Accepting Change in Art & Motherhood

1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:07,409.9999999989
One of the things that's really helping me is trying to hold all of it more loosely.

2
00:00:08,99.9999999991 --> 00:00:11,210
Which was absolutely not me before.

3
00:00:11,420 --> 00:00:20,030
I had a death grip on my life and the world only turned because I was cranking it all the time.

4
00:00:20,210 --> 00:00:21,040
I was convinced of that.

5
00:00:21,170 --> 00:00:31,459.999999999
You know what I mean? So, that's the bit where I think having a baby like knocks you on your ass like, I breastfed exclusively.

6
00:00:31,559.999999999 --> 00:00:31,859.999999999
Yeah.

7
00:00:31,969.999999999 --> 00:00:39,690
You know what I mean? Like, I literally have to let go of so many things because I have to keep you alive.

8
00:00:39,869.999999998 --> 00:00:44,674.901
there's, you know, in that moment, I felt like there's no one else but me who can, you know, Yeah.

9
00:00:44,805.000999998 --> 00:00:56,115.000999998
And I was so angry about having to let things go and not being able to just like keep everything that I wanted to stay exactly the same, the way I wanted it.

10
00:00:56,334.999999998 --> 00:00:59,948.300999998
If I just hold on tightly enough, nothing will change.

11
00:00:59,948.300999998 --> 00:01:02,945.000999998
And then when I couldn't and it changed.

12
00:01:03,575.000999997 --> 00:01:23,790.003999996
It felt like failing and now, I think after having seen two small humans change so much all the time, it made me, I don't know, more comfortable with change, but like, accept how real change is and how much things are changing all the time.

13
00:01:24,140.003999996 --> 00:01:28,120.003999996
Help Me See is a podcast dedicated to the art of seeing.

14
00:01:28,760.003999996 --> 00:01:35,450.003999996
It's a space for the restless visionary with an insatiable desire to create the life and work you're meant for.

15
00:01:36,425.003999996 --> 00:01:45,545.004
My name is Bianca Lea Mora, and I'm a photographic artist, a mother, and a coach who's transformed my fear of loss into power, art, and philosophy.

16
00:01:45,815.004 --> 00:01:58,975.004
One of the scariest quotes I never want to say is, I wish I knew at the time, but I truly believe that we have the innate ability to bring our wise 2020 hindsight to our now.

17
00:01:59,875.004 --> 00:02:07,115.003
You can deeply experience your nostalgia now, while it's actually happening, with no regrets.

18
00:02:08,215.004 --> 00:02:09,545.004
All you have to do is see.

19
00:02:10,645.004 --> 00:02:26,495.004
In this show, we laugh, we cry, we get inspired, we overshare, we have life changing conversations around making meaning, self discovery, and shedding all the BS layers in order to reconnect to our own sacred vision.

20
00:02:27,305.004 --> 00:02:30,965.004
Seeing yourself is an essential key to living powerfully.

21
00:02:31,375.004 --> 00:02:36,185.004
You are the vessel, the lens that filters absolutely everything in your life.

22
00:02:37,145.003 --> 00:02:58,700.004
What are you filtering for? Whether it be conversations with fellow artists and visionaries, or my solo audio journal style introspective ramblings, each episode is meant to feel like an exhale, an unraveling of truth, a moment for you to be able to put your finger on something that you haven't been able to for far too long.

23
00:03:00,260.003 --> 00:03:02,330.003
Come exactly as you are.

24
00:03:02,620.003 --> 00:03:03,480.003
It's perfect.

25
00:03:04,190.003 --> 00:03:05,710.003
Honor your instincts.

26
00:03:05,770.003 --> 00:03:11,390.003
Let's uncover some of the most important things in our lives which all too often can slip out from our view.

27
00:03:12,715.004 --> 00:03:19,595.004
Let's commit to seeing and consciously creating what only you can in your one and only life.

28
00:03:20,735.004 --> 00:03:21,405.004
Let's dive in.

29
00:03:22,545.004 --> 00:03:22,815.004
Hello.

30
00:03:22,845.004 --> 00:03:25,365.004
Hello and welcome to another episode of help me see.

31
00:03:26,385.004 --> 00:03:32,145.004
Today I am so humbled and happy to bring to you a conversation I had.

32
00:03:32,805.004 --> 00:03:33,75.004
With.

33
00:03:33,135.004 --> 00:03:34,845.004
Uh, deer deer.

34
00:03:35,295.004 --> 00:03:38,775.004
Client and friend, just someone that I feel.

35
00:03:39,315.004 --> 00:03:50,305.004
So lucky to know, her name is Janelle Thomas, and she goes by lady J she is an incredible singer and she performs alongside her husband, Felix.

36
00:03:50,755.004 --> 00:03:54,325.004
And other talented musicians in the Dubai music scene.

37
00:03:55,95.004 --> 00:03:57,315.004
Today we talk about.

38
00:03:57,765.004 --> 00:04:05,985.004
What it means to be an artist and a mother and a human being.

39
00:04:08,775.004 --> 00:04:13,305.004
In this world, uh, we have an extremely honest and candid conversation about.

40
00:04:14,385.004 --> 00:04:16,5.004
The before and the, after.

41
00:04:16,455.004 --> 00:04:20,955.004
Being in your craft and what it feels like and what it is like.

42
00:04:21,375.004 --> 00:04:27,385.004
And then what happens? After your whole world is shook, with the birth of your children.

43
00:04:27,915.004 --> 00:04:30,315.004
You know, the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful.

44
00:04:30,765.004 --> 00:04:35,25.004
The everything Janelle came into my world a couple of years ago and.

45
00:04:35,955.004 --> 00:04:41,655.004
I remember feeling so blown away that I'm like, oh my gosh.

46
00:04:42,195.004 --> 00:04:43,725.004
I'm able to connect with someone.

47
00:04:44,295.004 --> 00:04:46,5.004
On the other side of the world.

48
00:04:46,845.004 --> 00:04:50,265.004
And when she would so deeply invulnerable, we share.

49
00:04:51,465.004 --> 00:04:52,155.004
I would think.

50
00:04:52,635.004 --> 00:04:53,565.004
Oh, my gosh.

51
00:04:54,135.004 --> 00:04:55,965.004
I have so much in common with someone.

52
00:04:56,535.004 --> 00:04:57,825.004
All the way around the world.

53
00:04:59,955.004 --> 00:05:01,5.004
Oh, my gosh.

54
00:05:01,785.004 --> 00:05:06,945.004
Anytime that I'm molding space with Janelle, I'm reminded of the.

55
00:05:07,665.004 --> 00:05:10,755.004
Deep and profound value of what it means to.

56
00:05:11,625.004 --> 00:05:21,345.004
Connect with each other and to come together in, in community and just being honest and sharing our truths.

57
00:05:21,945.004 --> 00:05:31,535.004
Not only for the benefit of others who might glean something or feel less alone, but also to speak those words lighten that load.

58
00:05:31,865.004 --> 00:05:32,855.004
From your own chest.

59
00:05:32,895.004 --> 00:05:36,855.004
I really, really, really enjoyed my conversation with Janelle as I always do.

60
00:05:36,855.004 --> 00:05:39,975.004
And I, I know you will too.

61
00:05:40,245.004 --> 00:05:43,215.004
I encourage you to go check out more from her.

62
00:05:43,455.004 --> 00:05:45,405.004
She has very exciting things coming up.

63
00:05:45,435.004 --> 00:05:49,655.004
Including a sharing of the very specific intentional.

64
00:05:50,45.004 --> 00:05:50,945.004
Amazing.

65
00:05:51,545.004 --> 00:05:55,685.004
Resources she uses whether it's, you know, a great find.

66
00:05:56,45.004 --> 00:06:01,535.004
On YouTube or an educational, energy expelling toy, or.

67
00:06:02,345.004 --> 00:06:02,675.004
I've ever.

68
00:06:02,705.004 --> 00:06:03,35.004
It is.

69
00:06:03,485.004 --> 00:06:06,365.004
She is a mama of two very energetic young boys.

70
00:06:06,605.004 --> 00:06:13,895.004
And I know that life and any recommendation that she has had for me has been like the obsession of my house.

71
00:06:14,645.004 --> 00:06:15,185.004
Before.

72
00:06:15,185.004 --> 00:06:16,175.004
Basically months.

73
00:06:16,415.004 --> 00:06:26,625.004
So, I have the inside scoop that Jenelle is now going to start compiling all of these super well thought out and tried and true.

74
00:06:26,675.004 --> 00:06:38,255.004
Resources that she integrates into her life as a mom and working musician go ahead and follow the link in her bio sign up for her newsletter so you can stay in her world.

75
00:06:38,255.004 --> 00:06:43,385.004
I promise nothing but yumminess and gratitude will come from it.

76
00:06:43,385.004 --> 00:06:43,775.004
Okay.

77
00:06:43,835.004 --> 00:06:45,275.004
Without further due.

78
00:06:45,395.004 --> 00:06:47,195.004
Here's my conversation with Janelle.

79
00:06:47,699.36108932 --> 00:06:50,229.36208932
Hi, I'm super excited to be here.

80
00:06:50,679.36108932 --> 00:06:56,609.36208932
Um, this is, yeah, the others being on the other side for me listening to your podcast for a year.

81
00:06:56,669.36208932 --> 00:06:57,299.36208932
So exciting.

82
00:06:57,779.36208932 --> 00:07:15,749.36208932
Uh, so I'm Chanel and I work with Bianca as in she's been coaching me for a year plus and I'm A full time singer and a full time mom I have two boys who are three and six and my husband and I are musicians together We've been doing that for 18 years full time.

83
00:07:15,869.36208932 --> 00:07:29,594.36108932
We're both from Canada, but we live in Dubai And I am trying to figure out how to be a full time mom and be a full time artist and be a full time entrepreneur and not lose my mind.

84
00:07:29,604.36208932 --> 00:07:31,914.36208932
So that's why I And a full time person.

85
00:07:32,264.36208932 --> 00:07:33,274.36208932
And a full time person.

86
00:07:34,554.36208932 --> 00:07:37,284.36208932
She was like, a couple of weeks ago, I put the call out.

87
00:07:37,284.36308932 --> 00:07:40,674.36208932
I'm like, hey guys, I'm tired of talking to myself on the podcast.

88
00:07:40,674.36208932 --> 00:07:44,734.36208932
So any artists, especially artists want to Come on and talk about everything and anything.

89
00:07:45,314.36208932 --> 00:07:49,824.36208932
And, you know, she was like, ah, I don't know if this is weird because we work together now.

90
00:07:49,824.36208932 --> 00:07:52,554.36108932
And I'm like, you know, that's not fucking weird.

91
00:07:52,554.36208932 --> 00:07:52,964.36208932
What's weird.

92
00:07:53,14.36208932 --> 00:07:54,974.36108932
I challenge you to weird me out.

93
00:07:58,244.36108932 --> 00:08:07,294.36208932
Um, so we, just before I hit record, Janelle was just talking about how she just doesn't feel good and how, you know, what's going on and just like business stuff and how.

94
00:08:07,564.36208932 --> 00:08:15,74.36208932
As at the time of recording, we're sitting down and she's like, yeah, and I'm kicking myself because I have two hours left and they're coming back and I didn't accomplish anything.

95
00:08:16,364.36208932 --> 00:08:16,524.36208932
Gasp.

96
00:08:17,974.36208932 --> 00:08:31,54.36208932
And I was also, I literally had one of your former podcasts on rest running through my mind also being like, yeah, I don't, you know, I have a cold, I feel under the weather.

97
00:08:31,674.36208932 --> 00:08:32,304.36208932
So.

98
00:08:33,504.36208932 --> 00:08:58,124.36108932
I meant to sleep, but instead ended up just scrolling through my phone for 90 minutes, but then wondering, but was that productive rest? If then I get up and I'm in like butt kicking mode because now it all has to happen in the next 120 minutes before two little tornadoes like come through the door to distract me from everything else I need to do.

99
00:08:59,814.36208932 --> 00:09:11,174.36208932
Well, you did say that after your phone call, you're like, yeah, and then I just wasn't tired anymore because you probably had your creative juices flowing and you were just energized by like thinking of possibility and whatever.

100
00:09:11,174.36208932 --> 00:09:16,994.36208932
And then off to the races and you can't exactly schedule your creative impulses or your inspiration.

101
00:09:18,9.36208932 --> 00:09:30,249.36208932
No, no, I, I am in awe whenever I learn about a musician who, or any kind of artist who did, you know, there are some artists who are super methodical.

102
00:09:30,249.46208932 --> 00:09:37,419.36208932
Like, um, we had taken our honeymoon in Barcelona, which is like full of art by Gaudi.

103
00:09:37,509.36208932 --> 00:09:40,429.36208932
And he was super methodical about it.

104
00:09:40,439.36208932 --> 00:09:46,529.36208932
He woke up at the same time every day and he ate like the same breakfast and he would just sit down and he would.

105
00:09:47,369.36208932 --> 00:09:52,289.36208932
make art from like nine to noon and then take a little break and then do it again.

106
00:09:52,299.36208932 --> 00:09:58,999.36108932
And that is so amazing to me that anybody would be able to have that be their process.

107
00:09:59,29.36208932 --> 00:10:01,509.36208932
And I'm so jealous because I wish I could have that now.

108
00:10:02,99.36108932 --> 00:10:06,39.36208932
I would love for it to be like, I've dropped the kids off at school.

109
00:10:06,379.36208932 --> 00:10:10,529.36208932
Now is my Uninterrupted.

110
00:10:10,629.36208932 --> 00:10:11,719.36208932
Uninterrupted.

111
00:10:11,889.36208932 --> 00:10:38,339.26208932
And it's going to start now, and it's going to continue for 120 minutes, and then I'm going to turn it off, you know? But yeah, it's, it's one of the things I think that I find hardest about, um, becoming a mom and continuing to try to make art in a regular way, is that the way that I used to work doesn't work anymore.

112
00:10:38,339.46208932 --> 00:10:39,79.36208932
Mm hmm.

113
00:10:39,149.36208932 --> 00:10:49,39.36208932
And I, even after six years, and my oldest is six and a half, like, yeah, I still haven't really figured out the new way that that needs to work.

114
00:10:49,109.36208932 --> 00:11:02,209.36208932
And one of the things, obviously, that is like the enemy of work is interruptions, right? And that when you have small kids, your life is just like constantly being interrupted.

115
00:11:02,239.36208932 --> 00:11:05,639.36208932
I mean, I think anyway, when you're an artist and an entrepreneur trying to compete.

116
00:11:06,584.36208932 --> 00:11:14,484.36208932
Do those two simultaneously, your work is already interrupted a lot, you know, because you're trying to be in the zone.

117
00:11:15,104.36208932 --> 00:11:24,404.36108932
And then if the phone beeps with a job, you know, and someone needs something urgently, you do have to all of a sudden switch into like admin mode.

118
00:11:24,414.36208932 --> 00:11:25,724.36108932
So that's hard.

119
00:11:25,984.36208932 --> 00:11:31,234.36208932
And then to have two people like pulling your elbows, going, mommy, mommy, mommy.

120
00:11:31,719.36208932 --> 00:11:31,879.36208932
Yeah.

121
00:11:32,459.36208932 --> 00:11:36,509.36208932
It doesn't help to have, you know, those long, unbroken stretches.

122
00:11:36,529.36208932 --> 00:11:41,209.36208932
I think for me, it takes me a long time to like, sink into the Get in the flow.

123
00:11:41,209.46208932 --> 00:11:42,709.36108932
You know, in this, yeah, in the flow.

124
00:11:42,749.36208932 --> 00:11:53,859.36208932
Yeah, even if you have like, an hour chunk, it's like, what do I do, just swan dive into Speaking of interruptions, I'm starting to hear something going on above me, but no tears.

125
00:11:54,659.36208932 --> 00:12:02,379.36208932
Um, when you have those little pockets of time, it's like, it's not that you automatically sink it to deep work, like within five minutes, of course not.

126
00:12:02,869.36208932 --> 00:12:13,799.36208932
Um, and then also it is a very specific dynamic when you're doing this full time and there's this endeavor going on where you're wanting to create.

127
00:12:14,139.36208932 --> 00:12:17,539.36208932
Like, um, you know, income from the work.

128
00:12:17,569.36208932 --> 00:12:23,609.36208932
So that's just like this other dynamic, this other, Oh, sometimes it feels like impossible.

129
00:12:23,709.36208932 --> 00:12:32,179.36108932
Um, Speaking of impossible, I'm going to pause the podcast.

130
00:12:32,179.36108932 --> 00:12:33,69.36108932
No, it did me in.

131
00:12:33,149.36008932 --> 00:12:38,344.36108932
It was The, the, are you still watching? Pitch.

132
00:12:40,144.36108932 --> 00:12:43,24.36108932
Put the TV on and it was going to the next episode.

133
00:12:43,24.36108932 --> 00:12:47,454.36108932
And I go, are you still there? So I like walk up and there's Cheetos all over the couch.

134
00:12:47,454.46108932 --> 00:12:49,374.36108932
And I'm like, and look at the TV.

135
00:12:49,374.36108932 --> 00:12:50,924.36008932
I'm like, that's why this erupted.

136
00:12:53,909.36108932 --> 00:12:56,189.36108932
Deal with the Cheetos and the vacuuming.

137
00:12:58,559.36108932 --> 00:13:01,89.36108932
It's okay.

138
00:13:01,89.36108932 --> 00:13:12,419.36008932
The uninterruption thing is so hard, especially if you happen to be one of those lucky individuals that might have any special form of like ADHD or, you know, whatever.

139
00:13:13,269.36108932 --> 00:13:18,949.36108932
It's even more difficult, but I, um, I don't know.

