at taking tests and like good at passing things and like, and all of a sudden it was like, this isn't the way it's supposed to be.

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Like, I vividly remember saying this isn't how it's supposed to be.

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This isn't how it's supposed to be.

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And I couldn't get out of that.

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I was just stuck in this, you know, loop mentally that I just kept on.

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I didn't know what to do.

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I didn't know how to snap out of it.

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I just kept on like thinking this isn't what I want.

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This isn't, what's supposed to happen.

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I prepared myself for this.

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This is happening.

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Yeah.

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And here and like, and I mean, it's a very scary place to be in life, in birth, in any situation.

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Help Me See is a podcast dedicated to the art of seeing.

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It's a space for the restless visionary with an insatiable desire to create the life and work you're meant for.

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My name is Bianca Lea Mora, and I'm a photographic artist, a mother, and a coach who's transformed my fear of loss into power, art, and philosophy.

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One of the scariest quotes I never want to say is, I wish I knew at the time, but I truly believe that we have the innate ability to bring our wise 2020 hindsight to our now.

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You can deeply experience your nostalgia now, while it's actually happening, with no regrets.

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All you have to do is see.

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In this show, we laugh, we cry, we get inspired, we overshare, we have life changing conversations around making meaning, self discovery, and shedding all the BS layers in order to reconnect to our own sacred vision.

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Seeing yourself is an essential key to living powerfully.

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You are the vessel, the lens that filters absolutely everything in your life.

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What are you filtering for? Whether it be conversations with fellow artists and visionaries, or my solo audio journal style introspective ramblings, each episode is meant to feel like an exhale, an unraveling of truth, a moment for you to be able to put your finger on something that you haven't been able to for far too long.

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Come exactly as you are.

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It's perfect.

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Honor your instincts.

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Let's uncover some of the most important things in our lives which all too often can slip out from our view.

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Let's commit to seeing and consciously creating what only you can in your one and only life.

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Let's dive in.

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Hello.

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Hello and welcome to another episode of help me see.

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Two day on the show.

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We have a special guest.

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Her name is Sarah Marie builder, and she is an incredible mama of two that has been working in engineering for quite some time.

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Now it's which went to school for.

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And then the pandemic hit.

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During that.

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Unexpected time and having unexpected space.

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Sarah was able to dive into some other interest in discover some passions.

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Uh, and really carried them with her through the pandemic, through, uh, going back into the office.

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And now because of that, she has actually ended up leaving her full-time job as an engineer.

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And is now a full-time.

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Mama and full-time doula.

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Uh, pursuing the work that lights her up.

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What I think is so interesting and important about Sarah's story is that she really, really loved and enjoyed her job as an engineer.

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This is not a story of someone who.

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Was, living life so discontent and miserable and then pretend.

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Pandemic hit.

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And finally, she.

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Was able to XYZ.

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It's it's so important to listen to Sarah's story because.

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It's what's possible when you really lean in to your own whisper.

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No, it's I find oftentimes it's, it's easier to spot and to take action when something feels bad and wrong.

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But her job.

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Did not feel bad.

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It did not feel wrong.

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She just found something that she felt.

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Deeper, she felt more lit up by it.

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And I think that honoring that.

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That wisdom and that whisper of your inner most desires is, is one of the most important and precious things you can do for yourself in your life.

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Um, I hope our conversation starts out very casually because I had just hit record before we're ready to start talking about whatever the conversation is for the podcast.

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And she's sharing how she's expanding on this way of being outside of work.

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And now she's currently, taking the leap and buying a lake house and.

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Uh, After hearing this conversation, I'm sure you'll truly be able to feel her.

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Innate curiosity and openness and love.

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For life and everything that she encounters really Sarah is a huge inspiration and I'm, I'm so happy to bring her to you on, on the show.

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If you want to learn more about Sarah, check out the show notes, where you can get into her world.

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She also has a podcast called entering motherhood.

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You can go find her there.

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Without further ado here is Sarah.

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Um, okay.

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Is the house nearby or? So, yeah, so we're still staying, um, in our current house.

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And we're getting a second property out by a lake.

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Oh my gosh.

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That's amazing.

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We're super excited.

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Like we were kind of like we wanted a mountain house or a lake house or something along those lines.

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And so we've been looking and we found this cute little two bedroom like blue cottage kind of vibe.

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Oh my god.

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It has like a private pond in the backyard and it's so dreamy.

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What, like, how many, how do you even process so many huge changes at once? Oh my god.

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I feel like that's how it goes though.

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Like, my husband says I can never do like one thing at a time.

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Yeah, yeah.

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It's like, okay, we're overhauling the whole thing.

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Yeah.

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Oh my god, that's huge.

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It is.

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It's very exciting, but we're also like, how is it all gonna work out? But also like, oh, it's gotta work out.

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It'll work out.

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There'll be no choice but to work out.

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Oh, man.

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Well, congratulations.

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That's incredible.

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Thanks.

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Almost sitting down.

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Okay.

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Yeah, I very last minute, um, very last minute, I mean like a week before, not even a full week, decided to keep my Done my five year old home from daycare for the summer.

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In an effort to, I was like, I'm already with a three year old full time and our whole thing is like, we can't afford to send them both.

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I'm like, I certainly can save for the summer when I'm already home with one and then have at least a few months saved up going into spa.

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So now, I'm with both of them all day.

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Yeah.

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Every day.

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And it's kind of like, well, what am I going to do? Let's not do any work ever.

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Now it's just like, well, I just have to be more Distraction and you know, whatever, but yeah, yeah, that's it.

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I have no idea.

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Yeah, I have no idea what stay at home mom life is going to be like, and I'm still going to be doing my doula work and everything like that, but I don't know.

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It's going to be it's going to be fun.

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And then our yeah, our oldest will be five and she'll start kindergarten.

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So it's really like for the summer, both of them.

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And then, and then she'll start school.

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So that's really the best timing.

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You're, you're sliding in under the buzzer.

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You know what I mean? That's so great.

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Yeah, all right.

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So what, what do you want to talk about today? Yeah, I guess.

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I mean, like, motherhood, of course.

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I can go into whatever.

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Well, I really love When you first, when you first messaged me back when I posted that I'm sick of talking to myself on the podcast, you said something around, it was like creating, creating or life or artistry, I don't know, something about creatorship or artistry.

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Yeah.

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But I think what's so interesting and what's so totally relevant to what's going on for you right now, oh, boy, you're like, wow, what did I get myself into full life right now? I usually don't.

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I usually don't, have them around for podcasts, but I have the last, yes.

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That is so cool.

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Dude.

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Um, listen, can you, maybe you can write down all the facts that you think to tell me, because right now mommy's going to be on, uh, talking, okay, buddy, you're so cute.

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So, um, you know what I think is so interesting to talk about, especially in the season that you're in right now, like with so much change of foot, um, you know, this idea of creating life or creating life.

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A life, like whatever the hell that means and recreating it, not being beholden to the life that you've already committed to or the, the blueprint that you've seen elsewhere.

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You know what I mean? I feel like you're totally going And now I'm home full time, and now we have a lake house, and now we, you know.

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Yeah.

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Yeah, it really is, like, I mean, it's kind of, you know, having a vision and figuring out, like, what do you want that to look like? And then what are the steps and what's that journey of getting there? And sometimes like, like I said, I have no idea how it's going to work out or what it's going to be like and we've never had both kids on full time with me.

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They've always been in daycare unless I was on maternity leave.

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So it's like a lot of change, but I'm super excited for it because it's something, it's a change that I want and a change that I decided to have.

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Have been planning for as opposed to, you know, like where it's not a change that happened that was unexpected or, um, you know, not planned, but, you know, what I think is so interesting is that it's, and you said, like, when you have your vision, you go, oftentimes you, especially because what we're doing is so Unique to us, the vision didn't exist before it like alchemized in us, right? Like the same thing of our babies, right? Like we don't see it's all inside.

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You don't see what's going on.

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but you're moving like with this like deep, instinct and, uh, intention and intuitiveness, whatever intuition.

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Yeah.

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Um, so.

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I don't know.

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What does that look like? Maybe if you could talk about how that has shown up for you.

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So first, let's introduce you, Sarah and like the, the work that you do and, and maybe just a little background about the transition you're in right now and the work you're in before and what you're doing now.

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And then we can like roll deeper into this conversation we've just stumbled upon.

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Yeah.

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Yeah, so I am Sarah Marie Bilger.

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I am a mom, and I have been doing engineering pretty much since I graduated from college.

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That's what I went to school for.

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That's what I studied.

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That's what I have been doing.

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And then I had children, and I entered motherhood, and my whole life shifted and changed, and I was like, That's What do I want to be doing? Is this what I want to be doing? Do I want to, you know, be in an office, day in and day out, send my kids to daycare, only see them for a little bit of time before bedtime, and then, you know, obviously as they get older, things like change and adjust, but it just wasn't aligned with me anymore, and it wasn't what That's it.

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I thought I was meant to be doing.

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And so I really started this journey of, like, self exploration and figuring out, like, what I was passionate about and what really lit me up and how I can choose what I love and bring that into, um, something that can bring in income, really kind of, like, be passion driven and more aligned with the life that we were creating and, and going forward with.

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And so.

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After a long, long, like, trial and error of many different things, um, I have been a doula now for, I guess my first birth was almost like four or five years ago, but I really kind of like stepped into it and decided that's what I'm doing more so two years ago.

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And now, this week, exactly! I'm leaving my engineering job because I have picked up in clients and really kind of expand it on what's possible.

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And so kids are coming out of daycare.

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I'm stay at home mom slash doula.

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And it's all changing, but it's been a process.

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And you have your own podcast as well, right? Yep.

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Yep.

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And I also started entering motherhood, I guess that was about maybe three and a half years ago.

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It will be four years in January.

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So it's, it's been a wild ride, but I love it.

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So this idea of kind of listening to or seeing the feeling before actually the thing or the Specificity around what it might look like, AKA, uh, coming home full time and pulling the kid out of daycare and having two kids at home and, you know, figuring all of this out and what you still actually, you're like, what will it look like? I'm not sure because I haven't been in it yet, but this idea of, um, taking action on our intuition and, um, and I, I'm sure that you could speak to it in ways that we've been.

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Uh, what that looks like in birth and pregnancy because you're with women on that journey.

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You've been on that journey yourself.

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Um, just, yeah, whatever you want to speak to on that, like how it's playing out in your life right now and what you see in the birth space.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Exactly to that.

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I mean, most of the time, first time parents, even, you know, second time, third time, however many kids they're having, they're always like, what is it going to be like? What's going to happen? Like, I don't know what I don't know.

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And you know, um, even just, I had two births literally this past week, which is very unusual, but one mom was late and then the other one went early.

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So it all kind of meshed in, in like literally the same timeframe, but you know, a lot of Then they're just like, well, what's going to happen? Or like, what does this feel like? What does that feel like? How am I going to know? And sometimes you'll hear like, oh, like, you'll just know, like, if you start having contractions, you'll just know.

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And so for most of us, maybe that's true, but for other people, it could be like, I'm not sure.

174
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Is this real? Is this, you know, labor? It's, it's a lot of, like, I always say, Typically it's like this, but I've seen this happen, I've seen that happen, you know, it's like typically you'll dilate, you know, maybe a centimeter every hour, but I've seen people progress super quickly, so like don't take cervical checks like for what it is, it's just like how are you feeling and what's going on, and so it's really just like the unpredictability of it, but knowing that like, You're going to get a baby in the end.

175
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And, you know, for this, like, it's just kind of, you know, knowing that like, there's going to be some sort of outcome, there's going to be, you know, changes, but I see it with excitement rather than, afraid, like, I'm like, I can always go back to engineering.

176
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I know what that's like, you know, I can always go to my quote unquote safety net of, of what that's like.

177
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But I would.

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Be like kicking myself if I never tried to go another direction.

179
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I don't want to, I hear so many stories of people like, Oh, like I wish I would have done this when I was younger or like, Oh yeah, like I just did this for my job and then now I'm retired and I, you know, I'm finding hobbies or passions and this and that, and it's like, I don't want to wait to do that.

