EP 100 Reflection & Deconditioning Art, Business, & Parenting with Megan Moran

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the idea that truth much like art there's no, Definition.

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There's no, it's, it's subjective and objective at the same time.

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There is no, like it, it is just this other dimension, and you know, it like, you know, it in your body and you don't have to defend it.

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You don't have to, substantiate it.

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You don't have to make it make sense to other people.

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And I think we waste a lot of life force and life energy trying to do that, but mostly.

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to ourselves.

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Like, I think it's really easy to villainize me.

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Like, Oh, I was trying to prove myself to XYZ And I think at the end of the end of the end of the end of the day, you're doing that because you're desperately wanting to prove to yourself.

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Help Me See is a podcast dedicated to the art of seeing.

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It's a space for the restless visionary with an insatiable desire to create the life and work you're meant for.

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My name is Bianca Lea Mora, and I'm a photographic artist, a mother, and a coach who's transformed my fear of loss into power, art, and philosophy.

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One of the scariest quotes I never want to say is, I wish I knew at the time, but I truly believe that we have the innate ability to bring our wise 2020 hindsight to our now.

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You can deeply experience your nostalgia now, while it's actually happening, with no regrets.

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All you have to do is see.

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In this show, we laugh, we cry, we get inspired, we overshare, we have life changing conversations around making meaning, self discovery, and shedding all the BS layers in order to reconnect to our own sacred vision.

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Seeing yourself is an essential key to living powerfully.

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You are the vessel, the lens that filters absolutely everything in your life.

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What are you filtering for? Whether it be conversations with fellow artists and visionaries, or my solo audio journal style introspective ramblings, each episode is meant to feel like an exhale, an unraveling of truth, a moment for you to be able to put your finger on something that you haven't been able to for far too long.

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Come exactly as you are.

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It's perfect.

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Honor your instincts.

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Let's uncover some of the most important things in our lives which all too often can slip out from our view.

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Let's commit to seeing and consciously creating what only you can in your one and only life.

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Let's dive in.

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Hello.

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Hello and welcome to.

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An episode of help me see, that's a very special episode and I just realized.

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Two minutes before he started to record this.

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That it's the hundredth episode.

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What.

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A hundred episodes.

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I've done this a hundred times.

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Wow.

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Oh, my goodness.

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So this episode in and of itself, wasn't intentionally planned.

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Um, As the hundredth episode, of course.

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Because I don't think that far ahead.

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And it was not keeping track, but.

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We do have a guest today.

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My dear friend, Megan Maryanne.

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Is on and we're having a super candid.

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Behind the scenes chat.

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About everything and nothing.

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I am.

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Photographing and speaking at a.

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Podcasting conference that she is co-hosting in Nashville.

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And I had come to the studio to record a little bit of an intro.

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Um, The four.

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A private podcast that she's sending out to.

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To the attendees and.

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And while we were there, I was like, yeah, we're, we're all warmed up chatting.

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Let's just keep rolling and continuing our conversation.

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And this is just what came of it.

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It's just two friends talking about.

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Deconditioning in all of the areas in, in art, in business, in motherhood.

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And during the conversation we end up.

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Coming into a realization, Of some subconscious programming that was going on that wasn't intended and it was pretty interesting.

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I feel really fortunate to be able to have, These really authentic relationships where.

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We feel open and honest and comfortable enough to just stumble upon these.

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These.

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Deeply personal.

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Topics.

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Megan and her husband, Collin owned mompreneur co and they have a podcasting studio right here in chagrin falls, Ohio, and they produce.

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Podcast.

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She's a sub stack creator.

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Um, she's into the slow living mom movement and.

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We have a really juicy chat about.

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What it means to.

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Consciously engage in your life and your work.

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And your.

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Parenthood.

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But before we get into that.

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I wanted to take a second to reflect.

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On the last hundred episodes.

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You know, part of me.

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Wishes.

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I had something like really profound to say, and I'm.

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I can come to you and say, and after a hundred episodes, I've realized that this whole time.

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I've been working towards this and trying to do this.

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And I realized, or I thought I was doing this, but really I'm doing this.

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I don't know.

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I I, sometimes I feel like I know.

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And most of the time, I feel like I.

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I have no idea.

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What the fuck I'm doing? All I know is.

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I come here to be true.

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And I come here.

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Because when I'm really, really, really, really committed to doing.

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Is.

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For.

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I'd say better or for worse.

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I'm committed to going first.

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In whatever I need to go first in.

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For the honest expression of myself.

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And also for love.

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And for empowerment.

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And comfort for others.

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You know, I feel like the seed was planted.

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I mean long before this, but this, the seed about.

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Feeling that pressure cooker feeling of like, I just have to say this.

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I just have to say this.

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Um, began.

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In my postpartum.

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when I was so, so.

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Depressed and alienated and scared.

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And.

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And help people.

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Well, meaningly telling me.

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Oh, it must have been so lovely.

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You must be so happy.

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And I would have to say no, it was really a terrible time.

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It's so important.

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I know that when I'm.

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Leading communication.

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During a photo session when I'm.

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Uh, helping a client get in touch with what would be most meaningful to capture.

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I have to go first.

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I have to lay my arms open and.

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Be vulnerable and say, what's really on my heart.

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For my highest good and intention for the work and for the person and for myself.

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And.

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That is what is most important to me? I think that.

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If I could just a shred help.

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Someone.

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Get in touch with.

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Uh, thought that they might be shaming themselves with, or, um, possibly haven't.

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Allowed themselves to be okay with.

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Or feel.

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It also gives me permission to do it myself.

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It's like with my.

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Family photo work.

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Oftentimes, I feel like.

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Witnessing other families reminds me how to cherish my own.

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I just finished rewatching.

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This Andrew Wyeth documentary.

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And.

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I don't know exactly if this was going to work well, but I'm going to play a snippet from the last piece of it.

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Because it is so beautiful.

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And so important.

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Uh, Andrew Wyeth, the painter, his work is absolutely stunning.

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If you haven't seen this documentary, I really recommend it.

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Uh, it's called Wyeth and it's on, I watched it on Amazon prime.

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Here, let me.

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Let me see.

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It was true.

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I love this universal.

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Why is pictures always captured? They stare at them.

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Just roam around in them.

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When we did the exhibition at the museum, it actually was not unusual to find people in tears in front of the paintings.

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Overtly sad.

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It opens up.

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Memories and people, and I think that's one of the powers in his work is that.

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The notion that he thinks into the picture allows people to unlock emotion zero.

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If you look at the light.

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On the corner.

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And the window.

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And grown on.

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Anywhere really? History of art.

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No words compared to what he did.

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Light travels.

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Eight minutes.

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From the sun.

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The atmosphere.

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Through that window.

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And struck the side of that.

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Wonderful.

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Got it.

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It is to be in a surrounding.

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Breathe in.

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If you're lucky.

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And you're perceptive enough to catch.

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I'm really painting my own life.

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Oh, my gosh.

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When that.

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Gentlemen was describing how he painted the light coming through the window, hitting the wall of the corner of one of his paintings.

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And explaining that there is nothing in any book.

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By any art critic.

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I think that comes close to even comparing.

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To what he did.

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Like.

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I think that's what we're after here.

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That's what we're after here, this is.

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It's not about.

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Performing.

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It's not about.

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Being.

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The best we can be.

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This is about.

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Being.

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The truest.

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We can be, this is about.

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Living a life of our own.

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And as creatives and an artist, it is.

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Of the utmost importance.

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To take your.

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Instincts.

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Your.

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Sensitivity.

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Your love.

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Your urges.

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Extremely seriously.

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The work that you do.

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Is so.

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Lytle.

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Too.

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00:13:29,9.84226984 --> 00:13:34,139.84226984
A universe of people that you'll never ever be able to understand.

208
00:13:39,59.84226984 --> 00:13:39,479.84226984
No.

209
00:13:39,899.84226984 --> 00:13:42,599.84226984
I still cry.

210
00:13:43,229.84226984 --> 00:13:47,129.84226984
Over my favorite photographer being passed.

211
00:13:47,129.84226984 --> 00:13:50,39.84226984
And I, I went to his retrospective and I just.

212
00:13:50,849.84226984 --> 00:13:51,479.84226984
Cried.

213
00:13:52,769.84226984 --> 00:13:54,659.84226984
It means so much to me.

214
00:13:55,409.84226984 --> 00:13:55,979.84226984
And.

215
00:13:58,109.84226984 --> 00:14:00,719.84226984
Who knows if he understood his impact or not.

216
00:14:04,379.84226984 --> 00:14:06,419.84226984
But he didn't really need to understand it.

217
00:14:06,419.84226984 --> 00:14:08,699.84226984
All he needed to do was be.

218
00:14:09,929.84226984 --> 00:14:10,529.84226984
True.

219
00:14:11,99.84226984 --> 00:14:17,489.84226984
To himself and create the work that was most himself and be the person.

220
00:14:17,969.84226984 --> 00:14:19,109.84226984
Creating the work.

221
00:14:19,409.84226984 --> 00:14:20,699.84226984
That was most him.

222
00:14:23,299.84226984 --> 00:14:25,99.84226984
I really hope by.

223
00:14:25,99.84226984 --> 00:14:28,459.84226984
Sharing, uh, my heart and my.

224
00:14:28,459.84226984 --> 00:14:30,469.84226984
Rants and my.

225
00:14:30,469.84226984 --> 00:14:32,329.84226984
Inquiry with you.

226
00:14:34,509.84226984 --> 00:14:37,869.84226984
In the most raw and unrehearsed and.

227
00:14:37,869.84226984 --> 00:14:38,919.84226984
Truthful way.

228
00:14:40,719.84226984 --> 00:14:44,79.84226984
That you're able to subconsciously understand how.

229
00:14:44,79.84226984 --> 00:14:45,279.84226984
Valuable.

230
00:14:46,809.84226984 --> 00:14:47,739.84226984
You are.

231
00:14:48,579.84226984 --> 00:14:50,379.84226984
In your RA.

232
00:14:51,159.84226984 --> 00:14:52,269.84226984
Unrehearsed.

233
00:14:52,269.84226984 --> 00:14:54,699.84226984
As you are, as you are, as you are way.

234
00:14:58,749.84226984 --> 00:14:59,769.84226984
Thank you.

235
00:15:01,509.84226984 --> 00:15:02,499.84226984
For spending.

236
00:15:03,279.84226984 --> 00:15:04,629.84226984
Your time with me.

237
00:15:04,629.84226984 --> 00:15:07,239.84226984
Time is the most precious thing.

238
00:15:07,239.84226984 --> 00:15:08,199.84226984
That we have.

239
00:15:08,289.84226984 --> 00:15:09,99.84226984
And.

240
00:15:09,99.84226984 --> 00:15:14,139.84226984
Being in your earbuds or in your car? Or.

241
00:15:14,769.84226984 --> 00:15:16,929.84226984
Around the house with you as you do your chores.

242
00:15:17,589.84226984 --> 00:15:22,539.84226984
Is one of the most beautiful privileges I could.

243
00:15:24,369.84226984 --> 00:15:25,299.84226984
I could think of.

244
00:15:26,349.84226984 --> 00:15:27,99.84226984
In this work.

245
00:15:27,819.84226984 --> 00:15:28,599.84226984
So, thank you.

246
00:15:29,79.84226984 --> 00:15:30,429.84226984
I look forward to.