140
00:13:18,949.36108932 --> 00:13:25,699.36108932
I have, I've come across some, some beautiful accounts that show.

141
00:13:26,144.36108932 --> 00:13:33,284.36108932
You know, some artists, some artists, mothers that do a really beautiful job of weaving their children in their work.

142
00:13:33,294.36108932 --> 00:13:44,524.36108932
And not me, I can, it's like, I'm able to do it from a space of if I'm photographing them.

143
00:13:45,184.36108932 --> 00:13:47,804.36008932
But to be honest, that doesn't happen often.

144
00:13:47,954.36108932 --> 00:13:55,424.36058932
You know, I mean, I'm sure your kids get a kick out of you guys playing instruments or something, or they want to touch your instruments.

145
00:13:55,424.36058932 --> 00:13:56,624.36108932
But then there's like, wait, don't.

146
00:13:56,854.36108932 --> 00:13:57,414.36108932
Fuck it up.

147
00:13:57,484.36108932 --> 00:13:58,114.36108932
Don't break this.

148
00:14:00,144.36108932 --> 00:14:17,374.36008932
Like whenever my kid wants to grab my camera, I'm like, oh, oh, Um, and I don't know, I guess we can rewind a little bit before you had kids when you were about to have kids.

149
00:14:18,524.36008932 --> 00:14:27,844.36108932
What ideas did you have about what it would look like to be a Uh, yeah.

150
00:14:28,144.36108932 --> 00:14:32,914.36108932
Um, not many, not many ideas.

151
00:14:33,644.36108932 --> 00:14:34,74.36108932
No.

152
00:14:34,484.36108932 --> 00:14:47,144.36108932
Um, I think in general, um, like I put off having kids for a long time because I wasn't sure that I wanted to have kids.

153
00:14:47,144.36108932 --> 00:14:49,364.36108932
I wasn't sure that that was the path for Felix and I.

154
00:14:49,364.36108932 --> 00:14:59,264.36008932
So Felix and I were together, I can't do the math right now, but like 11 years, I think before we had kids and for 10 of those years, it wasn't even a conversation.

155
00:14:59,264.36108932 --> 00:14:59,314.36108932
Yeah.

156
00:14:59,334.46108932 --> 00:15:14,114.36008932
Um, and then when I was 37, I just kind of went, Oh, geez, like there is a, not that I really was feeling it, but kind of read about it and thought, well, yeah, I have a biological clock.

157
00:15:14,114.36108932 --> 00:15:17,834.36108932
Like there, this will have an expiry date if it's something I want to do.

158
00:15:18,44.36108932 --> 00:15:19,234.36108932
So I need to think about it.

159
00:15:19,684.36108932 --> 00:15:25,84.36108932
As a baby and kind of went, well, what do you think? And he was like, well, you know that I want to, but only if you want to.

160
00:15:25,84.36108932 --> 00:15:26,314.36108932
And oh, okay.

161
00:15:26,344.36108932 --> 00:15:27,884.36108932
So that was literally how we started.

162
00:15:27,884.36108932 --> 00:15:31,324.36108932
Like it wasn't some dream coming true.

163
00:15:31,334.36008932 --> 00:15:33,214.36008932
You know what I mean? It was, it just.

164
00:15:34,654.36108932 --> 00:15:43,274.36008932
Yeah, it was the thing I felt if we don't do this, I feel like we will have missed out on something was where I came to in my mind.

165
00:15:43,734.36108932 --> 00:16:38,979.36008932
And then I, because I was already 38 by the time I was trying to get pregnant, um, I did a ton of research on like how to, you know, To get pregnant if you've waited a long time, you know, basically so the impatient woman's guide to getting pregnant totally recommend that And you know, and then thankfully we got pregnant with no problems, you know So, but I realized literally, literally a week before Theo was born, which to my credit was a month before he was due because he came three weeks early, but it wasn't until that point that I literally went like, I've only researched the pregnancy and how to get pregnant and how to stay pregnant and how to stay pregnant healthy, you know, and, and nothing else.

166
00:16:39,539.36108932 --> 00:16:56,799.3600893
And I literally went like, in a month's time, I'm going to have a baby and what do I do? You know, and because I'm away from home and my family and any, like none of my friends had kids out here, none of that.

167
00:16:56,799.3610893 --> 00:17:03,679.3610893
So we really, really were alone, which has its advantages because nobody's giving you their opinion about what they think you should do.

168
00:17:03,679.3610893 --> 00:17:04,409.3610893
So that's great.

169
00:17:04,419.3610893 --> 00:17:10,519.3600893
But at the same time, I was like, man, I haven't even held a baby pretty much in 20 years.

170
00:17:10,519.3610893 --> 00:17:10,599.2610893
It's great.

171
00:17:10,999.3610893 --> 00:17:26,699.3600893
Like I, and even then I was never a baby person, so I really did not have any kind of plan or any kind of vision of like being a mom, let alone really like being an artist and a mom.

172
00:17:27,59.3610893 --> 00:17:35,69.3610893
So when he was born three weeks early, I just had this feeling of like, I'm not ready yet.

173
00:17:35,879.3610893 --> 00:17:37,309.3610893
All the books said 40 weeks.

174
00:17:37,319.3610893 --> 00:17:38,469.3605893
You told me 40 weeks.

175
00:17:38,469.3605893 --> 00:17:39,329.3610893
I need my 40.

176
00:17:40,94.3610893 --> 00:17:46,331.777756
What the fuck? I've been shorted three weeks? I've been short changed three weeks.

177
00:17:46,331.777756 --> 00:17:47,654.3610893
I'm not ready.

178
00:17:47,864.3610893 --> 00:17:49,394.3610893
The car seat was not installed.

179
00:17:49,404.3610893 --> 00:17:50,454.3610893
We were not ready.

180
00:17:51,154.3610893 --> 00:18:04,939.2610893
You know? Um, And that is one of the the things that ultimately, like it's one of the again, something that was so hard for me but ultimately I have learned to see as it is.

181
00:18:05,799.3610893 --> 00:18:10,139.3610893
Blessings is something that I needed to work on is you need to get ready.

182
00:18:11,219.3610893 --> 00:18:13,989.3610893
You know what I mean? Like if you're not ready, it's coming.

183
00:18:14,19.3610893 --> 00:18:19,619.3610893
So you just have to figure it out when it is now like thrust upon you.

184
00:18:19,719.3610893 --> 00:18:46,724.3610893
Um, and in the, you know, the intervening your sense, like something that I'm really only coming to realize now through like my podcast listening journey is how much Um, I think until now, really in so many ways, like I just moved through the world as a small man, not really as a woman.

185
00:18:47,134.3610893 --> 00:19:01,264.3610893
And so I think if there's anything about my motherhood that I thought was that I'm going to keep doing all the things that I've done and I'll just have a baby on the side, but I am going to be the same.

186
00:19:01,584.3610893 --> 00:19:06,464.3610893
I'm not going to be one of those moms whose Instagram feed turns like just pictures of her kids.

187
00:19:07,254.3610893 --> 00:19:11,444.3610893
Um, and you know, I'm not going to be one of those people who can't talk about anything besides our kids.

188
00:19:11,444.4610893 --> 00:19:29,64.3610893
Like, all of that, yeah, totally didn't happen because I just felt this, like, I will have this baby and this baby will come out and then this baby will be external to, you know, and my life will go on and I will continue on the trajectory that it's on.

189
00:19:29,424.3610893 --> 00:19:33,224.3610893
And so, um, yeah, spoiler.

190
00:19:33,619.3610893 --> 00:19:46,99.3610893
Like, not the case at all, you know, where, right, every bit of your, um, of your life changes and every bit of your, like, biology changes.

191
00:19:46,349.3610893 --> 00:19:59,429.3610893
Those were things, if I could go back, I would be like, maybe look into a little bit of research, like, do some research there, dude, about what else will happen that will now stick with you for the rest of your, of your life.

192
00:19:59,459.3610893 --> 00:20:01,9.3610893
Your body to your brain.

193
00:20:01,644.3610893 --> 00:20:02,84.3610893
Yeah.

194
00:20:02,264.3610893 --> 00:20:02,624.3610893
Yeah.

195
00:20:02,624.3610893 --> 00:20:03,744.3610893
Like more anxiety.

196
00:20:03,794.3610893 --> 00:20:16,474.3610893
That's really fun for me that some, you know, before I think I was just like, I would have categorized myself as a, a warrior and a planner and it took those aspects of my personality and was like, Exploded them.

197
00:20:16,614.3610893 --> 00:20:16,934.3610893
Exploded.

198
00:20:17,284.3610893 --> 00:20:21,604.3610893
When you said before, you said you've gone up until that point you had gone through most of your life.

199
00:20:21,604.3610893 --> 00:20:23,884.3610893
Do you say as a small man? Yeah.

200
00:20:23,944.3610893 --> 00:20:26,204.3610893
What do you mean? Like, what do you mean by that? Elaborate.

201
00:20:26,204.3610893 --> 00:20:29,854.3610893
And then like, what's the contrast? Well, I think that.

202
00:20:31,114.3610893 --> 00:20:56,264.3610893
I mean, I'm really lucky that I grew up with, um, you know, my, my parents both really encouraged me that anything a boy can do, you can do, and probably better, you know, um, that, remember I had this, it's totally dating myself course, right? Like this pin, you know, those pins used to have the big ones and it was Smurfette winning a race of Smurfs.

203
00:20:56,714.3610893 --> 00:20:59,144.3610893
And it said, girls can do anything.

204
00:20:59,519.3610893 --> 00:21:07,579.3610893
And that was like, like I was having that on my school bag, you know, and I would put it on my coat and that was almost like a tattoo.

205
00:21:08,39.3610893 --> 00:21:08,279.3610893
Right.

206
00:21:09,509.3610893 --> 00:21:11,79.3600893
If I could have, I would have tattooed that.

207
00:21:12,469.3600893 --> 00:21:13,299.3600893
Put it right in.

208
00:21:13,569.3610893 --> 00:21:48,509.3610893
I probably still have it like in a box somewhere because it was just, that was like the, the credo, you know, um, which was, you know, I don't know, it's great and very empowering, but at the same way, I don't think it really, like that, that was all that, I mean, that was grown up in the eighties, you know, it was just, that was the kind of feminism I think that was around is that you just do whatever, whatever they can do, you know, you'd stay neck and neck with that.

209
00:21:48,529.3610893 --> 00:21:55,839.3610893
So certainly when I came to this work, which I've been doing for 18 years.

210
00:21:55,999.3600893 --> 00:22:09,669.3610893
Um, I started out as a performer on this circuit, because I had done some work as a performer before, but like being a singer in these top 40 bands where we used to.

211
00:22:10,364.3610893 --> 00:22:17,714.3610893
Um, it's not like that now, but we used to be in a small team, so it was always our band of five, six, seven people, and we would travel the world.

212
00:22:17,714.3610893 --> 00:22:31,64.3610893
So we do these extended contracts in Asia and in the Middle East, and so a hotel would hire us, and then they'd accommodate us and fly us out, and we'd perform six nights a week, and we'd just be this little team the whole time.

213
00:22:31,574.3610893 --> 00:22:36,114.3610893
So I joined somebody else's band when I did that, and it was just me and the guys.

214
00:22:36,539.3610893 --> 00:22:40,179.3610893
And that was kind of nearly always the format.

215
00:22:40,589.3610893 --> 00:23:04,106.8610893
So right away, I was very much like thrust into this, you know, very male environment where like, I remember after my first contract, I went home and all my friends said, Oh my God, you swear so much now, do I, I don't know, I hadn't noticed, but it was those kind of things.

216
00:23:04,106.8610893 --> 00:23:04,134.2610893
Yeah.

217
00:23:04,564.3610893 --> 00:23:14,964.3610893
Of, you know, changes, like at the same time as I'm very much brought in to be like this sexy girl fronting the band and shaking all the bits and everything like that.

218
00:23:15,34.3600893 --> 00:23:33,599.3610893
But behind the scenes, I had to be able to hang, you know, and, um, and also to being In Asia, being in the Middle East, places where the expectation of what a woman would be able to do from a business sense was different.

219
00:23:33,919.3610893 --> 00:23:49,789.3600893
Like, I really felt like I had to be the toughest guy in the room a lot of times, you know? So, I had like a bone crushing handshake that I actively put on because it was just I know you saw me on stage.

220
00:23:50,144.3610893 --> 00:23:59,304.3610893
And you're thinking one thing, but now if you want to talk business, like I'm all business, I'm testosterone and that's it, you know? So interesting.

221
00:23:59,554.3610893 --> 00:24:00,364.3600893
So interesting.

222
00:24:01,944.3610893 --> 00:24:11,574.3610893
So not only was I a small man, I was like a small, aggressive chip on the shoulder man, you know, just super tough.

223
00:24:12,274.3610893 --> 00:24:17,314.3610893
Um, and, and it, it worked like it.

224
00:24:17,994.3610893 --> 00:24:18,804.3610893
Got me gigs.

225
00:24:18,804.3610893 --> 00:24:32,44.3610893
It kept me in charge But I realized too like I I was never soft and I like what I would just be like No, don't come to me with your feelings.

226
00:24:32,94.3610893 --> 00:24:44,589.3610893
Like I just don't care about that kind of stuff and I realized now I did myself a disservice like I would have been a better leader Had I been more compassionate to my team members.

227
00:24:44,599.3610893 --> 00:24:49,949.3610893
So apologies, former team members for the fact that I was, you know, an asshole a lot of the time.

228
00:24:50,419.3610893 --> 00:24:55,159.3610893
Um, but for me, that was how I knew to like, get by.

229
00:24:55,809.3610893 --> 00:25:32,759.3610893
Was that like your, like, survival mode? Did it feel, in the moment, like, if you try to go back there instead of, you know, The, the hindsight vision now, like, did you feel like this is like me putting on a front because I feel like this is truly what I have to be doing? Or was it at that point so ingrained because it had been so long that it was just so natural to you and it just felt like your reality in that moment? Like in, in those moments, did you feel like, oh, I'm, I'm trying to do this? Or did you just feel like, yep, this is, this is my way of life now? Yes, to both.

230
00:25:32,769.3610893 --> 00:25:43,569.3610893
Like it started out being, um, cause like my first contract was in Oman, which was a country I'd never heard of until I went there.

231
00:25:44,89.3600893 --> 00:25:49,969.3610893
And, um, was a country certainly where basically women didn't go to bars.

232
00:25:49,979.3600893 --> 00:26:03,479.3600893
So it's not only that I would be the only girl in the band, like I kind of would be the only girl in the room, you know? So I very much felt I need to, I need to find a way to manage this.

233
00:26:04,389.3610893 --> 00:26:12,559.3600893
And, and that by being very girly and very soft was going to get me like groped and, you know, verbally abused all the time.

234
00:26:12,559.3600893 --> 00:26:25,179.3610893
So instead I went the other way of like, I will punch you in the face if you were rude to me, you know? And that was very much the shell that I had on, um, and, and, and, and, and that worked.

235
00:26:25,569.3610893 --> 00:26:35,549.3610893
And that at the beginning may have been an effort, but I think also was something that I really leaned into.

236
00:26:36,104.3610893 --> 00:26:47,584.2610893
You know, it was, I kind of was coming out of being, well, I felt like I was coming out of being like a real people pleaser and, you know, that was also, too, how I'd grown up, like, that, you know.

237
00:26:47,884.3610893 --> 00:26:53,794.3610893
A plus, never make a mistake, don't disappoint your parents, like that whole kind of vibe that I know you know very well.

238
00:26:54,284.3610893 --> 00:27:04,954.4110893
And um, so then to be on this other side and be like, well, I'm going to, you know, drink more tequila than anybody else and I will arm wrestle you and I don't even care, um, was nice.

239
00:27:04,954.4110893 --> 00:27:08,614.2610893
Like it was nice to, to put that on.

240
00:27:08,854.3610893 --> 00:27:16,414.3610893
For a while and then I think after a while it did mellow but ultimately at its base It was like no, but this is who I am.

241
00:27:17,164.3610893 --> 00:27:38,694.3610893
I'm just I'm just not that people pleaser who cares about your feelings, you know, that's gone Which it hasn't again another spoiler But it It wasn't certainly what I would show or wasn't even really what I was aware of in a lot of ways.

242
00:27:38,734.3610893 --> 00:27:42,174.3610893
And then, so that was where I was.

243
00:27:42,174.3610893 --> 00:27:44,494.3610893
I was there and I became a mom.

244
00:27:44,544.3610893 --> 00:27:52,964.3600893
And I thought, but I'm just like, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm the one who, you know, who's going to stay up till five o'clock in the morning.

245
00:27:53,264.3600893 --> 00:28:03,24.3610893
And yes, I do have this like mom side to me because especially, um, you know, my husband, Felix and I together being like the leaders of the band, we were.

246
00:28:03,934.3610893 --> 00:28:06,784.3610893
You know, we were always the ones in charge and we made the rules.

247
00:28:06,784.3610893 --> 00:28:11,874.3610893
And we also were the ones who like hosted Christmas dinner and did all those things for our bandmates who were away.

248
00:28:11,874.3610893 --> 00:28:14,224.3610893
You're like, we were basically mom and dad to a band.

249
00:28:14,234.3610893 --> 00:28:19,74.3610893
So this is another mom and dad situation, right? And that's what it's all.

250
00:28:19,114.3600893 --> 00:28:20,614.3610893
It was like, well, no, we don't want to do this.

251
00:28:20,754.3610893 --> 00:28:39,829.3610893
We'll just like have actual children now instead of, you know, grown up badly behaved, but like, um, you know, we worked with lovely people and, um, you But then, and then you become a parent and you're just like, yeah, all my theories on parenting are gone.

252
00:28:39,829.3610893 --> 00:28:41,19.3610893
So that's gone.