180
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And I want to, you know, be able to explore different options and opportunities because.

181
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You know, our kids grow up fast and they're already, I mean, I have an almost five year old and a two year old and I'm excited to just spend more time with them.

182
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Yeah.

183
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It's so funny, like hearing you talk about how you talk your clients through like all of these variables and how they're looking to you for answers.

184
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And you're like, If I'm doing my job responsibly, I can't give you an answer.

185
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Like, I wish I could tell you this is exactly how it's going to be, but also not really.

186
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Cause where's the magic in that, but also it just, it's not realistic to expect like the plan to go as planned in birth slash in life.

187
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Um, can you, can you go back a little bit? With your own birth, um, and I'm assuming your interest in becoming a doula happened afterwards, the way you're talking.

188
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So like what, maybe what did that look like for you? What was your experience in the birth space look like as you were moving through it as a first time mom? And then as you decided to dive into it on that caregiver side.

189
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Yeah.

190
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Yeah.

191
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I mean, I was, you know, corporate working person to the T.

192
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I was type A, very like, we're gonna have a baby and it's all just gonna work in the mix somehow.

193
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Like, you know, we'll just send them off to daycare.

194
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I'll keep working.

195
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It is what it is.

196
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And, you know, we're gonna be a family.

197
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And, um, while, yes, that happened, it was also like, I don't have that it.

198
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Drive for this corporate environment as much anymore.

199
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I have, you know, I'm torn between wanting to be with my baby and wanting to do a good job at work.

200
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And when I'm at work, I'm thinking of her and you know, when I'm with her, I'm like, am I doing enough at work? Am I being a good enough employee? Am I, you know, all of these things, like you're really kind of finding that balance.

201
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And while I was able to find that balance and I was able to like, thrive in that environment and be okay with it.

202
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It still just didn't feel aligned.

203
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And also what really like led me to do the work was Rosie, our oldest, our first, um, she was born through an unplanned cesarean.

204
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I was kind of like, Hey, we're going to have this unmedicated birth.

205
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Everything's going to go perfect and it's going to be great.

206
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And it just didn't go that way.

207
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And so I was really thrown off.

208
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And.

209
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Kind of confused that like, well, like, why? Like I took the birth class.

210
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I read the books, like, why didn't it happen? And I think there was really just this disconnect between my body and my emotions and the flowing through it.

211
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And the really kind of feeling what birth can be and what, you know, it's not, you can't just read a book and you're going to birth a baby.

212
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Like, um, you know, again, like.

213
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Like for some people, sure, like you can just walk into the hospital, sneeze out your baby and then everything's fine.

214
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But for most of us, it really is like this very intentional, um, deep work that comes with how you want to birth your baby and what that looks like.

215
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Because if you don't have a clear set vision, it will just happen to you.

216
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And there might be some things that later on you're You know, not, I don't want to, like, excited about, like, you don't look back on it with such joy that you could.

217
00:20:47,967.8705624 --> 00:21:00,477.8695624
Um, there's, like, little bits and pieces that you maybe don't remember or, um, really didn't feel okay with, but you didn't know what all your options were, you didn't know what decisions to make.

218
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Um, And so I really feel like it's just like informing parents of all the different decisions that there are, um, and seeing like what's possible and what's really practical for what they're looking for.

219
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But with my experience, it was just kind of like, okay, there has to be something else that I'm missing.

220
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And I very much like want it to, um, look more into it.

221
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So I was talking to midwives in the area, another birth workers and things like that.

222
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Um, and then I had my son and he was completely unmedicated.

223
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He was a VBAC, which is vaginal birth after cesarean.

224
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And I was like, okay, this is cool.

225
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Like, like there's really something to this.

226
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And like, now it wasn't only what I was like talking and like preaching.

227
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I physically.

228
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Went through it myself, so I felt so much more validated in the things that I was like learning about and and hearing and really kind of like bringing into what I was like telling other people.

229
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Um, so it's really just.

230
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I don't know, like a journey and, and really kind of like uncovering, um, what I like about it.

231
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And I just feel like I'm, I'm so much more meant to do this.

232
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And like, I also do postpartum care.

233
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I'm caring for twins right now.

234
00:22:20,772.8705624 --> 00:22:24,212.7705624
And like, I come over and the mom's like, I don't know what I'm doing.

235
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Like they're not sleeping, help.

236
00:22:26,322.8705624 --> 00:22:29,952.8705624
And within like a few minutes, like I have them both like down and content.

237
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And I just, I don't know.

238
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I love to snuggle babies.

239
00:22:33,967.8705624 --> 00:22:47,527.8700624
I love to like help moms and families overall, but you know, just give them like tips and tricks of how to really just go through it because I feel like it comes very natural for me.

240
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And I know that's not the case for a lot of people.

241
00:22:51,302.8705624 --> 00:23:07,932.8705624
It sounds like a big part of what you do is centered around uncovering choice, just choice, choice, choice, awareness, you know, because sometimes maybe the choice you're making is not exactly the choice that will for sure be available to you in that moment.

242
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Um, but uncovering choice so that you can make the most informed decision for yourself.

243
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And like, of course, this is a microcosm for life.

244
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And right now you're doing this like in uncharted territory yourself.

245
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And also I think it was interesting that you said the first time around was the, the tough one, right? Where things didn't go as planned.

246
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You're like, what the fuck? And then the second time you're like, this is awesome.

247
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I mean, obviously there was a lot of different differences, but can you isolate like the key variables that changed, that unlocked that new experience for you? Yeah, I think it's a lot of mindset and it's a lot of really kind of Asking yourself those hard questions or saying like what do you really want it to look like? And how are we taking steps to get there? Like with my first I was just kind of like I heard the idea of unmedicated birth and I heard that you know You can just like go into the hospital and that can happen And I just sort of like I will be able to get through any feelings that I have and, um, So she was a sync clinic, which is kind of like coming out sideways, like her head was a little tilt.

248
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And, um, she was, um, positioned like forward facing instead of like facing towards the back.

249
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So it was like, very poor positioning and a lot of pressure.

250
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Pressure early on a lot of just different sensations that are not that great Um, and I I didn't know what to do and I froze I kept on saying like this isn't like my water broke first That was like the first sign of labor just my water breaking and in my class that I took they said oh It's not gonna happen that way your water will break way later into pregnancy And so my like Type A personality and like my perfectionism and, and all of these things that it was like, very rigid.

251
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Like, you know, I was good at taking tests and like good at passing things and like, and all of a sudden it was like, this isn't the way it's supposed to be.

252
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Like, I vividly remember saying like, this isn't how it's supposed to be.

253
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This isn't how it's supposed to be.

254
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And I couldn't get out of that.

255
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I was just stuck in this, you know, loop mentally that I just kept on.

256
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I didn't know what to do.

257
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I didn't know how to snap out of it.

258
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I just kept on like thinking this isn't what I want.

259
00:25:24,602.8705624 --> 00:25:27,452.8705624
This isn't, you know, what's supposed to happen.

260
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I prepared myself for this.

261
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This is happening.

262
00:25:31,382.8715624 --> 00:25:31,722.8715624
Yeah.

263
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And here and like, and it's a very, That's, I mean, it's a very scary place to be in life, in birth, in any situation.

264
00:25:43,162.8705624 --> 00:25:43,572.8705624
Yeah.

265
00:25:43,572.8705624 --> 00:25:57,972.8705624
So, how, like, did you break out of that? Was that kind of with you the whole birth and, and, you know, how do you draw on that now in life as you are continuing to break out of, you know, what you might have been prepared for? Yeah.

266
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I mean, I think, like, You know, in some situations in life, like, if it's not the way you want, or it's not the way, like, you know, you plan for this and that, you might be able to, like, pivot, and you have a little bit more time, and you can kind of, like, reevaluate and think, with birth, there isn't any time, like, there is, but there isn't, it's kind of like, look, like, Like, baby's coming, um, you're having contractions, there's stuff going on, like, you literally have to just snap out of it right now and figure out what plan B is, or you're just gonna be stuck in this loop.

267
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And like, yes, in life, like, I mean, like, that happens, like, people get stuck in, like, I didn't want to be here, I didn't want my life to look like this, and you'll just stay You'll stay, you'll stay exactly where you are because you can't pivot out of that.

268
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And if there's not somebody, you know, they're able to be like, Hey, look, like, you know, we can work through this and like, we can get out of this.

269
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Like, let's go.

270
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And also you need to be willing to say like, yeah, you're right.

271
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I can.

272
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And like, Like, let's figure out another way.

273
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Like I, I had a duo for my first and like, she was trying to redirect a little bit and I just kept on saying like, nope, nope, I don't want, like, I was just, you know, stubborn and stuck.

274
00:27:19,492.8705624 --> 00:27:32,682.8705624
And so I really feel like working on mindset and figuring out a plan B, you know, if all of a sudden they start saying like, Hey, this is happening with baby, like, we really feel like you need to go for a cesarean, you have to be.

275
00:27:33,32.8705624 --> 00:27:56,212.8705624
Ready and say like, okay, like, is that my only option? And like, if that is the route that we're going, you know, I want this, that, and that, like knowing just like what your options are, even if the plan goes worst case scenario, um, how can we pivot in that? And it's tough to like, think of all those things.

276
00:27:56,212.8705624 --> 00:27:56,922.8705624
Like I, I don't.

277
00:27:57,467.8705624 --> 00:28:02,677.8705624
Expects people to like dwell on worst case scenarios for, for life, for birth, whatever.

278
00:28:02,897.8705624 --> 00:28:14,37.8705624
But just like having the, you know, I mean, like with like, we're getting a separate second property, we're having a lake house, like we're going to be doing construction and renovations and stuff like that.

279
00:28:14,222.8705624 --> 00:28:19,822.8705624
So like worst case scenario, we find something, it's like a money pit, you know, it's all of these things.

280
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And it's like, but we know that and we know what we're getting into.

281
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And so we're, we're fine with that.

282
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And we know what our options are.

283
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I think in so many different situations, it really just helps you feel.

284
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Better about making that decision when, you know, what could go wrong or what could happen.

285
00:28:40,582.8705624 --> 00:28:52,682.8705624
Um, and you feel more prepared that even, even, even more than being, having the doom list, doom and gloom list memorized, which I've memorized plenty of my day.

286
00:28:53,432.8705624 --> 00:29:00,107.8705624
But even more so than that, it seems that, um, being really rooted into what you know.

287
00:29:01,22.8705624 --> 00:29:03,2.8705624
Feels good and right for you.

288
00:29:03,172.8705624 --> 00:29:16,162.8695624
Like, so no matter what unexpected situation can come your way, like you kind of know how to carry yourself through or how to at least ground yourself into like, okay, if I have to get a cesarean, like, you know, I need this.

289
00:29:16,162.8705624 --> 00:29:17,732.8705624
I need this music playing.

290
00:29:17,742.8705624 --> 00:29:18,372.8695624
I need this.

291
00:29:18,582.8705624 --> 00:29:21,42.8705624
Like I, I know the ways in which to support myself.

292
00:29:21,62.8705624 --> 00:29:23,932.8705624
If this is a money pit and this is happening, like.

293
00:29:24,397.8705624 --> 00:29:26,417.8705624
One, we need to make jokes out of it.

294
00:29:26,457.8705624 --> 00:29:33,207.8695624
Otherwise I will cry and cry and cry or, you know, just like it from the most rudimentary to the most intense, serious ways to support yourself.

295
00:29:33,597.8705624 --> 00:29:41,447.8695624
And, um, yeah, I think about my own birth, which I don't, you know what, as you're talking about this, I think it's very interesting that I don't.

296
00:29:41,747.8705624 --> 00:29:44,297.8705624
remember a lot of the details of my own birth.

297
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And I think like, it was a very traumatic experience for me.

298
00:29:46,727.8705624 --> 00:29:55,657.8705624
And my first one, like from start to postpartum, I had like really unexpected, uh, postpartum anxiety and depression, like really badly.

299
00:29:55,657.8705624 --> 00:29:56,597.8705624
I had mastitis.