247
00:15:30,729.84226984 --> 00:15:33,519.84226984
Uh, the next hundred episodes and.

248
00:15:35,529.84226984 --> 00:15:38,409.84226984
I hope you enjoy this.

249
00:15:38,409.84226984 --> 00:15:41,589.84226984
Off the cuff convo with my dear friend, Megan Moran.

250
00:15:42,762.98802316 --> 00:16:14,932.98902316
It's so fascinating how we're all like intelligent super smart, you know people and yet You just have no idea, what areas of your life you have this blind spot in that you don't realize that you're, operating under all of the, like, it's just so put on you that, to be concise, and to be consistent, and to be this, and to be that, that, like, you, you don't even stop to think that you're making a wrong choice because you're not even making a choice, you're just doing.

251
00:16:14,942.98902316 --> 00:16:15,582.98902316
Right, yeah.

252
00:16:15,583.08902316 --> 00:16:15,647.88902316
Yeah.

253
00:16:16,247.98902316 --> 00:16:33,217.98902316
I was thinking about this the other day, and I went to VoxReview this, isn't it so funny? How long did I take to, like, finally do Substack? How long did I talk about it? And then how long did I take to finally do it? And then now, I can't shut up about it.

254
00:16:35,137.98902316 --> 00:16:43,127.9890232
Like, all the conditioning that held me back, and like part of that, right, like now that was like the name, was really what was holding me back.

255
00:16:43,397.9890232 --> 00:16:50,402.8890232
And like, I'm happy, I'm so happy with where I landed with it.

256
00:16:50,402.9890232 --> 00:16:55,42.9880232
And, like, what if I would have just done, like, Yeah.

257
00:16:55,192.9880232 --> 00:16:57,352.9880232
Not to, not to, like, think back of, like, Yeah.

258
00:16:57,352.9890232 --> 00:16:59,512.8890232
Where would I be if I just, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

259
00:16:59,512.9890232 --> 00:17:10,37.8890232
Like, I thought about that the other day of, like, isn't it so funny? It's like, if we listen to our voxer six months ago, the way that I talked about stuff back then, versus now.

260
00:17:11,77.9890232 --> 00:17:17,127.9890232
Yeah, I forget one of the like, like coming up on the end of that before you started.

261
00:17:17,127.9890232 --> 00:17:19,647.9880232
I remember, I forget what did I say? And I was just like.

262
00:17:20,827.9890232 --> 00:17:21,957.9890232
I think you just do it.

263
00:17:22,17.9890232 --> 00:17:25,217.9890232
Yeah, you did, you were like, you just need to freaking do it.

264
00:17:25,247.9890232 --> 00:17:26,307.9890232
Stop talking about it.

265
00:17:26,307.9890232 --> 00:17:27,627.9890232
You're probably so done.

266
00:17:27,837.9880232 --> 00:17:28,837.9890232
Like, here, you talk about it.

267
00:17:29,517.9890232 --> 00:17:34,767.9880232
No, it was just like, it's hilarious how, like, the sustained energy in talking about it.

268
00:17:34,777.9890232 --> 00:17:35,717.9890232
Right, right.

269
00:17:35,927.9890232 --> 00:17:37,637.9890232
You could talk about this through it.

270
00:17:37,707.9890232 --> 00:17:43,22.9890232
Like, maybe you should just Get on the mic and You get a crazy lunatic.

271
00:17:43,562.9890232 --> 00:17:57,912.9890232
No, but I, I remember when you were really hemming and hawing over the name because, and I totally relate, cause that's how I get what I'm like making, whether it's like a course or a program or a, a masterclass, I need that visual, like I'll start to outline.

272
00:17:57,912.9890232 --> 00:18:00,822.9890232
And then all of a sudden I'm like, I have to stop and find a cover photo.

273
00:18:00,852.9890232 --> 00:18:03,672.9890232
Cause I'm like, I need a visual identity to like grab on to.

274
00:18:04,142.9890232 --> 00:18:06,312.9890232
Um, and that's what that title was for you.

275
00:18:06,322.9890232 --> 00:18:07,342.9890232
So yeah, I get it.

276
00:18:08,82.9890232 --> 00:18:14,872.9890232
It's funny, I think about it a lot with that kind of stuff of like, it really feels like a bird thing.

277
00:18:15,752.9890232 --> 00:18:47,227.9890232
Something, you know, it's like, or like, like the diamond, like how it takes up like the pressure to create the diamond or whatever, not saying that my thing is like beautiful and perfect or anything like that, but, you know, it's like I, I, Is it the hard work narrative? Is it that I'm making it harder on myself? And then when I push through that, then I can finally create? Or is it kind of like birth and like the, the diamond situation where it's like you need that pressure and for it all to like, pfft, finally, like, you know what I mean? Like create the thing.

278
00:18:47,767.9890232 --> 00:18:48,187.9890232
Mm.

279
00:18:50,507.9890232 --> 00:18:52,587.9890232
I think it's everything.

280
00:18:52,617.9890232 --> 00:18:55,817.9890232
And I also think it's like, um, this.

281
00:18:57,42.9890232 --> 00:19:06,972.9900232
this twisted tango of like going back and forth with your subconscious programming still.

282
00:19:07,12.9900232 --> 00:19:17,772.9890232
Out of intent for the work in itself, to want to make it something and craft in that way, but also especially when it comes to so, because it's a social thing, right? Right.

283
00:19:17,902.9880232 --> 00:19:42,977.9890232
How is this going to be? Consumed and like considering it's, I think that creators today have way more of a different, what's the word? It's just like a different paradigm because as much as I don't think consciously about how it's going to be consumed.

284
00:19:43,497.9890232 --> 00:19:48,497.9890232
I think about how much more, how much closer that is to my psyche than it would have been.

285
00:19:48,862.9890232 --> 00:19:57,342.9890232
To anyone, like 10 years ago, because it's just like instant, well, even more than 10 years ago, 20 years ago, like instantly you're just like, and this goes out.

286
00:19:57,342.9890232 --> 00:20:05,312.9890232
And then what is that person's next step? Or what is that? It's just like so quickly you're ahead of yourself and you're taking yourself out of that instant.

287
00:20:05,342.9890232 --> 00:20:08,732.9890232
And it's just, it's like the business.

288
00:20:09,412.9890232 --> 00:20:11,942.9890232
of it has all gotten too close.

289
00:20:12,252.9890232 --> 00:21:27,572.9890232
Like thinking about, yeah, like if you think about, I don't know, I'm going to butcher this and you're going to be better at this than me, but like Michelangelo or like we think about artists then who did it for the love of the creation and like the, the, this is my art, not like in a hoity toity sense, but just like, this is, Like I have to create this I have to like this is just my thing no matter what and I feel like now it's been so Business ized that's my new word like It's just everybody's having to think about it in that way because some people who have a business are now Being quote unquote forced to be a creator, even though I think we both agree like we're all creatives But it's like having to show up in this Like thinking of it in the businessy way and I'm sure some of that too is just like the area that we live in You know, I mean that and I think that we wrap up our identity with with our work as well obviously and I think especially now there's such a strong narrative of whether you're all in or not my Making what you love a business.

290
00:21:28,232.9890232 --> 00:21:39,497.9890232
I think that it's real really Uh, understated the value of maintaining like a full time job that doesn't like drain you.

291
00:21:39,507.9880232 --> 00:21:59,877.9890232
Like when you find something that is able to provide you stability and support that If that's something that you truly need, if in that way, whilst pursuing something else at the same time, whether it's just for joy or because you're trying to build it up, I just think that's such a, it's, I think that's been a disservice to a lot of people.

292
00:22:00,237.9890232 --> 00:22:00,747.9890232
Um.

293
00:22:01,392.9890232 --> 00:22:09,522.9890232
Um, just this idea that like, Oh, if you're committed to it or it's only real if you're doing it full time and you're not working a full time job also.

294
00:22:09,932.9890232 --> 00:22:16,402.9890232
Um, and I just think that it's just so different from person to person and I don't know.

295
00:22:16,462.9890232 --> 00:22:17,722.9890232
I'm curious.

296
00:22:17,762.9880232 --> 00:22:26,142.9890232
I don't know when I would have pulled the trigger, uh, because I was laid off and then that's when I decided like, no, I will not pursue another full time job.

297
00:22:26,152.9890232 --> 00:22:32,152.9890232
But I also, um, very much welcoming income.

298
00:22:32,737.9890232 --> 00:22:36,887.9890232
That's not solely from my personal business, like, but I've decided what that is.

299
00:22:36,887.9890232 --> 00:22:51,657.9880232
Like, where is that open capacity? Where is that energy for me to know that I'm going to put in work doing this, but it's not going to drain passion for my personal work and, um, finding that balance is so important.

300
00:22:52,137.9890232 --> 00:22:52,497.9890232
Yeah.

301
00:22:53,7.9890232 --> 00:23:04,922.9890232
Well, and it's interesting how we come, like there's so many facets of us, of That come from the opposite sides like you came from the art wheel art world Your degree is in art.

302
00:23:04,922.9890232 --> 00:23:24,437.9890232
Like we've had these conversations of how You have said to me like you don't look at that as your art and now I do because you've opened my eyes to it But like because we come from the different worlds, right and then where I come from the business world So like I'm looking at things true, you know, like we're on These things have been merged together, but we were trained on opposite ends of it.

303
00:23:24,487.9890232 --> 00:23:25,67.9890232
Yeah.

304
00:23:25,87.9890232 --> 00:23:31,787.9890232
Which makes sense why it's like helpful when we're together, right? Because like, you can lend that expertise to me and I can lend the opposite to you.

305
00:23:32,17.9880232 --> 00:23:32,627.9880232
I haven't thought of it like that.

306
00:23:33,967.9890232 --> 00:23:38,847.8890232
I'm just thinking about it like, so what you're saying, so what you're saying.

307
00:23:38,927.9890232 --> 00:23:58,487.9890232
But like also with that too, I think is interesting, uh, because we are on kind of opposite ends of that too with, um, like, I have not gone back to any or like had any opportunities again in a quote unquote corporate role.

308
00:23:58,487.9890232 --> 00:23:58,727.9890232
Right.

309
00:23:58,727.9890232 --> 00:24:01,567.9890232
You know what I mean? Like I've not, like I left and I left.

310
00:24:01,877.9890232 --> 00:24:02,147.9890232
Yeah.

311
00:24:02,187.9890232 --> 00:24:07,527.9880232
And so that, I think that's so interesting too that like that narrative is very prominent for you.

312
00:24:07,947.9880232 --> 00:24:08,527.9880232
Yes.

313
00:24:08,897.9890232 --> 00:24:13,477.9890232
Whereas for me, it's like not even a thought that comes up like I, they wouldn't have even thought about that.

314
00:24:13,477.9890232 --> 00:24:15,687.9890232
I hear what you're saying and I totally can relate.

315
00:24:17,62.9890232 --> 00:24:17,532.9890232
Yes.

316
00:24:17,932.9890232 --> 00:24:19,842.9890232
And it's, isn't, like, even a thing.

317
00:24:20,72.9890232 --> 00:24:20,762.9890232
It's not even something I think about.

318
00:24:20,762.9890232 --> 00:24:26,282.9890232
Yeah, like, it's a substantial, like, column in my brain, and you're like, it doesn't even exist in mine.