253
00:28:41,99.3610893 --> 00:28:48,59.3610893
And then you become a parent to a second one, you know, in fairly close succession because our boys are two and a half years apart.

254
00:28:48,549.3610893 --> 00:29:39,279.3600893
And then you throw it all out a second time, like that didn't work, you know, and now what are we going to do? So, um, so for me, I feel that after six and a half years of being a mom, there's a whole I think, I think in my frustration in the last two years of the things in my life that aren't working and going as smoothly as I want to, um, as I start, like, peeling away the layers and I think peeling away the layers of like everything about you that's not working for me, you know what I mean? Like you, as in my kids, my husband, my people I work with, whatever, that ultimately it's like, okay, but what about me? Is not working for me.

255
00:29:39,389.3600893 --> 00:29:47,789.3610893
And, um, you know, one of the things I heard just recently, I just found it so, Super impactful was like this bit about like that.

256
00:29:47,789.3610893 --> 00:30:20,569.3610893
We move through life as if we're a small man but we are women like and our biology is different and our needs are different and the things we can bring to the table are different and that before that I certainly Like literally before listening to this person say that this actually is what this wave of feminism is about Um, it's not just about like figuring out what do I want and need as a woman.

257
00:30:20,569.3610893 --> 00:30:25,209.3610893
It's also insisting that you have support for that.

258
00:30:25,809.3610893 --> 00:30:27,769.3610893
Um, what's her name? Her name is Neha.

259
00:30:28,239.3610893 --> 00:30:34,369.3610893
She's mother, untitled, I think is her Instagram page and website and all this.

260
00:30:34,609.3610893 --> 00:30:35,529.3610893
I heard her on a podcast.

261
00:30:35,659.3610893 --> 00:30:35,859.3610893
Yeah.

262
00:30:36,559.3610893 --> 00:30:46,309.3610893
Um, so that's where I am is now realizing that I think it felt like, like I was brought up that, you know, you have to be, you can do everything that a man can do.

263
00:30:46,309.4610893 --> 00:30:46,384.2610893
You're welcome.

264
00:30:47,94.3610893 --> 00:31:14,794.3610893
And now I find myself totally re evaluating that, like, what do I want to, you know, after all this time and does it work for me to, to do life like that? Um, so the answer is no, but the solution is like question mark, I don't know, you know, so that's where I am now is trying to figure out.

265
00:31:14,864.4610893 --> 00:31:25,364.3610893
Yeah, I just saw something online the other day that was like, Oh, yay, women's rights.

266
00:31:25,364.3610893 --> 00:31:39,324.3610893
We get to go back to work and still go home, feel so guilty that we weren't 1000 percent with the kids and also cook dinner and then I'm like, yay, what we fucked up a good thing.

267
00:31:39,324.4610893 --> 00:31:42,414.2610893
Yeah.

268
00:31:42,414.3610893 --> 00:31:43,644.3610893
I remember it's funny.

269
00:31:43,644.3610893 --> 00:31:58,834.3610893
I remember even in college, um, I've always had this, uh, this odd relationship with my interpretation of what I've witnessed as feminism, um, in different ways.

270
00:31:58,864.3610893 --> 00:32:12,364.3610893
And in college, uh, I remember someone asked me once, um, well, don't you, like, what do you think about being trans? a woman photographer creating work in this world, like as a woman.

271
00:32:12,434.3610893 --> 00:32:28,114.3600893
And I'm like, but isn't in my experience, obviously not dismissing any sort of everything about feminism and what it has done and the people that have really took, taken on those responsibilities to fight for our rights.

272
00:32:28,474.3600893 --> 00:32:37,94.3610893
But also to me, isn't the point of the feminism, like the, the outcome so that I don't have to do that.

273
00:32:37,549.3610893 --> 00:32:49,719.3610893
I don't want to have to think about the, the initial lens that I'm coming through is like I, as a woman am making this, you know what I mean? I don't want that to even be a thought in my head.

274
00:32:49,719.3610893 --> 00:32:52,469.3600893
So I don't, I don't like to focus on that.

275
00:32:52,469.3610893 --> 00:33:00,769.3610893
And I think that in many ways, in my experience of motherhood, that's taken me by surprise is I feel the same way about that.

276
00:33:01,429.3610893 --> 00:33:03,259.3610893
It's like unavoidable.

277
00:33:03,289.3610893 --> 00:33:05,269.3610893
Like, of course it is like.

278
00:33:06,389.3610893 --> 00:33:09,759.3610893
bully part, not part of my day, it is, it is my life.

279
00:33:09,759.3610893 --> 00:33:12,369.3610893
Like I keep two kids alive and blah, blah, blah.

280
00:33:12,929.3610893 --> 00:33:22,439.3610893
And also I find myself not wanting to, come from this lens of like, I am mother and then everything else.

281
00:33:23,14.3610893 --> 00:33:45,669.3610893
I just get so sick of talking about I never wanted to talk about the milestones, but also I felt so compelled to, in a worried way, to make sure that everything is okay whenever someone was talking about it, but I wouldn't seek it out myself or, you know, it's like this idea of, um, Wow, I've never linked it to feminism, like that idea, but it really in my body feels very similar.

282
00:33:45,709.3610893 --> 00:33:53,959.3610893
It's like, ah, I know this is such a huge part of my identity and I don't want it to have to be in that way.

283
00:33:54,159.3610893 --> 00:34:06,684.3610893
Like, can I just be in this and like be the mother and not be labeled a mother? Like, not that there's anything wrong with that label, but like, I just don't, I want to just be in the work.

284
00:34:06,684.3610893 --> 00:34:09,284.3610893
I don't want to think about, like, what it means to be this.

285
00:34:09,304.3610893 --> 00:34:14,724.3610893
And I feel like that can sound like triggering and maybe misunderstood and taken the wrong way.

286
00:34:15,324.3610893 --> 00:34:22,4.3610893
Um, but I don't know, like, what do you think about that? I don't even really know what I just I totally, I totally get that.

287
00:34:22,14.3610893 --> 00:34:27,742.5110893
And I think I had that same resistance to like, like not doing any research to be what it would be like to be this.

288
00:34:28,119.4235893 --> 00:34:39,269.4235893
actually have a baby, you know what I mean? Because I was like, no, I don't want to be one of those women with the stack of books, you know, what to expect when you're expecting and like to have read all those and the mile, like the milestones thing.

289
00:34:39,319.4225893 --> 00:34:39,689.4225893
Nope.

290
00:34:39,709.4235893 --> 00:34:40,679.4235893
Didn't do it either.

291
00:34:40,709.4235893 --> 00:34:42,159.4235893
People are like, you got to download the app.

292
00:34:42,399.4235893 --> 00:34:42,679.4235893
Nope.

293
00:34:42,689.4235893 --> 00:34:44,224.3235893
No, I'm just, I'm, I'm not.

294
00:34:45,304.4235893 --> 00:34:50,354.4235893
But what's so funny to me is that we seem to end up like in a similar spot.

295
00:34:50,794.4235893 --> 00:34:54,634.4235893
Uh, but we both came to it very differently.

296
00:34:54,664.4235893 --> 00:34:58,544.4235893
Like you were like up until the ninth hour, like, I don't really even know if I want to have kids.

297
00:34:58,894.4225893 --> 00:35:00,894.4235893
I was like my whole life.

298
00:35:00,894.4235893 --> 00:35:02,654.4235893
Like I wanted to have kids.

299
00:35:02,654.4235893 --> 00:35:03,554.4235893
Like, I can't wait to have kids.

300
00:35:03,554.4235893 --> 00:35:04,884.3235893
And we like tried to have a kid.

301
00:35:04,884.4235893 --> 00:35:16,339.4235893
And all of a sudden when I had the kid serious postpartum, Depression and anxiety, and I don't even, like, I love you clinically, and I don't understand, this is not who I thought I would be as a mother.

302
00:35:16,339.4235893 --> 00:35:27,149.4225893
Like, I thought, I had visions of me just sitting on the carpet of my nursery with my cup runneth over, just like, sitting there staring at my child, I don't know, moving a little bit.

303
00:35:27,169.4235893 --> 00:35:27,999.4235893
Existing.

304
00:35:27,999.5235893 --> 00:35:28,29.3235893
Existing.

305
00:35:28,29.4235893 --> 00:35:34,219.4235893
And I'm like, I'm so wildly bored, and I can't even understand, this is not what I thought it would be.

306
00:35:35,149.4235893 --> 00:35:39,284.4235893
So, Yeah, I don't, I don't know.

307
00:35:39,314.4235893 --> 00:36:04,904.4235893
I think, you know, and I, and this is the, this is the struggle, right? And I think that there's a part of it, which is a personal struggle because we all have our journey to figure out that balance of like, how much is me? How much is motherhood? How much is artist? How are those going to fit on a given day? But then one of the things I'm realizing too, is there's also all this.

308
00:36:06,444.4235893 --> 00:36:07,454.4235893
socialization.

309
00:36:07,464.4235893 --> 00:36:09,294.4235893
And obviously there's the culture of motherhood.

310
00:36:09,304.4235893 --> 00:36:16,714.4225893
Like when you mentioned, you know, yay, we get to go out and like work full time and then we come home and we're a full time mom.

311
00:36:16,774.4235893 --> 00:36:21,174.4235893
Like, but that's what we grew up trying to aspire to, right? Supermom.

312
00:36:21,794.4235893 --> 00:36:28,884.4235893
Like super moms, they're the best, you know, they work full time and they're, they're what? Captain of the PTA.

313
00:36:28,914.4235893 --> 00:36:30,974.4235893
What's it called? You know, I mean, you're in charge of it.

314
00:36:30,974.4235893 --> 00:36:31,564.4235893
That's not it.

315
00:36:31,564.5235893 --> 00:36:35,114.4235893
Let's go with that.

316
00:36:35,114.5235893 --> 00:36:49,284.4235893
Um, they're, you know, baking the perfect cookies and decorating the house and buying presents for your mother in law and all of this, all of it at a hundred percent perfection.

317
00:36:49,639.4235893 --> 00:36:52,519.4235893
Like it's it just of course it doesn't make sense.

318
00:36:52,559.4235893 --> 00:36:54,809.4235893
The math doesn't check out.

319
00:36:55,69.4235893 --> 00:36:56,9.4235893
It doesn't math.

320
00:36:56,9.5235893 --> 00:37:09,774.4235893
It's not going to work and then That's left a lot of us that feeling like we're failing, right? Or like we missed something.

321
00:37:09,784.4235893 --> 00:37:11,244.4235893
We didn't get the memo.

322
00:37:11,324.4235893 --> 00:37:28,554.4235893
And, um, yeah, and then good old, like, North American guilt about that, about the failing and that we're bad moms or bad workers, or, you know, that some of somewhere we've failed.

323
00:37:29,124.4235893 --> 00:37:30,714.4235893
Um, so.

324
00:37:32,199.4235893 --> 00:38:02,139.4235893
I think that, I totally agree with you, that idea of like, I don't want every, um, bio that I put out to like, start with mom, and this, but at the same time, I feel, I do put it in my bio, you know, because I also feel like, But, and maybe it's also exacerbated because my kids are small, but that's my life.

325
00:38:02,139.4235893 --> 00:38:11,799.4235893
Like I don't wake up because I want to, I wake up because someone is like whacking me between the eyes, telling me they are, they are ready to start the day.

326
00:38:11,999.4235893 --> 00:38:16,899.4235893
They need something, you know, and it will be like that for years still.

327
00:38:17,229.4235893 --> 00:38:20,649.4235893
So that also is my reality.

328
00:38:20,669.4235893 --> 00:38:34,219.4235893
And obviously when I start my day like that, like that's, that's kind of the, that's the lens through which I proceed with the rest of my day is, is through the constant, constant, like, relentless needs of small humans.

329
00:38:34,529.4225893 --> 00:38:42,279.4235893
So, so it is hard to, to be anything else, but like, as you say, it is our lives.

330
00:38:42,459.4235893 --> 00:38:54,174.4235893
And then yet we still also are people who want to just be us or just be artists and have like six, unbroken hours to create something and think about things.

331
00:38:54,494.4235893 --> 00:39:00,724.4235893
And yeah, and I'm clearly like, as you can hear, it's the trying to make that fit.

332
00:39:00,954.4235893 --> 00:39:03,994.4225893
The puzzle pieces fit is making me slightly insane.

333
00:39:05,314.4235893 --> 00:39:29,624.4235893
Yeah, because it's never gonna fit neatly and there's always so many like, there's so many other separate institutions that, you know, even if we're coming such a long way in global consciousness now and like how like, you know, the new feminism is redefined as like the softer kind of thing and like, You know, this like demanding of like support and like, no, I will share my truth.

334
00:39:30,294.4235893 --> 00:39:38,814.4235893
And yet there's also very real things like, like the costs of childcare right now and the traditional hours of that.

335
00:39:38,984.4235893 --> 00:39:46,64.4235893
I love how you, with your lifestyle, like, yeah, my kids stay up late because this literally how I survived.

336
00:39:46,74.4235893 --> 00:39:49,794.4235893
The human body needs sleep and my job requires this.

337
00:39:49,794.4235893 --> 00:39:50,704.4235893
So therefore my.

338
00:39:50,994.4235893 --> 00:39:53,194.4235893
family does this right now in this season.

339
00:39:53,204.4235893 --> 00:40:04,254.4225893
And yeah, I, I do find myself feeling that, um, that way at times.

340
00:40:04,254.4235893 --> 00:40:05,174.4225893
I think it's softened.

341
00:40:05,174.4235893 --> 00:40:20,439.4235893
I'm not as triggered because I just feel a little bit, um, I don't know, the trigger, the sharpness fades a little bit as I think as you gain your you know, confidence in your, what you're doing.

342
00:40:20,649.4235893 --> 00:40:28,359.4235893
But then those moments of like struggle or doubt that you feel tender, I get really sharp and angry about so many things.

343
00:40:28,689.4235893 --> 00:40:34,309.4225893
Like when I had the postpartum and I'm like, people call this baby blues.

344
00:40:34,754.4235893 --> 00:40:41,224.4235893
How dare, like how dare everyone and no one, I was so angry at everyone and no one at the same time.

345
00:40:41,684.4235893 --> 00:40:59,714.4235893
And then like, now, as I'm trying to live my truth and, and not sacrifice, I don't believe I must sacrifice the work I want to make in this world in my lifetime, my one and only lifetime, like the art, the message, the whatever.

346
00:41:00,149.4235893 --> 00:41:02,399.4235893
And sacrifice it for my kids.

347
00:41:02,399.4235893 --> 00:41:06,939.4235893
But I also don't want to choose it over my kids at the same time.

348
00:41:07,329.4235893 --> 00:41:11,259.4225893
So it's like, I'm so frustrated with like.

349
00:41:11,934.4235893 --> 00:41:16,834.4235893
The institutions that have been set up, but of course, and everything takes time to catch up.

350
00:41:17,104.4235893 --> 00:41:26,834.4235893
And of course, now it's like, I find myself looking into unschooling, which I don't really want to do, because I don't think I'm particularly patient as I thought I would be as a mother.

351
00:41:26,834.5235893 --> 00:41:36,344.4235893
So I'm just like, sitting here like trying to grasp at like, ways of living and being and mothering and.

352
00:41:36,634.4235893 --> 00:41:54,154.4235893
Arting, whatever, that I don't even see as examples and the only thing that I can do to help is to share the shit show of what it is, honestly, and before I have it formulated, um, just to try to normalize this, like, what the fuck are we doing? It's okay.

353
00:41:54,154.4245893 --> 00:41:55,484.4225893
We're all confused together.

354
00:41:56,474.4225893 --> 00:41:57,604.4225893
We're all confused together.

355
00:41:57,994.4235893 --> 00:42:03,549.4235893
I was just saying, um, Uh, I don't think I've posted, maybe it was a privately unboxed or whatever.

356
00:42:03,879.4235893 --> 00:42:30,114.4235893
I feel like we're in this weird limbo of a lot of people are sharing more honestly, which is beautiful, but still vaguely, you know, so it's like, Oh, you know, I'm doing making doing really well as a stay at home mom, but it's like, You don't really exactly know the numbers that's going on or, Oh, I get frustrated sometimes, but you know, and it's a glazed over, but I'm like, Oh, when I say get frustrated, I growled like a dog at my child.

357
00:42:31,24.4225893 --> 00:42:33,84.4235893
Again, now he growls at me.

358
00:42:34,864.4235893 --> 00:42:40,14.4235893
So it's like, I think like speaking to the specificity is, is the most.

359
00:42:40,524.4235893 --> 00:42:42,744.4235893
serving thing we can do for each other.

360
00:42:42,754.4235893 --> 00:42:46,434.4235893
And I think that's why, as you said, that we put mother in our bio.

361
00:42:46,434.4235893 --> 00:42:59,124.4230893
And even though you're not exactly wanting to put all the focus there, but it's kind of like, I know that that's my like, I know that whoever is also like, we're immediately on like a similar plane.

362
00:42:59,124.4230893 --> 00:43:00,174.4235893
Like we just get it.

363
00:43:00,294.4235893 --> 00:43:09,889.4235893
Like if someone's having a shit show in the grocery store, like I just wish it would, Was appropriate for me to just go over and help and like to like, let me try too You know, like I get it.

364
00:43:09,889.4235893 --> 00:43:10,459.4235893
I see you.

365
00:43:10,459.4235893 --> 00:43:11,389.4235893
I'm so sorry.

366
00:43:11,389.4235893 --> 00:43:12,529.4235893
This is happening right now.

367
00:43:12,799.4235893 --> 00:43:16,874.4235893
My kid's at home, but don't worry, I have experienced this Yeah.

368
00:43:16,934.4235893 --> 00:43:17,314.4235893
I'm you.