300
00:29:56,607.8705624 --> 00:29:59,677.8695624
I had that I was in labor for like three days.

301
00:29:59,687.8705624 --> 00:30:00,907.8705624
It was so painful.

302
00:30:00,997.8705624 --> 00:30:13,997.8705624
I didn't even know I could, move or I was too scared to even move to the point where when I had my second kid and I was in dose with Pitocin because he, none of my kids want to leave my body.

303
00:30:14,367.8705624 --> 00:30:26,97.8705624
Um, I didn't have a doula either time, which I, it wasn't even something I thought of, like, wasn't even in my, wasn't like I said no to it, just didn't even think about having it, which makes me a little sad.

304
00:30:26,527.8705624 --> 00:30:33,107.8715624
Um, but, I, I remember being like, wow, I am very intolerant of pain.

305
00:30:33,217.8705624 --> 00:30:40,827.8705624
I will want to cry over a paper cut and the moving and the bouncing on the, on the ball felt so much better.

306
00:30:40,827.8705624 --> 00:30:42,437.8705624
I almost thought I could do it unmedicated.

307
00:30:42,837.8705624 --> 00:30:49,257.8705624
And I was like, Oh my God, I was laying horizontal for days in excruciating pain.

308
00:30:49,487.8705624 --> 00:30:57,397.8695624
And of course, at a certain point, I couldn't, you know, move anyway after a certain point, but still I was like, I had no idea it wouldn't hurt as bad.

309
00:30:58,227.8705624 --> 00:30:58,737.8695624
Take that.

310
00:30:59,192.9330624 --> 00:31:02,22.9330624
Comment and apply it to life and everything else.

311
00:31:02,23.0330624 --> 00:31:03,722.8330624
Yeah.

312
00:31:03,722.9330624 --> 00:31:12,452.9330624
Yeah, it really is kind of like sometimes you shock yourself at like, oh, like, like, I mean, my one client this past week, like, she knew for sure she wanted the epidural.

313
00:31:12,452.9330624 --> 00:31:13,802.9330624
That was like part of the plan.

314
00:31:13,812.9330624 --> 00:31:16,542.9320624
She just didn't know, like, when it was going to happen, things like that.

315
00:31:16,792.9320624 --> 00:31:20,932.9330624
But like afterwards, she was like, Oh, like I, I knew it was going to be a big needle.

316
00:31:20,942.9330624 --> 00:31:23,612.9330624
Like, you know, I was a little bit scared, but like, it really wasn't that bad.

317
00:31:23,862.9330624 --> 00:31:32,522.9330624
And like, it was like the, all this like expectation and all of this hype of, of what it could be like, that you're kind of making yourself.

318
00:31:32,912.9340624 --> 00:32:31,797.9330624
Worry so much more than the reality of like how it's gonna be We have this trampoline park near us that we've gone to and it has like a high jump into that one of those it's not a trampoline But it's like a big block floaty thing and so like you jump off the high jump and like land on the pad and Here I am, like, in my 30s deciding that, like, I'm gonna do it because it was scary, like, it seemed like that's really high up and I'm up there and I'm sweating and it was maybe, like, a 10 foot drop and I just jumped and I did it and I was like, oh, that was not that bad at all and, like, my husband took a video and it just looked so much more I Simple, then like, when I was up at the top of there, like, sweating and freaking out, and then I was like, I could do it again, and again, once you kind of break that seal and you do the hard thing, it's like, oh, actually, it wasn't that bad.

319
00:32:32,67.9320624 --> 00:32:50,907.9330624
Your threshold increases! Yes! And you know what else it makes me think of? It makes me think of, uh, from one baby, from baby number one to baby number two, baby number two, I was like, what was our problem? Like, of course, like all respect given, like, of course you don't have any context, but like, I think.

320
00:32:51,127.9330624 --> 00:32:57,617.9330624
When I had my second one, I was like, this is so much more manageable than when they're mobile.

321
00:32:59,457.9330624 --> 00:33:10,277.9320624
So it's just so interesting and funny how it's all relative and everyone's experience is so independent and so unique and in their own, but also how vastly it changes.

322
00:33:10,952.9330624 --> 00:33:11,722.9330624
Yeah.

323
00:33:12,852.9330624 --> 00:33:40,197.9330624
So with what you're doing now in your life, what would you say makes you most excited and makes you most nervous and how do you find yourself navigating that? Yeah, I think, and it's funny because like this is like a conversation that I had with my daughter recently because we were talking between excitement and nervousness and like those two feelings kind of like overlapping and intertwining.

324
00:33:40,197.9330624 --> 00:33:47,897.9330624
So, like, I'm really excited to get this lake house, but I'm also, like, very nervous what that's going to entail.

325
00:33:47,897.9330624 --> 00:33:57,77.9325624
So, it's understanding, like, okay, like, is my nervousness actually just excitement? Because it's sort of, like, new and I don't know what to expect.

326
00:33:57,347.9325624 --> 00:34:18,567.9320624
And so, being able to, like, flip the script and all these things that, you might be nervous about and, and say okay, actually, could it be excitement and how can we like look at it in that perspective? But, you know, like again, like having my kids stay home full time, like I hear stories of people that are stay at home moms.

327
00:34:18,567.9320624 --> 00:34:24,507.9325624
And I know that there's challenges that come with it just as much as like there's challenges of working moms and things like that.

328
00:34:24,797.9325624 --> 00:34:27,787.9325624
And I'm super excited to see what that.

329
00:34:28,262.9325624 --> 00:35:00,792.9335624
Switch is going to be like and, and understand, you know, having them home all the time, because on the weekends, sure, I'm with them all the time and I can tolerate them and everything's great, but you know, are they going to take naps or are there going to be more tantrums? Are we going to get, you know, stuck in the house and need to go out somewhere or, are we always going to be out somewhere? And I think it's just processing that and not knowing what it's going to be like, but being okay with it because up until this point, like, everything's worked out fine.

330
00:35:00,822.9335624 --> 00:35:08,742.9335624
So I don't and it's not really, uh, a coincidence.

331
00:35:08,742.9335624 --> 00:35:10,332.9335624
I feel I feel like it.

332
00:35:10,717.9335624 --> 00:35:18,107.9335624
Everything will be okay when we are like tethered to like acting in our truth and in our alignment.

333
00:35:18,197.9335624 --> 00:35:18,437.9335624
Right.

334
00:35:18,447.9335624 --> 00:35:21,657.9335624
So it's not even like there's a right or wrong answer.

335
00:35:21,657.9335624 --> 00:35:24,417.9335624
There isn't like in any thing at all.

336
00:35:24,457.9335624 --> 00:35:34,217.8335624
Because even if you choose, even if I think the most quote unquote obvious wrong thing you could do is choose something you knew in your gut, you know, those moments where you knew.

337
00:35:34,527.9335624 --> 00:35:37,77.9335624
choose something that you know in your gut's not right.

338
00:35:37,507.9335624 --> 00:35:42,117.9335624
But even in that, it's like whatever comes out of that is so important.

339
00:35:42,177.9335624 --> 00:35:42,927.9335624
It's so important.

340
00:35:43,97.9325624 --> 00:35:54,757.9320624
And it's an important, not only for whatever lesson learned, but like, even if it's so important to somatically like feel in your body and respect your instinct and be like, I felt that I knew it, I knew it.

341
00:35:54,957.9320624 --> 00:36:08,202.9320624
So it's like, and not, Favoring that like emphasis on the shame of like, I didn't listen to myself, but like, okay, now I have even more awareness about like what it feels like as a no in my body and what it feels like as a yes in my body.

342
00:36:08,652.9320624 --> 00:36:09,522.9320624
Yeah.

343
00:36:09,792.9320624 --> 00:36:10,92.9320624
Yeah.

344
00:36:10,92.9320624 --> 00:36:18,757.9320624
It really is that alignment and, and really tuning into that because yeah, I guess I am nervous about dropping the engineering part of me.

345
00:36:18,757.9320624 --> 00:36:21,7.9320624
And like I say, like I'm always gonna be an engineer.

346
00:36:21,7.9320624 --> 00:36:22,267.9320624
I'm always gonna have that mindset.

347
00:36:22,272.9320624 --> 00:36:23,437.9320624
I'm always gonna have like.

348
00:36:23,682.9320624 --> 00:36:25,912.9320624
The skill set to be able to do that.

349
00:36:25,912.9320624 --> 00:36:27,632.9320624
I love problem solving.

350
00:36:27,652.9320624 --> 00:36:40,92.9320624
I love analyzing different things in that aspect, but I'm not going to have that specific job title, that specific role that I'm, I'm practicing in a profession.

351
00:36:40,382.9320624 --> 00:36:45,222.9320624
Um, but I mean, I use that same mindset when it comes to my clients for birth.

352
00:36:45,222.9320624 --> 00:37:07,122.9320624
I use that same, you know, mindset when I'm playing with my kids and it's, probably just my own thinking what people are going to think, but I don't know like how some family and friends will perceive it or if they'll even notice or recognize I think like one time one of my cousins thought I was just like staying at home with the kids and like didn't even realize that I worked anymore and it's stuff like that.

353
00:37:07,122.9320624 --> 00:37:11,412.9320624
Like you don't typically stay up to date I mean, I have a lot of cousins.

354
00:37:11,792.9320624 --> 00:37:13,422.9320624
my mom was one of 10.

355
00:37:13,892.9320624 --> 00:37:18,772.9320624
And so on my mom's side, I have at least 30 cousins.

356
00:37:19,252.9310624 --> 00:37:26,262.8320624
And so to have to I don't even know what all of their professions are all of the time.

357
00:37:26,542.8320624 --> 00:37:36,787.8320624
Um, if they're like changing different jobs or doing something differently and like, We don't, you know, keep an Excel spreadsheet of what everybody's doing in like every moment.

358
00:37:36,847.8320624 --> 00:38:03,321.7136711
Um, so I think you put these expectations on yourself of Oh, what are they going to think of me? Or how are they going to perceive this? Or what, what's going to happen? And most of the time, we're all just too busy living our own lives and, navigating what's going on in our own personal, space and bubble that, you know, if somebody else does something and especially if it's truly aligned with where they want to go and what they want to do, then they're like, heck yeah, like I'm so proud of you.

359
00:38:03,321.7136711 --> 00:38:04,681.7131711
I'm so excited for you.

360
00:38:04,691.7141711 --> 00:38:05,911.7141711
That's really cool.

361
00:38:06,191.7141711 --> 00:38:21,861.7131711
I think it's really more concern when somebody is thinking about you and that kind of aspect, let's say, I was like, Oh, I have to, you know, go take this job or I have to leave or I have to go somewhere I have to do something that I'm not necessarily happy about or I lost my job.

362
00:38:21,861.7131711 --> 00:38:23,391.7136711
I really liked my job.

363
00:38:23,671.7136711 --> 00:38:34,561.7126711
I think it's more so like people are concerned, for your well being more so than, they're judging you or thinking about you and like a negative aspect.

364
00:38:35,571.7126711 --> 00:38:49,651.7126711
What I love so much about what you're saying is I think about how important it is to call out that it's not like there was this grand juicy story of like, I was miserable.

365
00:38:50,96.7126711 --> 00:38:51,306.7126711
I hated my job.

366
00:38:51,426.7126711 --> 00:38:55,106.7126711
You know what I mean? Like, I just feel like that's the narrative you hear most.

367
00:38:55,746.7126711 --> 00:39:07,606.7126711
And I think that there's something so beautiful about like listening to yourself so intimately that you, not only do I, am I not miserable, but I like this part of my personality.

368
00:39:07,606.7126711 --> 00:39:08,476.7121711
I like this mindset.

369
00:39:08,476.7121711 --> 00:39:09,656.7116711
I like the way my brain works.

370
00:39:09,876.7116711 --> 00:39:16,236.7126711
I, it's very satisfying for me to use my,, skillset in this way and, you know, work in this way.

371
00:39:17,366.7126711 --> 00:39:24,676.7126711
And, and making that choice into the unknown out of that intuition, rather than.

372
00:39:25,936.7126711 --> 00:39:29,756.7126711
out of a more black and white, like clearly unhappy.