319
00:24:26,312.9890232 --> 00:24:26,542.9890232
Yeah.

320
00:24:26,592.9890232 --> 00:24:38,817.9890232
Like, I remember coming out of, uh, art school, uh, I had a job as a pho photo editor for For a few years, and there was a narrative that failed photographers or photo editors.

321
00:24:38,897.9890232 --> 00:24:43,77.9880232
I was like, what the fuck? Excuse me.

322
00:24:43,77.9880232 --> 00:24:46,987.9880232
That, first of all, how insulting to the art of photo editing.

323
00:24:47,877.9890232 --> 00:24:51,487.9880232
Because that in and of itself is just like its own art form.

324
00:24:51,487.9880232 --> 00:24:55,312.8890232
And it, I don't know, just all of this, all of these.

325
00:24:56,182.9890232 --> 00:25:08,832.9890232
Preconceived judgments at the more, the older I get, the more it's so funny because I'm like anxious, neurotic person, but also like, so hippie at the same time.

326
00:25:09,202.9890232 --> 00:25:17,142.9890232
I'm like any rule, any authority, any like political type of like structure.

327
00:25:17,222.9890232 --> 00:25:27,962.9890232
And I just have no patience for, and I'm just like, if you're not open and curious, then you're really doing yourself a disservice in life.

328
00:25:29,67.9890232 --> 00:25:30,947.9890232
Yeah, yeah, it is.

329
00:25:30,967.9890232 --> 00:25:37,277.9890232
It is interesting as I've been leaning into the like and like both can be two things can be true at the same time.

330
00:25:37,287.9890232 --> 00:25:38,517.9890232
Yes, you know.

331
00:25:38,527.9890232 --> 00:25:38,947.9890232
Yes.

332
00:25:39,187.9890232 --> 00:25:39,777.9890232
Yes.

333
00:25:39,917.9890232 --> 00:25:43,7.9890232
It's an interesting dichotomy.

334
00:25:43,317.9890232 --> 00:26:03,402.9890232
So I'm now that fine as how many minutes in I'm like that's where I would love to like house this conversation on this land of like the combination of business and art coming from someone that ha you have for your whole life.

335
00:26:03,522.9890232 --> 00:26:03,612.9890232
Mm-Hmm.

336
00:26:03,882.9890232 --> 00:26:07,362.9890232
have very much lived in the entrepreneurial world.

337
00:26:07,452.9890232 --> 00:26:07,632.9890232
Yeah.

338
00:26:07,632.9890232 --> 00:26:09,192.9890232
That's how you were raised.

339
00:26:09,672.9890232 --> 00:26:16,82.9890232
Um, and to think that only now, have you started to look at it as your art? Mm-Hmm.

340
00:26:16,327.9890232 --> 00:26:16,742.9890232
I don't know.

341
00:26:16,742.9890232 --> 00:26:18,902.9890232
Just like, say more about that.

342
00:26:18,902.9890232 --> 00:26:23,342.9890232
Maybe give a little bit of just context of what that before or after might look like.

343
00:26:23,342.9890232 --> 00:26:28,952.9890232
What actually changed your, you know, perspective and what, because I think a lot of times.

344
00:26:29,427.9890232 --> 00:26:34,17.9890232
When I'm like no everyone's creative and everyone's an artist people like oh, yeah.

345
00:26:34,17.9890232 --> 00:26:34,407.9890232
Yeah.

346
00:26:34,607.9890232 --> 00:26:38,907.9880232
Yeah But like what actually shifted that for you and you're like, no, I get it.

347
00:26:39,37.9880232 --> 00:27:09,802.9890232
Yes, I am I mean the first thing that comes to mind is just you like I don't know if it's just like us having worked together and Like being around each other and talking all the time and all of that I don't know if I can think of a specific moment, but I know there are so many times where I've written it down, like on my running list of content I have, and a phrase that I've been saying to clients now is like, but is this your art? You know, and I've said that to Colin, my husband specifically, when he's like editing stuff.

348
00:27:10,382.9890232 --> 00:27:13,252.9890232
Especially because I've been at this for like 15 years.

349
00:27:13,262.9890232 --> 00:27:27,917.9890232
So I'm, I can more quickly and easily distinguish like what is it that lights me up versus what is it that drains me? What is it that I want to do? What is it that I do not want to do? Versus like he's just starting and being the co founder in this so he's just He's just at the beginning and is still learning.

350
00:27:28,227.9890232 --> 00:27:49,787.9890232
And so that's been a filter that I've been using for myself and for others of like, but is this your art? Like, is this your thing that like nobody else, you would never outsource, I guess is the other phrase that I started to use to myself, like noticing and being okay with like, what's the stuff that I don't ever want to outsource because they feel like it is my thing.

351
00:27:49,797.9890232 --> 00:27:55,722.9890232
And then where can I let go and be like, okay, I don't, It's an important part of that process, but I don't need to do it.

352
00:27:56,222.9890232 --> 00:28:07,922.9880232
Um, and I think it's also been a double layered transition for me because of my whole life up until now was all my art was fashion and styling.

353
00:28:08,562.9890232 --> 00:28:13,982.8890232
And so then that was like a total tailspin when I left that business behind and I didn't know.

354
00:28:15,372.9890232 --> 00:28:19,852.9890232
My, my passion, it sounds so dumb every time I say it, but like, my passion was fashion.

355
00:28:20,122.9890232 --> 00:28:24,82.8890232
Versus, I hate when I have to say it, but it's, it is what it is.

356
00:28:24,82.9890232 --> 00:28:26,532.9890232
Like, I was just, You're like, I don't want that to rhyme.

357
00:28:26,533.0890232 --> 00:28:30,232.9890232
Ugh, I don't, I love rhyming things and that's the one time I don't like it to rhyme.

358
00:28:30,632.9890232 --> 00:28:31,862.8890232
Um, but.

359
00:28:33,42.9890232 --> 00:28:35,692.9890232
My passion was fashion for so long.

360
00:28:37,612.9890232 --> 00:28:43,852.9880232
And it was really hard to then go like it was, that was very linear, right? Like it was very obvious.

361
00:28:43,902.9890232 --> 00:28:46,872.9890232
That was my art that is viewed as an art form.

362
00:28:47,472.9890232 --> 00:28:54,482.9890232
I'm like, so what me blabbing on is an art form now? Because that's all I really want to do is talk and share.

363
00:28:54,482.9890232 --> 00:28:56,612.9890232
And so I think I had to like, I don't know.

364
00:28:56,622.9890232 --> 00:28:58,802.9890232
I didn't know what that could look like at the beginning.

365
00:28:58,802.9890232 --> 00:29:00,692.9890232
I guess it was similar to my journey to styling.

366
00:29:00,692.9890232 --> 00:29:00,722.9890232
Like.

367
00:29:01,167.9890232 --> 00:29:08,727.9890232
I decided in fourth grade, because I'm a lunatic, that that was what I was going to do, but it wasn't like, you didn't know about stylists, like, all of that stuff.

368
00:29:08,727.9890232 --> 00:29:17,737.9880232
So anyways, I had to kind of uncover that, I guess, for myself, like, when I found podcasting, and I realized, oh, I can talk and share and support people in that.

369
00:29:17,737.9890232 --> 00:29:25,997.9890232
And then, then more and more I did it, then I realized, and like, got feedback of, this is a different interview than I've ever had before.

370
00:29:26,37.9890232 --> 00:29:32,82.9890232
Like, from other guests and it was just, I don't know, one foot in front of the other to be like, Oh, this is valid.

371
00:29:32,82.9890232 --> 00:29:34,122.9890232
Oh, this is my art.

372
00:29:34,192.9890232 --> 00:29:36,502.9890232
Oh, my way of curating things.

373
00:29:36,502.9890232 --> 00:29:45,2.9890232
I can see akin to my styling days and that that is a through line that it wasn't that it was the fashion styling, but it's just like a piece of me.

374
00:29:45,32.9900232 --> 00:29:50,862.9890232
And like, that is something that I cannot explain to other people how I do that or make those connections.

375
00:29:50,872.9890232 --> 00:29:53,482.9885232
So therefore that is an art form.

376
00:29:53,482.9885232 --> 00:29:55,872.9890232
And that is like something that's.

377
00:29:56,392.9890232 --> 00:29:58,142.9890232
That's the magic and golden me.

378
00:29:58,142.9890232 --> 00:30:06,682.9890232
And so then to take that further down the line, then that's when it's like, okay, how do I help other people see that too? And that word art is just beautiful.

379
00:30:07,787.9890232 --> 00:30:08,197.9890232
I don't know.

380
00:30:08,217.9890232 --> 00:30:10,917.9890232
I feel like a really good bridge to encapsulate it.

381
00:30:10,917.9890232 --> 00:30:23,527.9880232
Cause it's like, you know what art is, but then how do you apply it to yourself in business? So I don't really know what the catalyst was other than like you being around you, who is a self proclaimed artist.

382
00:30:23,527.9880232 --> 00:30:24,817.9890232
Like that's the world you come from.

383
00:30:24,817.9890232 --> 00:30:30,567.9890232
That's what you like you, that's what you are, you know, I think.

384
00:30:30,627.9890232 --> 00:30:30,937.9890232
Yeah.

385
00:30:30,937.9890232 --> 00:30:43,497.9890232
It's weird to be such a triggering word, right? It's funny though, because I, I also think that people have such different I mean, every, every word someone has a different experience of and perception of, but.

386
00:30:44,92.9890232 --> 00:30:53,512.9890232
It's funny, like even like some of the earlier times of us hanging out, just watching you speak with someone and like the way you take notes, like what happens with your eyes.

387
00:30:53,512.9890232 --> 00:30:54,472.9890232
I'm like, Oh, that's her art.

388
00:30:54,552.9890232 --> 00:30:58,592.9880232
Like immediately, like it's just like, you just can see like what's alchemizing it.

389
00:30:58,592.9890232 --> 00:31:05,132.9890232
Like one of my favorite things in the world is to watch like a painter's eyes when they're working, like not even their hands, their eyes.

390
00:31:05,142.9890232 --> 00:31:06,92.9890232
I'm like, Oh my God.

391
00:31:06,92.9890232 --> 00:31:10,992.9890232
It's just so you can just see when someone like glazes over and goes into this like.

392
00:31:11,332.9890232 --> 00:31:15,982.9890232
Other dimension that is like their truest, deepest like flow self.

393
00:31:15,982.9890232 --> 00:31:16,372.9890232
Yeah.

394
00:31:16,422.9890232 --> 00:31:20,312.9890232
And it really is like anything, like whatever, whatever that is.

395
00:31:20,322.9890232 --> 00:31:38,22.9890232
Like, I just think we have such, um, like even the art world in general, like I remember feeling so annoyed because I love documenting family so much and I feel like family photography had such a thing about it.

396
00:31:38,72.9890232 --> 00:32:05,237.9890232
Yeah, it's interesting an ebb and flow there Yeah, but I think that's an interesting thing with you is your perspective, right? Like again coming from the business world not from this art world Like those are not even Like what you, what we were saying before with, um, like the pillar in your mind of, of where, uh, having a job and, uh, your passion, it's just not even something I would even have even ever thought about because it's not conversations that have been in my world.

397
00:32:05,237.9890232 --> 00:32:11,897.9890232
Like when, even with you saying like, oh, art can, that word can mean so much to different people.