369
00:43:17,569.4235893 --> 00:43:17,809.4235893
Yeah.

370
00:43:18,349.4235893 --> 00:43:18,949.4235893
On another day.

371
00:43:18,949.4235893 --> 00:43:19,459.4235893
I'm you.

372
00:43:19,464.4235893 --> 00:43:20,179.4235893
Another day.

373
00:43:20,869.4235893 --> 00:43:21,409.4235893
Yeah.

374
00:43:22,599.4235893 --> 00:43:24,339.4235893
Well, and I think it's part of why.

375
00:43:24,759.4235893 --> 00:43:41,719.4235893
You know, I felt, like, and continue to feel so comfortable with, you know, your coaching is because aside from the art and person and the way we just think a lot on the same wavelength, that when I'm like, you know, you know.

376
00:43:42,359.4225893 --> 00:43:45,849.4235893
Like, you're in the trenches as well with two small boys.

377
00:43:46,159.4235893 --> 00:43:46,949.4235893
You get it.

378
00:43:47,689.4235893 --> 00:43:48,899.4235893
Yeah, Cheeto's on the couch.

379
00:43:48,899.4235893 --> 00:43:50,909.3235893
Like, I'm like, yeah, I just, you know.

380
00:43:51,289.4235893 --> 00:43:59,9.4235893
Yeah, I had to actively force myself to stop saying, Oh my God, me too, because I'm like, this is just really ridiculous at this point.

381
00:44:00,309.4235893 --> 00:44:03,829.4225893
Like anytime something was shared that was like, this might sound weird or whatever.

382
00:44:03,829.4235893 --> 00:44:06,789.4225893
I'm like, Oh my gosh, me too.

383
00:44:09,379.4235893 --> 00:44:14,329.4235893
And it's like you said, it's so helpful that there.

384
00:44:14,384.5235893 --> 00:44:28,214.4225893
is a normalizing of let's talk about the hard part, you know, and any of the mom accounts that I follow or podcasts I listen to are certainly people who are willing to talk about the mess and how hard it is.

385
00:44:28,244.4225893 --> 00:44:34,304.4235893
Like I'm not interested in Pinterest perfect nurseries at all.

386
00:44:34,444.4235893 --> 00:44:37,644.4235893
Like I, I need to see, I need to see you crying.

387
00:44:38,514.4235893 --> 00:44:39,184.4235893
It sounds terrible.

388
00:44:39,344.4235893 --> 00:45:09,474.4235893
You know what I mean? But like, I, I, I appreciate that when people are able to, to be vulnerable and to share and, and I think that's also, I think that's also why I put mom in my bio and, you know, and, and as many places as it is, and, you know, even the decision, like, on my professional page, um, cause actually my, like, all my stuff, All my meta stuff got hacked last year.

389
00:45:09,804.4235893 --> 00:45:13,394.4235893
And so it was an opportunity for like a reboot.

390
00:45:14,374.4235893 --> 00:45:26,574.4235893
And I really did wonder, um, is this appropriate for me to be having, um, You know, I like, I'm, I'm a performer.

391
00:45:26,624.4235893 --> 00:45:30,424.4235893
I, at that point, certainly most of the singing I'm doing is like restaurants and lounges.

392
00:45:31,464.4235893 --> 00:45:33,974.4225893
It's not anywhere kind of like family environments.

393
00:45:33,974.4235893 --> 00:45:36,974.4235893
This is where people are coming on their night out, even if they are parents.

394
00:45:36,974.4235893 --> 00:45:48,624.4235893
So are they wanting to hear about like my teaching my kids to swim at the pool or whatever? You know what I mean? Like, it just felt like maybe this should be more separate.

395
00:45:49,174.4235893 --> 00:45:53,404.4235893
And That just ended up feeling really unnatural.

396
00:45:53,694.4235893 --> 00:45:58,74.4230893
You know, I found it a struggle to post things, to find things to say.

397
00:45:58,74.4230893 --> 00:46:02,14.4235893
I felt like I had to choose my words so much.

398
00:46:02,104.4235893 --> 00:46:15,564.4235893
And, um, and also too, as much as it's like a call to people, you know, like where are my people, you know, where's my people at? Like, you know, hit me up, show me.

399
00:46:15,914.4235893 --> 00:46:18,694.4235893
Yeah, a repelling as well.

400
00:46:19,274.4235893 --> 00:46:22,584.4225893
It also is a repelling and it also was.

401
00:46:22,654.5235893 --> 00:46:31,604.4235893
It's me wanting to tell people like, if you come to work with me, you need to know that these are the parameters also.

402
00:46:32,404.4235893 --> 00:46:39,74.4235893
So things like messaging me at midnight and saying, I absolutely must have it before tomorrow morning.

403
00:46:39,84.4225893 --> 00:46:39,754.4225893
Like not going to happen.

404
00:46:40,199.4235893 --> 00:46:42,749.4235893
It's just, that's your emergency.

405
00:46:42,869.4235893 --> 00:46:43,209.4235893
It cannot be mine.

406
00:46:43,359.4235893 --> 00:46:54,599.4235893
Yeah, like, the focus, inevitably comes to, I cannot be more concerned with, like, what they want to hear or might not want to hear than what I feel I have to say.

407
00:46:54,689.4235893 --> 00:46:59,309.4225893
I want to say this, like, this is something that needs to be at the forefront.

408
00:46:59,819.4225893 --> 00:47:01,739.4225893
Um, I'm curious.

409
00:47:03,64.4225893 --> 00:47:17,494.4225893
If you want to talk about or if you want to share, there was a pivotal point in which you were like, no, I, I am going to start prioritizing myself in this, not at the expense, like, not.

410
00:47:17,769.4225893 --> 00:47:25,119.4225893
Oh, choosing over, but I am putting, here is the pot and I am making room for this block.

411
00:47:25,139.4225893 --> 00:47:29,79.4225893
That is me in this puzzle or whatever pot puzzle.

412
00:47:29,79.4225893 --> 00:47:29,819.4225893
I don't know block.

413
00:47:29,829.4225893 --> 00:47:31,599.4225893
I don't know what I'm saying anymore, but you get it.

414
00:47:32,949.4215893 --> 00:47:39,449.4215893
And I, I believe that was around the same, the time that we ended up meeting in, in nostalgia now or whatever.

415
00:47:39,509.4225893 --> 00:47:41,59.4225893
I don't know if you want to share about that because.

416
00:47:41,544.4225893 --> 00:48:04,384.4225893
I think that that also at that point in time, it sounded like this, this intersection of like, um, this is such a huge part of my life and also, but what about my artistry and also my self care and hello, I'm a person I need space, you know, and what does that look like? Um, that was probably about a year.

417
00:48:04,944.4225893 --> 00:48:07,274.4225893
And half ago now.

418
00:48:07,664.4225893 --> 00:48:14,784.4225893
Um, so actually, I think it started when, um, our eldest started school.

419
00:48:15,54.4225893 --> 00:48:22,524.4225893
So, uh, we have a nanny, which is just kind of the way child care culture works out here.

420
00:48:22,884.4225893 --> 00:48:24,904.4225893
Um, so she's been with us since he was three months old.

421
00:48:24,914.4215893 --> 00:48:25,514.4215893
We're very lucky.

422
00:48:25,514.4215893 --> 00:48:28,884.4225893
We've had the same person throughout and she's always been really flexible.

423
00:48:28,894.4225893 --> 00:48:34,274.4225893
So basically she, uh, she's when we go to work, of course, because we work.

424
00:48:34,919.4225893 --> 00:48:36,639.4225893
Together, like all the time.

425
00:48:37,309.4225893 --> 00:48:40,279.4225893
Um, and then we had a pandemic.

426
00:48:40,889.4225893 --> 00:48:41,849.4225893
You may have heard of it.

427
00:48:42,99.4225893 --> 00:48:48,719.4215893
Um, and so then we were home because we were completely out of work for 10 months.

428
00:48:48,819.4225893 --> 00:48:58,829.4225893
And, uh, at that time, I was pregnant and had a second child and we, you know, Figured out how to be a family of four and may not completely lose my mom.

429
00:48:59,399.4225893 --> 00:49:03,709.4225893
Um, and then we went back to work and that was okay.

430
00:49:04,219.4225893 --> 00:49:10,439.4225893
And then our eldest started school and he'd not done any kind of like nursery or daycare, uh, because of the pandemic.

431
00:49:10,569.4225893 --> 00:49:16,239.4215893
Really, you know, so he was at home with us like full time till he was about four and a half.

432
00:49:17,529.4215893 --> 00:49:19,669.4215893
Um, and.

433
00:49:20,909.4225893 --> 00:49:29,559.4215893
Up until that point, our life was, as you said, like, our kids would go to bed late, like, they would go to sleep 10, 11 o'clock at night, um, because I didn't want to get up at 6 o'clock.

434
00:49:30,249.4225893 --> 00:49:35,199.4225893
I wanted them to get up, like, at 8 or 9, like, a decent human hour of the day.

435
00:49:35,599.4225893 --> 00:49:42,79.4225893
And then he started going to school, and he had to get up at 6, and I had to get up at 6 and drive him.

436
00:49:42,599.4225893 --> 00:49:43,99.4225893
Um.

437
00:49:44,44.4225893 --> 00:49:44,744.4225893
And yeah.

438
00:49:44,754.4225893 --> 00:49:49,424.4225893
Once again, another institution not set up for, specifically for someone like you.

439
00:49:51,654.4225893 --> 00:49:56,574.4225893
There are like so many people, so many people complain about the way that it all works.

440
00:49:56,574.4225893 --> 00:50:05,944.4225893
I'm like, why are we still sticking to these like farm hours? Because that's what it is, right? It's like, get up and milk the cows before you go to school.

441
00:50:05,954.4225893 --> 00:50:09,154.4225893
Who's doing that? You know? Please.

442
00:50:09,764.4225893 --> 00:50:12,904.3225893
Let's all agree on nine o'clock in the morning.

443
00:50:14,74.4225893 --> 00:50:27,374.4225893
So, all of a sudden, like, our working a lot and, and certainly after COVID, we came out of for COVID and any, like, nearly any job that was going, we were taking.

444
00:50:27,594.4215893 --> 00:50:36,864.4225893
So, it was very lucky in the sense that we did have a lot of work, which sometimes meant six or seven shows a week.

445
00:50:37,484.4225893 --> 00:50:38,24.4225893
And.

446
00:50:38,749.4225893 --> 00:50:42,719.4225893
Even though the gigs are like earlier than they used to be, it used to be like nightclub style.

447
00:50:42,719.4225893 --> 00:50:47,369.4220893
Now it's restaurant style, but a lot of times we're playing till 11, sometimes midnight.

448
00:50:47,369.4220893 --> 00:50:56,326.9725893
So by the time we drive home, I'm going to take off my makeup and, uh, you know, change a diaper or take the one who's potty training to pee and all of this kind of stuff.

449
00:50:56,326.9725893 --> 00:50:58,318.9975893
It was often two before I'm asleep.

450
00:50:58,318.9975893 --> 00:51:04,979.4225893
And so yeah, having to get up at six o'clock in the morning every day, apparently that's not a lot of sleep.

451
00:51:05,99.4225893 --> 00:51:07,339.4215893
And it, it was the.

452
00:51:08,34.4225893 --> 00:51:17,344.4225893
single most difficult shift in our lives, other than going from having one child to having two, because that was massive and a complete overhaul.

453
00:51:17,674.4225893 --> 00:51:32,104.4225893
Having a child in school, where now for the first time, really, like for Felix and I, the first time in 16 years that we had to get up with an alarm, because before that we worked at night all the time, and then we had kids and the kids were And now it was like, no, no, no, I have to.

454
00:51:32,629.4225893 --> 00:51:37,79.4225893
I have to be up, we have to be in the car at 7 in the morning.

455
00:51:37,939.4225893 --> 00:51:46,699.4225893
Um, and it basically just, and he started school, and of course like coming out of COVID and everything, like it was just like, oh germs again.

456
00:51:47,159.4225893 --> 00:51:53,719.4225893
That we're actually like interacting with people and other kids, whereas we'd been just like in our tiny bubble for a couple of years.

457
00:51:54,549.4225893 --> 00:52:02,439.4225893
So I got sick, like physically sick, and was just sick for about four months.

458
00:52:02,439.4225893 --> 00:52:07,749.4225893
Like I would have like one, two days between colds and then I'm like, Oh no, it's bronchitis.

459
00:52:07,789.4215893 --> 00:52:10,509.4225893
Then I'm going to flip that into a sinus infection.

460
00:52:10,549.4225893 --> 00:52:18,509.4225893
And then it's just, and I made a couple episodes where I was like, you know, went to the clinic, like really, I mean, I probably should have gone to emergency room.

461
00:52:18,529.4215893 --> 00:52:19,209.4225893
Like I was in.

462
00:52:19,889.4225893 --> 00:52:21,699.4225893
in serious distress.

463
00:52:22,119.4225893 --> 00:52:31,739.4225893
And, um, you know, getting calls to like, I had a sinus infection where literally they called and they were like, are you okay? This is the nurse calling with my results.

464
00:52:31,739.4225893 --> 00:52:33,279.4225893
I'm like, I don't know.

465
00:52:33,839.4215893 --> 00:52:35,429.4215893
You're the one with the paper.

466
00:52:35,529.4225893 --> 00:52:36,759.4225893
And she's like, I'm looking at it.

467
00:52:37,309.4225893 --> 00:52:38,489.4215893
It doesn't seem like you're okay.

468
00:52:38,489.4235893 --> 00:52:39,269.4220893
I'm like, I'm not okay.

469
00:52:39,269.4220893 --> 00:52:40,29.4235893
I feel terrible.

470
00:52:40,429.4235893 --> 00:52:44,69.4225893
It was just like, okay, get all these drugs, get all the drugs.

471
00:52:44,79.4225893 --> 00:52:48,609.4225893
So, so I took all the drugs of everything for like four months.

472
00:52:48,969.4225893 --> 00:52:56,659.4225893
And Then actually started, I was, I was like miserable.

473
00:52:56,699.4225893 --> 00:52:58,959.4225893
I was miserable to my kids.

474
00:52:59,139.4225893 --> 00:53:00,619.4215893
I was definitely miserable to my husband.

475
00:53:01,309.4225893 --> 00:53:08,159.4215893
Um, I'm still going to work if we, you know, six nights a week and, um, struggling my way through that.

476
00:53:08,169.4235893 --> 00:53:11,329.4225893
Like I was having a hard time having conversations with people just because.

477
00:53:12,704.4225893 --> 00:53:20,84.4225893
I, I was just like shattered inside and so, so unwell, you know, just physically unwell.

478
00:53:20,114.4225893 --> 00:53:28,234.4215893
Let me remind you, front runner of a band, like singing the front center stage.

479
00:53:28,514.4215893 --> 00:53:33,784.4225893
This isn't like, Oh, I have to, I have to be on because I'm in an office not to negate, you know, belittle that.

480
00:53:33,784.4225893 --> 00:53:35,394.4225893
But like, I'm talking about.

481
00:53:35,894.4225893 --> 00:53:44,694.4225893
Like literally in watching me, everyone watching her at this, like, I just, I know this and also I'm still like, I cannot get over it.

482
00:53:45,754.4225893 --> 00:53:48,564.4225893
So yeah, that is, that is the level we're speaking to right now.

483
00:53:49,994.4225893 --> 00:53:53,474.4225893
With like massive sinus pain and all.

484
00:53:53,574.4215893 --> 00:53:53,934.4215893
Yeah.

485
00:53:53,984.4215893 --> 00:54:00,664.4225893
Feeling like my insides are like churning and um, and also to getting answers from doctors.

486
00:54:00,664.4225893 --> 00:54:02,694.4225893
Like, I don't know why you keep getting sick.

487
00:54:02,694.4225893 --> 00:54:04,204.4225893
We're running tests and.

488
00:54:04,984.4225893 --> 00:54:09,14.4225893
It's, okay, well, you know, and then they give their helpful advice, like, you should get more rest.

489
00:54:09,14.4225893 --> 00:54:16,664.4225893
I'm like, ooh, well, you should come and take care of my kids then, because how am I, and drive them to school, because that is how I don't get wrecked, you know.

490
00:54:16,664.5225893 --> 00:54:26,354.4215893
Um, and, and my work, you know, it, and it just really got to a point where I was like, I don't think I can, I don't think I can do this.

491
00:54:26,724.4215893 --> 00:54:28,504.4215893
I, I don't think that I can.

492
00:54:30,9.4225893 --> 00:54:41,209.4225893
continue to perform, certainly these kind of gigs, which are really kind of all that there is here, um, and have to get up at six in the morning.

493
00:54:41,239.4225893 --> 00:54:50,699.4225893
And so it, it, my question was really like, is this it? Like, did, did I have a good run? I did 16 years, um, of being a full time musician.

494
00:54:50,709.4225893 --> 00:54:51,609.4225893
It's been great.

495
00:54:51,639.4225893 --> 00:54:59,124.4225893
But now I have children in school who are going to be in school for now, like the next, You know, what, 12, 14, 15 years, whatever it works out to with the two of them.

496
00:54:59,724.4225893 --> 00:55:02,884.4225893
Um, and I'm just, and that's it.

497
00:55:02,944.4225893 --> 00:55:16,94.4215893
Like, I'm just going to have to call it a day because, uh, cause I, I, I'm like, I felt like, like the, like I was, I just kept feeling like I feel like I'm made of glass.

498
00:55:16,524.4225893 --> 00:55:22,214.4225893
It's like the teeniest, thinnest, most fragile glass.

499
00:55:22,274.4225893 --> 00:55:32,114.4215893
And if anybody looks at me sideways, I will just like shatter into a million shards, you know? Um, and it's so weird.