373
00:39:29,756.7126711 --> 00:39:31,926.7126711
This is clearly harming a lot of things.

374
00:39:32,66.7126711 --> 00:39:39,736.7126711
It's just like, no, I just have this pull towards something that is so ambiguous, but also like clear in a weird way.

375
00:39:40,116.7116711 --> 00:39:48,36.7106711
and despite how, what it might seem like, or if you hadn't seen one of your 30 cousins do something similar, there's a lot of cousins.

376
00:39:50,126.7106711 --> 00:39:51,506.7106711
Um, I don't know.

377
00:39:51,506.7106711 --> 00:39:56,826.7106711
I just, I wonder if you had seen, witnessed that before.

378
00:39:56,846.7106711 --> 00:39:57,226.7106711
I don't know.

379
00:39:57,226.7106711 --> 00:40:03,176.7096711
I just, I just wanted to call that out because I feel like a lot of times we hear these stories about stopping work to go home.

380
00:40:03,236.7106711 --> 00:40:10,496.7096711
It was, it's a very volatile thing, right? It's very much like I was miserable and I knew it was so wrong, but that's not the case for you here.

381
00:40:10,566.7096711 --> 00:40:15,76.7106711
And, um, and it's beautiful that you're like, and I could always go back and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

382
00:40:15,76.7106711 --> 00:40:17,906.7111711
So if you want to speak a little bit more to what that.

383
00:40:18,256.7111711 --> 00:40:27,556.7101711
Felt like moving through that like if there was waffling and like, but I'm happy if it ain't broke, should I not fix it? Like exactly Exactly that.

384
00:40:27,776.7101711 --> 00:40:46,851.7111711
I mean, yeah, I I could you know, I could contently be doing engineering work until I retire and Go about my days and live that life and and be totally fine with it I mean, like I said, like that's what I went to school with that was very much like oh you're good at You know, math and science like go into this.

385
00:40:46,871.7111711 --> 00:41:35,841.7116711
Um, i'm good at it Like I can sit at my computer and I can you know Crank out all these like spreadsheets and do all these calculations and get into the design of everything but like It just felt like okay, but what else is there out there? What else can I kind of like explore? And what would I think looking back if I was retiring like It would have been cool to try this or like it would have been different to You know explore this other option and part of it is like I'm, like am I kind of nuts for you know Leaving this really well paying job that I spent like all this time going to school And, you know, I feel fine doing, um, just to explore a passion and, and something that lights me up.

386
00:41:35,841.7116711 --> 00:41:40,321.7116711
And, you know, I think a lot of times, like, you know, work is work and work should be hard.

387
00:41:40,611.7106711 --> 00:41:46,551.7116711
Um, and, you know, you, uh, you do your work and you get it done and then you can have fun on the weekend.

388
00:41:46,551.7116711 --> 00:41:52,801.7116711
And the weekends and, and nights and stuff are for like your hobbies and the things that you want to do and all that.

389
00:41:52,811.7116711 --> 00:41:53,721.7116711
And I was like.

390
00:41:54,6.7116711 --> 00:41:57,636.7116711
But I see other people that are doing what they love.

391
00:41:58,66.7116711 --> 00:42:32,656.7116711
Like, not that I didn't, you know, like hate engineering or anything, but it wasn't, I wouldn't say it was like my passion or not and a love of like, you know, like I'm going to spend my weekends like doing load calcs, like, it's just like, I had other interests and, and hobbies and things like that, and with starting the podcast and talking to other people and hearing that, you know, they were in this, like, dead end job, and they had to find something else, or they knew that they had to kind of, step into something else, and they found it.

392
00:42:32,946.7116711 --> 00:42:48,281.7116711
I was kind of, like, Okay, so I can, you know, get paid to do something that lights me up, and I really feel aligned with, and I'm also, like, naturally Good at, I always knew I wanted to be a mom.

393
00:42:48,281.7116711 --> 00:43:00,561.7116711
I always saw that as being part of the equation and now I get to really put that forefront and, I mean like I lost my mom when I was really young and then I lost my stepmom.

394
00:43:00,621.7116711 --> 00:43:07,961.7116711
And so I think like those two experiences really have also kind of put me in this position of.

395
00:43:08,461.7116711 --> 00:43:54,396.7096711
not like the, again, worst case scenario, what if it happens to me, but I don't want to, look back on my life and not do the things with my kids that I wish I would've had more time for, or, if I'm telling them, chase your dreams, do what you love, if I'm not also, amplifying that and doing it myself, then, you know, Again, not, that I am worried about, what they're gonna think of me, but, I want to be that example of, like, it is possible, you can go into a corporate career, you can make that your thing, and you can, absolutely do that, but you also can, you know, Tap into different creative outlets and, and go into birthwork or whatever it might be.

396
00:43:54,646.7096711 --> 00:44:02,146.7096711
Um, and still get a very similar outcome of like how your life is supposed to pan out.

397
00:44:02,146.7096711 --> 00:44:03,946.7096711
How it's supposed to pan out.

398
00:44:05,766.7096711 --> 00:44:11,356.7096711
This reminds me of, so Sarah and I, we did this very, uh, mini retreat one time together.

399
00:44:11,356.7096711 --> 00:44:28,466.7096711
And I think about like all the big questions that kind of came up and like, well, what's the point? What is it? But end for what? And, and what is the bigger picture and what are we really saying here? And, um, yeah, it's just those social norms of how.

400
00:44:29,786.7096711 --> 00:44:34,916.7096711
you know, what's typical and traditional in a life and what's quote unquote responsible.

401
00:44:35,236.7096711 --> 00:44:45,646.7086711
And then there are those moments where I've had, like, I've said yes to something or said no to something that was so outlandish to me.

402
00:44:45,696.7086711 --> 00:44:51,806.7086711
Those moments where I felt like on paper, I look insane.

403
00:44:53,156.7086711 --> 00:44:59,566.7076711
And also those moments where I felt like I, I had the thought I should feel scared right now.

404
00:45:00,226.7086711 --> 00:45:13,826.7076711
And I don't, what is wrong with me? And it's like, but isn't that the, isn't that intuition? Like, it's like, wow, this by all accounts, by everything I've seen and by every, all the loved ones.

405
00:45:14,361.7086711 --> 00:45:15,531.7086711
coming to me unfiltered.

406
00:45:15,871.7086711 --> 00:45:19,81.7086711
Um, this doesn't seem like it makes sense.

407
00:45:19,111.7086711 --> 00:45:21,951.7086711
And yet I feel very still about it.

408
00:45:22,131.7086711 --> 00:45:56,331.7076711
You, you mentioned, uh, you hit on something earlier around like, am I just nervous or am I excited? I think oftentimes for me, it can feel confusing of, you know, um, is this anxiety? Am I scared? Or is this like good, like comfort zone getting out of my comfort zone? Um, And I think that someone once, uh, explained it to me as like this, it's like the frantic feeling of scarcity, like all of the, but what ifs, but what ifs, are fueling it versus the, talking about like, what ifs in a possibility way.

409
00:45:56,821.7076711 --> 00:46:02,551.7086711
anyway, so I just, I, I feel like those distinctions are quite common.

410
00:46:03,1.7086711 --> 00:46:15,391.7086711
confusing, but also very telling, right? It's like if I'm in my nervous system, not scared of this, but I think that it looks insane, probably my gut.

411
00:46:16,981.7086711 --> 00:46:25,901.7076711
And also there can be things that are, you know, really beautiful that your nervous system is like horrified for like doing a big talk on stage or whatever.

412
00:46:25,901.7076711 --> 00:46:29,491.7076711
And, you know, there's going to be so much learning on the other side of it.

413
00:46:29,801.7076711 --> 00:46:32,261.7081711
Um, yeah, I don't know.

414
00:46:32,261.7081711 --> 00:46:33,301.7086711
And I feel like that.

415
00:46:33,366.8086711 --> 00:46:48,826.7086711
Yeah, there's a lot of parallels and, um, yeah, like different aspects of our life, like in mothering and business and, you know, birthing ability and, and things like that.

416
00:46:48,826.7086711 --> 00:46:53,566.7076711
And like, obviously like there's going to be things that happen that are completely out of your control.

417
00:46:53,686.7076711 --> 00:47:01,146.7076711
And again, it's just, you know, how are you going to cope with that? And like, how are you going to, um, react from it? Yeah.

418
00:47:01,146.8076711 --> 00:47:01,166.6086711
Absolutely.

419
00:47:01,606.7086711 --> 00:47:11,551.7086711
And it's a lot of just like saying like Is that how you want to react? Like, I think I get stuck in this conversation of people are like, Oh, well, you know, I'm this way.

420
00:47:11,721.7086711 --> 00:47:14,461.7076711
And so like, I can't change and it is what it is.

421
00:47:14,471.7086711 --> 00:47:23,991.7086711
And it's like, but I feel like you, you could, if you want it to like, they'll be like, Oh, like, you know, I'm stuck in this job or I have to do this.

422
00:47:24,101.7086711 --> 00:47:26,101.7086711
you know, I would love to be able.

423
00:47:26,441.7086711 --> 00:47:39,411.7076711
To explore something different or like that sounds like so exciting, but like I would never or, um, I've been getting a lot of like, if I didn't do this, this job that I'm doing right now, I have no idea what I would do.

424
00:47:39,701.7086711 --> 00:47:44,641.7081711
Like, it's like they haven't even explored what other possibilities.

425
00:47:44,961.7091711 --> 00:48:14,231.7091711
There is out there what they would enjoy and I think we are kind of thrown in this loop of like, you know Grade school high school college and you're like just on this trajectory on this path for like one specific thing And while that's great and it really helps us like specialize in different aspects and really like go towards what we want It doesn't allow for variation and it doesn't allow us to really kind of like Say like, well, but what if I tried this? And like, maybe that could be another option.

426
00:48:14,601.7091711 --> 00:48:21,121.7091711
Um, you're just sort of stuck on this, on this trajectory of, you know, a path.

427
00:48:21,141.7081711 --> 00:48:34,431.7091711
And you don't even take time to say like, what else is it that I want to do? And I think like, I really had to intentionally step back and ask myself those questions.

428
00:48:35,436.7091711 --> 00:49:04,866.7071711
And really kind of see like, you know, what does get me excited? What do I feel more aligned with? What could I, you know, go into and feel okay with, you know, doing day in and day out? and like, what does that day look like? and yeah, I think it's just, sometimes our lives are so full that we don't have the capacity to really take the, the space needed to ask ourselves those questions.

429
00:49:04,866.7071711 --> 00:49:04,961.6071711
Um, sometimes.

430
00:49:05,311.7071711 --> 00:49:15,801.7071711
And where did you find the space to find that capacity? Like what helped, what was the thing that helped you kind of like take a step back and look at that hamster wheel and be like, Hmm, I don't know.

431
00:49:15,811.7071711 --> 00:49:16,381.7071711
Yeah.

432
00:49:16,921.7071711 --> 00:49:21,621.7061711
Um, I really feel like, so COVID hit and I got put on furlough.

433
00:49:21,886.7071711 --> 00:49:30,826.7061711
And I was probably on furlough for a good, like, two months and we still had the kids in daycare because we didn't want to lose our spot in daycare.

434
00:49:30,826.7061711 --> 00:49:35,516.7071711
We didn't know when I was gonna go back, if I was gonna go back, like, what that was looking like.

435
00:49:35,516.7071711 --> 00:49:37,546.7071711
It was very vague, very up in the air.

436
00:49:37,806.7061711 --> 00:49:47,771.7071711
So, like, I literally was home By myself majority of the time, like sometimes I would keep the kids home, but like most of the time I was just like sending them.

437
00:49:48,31.7071711 --> 00:49:58,171.7071711
So I was like going out for coffee with people and like going out to like different places and like listening to podcasts and like reading different things and like, like all of this stuff.

438
00:49:58,171.7071711 --> 00:50:02,421.7071711
And I really just kind of like tapped into like all these different aspects.

439
00:50:02,421.7071711 --> 00:50:08,1.7061711
And I think like in that time I grew as an individual of like really understanding like, okay, like.