398
00:32:12,267.9890232 --> 00:32:15,87.9890232
Like it, it wasn't even a conscious thing for me.

399
00:32:15,127.9890232 --> 00:32:19,457.9890232
It just was like, I just never even thought about the word, I guess.

400
00:32:19,557.9890232 --> 00:32:19,827.9890232
Yeah.

401
00:32:19,828.0890232 --> 00:32:21,302.8890232
Until we.

402
00:32:22,422.9890232 --> 00:32:35,342.9890232
Talked about it more and what has the word given you I think it's helped me like, you know, we're like, we live in the slow living lane and the feminine business lane.

403
00:32:35,372.9880232 --> 00:32:42,502.9880232
And you know how, I mean, you met me like a year into my mindset work.

404
00:32:43,252.9880232 --> 00:32:45,432.9890232
And even then, you know, how linear.

405
00:32:45,742.9890232 --> 00:32:52,412.9890232
I have been and like how business y I have been and strategy and all that.

406
00:32:52,412.9890232 --> 00:33:03,762.9890232
And so I think it's like a softening, I think is the best word, you know, like leaning into seeing that like, Oh, this is my art and like detangling my self worth and my achievement.

407
00:33:03,772.9890232 --> 00:33:17,882.9890232
And like, I was thinking about this when I had the massage, um, today, the conversation we were having earlier about like, What triggers me? Yeah, and it's at the end of the day.

408
00:33:17,882.9890232 --> 00:33:23,652.9890232
I think it's about like me It's the achievement.

409
00:33:24,512.9890232 --> 00:33:36,892.9890232
It's when your business reaches This height it is this Empire it is this money like then it's like see I'm worthy see this was legit See, I'm not crazy.

410
00:33:37,22.9890232 --> 00:33:40,307.9890232
Like that is the proof Was my old narrative.

411
00:33:40,327.9890232 --> 00:33:40,697.9890232
Yeah.

412
00:33:41,7.9890232 --> 00:33:55,497.9880232
And I think by looking at it as art, by understanding slow living, by going into feminine business, like, all of these things have allowed me to soften what I feel and hope, see the true picture of it, of like, those markers don't make that.

413
00:33:56,592.9890232 --> 00:34:02,312.9890232
Narrative true, like the worthiness, like it is true.

414
00:34:02,312.9890232 --> 00:34:07,632.9890232
Does that make sense? Yeah, like definition of success, definition of art, definition of achievement.

415
00:34:08,22.9890232 --> 00:34:14,802.9890232
Right, yeah, like for me, they're like subconsciously and not, and consciously.

416
00:34:15,72.9890232 --> 00:34:23,212.9890232
The answer to like, when will you have made it or whatever is when I can prove that I have this multi million dollar business and all this stuff.

417
00:34:23,242.9890232 --> 00:34:24,72.9890232
Right, right.

418
00:34:24,82.9890232 --> 00:34:24,852.9890232
And now I'm like.

419
00:34:25,407.9890232 --> 00:34:38,197.9890232
Or what if it just looks like me being with my family all day and supporting people and doing what I love but like actually just living my life, not like trying to prove anything.

420
00:34:38,377.9880232 --> 00:34:38,857.9880232
Right.

421
00:34:39,827.9890232 --> 00:34:40,587.9890232
Yeah.

422
00:34:40,717.9880232 --> 00:34:51,217.9890232
I think that I, I have such a unique relationship with, um, I don't know, just goal setting.

423
00:34:51,327.9890232 --> 00:34:57,227.9890232
I just don't, I have such trouble like setting goals because like, It sounds so weird.

424
00:34:57,357.9890232 --> 00:35:00,17.9890232
I'm like, I'm like too cool to care.

425
00:35:00,597.9890232 --> 00:35:01,267.9890232
It really is.

426
00:35:01,267.9890232 --> 00:35:02,657.9890232
Like you've said this before though.

427
00:35:03,127.9890232 --> 00:35:12,587.9890232
Like it doesn't, it feels like I'm putting on an act with myself if I make something a goal because it doesn't feel like, I know I don't really care.

428
00:35:13,167.9890232 --> 00:35:22,142.9890232
And I think that that stems from, um, I believe I've said this over and over again.

429
00:35:22,192.9890232 --> 00:35:27,372.9890232
I don't know how contentious it is, or maybe in my mind it's contentious, and actually it's not, no one gives a shit.

430
00:35:27,442.9890232 --> 00:35:31,962.9890232
But I think that photography is so easy.

431
00:35:32,382.9890232 --> 00:35:35,92.9880232
I think that anyone could be brilliant at it.

432
00:35:35,92.9880232 --> 00:35:42,502.9890232
I think, why do you, like, snap, like, just snapshots you find in a pile in a salvage shop of, like, family photographs.

433
00:35:42,502.9890232 --> 00:35:44,82.9890232
I'm like, This is incredible.

434
00:35:44,82.9890232 --> 00:36:24,532.9890232
This is iconic and it's an everyday person just taking a picture like once I got Good quote unquote good at taking pictures that I thought were Satisfactory to me and appealing in the way that I wanted to do that I'm like, it's so easy like what it means nothing like and what? What does this mean? It doesn't mean like so You I was so unsatisfied so quickly, but also couldn't seem to like get at, but like, what, what is it about it? What is it? And I think that's just, that is my commitment.

435
00:36:24,532.9890232 --> 00:36:28,652.9890232
That is my like dance that I'll be forever dancing with.

436
00:36:28,652.9890232 --> 00:36:37,982.9890232
I remember even thinking the first time I took, did a shoot that I thought was like so beautiful and I loved it so much.

437
00:36:37,992.9890232 --> 00:36:40,322.9890232
And immediately I was but it didn't.

438
00:36:40,752.9890232 --> 00:36:42,782.9890232
It didn't really feel like that then.

439
00:36:42,952.9890232 --> 00:36:51,212.9890232
Like I made it look, I felt uncomfortable that I made it look so beautiful and I don't think it felt that beautiful in the moment.

440
00:36:51,512.9890232 --> 00:37:02,622.9880232
I'm like, what does that mean? Like, um, so I've been like forever trying to marry or find harmony or whatever relationship meaning in, um.

441
00:37:03,207.9890232 --> 00:37:19,247.9880232
You know, what is being said in the experience, what, even not out loud, um, versus like what the pictures look like and becoming okay with the differences between the two and finding beauty in both and finding out why and this and that and the other thing.

442
00:37:19,247.9880232 --> 00:37:29,327.9890232
But um, yeah, well, what I was bringing up for me when you first said it too, and then I feel like you gave the definition is that word definition.

443
00:37:29,807.9890232 --> 00:37:34,37.9880232
It feels like because you come at photography.

444
00:37:34,622.9890232 --> 00:37:42,182.9890232
From that way, like your definition of its purpose is different, you know what I mean? Yeah.

445
00:37:42,202.9890232 --> 00:37:43,712.9880232
Than like how other people come at it.

446
00:37:43,712.9890232 --> 00:37:48,472.9890232
So like, yeah, it's easy, quote unquote, I'm putting quote unquote around this because Yeah.

447
00:37:48,592.9890232 --> 00:37:52,122.9890232
What you do is, I could never do that.

448
00:37:52,552.9890232 --> 00:37:53,432.9890232
What you do, how you do it.

449
00:37:53,432.9890232 --> 00:38:01,152.9890232
It's your art, right? It's like, that's the thing you can't outsource so that, but also, and also we don't like the reply.

450
00:38:01,622.9890232 --> 00:38:12,832.9880232
And also, um, when you have that definition in your mind of the purpose is to catch the real feeling of the moment, then.

451
00:38:13,777.9890232 --> 00:38:25,837.9890232
If we all have our eyes open to it, it doesn't matter what the vehicle it is to capture that, right? Like, it can be my iPhone, it could be a ten year old iPhone, like, it could be a, what is the, disposable camera.

452
00:38:25,907.9880232 --> 00:38:27,517.9880232
You know, it could be anything, right? Yeah.

453
00:38:27,517.9890232 --> 00:38:40,997.9890232
It feels to me like, because your definition is deeper and the subconscious and, like, so many other layers to it, that's why it's also different than.

454
00:38:41,912.9890232 --> 00:39:17,877.9890232
What you've shared of like other things that happen in the art space that you know I'm not privy to but like with how things like the family photos are not considered quote unquote fine art and yeah, and that's maddening and all of that and I think that's like the answer to Conflict in general in the world like it's right something You're already, at any time you're having, uh, like, especially an unproductive conflict with someone, like you already are a mile down the road and you don't even realize that you're coming at something with two inherently different definitions.

455
00:39:18,127.9890232 --> 00:39:18,207.9890232
Yeah.

456
00:39:18,297.9890232 --> 00:39:32,267.9880232
Like some of the NLP process, one of the, uh, values alignment, um, or discovery or whatever it is for, for couples specifically is, you know, really getting clear on.

457
00:39:33,197.9890232 --> 00:39:49,947.9885232
the value system, but then diving into like, wait, what are, what is your definition of that word? Because, or, and not only definition, but your interpretation of that word, like someone's interpretation of family, like one person could be thinking like, yeah.

458
00:39:49,947.9885232 --> 00:39:50,437.9900232
Oh, okay.

459
00:39:50,557.9890232 --> 00:39:52,887.9890232
But family is both of our number one priority.

460
00:39:52,888.0890232 --> 00:39:53,607.8890232
Okay.

461
00:39:53,607.9890232 --> 00:39:59,857.9890232
But when I think of family, I think of going out and making a living and providing for my family.

462
00:40:00,207.9890232 --> 00:40:04,817.9880232
And the other person's like, well, I think spending as much quality time as possible, literally, with the person.

463
00:40:04,817.9890232 --> 00:40:50,567.9890232
So it's like, there's just this, these disconnects that are so innocent that we don't even realize because we're so inco Like, when we do NLP processes, Most of the people, most all of the people, myself included, when you're doing the values discovery process, where you name and rank the top values, your main one, usually, don't want to spoil alert, if you're looking for a value discovery process, you don't even think to say it until you're at the very end and you think you've said it all and then you're like, Oh, Actually, like, this is the one that drives the whole ship.

464
00:40:50,627.9890232 --> 00:40:52,337.9890232
Like, this is the number one.

465
00:40:52,747.9890232 --> 00:40:56,927.9890232
Um, because it's so big, you can't even see it.

466
00:40:57,57.9890232 --> 00:40:58,747.9890232
Like, it's your whole lens.

467
00:40:59,347.9890232 --> 00:41:08,527.9880232
And I think that's something, too, that I've recognized a lot, too, is, like, understanding that we all have a different lived experience.

468
00:41:09,137.9890232 --> 00:41:16,587.9890232
Like, even my lived experience of my childhood is different than like my parents.

469
00:41:16,587.9890232 --> 00:41:20,447.9890232
We may have been in the same moment, right? We've experienced something together.

470
00:41:20,457.9890232 --> 00:41:20,807.9890232
Right.

471
00:41:21,327.9890232 --> 00:41:24,277.9890232
But like, but sometimes I don't think I was in the same moment as mine.

472
00:41:25,767.9880232 --> 00:41:30,287.9885232
Were we on the same planet together or not? But like, I think about that a lot too.