500
00:55:32,114.4225893 --> 00:55:33,194.4215893
Like people want to talk to people.

501
00:55:33,194.4225893 --> 00:55:40,444.4225893
I could see they would even want to be giving me compliments and I would literally like avoid eye contact and hurry out the door.

502
00:55:40,444.4225893 --> 00:55:42,374.4225893
I was like, I can't handle anything.

503
00:55:43,844.4225893 --> 00:55:46,974.4225893
And, you know, and I know that that's part of my job.

504
00:55:46,974.4225893 --> 00:56:07,344.4225893
And, and so I really had to sit with myself and be like, okay, are you, are you just done? Like, do you just not like this anymore? Is it, is, is it all over? And, um, you know, the answer was there were some of my gigs that I liked and where I felt fulfilled and there were some that were not fulfilling and that were not working for me.

505
00:56:07,964.4225893 --> 00:56:10,134.4225893
And, um, so kind of.

506
00:56:10,674.4225893 --> 00:56:15,454.4225893
And there's not really much you can do to, like, change that from your end, it sort of is what it is.

507
00:56:15,654.4225893 --> 00:56:24,54.4225893
And so, um, there were ones that we dropped, you know, it was a really hard conversation to have too with Felix.

508
00:56:24,554.4225893 --> 00:56:33,674.4225893
Because, um, like he's, we were working as a duo mostly, so I'm like, well, you're like the, like, you're my business partner also.

509
00:56:33,674.4225893 --> 00:56:41,324.4225893
And here I am making this decision, which would impact you massively as in like, I'm quitting the band, you know, but that's just you and me.

510
00:56:41,334.4225893 --> 00:56:50,724.4225893
So what does that mean? Um, and I can't remember where I came across it.

511
00:56:51,84.4225893 --> 00:56:56,569.4225893
This is also too, when I started listening to podcasts, I, it's never, I didn't get Podcast.

512
00:56:56,569.4225893 --> 00:57:00,249.4225893
I'm like, it's like the radio, but I don't listen to the radio before.

513
00:57:00,699.4225893 --> 00:57:01,79.4225893
Anyhow.

514
00:57:01,119.4225893 --> 00:57:08,959.4225893
And I was actually interviewed on art of being a mom podcast, which you were also interviewed on, which is how I met you.

515
00:57:08,969.4225893 --> 00:57:09,379.4225893
Yes.

516
00:57:09,399.4215893 --> 00:57:10,399.4225893
I always forget this.

517
00:57:12,709.4225893 --> 00:57:13,209.4215893
Love her.

518
00:57:13,779.4215893 --> 00:57:16,999.4225893
Who are some of the other guests who have been on and like, okay.

519
00:57:17,339.4225893 --> 00:57:25,629.4225893
Um, and so somewhere along the, like beginning of my podcast journey, uh, again, finding these.

520
00:57:26,349.4225893 --> 00:57:51,539.4225893
You know, seeking out like career mom, artist mom, like trying to get advice basically for what do I, what do I, where do I go from here, you know, and one of the, uh, one of the really good bits of advice I've heard was, you know, ask people in your life or think about the things that you liked to do when you were a kid, you know, like what brought you joy.

521
00:57:51,629.4225893 --> 00:57:54,729.4225893
And so one of those things was dancing.

522
00:57:54,769.4225893 --> 00:57:56,319.4225893
So I signed up for some like.

523
00:57:57,154.4225893 --> 00:58:09,264.4225893
Even though I haven't danced in a long time, you know, when I set up, like from some movement classes with a, a dance teacher and did them one-on-one because I was like, I can't do a class with people looking at me.

524
00:58:09,944.4225893 --> 00:58:11,564.4225893
No one else cares.

525
00:58:11,594.4225893 --> 00:58:14,54.4225893
You know what I mean? But I, that was just like my frame of mind.

526
00:58:14,209.4225893 --> 00:58:21,614.4225893
I, and then coming like to you and finding your.

527
00:58:22,49.4225893 --> 00:58:28,619.4225893
I mean, you're everything, you know, that I'm like, just totally drank the Bianca Kool Aid.

528
00:58:29,609.4225893 --> 00:58:30,639.4225893
Whatever you have, I'm buying it.

529
00:58:34,19.4225893 --> 00:58:35,729.4225893
My favorite, wait, I'm interrupting.

530
00:58:35,729.4225893 --> 00:58:43,489.4225893
My favorite is when I got an email when I launched my first ever course specifically for photographers and you enrolled at Conscious Creator.

531
00:58:43,749.4225893 --> 00:58:57,284.4225893
And you're like, I know you might be thinking, Oh, did Did you know sudden change career, but it's just like the biggest gift ever because I had so much resistance to create something for photographers.

532
00:58:57,284.4225893 --> 00:59:04,174.4215893
And I'm like, this is why this is why I can't not have someone like this.

533
00:59:06,454.4225893 --> 00:59:08,444.4225893
Maybe you won't let me in, but hear me out.

534
00:59:08,524.4225893 --> 00:59:10,354.4225893
It's like, I'm going to sign up anyway.

535
00:59:11,594.4225893 --> 00:59:12,944.4225893
It doesn't make sense, but it's going to make sense.

536
00:59:12,944.4225893 --> 00:59:13,554.4225893
It's going to be fine.

537
00:59:13,944.4225893 --> 00:59:14,184.4225893
Yeah.

538
00:59:14,614.4225893 --> 00:59:19,874.4225893
Um, well, and one of the things was I, I was so angry all the time.

539
00:59:19,874.4225893 --> 00:59:21,874.4225893
So when you talk about being angry, yeah, totally get that.

540
00:59:22,264.4225893 --> 00:59:29,834.4225893
Um, and angry at everybody and everything and every like institution and, you know, the man.

541
00:59:30,964.4225893 --> 00:59:42,389.4225893
And, um, so feeling very ungrateful, And yet, you know, there's that part of you, like the zoomed out part, which is going, but look at your life.

542
00:59:42,589.4225893 --> 01:00:03,469.4225893
If you like, you're a full time musician, you have a career, like I was still working, you know, five, six nights a week with your husband, who is an awesome musician and who you, in your moments, you remember that you used to like, you know, and like, um, and you have these two beautiful, healthy children and you live in this city that like people aspire to live in.

543
01:00:03,469.4225893 --> 01:00:05,109.3225893
And, and, you know, even these additional things, it's like.

544
01:00:05,679.4225893 --> 01:00:15,379.4225893
We have an apartment with a sea view that we somehow managed to like scrape pennies together and like hang on to throughout COVID and it's beautiful.

545
01:00:15,899.4225893 --> 01:00:22,629.4225893
It's beautiful and yet felt unable to appreciate anything and any of it.

546
01:00:22,779.4225893 --> 01:00:26,99.4215893
But with the horrid awareness of it.

547
01:00:26,549.4225893 --> 01:00:26,619.4225893
Yeah.

548
01:00:26,809.4225893 --> 01:00:29,449.4225893
Not, that's even worse.

549
01:00:29,949.4215893 --> 01:00:31,929.4225893
You're like, no, I know.

550
01:00:32,129.4225893 --> 01:00:32,939.4225893
I see it.

551
01:00:32,959.4225893 --> 01:00:34,219.4225893
I understand it.

552
01:00:34,449.4225893 --> 01:00:35,269.4225893
And yet.

553
01:00:36,69.4225893 --> 01:00:36,409.4225893
Yeah.

554
01:00:37,219.4225893 --> 01:00:38,79.4225893
Because then there's the should.

555
01:00:38,474.4225893 --> 01:00:39,584.4225893
You should be grateful.

556
01:00:39,734.4225893 --> 01:00:41,904.4225893
You should be out on your balcony appreciating the view.

557
01:00:41,904.4225893 --> 01:00:45,384.4225893
You should, you know, you should look at your beautiful children.

558
01:00:45,384.4225893 --> 01:00:55,124.4215893
I'm like, so I just want to watch Netflix for five hours and just be like, brain dead, you know, cause I can't be here in any of this.

559
01:00:55,274.4225893 --> 01:01:11,84.4225893
Um, and so I think that was what really called me to what you do was the idea was trying to find my way back to a place of gratitude and of actually being able to see you.

560
01:01:11,499.4225893 --> 01:01:28,429.4225893
The things in my life that I should be appreciating, you know, and it's so funny too that I can't, I think you used to have it even as like the intro of your podcast where you were saying You know, you don't need my permission to, like, take pictures.

561
01:01:28,429.4225893 --> 01:01:30,299.4225893
And I was like, oh, no, but I totally did.

562
01:01:30,319.4225893 --> 01:01:43,79.4225893
So thank you for giving me permission to take photos because now I'm like, no, I can't just like, take 9000 photos of like, my kids, you know, in the bathtub or whatever, like a regular daily thing.

563
01:01:43,429.4215893 --> 01:01:44,649.4215893
Um, Bianca said I could.

564
01:01:45,39.4215893 --> 01:01:46,699.3225893
Um, so, um.

565
01:01:47,49.4225893 --> 01:02:01,939.4225893
So through that practice, oh my gosh, and something that I have never talked about with you, and I didn't even think of it until a few weeks ago, was when Theo was one.

566
01:02:02,399.4225893 --> 01:02:16,964.4225893
Um, and he's born at Christmas, so it was also December, which is always like super busy time for us, we have gigs every day, and, and it was, you know, the end of like my first year of motherhood, and was really hard.

567
01:02:17,184.4225893 --> 01:02:28,424.4215893
And, um, that December I did, uh, like a photo a day gratitude challenge for myself on Instagram.

568
01:02:29,54.4225893 --> 01:02:34,604.4215893
I've completely forgot that I did that until, until just recently.

569
01:02:34,604.4225893 --> 01:02:43,384.4225893
I was like, oh my gosh, I, I, I've also like, I had the idea once upon a time to like use photos to try to find.

570
01:02:44,354.4225893 --> 01:02:46,294.4225893
my way back to seeing something.

571
01:02:46,354.4225893 --> 01:02:49,964.4225893
Yeah, you gravitate towards the photographic medium heavily.

572
01:02:50,24.4225893 --> 01:02:50,414.4225893
Yeah.

573
01:02:50,454.4225893 --> 01:02:50,704.4225893
Yeah.

574
01:02:50,904.4225893 --> 01:02:51,354.4225893
Yeah.

575
01:02:51,634.4225893 --> 01:03:20,264.4225893
And it's, it's, you know, and so Nostalgia Now was, was perfect for me at that time because it was the, um, the permission and the, uh, platform and this structure to, to find that gratitude and to help me, you know, find my way Back to myself, you know, through, through the months of, of doing that.

576
01:03:20,284.4225893 --> 01:03:43,574.4225893
And I, like, when I look at, at the, the, you know, the kind of like the end of month projects that I recall that I completed, like, I can see my tone getting lighter, you know what I mean? Like I can feel the heaviness kind of like seeping away as the months went on.

577
01:03:43,574.4225893 --> 01:03:44,484.4225893
And as I felt.

578
01:03:45,234.4225893 --> 01:03:51,904.4225893
more okay with the idea of, I think, I think I can do this.

579
01:03:51,914.4225893 --> 01:03:58,554.4225893
Like, I think I can still do this, but I'm going to, but I can't do it the way I used to.

580
01:03:58,814.4225893 --> 01:04:02,384.4225893
I can't just be whenever someone picks up a phone and is like, can you guys work? Yep.

581
01:04:02,564.4225893 --> 01:04:03,44.4225893
Definitely.

582
01:04:03,124.4225893 --> 01:04:03,514.4215893
We're coming.

583
01:04:03,614.4225893 --> 01:04:06,304.4225893
You know, I had to start asking a lot more questions.

584
01:04:06,714.4225893 --> 01:04:09,414.4225893
Uh, you know, I had to be choosier.

585
01:04:09,774.4225893 --> 01:04:10,984.4225893
I had to put our price up.

586
01:04:11,409.4225893 --> 01:04:28,404.4225894
Also, because when I would be places and I'm like, I'm getting paid what to be here, um, You know, that's definitely the thing about being a mom is you always have something better to do, you know, which is like, just be with those little better and more important.

587
01:04:28,534.4225894 --> 01:04:29,304.4225894
Oh, all the time.

588
01:04:29,354.4225894 --> 01:04:37,104.4225894
All of a sudden, I remember going back to work and being in a meeting that I used to like ferociously bit like super invested in.

589
01:04:37,494.4225894 --> 01:04:40,274.4225894
And I'm just like, we're all sitting here getting all worked up.

590
01:04:40,679.5225894 --> 01:04:44,189.4225894
Like, I'm sorry, we're not working in a hospital.

591
01:04:44,669.4225894 --> 01:04:46,249.4225894
This doesn't fucking matter.

592
01:04:46,249.5225894 --> 01:04:48,969.4225894
I mean, it doesn't, but it also doesn't.

593
01:04:48,969.4225894 --> 01:04:50,659.4225894
So let's all just take us.

594
01:04:50,659.4225894 --> 01:04:51,989.4225894
No one's birthing a baby.

595
01:04:51,989.4225894 --> 01:04:53,479.4215894
No one's dying here.

596
01:04:53,599.4215894 --> 01:04:55,369.4225894
Like, we're okay.

597
01:04:55,699.4225894 --> 01:05:00,199.4225894
Um, you know, I remember when you first.

598
01:05:00,509.4225894 --> 01:05:17,959.4225894
When you first joined, first of all, I was just so taken aback that like this person on the other side of the world, like that, you know, so I was so fragile over anything that you shared, you had shared the first time you shared you posted in the Facebook group because time difference.

599
01:05:18,389.4215894 --> 01:05:23,124.3225894
And, um, I remember crying like I was just so blown away by your, her.

600
01:05:23,284.4225894 --> 01:05:28,334.4225894
Uh, just everything about your presence and like what you were voicing that wanting to do.

601
01:05:28,564.4225894 --> 01:05:38,764.4225894
And I even remember, it's funny, uh, like, I don't know, a few months down the road, you integrating a picture where you're like, I'm wearing color, I'm wearing color.

602
01:05:39,134.4215894 --> 01:05:49,860.2678621
But I think when we talk about reflecting on the, the tone of the image collages we would make at the end of the month, which we still do, they're in the platform to every month.

603
01:05:49,860.2678621 --> 01:05:51,6.3043469
There's a new template.

604
01:05:51,6.3043469 --> 01:06:04,849.4225894
But, uh, I think I just wanted to pull that back to the full circle moment of like how we're so wanting to repel against, um, these labels and these boxes and mother, woman, woman, artist and whatever.

605
01:06:04,869.4225894 --> 01:06:15,169.4225894
But I think that the photographic medium is this way where we're able to do that, like have that, that compartmentalizing of like, I don't even know.

606
01:06:15,169.4225894 --> 01:06:22,199.4225894
But like, for some reason, the fact that I put these pictures together is like, It's, it identifies itself to me.

607
01:06:22,259.4225894 --> 01:06:35,489.4225894
It's like a, I don't know, like it, it creates like this, this peace and this calm and this expression that happens when you're like, I don't know what the fuck's going on inside, but all of a sudden I see it on the outside.

608
01:06:35,574.4225894 --> 01:06:44,884.4220894
Like that, like I, I can sense it, it might not be exact or words or whatever, but like this combination of photos creates this new feeling inside of me.

609
01:06:44,884.4220894 --> 01:07:20,439.4225894
And like, you're able to like gauge and find yourself and track yourself in that, like, so like in all the vulnerability and in that like thin glass feeling or in the feeling of lighter or in the dip or whatever it is, um, I do think that that that, um, that impulse to use photo taking as a way to find yourself again or feel yourself again, um, is because the only reason the photos exist is the fact that you took it and you're only able to see what you're seeing in that moment.

610
01:07:20,439.4225894 --> 01:07:30,779.4215894
So even though you feel like super ungrateful at the forefront, you're like, well, I took those pictures and that is irrefutable evidence.

611
01:07:31,209.4225894 --> 01:07:33,879.4225894
I saw it and enough to press that button.

612
01:07:33,909.4225894 --> 01:07:36,419.4225894
I took out my phone and I pressed that button.

613
01:07:36,859.4225894 --> 01:07:38,579.4225894
And that means something.

614
01:07:38,829.4225894 --> 01:07:45,669.4215894
So it's like, it restores your faith in yourself and your trust in yourself because you're like, yeah, I feel really shitty and evil right now.

615
01:07:46,389.4215894 --> 01:07:47,529.4225894
But look at this evidence.

616
01:07:47,719.4215894 --> 01:07:54,469.4225894
Like, look at this, me caring, even if it's with gritted teeth, I did see something nice.

617
01:07:55,319.4225894 --> 01:07:56,119.4225894
It's flowers.

618
01:07:58,364.4225894 --> 01:07:58,924.4225894
Damn it.

619
01:08:00,214.4225894 --> 01:08:18,874.4225894
Well, and I think the idea of like, like when you see, I mean, certainly for us, you know, average Joes, like, the taking a picture is just, they're kind of like one at a time, right? You know, like you take it and then, also too, like we've been talking about forgetting, and then you forget that you took it.

620
01:08:19,314.4225894 --> 01:08:59,644.4215894
So, the idea of looping around back to it, like at the end of a month, And making a collage of a few, few photos, um, I think also allows you to step back and go like, well, what's, what's, what's, what's going on here? You know what I mean? Like, what's the story of me, really, this, this month, you know, and, I mean, one of the ones for me that was super impactful was, I can't remember what the Well, I can't remember what I was supposed to be doing, but, um, what I came to was I really had like a month of thinking about my dad a lot.

621
01:08:59,654.4225894 --> 01:09:02,224.4225894
My dad who died almost 30 years ago now.

622
01:09:02,704.4215894 --> 01:09:11,444.4215894
Um, and so I was sort of, you know, looking for like evidence of my dad and my dad was a photographer in our family.