440
00:50:08,321.7071711 --> 00:50:10,161.7071711
There is space to do this.

441
00:50:10,191.7071711 --> 00:50:24,241.7061711
And then when I started back up at work again, I made sure that I prioritized my time to like continuously be tapping into that and like making that part of my lifestyle.

442
00:50:24,621.7071711 --> 00:50:33,751.7071711
Um, so interesting that like, it's like the same idea of like, you can go your whole life and all of a sudden meet someone that becomes the most important person in your life.

443
00:50:34,51.7071711 --> 00:50:38,251.7061711
It's like you went so long and then all of a sudden you, you just become aware.

444
00:50:38,496.7071711 --> 00:51:09,906.7071711
Of this thing, whether it's an aspect of yourself or something you didn't know existed or a possibility or whatever, and then it becomes something that's like integrated, like in your day to day, that look like as you had to make room for, I mean, work adjust back to work, like, was it podcast? Was it like, what was it? And how did you kind of assimilate this new component of you in your new normal? Yeah, after I got back off of furlough, I had switched companies and I had gone like a hundred percent remote.

445
00:51:10,286.7071711 --> 00:51:13,46.7071711
And so I was at home all the time.

446
00:51:13,56.7071711 --> 00:51:24,736.7071711
So, you know, like my lunch break, I could, you know, do really whatever I wanted and I wasn't commuting and I wasn't, you know, worrying about like getting all dressed for the office and things like that.

447
00:51:24,896.7071711 --> 00:51:26,376.7071711
So I got a lot of that.

448
00:51:26,491.7071711 --> 00:51:38,611.6071711
Um, time in a way, like back, like my morning commute was sitting in my living room, drinking a cup of coffee, listening to a podcast.

449
00:51:38,611.7071711 --> 00:51:42,571.7076711
Um, and I think it's just like, again, it's restructuring.

450
00:51:42,571.7076711 --> 00:51:45,211.7076711
And like, I think when people say like, Oh, like, I don't have time for that.

451
00:51:45,221.7076711 --> 00:51:48,301.7076711
Or like, Oh, like, I don't know how I could make time for that.

452
00:51:48,311.7076711 --> 00:51:53,861.7071711
It's like, okay, you have to prioritize it it's not all going to be New Year's resolutions and things like that.

453
00:51:53,861.7071711 --> 00:51:57,351.7071711
People are super ambitious and they're like, I'm going to do this and this and this and this.

454
00:51:57,361.7071711 --> 00:52:00,771.7061711
it's adding in little things at the capacity that you can.

455
00:52:01,101.7071711 --> 00:52:06,831.7071711
And, you know, right now I'm very, very full because I'm still full time.

456
00:52:06,841.7071711 --> 00:52:08,661.7081711
I had those two births this week.

457
00:52:08,891.7081711 --> 00:52:11,11.7081711
and I'm also doing overnight postpartum care.

458
00:52:11,11.7081711 --> 00:52:15,61.7081711
So like essentially, I have been doing like 80 hours of work.

459
00:52:15,416.7081711 --> 00:52:27,736.7071711
And then, additionally, who knows what, so, it's just like, it's there, it's just you have to prioritize it, and then, stick with it, if that's what you want.

460
00:52:27,996.7071711 --> 00:52:38,136.7071711
Sarah said that with a smile on her face, like, a drunk smile, she was just like, yeah, I'm just doing it, like, I look like a happy glowing thing.

461
00:52:41,21.7071711 --> 00:52:45,471.7071711
Yeah, I mean, I mean, either way, you're right, like, no matter what, you're right.

462
00:52:45,471.7071711 --> 00:52:50,331.7066711
If you're like, I just don't have time for it because you don't, as you won't make time when that's the thing.

463
00:52:50,331.7066711 --> 00:52:52,571.7061711
And it sounds so annoying and you just want to like.

464
00:52:53,116.7071711 --> 00:52:55,146.7071711
backhand me, but it's true.

465
00:52:55,526.7071711 --> 00:52:56,366.7071711
It is so true.

466
00:52:56,366.7071711 --> 00:53:21,246.7061711
And I think about COVID and how we, all of a sudden, everyone was given permission to sit it out if they got that positive test for a week and things that we couldn't possibly call out or couldn't possibly not go, or, Oh, it's like, whether it's etiquette or like a rule for attendance for the amount of sick days we get, which can we talk about how ridiculous that is, you know, whatever.

467
00:53:21,601.7071711 --> 00:53:27,791.7071711
All of a sudden, because the whole world was on the same page and it was like this above the table requirement.

468
00:53:28,241.7071711 --> 00:53:29,801.7071711
Then it there goes permission.

469
00:53:29,811.7071711 --> 00:53:34,11.7071711
It's magic, you know, yeah, yeah.

470
00:53:34,61.7071711 --> 00:53:50,211.7081711
And it's, I mean, it's the same, you know, when my kids would get sick and I'm working and everything, like I have the flexibility and I would say, I guess like the luxury of like being at home that if they were sick, they would literally just be out in the living room, on the couch, watching some TV or like resting.

471
00:53:50,531.7081711 --> 00:53:53,361.7081711
Um, and I would be able to check in on them and stuff like that.

472
00:53:53,371.7081711 --> 00:53:54,751.7081711
If I had to.

473
00:53:54,946.7081711 --> 00:53:56,196.7081711
Go into the office.

474
00:53:56,486.7081711 --> 00:54:03,236.7076711
Maybe it was just like I took like a complete sick day, which again, I could have done that even being at home.

475
00:54:03,236.7076711 --> 00:54:19,856.7081711
But it's again, it's that permission that like, are we giving ourselves that or who are we really Afraid to ask for it from, um, and a lot of the times if you just like open up that communication let's say you want to be able to have more time to prioritize for yourself.

476
00:54:20,176.7081711 --> 00:54:24,926.7086711
Um, and you are a stay at home mom or, you know, like you're with your kids and stuff like that.

477
00:54:24,986.7086711 --> 00:54:34,716.7076711
who can you really just ask? I need some time just by myself once a month or, you know, like once a week, however often you can do it.

478
00:54:34,716.7086711 --> 00:54:38,36.7086711
And sometimes you'd be surprised that people would be like, Oh yeah, sure.

479
00:54:38,56.7076711 --> 00:54:42,826.7071711
I didn't know you needed that or like, I didn't know, that would help you.

480
00:54:43,286.7071711 --> 00:54:47,776.7071711
Um, You're like, what? You didn't.

481
00:54:50,721.7071711 --> 00:54:59,731.7061711
Yeah, and it's just I mean like I know I keep beating myself up right now because like I keep on saying I need to work out more and I need to move more and things like that.

482
00:54:59,731.7071711 --> 00:55:04,261.7071711
I feel like I've been so like stagnant in my mobility and everything like that.

483
00:55:04,271.7061711 --> 00:55:08,681.7066711
And it's okay, I know that I'll have that time later.

484
00:55:08,881.7066711 --> 00:55:12,311.7066711
And I know that I'll pick back up into it.

485
00:55:12,721.7066711 --> 00:55:19,766.7066711
Um, but I I do have a lot of balls that I'm juggling right now and a lot of different things that are like going on.

486
00:55:19,776.7066711 --> 00:55:23,436.7061711
And so I can't beat myself up you don't want to burn yourself out.

487
00:55:23,436.7061711 --> 00:55:26,346.7066711
You don't want to like max capacity everything.

488
00:55:26,746.7066711 --> 00:55:30,636.7066711
But you can slowly say like, okay, but I do want to have more time for that.

489
00:55:30,646.7056711 --> 00:55:35,226.7066711
So how can I work on getting there? Exactly.

490
00:55:35,226.7066711 --> 00:55:39,236.7066711
It's not like shaming yourself into just push more, push more.

491
00:55:39,236.7066711 --> 00:55:40,526.7066711
It's, it's that idea.

492
00:55:40,566.7066711 --> 00:55:43,496.7066711
It's that idea of like 10 X is easier than two X.

493
00:55:43,496.7066711 --> 00:55:47,676.7066711
Like if you think it's impossible, it's not try twice as hard.

494
00:55:47,896.7056711 --> 00:55:50,81.7066711
It's like, if it had to be, 10 X.

495
00:55:50,431.7066711 --> 00:56:04,261.7066711
How would you think about the situation? You have to break your brain out of like the mental model that it's used to out of the habits, out of the, whatever, like, what is the ways in which we can move these puzzle pieces that are maybe seem surreal.

496
00:56:04,281.7066711 --> 00:56:08,101.7056711
You know, you really have to push it that far because we're creatures of habit.

497
00:56:08,101.7056711 --> 00:56:12,681.7066711
Are you kidding me? You go into a same room more than one time, you're going to sit at the same spot in the same room.

498
00:56:13,881.7066711 --> 00:56:17,211.7066711
So yeah, it's really not about that.

499
00:56:17,271.7066711 --> 00:56:20,991.7056711
Like, let's just smash more in and sheer grit and determination.

500
00:56:20,991.7066711 --> 00:56:24,351.7046711
Like you said, Oh, well, weekends are for play and weekdays for work.

501
00:56:24,351.7056711 --> 00:56:31,221.7056711
It's, it's really breaking your brain out of all of the cycles and taking all those pieces together and be like, wait, how do I want to put this.

502
00:56:31,636.7056711 --> 00:56:32,186.7056711
together.

503
00:56:32,426.7056711 --> 00:56:36,826.7056711
And it's not easy because institutions are built around the norm.

504
00:56:37,126.7056711 --> 00:56:43,616.7051711
So of course, like the typical hours of daycare, the typical hours of school, the typical hours of doctor's offices, like all that stuff.

505
00:56:43,616.7051711 --> 00:56:48,16.7056711
So what we're saying is not like, Oh, just do that like flippantly.

506
00:56:48,346.7056711 --> 00:57:00,386.7056711
But I mean, It's, it's really an intentional choice and an intentional deconstructing of a life in order to build one that, you know, fills you up more than you thought possible.

507
00:57:01,196.7056711 --> 00:57:01,786.7056711
Yeah.

508
00:57:02,206.7056711 --> 00:57:15,86.7056711
Yeah, it really is like you said, like the deconstructing and the re evaluating and I mean, this has been a five year process for me of like, what do I really want to do and what does it look like? And I.

509
00:57:15,526.7056711 --> 00:57:25,386.7056711
Have thought about quitting my job and what that might look like and now like it's actually a reality and It's just Not going to happen overnight.

510
00:57:25,386.7056711 --> 00:57:40,366.7056711
It's not going to be all of a sudden but if you have that Desire and then like you can't and you can change your mind like if you like continue to go for that um, and you see Maybe you don't like it.

511
00:57:40,376.7056711 --> 00:57:44,86.7056711
Maybe you're like, oh, like, I want to, you know, try this or do that.

512
00:57:44,86.7056711 --> 00:57:47,716.7051711
Like, I want to be a runner, you know, let's start running.

513
00:57:47,726.7051711 --> 00:57:50,156.7046711
And then you start running and you're like, this is actually miserable.

514
00:57:50,156.7046711 --> 00:57:51,426.7046711
I'm never going to enjoy it.

515
00:57:51,426.7046711 --> 00:57:53,116.7031711
I'm never going to get better at it.

516
00:57:53,366.7041711 --> 00:57:55,136.7031711
I don't know why I thought this was cool.

517
00:57:55,136.7041711 --> 00:57:56,781.6041711
Like, maybe you saw, a video or an article.

518
00:57:57,21.7041711 --> 00:58:22,956.7036711
Really cool outfit for running or something or some new shoes And like you're like, yeah, like that looks so cool and then you're like, nope, never mind not my thing and that's okay like I think it's like allowing ourselves to change and pivot and have that you know curiosity and exploration but not being like Again, stuck in any which way, we can change and we can adjust.

519
00:58:24,396.7036711 --> 00:58:24,896.7036711
Yeah.

520
00:58:24,896.7036711 --> 00:58:30,216.7036711
It's hard to remember because we love to wrap our identities up with these things.