473
00:41:30,287.9885232 --> 00:42:02,482.9890232
Like, uh, as we've, Brought stuff up and been working through stuff in my family like with my parents and just you know What that transition is like when you become the parent and all of that I think that has been really eye opening to me to hear like Somebody else's lived experience of the same exact moment or even like Collin and I, like my husband and I, we'll be in, we're living together, we're working together, we're raising kids together, and yet I am the only one with myself all day long.

474
00:42:02,542.9890232 --> 00:42:08,942.9890232
Like, I am the only one who has this very specific lived experience and therefore influences.

475
00:42:09,317.9890232 --> 00:42:19,297.9890232
How I might show up in the definitions I might have and also like the subconscious stuff, right? That like, I don't even know is dictating the narratives and the conditioning and all of that.

476
00:42:19,557.9890232 --> 00:42:33,47.9880232
I feel like that's opened my eyes a lot to be like, Oh, of course you might not fully get, especially if I'm 10 steps ahead in a conversation, like where I'm coming from because your lived experience and my lived experience will never be the same.

477
00:42:33,187.9890232 --> 00:42:33,607.9890232
Yeah.

478
00:42:33,847.9890232 --> 00:42:35,47.9890232
That's been eyeopening.

479
00:42:35,457.9890232 --> 00:42:35,847.9890232
Yeah.

480
00:42:37,397.9890232 --> 00:42:37,847.9890232
Yeah.

481
00:42:37,897.9890232 --> 00:42:40,767.9880232
That, that has been the biggest.

482
00:42:41,532.9890232 --> 00:42:56,12.9880232
shift I'd say in this phase of my life, in this season of life is, I'll say that, um, it's been a while now since I read it, but, um, Michael Singer's, um, the untethered soul.

483
00:42:56,32.9890232 --> 00:42:56,322.9890232
Oh yeah.

484
00:42:56,322.9890232 --> 00:42:56,672.9890232
Yeah.

485
00:42:57,332.9890232 --> 00:42:58,722.9880232
It's my side drawer right now.

486
00:42:59,42.9890232 --> 00:43:06,192.9880232
I was, I just had never, it was like one of those, I call them brain break moments.

487
00:43:06,192.9880232 --> 00:43:07,182.9890232
Like it broke my brain.

488
00:43:07,182.9890232 --> 00:43:18,552.9890232
I was like, wait, what? And I was like, My whole life, I've lived not being aware of this awareness.

489
00:43:20,572.9890232 --> 00:43:23,812.9890232
I'm like, what have you not been aware of? It's awareness.

490
00:43:24,242.9890232 --> 00:43:24,852.9890232
Yeah.

491
00:43:25,2.9890232 --> 00:43:30,42.9890232
It just like the, it's like the tiniest thing and also the biggest thing possible.

492
00:43:30,52.9890232 --> 00:43:32,532.9880232
It's like that shift of seat of consciousness.

493
00:43:33,242.9880232 --> 00:43:36,892.9880232
It's like to, to witness yourself in that way.

494
00:43:36,892.9880232 --> 00:43:37,512.9880232
And I feel like.

495
00:43:38,662.9890232 --> 00:43:55,352.9890232
I've always intuitively had some relationship with it by way of my relationship with photography and my natural England, like where I come into that, but in no way, purposeful, intentional, like, you know, conscious, conscious.

496
00:43:55,542.9880232 --> 00:44:09,487.9890232
And I think that's another, another thing to really highlight is that there's so much that, I mean, we're humans living lives with responsibilities, with things going, like, There's so much to learn.

497
00:44:09,487.9890232 --> 00:44:14,197.9890232
And also I think it's so fascinating how brilliant we all are.

498
00:44:14,197.9890232 --> 00:44:30,337.9890232
There's so much we're doing that we just don't consciously understand that we're doing so many decisions that we're making that are, um, we're naive to, but also it's so brilliant.

499
00:44:30,347.9890232 --> 00:44:44,297.9890232
Like even when we, when I talk about like how you're choosing to document your life, It's like, yes, there's so, I mean, there's like a universe to like, lean into, but you're already in your own universe of right.

500
00:44:44,297.9890232 --> 00:44:45,977.9890232
There's different galaxies or whatever it is.

501
00:44:45,977.9890232 --> 00:44:47,287.9890232
Like, I don't want to think too much about that.

502
00:44:47,287.9890232 --> 00:44:48,67.9890232
It gives me anxiety.

503
00:44:48,67.9890232 --> 00:44:50,987.9890232
But like, you're already own your whole galaxy.

504
00:44:50,987.9890232 --> 00:44:56,687.9880232
Like, you just don't have the language to understand it.

505
00:44:56,997.9890232 --> 00:45:09,527.9880232
You don't really realize how You having that impulse to pick up your camera because of this moment is so beautiful because it shows how much you revere and acknowledge it.

506
00:45:09,527.9890232 --> 00:45:16,467.9890232
And also it harkens back to this experience you had when you were six years old and this happened and it made you feel that inside.

507
00:45:16,467.9890232 --> 00:45:18,367.9880232
And that's why you took picked up the camera.

508
00:45:18,627.9890232 --> 00:45:25,727.9890232
And, um, you may not realize that then, but maybe in 14 years, when you look at that photo, you're going to remember that time when you were six.

509
00:45:25,797.9890232 --> 00:45:26,332.9890232
Mm hmm.

510
00:45:26,332.9890232 --> 00:45:26,967.9890232
Mm hmm.

511
00:45:27,622.9890232 --> 00:45:29,232.9890232
Like I have goosebumps.

512
00:45:29,322.9890232 --> 00:46:13,772.9890232
Yeah, what that's insane and Also, once you do mindset work and have this or not just have another life experience And you just have a radical shift in perspective how different your photos are gonna be going forward I'm just your life and I don't know it's Yeah, it's um, it's like Permission, awareness, celebration, like all of those things come up, right? It's like permission in what I do is valid and worthy and like, and unique and awareness and like, like you said, like half the time, it's just so innate to us that we don't notice these things.

513
00:46:13,902.9890232 --> 00:46:14,212.9890232
Yeah.

514
00:46:14,382.9890232 --> 00:46:17,502.9890232
And what did I say? Permission.

515
00:46:18,182.9890232 --> 00:46:19,42.9890232
Awareness.

516
00:46:19,152.9880232 --> 00:46:19,532.9880232
Mhm.

517
00:46:20,387.9890232 --> 00:46:36,467.9880232
I don't know, anyways, yeah, I just, I think it's, uh, It's so interesting to, oh, authority, like, like be able to step into it and recognize, like, I have my own lived experience.

518
00:46:36,777.9880232 --> 00:46:38,77.9885232
I can live my life how I want.

519
00:46:38,77.9885232 --> 00:46:47,337.9880232
There are a million possibilities out there and I can like feel into what feels good to me and that is valid and that is true and that is amazing and that is my universe and my galaxy and like, Mhm.

520
00:46:47,587.9890232 --> 00:46:47,747.9890232
Bye.

521
00:46:48,732.9890232 --> 00:47:02,962.9890232
I love that this time in our life we are looking more at that permission and like, like personally as a mom, like that's, I'm focused very much on, my kid wants to walk barefoot down the street, like, it's her world.

522
00:47:03,342.9890232 --> 00:47:03,772.9890232
Mm hmm.

523
00:47:03,782.9880232 --> 00:47:05,952.9890232
What that, like, That's her thing.

524
00:47:05,952.9890232 --> 00:47:34,552.9890232
What do I have to have an opinion on that or you know, it's like not my lived experience It's her lived experience if she wants to be out if he wants to be outside and be cold or if he wants to not Eat and have an issue or if he wants to love this thing like it's their lived experience and so then when I reflect that back to mine like if I want to sell all the stuff that I have if I like Want to go do something different or whatever like especially us being raised in Italian families.

525
00:47:35,942.9890232 --> 00:47:41,62.9890232
Judgment is part of that mentality.

526
00:47:42,322.9890232 --> 00:47:53,912.9890232
And so I feel like that, that, that permission that, Oh, I am my highest authority, that awareness, like to become aware of what I want and the permission to have it, like all of it.

527
00:47:53,942.9890232 --> 00:47:59,402.9890232
And to have awareness of what is special to me and to celebrate it.

528
00:47:59,432.9890232 --> 00:48:08,77.9890232
And it's so layered, right? But I think to hit the impulse part though, like that, that to me is part of the essence of it.

529
00:48:08,77.9890232 --> 00:48:19,737.9885232
Right? Like that when you have an impulse, good only like appropriate, I know that's, I was going to say that too.

530
00:48:19,737.9885232 --> 00:48:24,997.9890232
Like it's so interesting cause I feel like impulse has more widely used as like a negative impulse.

531
00:48:25,857.9890232 --> 00:48:29,257.9890232
Um, what's the, which I get that also.

532
00:48:29,267.9890232 --> 00:48:29,527.9890232
So, but.

533
00:48:29,907.9890232 --> 00:48:45,717.9880232
Also, even with the quote unquote negative or unresourceful, let's say un, unresourceful um, impulses, whatever those may be, those are helpful too if you are able to pause and look at what the underbelly of it is.

534
00:48:45,737.9880232 --> 00:48:46,117.9880232
Anyway.

535
00:48:46,227.9880232 --> 00:48:46,487.9880232
Right.

536
00:48:46,527.9890232 --> 00:48:46,767.9890232
Yeah.

537
00:48:47,937.9890232 --> 00:48:51,677.9890232
Did I tell you I watch quiet on, on set? Yeah.

538
00:48:51,677.9890232 --> 00:48:52,327.9890232
I haven't though.

539
00:48:52,377.9890232 --> 00:48:52,737.9890232
Okay.

540
00:48:53,37.9890232 --> 00:48:53,297.9890232
Yeah.

541
00:48:53,298.0890232 --> 00:48:53,485.4890232
Yeah.

542
00:48:53,485.4890232 --> 00:48:53,672.8890232
Yeah.

543
00:48:53,962.9890232 --> 00:48:55,912.9890232
So that's where I had to pause with the word.

544
00:48:56,12.9890232 --> 00:48:57,722.9890232
Impulse? Okay, hold on.

545
00:48:58,242.9890232 --> 00:48:58,822.9890232
Pause with that one.

546
00:48:59,32.9890232 --> 00:49:13,552.9880232
But like, yeah, uh, whatever the intuitive hit or like the calling, like in a good way again, like when you feel called to do something like pick up the camera or something, like the knowing and the trust in, yeah, trust, trust, trust.

547
00:49:13,552.9880232 --> 00:49:13,872.9880232
Yeah.

548
00:49:14,472.9880232 --> 00:49:19,612.9890232
In that, that means something and you don't need to question it or have any other questions.

549
00:49:19,622.9890232 --> 00:49:21,772.9890232
Again, all in the positive light.

550
00:49:22,212.9890232 --> 00:49:27,632.9890232
Yeah, not in the icky, not respectful way.

551
00:49:28,292.9890232 --> 00:49:29,242.9890232
God, I'm gonna have to watch that.

552
00:49:30,482.9890232 --> 00:49:44,202.9890232
Um, I, I think that, well, when you say, well, impulse in a not so resourceful but also resourceful at the same time.

553
00:49:44,842.9890232 --> 00:50:05,272.9890232
When I think about my impulse to harness my kid you when you brought up your kids It's like all the time I want to like stop my kids from doing something because I'm so afraid of them getting hurt whatever that is whether it's emotionally or physically and like realizing that's just like my Desperate desire to not feel that pain for them.