623
01:09:12,24.4215894 --> 01:09:34,559.4225894
And that month when I went through my camera roll, I was like, You know, there were photos of my kids and photos of food and photos of flowers and photos of like animals because we'd taken them to a petting zoo and I was like, this was what our, like, our family albums had in it when I was a kid.

624
01:09:34,569.4225894 --> 01:09:39,59.4225894
It was like goats and kids and birthday cakes and his garden.

625
01:09:39,59.5225894 --> 01:09:43,359.4225894
I was like, this literally could be my dad's camera roll, but it's mine.

626
01:09:43,379.4225894 --> 01:09:46,769.4225894
So then feeling that, like feeling that connection and connection to him.

627
01:09:46,769.4225894 --> 01:09:58,184.4225894
And it was, it was, uh, Yeah, it was really, really powerful to have that experience, you know, and, and to feel that connection in a way which I don't think I had thought possible.

628
01:09:58,669.4225894 --> 01:10:04,669.4225894
Of myself as having that role necessarily, like in our lives, um, yeah, that was awesome.

629
01:10:06,309.4225894 --> 01:10:23,979.4225894
So where, where does that bring you now and today? So you, you know, it seems like with that more intentional introspection, like there's always introspection, but like, with now having like this modality, right? Like, okay, I'm, I'm using these pictures.

630
01:10:23,979.4225894 --> 01:10:27,219.4225894
I'm feeling like more, I'm lifting a little bit, getting lighter.

631
01:10:27,219.4225894 --> 01:10:27,549.4225894
Yeah.

632
01:10:27,919.4225894 --> 01:10:29,479.4225894
And then it's like, Oh, wait a minute.

633
01:10:29,519.4225894 --> 01:10:45,84.4225894
Now I'm starting to have this energy and a little bit more bandwidth to like consider my art again in a different way, not just in a survival mode, but in I, I guess conscious creator when you were like, well, what is my vision? Like, why do I want to be doing and blah, blah, blah.

634
01:10:45,444.4225894 --> 01:11:04,894.4225894
So if you could speak to a little bit more about how, you know, now you're coming from it at this, at this new place, you know, maybe we're not skipping through fields in Switzerland, like flowers, like bursting with energy, but perhaps not as thin glass.

635
01:11:05,324.4225894 --> 01:11:36,239.4225894
Um, you know, and, and what does that look like and how Because really what we're continuing to share is nothing are, I mean, although logistics morph and change according to like your kids age and, you know, phase they're going through and like whatever different school or events, whatever happened, still, we're still in the same seat, right? So what feels different now? And what is the focus right now? Well, I want to be.

636
01:11:37,99.4225894 --> 01:11:55,529.4215894
Things that I learned about myself through Nostalgia Now and then the Throughline, even more through Conscious Creator, um, was and is just how important the preservation of these memories is to me.

637
01:11:55,979.4215894 --> 01:12:04,489.4225894
Um, you know, I think certainly nowadays, like, moms, moms are the ones taking the pictures, right? You know, the moms, So pictures of kids don't have pictures of themselves.

638
01:12:04,999.4225894 --> 01:12:12,989.4225894
Uh, so initially I had just sort of taken it as that, like, okay, well I'm just like every other North American mom, you know, I'm the one with the camera.

639
01:12:13,419.4215894 --> 01:12:25,629.4225894
Um, but I've come to realize, no, for me it actually goes deeper than that, you know, and it is this sense of needing to preserve the story.

640
01:12:26,14.4225894 --> 01:12:27,444.4225894
Of what has happened.

641
01:12:27,454.4225894 --> 01:12:31,214.4225894
So, um, you know, that's why I love those collages in a session.

642
01:12:31,214.4225894 --> 01:12:34,24.4225894
I'm like, okay, cause then I see this, the story of this month.

643
01:12:34,424.4225894 --> 01:12:42,274.4215894
And that for me in my own work, it's also made me realize that that is the most important thing.

644
01:12:42,284.4225894 --> 01:12:44,114.4225894
And like, I've known that for a long time.

645
01:12:44,154.4215894 --> 01:12:50,4.4215894
I'm, I'm not, uh, not at all a technical singer.

646
01:12:50,4.5215894 --> 01:12:54,584.4225894
Um, what I love about songwriting, I love the words.

647
01:12:55,24.4225894 --> 01:12:56,614.4225894
I love the story.

648
01:12:56,634.4225894 --> 01:13:01,704.4225894
The songs that touch me the most are the ones where there's the feelings and the story.

649
01:13:02,274.4225894 --> 01:13:23,774.4225894
Um, and now if I want to offer that to an audience, then I've been able to like zoom out of it to see what else does that mean in terms of performance and, and right now, and what else does that mean in terms of my like offering.

650
01:13:24,609.4225894 --> 01:13:46,169.4225894
Um, because that's the place that I'm at now, whereas a year and a half I was still like kind of trucking along with the, okay, we're going to go out as many nights as I can handle, you know, a week, which is probably not seven, but maybe four still, um, and just do these kind of like restaurant gigs and, um, and there are ones that I like and I still enjoy.

651
01:13:47,719.4225894 --> 01:13:53,589.4225894
But the thing that is missing about those is really being able to.

652
01:13:54,64.4225894 --> 01:14:25,514.4225894
To connect with an audience, because for the most part, we're just like beautiful, um, you know, um, that's okay, but it's hard when it's when I only have, uh, so now actually we're moving into doing a lot more work, private events, um, So some corporate, which is just like whatever, networking or your annual Christmas party or whatever.

653
01:14:26,124.4225894 --> 01:14:33,274.4225894
Um, but the ones that I'm finding a really, really joy are where people having us in their homes.

654
01:14:33,314.4225894 --> 01:14:39,154.4215894
So we're playing in people's living rooms and we're doing like engagement parties and weddings and birthday parties.

655
01:14:39,744.4215894 --> 01:14:43,774.4215894
And it is a very different gig.

656
01:14:44,134.4215894 --> 01:14:48,364.4215894
And it's one that actually, that I know I couldn't have done.

657
01:14:49,569.4225894 --> 01:14:59,769.4215894
Years ago when I was in like my badass, you know, small dude, like vibe, because I didn't, I wouldn't have understood why I was there.

658
01:14:59,839.4225894 --> 01:15:03,439.4215894
I would have thought like, well, no, you hired me to sing, I just need to get up here and sing.

659
01:15:04,119.4225894 --> 01:15:11,79.4225894
And now I realize, no, you haven't, you've, you've hired me to make you feel a certain way.

660
01:15:11,809.4225894 --> 01:15:17,439.4225894
So, um, so that's, that's the, that's the mom piece.

661
01:15:17,954.4225894 --> 01:15:48,194.4225894
You know, that I get to, because I think too, when you have, um, I was thinking about it just earlier today of how, um, with kids, like especially kids who are small and often completely illogical and you know what it is, like the thing they're crying about is not the thing, right? And so that has been of me to learn and to figure out how to deal with and just kind of go like, okay.

662
01:15:48,604.4225894 --> 01:16:12,114.4225894
It's not about the lost Pokémon card, what are we actually talking about here, right? Like, um, and that actually with clients, it's that, like, where I'll have somebody calling me for like the 17th time maybe to ask about the equipment that we're bringing and I'm like, it's not the equipment.

663
01:16:12,594.4225894 --> 01:16:25,109.4225894
Like, Okay, where, where is the nervousness here? Um, you know, it's, it's people need to be, um, you know, dealt with really differently.

664
01:16:25,299.4225894 --> 01:16:28,489.4225894
And, um, it's different when people are spending their own money.

665
01:16:29,69.4225894 --> 01:16:34,649.4225894
You know, you're not being hired by a restaurant or you're not being hired by a hotel or a corporation.

666
01:16:35,99.4225894 --> 01:16:39,579.4215894
People put their own hand in their pocket, right, to, to bring me to their home.

667
01:16:39,619.4215894 --> 01:16:51,249.4225894
And so there's a real intimacy there and a real trust that they are giving me, which requires, um, like the utmost care.

668
01:16:51,539.4225894 --> 01:16:56,39.4225894
And I feel prepared to do that now.

669
01:16:56,449.4225894 --> 01:16:59,9.3225894
And, and I, I, I think that that's, that's great.

670
01:17:00,389.4225894 --> 01:17:17,769.3225894
I think that's too that that's why I keep mom in my bio, you know, um, like even we laugh about how we, we, we played a gig, like first overseas gig in Pakistan at the beginning of the year for, um, this woman had hired us to play her mom's 70th birthday.

671
01:17:18,99.4225894 --> 01:17:18,619.4225894
First day.

672
01:17:19,609.4225894 --> 01:17:28,629.4225894
So Felix and I, and one of our friends, we have like, like movie style disastrous travel to get there.

673
01:17:29,689.4215894 --> 01:17:45,529.3225894
You know, just delayed planes and fog, and we land in the wrong city and have to have, go by car the next day, and arrive to at the gig, like half an hour after it was supposed to start.

674
01:17:45,529.4225894 --> 01:17:47,759.4225894
The writers would be like, this is too heavy handed.

675
01:17:47,759.4225894 --> 01:17:49,319.4225894
We gotta take this out of the script.

676
01:17:49,319.4225894 --> 01:17:50,299.4225894
No one's going to believe it.

677
01:17:50,309.4225894 --> 01:17:51,629.4225894
Nobody's going to believe this.

678
01:17:51,669.4225894 --> 01:17:53,109.4215894
Yeah, it was that, you know.

679
01:17:53,679.4225894 --> 01:17:58,739.4225894
So it's us kind of like running to the stage from the car kind of a thing.

680
01:17:59,189.4225894 --> 01:18:03,799.4225894
And we get there and we, you know, just sort of get changed and hop on stage.

681
01:18:04,209.4225894 --> 01:18:09,379.4225894
And the birthday girl who's 70, she was like, no, no, no.

682
01:18:09,569.4225894 --> 01:18:11,119.4215894
Oh no, you are not going to play.

683
01:18:11,129.4215894 --> 01:18:11,839.4225894
You're going to eat.

684
01:18:12,259.4225894 --> 01:18:15,119.4225894
You're going to eat and we're like, no, we're fine.

685
01:18:15,119.4225894 --> 01:18:17,159.4225894
And she was like, nope, make them all a plate.

686
01:18:17,509.4225894 --> 01:18:18,199.4225894
They all have to eat.

687
01:18:18,209.4225894 --> 01:18:19,974.4225894
And I was like, Like, I get this.

688
01:18:20,4.4225894 --> 01:18:22,904.4225894
Like, mom to mom now, I get this.

689
01:18:22,984.4225894 --> 01:18:29,864.4225894
That you're just, you need to make sure that we're taken care of and then we can all move on with our day.

690
01:18:29,914.4225894 --> 01:18:36,754.4225894
And it was, and then also too, like, I'm in a place where I can also accept that and be like, I know nobody's hungry, but get off stage.

691
01:18:36,804.4225894 --> 01:18:39,214.3225894
Like, mom wants us to eat, so everybody's hungry.

692
01:18:39,214.4225894 --> 01:18:42,219.4225894
Sit, eat something, you know, she's not comfortable.

693
01:18:42,289.4225894 --> 01:18:51,904.4225894
Girl said, so birthday girl said, eat She will not be able to enjoy us if she's sitting there thinking that we are in discomfort, which is a beautiful thing in itself.

694
01:18:51,904.4225894 --> 01:18:53,14.4225894
And yeah, it's beautiful.

695
01:18:53,14.4225894 --> 01:18:53,164.4225894
Yeah.

696
01:18:53,464.4225894 --> 01:18:53,974.4225894
Oh my gosh.

697
01:18:53,979.4225894 --> 01:18:55,54.4225894
So it was, it was awesome.

698
01:18:55,54.4225894 --> 01:18:58,294.4225894
So that's where I am now.

699
01:18:58,294.4225894 --> 01:19:01,504.4225894
That's where I'm trying to take my business now.

700
01:19:01,534.4225894 --> 01:19:08,419.4225894
Also, like now that I know this and I feel this, what needs to change about the way that I'm.

701
01:19:08,994.4225894 --> 01:19:16,414.4225894
Putting myself out into the world and I'm representing myself and the places that I'm, you know, representing myself.

702
01:19:16,414.4225894 --> 01:19:36,989.3225894
So yeah, so that's what I've spent my week, last week's doing, is kind of like revamping my website and starting a newsletter because I'm trying to have more, um, big surprise, like more long form meaningful communication with people because yeah.

703
01:19:38,109.4225894 --> 01:19:40,819.4225894
Instagram captions, I think, are not cutting it for me at this moment.

704
01:19:40,839.4225894 --> 01:19:44,599.4225894
So that's me and what's coming next.

705
01:19:45,449.4225894 --> 01:19:55,854.4225894
I think that, um, It's so interesting the way, so I, for so long, as you know, have been doing so many solo episodes.

706
01:19:55,854.4225894 --> 01:20:00,384.4215894
I've peppered in guests here and there, but, um, I've really been on a run of solo.

707
01:20:00,384.4225894 --> 01:20:08,494.4225894
And the last few that I've recorded with people, it's almost like, it's like so random, but also seems like interconnected.

708
01:20:08,494.4225894 --> 01:20:11,94.4225894
And they all kind of like beckoned back to the one before.

709
01:20:11,464.4225894 --> 01:20:15,874.4225894
And, um, We're talking about the thing is not the thing.

710
01:20:15,884.4225894 --> 01:20:20,424.4225894
It's like when you, it's like such an inherent knowing and such an inherent recognition.

711
01:20:20,819.4225894 --> 01:20:46,949.4225894
Especially as a mother, and like when you see your kid, and I say that because we mentioned this on the last one, me and my friend Steph, and we are so tolerant and able to see what is going on underneath when our kid is struggling, right? So it's just now being able to turn that on ourselves and just always default to that.

712
01:20:46,989.4225894 --> 01:20:49,839.4225894
It's like you, the thing is not the thing.

713
01:20:49,849.4225894 --> 01:20:51,89.4225894
Like you're, when you said.

714
01:20:51,549.4225894 --> 01:20:57,219.4225894
Even if you know they were coming up to say something beautiful or nice to you, you're like, I just can't even handle it.

715
01:20:57,529.4225894 --> 01:21:02,999.4225894
Like, what is this? What is this thing? You know, the other, yesterday or the day before? Yesterday.

716
01:21:03,449.4225894 --> 01:21:15,889.4225894
I came home and I told Ben, that I was on the verge of tears because I had got my first pedicure and I can't even tell you how long a disgusting amount of like, I mean, I don't ever do that.

717
01:21:16,179.4225894 --> 01:21:20,29.4225894
And I like splurged because it's just been on my mind and it's been annoying me.

718
01:21:20,49.4225894 --> 01:21:24,654.4225894
And we're going on a family trip to the beach next week and It was just terrible.

719
01:21:24,654.4225894 --> 01:21:27,674.4225894
Like it just, it was, I could have done a better job myself.

720
01:21:28,124.4225894 --> 01:21:30,474.4225894
And I was like, I really feel like I'm going to cry.

721
01:21:30,484.4225894 --> 01:21:32,344.4215894
And he goes about toenails.

722
01:21:32,374.4225894 --> 01:21:35,854.4215894
And I'm like, it's not the fucking.

723
01:21:38,754.4225894 --> 01:21:44,104.4215894
Not with the toenails, like everything except the toenails.

724
01:21:47,524.4215894 --> 01:21:49,484.4225894
And I think that when you.

725
01:21:50,114.4225894 --> 01:22:13,874.4225894
are able to honor that for yourself and in see that and not only see that but like move into that because I think we always we have so much we knowing this deep knowing and so far before we're able to Act in it or with it or be with it, you know, because there's so many times where, I mean, you pick a fight with your partner and you're like, I know it's not about this.

726
01:22:13,904.4225894 --> 01:22:15,64.4220894
I know it's not.

727
01:22:15,64.4220894 --> 01:22:16,994.4215894
But like, I can't stop clinging to this.

728
01:22:17,224.4215894 --> 01:22:20,724.4225894
And I can't like my whether it's ego or my whatever.

729
01:22:20,774.4225894 --> 01:22:28,554.3225894
I can't like release this and talk about what's really going on because it's too vulnerable or it's too whatever, you know, you know.

730
01:22:28,754.4225894 --> 01:22:50,324.4225894
When you're able to succumb to what's really going on and to be like, honest with yourself and, and in these interactions, it's, it's only then when you're able to like, okay, let's sit down, let's get off stage and let's just, it's not about being like, no, I said this, I am here and by God, we're going to do it and it's fine.

731
01:22:50,334.4225894 --> 01:22:51,124.4225894
No, we're fine.

732
01:22:51,144.4225894 --> 01:22:52,474.4225894
We don't need to be taken care of.

733
01:22:52,474.4225894 --> 01:22:53,664.4225894
It's not about that.

734
01:22:53,914.4225894 --> 01:23:13,384.4215894
I remember one time you told me, um, There was someone, and it was like, they were out, it was out though, it was at one of the big performances, not a private thing, and it was someone's birthday, and they had come over and said something, or they were singing every word or something, and you just had this like, recognition of like, this is a memory point for her.

735
01:23:13,469.4225894 --> 01:23:24,209.4220894
Like this night, like I, you know, like whether or not she remembers specifically me, but like, it's not even about exactly what song we did, but it happened to be like that song that you did was important to her or something.

736
01:23:24,209.4220894 --> 01:23:31,689.4220894
Do you remember this story? It was like some, it was like a meaningful song and she was touched or some, I don't know, something like that.

737
01:23:31,689.4220894 --> 01:23:39,899.4225894
And you were like, Oh, I have this, this knowing that like, This is like a story for her that will be told and this is something that will remain.