521
00:58:30,316.7036711 --> 00:58:33,516.7046711
no, but I identify as this type of person.

522
00:58:33,926.7036711 --> 00:58:42,666.7036711
even if it's something so silly, like vanilla over chocolate, or I'm a coffee person, not a tea person, you know, it, we.

523
00:58:42,941.7036711 --> 00:58:52,251.7036711
It sounds silly and insignificant, but in a very real way, it stops us from even recognizing something else as an option, as a choice.

524
00:58:52,991.7036711 --> 00:59:03,311.7036711
Um, I was saying on, uh, on another episode how I was at a restaurant and I'm now, I'm eating, I have an autoimmune thing and I'm eating for my thyroid now.

525
00:59:03,311.7036711 --> 00:59:06,531.7036711
And I have to ask very annoying questions at restaurants.

526
00:59:06,961.7036711 --> 00:59:12,251.7041711
And I found myself like making fun of myself and being like, Oh, I'm usually not.

527
00:59:12,271.7041711 --> 00:59:14,111.7036711
It's like, I'm usually not that person.

528
00:59:14,111.7036711 --> 00:59:27,991.7021711
What, what person, a person that cares about like the food they put in their body? what is my, you know, why am I defending myself to this waiter who doesn't give a fuck? You know what I mean? Like, it's like, it's just so interesting.

529
00:59:27,991.7021711 --> 00:59:35,271.7026711
And I, And the more you become aware of, of those things, it's not that you're above doing it.

530
00:59:35,331.7026711 --> 00:59:36,811.7026711
It's just that you start seeing it.

531
00:59:36,811.8026711 --> 00:59:37,681.7691711
Yeah.

532
00:59:37,681.7691711 --> 00:59:50,501.7026711
I mean, cause yeah, I have a nut allergy and so I probably should at every single restaurant that I go to make them well aware of it.

533
00:59:50,766.7026711 --> 00:59:54,316.7026711
But I'm like, no, I'm just going to sit here and I'm going to read through the menu.

534
00:59:54,316.7026711 --> 00:59:58,96.7026711
And if it doesn't say nuts, then I'm just going to believe that, like, there's no nuts.

535
00:59:58,426.7026711 --> 01:00:04,976.7026711
But I had a really severe allergic reaction a couple of years ago with that kind of scenario.

536
01:00:04,976.7026711 --> 01:00:06,276.7026711
It was a vegan restaurant.

537
01:00:06,276.7026711 --> 01:00:10,466.7026711
We were on vacation and I was like, oh, I'm going to get the vegan burger.

538
01:00:10,466.7026711 --> 01:00:10,966.7026711
I've had.

539
01:00:10,996.7026711 --> 01:00:12,926.7026711
So many vegan burgers in the past.

540
01:00:12,936.7026711 --> 01:00:17,516.7026711
So much vegan cheese, like you name it and never have had an issue.

541
01:00:17,516.7026711 --> 01:00:22,516.7026711
I know that some places will use nuts, this and that, but it's usually listed and called out.

542
01:00:22,516.7026711 --> 01:00:25,46.7016711
So like, I didn't think anything of it here.

543
01:00:25,46.7026711 --> 01:00:26,706.7021711
I'm like halfway into my burger.

544
01:00:26,706.7021711 --> 01:00:29,36.7026711
Cause we were starving and out all day.

545
01:00:29,316.7026711 --> 01:00:32,536.7026711
And I'm like, there was nuts in this, like there was absolutely nuts in this.

546
01:00:32,556.7026711 --> 01:00:34,196.7026711
And I started turning bright red.

547
01:00:34,446.7026711 --> 01:00:47,101.7026711
I started getting really itchy and I went up to them and I was like, Hey, like Just curious, like, do you use nuts, like, in your burger? And they're like, oh yeah, like, our cheese is, like, a house homemade, like, cashew cheese.

548
01:00:47,721.7026711 --> 01:00:51,771.6026711
And I was like, great, I'm having an allergic reaction.

549
01:00:51,771.7026711 --> 01:00:54,491.7026711
And like, they then started, they were like, well, you should have told us.

550
01:00:54,491.7026711 --> 01:00:57,311.7026711
And I think they were, like, afraid that I was gonna sue them.

551
01:00:57,581.7026711 --> 01:01:01,381.7026711
And I was like, no, I literally just need, like, safety, like, for myself.

552
01:01:01,421.7026711 --> 01:01:08,321.7026711
Like, I need to know for, like, you know, reasons of, like, I'm not hallucinating, I'm actually having an allergic reaction.

553
01:01:09,106.7026711 --> 01:01:23,196.7016711
But I mean, like I, I was in the ER, I started having a panic attack cause now we had children and I was like, you know, my mom and my step mom all flowing through my head, like, I'm gonna die and leave my children behind and all of this stuff.

554
01:01:23,236.7026711 --> 01:01:34,266.7026711
But, you know, to your point, like, I could have just asked, like, what was in the food and avoided that, but I didn't want to inconvenience them.

555
01:01:34,296.7026711 --> 01:01:43,996.7026711
And I didn't want to like, call more attention to myself of like, oh, hey, I'm this, like, Like, you know, maybe if I tell them I have a nut allergy they're gonna spit in my burger kind of thing.

556
01:01:46,576.7026711 --> 01:01:48,886.7016711
I didn't want to, like, be, like, extra.

557
01:01:49,896.7016711 --> 01:02:06,206.7026711
And, and while that doesn't happen all the time, it happened in this scenario, and it's like, for what? For what? Like, you know? For what? For what? In every, like that's literally life and death situation.

558
01:02:07,416.7026711 --> 01:02:11,216.7026711
And then there's also like, you know, what is it? I forget her.

559
01:02:11,226.7026711 --> 01:02:16,826.7026711
Her name is, um, she did like the top five regrets of the dying or something.

560
01:02:16,826.7026711 --> 01:02:54,596.7016711
Um, I forget her name, but you know, one of them, like not caring what people thought and why did I? Care what anyone thought like no one I overestimated how much someone cared to begin with And then also didn't get to actually live the way I wanted to live which Honestly what scares me more what scares me more than then? knowing, this may sound a little backwards, but what scares me more than knowing I want to do something and not doing it is not knowing I want to do something.

561
01:02:54,936.7016711 --> 01:02:58,56.7026711
That there's something about that that freaks me out.

562
01:02:58,316.7016711 --> 01:03:01,806.7016711
Like just not ever realizing that that was an option.

563
01:03:01,806.7016711 --> 01:03:25,621.7031711
I think it's in the same vein as like, um, When I think about how photographs help me avoid, like, I didn't know how important that was at the time, like, that idea, like, I feel like keeping my phone with me and seeing life through photographs, always keeps it fresh in me of now, now, now, this, this, this, um, but when I think about, like, I didn't think about that as an option for my life.

564
01:03:25,801.7031711 --> 01:03:28,151.7031711
That statement scares the fuck out of me.

565
01:03:29,61.7031711 --> 01:03:31,91.7031711
I don't like that.

566
01:03:31,381.7031711 --> 01:04:01,511.7016711
So, um, it's, I mean, it's not helpful to also be afraid of everything you don't know, but it really puts at the forefront, what are the ways in which I can constantly be Putting in front of me situations that are new or people that are living life, life differently and how they want to, and, you know, not exactly that I'll want to do exactly what they're doing, but just, it's such a good, muscle exercise or muscle memory to recognize all of the ways in which people innovate and really make life their own.

567
01:04:01,931.7016711 --> 01:04:09,61.7016711
Um, and, and for you, it's your job full time now, your job to help people make their births their own.

568
01:04:09,181.7006711 --> 01:04:12,991.7006711
Like, okay, how do you make this experience your own? There's so much out of your control.

569
01:04:13,171.7006711 --> 01:04:28,916.7016711
There's so much That could go wrong, and there's so much that could go right, but like, how do we think about the things that we can anticipate and figure out what feels like you in it, and that way we can move in this process in a way that feels good no matter what.

570
01:04:29,856.7016711 --> 01:04:33,856.7016711
Yeah, yeah, I mean, like, back to how you said, like, you know, you didn't have a doula.

571
01:04:33,856.7016711 --> 01:04:47,111.7016711
I think a lot of people, like, are still super confused at, What a doula is and what a doula does and people are like, oh like you deliver babies and i'm like no Yeah, like i'm not like the ob or the midwife.

572
01:04:47,111.7016711 --> 01:04:54,931.7016711
I don't replace them You don't you know, like hire me to like birth your baby I'm supporting you and I'm informing you of all these different decisions.

573
01:04:54,931.7016711 --> 01:04:58,671.7016711
I'm, you know, excited for you and along the ride for you.

574
01:04:58,671.7016711 --> 01:05:03,851.7016711
And I'm there to answer any questions that you have, or, you know, walk through different scenarios.

575
01:05:03,851.7016711 --> 01:05:12,81.7011711
And a lot of times it's like I was saying, what is this going to feel like? What is that going to feel like? You know, um, if a nurse says something and they're doing it day in and day out.

576
01:05:12,91.7011711 --> 01:05:15,71.7011711
So to them, they think Oh, that's enough of an explanation.

577
01:05:15,341.7011711 --> 01:05:18,881.7011711
And so I'm there to kind of be like, Oh, actually they're going to do this or that.

578
01:05:18,941.7011711 --> 01:05:21,1.6991711
They'll be like, Oh, we're going to start Pitocin.

579
01:05:22,1.7001711 --> 01:05:34,681.7001711
Okay, is that a pill, a needle, an IV? Like, you know, if you aren't aware of these things, you're just like, okay, do I sit? Do I stand? Where am I? Can I move? I thought the balloon sounded pleasant.

580
01:05:34,891.7001711 --> 01:05:36,821.5991711
I was like, oh, that sounds, that makes sense.

581
01:05:36,821.6991711 --> 01:05:40,901.6991711
A gradual, that sounds like, that's very innocent sounding, a balloon.

582
01:05:41,211.7001711 --> 01:05:42,21.7001711
Mm-Hmm.

583
01:05:42,461.7001711 --> 01:05:43,841.7001711
Worst thing of my life.

584
01:05:45,721.7001711 --> 01:05:46,291.7001711
Yeah.

585
01:05:46,291.7001711 --> 01:05:47,701.7001711
I, I mean, like, exactly.

586
01:05:47,751.7001711 --> 01:05:52,466.7001711
Or they don't understand you get the epidural, you're gonna get a catheter 'cause you're not gonna get up to go to the bathroom.

587
01:05:52,596.7001711 --> 01:05:52,836.7001711
Okay.

588
01:05:52,841.7001711 --> 01:06:02,656.7001711
what does that, what does that entail? What does that, what's getting hooked up and how, how are things all over? I think it's just, you know how it's possible for the epidural to only work on half your body.

589
01:06:03,331.7001711 --> 01:06:21,321.7006711
Right, yeah, and just all the different like sensations and feelings like, I mean, there will be some nurses that are really good at explaining things or like having the time, we were up against like we weren't sure if she was being sarcastic or what her kind of like personality was, it was very hard to read, um, and we were just asking about things.

590
01:06:21,331.7006711 --> 01:06:32,361.7006711
She's like, are you serious? And I was like, yeah, yeah, kind of like, kind of, are you serious? We were just, we didn't know how to interpret what her personality was.

591
01:06:32,381.7006711 --> 01:06:40,441.6991711
And a lot of these people, maybe, you know, your OB or your midwife or whoever, but if you're in a hospital setting, you don't meet the nurses beforehand.

592
01:06:40,441.6991711 --> 01:06:41,301.6991711
You have no idea.

593
01:06:41,311.6991711 --> 01:06:44,101.6991711
And they're the people that are with you majority of the time.

594
01:06:44,351.6991711 --> 01:06:48,906.6001711
So if you don't have a with you, you are with a stranger for the most.

595
01:06:48,976.7001711 --> 01:06:49,386.7001711
part.

596
01:06:49,386.7001711 --> 01:06:57,136.7001711
even if you've been with your OB and you've seen them, very often, you are with somebody who you have never interacted with before.