554
00:50:05,292.9890232 --> 00:50:12,682.9890232
Yeah I mean, I told you just the other night when my kid got hurt and he was just like, just screaming my name over and over again.

555
00:50:12,712.9890232 --> 00:50:16,472.9890232
It just felt like getting stabbed over and over and over again.

556
00:50:16,652.9890232 --> 00:50:32,412.9890232
And it's so, I remember too, it makes me remember, um, my dad, love you, daddy, um, whenever he would, it sounds so intense to say lash out, but you know what I mean? Just like, ah! Like, just like.

557
00:50:32,662.9890232 --> 00:50:37,662.9890232
Raise his voice or whatever, looking back, so much of that was because of that.

558
00:50:37,672.9890232 --> 00:50:43,942.9890232
Like he didn't want us to get hurt or make, you know, uh, physically or whatever.

559
00:50:44,972.9890232 --> 00:50:49,522.9890232
The natural instinct to do that.

560
00:50:49,652.9890232 --> 00:51:04,762.9880232
It's kind of like, it makes me think of how the energy to cry right now, but I think it would make me cry, but that the blackfish documentary for SeaWorld, when they took the babies out of the pool and the mother would just cry, cry and just cry.

561
00:51:05,62.9880232 --> 00:51:13,702.9890232
And it's just like, it's so interesting because we, You know, especially now with conscious parenting and this whole dialogue of like, don't say be, be careful.

562
00:51:13,702.9890232 --> 00:51:18,612.9890232
Like say specifically what it is that you want them to be aware of because you don't want to X, Y, Z, blah, blah, blah.

563
00:51:19,312.9890232 --> 00:51:26,492.9880232
Um, but there's space to also honor and see yourself in that.

564
00:51:26,502.9890232 --> 00:51:33,302.9890232
And it's like, oh gosh, I just love this thing so much that it pains me so much to even think of the possibility of them hurting themselves.

565
00:51:33,302.9890232 --> 00:51:35,762.9890232
And also it's so important for them to have their own life.

566
00:51:36,137.9890232 --> 00:51:36,627.9890232
Mm hmm.

567
00:51:36,667.9890232 --> 00:51:36,867.9890232
Right.

568
00:51:36,867.9890232 --> 00:51:38,397.9890232
I don't own them and it's not about me.

569
00:51:38,947.9890232 --> 00:51:43,567.9890232
I feel like so much of my mothering lately has been stepping back.

570
00:51:44,387.9890232 --> 00:52:08,757.9890232
Like pausing, like seeing where the conditioning is and like the word that just keeps coming to my mind is like why, why am I saying this thing? Like what's it really about? You know? Like what you're saying now, like is it, is it really, I don't know, what's really serving them in that moment? Like kids wanted to go outside and it was cold the other day and they wanted to go on the beach and go on the playground and it's like.

571
00:52:09,47.9890232 --> 00:52:11,797.9890232
Is that my preference? No, I don't like to be cold.

572
00:52:11,797.9890232 --> 00:52:12,937.9890232
I don't have any interest in it.

573
00:52:12,987.9890232 --> 00:52:18,927.9890232
But why would I, like, what is really truly my reason for saying no? I have no, no good reason.

574
00:52:18,927.9890232 --> 00:52:25,257.9890232
Like, I don't know, I feel like I've just had to reassess that a lot lately.

575
00:52:26,167.9890232 --> 00:52:28,607.9890232
We wonder why our patience is like razor thin.

576
00:52:28,657.9890232 --> 00:52:32,707.9890232
It's like, do you know how much processing is going on? It's insane.

577
00:52:32,717.9890232 --> 00:52:43,92.9890232
Like It's like reparenting ourselves, parenting them, like, Becoming aware, learning about ourselves, learning about them, they're changing.

578
00:52:43,472.9890232 --> 00:53:03,552.9890232
Like, it's just worrying about every word you say and then, like, being too cognitively aware for our own, our own good, so knowing, like, oh, but if I say this, then that could do that, like, the be careful thing, right? It's like, but if I don't use this word, then that means that this is going to happen and then they're going to have to decondition themselves more.

579
00:53:04,42.9890232 --> 00:53:11,302.9890232
It's almost like the weight of us having to, like, learn how to decondition and regulate it.

580
00:53:11,682.9890232 --> 00:53:19,402.9890232
Because no generation, quote unquote, no generation has done it before, is like It is so much.

581
00:53:21,922.9890232 --> 00:53:35,507.9890232
And I think that the, the place where I like to remind myself and give myself grace is that, like, whatever comes out of my mouth that I don't necessarily want to stand behind or like regret.

582
00:53:35,517.9890232 --> 00:53:39,887.9890232
I think that the more important part of that is the repair part anyway.

583
00:53:39,967.9890232 --> 00:53:48,827.9890232
And I think that like there's so much more power and that's so much more memorable than whatever random outburst or yell or whatever happened before.

584
00:53:48,827.9890232 --> 00:53:49,227.9890232
So.

585
00:53:49,822.9890232 --> 00:53:52,312.9890232
I like to find comfort there, but still it's so draining.

586
00:53:52,312.9890232 --> 00:53:53,712.9890232
I'm drained just thinking about it.

587
00:53:53,822.9890232 --> 00:53:55,592.9890232
Just truly, truly.

588
00:53:55,602.9890232 --> 00:53:58,192.9890232
Shout out to Pam being woke is exhausting.

589
00:53:58,202.9890232 --> 00:53:59,22.9890232
Woke is exhausting.

590
00:53:59,23.0890232 --> 00:54:02,132.9880232
I never did not think about that.

591
00:54:02,133.0880232 --> 00:54:07,242.9890232
Um, but I feel like that is the heart of the heart of the heart of it all.

592
00:54:07,252.9890232 --> 00:54:07,552.9890232
Right.

593
00:54:07,572.9880232 --> 00:54:09,712.9890232
Is like all.

594
00:54:10,57.9890232 --> 00:54:22,857.9890232
Well, hopefully, if we are being conscious, if we are being intentional, then we are like constantly de schooling, de conditioning, like rewriting narratives.

595
00:54:23,737.9880232 --> 00:54:27,477.9890232
But isn't it so fascinating that yes, and no.

596
00:54:28,857.9890232 --> 00:54:33,417.9890232
You know, I literally have a course called Conscious Creator, so obviously I agree with that.

597
00:54:33,687.9890232 --> 00:54:42,667.9880232
And also an essential part of being a creator and being in your art is to let it all go.

598
00:54:43,87.9880232 --> 00:54:43,467.9880232
Yeah.

599
00:54:44,407.9880232 --> 00:54:47,997.9880232
It's, it's almost like the deconditioning and the de schooling.

600
00:54:48,352.9890232 --> 00:55:06,212.9890232
Is to let it go back to the original, you know, like I've talked about, but I think I've told you this, that for a while, like my analogy was the barnacles, like over time, like how a ship gets barnacles on it, right? Like over time we had all this conditioning, like become barnacles on us.

601
00:55:06,212.9900232 --> 00:55:09,562.9890232
And now my job has been chipping it away to get back to the essence.

602
00:55:09,562.9890232 --> 00:55:09,892.9890232
And.

603
00:55:10,472.9890232 --> 00:55:17,652.9890232
But the chipping is art in itself too, right? The processing of like emotions and experiences and undoing that, or just.

604
00:55:18,317.9890232 --> 00:55:22,667.9890232
Desiring to comment on it in whatever way that is for you, whatever your art is.

605
00:55:23,67.9890232 --> 00:55:25,347.9890232
Um, that's funny.

606
00:55:25,357.9890232 --> 00:55:25,667.9890232
Yeah.

607
00:55:25,947.9890232 --> 00:55:27,367.9890232
And that's an important part too.

608
00:55:27,367.9890232 --> 00:55:39,737.9890232
It's like keeping in mind that that excavation is the point is the art because like, so what, like scrape all the barnacles off and then you're squeaky clean and you sit there and smile like, well, you know, like.

609
00:55:40,72.9890232 --> 00:55:40,802.9890232
There is no there.

610
00:55:40,832.9890232 --> 00:55:42,252.9890232
There is no there.

611
00:55:42,332.9890232 --> 00:55:45,22.9890232
You know my perfectionist self is, yes, that's the goal.

612
00:55:45,202.9890232 --> 00:55:47,182.9890232
The goal is to completely clean off.

613
00:55:47,722.9890232 --> 00:55:49,192.8890232
And then there is the prudent.

614
00:55:49,192.9890232 --> 00:55:54,122.9890232
Literally until you said that now, like, now you're making me have awareness of that.

615
00:55:54,122.9890232 --> 00:55:56,572.9890232
But like, literally, that's my thought is like, there should.

616
00:55:56,852.9890232 --> 00:55:58,742.9880232
Oh, like, flick this off, flick this off, flick this off.

617
00:55:59,52.9880232 --> 00:55:59,172.9880232
Yeah.

618
00:55:59,512.9890232 --> 00:56:02,142.9890232
That my goal is so that they have absolutely no barnacles.

619
00:56:02,442.9890232 --> 00:56:03,582.9890232
So then they just live life.

620
00:56:03,632.9890232 --> 00:56:06,462.9890232
Or what's the point? Right, yeah.

621
00:56:08,202.9890232 --> 00:56:11,252.9880232
But yeah, that's disillusionment.

622
00:56:11,757.9890232 --> 00:56:12,757.9890232
They have no barnacles.

623
00:56:12,757.9890232 --> 00:56:15,227.9890232
They probably have no personality, so they better not do that.

624
00:56:16,77.9890232 --> 00:56:16,237.9890232
Great.

625
00:56:17,47.9890232 --> 00:56:20,237.9880232
Add another thing to my plate of things that I feel guilty about.

626
00:56:20,247.9880232 --> 00:56:21,57.9880232
Wonderful.

627
00:56:24,437.9890232 --> 00:56:24,757.9890232
No.

628
00:56:25,277.9890232 --> 00:56:25,727.9890232
Yeah.

629
00:56:25,947.9880232 --> 00:56:30,277.9890232
You know, it's like, I know, I think about that too.

630
00:56:30,277.9890232 --> 00:56:34,17.9890232
It's just like, oh gosh, the most amazing human beings on earth.

631
00:56:34,512.9890232 --> 00:56:41,252.9890232
I've been through so much too, so it's like, I don't think the goal is to like have a human go by unscathed by anything that could ever happen.

632
00:56:41,252.9890232 --> 00:56:50,142.9880232
I think that the biggest goal is to, is, you know, that resilient love, love one, the love, whatever happens, love.

633
00:56:50,642.9880232 --> 00:57:00,302.9890232
And you know, under that is like the resilience to be able, and empowerment to know that, you know, you were loved and accepted and can get through anything.

634
00:57:01,32.9890232 --> 00:57:01,432.9890232
Yeah.

635
00:57:01,433.0890232 --> 00:57:03,472.9890232
Yeah, I think that the.

636
00:57:04,267.9890232 --> 00:57:29,767.9880232
The more that I've recognized that the concept of who you are, as you are, at the beginning, like, I think the kids are teaching me more sometimes than I teach myself because they're showing me what it's like to be that pure version of you, right? So I think that's where it gets a little tangled for me of like, yes, resilience and yes, going through stuff.