738
01:23:40,219.4225894 --> 01:23:46,409.4215894
And so it becomes way less about like, did I check off this box? Did the people enjoy themselves and clap? Okay.

739
01:23:46,409.4225894 --> 01:23:47,369.4225894
Onto the next thing.

740
01:23:47,369.4225894 --> 01:24:00,89.4225894
It's like, no, I have this knowing that like more so than hitting every note more so than like being perfect, this energy to be honored, like for the space is like, what's, what's happening here.

741
01:24:00,89.4225894 --> 01:24:04,689.4215894
And moreover, your energy and like what you were.

742
01:24:05,174.4225894 --> 01:24:27,274.4225894
getting from, getting from or like thriving with in the gigs you choose, in the way you set up your life, in the way you introduce yourself and set this precedence for like, this is how I will be worked with, like not 12am texts, like I won't get them, you know, you know, and having that level of reference for yourself and for your life and the life that you want to live.

743
01:24:27,294.4225894 --> 01:24:32,244.4215894
Like, I think that that's what, what helps, you know, it's not easy.

744
01:24:32,244.4225894 --> 01:24:35,184.4225894
I don't think, I don't think it can't be easy, but it's not.

745
01:24:35,239.4225894 --> 01:24:36,869.4225894
always going to be easy.

746
01:24:37,169.4225894 --> 01:24:47,729.4225894
Um, this balance of like, I know that this time in my child's life is like, what is it? 10, 15 percent of like your life with your child.

747
01:24:47,729.4225894 --> 01:24:48,579.4225894
It's so tiny.

748
01:24:48,919.4225894 --> 01:24:51,299.4225894
So it makes you feel like, Oh, I should put everything away.

749
01:24:51,299.4225894 --> 01:24:57,999.4220894
But only, you know, if yeah, this isn't as important and this feels right to put this focus on them or no.

750
01:24:58,429.4220894 --> 01:25:05,979.4220894
I will hold resentment this is important and I'm not going to be ashamed that this feels so important that I can't put it down for 10 years.

751
01:25:06,459.4220894 --> 01:25:19,699.4220894
I have I want to and that's just as valid and it doesn't mean that you're, you know, less of a mother doesn't mean that it just means this beautiful example of how you can hold both.

752
01:25:20,54.4220894 --> 01:25:36,324.3220894
Because you want your child to be able to do that as well, you know, I don't, and this overcorrection that can happen, like you talked about how, you know, the small man and no, I will be the toughest man in the room if, even if I'm the only woman in the room.

753
01:25:36,324.4220894 --> 01:25:41,214.4215894
And then feeling like all of a sudden you can be shattered with just like a kind word or a nod.

754
01:25:41,514.4215894 --> 01:25:44,644.4215894
And now, there's this mesh in the middle of it's.

755
01:25:44,859.4215894 --> 01:25:47,709.4215894
still suck some days and it's still this and it's still that.

756
01:25:47,719.4215894 --> 01:25:53,829.4215894
But there's this, um, capacity to hold both of it and all of it.

757
01:25:54,289.4205894 --> 01:25:59,349.4215894
Um, there's a requirement to hold all of it and both of it in very real ways.

758
01:25:59,659.4205894 --> 01:26:09,949.4215894
But also when you know that there's the capacity to, you come at it with like this deeper sense of like trust when you know you can trust yourself to take care of yourself too.

759
01:26:10,239.4215894 --> 01:26:13,179.4215894
Like you literally had to be like time out.

760
01:26:15,149.4215894 --> 01:26:26,789.4215894
Like, your life kept going, you kept, like, fulfilling your responsibilities, but also, there was a very real part of you that made space for you, and you're like, Nope! I don't know what the fuck this weird nostalgia now thing is, I'm gonna do that.

761
01:26:26,999.4215894 --> 01:26:31,849.4215894
I don't know why, but I'm going to do dance classes one on one.

762
01:26:33,504.4215894 --> 01:26:43,524.4215894
Which is like what I need and I'm taking it really seriously right now because there is no other option and it's so funny because there, it just works.

763
01:26:43,784.4205894 --> 01:26:49,444.4215894
Like I talk about, I think about, uh, when COVID all of a sudden, the world had a hall pass.

764
01:26:49,474.4205894 --> 01:26:52,499.4215894
Like if you were sick, Oh, So and so's out for seven days.

765
01:26:52,519.4215894 --> 01:26:57,949.4215894
Meanwhile, we live our whole, you know, 30, 40 years of life being like, no, I committed to this.

766
01:26:57,949.4215894 --> 01:26:59,979.4215894
I can't not, I can't not even if I'm sick.

767
01:27:00,219.4205894 --> 01:27:14,499.4215894
But now all of a sudden, because everyone else in the world, um, is on the same page, then we feel like permission that we can, it's just harder when you have to be the one that is like, there's no one else behind me to say like, but everyone else is doing it.

768
01:27:14,839.4215894 --> 01:27:31,839.4215894
No, we have to be the one that's going to stand up for ourselves and our desires and our What Yeah, I didn't know that.

769
01:27:33,169.4215894 --> 01:27:35,439.3215894
Okay, now it's time for fun.

770
01:27:35,439.4215894 --> 01:27:35,659.4215894
Now.

771
01:27:35,659.4215894 --> 01:27:36,619.4215894
It's time for fun.

772
01:27:36,929.4215894 --> 01:27:48,809.4205894
Yeah, you wanna say hi Well, guess what I have about 10 more minutes left and then it's time for fun and we're gonna go do something Okay.

773
01:27:49,359.4205894 --> 01:27:49,899.4205894
Okay.

774
01:27:50,9.4205894 --> 01:27:50,399.4205894
I love you.

775
01:27:50,919.4205894 --> 01:27:57,569.4205894
I'll be right up in 10 minutes Can you go upstairs and close the door, please? And then Mommy will be done? I'll just be quiet.

776
01:27:57,709.4205894 --> 01:28:01,759.4205894
I know, baby, but I'm recording something, so you can't play in here, because it'll be too loud.

777
01:28:01,799.4195894 --> 01:28:02,869.4195894
Definitely keeping that in.

778
01:28:06,569.4195894 --> 01:28:07,819.4195894
He's such a big kid.

779
01:28:07,829.4195894 --> 01:28:08,219.4195894
It's great.

780
01:28:08,329.4195894 --> 01:28:08,849.4195894
So big.

781
01:28:08,879.4195894 --> 01:28:11,789.4195894
I know he's, he'll be six in August.

782
01:28:12,149.4195894 --> 01:28:13,39.4195894
It's so crazy.

783
01:28:13,99.4195894 --> 01:28:19,699.4185894
It's just, it's just, and like, you just feel like a complete.

784
01:28:20,474.4195894 --> 01:28:34,364.4195894
I feel like a complete psychopath, like I, I have these moments, especially when I'm like down here in my basement, like having this, and I, I can feel myself leaning so far into like, Oh, yes, all I want to do is just be in conversation like this all the time.

785
01:28:34,764.4195894 --> 01:28:37,854.4185894
And then he comes down and I get that agitation, agitation.

786
01:28:37,884.4195894 --> 01:28:38,834.4195894
I'm like, Oh, God.

787
01:28:38,834.4195894 --> 01:28:39,274.4190894
Okay.

788
01:28:39,274.4190894 --> 01:28:40,114.4195894
Yes, it's coming.

789
01:28:40,114.4195894 --> 01:28:40,854.4195894
I know it's about time.

790
01:28:41,284.4195894 --> 01:29:00,819.4195894
And then I just like, Look into his eyeballs and like the genuine like he we call him like the boy tinkerbell He is just like a little tinkerbell He's so much like sparkle in his eye and then like bleeding hearts of the world Like he is just and he's just and now he's in this phase where he's like I love it.

791
01:29:00,879.4195894 --> 01:29:10,389.4195894
Not only does he talk with his hands, but he says, literally, like, you know, when they start saying big words and they think they're so cool, it's so cute.

792
01:29:11,369.4195894 --> 01:29:18,839.4185894
And then you look at them for a second and you're like, you like, I feel like I fight so much to hold on but this is so important to me.

793
01:29:18,839.4185894 --> 01:29:34,209.4185894
And then you look at them and that actually doesn't matter either, you know? And that, and that it's just like this these choppy waters of like, Oh my gosh, what is that quote? Um, if you don't become the water, you'll be seasick forever or something.

794
01:29:34,219.4185894 --> 01:29:43,529.4185894
So it's just like, it's natural for us to want to make meaning of like all of these life experiences and all of, all of it.

795
01:29:43,529.4185894 --> 01:29:43,779.4185894
Right.

796
01:29:43,819.4175894 --> 01:29:48,499.4185894
Like this is, this is like the NLP training come in neurolinguistic programming that comes in.

797
01:29:48,499.4185894 --> 01:29:50,389.4185894
It's like, yes.

798
01:29:51,739.4185894 --> 01:30:28,819.4185894
We want to assign meaning and it's beautiful to view things symbolically and and have this desire to create and make something and it doesn't have to be mutually exclusive either way and it doesn't have to always when you decide something or make something it doesn't have to be the hill you die on like it can be both it can be everything and allowing for Those choppy waters that that is like life a woman as a mother, as an artist, as an entrepreneur.

799
01:30:30,154.4185894 --> 01:31:01,874.4185894
That wanting to make a living, I hate even, we shouldn't even say that anymore because it just doesn't make sense the way that's phrased, but to, to create income through what is your passion and your talent and your whatever, um, It's so complex and it's also so simple like the purity of intent and the love and like where it originated and where it continues to live despite it's like this flame that won't go out God damn it's like that purple it's still there.

800
01:31:03,839.4185894 --> 01:31:04,759.4185894
Like, it's okay.

801
01:31:04,759.4185894 --> 01:31:09,479.4185894
Like some days like maybe I am, you know, full time just being with it.

802
01:31:09,479.4185894 --> 01:31:09,759.4185894
I don't know.

803
01:31:09,759.4185894 --> 01:31:16,409.4185894
I'm about to head into a whole summer of just the two of them full time and then I'll be traveling for work.

804
01:31:16,469.4175894 --> 01:31:27,932.2894465
And you know, how do I be with both of it? And I think honestly the biggest thing is to not, is to just take down these walls of I'm not doing this a hundred percent.

805
01:31:27,932.2894465 --> 01:31:29,786.2496465
I'm not doing this a hundred percent.

806
01:31:29,786.2496465 --> 01:31:32,434.7642179
I'm not Let's just take the language out of it.

807
01:31:32,434.7642179 --> 01:31:32,699.6156751
Right.

808
01:31:32,699.6156751 --> 01:31:35,659.6156751
But we're still, the weird thing is we're still doing what we've always done.

809
01:31:35,659.6156751 --> 01:31:40,359.6151751
Like you're still doing like gigs, but you're just being in it differently.

810
01:31:40,359.6151751 --> 01:31:56,479.6156751
You're still working with other people, but it just feels different because like you're experiencing and seeing different things in these interactions, like with your clients or with the bandmates or with, you know, what your understanding is of what you were there to provide in general.

811
01:31:56,519.6156751 --> 01:31:56,729.6156751
Yeah.

812
01:31:56,729.7156751 --> 01:31:56,789.5156751
Yeah.

813
01:31:59,159.6156751 --> 01:32:09,739.6156751
And I think one of the things that's really helping me is trying to hold all of it more loosely.

814
01:32:10,779.6156751 --> 01:32:14,759.6156751
You know, which was absolutely not me before.

815
01:32:14,969.6156751 --> 01:32:24,429.6156751
Like, I had a death grip on my life and the world only turned because I was cranking it all the time.

816
01:32:24,609.6156751 --> 01:32:25,439.6156751
I was convinced of that.

817
01:32:25,569.6156751 --> 01:32:50,779.6156751
You know what I mean? So, that's the bit too where I think having a baby like knocks you on your ass because Like actually having the baby because when I was pregnant, I was like, no, I'm still gonna do everything You know, I would be like lifting heavy furniture and whatever and I got it.

818
01:32:51,89.6156751 --> 01:33:00,204.6781751
Um, but then actually having a baby where you're you know Especially, I mean, I don't know, especially, but for me, certainly, like, I breastfed exclusively.

819
01:33:00,304.6781751 --> 01:33:00,604.6781751
Yeah.

820
01:33:00,714.6781751 --> 01:33:09,664.6781751
You know what I mean? Like, that, it's just, like, I literally have to let go of so many things because I have to keep you alive.

821
01:33:09,844.6781751 --> 01:33:14,649.5791751
there's, you know, in that moment, I felt like there's no one else but me who can, you know, Yeah.

822
01:33:14,829.6791751 --> 01:33:20,659.6791751
So, um, so that's kind of like the beginning of, of, of everything having to change.

823
01:33:20,659.6791751 --> 01:33:31,969.6791751
And I was so angry about having to let things go and not being able to just like keep everything that I wanted to stay exactly the same, the way I wanted it.

824
01:33:32,189.6781751 --> 01:33:35,802.9791751
If I just hold on tightly enough, nothing will change.

825
01:33:35,802.9791751 --> 01:33:38,799.6791751
And then when I couldn't and it changed.

826
01:33:39,479.6791751 --> 01:33:42,999.6791751
It might have changed anyway, regardless of whether or not I had a baby.

827
01:33:42,999.6791751 --> 01:33:47,729.6791751
You know what I mean? But it felt like, it felt like failing then.

828
01:33:47,729.7791751 --> 01:34:08,19.6791751
Um, and now, uh, I think after having seen two small humans change so much all the time, you know, and like, especially like in those first few months and that first year of life, like it's always changing.

829
01:34:08,19.6791751 --> 01:34:08,929.6791751
You figure it out.

830
01:34:09,19.6791751 --> 01:34:10,79.6791751
You think you know what you're doing.

831
01:34:10,119.6791751 --> 01:34:11,549.6791751
And 36 hours later.

832
01:34:11,884.6791751 --> 01:34:18,334.6791751
None of it works anymore because they have moved on, you know, like we're not doing that anymore.

833
01:34:19,94.6791751 --> 01:34:21,874.6791751
So it's just, I'm like, no, no, no.

834
01:34:21,874.6791751 --> 01:34:26,934.6791751
I felt like a little bit, like I was hitting a plateau and I'm like, I'm cruising now.

835
01:34:26,994.6791751 --> 01:34:28,284.6791751
No, no, don't.

836
01:34:29,424.6791751 --> 01:34:36,644.6791751
So it definitely made me, I don't know, more comfortable with change, but like, accept how real.

837
01:34:37,169.6791751 --> 01:34:40,489.6791751
change is and how much things are changing all the time.

838
01:34:40,489.6791751 --> 01:34:44,549.6791751
And like, of course, as the kids get older, the change slower.

839
01:34:44,869.6791751 --> 01:34:52,969.6781751
And with adults, we change more slowly, but I, you know, I'm able to, I'm able to hang on to gigs more loosely.

840
01:34:53,29.6791751 --> 01:34:59,519.5791751
The ones that I, I'm not like crazy about and the ones that I love, like, I just know this will end.

841
01:34:59,789.6791751 --> 01:35:17,389.6791751
And, and, and, um, and I need to be okay, you know, like I'm trying to define myself less by those external factors, um, and, and certainly having, having kids has helped me, it has helped me with that.

842
01:35:17,399.6781751 --> 01:35:23,139.6781751
And even in your kids, right, like you can't, also can't define yourself by your kids because you know that they will.

843
01:35:24,719.6791751 --> 01:35:29,359.6791751
At some point, which is like my identity, wait for it to happen.

844
01:35:30,69.6791751 --> 01:35:31,509.6791751
I think that's huge.

845
01:35:31,539.6791751 --> 01:35:34,539.6781751
It's like my identity, like you're like my identity.

846
01:35:34,944.6791751 --> 01:35:46,174.6791751
Doesn't isn't swallowed by this gig anymore, but also I don't want to be swallowed by motherhood, but also I want to swallow my kids.

847
01:35:46,174.7791751 --> 01:35:50,234.5791751
But.

848
01:35:50,624.6791751 --> 01:36:01,64.6791751
Yeah, this, and I, I got this very strong visual when you're like, yeah, I'm, when I was breastfeeding, I'm like, I am the only one who can do this for this person right now.

849
01:36:01,734.6781751 --> 01:36:18,304.6791751
But what's so beautiful about that, for me, there's part of that that makes feels like it's extremely claustrophobic and I'm like, but it's also like, if you really look at that, it necessitates a care, a self care.

850
01:36:18,924.6791751 --> 01:36:25,34.6791751
I think that you can really easily see, feel that and see that and be like, and I must give all of myself to you.

851
01:36:25,64.6791751 --> 01:36:44,59.6791751
But like, if there's nothing else to give, like the oxygen mask, I mean, hello, it's like, I must care for myself because not only is that like, I, because if I'm not physically well, I can't do stuff for you, but it's like, your wellness, it's like, It is dependent on my wellness too.

852
01:36:44,299.6791751 --> 01:36:50,59.6791751
So if you can't, if, if you are not at that point yet, where you.

853
01:36:50,594.6791751 --> 01:36:57,384.6791751
Naturally want to prioritize yourself for yourself, like, I get that, like, then do it for them.

854
01:36:57,564.6791751 --> 01:36:59,524.6781751
I feel like they could be a really beautiful entryway.

855
01:36:59,524.6791751 --> 01:37:00,914.6791751
It's like what a gateway drug.

856
01:37:02,224.6791751 --> 01:37:04,164.6791751
They're the pot of self care.

857
01:37:04,644.6791751 --> 01:37:05,344.6781751
They're weed.

858
01:37:08,384.6791751 --> 01:37:15,644.6791751
If you can't, if you're not at that point of like self love or whatever that you're like, I don't have a big enough incentive to do it.