597
01:06:57,176.7001711 --> 01:07:20,101.7016711
And if you don't vibe with them, like, sure, you can ask for, like, a different nurse, you can, rotate, do whatever, but You're, you're kind of just stuck with whatever personality so like I say if somebody's looking to hire me, I'm like, hey, make sure we vibe together make sure you're ready for me to get all up in your personal space and being you're very vulnerable situation because if you don't like me.

598
01:07:20,706.7016711 --> 01:07:22,536.7016711
That's not going to be beneficial to you.

599
01:07:22,546.7016711 --> 01:07:34,166.7016711
If you just want me to leave the room, if you don't want to listen to me, if you don't agree with my, you know, viewpoints or perspective on like what's about to happen, then everything that I say is just going to go in one ear and out the other.

600
01:07:34,176.7026711 --> 01:07:38,826.7046711
And that's why some people are like, Oh, I had a doula and there wasn't, a reason for it.

601
01:07:38,826.7046711 --> 01:07:40,396.7046711
Or I don't even know why I had one.

602
01:07:40,596.7046711 --> 01:07:45,706.7046711
If you're just kind of doing it because somebody told you to do it and you're just like checking off the list.

603
01:07:46,346.7046711 --> 01:07:49,176.7046711
Then it's not going to be as beneficial for anything.

604
01:07:49,186.7046711 --> 01:08:00,146.7036711
If you're just doing it to do it and you're not really doing it because you specifically want to, or that's what you, you know, decide on, then it's not going to feel an alignment.

605
01:08:00,166.7046711 --> 01:08:02,736.7036711
It's not going to feel, um, right.

606
01:08:02,756.7046711 --> 01:08:05,656.7036711
And it's not going to be right for you.

607
01:08:07,346.7036711 --> 01:08:16,816.7046711
And what's that common thread with all of this? It's just like, if, if you're being the most honest and I'm being the most honest and we're both a match for each other.

608
01:08:17,306.7046711 --> 01:08:23,836.7046711
Like how magical will that end up being like when you're living in your deepest truth, not just you're like, Oh, I don't hate it.

609
01:08:23,846.7046711 --> 01:08:32,266.7056711
Truth is like, and then you get matched with, things that are of the deepest truth for you in life.

610
01:08:32,306.7056711 --> 01:08:35,956.7056711
Right? So it's like, it's only ever serving.

611
01:08:36,416.7056711 --> 01:08:57,801.7056711
Everyone around you and yourself to be in your truth, fully in your truth, not in the, like, I don't need much, just this, like, no one, you don't, you're the main character in your life, you're not, why are you playing small in your own life, Take up space, like make sure you'll be able to breathe after you eat that burger.

612
01:08:57,801.7056711 --> 01:09:10,231.7046711
Like, it's like we, you know, we have to be, and you know, and it's so exhausting, right? Like we have to be our own advocates so hard in so many areas.

613
01:09:10,591.7056711 --> 01:09:11,61.7056711
And.

614
01:09:11,226.8056711 --> 01:09:15,56.7056711
I mean, even like, talk about the medical field, my goodness.

615
01:09:15,56.7056711 --> 01:09:20,326.7051711
Like, you know, when you just know something's not right or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and it's exhausting.

616
01:09:20,326.7051711 --> 01:09:34,136.7056711
And I know there's so much on our plates as it is, but from what I can glean, I'm not like, I have not arrived, but what can, what I have gleaned is that the more you do it, the easier it becomes.

617
01:09:34,146.7056711 --> 01:09:35,766.6056711
The more you do it, the more your life is, is better.

618
01:09:35,986.7056711 --> 01:09:38,186.7056711
more seamlessly set up that way.

619
01:09:38,386.7056711 --> 01:09:43,716.7056711
The more you do it, the more people know what your boundaries are and what to expect from you.

620
01:09:43,746.7056711 --> 01:09:46,556.7056711
So it does become easier over time.

621
01:09:47,406.7046711 --> 01:09:48,6.7046711
Yeah.

622
01:09:48,376.7056711 --> 01:09:48,866.7056711
Yeah.

623
01:09:49,146.7046711 --> 01:09:55,316.7066711
I think there's like a trend right now saying like, who you think you're like emailing and then like, who you're actually like emailing.

624
01:09:55,496.7056711 --> 01:10:01,46.7056711
Have you seen that? And it's like, they're like professional, like headshot photo and stuff.

625
01:10:01,326.7056711 --> 01:10:10,506.7056711
And then it's like, You know, like them, like dancing on a table or like doing something like way, um, not aligned with like how their headshots are.

626
01:10:10,506.7056711 --> 01:10:12,226.7056711
And I'm sure like, this is something that you can talk to you.

627
01:10:12,236.7056711 --> 01:10:17,476.7046711
Like you do a great job of like actually capturing like who that person is in that moment.

628
01:10:17,486.7056711 --> 01:10:27,446.7056711
It's not like this, like, you know, very stiff, posed, uh, It's like, no, like this is that person talking to me.

629
01:10:27,446.7056711 --> 01:10:33,96.7046711
Like, I remember when you were doing my photos and it was like, you're just sitting there having a conversation and like talking.

630
01:10:33,96.7056711 --> 01:10:41,576.7061711
And you were like, asking me to explain, what one of my tattoos were or you know, just like getting me in my element of like my true self verse like.

631
01:10:41,811.7061711 --> 01:10:46,992.6425347
Okay, pose like this, like, have your hair like this, or like, let's have this backdrop, or like, whatever it might be.

632
01:10:46,992.6425347 --> 01:10:53,751.7061711
And isn't that who you want to be emailing anyway? The person dancing on the table? Yeah! Like, not the person that, like, quaffed in front of a backdrop.

633
01:10:54,571.7061711 --> 01:11:07,531.7061711
Right! Like, what makes, like, what makes you think that, like, that's not who, like, I mean, I try to put, like, as much of my authentic self out there, because, like, when they're, when they're working with me, like, I, I'm going to be who I am.

634
01:11:07,551.7061711 --> 01:11:14,591.7061711
And so, like, I want them to see that so, I don't have to, put on this, fake smile or this type, you know, rigid person.

635
01:11:14,611.7051711 --> 01:11:26,321.7061711
And I feel like with, with engineering, when I had to dress for the office and I had to wear, like, the pencil skirts or the nice slacks and the, you know, the flats and, and the, little heel or something like that.

636
01:11:26,321.7061711 --> 01:11:30,996.7061711
Or, like, I always felt like I had to, you know, like, You know, have my hair done nice and whatnot.

637
01:11:31,56.7061711 --> 01:11:38,566.7061711
sure yes, that's a part of me, but like, I, I would not choose to do that on the weekends.

638
01:11:39,616.7051711 --> 01:11:44,336.7051711
I'm not wearing a button up and like, I wonder it's so interesting.

639
01:11:44,336.7061711 --> 01:11:45,501.6061711
It makes me think that.

640
01:11:45,691.7061711 --> 01:11:51,1.7061711
You know, this whole what there was something about, there's like this mass exiting of like corporate culture.

641
01:11:51,1.7061711 --> 01:11:58,131.7051711
A lot of people are leaving the workplace, obviously, because the effects of COVID and how, oh, now we've seen the light of like, oh, life can be different.

642
01:11:58,151.7061711 --> 01:11:59,651.7061711
Now there's more remote opportunities.

643
01:12:00,51.7051711 --> 01:12:22,146.7066711
But I do wonder how much I mean, aside from realizing a different passion or whatever, how many more people would stay with corporate and in the workplace, if If not for like the cultural difference, not just the work, but like this, like bullshit, like political expectation.

644
01:12:22,406.7056711 --> 01:12:29,476.7056711
I know someone who they, all of COVID were able to work home permanently full, full time.

645
01:12:29,476.7066711 --> 01:12:33,926.7066711
And then now that, you know, the vaccine's out there, they have to be there like four days a week.

646
01:12:33,926.7066711 --> 01:12:44,701.7066711
Like, but I'm like, You kept the company alive during COVID and now knowing you can work at home, but now it's like, Nope, we pay for this rented space and optics.

647
01:12:44,701.7066711 --> 01:12:45,971.7066711
We want your butts in the chair.

648
01:12:45,981.7066711 --> 01:12:53,611.7066711
It's like, how does one respect that? You know? And it's not always so black and white, but also at the end of the day, those are what you're making your life decisions on.

649
01:12:53,611.7066711 --> 01:13:02,671.7066711
Like I, I have to go and act like it's normal for me to wake up and put on a blazer when I just got barfed on by my kid and was yelling at my.

650
01:13:02,826.7066711 --> 01:13:05,326.7066711
Poor five year old for taking his time living his life.

651
01:13:05,476.7066711 --> 01:13:09,576.7066711
And I'm like, we're late, we're late, we're late! Like, who wants to live like that? Yeah.

652
01:13:09,816.7066711 --> 01:13:14,776.7066711
You know? And it's like, we could all just feel more at ease in our bodies and our lives.

653
01:13:14,776.7066711 --> 01:13:19,6.7056711
And we can also do a much better job at work to begin with.

654
01:13:19,376.7076711 --> 01:13:19,786.7076711
Yeah.

655
01:13:19,826.7056711 --> 01:13:25,746.7056711
And I, yeah, I mean, I am like curious to see how work culture and stuff like that is gonna shift and gonna change.

656
01:13:26,26.7056711 --> 01:13:30,736.7056711
Because again, I think it roots back to You know, well, our parents had to do it that way.

657
01:13:30,736.7056711 --> 01:13:33,6.7056711
There was no work from home kind of thing.

658
01:13:33,6.7056711 --> 01:13:40,46.7046711
And so like the older generations or the people that are still there, they're like, well, I've done it and I've, you know, worked this way.

659
01:13:40,46.7056711 --> 01:13:45,406.7061711
And again, back to the work is hard and, you know, you got to kind of like tough it out.

660
01:13:45,766.7061711 --> 01:13:47,796.7061711
For my first birth, like I had a cesarean.

661
01:13:47,816.7061711 --> 01:13:49,166.7061711
I don't want that on anybody.

662
01:13:49,166.7061711 --> 01:13:53,716.7061711
Like I don't unless like, I mean, like you want to have a cesarean, like go for it, like all, all that.

663
01:13:53,716.7061711 --> 01:14:02,916.7061711
But like, I don't want somebody to feel as ill informed and clueless as I was as to what was going to happen and how things happen.

664
01:14:04,186.7061711 --> 01:14:05,216.7061711
That just reminds me too.

665
01:14:05,216.7061711 --> 01:14:09,526.7061711
It's like, well, I did it, but it's like, The world is different now.

666
01:14:09,716.7061711 --> 01:14:11,236.7061711
Like you don't have to do it.

667
01:14:12,286.7061711 --> 01:14:14,306.7061711
It's like it was glamorous to smoke.

668
01:14:14,666.7061711 --> 01:14:16,736.7061711
We know more about smoking now.

669
01:14:16,736.7061711 --> 01:14:17,926.7051711
It's not the same situation.

670
01:14:18,96.7061711 --> 01:14:21,486.7061711
Even the food that you eat, it's like, I ate that.

671
01:14:21,496.7051711 --> 01:14:25,26.7061711
It's like, You know, and also there was, we all turned out okay.

672
01:14:25,26.7061711 --> 01:14:25,596.7061711
Right.

673
01:14:25,846.7061711 --> 01:14:27,6.7061711
Well, that's debatable.

674
01:14:27,6.7061711 --> 01:14:29,856.7061711
And also the fact that food is different.

675
01:14:29,856.7061711 --> 01:14:33,456.7061711
Now chemicals are different the way they're, they're making it taste the same, but there's other stuff in it.

676
01:14:33,456.7061711 --> 01:14:35,876.7061711
Now it's like, it's not apples to apples.

677
01:14:36,671.7061711 --> 01:14:37,311.7061711
Yeah.

678
01:14:38,61.7061711 --> 01:14:39,741.7061711
It's not apples to apples.

679
01:14:39,751.7061711 --> 01:14:42,91.7061711
It's not all black and white.