637
00:57:31,217.9890232 --> 00:57:40,497.9885232
helps, but also if, if you are great to begin with, you know what I mean? Like if you are, the word that comes up is perfect.

638
00:57:40,497.9885232 --> 00:57:51,632.9890232
Like if you're perfect to begin with and your essence and everything about you is amazing, then wouldn't the purpose of everything be perfect? Be to just shine on that and do that more.

639
00:57:51,642.9890232 --> 00:57:53,202.9890232
If there's no contrast.

640
00:57:54,472.9890232 --> 00:57:56,52.9890232
Yeah well I don't like the contrast.

641
00:57:56,82.9890232 --> 00:58:00,612.9890232
Wouldn't be able to see it, Like, That really liked so much the other day.

642
00:58:01,42.9890232 --> 00:58:06,822.9880232
Literally could not see that if light and shadow weren't coming together to create that.

643
00:58:06,902.9900232 --> 00:58:07,942.9890232
It's impossible.

644
00:58:08,362.9890232 --> 00:58:09,542.9890232
I don't like that answer.

645
00:58:09,543.0890232 --> 00:58:16,337.9890232
I don't like that answer! Yeah, no, it's a good point.

646
00:58:16,337.9890232 --> 00:58:18,467.9890232
I hear you, I hear you, I just don't like it.

647
00:58:18,627.9890232 --> 00:58:21,177.9890232
But it is, so I need to be okay with that.

648
00:58:22,167.9890232 --> 00:58:25,67.9890232
I think I'm realizing how much more aggressive my perfectionism is.

649
00:58:25,637.9880232 --> 00:58:28,247.9890232
Like, I thought I was a recovering perfectionist.

650
00:58:28,437.9890232 --> 00:58:31,667.9890232
I think it was running a bit deeper.

651
00:58:31,677.9890232 --> 00:58:33,757.9890232
It's the Yeah, this corkscrew, yeah.

652
00:58:34,427.9890232 --> 00:58:34,607.9890232
Yeah.

653
00:58:34,817.9890232 --> 00:58:37,157.9890232
You're just coming into different dimensions of it.

654
00:58:41,767.9890232 --> 00:58:42,887.9890232
You can see my face right now.

655
00:58:43,707.9880232 --> 00:58:44,397.9890232
Oh, man.

656
00:58:44,398.0890232 --> 00:58:49,147.9890232
That's You're like, I'm only a quarter joking.

657
00:58:50,847.9890232 --> 00:58:52,877.9880232
Everything I've said is not no joke.

658
00:58:53,437.9890232 --> 00:58:55,197.9890232
I am being 100 percent accurate.

659
00:58:55,237.9890232 --> 00:58:56,187.9890232
It sounds funny.

660
00:58:56,187.9890232 --> 00:58:56,847.8890232
Ha ha.

661
00:58:56,847.9890232 --> 00:58:57,337.9890232
Yeah.

662
00:58:57,417.9890232 --> 00:58:57,827.9890232
Yeah.

663
00:58:58,332.9890232 --> 00:58:58,552.9890232
Yeah.

664
00:58:59,942.9890232 --> 00:59:00,292.9890232
Yeah.

665
00:59:00,293.0890232 --> 00:59:01,992.8890232
Yeah.

666
00:59:01,992.9890232 --> 00:59:04,82.9890232
So more work to be done.

667
00:59:04,902.9890232 --> 00:59:12,472.9890232
It's a lot of, it's a lot of pressure to have on yourself innately if you believe that that's possible to begin with.

668
00:59:13,502.9880232 --> 00:59:15,472.9880232
Like I just feel like I don't even know another way.

669
00:59:15,682.9890232 --> 00:59:19,162.8880232
Like I just don't even understand the concept of not perfect.

670
00:59:19,162.9880232 --> 00:59:22,212.9890232
Not having the goal to be not perfect.

671
00:59:22,213.0890232 --> 00:59:22,922.9890232
Uh huh.

672
00:59:22,922.9890232 --> 00:59:23,52.9890232
Yeah.

673
00:59:23,53.0890232 --> 00:59:23,67.8890232
Yeah.

674
00:59:24,107.9890232 --> 00:59:29,887.9890232
Like, I don't even understand a world where the, yeah, where the end goal.

675
00:59:29,888.0890232 --> 00:59:34,517.9890232
But the, but what about the mistakes are magic? Yeah.

676
00:59:34,517.9890232 --> 00:59:37,497.9890232
Maybe I got a little buried up under some things.

677
00:59:41,178.1890232 --> 00:59:42,228.1900232
We need my big blue book.

678
00:59:42,288.1900232 --> 00:59:42,518.1900232
Yeah.

679
00:59:42,518.1900232 --> 00:59:44,188.1900232
We need another session.

680
00:59:44,658.1900232 --> 00:59:44,908.1900232
Yeah.

681
00:59:44,918.1900232 --> 00:59:45,938.1900232
I don't know, man.

682
00:59:45,968.1900232 --> 00:59:46,528.1900232
I don't know.

683
00:59:49,708.1900232 --> 00:59:54,128.1900232
I guess it's layered, right? Maybe that root was a bit deeper.

684
00:59:54,238.1900232 --> 00:59:55,418.1900232
Define perfect.

685
00:59:55,618.1900232 --> 00:59:56,358.1900232
Define perfect.

686
00:59:57,638.1900232 --> 01:00:00,848.1900232
Hmm, yeah, I guess it has like an end point.

687
01:00:01,568.1900232 --> 01:00:05,858.1890232
Like a finished quality to it.

688
01:00:05,918.1900232 --> 01:00:14,548.1900232
It's like What is that? How do you know it's the end? Uh, it's the goal.

689
01:00:14,788.1900232 --> 01:00:16,998.1900232
I think maybe it's very tied for me.

690
01:00:17,348.1900232 --> 01:00:17,818.1900232
The goal.

691
01:00:18,218.1900232 --> 01:00:23,968.1900232
Yeah, like, um, And how do we know it's the right goal? Because I feel it.

692
01:00:24,288.1900232 --> 01:00:24,928.1900232
And I see it.

693
01:00:25,358.1900232 --> 01:00:26,678.1890232
With my crazy seeing way.

694
01:00:26,768.1890232 --> 01:00:28,448.1900232
Okay, so feeling and I see it.

695
01:00:28,928.1890232 --> 01:00:37,988.1890232
So how do you know, so then, really, the perfection to you is a feeling.

696
01:00:40,543.1900232 --> 01:00:41,733.1900232
Is it? Yeah.

697
01:00:41,943.1900232 --> 01:00:46,553.1900232
Yeah, because like my view of what is done and perfect, like let's take editing for example.

698
01:00:46,593.1890232 --> 01:00:51,173.1895232
Like, if I haven't hovered a million times, whatever, I finally get to a finished product.

699
01:00:51,173.1895232 --> 01:00:52,83.1895232
I'm like, this is perfect.

700
01:00:52,83.1895232 --> 01:00:52,793.1900232
This is good.

701
01:00:53,173.1890232 --> 01:01:01,3.1900232
But it's my working definition because I might hand it to you and you might be like, girlfriend, this is not, you know, this is not done from your perspective.

702
01:01:01,13.1900232 --> 01:01:03,33.1900232
And you know that and you're chill with that.

703
01:01:03,903.1900232 --> 01:01:06,183.1900232
Oh, no, the people pleaser in me is not.

704
01:01:06,353.1900232 --> 01:01:06,943.1900232
But that's.

705
01:01:07,693.1890232 --> 01:01:08,243.1900232
Yeah, yeah.

706
01:01:08,653.1900232 --> 01:01:15,83.1900232
Up until that moment, that would be the, yeah, I think, the end goal.

707
01:01:17,153.1900232 --> 01:01:28,433.1890232
So if you achieved perfection in whatever it is, it would mean to be perfection until? Until it's not.

708
01:01:28,513.1890232 --> 01:01:29,163.1900232
Until it's not.

709
01:01:30,23.1900232 --> 01:01:33,423.1900232
So perfection is only a temporary, would only at best be a temporary state.

710
01:01:35,123.1900232 --> 01:01:35,733.1900232
Most likely yes.

711
01:01:36,558.1900232 --> 01:01:40,138.1900232
Which means it's exhausting cause it's never fulfilling cause it's nice.

712
01:01:40,188.1900232 --> 01:01:40,448.1900232
Yeah.

713
01:01:40,448.1900232 --> 01:01:41,568.1900232
Never satisfying.

714
01:01:42,218.1900232 --> 01:01:42,408.1900232
Yeah.

715
01:01:42,408.1900232 --> 01:01:43,328.1900232
It's so transient.

716
01:01:44,328.1900232 --> 01:01:44,758.1900232
Yeah.

717
01:01:44,968.1890232 --> 01:01:45,238.1890232
Yeah.

718
01:01:45,258.1890232 --> 01:01:46,8.1900232
Cause you're different.

719
01:01:46,18.1900232 --> 01:01:47,178.1900232
Your taste changes.

720
01:01:47,338.1890232 --> 01:01:47,548.1890232
Yeah.

721
01:01:47,548.1890232 --> 01:01:51,408.1890232
Like I think about the house, like I think that's a really easy, clear example, right? Right now.

722
01:01:51,408.1900232 --> 01:01:54,688.1895232
Perfection looks like this certain aesthetic.

723
01:01:54,688.1895232 --> 01:01:54,938.1890232
Right.

724
01:01:54,938.1890232 --> 01:01:58,268.1900232
And then I'm sure by the time we finished that, then it's like onto the next thing.

725
01:01:58,268.1900232 --> 01:02:01,188.1900232
It's like you never being present and settled.

726
01:02:01,808.1900232 --> 01:02:02,148.1900232
Yeah.

727
01:02:03,298.1900232 --> 01:02:03,318.1900232
No.

728
01:02:04,813.1900232 --> 01:02:06,93.1900232
It's my lovely narrative.

729
01:02:06,203.1900232 --> 01:02:09,853.1900232
Nothing is never enough specifically for you and of you.

730
01:02:11,83.1900232 --> 01:02:12,643.1900232
Yeah, I think that that's a narrative.

731
01:02:14,653.1900232 --> 01:02:19,743.1890232
That, yeah, I think it's a very, very, very deep subconscious narrative that I've started to uncover.

732
01:02:19,983.1900232 --> 01:02:36,703.1900232
Like, and I think that's what I like about the slow living movement and like, moving into that more and like trying to feel into that more is because enoughness sans anything else is the heart and soul of it.

733
01:02:36,713.1900232 --> 01:02:41,863.1900232
So, you know what I mean? So it's easier to grasp onto.

734
01:02:42,633.1890232 --> 01:02:46,403.1900232
Although I feel like all I've been doing lately is letting, like, it's just the letting go.

735
01:02:46,413.1900232 --> 01:02:47,823.1900232
Like, it's back to the essence.

736
01:02:48,123.1900232 --> 01:02:49,643.1890232
Like, yeah.

737
01:02:54,73.1890232 --> 01:03:12,293.1900232
So, what you're saying is, I mean, it's that you're, You're trying to put the antithesis, these two, what's the, how do you say it? Conflicting? Whatever, whatever.

738
01:03:12,533.1900232 --> 01:03:13,653.1900232
Conflicting? Yeah.

739
01:03:13,843.1900232 --> 01:03:19,373.1890232
Uh, of the slow living and the perfection.