859
01:37:16,819.6791751 --> 01:37:30,619.5791751
If it's not for someone else's benefit, then sure, use them as the excuse, because so much more than anything you can teach them or do for them, they just drink your energy and they just eat it.

860
01:37:31,319.6791751 --> 01:37:36,499.6791751
feel like it's so much earlier than you think, so much more than you think.

861
01:37:36,779.6791751 --> 01:37:48,99.6781751
Like, it's just absolutely incredible what my, you know, the things that my son takes in of me that I'm like, Oh my gosh, it's very, it shocks me.

862
01:37:48,169.6791751 --> 01:37:58,539.6791751
And, you know, both like good and I won't say bad, but like, Oh my gosh, like, Holy moly.

863
01:37:58,929.6791751 --> 01:38:00,429.6791751
Um, so.

864
01:38:00,944.6791751 --> 01:38:01,494.6791751
Yeah.

865
01:38:02,634.6791751 --> 01:38:03,24.6791751
Yeah.

866
01:38:03,104.6791751 --> 01:38:13,954.6791751
And, and I think that's very much the place where I, like 18 months ago where I was at when I was so unwell and feeling like, I don't know if I can do this job anymore.

867
01:38:14,24.6791751 --> 01:38:18,644.6781751
I was like, okay, I'm, I'm mom.

868
01:38:18,644.6791751 --> 01:38:32,624.6791751
And certainly the like administrator of our family life, you know, um, and at work with Felix and I, like, like I'm the one who finds all the gigs.

869
01:38:32,969.6791751 --> 01:38:36,789.6791751
And I'm the one who maintains the gigs and maintains those like professional relationships.

870
01:38:36,789.6791751 --> 01:38:55,459.6781751
So if I am now going to shatter like a little, you know, delicate Ming vase and not be available for any of that, the family falls apart, our work falls apart, literally our life here will disintegrate.

871
01:38:55,919.6781751 --> 01:39:00,89.6791751
Because There's no kind of like social safety net here.

872
01:39:00,89.6791751 --> 01:39:01,349.6791751
We don't have family here.

873
01:39:01,349.6791751 --> 01:39:06,389.6791751
Like if we can't work and pay for our apartment, we have to like leave the country.

874
01:39:06,729.6791751 --> 01:39:24,629.6791751
You know what I mean? And so it was literally like everything was at stake, you know, and there was no option of, I'm just going to go like to my mom's and like, You know, sleep on the, like, in her basement in the dark for two weeks.

875
01:39:24,629.6791751 --> 01:39:25,469.6791751
No, I didn't have that.

876
01:39:25,569.6791751 --> 01:39:32,619.6791751
You know, I had to, um, I had to keep going and I had to figure it out.

877
01:39:32,689.6791751 --> 01:39:37,469.6781751
And also, uh, you've, what you've shared with me, a way of figuring it out.

878
01:39:37,629.6791751 --> 01:39:43,329.6791751
So even though there is no, you know, Like cushion there.

879
01:39:43,539.6791751 --> 01:39:51,239.6801751
Yeah, you've shared that more recently ish that You and your partner have also relooked at delegating stuff.

880
01:39:51,239.6801751 --> 01:40:05,369.6801751
We looked at responsibilities and redefined What space looks like for you, what bandwidth looks like for you, because, you know, I don't want anyone listening to this me like, Oh, she just bootstrapped it and did it all and never, no, like, no, no, no.

881
01:40:05,429.6791751 --> 01:40:15,899.6801751
The way that you did that also had to do with you advocating, like, let me be honest about what I need in order to keep doing this.

882
01:40:16,429.6801751 --> 01:40:17,229.6801751
Yeah, yeah.

883
01:40:17,229.6801751 --> 01:40:24,49.6801751
And, and, yeah, so what you're referencing is we started using the fair play.

884
01:40:24,454.6801751 --> 01:40:48,134.6791751
System, which we certainly didn't like go down the rabbit hole fully, which I would have been fine with, but, you know, I wanted to still be cooperative about this, but, it was a reconfiguring of, basically like all the, the tasks that need to be done in family life.

885
01:40:48,634.6791751 --> 01:40:51,784.6791751
Uh, whereas, yeah, I felt that I was doing.

886
01:40:53,224.6791751 --> 01:41:10,954.6791751
Uh, way too many of them and or put it this way, so many of them that there was not enough space for me to rest, that there's not enough space for me to create, there's not enough space for me to even do like administrative work, like I just always felt there's another load of laundry that needs to be done.

887
01:41:11,794.6791751 --> 01:41:14,574.6791751
And also in an unseen way.

888
01:41:14,574.6791751 --> 01:41:29,264.6791751
And I think that's something that is a huge unlock because, um, it can be so easy to get, feel like resentment or, or anger, or like, I just can't even trust you to do it this way because you don't understand the right way or what's actually going on.

889
01:41:29,584.6781751 --> 01:41:33,464.6791751
It's like, it requires us to be seen in a way of like.

890
01:41:34,284.6791751 --> 01:41:44,664.6791751
Listen, this is, in order to get this grocery list done or taken care of, I am, I can't even begin to break it down right now.

891
01:41:44,664.6791751 --> 01:41:45,714.6791751
It's like, there's so much.

892
01:41:45,804.6791751 --> 01:41:51,214.6781751
It's like, what did I hear about, um, cassava flour now is, is actually grown in a way that's not healthy.

893
01:41:51,344.6791751 --> 01:41:54,164.6791751
And then, and then I'm actually doing gluten free right now.

894
01:41:54,164.6791751 --> 01:42:00,914.6791751
And it's like, Oh, I realized the other day when you came down for a snack at lunch, you work from home, you looked really disappointed at what was in the pantry.

895
01:42:00,914.6791751 --> 01:42:02,784.6791751
And I want you to eat healthy, but I want you to eat something you like.

896
01:42:03,124.6791751 --> 01:42:03,814.6791751
It's like, okay.

897
01:42:04,699.6791751 --> 01:42:07,279.6791751
Like, you need to understand everything.

898
01:42:07,379.6791751 --> 01:42:08,339.6791751
Specificity.

899
01:42:08,349.6791751 --> 01:42:12,129.6791751
It's like, really, not blanket statement saying, I'm overwhelmed.

900
01:42:12,429.6781751 --> 01:42:14,359.6791751
Well, if that's all you have, that's all you have to say.

901
01:42:14,359.6791751 --> 01:42:18,129.6786751
And, you know, obviously, we all know that when you don't have anything left to give, there's no words.

902
01:42:18,129.6786751 --> 01:42:23,759.6791751
But like, also, when it's time to go into, okay, action and productivity.

903
01:42:23,759.6791751 --> 01:42:34,609.6791751
It's like, let me break down for you what it looks like for me to do this and how this amount of space is not ample for that and how these two tasks aren't balanced or how blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

904
01:42:34,619.6791751 --> 01:42:37,969.6791751
Like I have to be so honest and specific.

905
01:42:38,299.6781751 --> 01:42:47,829.6791751
Um, and I do find that in doing that, it's usually met with so much grace and recognition and like willingness.

906
01:42:48,399.6791751 --> 01:42:48,759.6791751
Right.

907
01:42:48,769.6791751 --> 01:42:49,269.6791751
To help.

908
01:42:49,289.6791751 --> 01:43:04,539.6791751
It's just sometimes our partners, at least for me, and I, I think what you've said that is have a very different brain, like just way more laid back, way more, which is beautiful to be balanced with, but also can exacerbate our hypervigilance.

909
01:43:04,889.6791751 --> 01:43:29,739.6791751
So I think, um, To go into whatever it is, whether it's like a four, like a system or just going into something with the intentionality of like, wait, I need to be fully seen for what's happening here in order not to justify myself, but to, to help illustrate and like paint this full picture so that you can actually get the help you need and not just be like, fuck, it's just too hard to explain it.

910
01:43:29,769.6791751 --> 01:43:31,109.6791751
I'm just going to keep doing it.

911
01:43:32,19.6791751 --> 01:43:35,89.6781751
Well, and that's one of the, one of the things I really loved about the system is it.

912
01:43:35,879.6791751 --> 01:43:39,109.6791751
brought up all these things, which I was like, Oh yeah, I do that.

913
01:43:39,129.6791751 --> 01:43:40,129.6791751
Oh yeah, I do that.

914
01:43:40,229.6791751 --> 01:43:46,689.6791751
Things like sunscreen, like sunscreen is not just about like whose job it is to worry about putting it on the kid.

915
01:43:46,689.6791751 --> 01:43:48,569.6781751
It's about checking at the beginning of the summer.

916
01:43:48,869.6791751 --> 01:43:52,319.6781751
Is the sunscreen still good? Is anybody allergic to this? Okay.

917
01:43:53,129.6791751 --> 01:43:57,229.6791751
You won't wear anything more than 30, but I don't want anything less than 50.

918
01:43:57,229.6791751 --> 01:43:58,919.6791751
So we need to have different ones and we need to have the kids ones.

919
01:43:59,109.6791751 --> 01:44:01,459.6791751
But you know, I mean, like it's a huge thing.

920
01:44:01,999.6791751 --> 01:44:04,899.6791751
Um, and I never would have put that on my list of tasks.

921
01:44:05,544.6791751 --> 01:44:09,714.6791751
But it was on my list of tasks, you know, Oh, it pops up like this.

922
01:44:09,754.6791751 --> 01:44:20,244.6791751
I was at a barbecue the other day and, um, someone had a different kind and they're like, Oh yeah, we got this from the blah, blah, blah website that, that, you know, knows whether or not this, I'm like, well, I don't know about that website.

923
01:44:20,434.6781751 --> 01:44:21,264.6791751
Oh no, I don't.

924
01:44:21,264.6791751 --> 01:44:22,544.6781751
I've never heard of that website.

925
01:44:22,694.6791751 --> 01:44:23,994.6786751
I, this is expensive.

926
01:44:23,994.6786751 --> 01:44:25,84.6791751
I thought this was a good one.

927
01:44:25,324.6791751 --> 01:44:25,654.6791751
Oh my God.

928
01:44:25,864.6791751 --> 01:44:28,594.6791751
Now, and then all of a sudden that pops up as my priority.

929
01:44:28,604.6791751 --> 01:44:29,959.6791751
It's, Exactly.

930
01:44:30,29.6791751 --> 01:44:35,39.6791751
Watch for this ingredient and this website, and I need to find a coupon because it's super expensive.

931
01:44:35,129.6791751 --> 01:44:36,569.6791751
And like, yeah, it's all these things.

932
01:44:36,599.6791751 --> 01:44:47,9.6781751
And one of the things too, I really love about this system is that when something is not my job anymore, her thing is, it's what CPE.

933
01:44:47,19.6791751 --> 01:45:11,354.6791751
So conception planning and execution, because I found that too, that I was I'm like, but the list making and the remembering and then the checking to see if you did it is not really alleviating, giving me more space, you know? And so this is something like, like one of the things that's been really good.

934
01:45:11,354.6791751 --> 01:45:14,914.6791751
I'm like cats, that's just going to be.

935
01:45:15,289.6791751 --> 01:45:15,939.6791751
on you.

936
01:45:16,239.6791751 --> 01:45:20,619.6791751
So now I don't have to worry about whether or not there's cat food or cat litter.

937
01:45:21,69.6791751 --> 01:45:33,409.6791751
If it is, if the cat is like screaming their head off because it's all gone, I guess you are going to the 24 hour grocery store and getting some food and it's just, I'll just put them at your plug and go to bed.

938
01:45:33,409.6791751 --> 01:45:49,564.6791751
Like it's not on me, you know? Um, and so then also too, and then you literally have to take that off your That's the other step, is then you actually have to release ownership of this task in the way that you divide a task.

939
01:45:49,634.6791751 --> 01:45:53,494.6781751
And I find, what I find has really made a big change, too, is also my own head.

940
01:45:53,494.6781751 --> 01:45:58,904.6791751
The things that I would, you know, walk around the house and, like, swear about to myself.

941
01:45:58,904.6791751 --> 01:46:44,234.6791751
Like, why can't anybody else do the laundry properly? Why doesn't anybody else, you know? Because, I mean, it's my husband, but then also we have a nanny who helps out with, like, These kind of tasks and now when I walk around I just go no, no one else does this properly Because it's my task because it's my thing because I'm the one who cares most That things are all folded exactly the same way and that you know, whatever so so that too is like I'm not doing any less laundry, but I'm feeling much less shitty about it because I'm just like, No, this is just one of the things that I have on my list and you've got stuff on your list and You know, you don't need to worry about this and I don't need to worry about the cats, you know The realness I'm not doing any less this it's just I'm feeling way less shitty about it.

942
01:46:44,234.6791751 --> 01:46:46,129.6791751
Like Uh, goals.

943
01:46:46,649.6791751 --> 01:46:48,409.6791751
Like, just like, oh my god.

944
01:46:48,909.6791751 --> 01:46:50,419.6791751
Like, there's such a realness with that.

945
01:46:50,419.6791751 --> 01:47:07,974.6791751
It's like, you know, I feel like there's so many opportunities for someone to be like, well, it must be nice to be able to blah blah blah blah blah in any conversation, but when you're like no, the reality is there's still a very similar amount of work, but like my The The mindset.

946
01:47:08,274.6791751 --> 01:47:09,229.6791751
The mindset shift.

947
01:47:09,449.6791751 --> 01:47:10,404.6791751
The mindset shit shift.

948
01:47:10,704.6791751 --> 01:47:16,914.6791751
the mindset shift has just opened up space, and that's unquantifiable and that's just.

949
01:47:18,429.6791751 --> 01:47:19,899.6791751
Amazing, so important.

950
01:47:20,769.6791751 --> 01:47:40,449.6791751
And this, and this, like what you just went into about like the nitty gritty of like how it looks like for you and like what those tasks and like the cat litter, like, these are the details that are so important because it makes it real and it's not like these like wishy washy like, just be positive and think and be, just breathe, you know, like, it's like, oh wait, okay, this is what it looks like.

951
01:47:40,629.6791751 --> 01:47:41,589.6791751
That's helpful.

952
01:47:42,59.6791751 --> 01:47:42,679.6791751
Um, Yeah.

953
01:47:42,914.6791751 --> 01:48:07,49.6791751
I could talk to you forever and ever, as you know, um, and now I hear what sounds like furniture moving, um, above me, so I will wrap this up, but I want to know, is there anything else that you feel like is like an itch, like still something you wanted to share, or is there any way that, um, listeners can go and find you and your magic, especially now that you're doing newsletters now? Yes, please.

954
01:48:07,249.6791751 --> 01:48:17,409.6791751
Um, well, there's like a million itches, but as you know, we could have like a nine hour, we itchy, we itchy, should be sponsored by Benadryl.

955
01:48:21,869.6781751 --> 01:48:25,489.6791751
Yeah, but for today, let's, we'll just, we'll leave it there.

956
01:48:26,689.6791751 --> 01:48:31,509.6791751
Um, yes, people can definitely check me out at ladyjmusic.

957
01:48:31,539.6791751 --> 01:48:34,329.6791751
com and sign up for the newsletter.

958
01:48:34,539.6791751 --> 01:48:39,69.6791751
Here's the newsletter and I'm sharing what we do about gigs, our new offerings.

959
01:48:39,89.6791751 --> 01:48:42,469.6791751
I have like new offerings, I'm trying out new stuff.

960
01:48:42,549.6781751 --> 01:48:43,629.6791751
So check it out.

961
01:48:43,979.6781751 --> 01:48:47,694.5791751
And also, um, just things that I recommend that I recommend.

962
01:48:48,104.6791751 --> 01:48:59,234.6791751
Like, oh my gosh, where are those? So stuff like hair places that anything Janelle has recommended for my kids have become the obsession of the house for at least a month.

963
01:48:59,584.6781751 --> 01:49:11,984.6791751
So like, howdy to like this kid podcast, which I would have never even thought to look up like, yeah, they're listening to my stuff, of course, we're actually going on a road trip.

964
01:49:11,984.6791751 --> 01:49:13,54.6791751
So that's going to be really helpful.

965
01:49:13,314.6791751 --> 01:49:29,369.6791751
So, yeah, any, any, um, I mean, what a, what a full circle moment to talk about how, yeah, my new newsletter and the new things I'm working on are not only My art and my craft and my singing, my gigs, but it's also my recs.

966
01:49:29,379.6791751 --> 01:49:31,79.6791751
I did this research.

967
01:49:31,109.6791751 --> 01:49:33,549.6791751
I put all this effort into this is my life with my kids.

968
01:49:33,709.6791751 --> 01:49:36,799.6791751
Why wouldn't I just share it with other people? Thank you.

969
01:49:38,59.6791751 --> 01:49:41,19.6781751
Your life also needs to be taken over by dinosaur.

970
01:49:41,249.6781751 --> 01:49:41,759.6781751
Yes.

971
01:49:41,979.6791751 --> 01:49:42,239.6791751
Yes.

972
01:49:42,389.6791751 --> 01:49:42,749.6791751
Yes.

973
01:49:42,759.6781751 --> 01:49:49,329.6791751
You'll curse her a little bit, but be overwhelmingly relieved to have found something like this.

974
01:49:50,129.6791751 --> 01:49:51,489.6791751
I was dreaming Howdytoons.

975
01:49:52,259.6791751 --> 01:49:53,579.6791751
Oh, thank you, Janelle.

976
01:49:53,589.6791751 --> 01:49:54,49.6791751
Thank you.

977
01:49:54,59.6791751 --> 01:49:54,449.6791751
Thank you.

978
01:49:54,469.6791751 --> 01:49:55,519.6791751
I love you.

979
01:49:55,789.6791751 --> 01:49:56,379.6791751
Love you.

980
01:49:57,325.554175 --> 01:50:00,545.554175
This has been an Awkward Sage Production.