680
01:14:42,101.7061711 --> 01:14:52,531.7061711
It's not really rigid anymore and it doesn't have to be, I think we can look at different options and different possibilities and say like, okay, sure.

681
01:14:52,581.7061711 --> 01:15:06,501.7061711
Traditionally and like, what even is traditionally? I mean, when we talk about like women working, um, Has it even been like a full century of, you know, women in the workplace? Uh, no.

682
01:15:07,731.7061711 --> 01:15:27,551.7061711
And so I think it's just a lot of things change and we have to be like willing to evolve with that change and see different perspectives and, you know, technology is expanding and doing who knows what, I mean, like even what we're doing right now, like podcasts were not a thing, like you could not.

683
01:15:27,841.7061711 --> 01:15:30,361.7061711
Have a career in podcasting.

684
01:15:30,371.7061711 --> 01:15:38,961.7061711
You could not, you know, have a career as a creator and, and do all of the things that are like existing right now.

685
01:15:39,671.7061711 --> 01:15:46,971.7061711
And so I think like, cause that's what I had a conversation with my dad, like recently about like, before, like I made the decision to quit and things like that.

686
01:15:47,281.7061711 --> 01:16:00,576.7061711
And I was like, you know, it's not the trajectory of like where I saw my life going, it's not like, you know, You know, what I had thought of or, I didn't go to school for it and he's like, well, you didn't even know that it existed.

687
01:16:00,586.7061711 --> 01:16:03,16.7051711
Like, you didn't even know that it was a possibility.

688
01:16:03,456.7061711 --> 01:16:11,646.7061711
So like, how were you supposed to know that this is an option or this is what you could have been doing? Because.

689
01:16:12,526.7061711 --> 01:16:27,356.7061711
When you were in high school, like, I didn't know what a doula was when I was pregnant with my daughter, let alone, like, going all the way back to high school when you're supposed to have it all figured out and choose a career and, and go down that path.

690
01:16:27,641.7061711 --> 01:16:41,651.7061711
And so I think it's like just being open to change and understanding that, like, you're allowed to make those, um, differences and changes and adjustments as, you know, you, you find out about them.

691
01:16:42,441.7061711 --> 01:16:46,201.7051711
It sounds so cheesy, but it's like, you're allowed to be the change.

692
01:16:47,891.7051711 --> 01:16:51,641.7051711
It's like, be the change, like be, they're, they're never.

693
01:16:51,866.7061711 --> 01:16:55,986.7061711
Ever has been and there never will be another you on earth.

694
01:16:56,276.7061711 --> 01:17:06,86.7061711
So the more we can really root in and be the most ourselves we can be, it's the best thing we can do for ourselves and our families and literally the planet.

695
01:17:06,86.7061711 --> 01:17:10,386.7061711
Like it sounds like a crazy thing to say, but I, I really think that.

696
01:17:10,676.7061711 --> 01:17:11,286.7061711
Yeah.

697
01:17:11,606.7061711 --> 01:17:12,76.7061711
Yeah.

698
01:17:13,31.7061711 --> 01:17:28,601.7066711
I mean, and it's fine to be in a space of being in that limbo or not sure, and you can very well, you know, like maybe listening to this and being like, well, I don't really know, what I would do, or I feel totally fine.

699
01:17:28,651.7066711 --> 01:17:31,281.7066711
I don't want to change or I don't want to do anything else.

700
01:17:31,281.7066711 --> 01:17:34,171.7056711
But I mean, if it ever comes up, like.

701
01:17:34,696.7066711 --> 01:17:38,806.7066711
You could, or are you saying that because you don't know what your other options are.

702
01:17:38,806.7066711 --> 01:17:41,376.7066711
You don't know what other possibilities could be.

703
01:17:41,376.7066711 --> 01:17:43,96.7066711
Um, but yeah.

704
01:17:43,96.7066711 --> 01:17:45,166.7066711
Just staying open and being curious.

705
01:17:45,216.7066711 --> 01:17:48,176.7056711
Like, yeah, if there's nothing pulling you, there's nothing pulling you.

706
01:17:48,176.7066711 --> 01:17:49,886.7056711
There's a spot for stillness.

707
01:17:50,96.7066711 --> 01:17:51,696.7066711
In everything there's opportunity.

708
01:17:51,716.7066711 --> 01:17:59,906.7066711
I think stillness is beautiful, but it's like before how scary it is to think about just not being aware of something that I would have loved or wanted to do.

709
01:18:00,366.7066711 --> 01:18:11,476.7066711
Just being open and being curious to whatever pops up in the awareness, just like you were and then it popped up and then you held on and you're like, okay, I'm finding a way to keep this in my everyday life.

710
01:18:11,736.7066711 --> 01:18:15,516.7066711
And now that thing that you held onto is becoming your full life.

711
01:18:16,56.7066711 --> 01:18:16,496.7066711
Yeah.

712
01:18:16,536.7066711 --> 01:18:17,6.7066711
So cool.

713
01:18:17,6.8066711 --> 01:18:18,96.7066711
What a cool cycle.

714
01:18:18,126.7066711 --> 01:18:19,36.7066711
It's really cool.

715
01:18:20,926.7066711 --> 01:18:21,656.7066711
Yeah.

716
01:18:21,666.7066711 --> 01:18:22,186.7066711
Oh my God.

717
01:18:22,196.7066711 --> 01:18:22,366.7066711
Yeah.

718
01:18:22,366.7066711 --> 01:18:24,616.7066711
Such a pleasure and a joy to talk to you about this.

719
01:18:24,616.7066711 --> 01:18:30,756.7056711
I could talk to you forever and you've been so gracious with my kids, like in the background of this call.

720
01:18:30,776.7056711 --> 01:18:31,396.7056711
I get it.

721
01:18:31,886.7066711 --> 01:18:34,226.6066711
I mean, it's probably never been this nice.

722
01:18:34,316.7066711 --> 01:18:39,646.7066711
That like, they're usually like really chill on stay put and they're showing me now.

723
01:18:39,646.7066711 --> 01:18:41,836.7066711
They're like, no, this isn't going to swing this summer.

724
01:18:44,196.7066711 --> 01:18:45,36.7066711
Hey, cash.

725
01:18:45,56.7056711 --> 01:18:50,396.7066711
Can you save that song for like five minutes from now? And I'm mommy's not recording a podcast episode.

726
01:18:51,996.7066711 --> 01:18:53,36.7056711
I can't hear anything.

727
01:18:53,36.7066711 --> 01:18:54,766.7066711
If it makes you feel better, you can't.

728
01:18:54,826.7076711 --> 01:18:55,406.7076711
Nope.

729
01:18:55,686.7056711 --> 01:18:56,476.7056711
Oh my God.

730
01:18:56,486.7066711 --> 01:18:57,326.7056711
He's singing.

731
01:18:58,216.7066711 --> 01:19:00,226.7066711
Like a Bob Dylan version of Zachary.

732
01:19:06,586.7066711 --> 01:19:08,196.7066711
Please, please, one second.

733
01:19:08,366.7066711 --> 01:19:09,456.7066711
I can't believe you can't hear that.

734
01:19:09,526.7066711 --> 01:19:10,526.7056711
That's great news.

735
01:19:10,526.7066711 --> 01:19:23,896.7066711
I mean, I'm very loud to me, but, um, uh, before we let you go, Is there anything else that feels like resonant that you want to share or is there a way that we can find you? I know you have a podcast.

736
01:19:24,206.7066711 --> 01:19:29,326.7066711
Uh, where do you hang out online? Like, how can people get more from you? Yeah.

737
01:19:29,396.7066711 --> 01:19:30,896.7056711
Um, well, definitely.

738
01:19:30,916.7066711 --> 01:19:35,206.7066711
So wherever you're listening to this podcast, you can find Entering Motherhood.

739
01:19:35,206.7066711 --> 01:19:42,126.7066711
Go over there and we chat about all things like chill, like pregnancy, postpartum, newly motherhood.

740
01:19:42,426.7066711 --> 01:19:46,426.7066711
Along those lines, uh, I usually am on Instagram.

741
01:19:46,436.7066711 --> 01:19:50,916.7066711
That is my favorite social media platform at Entering Motherhood.

742
01:19:51,326.7066711 --> 01:19:54,86.7056711
And, my website is enteringmotherhood.

743
01:19:54,106.7066711 --> 01:19:54,696.7066711
com.

744
01:19:55,286.7066711 --> 01:20:02,246.7066711
And, And yeah, that's, uh, pretty much like where I hang out, where you can find me and, uh, what I talk about there.

745
01:20:02,246.7066711 --> 01:20:04,466.7066711
But I love like connecting with other people.

746
01:20:04,466.7066711 --> 01:20:16,126.7066711
I love having conversations and, and really kind of like exploring life and, and what goes on and all the weird inner workings of our brains.

747
01:20:16,746.7066711 --> 01:20:17,936.7066711
That's something we talked about.

748
01:20:17,946.7066711 --> 01:20:18,296.7066711
It wasn't.

749
01:20:18,656.7066711 --> 01:20:23,96.7066711
Like it's called entering motherhood, but it's not really specifically entering motherhood.

750
01:20:23,96.7066711 --> 01:20:37,306.7056711
It's like entering motherhood, it's like all of it, entering this new life, this new sense of self, this new way of life, this new possibility, this, and then what comes afterwards, I mean, after the baby, then there's everything.

751
01:20:38,76.7056711 --> 01:20:38,586.7056711
Yep.

752
01:20:38,586.8056711 --> 01:20:39,386.6056711
Yep.

753
01:20:39,666.7056711 --> 01:20:39,866.7056711
Yep.

754
01:20:40,506.7066711 --> 01:20:41,656.7066711
Thank you so much.

755
01:20:41,696.7066711 --> 01:20:56,896.7056711
I cannot wait to see this lake house and see how it all rolled out to hear about how, you know, working from home with the little is going to be and we'll have to do like a part two and maybe the roles will be reversed and you'll be the one.

756
01:20:57,486.7066711 --> 01:20:59,646.7066711
Walking around your house with your microphone in your lap.

757
01:20:59,646.8066711 --> 01:21:01,396.6066711
I know.

758
01:21:01,396.7066711 --> 01:21:07,736.7061711
I'm really excited for it all and I'm super excited to just, like, be sharing more part like back to, you know, being authentic and stuff like that.

759
01:21:07,736.7061711 --> 01:21:22,346.7066711
I feel like I've had to hide a little bit of the behind the scenes work that I do because I have to put on this like forefront of like, I'm Like full time this so like if I'm out at coffee with a friend, even if it's like on my lunch break, like I feel so guilty.

760
01:21:24,236.7066711 --> 01:21:32,496.7066711
I have heard that I have heard that from many entrepreneurs that are both, you know, you know, part time entrepreneur, part time full time type of situation.

761
01:21:32,496.7066711 --> 01:21:46,906.7066711
And it's like, ah, you, you know, you're not doing anything wrong, you know that you put in the hours, but still Optics, optics, and it's like, right, like you can't possibly explore some other alternative and, you know, go out on your own passions.

762
01:21:46,906.7066711 --> 01:21:58,186.6061711
And yeah, like what gets, what does it get to feel like and look like and be like to not in any way feel this precursor to a filter? Anything.

763
01:21:58,646.7061711 --> 01:22:00,616.7061711
Oh, I can't wait.

764
01:22:02,466.7061711 --> 01:22:03,276.7061711
I'm excited.

765
01:22:03,326.7061711 --> 01:22:04,36.7061711
Oh, my gosh.

766
01:22:04,46.7061711 --> 01:22:04,876.7061711
Thank you so much, Sarah.

767
01:22:04,886.7061711 --> 01:22:07,606.7061711
All the information from Sarah will be in the show notes.

768
01:22:07,936.7061711 --> 01:22:11,256.7061711
And, um, yeah, go over and check out Entering Motherhood.

769
01:22:11,276.7061711 --> 01:22:13,586.7061711
All Things Sarah is all things magic for me.

770
01:22:16,716.7061711 --> 01:22:16,736.7061711
Bye.

771
01:22:17,571.581171 --> 01:22:20,791.581171
This has been an Awkward Sage Production.