740
01:03:19,653.1890232 --> 01:03:23,913.1900232
I think I'm trying to leave the perfection to attain the slow living.

741
01:03:24,3.1900232 --> 01:03:26,553.1900232
You know, like I think I'm trying to transition.

742
01:03:26,573.1900232 --> 01:03:37,373.1900232
Are you subconsciously trying to do slow, slow living perfectly? You know the answer is yes.

743
01:03:37,593.1900232 --> 01:03:39,383.1900232
I mean, I, but I don't.

744
01:03:42,3.1890232 --> 01:03:48,73.1890232
Otherwise, what's the point of doing it? What's the point of doing it if I don't do it perfectly? Uh, but I do think no.

745
01:03:48,713.1900232 --> 01:03:49,3.1900232
Okay.

746
01:03:49,783.1900232 --> 01:03:56,653.1900232
I do think no, because like, okay, if I was doing slow living quote unquote perfectly, I wouldn't be in a transitional phase.

747
01:03:56,773.1900232 --> 01:04:07,953.1900232
Do I think forward? And like, is the dream I'm trying to reach? a perfect goal.

748
01:04:09,303.1900232 --> 01:04:11,913.1900232
You know what I mean? That probably is.

749
01:04:12,103.1900232 --> 01:04:21,833.1900232
Yeah, but it's like, I think, yeah, you idealize the goal, right? Of like being this family and all working together and assuming that in those moments, everything will always be happy and fine and dandy.

750
01:04:22,683.1900232 --> 01:04:27,233.1890232
Instead of remembering that, like, even then, the same problems that you have now will still be there then.

751
01:04:27,243.1900232 --> 01:04:27,538.0900232
Yeah, but.

752
01:04:33,858.1900232 --> 01:04:35,388.1900232
So that's my stuff.

753
01:04:40,158.1900232 --> 01:04:44,668.1890232
Hope you enjoy! Who knew we'd end up here? I mean, we knew.

754
01:04:45,878.1900232 --> 01:05:00,213.1890232
I mean So on that note Anything you want to share? Any subconscious things you want to talk through? Show me mine.

755
01:05:00,213.1900232 --> 01:05:00,813.1900232
I'll show you yours.

756
01:05:02,523.1900232 --> 01:05:03,93.1900232
Um.

757
01:05:03,103.1890232 --> 01:05:03,923.1900232
No, you know me.

758
01:05:04,73.1900232 --> 01:05:04,483.1890232
I don't care.

759
01:05:04,523.1900232 --> 01:05:06,753.1900232
I will just say what I have to say and I don't really care.

760
01:05:07,13.1890232 --> 01:05:19,303.1900232
I um, I think the biggest thing, uh, that's top of mind for me just because I, um, just had, uh, the sacred seeing nostalgia now meeting.

761
01:05:20,728.1900232 --> 01:05:36,158.1900232
And at the end of every month, we do our reflection this month, specifically, I feel like I've just had no tolerance and such impatience, you know, with the mothering and all of this, and then in my reflection of the month.

762
01:05:36,378.1900232 --> 01:05:45,758.1900232
Like the three, every photo I chose was with the kids and myself and I'm like, Oh, it's just so ironic.

763
01:05:45,758.1900232 --> 01:05:57,418.1900232
It's just so ironic that like the thing that I'm like trying to like get away from, get space is like the core of everything, the core inspiration for it at all.

764
01:05:57,858.1900232 --> 01:06:02,798.1900232
And, you know, so anyway, those two butting heads are just been so interesting to me.

765
01:06:03,278.1900232 --> 01:06:07,658.1900232
The, the fact that I want space and I'm going across the country for work.

766
01:06:07,658.1900232 --> 01:06:10,818.1900232
And then also like having so much anxiety about that at the same time.

767
01:06:10,818.1900232 --> 01:06:21,98.1900232
I mean, it's not surprising that a mom would feel that way, but it's also, it also feels so fucking crazy to, to feel it in my body.

768
01:06:21,108.1900232 --> 01:06:23,848.1900232
It's like this cyclone of like.

769
01:06:24,573.1900232 --> 01:06:41,313.1900232
How is it possible to have such extremes at the same time so often, so, so often? Yeah, it's like, the narrative that comes, that I've uncovered, that same same is like that dichotomy.

770
01:06:41,373.1900232 --> 01:06:41,693.1900232
Yeah.

771
01:06:42,213.1890232 --> 01:06:43,953.1900232
It's like, I don't understand.

772
01:06:43,963.1890232 --> 01:06:47,813.1900232
That is the one word I would use to describe motherhood, if I had to choose one.

773
01:06:47,903.1900232 --> 01:06:48,393.1900232
Yeah.

774
01:06:48,403.1900232 --> 01:06:48,683.1900232
That's it.

775
01:06:49,83.1900232 --> 01:06:54,558.1900232
It's so, yeah, it's so, and that's, so, You haven't read The Good Inside, right? No.

776
01:06:54,768.1900232 --> 01:06:54,998.1900232
Okay.

777
01:06:55,208.1900232 --> 01:07:04,218.1900232
But she, at the beginning, I haven't finished it, but at the beginning she talks about that, of like, two things can be the same, like two conflicting things can be the same.

778
01:07:04,238.1890232 --> 01:07:05,88.1900232
And she's like, yeah.

779
01:07:06,798.1900232 --> 01:07:18,718.1890232
Like, cause it just is, right? Like it's so you can want space and be touched out and be so tired and feel like you just need a second and also miss them in those moments.

780
01:07:19,128.1890232 --> 01:07:19,388.1890232
Yeah.

781
01:07:19,388.1900232 --> 01:07:35,918.1900232
It's like, you're like looking at picture of your kids, like, Oh, and they come over and ask you something like go away so I can be sentimental about you for a minute, but it's also like the most confusing, I think also intelligent people.

782
01:07:36,998.1900232 --> 01:07:39,18.1900232
It's like, I don't understand how this could be.

783
01:07:39,118.1900232 --> 01:07:45,583.1900232
How can two things be? And so then you're just, your mind is so confused and then your emotions are wrapped into it.

784
01:07:45,583.1900232 --> 01:07:45,813.1900232
And that's like.

785
01:07:45,813.2900232 --> 01:07:47,643.1900232
We love to compartmentalize.

786
01:07:47,673.1900232 --> 01:07:58,233.1900232
We love to label for, and not even just think like, Oh, labels, but like really, like we want to make, it's natural to make sense of the world in whatever way.

787
01:07:58,233.2900232 --> 01:08:16,863.1900232
And I mean, I mean the past, like three episodes of my podcast have been, I feel like around the same idea and it's just been, Being with it.

788
01:08:18,813.1900232 --> 01:08:19,203.1900232
Yeah.

789
01:08:19,873.1900232 --> 01:08:28,113.1900232
And the contrast and the contrast, but yeah, it's the lessons, right.

790
01:08:28,213.1900232 --> 01:08:48,573.1900232
That we have to, that we feel again and again and again, and then we try to integrate and then they still come back up, but I think that's why it's so important to just have conversations out loud and, or journaling or whatever it is, like having some form of discourse, because there's so many things that.

791
01:08:49,708.1900232 --> 01:08:59,408.1900232
You don't even, unless you hear yourself say it out loud, or someone asks you a question, or you witness your reaction to what someone else is saying, like so much comes out of that.

792
01:08:59,638.1900232 --> 01:09:12,18.1900232
And um, yeah, I think that's why I love just having the most organic, real conversations and my solo ramblings.

793
01:09:13,173.1900232 --> 01:09:37,568.1900232
It's because I, I just think, Oh, just normalizing the shit, the shit and the glory and the preciousness and the whatever, and just bringing it all up into the, Awareness into the air and then we can just decide like today in this moment, like this really hits and I needed this or I don't need this today or I don't, you know, whatever.

794
01:09:38,328.1900232 --> 01:10:14,543.1900232
Yeah, I think like true, like coming back to like the truth, not the fluff, not the performative, like it's cool when we can, yeah, share these conversations of like the real, what's really happening because we could have taken the conversation in a different way, right? And like, Talked about what people want to hear, whatever, but like, what's, what service is that doing anybody versus like actually hearing what's going on and then feeling seen in that and maybe taking action or just like the end, the act of feeling seen and being like, great, I'm not alone.

795
01:10:14,643.1910232 --> 01:10:15,393.1890232
Thank goodness.

796
01:10:15,413.1890232 --> 01:10:15,733.1890232
Yeah.

797
01:10:15,763.1890232 --> 01:10:30,128.1900232
You know? And it's so, and I think full circle from like everything we talked about, the idea that like truth, truth, much like art is like, there is no, there's no, Definition.

798
01:10:30,138.1900232 --> 01:10:33,738.1900232
There's no, it's, it's subjective and objective at the same time.

799
01:10:33,988.1900232 --> 01:10:46,348.1900232
There is no, like it, it is just this other dimension, like, and you know, it like, you know, it in your body and there's no, you don't have to defend it.

800
01:10:46,468.1900232 --> 01:10:50,728.1900232
You don't have to, um, substantiate it.

801
01:10:50,728.1900232 --> 01:10:53,918.1900232
You don't have to make it make sense to other people.

802
01:10:53,918.1900232 --> 01:10:59,128.1900232
And I think we waste a lot of life force and life energy trying to do that, but mostly.

803
01:10:59,748.1900232 --> 01:11:00,728.1900232
to ourselves.

804
01:11:00,838.1900232 --> 01:11:03,168.1900232
Like, I think it's really easy to villainize me.

805
01:11:03,168.1900232 --> 01:11:14,958.1900232
Like, Oh, I was trying to prove myself to XYZ And I think at the end of the end of the end of the end of the day, you're doing that because you're desperately wanting to prove to yourself.

806
01:11:15,38.1900232 --> 01:11:15,368.1900232
Yeah.

807
01:11:15,718.1890232 --> 01:11:19,968.1900232
And, um, and yeah.

808
01:11:19,968.2900232 --> 01:11:20,729.1066898
Preach.

809
01:11:20,729.1066898 --> 01:11:22,250.7400232
All right.

810
01:11:22,250.7400232 --> 01:11:28,337.2733565
Well, on that note, we'll leave you there.

811
01:11:28,337.2733565 --> 01:11:36,378.1900232
Um, This will be, I'm sure, one of many versions of this.

812
01:11:36,398.1900232 --> 01:11:36,968.1900232
Yes.

813
01:11:36,968.1900232 --> 01:11:37,608.1900232
That we do.

814
01:11:37,638.1900232 --> 01:11:38,388.1900232
Yes.

815
01:11:38,398.1900232 --> 01:11:39,898.1900232
Just real life.

816
01:11:40,108.1900232 --> 01:11:40,798.1900232
Yes.

817
01:11:40,998.1900232 --> 01:11:44,528.1900232
I hope you feel inspired to pick up a phone and call your girlfriend.

818
01:11:44,538.1900232 --> 01:11:45,8.1890232
Mm hmm.

819
01:11:45,48.1900232 --> 01:11:45,988.1900232
And have a chitty chat.

820
01:11:46,138.1900232 --> 01:11:47,258.1900232
Have a chitty chat.

821
01:11:47,528.1900232 --> 01:11:51,902.944312
Chitty chat chat! Yeah.

822
01:11:52,402.944312 --> 01:11:55,622.944312
This has been an Awkward Sage Production.